BRIDGET'S WEDDING
Nicole's best friend -- cue Kelly's angry face -- I mean one of Nicole's best friends, Bridget, got hitched Feb. 28. And it was a good time. The following is a summary of the events of the day. Just the facts.
I was watching basketball in the early afternoon when I got a phone call saying they needed me at work. I said I could give them an hour before I left for the wedding, and I hopped in my car and headed down there.
After a standing ovation from my coworkers and the quickest of tutorials on the duties for that night, I was back out the door.
An hour later, Bert, Kelly and I arrived in LaPlace for the wedding of the year. Sure, it can be topped, but so far, wedding of the year.
Bridget made a lovely bride with a dress that suited her just right, but I couldn't take my eyes off this one particular bridesmaid. I've hit on bridesmaids unsuccessfully before, but this one I wasn't gonna let get away. Hehe.
The priest gave a riveting sermon to John and Bridget about using the building materials for a good relationship. The three of us decided the way they introduce couples when the marriage is made is a bit old-timely, and we ain't doing it.
Why isn't the women's name used? Mr. and Ms. Boys first name Boys last name. What year is this? Fact is, it's 2015. And we need to start saying "Ladies and gentleman, let's hear it for John and Jane Doe." (Or if the girl is keeping her name, then say both their full names. And I was called sexist for my college columns in the Maroon.)
See Kelly gets it. Check out how she signed the guest book.
This was my first visit to Chateau for a wedding reception since Paul's wedding last March, the week before we learned about the cancer.
Chateau is 2 for 2 in excellent weddings. I've enjoyed the food there more than other weddings I've attended. (In Forrest Gump voice): I must have had me about 15 catfish strips.
The roast was awesome, too. And the roast guy was the only black person in the building. I wonder if he just kept thinking to himself all night: white people. Am I right, Joe?
I wore a suit for the first time in forever. Nicole bought it earlier in the week, and many said I looked good in it. Yeah, no kidding. But I still didn't like wearing it.
And for the record, I counted 12 dudes not wearing a suit at the wedding. So there.
John and Bridget really seemed to have a good time, dancing the night away. John did a moonwalk at one point.
I caught the garter belt. Well, actually I dropped it and picked it up off the floor. So I guess ... Kelly, on the other hand, threw all her effort into making the catch but could only get a fingertip on it. So I guess ...
With about 20 minutes left in the reception, I was taking a break from dancing when a familiar first chord hit. Bridget didn't know about my penchant for worming, so before I got going, there was a quick approval process.
The wedding photographer actually laid on the ground and took a series of photos, so the official shots should be gnarley. That was my ninth dancing performance to that song at a wedding. What a journey it's been. Gotta do it big for the 10th one.
Also of note is Bridget's napkins had the wrong date. I noticed, and Nicole disposed of them in a raging fire -- just kidding -- before the bride could see.
THE TINA CURSING CORNER
My mom has a new attitude. "I'm dying. I don't give a fuck."
When I encouraged her to take some nasty-tasting medicine, she said: "I'd like to see you drink this shit."
My uncle once had a surprise birthday party, mom recalled last week. "He had no fucking idea. Had jeans on with holes and shit."
Mom doesn't like the way I've been keeping up with the cleaning of the house. "When I'm dead, you can burn this morherfucker down. But while I'm here, you need to keep up my house. After I'm gone, do whatever the fuck you want."
On a less-funny note, I've taken mom to lunch a few times in the last few weeks, the first time she got out the house on her own since September.
Barbecue shrimp. Yum.
A COUNTRY SONG
Nicole loves the country music, but since it all sounds the same to me, I tried my hand at writing a country chorus.
Enjoy.
I got my pickup truck and a beer in my hand
But I ain't got no girl it was a one night stand
Took her out for pizza and an ice cream cone
But she robbed me blind now I need a
loan
And Ill keep on going til my days are done
Maybe I'll call up the boys and well have some fun
Nicole and I finished a 1,000 piece puzzle after five long sessions. It was complicated.
