I FEEL PRETTY AND WITTY AND BRIGHT

YOU DECIDE WHO WON

On the Sunday night before Christmas and Christmas night itself, we ended up at Kelly and Bert's for impromptu game nights. 

We played a game Kelly picked up on Black Friday called Wits and Wagers. Questions are basically guess a number, percentage or date. Each player takes a guess, and the answers are lined up in order. You then bet -- you can bet on yourself or any other answer -- on which answer you think is closest without going over. 

After playing twice, Bert has proven to be the best. His guesses are straight up ridiculous. He's gotten the exact answer right several times. Me: so, did you just know that? Him: no, just figured it was around there. 

But the first time we played, he hadn't hit his stride yet. In that first game, Kelly and I tied. The group wondered aloud about the tiebreaker. I had read the rules and explained that we ask one more question and the closest wins. 

Question: What percentage of Americans admit to texting while driving? I wrote 34 percent and Kelly 41 perecnt. The answer is 37 percent, so I won by one percent. Oh the excitement!

Me: Of course, I made that tiebreaker up, though it was certainly a more dramatic solution. The actual rules say the youngest player in a tie wins. 

Kelly: Oh my god! I won! I won! 

Me: It is the lamest rule ever. 

Kelly: Shut up! I won!

So readers, who won? Do you choose the dumb makers of the game and Kelly? Or the agreed upon tiebreaker that was totally fair and legitimate and me?

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom was upset that I was in a rush to eat lunch Monday. "You think I'm a robot with an energizer bunny up my ass."

I tell mom that Obama is watching the DVDs of Breaking Bad. "Probably watching in the fucking Oval Office."

Mom has had it with the neighbors. "Fucking people are killing my fucking lawn. Ruined their side and now ruining my side. Ain't fuck I can do about it. Fucking trash people, man."

TIS THE SEASON

On Christmas Eve, I stopped by mom grandma's house. My 2-year-old second cousin reminds me of myself at a young age. No socialization. Only wants to wrestle and jump on everything. Has my long blonde hair. 

And the kicker is that he is skinny -- and both his parents are heavy. So I think he got the family gene -- pun intended -- that I did. 

I wonder if Jeremiah -- I don't pick the family names -- is also going to grow up to be handsome and brilliant. 

After that, it was off to Tina's, where we watched The Sting. A 1973 classic. 

Here's what Tina cooked the week of Christmas. All if these, as usual, had several servings. 

Friday: spaghetti and meatballs. 

Saturday: the soup mentioned in the last post

Tuesday: more spaghetti and eggplant

Wednesday: pork chops with fries

And here are my favorite presents Tina got me. 

 

PICTURES FROM CHRISTMAS PARTIES

I WENT AS JIMMY CHITWOOD

Our office had a Christmas party last Friday, which is the first time we've done anything like a traditional office in some time. We don't do secret Santa or Super Bowl pools or have a water cooler. 

Tina made the meatballs, which were met with universal praise. Also you can see three of the four cakes we had. And the booze. Did I mention this party was during work?

In this shot, you can see the sandwiches, bacon-wrapped chicken and shrimp. There was also fried wings, salad and cheese. 

It was the second-best office party I've ever been to, even if half the employees no-showed because it wasn't worth their time. 

It's not Christmas season until mom makes her soup. It's corn, crabmeat, shrimp, celery and red pepper. I will eat a bowl of this stuff every day for the next 10 days. There's a lot and only two of us eating it. 

Kelly got me this cool Arrested Development shirt, among other stuff. Buster is my favorite on here. 

That's the snack spread at Bert and Kelly's Christmas party on Saturday night. The main dish was Bert's gumbo. I had three bowls. 

The theme for this year was dress as your favorite 1980s movie character. Paul, of course, broke the rules and came as The Jerk, which came out in 1979. Was it that difficult to follow the rules? It's a fucking 10-year span?

Greg came as Bender from The Breakfast Club. Nicely done. Other good costumes included David and Sarah as Darth Vader and Princess Leia and Bert and Kelly as the Keymaster/Gatekeeper from Ghostbusters. 

I don't have an explanation for this. But just know that the next morning when it was suggested we eat in the car, Kelly said, "I am not white trash. I eat my breakfast in restaurants."

Our fantasy league bought a belt that the winner gets to keep for the next year. Joe was last year's champ and had to return the belt at the Christmas party. 

Paul and Pee-wee were scheduled to square off the next day in the championship. Call this the official weigh-in. I hope we take a picture like this every year. 

And what weigh-in would be complete without a little trash talk. 

Paul: You call that a stare? 

Pee-wee: You call that a face? 

(Matt, err, Pee-wee, won by blowout.)

This was the sixth year of the Rectum fantasy league. Here are the four previous  champions, all present at the Christmas party. The fifth champion we kicked out the league, so that year is vacant. 

It was another successful Bert and Kelly Christmas party. I got just the right amount of drunk. I got a gift card to The Bulldog in Steal a Gift. Some folks broke the swing outside. 

Nicole and I defeated Bert and Leigh in beer pong. Both teams had one cup left. After many, many misses, they finally made one out of two of their balls on their turn. 

So we had a chance to tie. Nicole went first and made it. That tied it. I let mine go and knew right away that it was in. Two balls in one cup for the victory. 

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom recently learned of the existence of Candy Crush. "They say it's fucking addictive."

Mom and I are discussing best ofs for 2013. I ask what the biggest fad was. Mom: "That fucking song on the Internet. What does the fox say?"

IS THAT A FELONY?

SUNDAY FUNDAY

Sunday was quite an eventful TV day for me. I arrived at the Fox at 12:05 for the noon games. And I didn't stop watching TV until I went to bed. 

Bert and I bet on three NFL games. The only one at noon was we picked the Jaguars, but when the Bills beat them, our entire bet went down the tubes. Out of nine weeks betting, we have won once. 

The Dolphins defeated the evil Tom Brady  and his band of Patriots. So that was good. Even prevented a patented Brady late-game comeback. 

The Saints then came on, and that was a miserable three-plus hours. Man, this team looks so bad when it's not a night game in the Done. The line can't block, receivers can't get open, backs can't find a hole or beak tackles and that no. 9 guy gives the ball to the other team. 

The rest of the night went like this: wrestling pay-per-view (so-so historic main event with a good ending); Family Guy (Brian lives and the stupid other dog is gone. Time machines rule!); Psych the Musical (just a long episode with a couple decent songs); Homeland finale (really intense first half; boring second half). 

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom is obsessed with North West. "Have you seen the kid? She's fucking adorable."

Mom thinks all mixed race babies are cute. Kim and Kanye's are no exception. 

Mom: He's definitely black. She's definitely white. 

Me: No, ma. She's not white. 

Mom: What the fuck you think she is?

Mom was over Tuesday to clean my house. She didn't like a particular part. "Jesus, look at this fucking room."

SEASON'S GREETINGS

Check out this holiday card I got in the mail. 

Isn't that sweet? I am proudly displaying it in my living room. 

It came from a family friend of the people who used to live here before the people I bought the house from. 

CAN I GET A HANDLE ON THINGS?

CUZ IT'S ONE. TWO. THREE STRIKES. 

My mind was elsewhere Monday when I headed to the grocery. The main problem I discovered in the parking lot of the grocery was that I forgot my wallet. 

So I went back home, retrieved my wallet  and went back to the grocery. I bought milk, bananas and water. 

I tell you this because later in the evening I went with Bert and Kelly to our softball playoff game. On the way to City Park, I realized that I had never taken my groceries out of the car. Strike two. 

As for the softball game, we lost in the semifinals. After the fourth inning, the Apple Dumpling Gang led Pitch Please 11-10. Unfortunately, the game had several innings left. We actually lost by the 10-run rule during the sixth inning. 

I had three hits, three runs and an RBI. I also made a dead sprint shoestring catch. So no strike three for me, right? Wrong. 

We ate at Bud's postgame. Good food for getting over the depression of losing. I actually hadn't eaten there in almost a year. 

At Bud's, Kelly looked at me and said: "Is your shirt on backward?"

Well, yes. Yes it was. And there was strike three. 

I might have hit two screaming doubles and beat the tag on one with a nice slide, but I did it all with my shirt on backward. Not the jersey shirt but the long sleeve undershirt. 

Little Joe and I got milkshakes to go. There's no story there. Just thought you should know. 

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom has been playing her Wii as of late. Mainly, she's bowling. "I'm trying to beat that fucking 223 high score. Had six strikes in the row the other day. Then I fucked it up. I tried to play baseball. But I didn't understand what the fuck was going on."

Mom says that Chase had a problem the other day. "Somebody hacked into the motherfucker. Fucking computers. They say you can't believe the shit you see in movies, but it can be done."

On the Sons of Anarchy season finale, mom's favorite character, Tara, died. "Stabbed with a fucking fork. And then drowned in a sink."

Mom is trying to load a video on her computer. She doesn't like the pop-up ads. "Fucking shut the fuck up."

Mom had to pay her ticket for speeding in a school zone. "300 and 50 fucking dollars. More than my fucking taxes."

I tell mom that the city pays the bills with ticket money. "I don't give a fuck. They're like the keystone cops down there at court. They all there sucking on tootsie rolls."

Then later about the court process. "It's a joke. A big fucking joke."

HULKING UP

I've been watching old WrestleManias, and the power of Hulkamania has taken over my body. Look what happened when I went to take clothes out the dryer Wednesday night. 

Ripped the handle right off. 

I FOUGHT AS THE INCREDIBLE HULK

THIS IS WHAT'S UP WITH ME

Thanksgiving was awesome. I watched all three football games with two rounds of turkey. The neighbors had a feast lined up in which I partook in turkey, two kinds of mac and cheese and apple pie. 

The best part was the apple pie. Kelly made three of them. I had two pieces Thursday, two Saturday and one Sunday. It was the best pie I've ever eaten. 

Bert's cousin and her family also came. Her 3-year-old was full of energy and best the crap out of Jacob and me. We then colored together. Here's my work:

Other notes

-- My new catchphrase I've been using is "Get some." 

-- It's been difficult to stop using Hornets when referring to the local professional basketball team. I recently stopped mixing it up, but I hear people quite often calling the Pelicans the Hornets. My response is now always: "The Hornets don't play until next year."

-- I learned that Metairie means "small tenant farm" in French. Property owners up until the early 1900s paid their "mortgage" with produce. Shit, I can grow tomatoes. That would be much cheaper than my monthly payment. 

-- Some songs when they come on remind me of the movie they were prominently featured in. Whenever "Paradise City" comes on, like it did on my iPod the other day, I can only think of William Lichter in "Can't Hardly Wait."

-- Also a joy on the iPod is hearing a song I haven't heard in years, especially one that had become so overplayed that it became universally disliked. But now, it's likeable again. That happened with Smash Mouth's "All-Star" last week. All that glitters is gold indeed. Get some. 

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom watched an extra scene on the DVD of season 5 of Breaking Bad. She asks me if Kelly has viewed the scene. Me: What do you think?

Mom: Fuck if I know. 

IS THE PRESIDENT ALIVE?

I recently watched "Olympus has Fallen" and "White House Down" in the same week. So which tale of the White House getting taken over by a small army trying to arm nuclear bombs while one man foils the plot is better? Hmmm. 

Olympus: Jeremy Renner is better than Channing Tatum. The plot is better. It's a tighter story as Down is way too long. 

Down: The use of the child is far superior. The bad guys are more fun and have many funny lines. But it's all just too much. There are like 20 explosions in the White House and too many gun battles where nobody dies. Jamie Foxx is a better president, and it's a more educational film with many White House facts (it was once called The Presidential Palace). 

The motives in Down are much more confusing. And the twist is just there to have a twist. It's worthless really. My answer to which is better: Down was a bit more fun overall, but if I had to watch one of them again, it would be Olympus. 

But neither is as good as a four-episode story in Season 7 of 24 where the exact same thing happens. Give me Jack Bauer anyday of the week. 

SAINTLY SIGHTINGS

I haven't written about the Saints in a while. Here's what I've been thinking. 

1. The Saints haven't scored a touchdown in the second half in four of the past five games. Yikes. 

2. One thing being ignored in the Saints struggles is that the receivers can't get open. How many times has Brees dropped back to pass, had loads of time and then even more time and yet had no one to throw to, except the time he threw it to a 49er? Several times a game. 

He throws the ball away. You would think someone could break open after all that time. But no. So stop blaming just the offensive line for everything. 

3. The penalty on Ahmad Brooks a few weeks ago for hitting Brees in the neck and chin got a lot of media attention. A lot. But here's what wasn't said: The hit should have been avoided. 

Brees made the wrong read on the play, looking for Sproles, who didn't break open. By the time Brees realized this, he turned back to see his other options. As he turned, Brooks whacked him. Brooks was going to hit Brees clean until Brees turned into Brooks' hit. Bad luck for Brooks. 

But Brees could have avoided the whole thing if he had read the play correctly. Look at how open Graham is out of his break. 

Oops. The closest defender is off screen but not that close. And that is taken after Graham had taken three steps across the field with no defender there. 

4. If the Saints win the rest of their games in a dome this season, they will win the division and get a bye. Then they will win the divisional playoff game at home. So keep winning in domes equals NFC championship game. Maybe Seattle will be upset before then. 

5. Pierre Thomas continues to be the most underrated player in franchise history even as people keep agreeing with that statement. 

CAN ANYONE EXPLAIN WOMEN TO ME?

MY WRESTLING GIRL

I covered the WrestleMania XXX ticket party Friday night Nov. 15 at Champions Square. www.nola.com/festivals/index.ssf/2013/11/wrestlemania_xxx_ticket_event.html

(Paul showed up, among the several thousand, to get some John Hancocks.)

And while it was nice to meet the WWE publicity people I've been emailing this year, I was more excited to meet Ann, the  local PR go-between for me and the WWE. That's because she sounded hot on the phone. Turns out, she was hot. 

After I did my interviews and took enough notes, I started talking to Ann next to one of the autograph stands. I learned that she volunteered for the assignment at work because she likes wrestling. Whoaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. 

Granted, she was working the event and was obligated to make sure I had everything I needed. But she didn't have to talk to me for an hour and a half. The fact that we were "working" was not brought up after about 10 minutes. 

It was just us talking about life and wrestling in general. Her favorite is still Mick Foley. "I read his book in 2000." Well, shit. So did I. 

(That's the hardcore legend, Mick Foley. I have an autograph from him on a sock.)

After establishing enough groundwork and knowing I had to get going in order to write my story in a timely fashion, I said that I was going to leave and just needed to go back in the Champions Square offices to get my stuff. 

Ann: "OK, I'll wait right here."

Whoaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. 

I expected her to go back inside and converse with the other PR people. Or just leave. Not "I'll wait right here." My heart was aflutter. 

When I came back outside, she wasn't right there. She was gone. That sounded more like it. She wasn't really going to walk out with me. With my hopes dashed, I walked out as fans continued to stand in line for autographs. 

But what's this? There was Ann waiting for me on the first step leading up to the Superdome. 

Me: Oh there you are. 

Ann: Yeah. I just needed to sit down for a sec. 

Indeed. We had been standing for our whole conversation. I was once again aflutter because she had waited. Did I mention how well we were hitting it off? I had her in stitches. 

(Sir Saint agrees that Ann was into it. YES! YES! YES!)

And while the first few LOLs I figured she was being nice, after an hour and half, if she wasn't into it, she would said "Well, I have to go check on another media member" or "check in with so and so." Or something. It wouldn't have been hard to get out of the conversation. But she just kept on laughing. 

She also mentioned how hungry she was a little earlier. The media spread was grapes and crackers. So I says to her on the steps of Champions Square, "You wanna g ---"

"Oh there you are." It was her boss who sat down next to her. She introduced us, and he wouldn't shut up about 1980s wrestling. He then said, "Ann, let's go back in and check on ..."

I didn't pay attention to the rest. Off they went back to the offices. Fuck. This was finishing up a work week for them, so it's not like I could follow them and wait for her to be alone again to ask her out. 

Besides, I had a story to write. And I had her number, so I could call her. I couldn't help but wonder, though, what would have happened if her boss would have stayed inside. It seemed like she thought she was done working when I said I was leaving. We could have gotten a drink or something. 

It seemed like she was into it, but I worried about losing momentum by waiting until Monday to say something. But that's what I had to do for I only had an email and her office number. 

Sure enough when I called Monday it was like Friday night never happened. She said it was nice to meet me and looked forward to working together leading up to the actual show. 

When I asked her to come look at my personal wrestling collection that night, she said ... just kidding. I didn't do that. 

No, I asked her to a Pelicans game that Wednesday night. She said she had to work. She said it immediately. She said it definitively. She left no room for a maybe next time or how about another day. 

I felt like I had taken a body slam on the concrete. It was like my afluttering heart had been put in a figure four. 

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom was exited about a recent Sons of Anarchy episode. "It was a fucking bloodbath."

Mom has been cleaning up poop in her backyard. "It's two cats. One doesn't have a tail. It's weird."

Me: Maybe it's not a cat. 

Mom: Oh, it's a fucking cat. 

NOT A DRY EYE IN THE TOP LEVEL. ROW 1. SEAT 16.

TIME. GOES BY. SO SLOWLY. 

I'm not much of a musical person -- though I own the soundtrack to the musicals of Scrubs, The Producers and Spamalot -- but when I saw that Ghost the Musical was coming to the Saenger, I was downright giddy. 

Jenna and Joe have season tickets, and with Joe having no interest in a non-Patrick Swayze Ghost, it was me accompanying Jenna to the theatre. 

Did I enjoy the play? You damn right I did.      There are two key ingredients to any Ghost production. 1) the love story being stronger than death and 2) the comedic relief of psychic Oda Mae. 

On the second point, Tuesday's show was a success. Even though I already knew the lines, Carla Stewart's performance stole the show. The best two scenes in the show were Oda Mae at the bank and Oda Mae first convincing Molly that Sam was there as a ghost. "Tell her ditto" might have made me cry. 

On the first point, the show was a moderate success. The first couple of scenes were good, and the two leads had good chemistry in showing the undying, if not fully expressed, love of Sam and Molly. As well, the happy ending before Sam leaves for heaven was heartwarming. 

It was just the middle that lacked. More on that in a second. 

The show was also more of a special effects display than a love story at times, and that was distracting, especially when the crazy blinking lights on stage went right in my eyes. 

Overall, I loved it and really enjoyed my trip to the new theatre. Here are some photos of the inside. 

But enough praise. Here are the top five things I didn't like about my experience:

5) I couldn't see the real ghost. You know, Patrick Swayze. Too soon?

4) The people behind us wouldn't shut up. They had a conversation about how one of them never saw the movie (Whaaaat?). They laughed during the emotional ending when Molly can see Sam and they kiss. Some people, I tell ya. 

3) The musical follows the movie like gospel as the screenwriter of the movie adapted it for the stage. But it left out two of my favorite parts. A) The guy that teaches Sam to move things doesn't say "What I wouldn't give for one drag."  B) Sam doesn't move a penny up the door to convince Molly that he is there. Instead Oda Mae recited a letter. Booo!

2) The snack stand didn't have popcorn. Jenna said they probably don't want to deal with the mess, but dammit, I wanted  popcorn. Would have gone well with the second act. They did, however, have four types of Zapps because you know, chips don't make noise and bother those around you trying to hear the play. 

1) The middle of the play ruined the chemistry of our love birds. The two leads didn't share a scene for what seemed like an eternity. What really did it was that Molly had three solo songs that were meant to show her suffering after losing the love of her life. 

Instead, she came off as whiny. The actress also wasn't a strong singer, which didn't help. So I started to cheer for Carl to kill her. Well, only a little.

I would have cut out all three songs. She just had too many scenes without Sam. Their separation made me forget how much they loved -- or dittoed -- each other. 

Anyway, see Ghost the Musical. And then we can have this conversation. 

Me: I loved it. 

You: Ditto. 

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom gave me a shower stand for my 30th birthday. We put it together the other day. I'm reading the steps and point out two typos. I tell mom I'm going to write a letter to the company. "Really? It's fucking instructions."

I didn't answer the door right away when she came over. "You got the TV so loud, and I'm ringing the fucking doorbell."

Mom notices that her ticket for speeding in a school zone was written before school lets out. "That motherfucker jumped the gun."

I'M NOT YOUNG ANYMORE. SIGH.

BIRTHDAY PICTURES

Here's me eating my birthday cake at Twin Peaks. Kelly cut a piece for everyone, and then I attacked the rest of the cake with a fork. 

Kelly got me these balloons. I think this was the only part of her plan that didn't get fucked up. 

Tina arranged cupcakes Walter White style. And in a longstanding tradition, she got me clothes for my birthday. 

Bob, Paul and Leigh came over to watch the Saints manhandle them Cowboys. Also, Joe was there, and he was sporting his fantasy championship belt from 2012. Our league got this belt this year for a little more than $100. Worth it. It shall be mine! Hit my music!

I THOUGHT THE WAITRESS WAS JOKING.

CAKE. EVERYBODY LOVES CAKE. 

After I told her that I didn't want to do anything for my birthday, Kelly planned a surprise party for my 30th birthday. Bless her heart. 

Unfortunately, I found out about it. Nevertheless, we had reservations at Crazy Johnnies for Wednesday night. I, of course, was late as if it was still a surprise. 

Tina said: "You're gonna be late to your own fucking funeral. Whatever that means." 

The restaurant announced it was going to close soon the day Kelly made the reservation. Not exactly off to a good start. As we were walking up to the joint, Tina said: "This place is going to be a fucking mad house."

And it was. But Kelly got there at 5:15 to protect our reservation. So no problem, right? Wrong. Twenty minutes after we ordered, we were told they were out of filet. Ugh, that's what I ordered. So we left. 

The best part of the night ended up being the cake. 

Kelly got it from Rouses. I told her I wanted it from McKenzie's even though I meant Haydel's. So that obviously threw her off because there is no Mckenzie's on Jefferson Highway. Oops. 

So to recap, Kelly organized a surprise party (it was my fault it got ruined), got to the restaurant an hour early to set up, went through hoops to get an awesome cake (dobash), got a bunch of balloons, and my 30th birthday party ended up at Twin Peaks, where there was a 45-minute wait. 

But we did get this gem: a menu item called the Average Joes.

An appetizer with of three brats. Like they knew Joe was coming. 

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom is getting a new mouthpiece soon. "It's about time. I've been dealing with this motherfucker for five years."

As you may know, mom doesn't like police officers. Enjoy: "They get that fucking badge and think that gives them the fucking right to do anything. Fucking hate cops. When I was 20, a cop followed me for like 10 miles. I pulled into a police station. You know cops stop girls by themselves and fucking rape them? It's in the fucking paper all the time. Like 3 o'clock in the fucking morning."

DRINK UP. THEY MIGHT PLAY BETTER.

FOUR CORNERS

-- I had the most popular story (http://www.nola.com/arts/index.ssf/2013/11/wwe_superstar_john_cena_lookin.html) on the entire site Friday. In other wrestling news, I went as CM Punk for Halloween. Didn't take a picture, though. 

-- I have five 8s in my bank account amount right now. My goal is to get to seven. 

-- I went to the first ever Pelicans basketball game. Team looked good despite the loss but not so much since. The good news is we got a bar right next to our section. 

And I still have tickets left to a bunch of games. Five bucks a pop. Get some. 

-- I turn 30 Sunday. Tina has been calling me that for five months, but now it's really here. Bob points out that my usefulness as a running back is about to expire. I wasn't born until 4:40 p.m., so I could still suit up for the noon games Sunday. They say the 30s are the best. I guess I'm about to find out. 

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom is annoyed that the box set coming out for the complete Breaking Bad set doesn't come in regular DVD form. "Doesn't look like they selling regular DVDs. Just fucking blu ray."

Mom is working on the house. "I need a new doorbell. The fucking white button dry rotted."

And she's painting again. "I let the guy talk me into a galloon of paint for six shutters. Could have gotten by with a fucking quart."

Mom claims to be a music expert. "I listen to everything. I listen to fucking opera sometimes."

For my Breaking Bad party, I borrowed a white table cover from the neighbors to fancy it up. I have yet to return it. "Jesus Christ, fucking cloth is still here."

Mom is an aggravated driver. "Everywhere you fucking go there's construction. And I don't go anywhere."

Which may have led to her recent ticket for speeding. "Fucking school zone. I asked the cop to let me go. But he said no. He wanted to show how big his dick is." 

OH TV. YOU USED TO BE BETTER. 

I've cut back my TV intake this year. I dropped all the shows I only sort of liked. Here's my thoughts on this season. 

1. This is my favorite stretch of the Walking Dead. Love the tone of the new showrunner. Zombie use has been creative. 

2. The Middle continues to be the most underrated show on TV. It never has a bad episode. It's just a simple, good old-fashioned show about middle America. Usually, kid actors suck, but this show has 3 good ones. Plus, Jan Itor. 

3. New Girl has been slightly down this year. But I still love me some Nick Miller. Same for Parks and Rec. But they've had the two best episodes of comedy this season. Sunny is just always hilarious. 

4. Not thrilled with some storylines in Parenthood. But that's probably my favorite show on the tube right now. 

5. I have a special place in my heart for How I Met Your Mother. But at this point, watching it is like doing chores when you're 10. 

I HAVE A TOP 5 HEADLINES IN THE SECTION

BITCHIN'

I've been on a roll lately work-wise. Putting out killer sections. Writing wrestling articles. Researching the shit out of Saints history. Putting on a clinic in fun headlines in the Pelicans section coming out Sunday. 

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom caught the end of the last Saints' game. "Had it until the last 10 fucking seconds."

Mom had a hunch about the Venezuelan doctor on Homeland. "I knew he was fucking that little boy."

Mom doesn't like the Elmwood Best Buy. "It's so fucked up. I don't know who puts the shit out."

Mom and I went to Cowbell on Monday. Another waitress peeved mom. "This waitress is modeling around the fucking food. Who does she think she is?"

Mom asks why I took off this Sunday. I tell her wrestling. "That's the perk of being single. Do whatever the fuck you want when you want."

I tell mom she is close to hitting another car as she pulls out of a tight spot in the Cowbell parking lot. She gets out to look for herself. "Tell me I had no room. Had two fucking feet."

Mom is repainting the shutters in the front of her house. "The shutters might be dry rotted. Started spraying with the hose, and they just started fucking peeling."

Mom is driving home. "Fucking dust on River Road. My car was clean."

Mom tells me to make sure I cut the grass every so often during the winter. "Grass still grows here. It ain't like we got fucking snow."

Mom catches herself not paying attention while making me breakfast. "Jesus, Tina. You gonna burn the fucking house down." 

THAT DIDN'T HURT. LOSING DID.

VACATION 3: SPORTS SUCK

I returned to work Wednesday from a nine-day break. It was real. It was fun. And it was real fun. 

They had to drag me back into the building kicking and screaming. Like a third-grader on the first day of school. I have my arms folded and a pouty face as I type this from a conference room down the hall from my desk. Shhh. 

Here's what happened the last few days of my final vacation of 2013. I swear I'm leaving the city in 2014. 

Saturday: Bert and I went to Jefferson Playground to throw the ol' pigskin around. We used to do this more frequently in our youth and when we had others with whom to play. I miss Saturday football with friends. Sigh. 

After tiring out quickly -- did I mention I'm almost 30 -- we headed back home to watch LSU impressively defeat Florida. With enough bounces, the Tigers could reach the title game. They have the talent and scheme. Bad news is they actually need more than a few bounces. 

Saturday night saw a good portion of the group at Kelly and Bert's. Pizza was ordered as well as that much-advertised Papa John's cookie. It was OK. 

Then came time to decide what to do. The solution was that the women watched American Horror Story -- the biggest chick show on TV right now -- and the dudes engaged in an epic battle of Bezzerweizer. Bert won. 

Sunday: Typical Sunday in the fall. I watched the National Football League. The noon games saw the bet Bert and I made go down in flames as only one of the three games we picked was right. Boo. 

Then came the Saints game, which I refuse to rewatch. Here are my quick thoughts on the heartbreaking loss. 

1. I don't blame coaching. I liked all the calls at the end. As for how we allowed them three chances, I expected them to get the ball back both times. That's what happens when your defense is solid, you have all three timeouts -- four with the two-minute warning -- and you have two quick possessions. 

The Patriots ran five plays on their first two chances down 3 late. The clock stopped after four of them. So I was really upset with people saying "how can you give them three chances?" And I agreed with every play call during the Saints' possessions. Just because it didn't result in a first down doesn't mean they weren't the right calls. OK, I didn't like the jump ball throw to Colston. But I like the fact that they tried to pass to win the game with a first down. 

2. The refs suck and blew many calls. Everyone has already talked about that all week. Locally, that is. Nationally, the game was refereed perfectly fine. And I actually saw Galette get held as the play was happening. I yelled it at the TV. 

3.  Shame on Jabari Greer for letting the guy get behind him. I know he just missed tipping it away, but his only job was to not let the guy get behind him. And the receiver didn't run a tricky route, just ran straight by Greer. Ugh. 

OK, that wasn't short. But oh well. 

Later Sunday, I watched the premiere of The Walking Dead. It got 16.1 million viewers. Still not sure why this show is so popular. It's just not very good. I'm not even sure why I'm still watching. 

For a nightcap, I watched Inside Man with Clive Owen and Denzel. Great movie, though it wasn't quite as good as I remember. Felt a little dated already. 

Monday: I did some research on a long-term project I started. Very excited about it.

The Apple Dumpling Gang fell 7-3 in Week 2 of the season. The teams were even. They had about four bloop hits fall just out of our reach, we hit into some bad luck and then couldn't get any clutch hits. We had the based loaded in the sixth with one out and couldn't score. 

This also happened. 

That's from sliding for a ball in the outfield -- I just missed it -- and sliding into second. I was safe. 

Chuck, Bob, Joe and I had another nice dinner at Theo's. Chuck told a good story about a stalker. Not his. 

The TV had Catching Hell on, the story of the Cubs tragically losing in 2003. Like I said in the headline, sports suck. 

Tuesday: I picked up my lawnmower from the repair shop. It's fixed! It needed a new carburetor needle. Who knew?

For dinner, I went with Leigh and Paul to Jaeger Burger on Harrison. It was OK. The wax paper the burger is served on was melted into the cheese on Paul's burger. We're not sure how much paper he ate before noticing. 

Back at Paul's house, I met their dog, Buffy. Like any normal woman, she took to me right away. She's cute but not exactly my type. 

She definitely likes me more than her parents, though. She followed me to my car as I was leaving. And when I opened the door, ... 

She had trouble hitting the brakes, but other than that, she's a pretty good driver. She stayed in my car for 10 minutes before we forced her out. 

Can I add Buffy to the list of girls who've been in my car? I say yes. 

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom didn't like how I was dressed on Saturday when I stopped by for some food. "You look at yourself before you left? Jesus Christ."

Mom is wishing for fall. "It's the middle of October, and it's still fucking hot."

But it is almost Christmas time. "That  fucking music already playing in the stores. Ain't even got to Halloween yet."

They are tearing down the Popeye's down the street from mom's house. "Wonder what they are putting there. Probably some bullshit. They could at least give me my fucking hamburgers back." (A nearby Burger King closed 15 years ago and remains an unused lot.)

Mom had an accident at the gas station. "I was filling up my gas can for the lawnmower. I let it go too far, and I had fucking gas all over me."

Mom is mad that some dislike this season of her beloved Sons of Anarchy. "If you don't like the fucking show, don't comment on the motherfucker. ... They don't like that it's getting so violent. Hello, it's a fucking motorcycle gang. They sell fucking guns."

WALTER WHITE, WHAT?

Most think that Walter dies at the end of Breaking Bad. But this suggests he survived and is living amongst us. 

I COULD GET USED TO NOT WORKING

VACATION 2: NOT IN EUROPE

I'm on vacation this week to go to Bean Town for the Saints-Patriots game. But as I didn't have anyone to go with, I'm watching this Boston-Detroit playoff game on my couch on Saturday night when I could have been live at Fenway. 

But as they say, that's life. So here's what I've been up to since Tuesday on my last vacation until Paul's wedding. 

Wednesday: Bert and I decided to gamble on football games Sunday. You know, if that sort of thing were legal. We picked the Vikings, Eagles and the goddamn Jets. We need all three to win. 

Kelly informs me that she actually didn't tell a stranger that I had Asspergers. She did tell her that I'm an asshole, though. 

Thursday: As with other staycations, I picked a day to spend at the casino. I don't discuss casino results as per superstition. 

Friday: Paul's 29th birthday. We ate dinner at Bayou Beer Garden and then went to Barcadia to continue drinking but also to play games. 

But not air hockey. That broke. 

I played pop-a-shot with a high of 56. I beat Paul in Killer Instinct, which was not as fun as I remember. I played the Turtles 1989 arcade game. I was better at killing foot soldiers when I was 8 years old. Now, I'm awful. 

The highlight of the night was playing Giant Connect Four. 

That's Paul against Jacob. No idea who won. I beat Joe in four moves. Sucker. 

The big winner of the evening was the birthday boy himself. He defeated me in Giant Connect Four. It was an epic game where we both made every right move. 

Basically, we realized that the winner could be determined by counting turns because we each had one spot setup to win, and it was the same spot. 

Then, Birthday Boy faced Joe in NFL Blitz, a 2000 game that the league probably isn't too fond of now. What with all the wrestling tackles. 

Joe as the 49ers was leading 28-9 over Paul's Dolphins. But oh the fourth quarter. Two picks and some touchdown drives later, Paul won 29-28. 

When we were leaving, a drunk girl approached me and grabbed my ear. She played with it for a few seconds before moving on. Yes, I blushed. 

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom is wondering if my buddy Greg is still living at home. I tell her yes and that it hurts when courting a young lady. 

"Why don't he just get a fucking hotel room? It's more romantic anyway."

Mom doesn't like how difficult closed captioning is to get on the Cox remote. "You should be able to hit one button and have the motherfucker come up."

Mom doesn't like her mail system. "I need a mailbox like yours. My shit blows all over the fucking place."

Mom saw a report on TV. "Copenhagen is the best place to live. Fucking government gives you everything."

STILL TRYING TO GET IT SIGNED

MY VACATION SO FAR

I'm on vacation this week. I picked this week to venture over to Boston for the Saints-Patriots battle of the undefeateds tilt. Oh, wait. The Pats have a loss now. But still. 

Unfortunately, I couldn't get anybody to make the trek. So no Cheers, Marathon finish line or Red Sox playoff game for me. Just my TV and my few plans. 

This is what I've done so far. Be jealous. 

Monday: I finally brought my malfunctioning lawnmower into the shop for repair. Guy said 6 to 10 days. Yeah, we'll see about that. 

I cut my grass with Tina's lawnmower. 

I rejoined the Apple Dunpling Game softball team for a Monday league. After one week, Joe is line for the Cy Young. We won easily, but the two teams who played after us looked like a step up in competition. 

I had dinner at Theo's with Bob, Chuck and Joe. Kind of like old times. We didn't make a newspaper or anything, but it was nice to catch up. 

Tuesday: I watched the fifth installment of Die Hard. I wished I hadn't. What the shit was that shit. Die Hard is not a franchise. It's two movies. That's it. 

I did some Saints research for two hours on the woeful running game. Hopefully, it appears in Jeff Duncan's column later this week. I uncovered two interesting stats. I then rewatched the Bears game. 

I divided up my Pelicans tickets -- even though they haven't been mailed yet -- with Joe, Bert and Paul. Can't wait to chant let's go Pels and shop at the Pelicans' Beak. 

If anyone is interested, I'm selling my own 5-game ticket packages. Two tickets to five games for 50 bucks. That's five bucks a ticket. You can mostly pick your games. Holla if you interested. 

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom had a long day in her yard. "I filled up six bags of fucking trash."

Mom didn't like a change Gmail made to her settings. "What a fucking mess. Why they got to change it? It's bullshit."

There is a new place in the strip mall down the street from mom's house. "That fitness center next to the Dollar General, you should see the fucking people that go in there."

Mom's favorite show is Sons of Anarchy. She notes that the creator had the character he plays die. "He finally killed himself off the show. He was always getting fucked up the ass."

SEVEN SAINTLY SIGHTINGS

1. Possibly my favorite technological advancement is taping a show from a cell phone. I forgot to tape the Saints-Bears game Sunday, but I set it to record from the Fox & Hound using a Cox app. I am still blown away by the fact I was able to do this. 

2. I started the Jimmy Graham for MVP runner-up a few weeks ago in this space. The rest of the national media caught up this week. The problem still is that if a team doubles him the whole game, the Saints need a second receiver to emerge. And who is that going to be?

3. The Saints faced eight fourth-and-1s or fourth-and-2s Sunday. They had 10 possessions. That was very frustrating. Graham just about refused to stick the ball out across the first-down marker. Maybe he was worried about getting stripped, but another yard a few more times and the game would have never been close. 

4. Chris Carr, who replaced Patrick Robinson, is the worst defender on the team. He is beat downfield at least once a game. For a cornerback, he's just not good at covering receivers. 

5. On Pierre Thomas' screen pass TD at  the end of the half, there was only one fully successful block. That was by WR Kenny Stills. There were three offensive lineman out in front to block, but two of them only threw a defender slightly off balance. 

There wasn't really a real block there. Pierre just weaved through the defendes. And center Brian de la Puente just ran downfield ahead of Pierre and found nobody to block. That's not a knock. The play just worked so well that only a few defenders had a shot at Pierre. 

The screen play is back!

6. Even though it wasn't a blowout of the Bears, it sure felt like it. The Saints were in control the whole way, and it never felt like the Bears were threatening. It was closer to being a four-score spread than it was to becoming tied. 

7. My boy Bobby Meachem was about to catch his second TD of the season until he was interfered with by an evil Bears defender in the end zone. But that would have led to him finding a Saints fan in the crowd and tossing him a pink October football. 

Like so. 

PARTING SHOT

Kelly went to Jenna's birthday party and met a newish friend of Jenna's. I've never met this girl. Kelly tells me about their convo. 

"Yeah, I told her you were an asshole."

Me: Thanks?

Kelly: "And that you have Asspergers."

MORE LIKE BREAKING GOOD

I WAS LEFT FEELING BLUE

Last Sunday night was a significant night in my life. It was the Breaking Bad finale. 

There have been other big finales. But only a few that had me itching for weeks for it to happen: Friends, Lost, 24, Desperate Housewives. That's the list. 

I've been preaching this show more than I've ever preached a show before. Plus, every episode of the last season was epic and only fueled my appetite. Friends and Lost had their worst seasons in the last one. So this felt even bigger. 

Tina and I hosted a party at my house. She barbecued a shit load of chicken and ribs with some corn on a cob. Kelly made some chicken fajita concoction. Tina also made cupcakes, bacon and bought this cake. 

Felina was the name of the finale. We ate, we drank (Dave brought Knob Creek, the favorite drink of Hank) and we discussed what crazy shit could go down in the finale. 

Then the episode happened. And I ... didn't like it. Nothing Bad happened. Walter made a plan to make things right before he died, and his plan worked. That's it. 

Sure, there were nice moments -- Walter saying goodbye to Holly, Jesse choking the life out of Todd and Walter dying surrounded by his chemistry set. But overall, it didn't do it for me. 

The consensus seems to be really positive on the finale. I didn't mean to end up on the opposite side of the majority. Lots of people didn't like the Lost finale. I loved it. It happens. 

Maybe in time the finale will grow on me, but it was just too neat. Maybe my expectations were too high, but there was just no twist at all. It was predictable. Yes, the climax was actually in the ante penultimate episode, but still. There should have been more. 

So Breaking Bad didn't jump up any more spots on my all-time list. I'm going to let it digest and decide if it drops from fourth and if so, how many spots. 

In the meantime, my TV feels oh so empty. The only shows I'm big right now are Sunny, Parks and Rec, The Middle and Parenthood. 

Another compliant: I really wanted Walter to use chemistry in the finale to outwit his foes. He used machinery but not chemistry. 

He should have killed the Nazis with barium and bromine. Or scalped them like Brad Pitt. Either way. 

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom loved the finale. 

At the party before it aired, mom was wondering how many people would watch. "MASH was the record. You see how many people watched that fucking finale?"

About the anticipation for the finale: "Everyone is wondering what the fuck's gonna happen."

After a few days to think about the finale, mom thought the ending song fit. "Baby Blue is a perfect fucking song. He missed the fucking chemistry. I'm rewatching it, and I said this is fucking weird. I didn't cry during the show, and now three days later, I am."

She continued: "Sorry you didn't like the ending, but that song was fucking perfect."

SEVEN SAINTLY SIGHTINGS

1. I went to the Dolphins game on Monday night using Brick's tickets. It was like watching your adopted child and your birth child go against each other. I cheered for my birth child. 

2. I almost called child's services on the way to my seat. 

Can't we get this poor child a better jersey than the most hated man on the team? Terrible parenting. 

Question: Ingram and Harper are the two most hated Saints players. Who is third?

3. In the offseason, Jimmy Graham said he was going to "pitch a tent in Drew's backyard." Looks like they had some good nights bonding in Drew's backyard because they are hooking up so well this season. One or both would get second place votes right now for MVP. 

4. I was able to observe the whole game better in person. Brees missed some opponent receivers because his first read was on the other side of the field, and the pocket collapsed before he could get through his progressions. Something to keep an eye on in closer games. 

And other times he skipped the first open receiver. On a third down in the first half, Colston slanted from the slot and broke open over the middle of the field. 

Brees was looking that way, but threw to a slanting Stills from the outside. Stills was covered, and the pass was broken up, forcing a punt. Bad, Drew. 

5. The killer instinct has been there the past two weeks, which is the reason for the blowouts. The Saints are 6 of 12 in killer instinct percentage the past two games after starting the season 0 for 11. 

6.  Paul left our seats at halftime and got lost trying to get back. 

7. And didn't they change the name of the other pro sports team here. Sure doesn't look like it.