THREE FUN NIGHTS

SOVIET STREET WALKERS

Last Tuesday, I assembled a trivia team to compete at the Mid-City Bulldog. Our team was named after a recent Rock insult. 

At the halfway point, we were tied for second place and before the final question, we were in second. 

We got the bonus to surge to a victory and a $50 gift card. It was a real team effort. And we gave a 100 percent. 

We agreed to cash in the gift card later, but after a few people left, Joe, Bob and I split a $15 pitcher. Sorry, Bert. 

SHE SAID SHE ATE CORN DOGS

Nicole and I went to the Katy Perry concert last Wednsday night. Suffice to say, I loved it. 

I was surprised by how many young girl fans she has. I get that she wears bright colors, but the lyrics are not little girl appropriate. Here's a picture we took from our seats. 

As for the rest of my experience, I thought I'd tell you about it with a song, parodying Last Friday Night, which, of course, is not little girl appropriate. It is my second or third favorite Katy Perry song. 

Last Wednesday Night

There's little girls in the seats

There's crazy traffic in the streets

Balloons all over the rena

Pink light sticks, cleopatra

I feel like a girlie man

Max was her biggest fan

A selfie taken in the pit

Did Max just touch her tit?

A picture of last week

Ended up online

I'm screwed

Oh well

I'll get poked fun at

But I love that kitty cat

Damn

Last Wednesday night 

Yeah we danced in the crowd

And we screamed a bit too loud

Think we roared but I forgot

Last Wednesday night

Yeah we saw the fireworks

And dancers and their twerks

So we lived our teenage dream

Last Wednesday night

She was walking on thin air

Wore a dress that made me stare

Then had a birthday sex song

Last Wednesday night

Yeah I think I saw a horse

Wish she didn't ever stop-op

ooh-ohh

This Wednesday night
Listen all again 
This Wednesday night
Listen all again

Trying to recall the stage

The long wait caused some rage

Think her jokes hit the spot

One about kale and then pot

Wardrobe changes were fun

After Cali girls she wasn't done

Think she played on a guitar

I was watching from afar

Repeat chorus

PAUL'S NERDIE ASS TURNS 30

Paul's 30th birthday was last Saturday, and he had a dress as your favorite hero/villain party at his house. 

I told him that like any other Saturday night, I would be working. But through a little luck, I was off and surprised him, as Indiana Jones. 

The costume was complete with Indiana Jones shirt, man purse, hat and whip. I spent too much on it, but oh well. Kelly and Nicole went as Batman and Robin. 

AND THEN THERE WAS ONE

YOU CAN BARBECUE 'EM ...

My mother had another good day Wednesday. Thursday was a disaster, but let's focus on the good day. 

Last week, she gave a list of three things she wanted before she died. I already got her the chocolate, and Wednesday I took her to Deanie's for barbecue shrimp. Just the filet to go. 

She got the barbecue plate. She ate the whole salad, the whole bread and all 12 shrimp. Then she said "How about dessert?"

We got the gold brick. It had three gold bricks filled with ice cream with a brownie underneath. Yum. 

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

Mom isn't sure what to do with herself a lot of the time these days. "What am I gonna do? I'm fucking dying."

Most of her conversation is dominated by pain. "I can feel the tumors crawling on my fucking neck." At first she called the moving tumors creepy crawlers. The other day she changed the name to "fuckers."

Mom thinks God is out to get her. "He's gonna make me feel every fucking pain. He wants me to feel every little fucking thing."

On the drive to Deanie's, she discussed her medical bills. "Fucking insurance companies. They don't give a fuck."

We passed a jewelry store. 

Me: Look, he went to Jared. 

Mom: And he got fucked. 

From Friday: 

On the weather: "It's so fucking hot."

On elections: "They got their fucking posters all over the place."

On not finding her favorite ice cream at several stores: "I'm tired of this bullshit."

SOME THOUGHTS

I would like to take this space to thank everyone who has helped or offered encouragement during this time. Your support means a lot. 

I wish I would have known about Death with Dignity before this week, like six months ago. I also wish mom hadn't read about it yesterday. 

I have tried to put mom's key into my front door and vice versa about 10 times in the past three weeks. 

On an unrelated note, read the lyrics to Katy Perry's "Last Friday Night" and think about the current sex scandal. Eerie. 

I'VE BEEN STAYING WITH HER

IT WAS A GOOD DAY

On Thursday, mom felt better than she has in the past four weeks. It was short-lived as Friday was not such a good day. 

But Thursday she felt good. We even left the house. She wanted eggs and bacon, so off we went to Waffle House, where she got that plus hash browns and a pecan waffle. 

Mom said she wants to eat three more things before she goes: rocky road from the chocolate factory in Clearview Mall, barbecue shrimp and filet mignon. 

We stopped at Clearview on Thursday to knock out the first one before heading to a hospice house to take a tour. An eventful day for her all in all. 

I was glad to see her moving a little bit and get out the house. Might have been the last time for that. 

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

Along with her feeling better and getting out and about, my mom's famous mouth was on fire Thursday. Enjoy. 

Mom got a new credit card bill for $5.13 even though she payed the previous bill in full. "Fucking credits cards. I wasn't even gonna pay the fucking thing last month."

Mom was pondering her situation. "How does God decide who gets cancer? The lady across the street when I was a kid smoked Camel cigarettes non filtered and drank Dixie beer every day of her fucking life. She lived to her 80s."

She kept going. 

"Or Keith Richards. He did every fucking drug on earth. Gets to see his fucking great grand kids."

New apartments are going up on Hickory. "This is a fucking mess." Then to the guy directing traffic. "Get the fuck out of here."

An 18-wheeler almost hits me switching lanes as I hit the horn several times. "Fucking truck drivers."

CHECK THIS SHIT OUT

As you may know, I went to a Saints road game in October 2010 and caught a ball that Robert Meachem tossed to me after he scored a touchdown. 

Lopes' girlfriend said she could get it signed, and I gave it to her. She didn't get it signed and didn't give the ball back to me until October 2011. 

I was so happy to have my ball back I didn't let it leave my house for the next few years. But October 2014 came, which is four years later. And ... 

Nicole found out through the Twitter that Meachem does signings just about every week. He was at Fox and Hound this week, and Nicole got there early to be first in line. So without her, it would still be sitting on my couch unsigned. 

Of course, the pen he used at first didn't work fully. He had to get a second pen and go over the few marks the first pen made before finishing his signature. 

Also, he wasn't as excited as you would hope he would be about the ball. 

Me: You caught this ball for a long touchdown at Tampa four years ago.  

Meachem: I did that?

Me: Yeah. I've been waiting four years to get you to sign it. 

Meachem: OK. 

I'M NOT TOO BRIGHT

I was signing up for 5 percent back on credit card purchases at Best Buy for the next three months. 

I typed in my card number and was listening to the system explain the restrictions, which are so obvious. 

Me: No shit. 

System: You have chosen not to accept 5 percent back. Thank you for your call. 

Me: Operator just said I declined the offer. 

Mom: Yeah, cuz you said no shit. 

Me: Oh.