SURVEY SAYS

When I arrived at work Thursday, there was a pretty, yellow piece of paper on my desk. It was a survey for T-P employees who work at night. Here's the intro: We are exploring a possibility of food service offerings later each evening to accommodate you and potentially increase overall sales. Your answers will help us determine the viability of keeping the cafe open evenings, yada yada yada.

Basically, they want to eliminate the cafeteria at some point but are pretending like they want to keep it open for us poor night folk. So, since it probably didn't matter, I gave these answers to the more important questions:

4. Q: Would you most likely eat in the cafeteria or buy food to take out?
Me: Buy takeout food elsewhere and eat it in the cafeteria.

7. Q: What other items would interest you or what additional comments do you have about night services in the cafeteria?
Me: Oh, a two-part question, eh? This couldn't be two separate questions? Others items include steak, boiled crawfish and veal parmesan.

As for additional comments, I know what you are trying to do with this survey. Please don't get rid of hot meals and make everything a sandwich or something from the microwave.

8. Does vending satisfy you preferences now? What else might you like to see added?
Me: Not since they took away five-cent Skittles. That was a sweet deal. And by the way, you should be your in the first part of this question.

Might? No. This is something I demand be added, ain't no might about it: More candy options, i.e. M&Ms. Plus, I want drink prices to return to their previous price. The current figure is highway robbery.

I hope they enjoy my answers. That's what they get for making it anonymous.

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

I tell my mom that Christina is no longer going to Mexico for her wedding in the first week of May. Mom: Why?
Me: Swine flu.
Mom: Oh. Fucking swine flu. That's fucked.

Mom wonders what will replace The Guiding Light on the CBS lineup. "Probably a fucking talk show."

I sense a cleaning coming on. "This house is fucking filthy."

Mom alters a well-known phrase. "One man's shit is another's treasure."

Mom sees a big tree in someone's front yard on David Drive. "First thing I'd do if I lived there is cut down that son of a bitch."

BUZZ-KILL
Some thoughts on the end of the Hornets season.

1) I was proud that they gave a crap in Game 5, even though they had no chance.

2) The 08-09 Hornets remind me of the 07 Saints.
-- Both teams were coming off the most successful seasons in New Orleans franchise history.
-- Both teams were predicted by several outlets to reach the championship.
-- Both teams fell horribly short of expectations.

3) I want the Wasps to trade for Shaq. It's Tyson, Butler and Daniels for Shaq and Alando Tucker. Every game will be sold out, and merchandise sales will go up near the roof. Then, the next year, $20 million is cleared off the books.

That makes the starting lineup CP3, MoPete, Peja, West, Shaq with Posey, JuJu and a scoring rookie (Jodie Meeks or Wayne Ellington) off the bench.

PARTING SHOT
We're running a story on a legend at Tulane dying. The story, however, disappears randomly from JRap's basket.

Liam: Up. You lost the dead guy.

THE DAILY TOP LIST
My top five moments of April.

5) Two crawfish boils. 10th and 18th.
There should be one of these every day. Well, I mean one that I'm invited to.

4) Kelly's comment to me in the Bud's parking lot. 24th.
"Uh, that's not how I like to be choked."

3) Nuggets 121, Hornets 63. 27th.
My dad and I were among the 1,000 who stayed.

2) HBK vs. Undertaker. 5th.
Greatest match I've ever seen live.

1) UNC wins national title. 6th.
Queen never sounded so good.

RAIN. RAIN. GO AWAY. COME AGAIN ANOTHER DAY.

In a top list the other day, my No. 1 fear was of rain. I said I'll explain later in the comment. Welcome to later. 

It's not so much a fear of rain as it is a fear of flooding. Whenever they flash those, um, flash flood warnings, I take those seriously. If they take place in the middle of the night (as they often do), I can't go to sleep but remain fixated on the TV screen. I flip between all the local stations for the latest updates. I rock back and forth in my chair. 

Many times I wait until the threat is completely gone before falling asleep. Other times I manage to go nighty night but only by putting a second pillow on top of the ear that isn't on the regular pillow. I always feel relieved when it storms while I'm at work (can't hear much outside) or while I'm sound asleep because then I don't have to worry about it. 

My fear of flooding started on May 9, 1995, when the New Orleans area was hit with an actual flash flood. It basically came out of nowhere at night. I was 11 and scared to death. 

We opened the front door in the middle of the downpour. Our street was a river. I could see the raging water gushing down the street and getting closer to our doorstep. 

Tina promised that if I went to sleep like a good boy that it would all be gone when I woke up. I brought a blanket and a pillow into the dining room and curled up with Tina near watching a soap opera. I was able to fall asleep quite easily that night. 

After getting nudged awake some time later, I thought that the plan had worked. However, Tina said these words to me: "Wake up, honey. You're sleeping in water." Yup, I was just a tad bit wet. 

When all was said and done, the water cut off at the top of our doorstep. You could see the line where the water stopped, a mere inch from going over the top and into the living room. The water in the dining room came in through cracks in the wall. The carpet and the sheetrock in that room were ruined. 

Fortunately, that was the extent of our damage. We fixed that the next week. The damage to my psyche, however, still exists. For the first two years after the flood, I freaked out when it rained hard. I don't freak out anymore, but I always think about the possibility of it happening again. 

May 3, 1978. May 9, 1995. May 15, 2012? 

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom wished she had taken a different career path while driving Wednesday. "I should have gone to work for Victor Manning so I can teach these kids how to fucking drive. Lord knows they can't as adults." 

Mom talked to dad earlier Wednesday. "Your dad has so much fucking bullshit with him. He tells me he likes to go to every first Friday of Jazz Fest. In 20 fucking years, I think we went once. I'm like 'Who the fuck he thinks he's talking to?' " 

The tree trunk pieces left a stain on our pavement. "Once I pressure washed that spot, I had to do the whole fucking thing. It's a good thing I didn't go with the other guy. The stain would be the whole fucking driveway." 

Mom had a light bulb go off. "I found the perfect place for you to meet a girl and do all your fucking laptop shit. Go to a coffee place. You don't have to get coffee. You can get yourself a soda and sit there and do all your stuff on that fucking laptop." 

In the land of TV

-- On Kate seeing Jack playing football on Lost: "I can't wait for the new disc to arrive. Kate's like 'I risked my fucking life for this guy, and the motherfucker is playing football?' "

-- On Tony's actions on 24: "Tony did all that bullshit for one canister?" 

FOUR CORNERS

A closer look at The Gene Pool World.

-- I get really nervous when a cop is driving behind me. I can't enjoy the music that is playing and just stare at the cop until one of us turns. I guess I'm scared I'll randomly get pulled over. 

On the way to the Hornets game the other day, I had just hit 50 mph on Airline (speed limit 40) when I noticed a cop behind me. I quickly dropped down to 42 mph. 

-- The Chiefs have drafted three LSU players in a row (Bowe, Dorsey, Jackson) in the first round. However, I couldn't find anywhere if that was the first time in history a team took a player from the same school three years in a row in the first round. 

So, I looked it up myself. An hour and a half later, I had my answer. This was the first time in history. Woohoo! Here's some other fascinating findings I discovered in this research: 

1) Besides the Chiefs-LSU, an NFL team has drafted from the same school two years in a row in the first round 24 other times, including six other times this decade. 1970s-1990s: 6. Pre 1970s: 12. 

2) The Saints did it with Georgia (Charles Grant and Johnathan Sullivan) in 2002 and 2003.

3) If the Jaguars had drafted Percy Harvin this year, they would have duplicated the Chiefs-LSU feat with Florida players. 

-- Gillie did a post on her blog recently about literally burning childhood documents (tests, notes from boyfriends, etc.). In the background of one of the pictures she posted, I saw the issue of the Maroon when our president Bernie Knoth resigned amid sexual allegations. 

I left her a comment saying how dare you burn that historic edition of our college days. I went back the other day and noticed she responded to me. Turns out, she didn't burn that issue. She said she would never burn that issue. Good.  

-- I tried to watch HBO the other day in my room. It was turned off. Cox Cable Bastards. 

PARTING SHOT

Brick is editing a prep baseball story and making fun of it Tuesday night. 

Brick: This guy hit a screaming line drive. 

Marcus: Must have looked at Gene.

THE DAILY TOP LIST

My favorite five songs that came from a TV show episode. 

5) Road to Rhode Island. Brian and Stewie. Family Guy. 

Whatever dangers we may face, we'll never fear or cry

Until we're syndicated, FOX will never let us die. (Please.)

4) Fetus Song. Phoebe. Friends. 

Are you in there little fetus? In nine months will you come greet us? ... I will buy you some adidas. 

3) Shipoopi. Peter. Family Guy. 

Squeeze her once when she isn't lookin'

Get a squeeze back, that's fancy cookin'

2) Everything Comes Down To Poo. Turk and J.D. Scrubs. 

It may sound gross. You may say shush.

But we need to see what comes out of your tush. 

1) Can't Touch Me. Peter. Family Guy. 

I'm presidential Peter. Interns think I'm hot.

Don't care if you're handicap, I'll still park in your spot. 

'MELO. THAT BOY GOOD.

I went to the historic loss Monday night against the Chicken Nuggets at the New Orleans Arena. And yes, I stayed until the end. I don't leave until the end of games. At some point, the blowout to me changed from embarrassing to funny. I laughed it off.

The reason why I'm not going to sit here and bitch about this and that and go on a rant about how much they suck like so many others is that it wasn't surprising. When the Dolphins lost to the Jaguars 62-7 in 2000, that shit was embarrassing. The difference: I thought the Dolphins had a chance.

Now, I thought the Hornets might win Game 4, but I didn't think they had a chance to win the series after the first two games in Denver. So, a blowout didn't shock me. Oh well. We move on.

The Hornets brought out the big guns for BuzzFest for the second home game. The Chee Weez performed such classics as Life is a Highway and Summer of 69.

Why do people continue to wear this fucking jersey to Hornets games? Do they not understand that the dude quit on the city, that he's a wussy and a prick? Yet, I see one of these disgusting things at every game I attend. They should all be burned. In an official ceremony. 

And many of those wearing Baron Davis jerseys are kids. Where, I ask, are the parents? Where? Same thing goes for Mashburn jerseys.

Bob was on the schedule to come with me to Game 6 on Friday. I was excited to show him this new sign they hung up in the corridor at the Arena. Now, I can only show him here.

The New Orleans Arena with about five minutes remaining Monday. I didn't understand why so many people left early. For crying out loud, they cut it to 54 at one point in the fourth quarter. Other insane things that happened late in the fourth included George Karl calling timeout with 4:40 left and the defense chant coming over the loudspeaker with 3:50 left in a 56-point game.

Notes and observations from Game 4

1) I was about to forget the tickets again. As I was walking out the door, Tina said: "Do you have the tickets?" I did not.

2) There have been 15 home playoff games in New Orleans since the Hornets moved here. I have been to 11. Plus, I went to a road playoff game in Dallas.

3) The woman behind me (the same one who told me to sit down Saturday during the introduction of the starting lineups) turned to her husband at the start of Monday's action: "Is this a playoff game?"

4) A couple of drunks two rows behind me kept calling Denver the Chicken Nuggets. They must be reading my stuff. Drunken shouts from them included: "Fry up those Nuggets," and "Start up the grease, it's time to cook up the Nuggets." The latter came when Denver led by 40.

5) One word to describe Monday's performance: STINKBOMB.

6) I spent $733 on the Hornets this season. That includes tickets, parking and food such as the nachos I had Monday. And that doesn't count the $100 credit in my account because I had to buy four playoff tickets, even though they only played two games at home.

7) At halftime, I saw a guy outside section 305 with a BOSTON THREE PARTY T-shirt. Awesome.

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

Two weeks ago, my mom made red beans and rice. When she went to put the leftovers in the freezer for me to eat at a later date, she discovered a similar bowl in there. Crap, she thought. There was already red beans and rice in the freezer. Now, we had two leftover bowls in there. 

Fast forward to Tuesday. Mom went to take out the older bowl of red beans and rice to make today. She opens the bowl. "Oh, no! Motherfuck me! Oh, no. Shit. ... It's fucking spaghetti." (No big deal for me. I love spaghetti!) 

Mom is about to watch Monday's episode of 24. She says that the paper gave away a plot twist. I tell her someone gave away that same plot twist to me because he watched the previews. "We were just all kinds of fucked on that one." 

PARTING SHOT
We're discussing the possibility of the Saints signing Edgerrin James.

Brick (to Jelly): You like the idea of Edgerrin James here?
Jelly: I like big, old dudes.

THE DAILY TOP LIST
Since most of these lists are top five, here are my favorite five phrases with the word five.

5) Five finger discount.
I got a five finger discount on that Pancho's cup.

4) Take five.
Something Christian Bale refused to do.

3) Gimme five / High five.
The later was famously used by the T-P for LSU's fifth baseball championship.

2) Five and dime.
I hear they sell six-strings.

1) Five knuckle shuffle.
When I made this No. 1, I thought it had something to do with punching. And that's it. I swear. The Internets, however, tell me it has two meanings.

A NEW AGE HAS BEGUN. AN AGE OF FREEDOM. ...

I have an announcement to make, on this the 300th day in a row I've posted. And the announcement is this: This is Sparta! Ha, just kidding. The actual announcement is that the streak will reach 365 (that's a year for you calendar nerds out there) before falling into the pit of death.  

Don't worry. The TCC will still be making appearances. As well as those classic parting shots. But I've been looking at this site in the past month or so as a one-year project where I write about everything that happens to me. Later in life, I'll be able to look back and remember all that transpired from the summer of 2008 to the summer of 2009. That will be nice. 

This gives me more free time, especially on my off days. Plus, there aren't many top lists (open to suggestions) left to do. I'll still have them. They just won't be daily. 

So join me, if you will, for the conclusion of this magical journey over the next 65 days. Hopefully, there are exciting twists and turns ahead of us. And maybe some cake at the end. 

I can tell you that in May there will be a five-part series (every Friday or every Saturday) on my relationship with Megan. I wanted to do another multi-part series, and this was the best idea I had. No. It won't be as good as the Regina one, but then again, what would be? 

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom tells me that a Cox Cable worker was up fooling with the wires early Monday. "I looked out the window and saw him. I was like, 'What the fuck is he doing?' " 

We watched the fourth disc of Season 3 of Lost.

-- On Kate and Sawyer fighting: "I'd rather be with someone than be fucking alone if I were on that island."

-- On Jack playing football with the others. "Kate's like, 'What the fuck? I came all the way out here to save you, and you're playing catch?' Look at her. She can't believe it. She's like, 'What the fuck?' " 

When I returned home from the Hornets game (more on that tomorrow), mom awoke briefly to chat. 

Mom: Did they win?

Me: Nope. 

Mom: They got stomped? 

Me: Yeah. But only by 58. 

Mom: Are you serious?

Me: Yup. 58 points. 

Mom: Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Jeezum. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Fuck! 58 points. That's another game. Jesus. Fifty-eight fucking points. 

DID YOU KNOW?

Did you know that the iPhone has an ap for that? Did you know that the Saints drafted a punter Sunday? A punter. I can punt the ball 40 yards with some decent hangtime. Did you know that you can order a pizza online? Crazy. Did you know that ER still comes on TV, except they just changed the name of the show to SouthLAnd and made it about cops? Did you know that there is currently an outbreak of the swine flu? 

PARTING SHOT

Lopes went to Quiznos for dinner Monday night. A girl worker is making his sandwich.

Lopes: Light mayo and light mustard, please.

Worker: We don't have light mustard. Only regular mustard.

THE DAILY TOP LIST

The top five celebrities I would want to do my voicemail message. 

5) Will Ferrell. 

It'd be outrageous and funny. 

4) Any number of famous hot chicks. 

"Gene can't come to the phone right now because his hands are full. With me. He. He. " 

3) Sean Connery. 

Or better yet, Darrell Hammond as Sean Connery. 

2) Hulk Hogan. 

"Whatcha gonna do when Gene doesn't answer his phone? Well, I'll tell you, brother. You're going to say your prayers that he calls you back after you leave this message, brother."

1) Morgan Freeman. 

I'd have him go into a long monologue about the state of my life and why I can't answer the phone. The end would be: "At the sound of the tone, please leave Gene a message. That's goddamn right." 

HOPEFULLY, PAUL DOESN'T CHOKE THE BUNNY.

After work Friday night, I met gal pals Paul and Kelly at Bud's Broiler. They had come from some sort of fair where Paul, while slightly drunk, accidentally won a bunny. Which explained the weird picture text I received while at work of Paul holding a bunny.

Anyway, that's not the point of this post. An older gentleman working behind the register takes a smoke break and stands by the window outside. Paul notices him making strange eye contact with a couple of cute 18-year-olds in the corner of the joint.

Paul, never one to pass up a chance to hit on some younger chicks, sees that as his opportunity. He leans over when the worker returns to his post. Paul (to the girls): "So, that was kind of creepy, huh?"

Hotter girl: What was?
Paul: That guy standing by the window looking at you strangely.
HG: Oh. That's just my uncle.
(That's a conversation ender.)

After Paul showed me the bunny (he named it Sloppy) in the parking lot, I started messing with Kelly. Playfully, of course. I grabbed her by the throat and acted as if I was choking her harder than I was. All in good fun.

When I let go, Kelly said this little number that I'm making her new catchphrase: "Uh, that's not how I like to be choked."

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My parents planted some grass in the backyard where the tree used to be. Two days later, I hadn't ventured outside to check it out. This made my mom angry. "You just don't care. No, nice job. It looks good. Fuck you. Nothing."

Mom had quite the week. "I'm fucking tired."

Mom had some problems Sunday. From the mirror: "Fucking white head on my lip. Squeezed it three times, and shit kept coming out. Fucking three times." And then from the kitchen: "Ow. Ow. Motherfuck. Damn it, Tina. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. You ain't got enough problems, you got to fucking burn yourself. And you did. Two fingers. Motherfuck."

Mom leaves for a nail appointment as I'm watching the double overtime game between the Bulls and Celtics Sunday. She returns some time later. "This game was in the fourth quarter when I fucking left, and it's still on?"

In a moment of frustration with me, mom yelled: "I've never seen someone waste so much fucking time."

TV WEEK IN REVIEW

1) It's time for some finales. Chuck and Heroes on Monday night. Both should be spectacular. And Scrubs has its series finale (appropriately entitled My Finale) next week. Tears will be shed.

2) On the first day of March, I mentioned several things I was excited about in relation to TV sweeps time. One was Selma Hayek being naked on an episode of 30 Rock. Well, this week she asked Liz if Liz would like her to take off her clothes to prove she was a woman. Damn you, Liz Lemon for not screaming yes.

3) I've never seen Jack look so weak as he did on 24 this week. Tony's asking for it now, though. Jack gonna whip that ass.

4) I watched this week's Office like I watch a nip-and-tuck sporting game involving one of my teams. I was nervous, and my heart was racing. I didn't know how it was going to end. So, when Michael and Co. won, I felt sort of like I did at the Hornets game Saturday.

I loved the two phrases Michael messed up this week:
a) He meant to say: My, how the tables have turned.
He said: My, how the turn tables have ... uh

b) He meant to say: The ball is in your court.
He said: Our balls are in your court.

PARTING SHOT
We found out 10 minutes before deadline Sunday night that we only had 10 pages instead of 12. So, two pages we made didn't get printed, like they never existed. They happened to be the baseball and scoreboard page, both of which Liam, who brought in crawfish for everyone, spent all of his five hours working on.

Marcus (to Liam): So, the crawfish was your only contribution. (And then as Liam was leaving.) Excellent job ... on the crawfish.

THE DAILY TOP LIST
My favorite five movie quotes from the Top 100 list AFI did in 2005.

5) If you build it, he will come. Field of Dreams. No. 39.
He built it. And he did come.

4) Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the word, she walks into mine. Casablanca. No. 67.
There's a Fall Out Boy song with that title.

3) Mrs. Robinson, you're trying to seduce me. Aren't you? The Graduate. No. 63.
Yes, Benjamin. That is correct.

2) You're gonna need a bigger boat. Jaws. No. 35.
Ya think.

1) Striker: Surely you can't be serious.
Rumack: I am serious. ... and don't call me Shirley. Airplane. No. 79.

Classic.

ONLY THREE MORE WINS TO GO. JUST THREE.

Little Joe and I went to Game 3 of the Hornets-Chicken Nuggets series Saturday afternoon. As I pulled out my driveway, I called the Little One to inform him I was on my way. Then, it hit me. I forgot the tickets in the drawer. Moron.

I didn't catch the name of the musical act Saturday. They played such hits as Proud Mary and Shout. Both of which I rocked. I do wish they could get a little bigger of a name to play a freaking playoff game. What, was Big Sam's Funky Nation busy or something?

You know what playoff basketball means? Besides a three-month odyssey, of course. Free stuff at games. On Saturday, we got a Fan-Up T-shirt (I thought they should have changed the theme this year to Man-Up) and an official New Orleans Hornets Voodoo doll. Wooooo!

My voodoo doll had two heads (better than one), and Little Joe's had one. I'm not sure why there were multiple kinds of official New Orleans Hornets Voodoo dolls. But whatever. It even had instructions to help you make the Chicken Nuggets turn the ball over or miss a shot. I tried a few times, and it didn't work.

The best part about the voodoo doll is that it makes a squeaking noise when you poke it in the middle. So much fun.

This is my new buddy and section leader of 313. He basically stood and danced the entire game. His fingers were in the form of the rock and roll symbol (which wikipedia tells me is used in European countries to identify a man with an adulterous wife), and he kept swaying back and forth while twirling his arms every which way.

He came up to me when the score was 6-0 and said: "Hey. Nuggets suck!" Then he went back to his seat and began dancing again. I hope he's there Monday. Pretty please let him be there.

Notes and observations from Saturday's festivities.

1) I met up with Paul and Kelly at Buzz Fest. After the game, Little Joe asked me about their relationship dynamic. I said: "They're gal pals." (It's true.)

2) Little Wayne got a bigger cheer from the crowd than Reggie Bush.

3) During the introduction of the starting lineups, I was asked by the woman behind me to sit down. Hello. It's the playoffs. Did you not get the memo? She's lucky I didn't smack her.

4) In the second quarter, a bird flew across the building up in the 300 section. I think it might have been the hawk from Atlanta wanting to check out some more action.

5) Too many empty seats. A little disappointing. Also, the people that showed up at the end of the first quarter. Hello. It's the playoffs. Did you not get the memo? They're lucky I didn't smack 'em.

6) I ran into Alexis and Laura in the corridor at halftime. I emphasize ran into because they will have you believe I was stalking them. That's incorrect.

7) I'm not a fan of the "Ref, you suck" chant. I am a fan of booing J.R. Smith, though.

8) The Wasps gave one hell of an effort Saturday ... to lose the game at the end. Just a great effort. Mad props to Posey for not being able to inbound the ball properly. By the way, I willed the last two shots by Carmelo not to go in. Yup. Told the ball not to go in. In all seriousness, though, I was wasping for air on that last shot. Good lord.

9) Disregarding the collapse at the end, here are the reasons the Hornets won Saturday:
-- CP3 played great.
-- Posey and Marks gave a first-half boost. 'Sual came up huge on 3s in the second half.
-- The interior defense was much better. The Chicken Nuggets didn't get too many easy baskets in the paint. Tyson and West did a nice job on help defense.
-- Denver missed its first five 3-point shots in the fourth.

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

Before I left for the Hornets game, I asked my mom if she had any advice for the hometown boys. "Yeah. Fucking win."

IT GOES BETTER WITH DRAFT BEER
A few thoughts on the 2009 NFL draft.

1) I think the NFL draft is the most overrated sports event of the year. These people haven't done shit yet. And come the season, most of these guys will be afterthoughts. That's why I don't care that much.

2) My third favorite team is now the Chiefs. Three consecutive Tigers in the first round. I'm sold.

3) Roger Goodell should have opened the draft by stepping to the podium and saying: "With the first pick in the 2009 NFL draft, the 0-16 Detroit Lions select Matthew Stafford. Quarterback. University of Georgia."

4) The Dolphins had a really good draft. Got a starting cornerback in the first round and then made the Wildcat even wilder by selecting Pat White in the second round. He can lineup at wide receiver or quarterback and end up actually being the opposite on any given play.

PARTING SHOTS
Lopes jokes that since the first two quarterbacks taken in the draft were named Matthew and Mark, the next two taken would be named Luke and John.

Brick: OK. Find me the fifth best quarterback named Acts, and I'll call you good.
Lopes: I was also thinking Thomas or Judas for the fifth quarterback. But they dropped out because of character issues. Thomas didn't believe in his arm, and Judas wanted too much money.

I jokingly say that the legal age in Idaho is 15. (It's actually 14.)

D: Is that true, Anne?
Anne: I don't know. I'm from Iowa.

THE DAILY TOP LIST
My five biggest phobias.

5) Nyctophobia. Fear of the dark.
I'm scared someone will jump out and scare me.

4) Commitmentphobia. Fear of commitment.
Haven't exactly had to put this to use.

3) Ophidiophobia. Fear of snakes.
Certainly not uncommon.

2) Acrophobia. Fear of heights.
I'm scared I'll fall to a horrifying death. Like even when there's a rail and stuff.

1) Ombrophobia. Fear of rain.
I'll explain later.

THE DAILY TOP LIST
I have lots of hats, with many of them on a hat rack. Crazy, I know. And I like to wear hats. Perhaps you've seen me do this. So, here are my top five hats. Note: This is in no way a reflection on the order of my favorite teams but is based solely on the look of the hat. Second note: Championship team hats not eligible.

5) UNC.

I got this hat in 1998. And it ain't going out of style any time soon.

4. Saints.

I bought this for $10 in the mall. You don't find bargains like that too often.

3. Rockets.

I picked this little number up while I was in Houston. In the Galleria, they had like seven kinds of Rockets hats. The top other choice was more gray and had the symbol on the front. This one has the symbol on the back with a lot more red. Me like red.

2. Dolphins.

Perfect mixture of the team colors.

1. Cubs.
Simple. Yet elegant.
And a look at them all together from the back. Like what you see?

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

As my mom was waking up Friday, I was going to sleep. She yells from the living room. "Un-fucking-believable. What the fuck is going on? It's all gone." (Of course, I assumed she was yelling about me, but it turns out, for once, she wasn't.)

I ask mom what all the fuss was about when I wake up at about 1 p.m. She was mad at our across-the-street neighbor. "We worked our asses off yesterday putting all that stuff from the tree into bags, and then he comes and just takes it. Then he tells me I can just dump the rest in his garden."

Mom reads the story in the paper about the Covington students getting arrested while staging a jewelry store robbery for a project. "Now, those teachers didn't think to call the fucking police (and tell them about it) before letting those kids do that?"

Mom and I watched the last episode of the second disc of Season 3 of Lost separately. In it, it is revealed that Desmond traveled back in time after the hatch exploded. The episode blew mom's mind. "What the fuck? That's all I could say."

PARTING SHOTS
Doug asks Marcus if we've sent any of our Hornets stories to the Denver Post in the last few days.

Marcus: They said they don't need anything.
Doug: They must not like our stuff.
Me: We should challenge them to a game of volleyball.
Liam: Gene has Top Gun running through his brain.

Marcus was making fun of me for a while Friday night. He was real proud of this one. Brick makes a disgusted noise a few desks away from Marcus.

Marcus: What you doing over there, Brick? Looking at Gene's baby pictures?

I got him back with a sarcastic answer a few minutes later that I believe went over his head. See if you get it. Marcus knows several NBA playoffs games were scheduled to come on TV Friday night.

Marcus (to me): Who's on first?
Me: Naturally.

EARTH DAY? MORE LIKE CUT DOWN TREE DAY.

Our magnolia tree came tumbling down Wednesday. I sat there and watched almost the whole thing. It was sad to see life coming to an end. I felt helpless. Tina was elated.

For more than 20 years, this tree was a staple of our backyard, providing shade and plenty of cones and leaves on the ground. This is the last documentation of its existence.

At first, these six members of the crew seemed as if they were just there to look pretty. They didn't move for the first twenty minutes.

Hey, JRap! It's our very own tree guy!!!

Oh, so that's what the crew is for. They pick up the fallen branches one at a time and bring them to the front yard. Is it really necessary for six people to do this? Is that guy staring at me?

The branches go in the chipper ...

And then the chipper spews out its remains. The whole thing was pretty depressing to watch.

It's still hanging on, but tree guy has other ideas.

Pretty soon, our backyard was nothing but day laborers and branches. Reminds me of that joke I once told Brick, who called it the funniest thing I've ever said. I can't repeat it here because it's too offensive.

TIMMMM-BBEERRRRRRRRRRRR!!! Yes. I yelled that as this branch came down. Tina laughed. Tina also pointed out that I was shooting some of the pictures with the screen in front of me. Good point. Some of these pictures are hazy. At least with the tree and all its leaves out of the way, I can see a murder at the Sac-O-Suds. And there's only one bush in the yard.

After tree guy cut the trunk in half, I went inside to watch Season 3 of Lost. I had had enough. This guy here was sawing the pieces of the trunk into even more pieces to be carried to the front.

When tree guy cut the remainder of the trunk down to this size, I was sitting in my room watching TV. I shook in my seat from the enormous thud of tree meeting ground. Our neighbor told us later in the day that she had felt her house shake as well. Damn.

After hearing the noise, I came back outside with my camera to take a picture of what caused all that noise (left corner). What I first noticed instead was that a board was missing in our fence. When the hell did that happen?

They put it back and apologized. Tina didn't even get pissed. Actually, if you look at the picture before, the board was already missing. So, it got knocked off while we were watching, but we didn't notice. Hmm.

One of the workers in a No. 2 position amid the debris.

After they carried out all the pieces of wood and branches, they then brought in some heavy machinery to grind up the stub of the trunk. This took more than an hour. The rest of the workers sat in the front yard and ate lunch. This dude rocked out on his iPod.

And that's what's left of our once proud magnolia tree. I have a feeling we'll be trying to get rid of this shit for a long time. It's real heavy. Plus, there are little pieces of it in like every room of the house.

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

We cleaned up in the backyard today after our Earth Day destruction. My mom got pissy during the process. "I should take out all my money and just go. Then, I wouldn't have to deal with any of this fucking crap. ... I should live in fucking Panama." (I asked if she meant the country or the city, but she didn't answer.)

We watched the second disc of Season 3 of Lost.
-- I tell mom that Echo's brother isn't real. "He set the fucking tent on fire."
-- On a new character introduced among the castaways. "Who the fuck is that?"
-- On a guy in another hatch wearing an eye patch. "Who the fuck is that?"
-- On me writing down the previous three curses. "Fucking pen and paper you take with you every week."
-- On Jack "escaping" his prison. "Look at this. Fucking guns."
-- On Jack's scheme to escape. "He wants off the fucking island."
-- On Juliette's hesitation during Ben's operation. "What she fucking waiting on? For Jack to fuck up?"
-- On the person (sister) in Juliette's bed. "Who the fuck is in the bed?"

Mom mumbled another one. Here's what I understood. "Early in the morning. Fucking afternoon."

PARTING SHOT
Derry tells Brick he made a mistake on the prep sports page.

Me: You know, Derry. In other countries, they'd cut your hand off for that.
D: Gene, in other countries, they'd have cut out your mouth.

THE DAILY TOP LIST
My favorite five vegetables.

5) Artichoke.
Knock knock.

4) Cucumber.
With some Italian dressing.

3) Potato.
Baked or fried.

2) Broccoli.
Has to be eaten with ketchup.

1) Corn.
I had a teacher named that in eighth grade. Good guy. Funny, too. One time a kid in the opposite corner of class from him was pissing him off.

Coach Corn: If you act up one more time, Heath. I'm going to throw this stool at you.

Sure enough, five minutes later, Heath acted up. There went the stool flying through the air and landing (and breaking) a mere one foot behind Heath's desk. Heath didn't say another word out of turn for the rest of the year.

And that's why we called Coach Corn the Grand Pumba.

NOT THE OFFICIAL DAILY BLOG FOR APRIL 22. IT IS BELOW THIS.

HORNETS-CHICKEN NUGGETS GAME 2 RUNNING DIARY

9:44: Wasn't this game scheduled for 9:30? Oh, that's right. Games always start late. I keep forgetting this. 

9:45: Except for the No. 1 seeds (and everyone's pick to meet in the Finals), every series going into tonight's game is tied at 1-1. Let's keep that theme going, shall we? 

9:47: Barkley doesn't think the pushing and shoving was much in Game 1. Sir Charles: "I've been kissed harder." Oh-kay. 

9:48: The announcers words aren't matching the movements of their lips. Good thing we're not here to watch the announcers. 

9:49: Tip-off. We won that. Small victories help gain confidence, folks. 

9:54: 6-6. West 3-for-3. I think he's playing better tonight. His aggressiveness is the key. 

9:55: CCC! 

9:58: P.J. is killing me. His voice is raspy, and he's an idiot. My head might explode. He just said CP3 reached in on Chauncey and made it an easy call for the officials. Uh, he was hand-checking Billups, but his hands didn't come close to reaching in. Ugh. 15-13. 5:34. 

10:02: Our interior defense is reminding me of last season. Tyson has contested several shots well. D-West just blocked one. 

10:03: Tina is watching American Idol in the other room. She's upset. "Motherfucker. I told ya'll. Fuck. He's the best fucking singer!"

10:07: They call Billups the Commander-in-Chief of the Chicken Nuggets. How gay is that?

10:08: You know, Byron Scott didn't get any votes for Coach of the Year this season. I wonder if that has anything at all to do with the fact that he still thinks Money Brown should be playing. 18-18. 2:54.

10:10: Did you know Billups made eight 3s in Game 1? 

10:14: MONEY!!!! He giveth and taketh away. He scores and then leaves Billups open for 3. Didn't we go over this after Game 1? DON'T LET CHAUNCEY BILLUPS SHOOT 3S!!!!!

10:16: So much for West getting it going. 3-of-9. 

10:18: Oh boy. Same score as Game 1 (27-25 CN) after first quarter. That's a great sign. (Rolling eyes.)

10:22: Shot-clock violation. Shot appeared to hit rim. Announcers think so. Byron Scott doesn't argue. He's not big on fighting for his players. 

10:25: JUJU in the game. Don't adjust your TV sets. That is him. 

10:28: We're defensive rebounding well. As soon as I type that sentence, the announcer informs us that the Hornets are plus-10 in rebounds so far. Yes. I was right. 

10:36: Byron Scott waits too long to call timeout. And way too long to put CP back in. We haven't made a shot in some time. Bunch of close ones, like the one JuJu just missed. Got to make those. 41-33. 5:21.

10:39: Mark Fein just said backwards. No such word, buddy.

10:41: Someone wake up CP. 

1o:51: CCC 2!

10:54: End of the first half. Just like in Game 1, the Wasps are down by eight. Nuggets made a big run there in the middle of the second. That's the difference. With all these similarities, looks like a blowout on the horizon. Unless Paul wakes up from his nap. 

10:56: For the halftime show, I will watch tonight's episode of Scrubs. There's only two left after this one, you know. 

11:15: And we're back. BEE-FENSE. So much for defensive rebounding.   

11:19: 3-balls get us in shouting distance. CP finally scores. But they scoring way too easily. 

11:22: We made four 3s in a row, and it was like it meant nothing as they have an 11-point lead with five something left. I have a feeling Marcus just called Ballgame at work. 

11:59: Uh. Uh. I turned off the game at 78-62. I couldn't stomach the rest. I hope I don't have to sit in the Arena for two losses. I'm not even going to edit this thing. 

HORNETS-CHICKEN NUGGETS GAME 2. 

A full running diary to come after the game. Get excited.  

THE TINA CURSING CORNER  

The magnolia tree in our backyard came down today. And oh what a site it was to behold. I hope you'll join me tomorrow for a photo essay of the Earth Day destruction. My mom is glad to have it gone. "Dad told me there's a Louisiana law that says if you cut down a magnolia, you have to plant another one. That's bullshit." 

Later in the afternoon, I asked mom if the tree people were done. "No. They out there (in the front) bullshitting." When the crew left, there was a mess to clean up. "The shit is everywhere." 

Mom encourages me to move into a house two doors down. "All you got to do is give that guy $20,000, knock down that crap, hire a contractor and have him build a house the way you like it because it's your fucking land."

We watched the first disc of Season 3 of Lost. 

-- On the first scene of the season: "They were waiting on that fucking plane." 

-- On the way the others know to get off the island: "Probably takes you right off the fucking island. Probably takes you right into the fucking city." 

-- On the con the others pulled: "What the fuck did they do to Sawyer?"

There were also two "shits" Wednesday. 

FOUR CORNERS

A closer look at The Gene Pool World. 

-- On Sunday, I was standing at the back of Church when an usher approached me. "Son, can you help me out with something?" Sure. He wanted me to go by the collection sheet and write down the total as each usher returned with their stash. 

Sweet, I thought. Let's see the money this place is raking in. 

4 p.m. Saturday: $298.

9:30 a.m. Sunday: $275.

11:30 a.m. Sunday: $407. (No. I didn't fudge the numbers in my addition.)

Here's the process of how I wrote down the totals. 1) The usher comes to the back. 2) As he dumps the money from the basket into the bag, he tells the head usher the total. 3) The head usher then turns and says the total to me (even though I just heard the number.) 4) I write down the figure and add them up at the end. 

My question: Why not have each usher write his total next to his name and then have the head usher add them up at the end? I mean really. Was my assistance really needed? Really? I am excited, though, about the prospect of being the official collection adder upper. 

-- On Monday, I received this breaking news alert in my e-mail: "Ur girlfriend is cheating on u." Thanks for the update, buddy. Looks like I got to dump the bitch. 

-- The NBA playoffs take forever, but I love them anyway. The last five minutes of the first two Celtics-Bulls games (plus the overtime) are as good as it gets. Back and forth. Big shot after big shot. I've always thought Ben Gordon would be a big star in the league. 

On Tuesday, I had everyone at work not tell me the score of the Rockets-Blazers game. It was on NBA TV, so we couldn't watch it. Plus, it was ending too late to make the paper. To their credit, no one at work mentioned anything about the game, and I made it home and watched the whole game (damn you, Brandon Roy) without knowing the result. An amazing feat considering. 

-- On Tuesday at work, D and I arranged a run to McHardy's for some fried chicken. I hadn't had good fried chicken (Popeye's doesn't count) since a Saints Monday Night Football party in October. That is far too long. And McHardy's hit the spot. A couple of times. 

We had five people put in four bucks, and we got 25 pieces, which would cost about $35 to $40 at Popeye's. I had six pieces: three legs, two thighs and a breast. I had a coke and a bag of chips as well. That cost $2. 

PARTING SHOT

D gets upset Tuesday night and goes on a rant with several "f" bombs. 

JRap: Good, D. I like what I'm hearing over there.

D: You didn't know I was bilingual, huh?

THE DAILY TOP LIST

My favorite five first names as relates to TV. To qualify, I must like three characters with that first name. I tried to get one female name in here but couldn't get to three with one name. (Also-rans: George, Ted, Fred, Barney, Jerry, Sam).

5) Michael.

Scott (Office), Bluth (Arrested Development), Ian Black (Stella).

4) John.

Dorian (Scrubs), Locke (Lost), Casey (Chuck).

3) Peter.

Griffin (Family Guy), Petrelli (Heroes), Brady (Bunch).

2) Jim.

Halpert (Office), Ignatowski (Taxi), Dangle (Reno 911!).

1) Jack.

Bauer (24), Shepherd (Lost), Donaghy (30 Rock), Tripper (Three's Company.)

TONGUE TWISTER-TASTIC

I'm a big fan of tongue twisters. Not because I have a special talent to say them or anything like that but because they're just plain fun. It's fun if you can say it, and usually, it's more fun if you can't. I got an idea to alter one of the most enduring tongue twisters of our time. 

A Tudor who tooted a flute

Tried to tutor two tooters to toot

Said the two to their tutor,

"Is it harder to toot

or to tutor two tooters to toot?" 

I took a little bit more of a modern angle with my new one.  

A teen who tweeted on Twitter

Tried to teach two teachers to tweet

Said the the two to their teen

"Is it harder to tweet

or to teach two teachers to tweet?"

I've always enjoyed saying that main one, but when you look at it, that's a really silly question. Obviously, if you already can toot, then it's harder to teach two others to do it. Also, why is the Tudor who can toot tutoring two people already being called tutors to toot? If they're tutors, then why are they being tutored to do what they already do? Me tongue-tied.

See, I think mine makes more since. If I had kept the complete spirit, the line would have been: Tried to teach two tweeters to tweet. Which wouldn't have made any sense. Make sense?

It's too bad I couldn't work "Tweeted about taking two Twixes" in there somewhere. 

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom decided to have the magnolia tree in our backyard taken down. Despite the shade it provides, she doesn't like the mess it creates and believes it will eventually fall on our house. 

After contacting several companies, she gave the job to a cheaper bid who desperately wanted the gig, even "begging" for it. Well, the appointment was for 9:30 a.m. Tuesday, and at 10:15 a.m., mom called the man and said don't bother coming. She then called the owner and told him, "That's a hell of a way to do business." 

Mom tells me all this when I wake up and concludes with: "This day is fucked." (The tree is coming down Wednesday. Company B is up.)

Mom and I agreed that 24 just keeps getting better. "That Tony is a bad motherfucker." 

Mom is convinced, however, that the new bad guy shown talking on the phone with the woman pretending to be a lawyer is old CTU boss Ryan Chapelle, who was shot in the head in Season 3. I tried to tell her it wasn't him, but she would have none of it. "It's fucking him. Look at him. I can't believe you didn't realize that. It's fucking Ryan Chapelle. Looks just like him. Fucking Ryan Chapelle. Come on. It's fucking Ryan Chapelle." 

PARTING SHOTS

Marcus informs D that he doesn't want in on our chicken run.

Marcus: I've been eating like a pig the last four days.

D: So what else is new?

We learn that a pitching mound in softball is called the circle.

Someone: It's a circle of trust.

Me: You never want to be out of the circle of trust.

Bake: You never want to let any jerks in the circle, either.

THE DAILY TOP LIST

My top five Web sites. 

5) prowrestling.com

For all the latest news.

4) imdb.com

Helps to play that Kevin Bacon game. 

3) youtube.com

A helpful tool at work as well.

2) googlepedia

Combination of google and wikipedia because I often use them in tandem.

1) espn.com

My homepage on my laptop.

RING THE BELL. I'M DONE. 

After work Saturday night and a Rockets blowout victory, I headed over to Lager's to meet David, his girlfriend and friends. If they came in town every week, I think I might collapse. Two nights of drinking in a row, and I feel like I need a few days off. I must be getting old. 

Coincidentally, Paul and his cohorts from the Palace showed up at Lager's. He came over to say hello and left his crown and coke at our table. While he was away, I poured a few drops of my Woodchuck into his glass. You know, for shits and giggles. 

When he came back, he didn't pick up his glass for a few minutes. 

Me: Aren't you going to finish your drink?

Paul: No. It's mostly water now. 

Me: But it's halfway full. 

Paul: I'm done with it. You can have the rest if you want it. 

Eh, every prank can't work. Don't worry, though. I'll get him my pretty and his little dog, too. 

Eventually, it got to that point in the night. Yup, I'm talking about the moment when girls decide that it's picture-taking time. The rules are simple. Smile, lean-in to the picture and take as many as humanly possible. 

Here's a shot of David taking his 10th photo of the girls. I think he believes that it's enough already. Either that or some of them started making out, and I missed it. 

The reason for so many photos is that there were four girls. So, you have to take a picture with all four, every combination of three and every combination of two. Have mercy. 

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

I'm in the living room while my mom is in the kitchen working on lunch. "Aw, shit. ... Fucking lazy, man. Just plain lazy." I assume she meant me, but I'm not sure why. I didn't ask. 

Mom is talking on the phone. I'm not sure who she was talking to. "They live in a fucking double!" 

We're talking about someone's finances. "She has CDs all over the fucking place." 

We're watching the second episode of Harper's Island. One of the chicks has a little dog. "That's an ugly fucking dog, huh?" Agreed. 

DID YOU KNOW?

Did you know that Monday was 4:20 and the record was probably set for the most people being stoned at the same time? Did you know that Monday marked 10 years since the Columbine High School massacre? Did you know that Hitler was born on this day in 1889? Did you know that everything's better with a bag of weed? ... Did you know that Kevin Garnett isn't playing in the playoffs? Did you know you can post your life updates on Twitter? 

PARTING SHOT

Danny went to the T-P Pulitzer party and naturally, took a piece of cake. 

Someone: Danny, that's not for us. It's for someone's birthday. 

Danny: Oh. I thought it said, 'Happy Pulitzer.' 

(He ate it anyway. What a rebel.) 

THE DAILY TOP LIST

I've never been out the country. The top five cities I would want to visit. 

5) Calgary. Canada. 

Have to try and visit the Dungeon. 

4) Paris. France.

Oui. Oui. 

3) London. England.

To see if I can make those guards move. My plan is to steal the weapon. 

2) Venice. Italy.

Indiana Jones found the tomb of Sir Richard under a church there. Plus, I want to go on a gondola. 

1) Vatican City. 

They gotta the freaking pope. 

HORNETS-CHICKEN NUGGETS GAME 1 RUNNING DIARY.

9:50: The Defense is really good. On the other hand, we can't make a shot. Brick. Brick. Brick. We're nearing a house.

10:12: Chicken Nuggets 27, Hornets 25 at the end of the first. My third key to victory was not to let Billups shoot 3-pointers. Well, he made four in the opening quarter. Ouch. Paul has missed several shots in the lane.

10:23: Boy, oh, boy. They running us out the gym. Like three easy transition baskets in succession. Hey, guys. It's hard to miss layups.

10:29: Last four Hornets baskets all 3s by four players. Chicken Nuggets 42, Hornets 39 with right over five minutes remaining.

10:37: How did the Nuggets not get a technical when Martin slapped away Sean Marks' hand with a closed fist?

10:50: Down eight at the half. Could be worse. Should be closer. Remember that the Hornets were down 12 points at half last year in Game 1 to Dallas. Of course, that was at home.

11:22: JRap thinks about getting a snack.
JRap: I'll wait 'till the next break. For now, I'll sit back and criticize the officials.
Me: Is there any other way to watch the playoffs?

11:27: I knew this was going to be Byron Scott's gameplan. And we're all thinking it, but I have to say it anyway. Why is Money Brown in the game instead of JuJu or MoPete? WHY?

11:48: J.R. Smith needs a good punch in the face. Like a 1990 Mike Tyson one. That's it for this game. Blowout. We still got a chance Wednesday to take control of the series. Got to shake this one off.

12:15: OK, one more comment. Let's look at the positives.
1) Peja made three 3-pointers. All nice swishes.
2) Paul and West missed a lot of shots. That won't keep up.
3) Billups can't be left that open and make that many 3s again. Right?

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom had a crick in her neck Sunday. "It's always the same fucking spot. Motherfuck. It's been three fucking days."

I try to kill a bug by clapping my hands together. Mom hears the noise. "Did you get it? It's a little bitty fucking gnat."

Mom's phone rings. "Who the fuck is that?" She answers it, but there's nobody there. She hangs up. Then, the voicemail message sounds. "What the fuck is that?"

We watch the last few episodes of Season 2 of Lost. They bury Ana Lucia. "You ever see how she comes back? How the fuck you come back from that?"

TV WEEK IN REVIEW

1) The past two episodes of Heroes have been really good. I'm excited again to watch the show.

2) I watched the first two episodes of the new cop show The Unusuals. In my expert opinion, it is unusually bad.

3) Rainn Wilson had a great appearance on Reno 911! Funny stuff.

4) SPOILER ALERT. What the bleep Tony? What the bleep? I nearly cried at the conclusion of this week's 24. How dare they turn him bad. There better be an explanation.

PARTING SHOT
Billy, our new golf writer, said he recently met with officials at the Zurich Classic.

Billy: They asked me if I ever covered golf before? I said. 'Yeah. The Division I state high school championship. Same thing, only older.'
Me: They bought that? Did they laugh?
Billy: Not as much as I had hoped.

THE DAILY TOP LIST
My top five James Earl Jones characters.

5) Mr. Mertle. Sandlot. 1993.
"Why didn't you just knock on the door? I'da gotten it for ya."

4) King Jaffe Joffer. Coming to America. 1988.
"My son works?"

3) Mufasa. Lion King. 1994.
Who didn't cry when he died?

2) Darth Vader. Star Wars. 1977.
Breathing loudly.

1) Terence Mann. Field of Dreams. 1989.
"You said your finger was a gun."

THEY SHOULD MAKE A SHOT WITH CRAWFISH JUICE.

After work last night, I met David, his girlfriend and her friends (none of them for me) at Madigan's. Or as David calls it Madi's.

Before I arrived, Tara realized she didn't have her ID with her, but she didn't necessarily care because she wasn't drinking. She went up to the bar to order a Sprite, and the bartender carded her, saying she couldn't be in the bar without an ID. This caused an incident.

By the time I arrived, Tara and another girl went back home to retrieve the ID. I'm being caught up on the story.

David: Why didn't she put it in her purse?
Samantha: She doesn't like to bring her purse with her when she goes out.
David: Well, she has pockets.
Me: She couldn't put it in her pockets, though. They're full of sunshine.
(Samantha couldn't stop laughing.)

Of course, Samantha was digging in her purse five minutes later and found Tara's ID. So, Tara wasn't in the bar without her ID. She was still pissed about the way the bartender treated her, though. Eventually, everyone made up. Yay!

No trip to Madi's is complete without some original shots from Bill the Bartender. Here he is making his renown Kill Bill Vol. 1. It contains 12 vodkas. He just goes down an entire row and puts a splash in from each bottle. Strong stuff.

On the way home, I decided to mess with David and Co., who was driving in front of me on River Road. Every 10 to 15 seconds, I flashed my bright lights. Usually for a second at a time, once for five seconds. I figured they knew it was me. When David turned at the beginning of Harahan, I honked my horn at his van. Driving near people you know is fun!

On Saturday at the second annual Rittiner crawfish boil, I learned that David and the girls had no idea I was driving behind them. They thought I was some giant douche. The girls kept shooting the bird at me, though I couldn't see that.

Me: How did you like me flashing my lights at you last night?
David: That was you? Oh, man. I kept saying, 'Look at this asshole. He keeps flashing his lights at me. Why won't he just fucking pass me?' I even slowed down for the car to do that. And then when you honked the horn, I was like 'This is the biggest asshole ever. Now, he's honking at us.'

When everyone found out, they agreed it was a good prank. They didn't hold a grudge and found the humor in it. That was a lot of fun. I hope to do it again someday.

That's the spread for the second batch of crawfish Saturday. The first batch was good, and the second batch was awesome. I must have had me about eight pounds. All around good times.

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom is upset because all the headphones in our house have one earpiece broken, even though we have four iPods. "Piece of shit. $200 iPod. Ninety-five cent headphones."

Mom wants the tree in our backyard to come down. She's sick of it. It's expensive, though. "I guess I'll take money out the fucking bank and pay someone to cut it down. It's coming down. I had enough of it."

Mom falls behind on her chores. "I'm wasting all my time doing other shit."

The other day, mom also was all out of sorts. "It's been so long since I seen fucking Lost. I forgot what happened. I haven't even read the newspaper today. It's fucked. I haven't done my exercises yet, either. All this fucking shit."

MORE PRICE CHANGES

On Friday, I noticed that the granola price had been fixed. It is now .85. For the past week, it had been $8.55 for a Natural Valley granola bar. That's a drop of $7.70, probably marking the biggest one-day drop of a candy price in history.

PARTING SHOT
D turns to check out some of the Rockets-Blazers game.

D: This is why I should win the lottery. Then, I could sit at home and watch 40 games in 40 nights.
Liam: With a 40 ounce.
D: Every night.

THE DAILY TOP LIST
Two lists today because they are both favorite three.

My top three bands of the 60s.

3) The Beach Boys.
I feel like I should be on the beach when listening to them.

2) The Rolling Stones.
They were No. 5 on bands of the 70s.

1) The Beatles.
Who doesn't like The Beatles?

My top three movie soundtracks.

3) Lion King.
Thank you Elton John.

2) Space Jam.
Used to listen to it as I feel asleep.

1) Forrest Gump.
Too many big hits not to be.