TINA AND GENE GO TO PANAMA CITY: PICTURES

How bout that hotel room view? I told ya our hotel sucked. Ten years ago, that crap wasn't in the way. You could see straight out to the Gulf. 

Tina enjoyed a top shelf margarita at Margaritaville while we waited for a table Wednesday night. She made me get a beer. Her: "C'mon. Have a drink with yer mamma." 

This was our table. Felt like we were hosting a TV show or we were part of a senate committee. When I ordered my food, I pretended to speak into a microphone. I don't think our semi-gay waiter Billy got the joke. 

The world's most largest restaurant worker appeared suddenly and started making balloon animals for all the kiddies. This seemed odd.

After dinner Wednesday, we played putt-putt at the same course we used to play at in the 90s. Seeing this array of fish by the entrance brought back memories of feeding them as a kid. 

So, that's how they make bubblegum snowballs. 

If you make a hole-in-one on the 18th hole, you win $50 and more important, get your picture on the wall of winners. This is a list of rules for the big-money hole. The first rule blew me away: First stroke counts as one. Really? So, what you're saying is, the four strokes I took to complete the hole don't count as one? Really?

Seriously, though, seeing that rule was a relief. Yeah, because I can't make a hole-in-one if my first stroke counts as two. 

The name of the water park is Shipwreck Island. For any Lost fans out there, I looked inside, but I didn't find any dynamite. Just a long line to jump off the sinking ship and into the ocean, or in this case, a swimming pool. 

That's the line for the Rapid River. This is a fun ride, similar to Splash Mountain. It has a serious design flaw, though. Your tube will get stuck at various spots where the "rapid river" doesn't keep pushing you along. 

So, they have about 10 workers stationed at these various points to help you along. I'm sure a slight alteration to the ride would eliminate these non-moving spots. That could save the park money on 10 unnecessary workers. This tangent was going somewhere when I started it. I swear.

Some folks just couldn't handle all the excitement of the water park. 

On Thursday night, Tina got this tattoo at a wacky store across the street from our hotel. This is before it began drying. The "artist" said it could last up to a month if cared for properly. 

While Tina got her ink, I roamed the store. Don't bounce balls, eh? I certainly didn't. I did, however, kick one of the balls around the store. What a stupid rule: Don't bounce the soccer ball. Who would do such a thing? 

The bottom left corner of this sign says: Largest track in Northwest Florida. Now, that's an impressive claim. In all of the vastness that is Northwest Florida, this is the longest track. What an attraction right there on the strip in Panama City. 

In related news, Harahan is the safest town in Southeast Louisiana. 

Oh, how I miss the beach. 

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

We are getting a new air conditioner system Monday. We've been using fans since like last Saturday. My mom can't wait to have air again. "Can't remember the last time I slept in my bed. (The back rooms are the hottest. We've been sleeping in the dining room.) It's like fucking Katrina." 

On Sunday afternoon, mom said: "I'm taking a nap." 

Me: Why? 

Mom: Cuz I'm fucking tired.

After her nap, mom caught up with the news she missed while on vacation. She reads about a guy getting caught with child porn after he had his computer worked on at Best Buy. "Fucking brought the fucking thing to the store with all that shit on it." 

RANDOM THOUGHT OF EVERY SO OFTEN

How come they haven't made the sports version of Scary Movie? I would see that. 

PARTING SHOTS

I stop by Danny's work station, and he observes my sunburned nose. 

Me: Yeah, but this one never hurt or bothered me.

Danny: Well, a red nose is better than a brown nose. 

JRap offers me leftover sausage pizza. 

Me: No thanks. I don't like sausage. 

JRap: At all?

Me: Nope. 

JRap: Trust me, if you ever end up in jail, you'll learn to like it.