MADE IT BY THAT MUCH 

We had our 33rd Yat-Together (and the 19th month in a row) on Tuesday, but it almost didn't happen. The first few dates we tried in June were a no geaux. One in the middle of the month couldn't be attended by enough, and one last week was canceled due to LSU playing for a national title. 

I thought the 18-month streak was over until I got my schedule for this week and saw that I was off on the final day of June. Wouldn't you know it, enough people (Kelli, Stephen, Amanda, Bode and Kevin) were free, and we snuck in the June meeting by the hair of our chinny chin chins. 

Mahony's Po-Boy shop is just before Louisiana and not a few blocks past as I thought when I drove by the place and was lost for 10 minutes. It has an at-home feel, especially with the little, black gate in front and the porch. 

We had two orders of onion rings. Those things were addicting. I had the shrimp po-boy, and the shrimp were huge and golden brown. It's well worth the visit, and we chalked up another successful meeting. 

There was a sign in front of the building (they picked it up before I could take a picture of it) that said they were going to start closing at 10 p.m. instead of 8 p.m. beginning July 1. Then underneath that, it said the policy will be on Thursdays through Saturdays. Well, this Thursday is July 2. So, the new hours don't start July 1. These are the things I notice. 

At 8:15, we left and headed for some dessert at Sucre in the heart of Magazine's ice cream section. I had two scoops of the triple chocolate. Rich.  

As we were planning July's meeting, we realized the best week to do it was the week I'm going on vacation. WTF, mate. So, I'm missing next month's dinner. Breaks my heart. I feel sad already.

Boy, did those guys rub it in after that with their jokes about sending messages about the set-up and while they're actually eating. They couldn't have been more excited that I was missing one of these things. Assholes. Yeah, I said it. ASSHOLES! 

I'll show them, though. How? By having the place they're going to condemned the day before. 

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom opens the paper and discovers Bernie Madoff for the first time. "He got 150 fucking years." 

Mom had a thought on another trial: Bill Jefferson's. "I wish they would get this fucking shit over with." (Amen.)

Mom still can't get over the events of Monday's Young & the Restless. "He fucked a man just to stay out of trouble." 

Mom reads about gunplay in the paper. "You see the fucking shooting in front of the casino? Less than 24 hours from when you were there." 

Mom nearly got into an accident Tuesday morning. "Almost had my car totaled. Fucking asshole switched lanes at the same time as me. I was just able to move out of the way." 

Mom comes back home. "Fucking drenched." 

The toilet handle in my bathroom broke. Mom sees me trying to fix it. "What the fuck? Why does something have to break every day! Not once a week. Every fucking day. Every fucking day. ... Every fucking day. ... How does a handle break? I ain't never seen that. Motherfuck. What the fuck happened? Every day of my fucking life." 

We take it apart and get a new one. "Uncle Vince probably tightened the fuck out of it. Every day! Every fucking day. You're scratching the fuck out of the porcelain."

As we struggled to put on the new handle, mom referred to it on four separate occasions as "a piece of shit." 

PARTING SHOTS

Stephen was on fire at Tuesday's dinner. 

Someone: That's good. She's a dancer. 

Stephen: Yeah. Flexible. 

Then later. 

Me: Yeah, she was drunk and vulnerable. 

Stephen: Nice. Bases loaded. 

THE DAILY TOP LIST

My favorite five moments of June. 

5) My last No. 1. June 11. 

Man, do I miss me some chicken fingers and fries at work. 

4) Fleetwood Mac concert. June 20. 

They were selling shirts for $40.

3) Matt's farewell. June 19. 

And Baton Rouge hasn't been the same since. 

2) Extreme Rules PPV. June 7.

The dude in the front row was saying some awful things with a 5-year-old right behind him. 

1) LSU wins sixth national baseball title. June 24. 

With my headline: SIX FLAGS. All that's left is to frame it. 

CASINO ROYALE

I've got a confession to make. I broke a New Year's Resolution late Monday night by going to Harrah's for the third time in the month of June. My resolution was to only gamble twice a month. 

Hey, I made it almost half the year. Plus, I had a winning poker night and jotted down some real gems. Take a look. 

1) After a hand, the player next to me taps me on the shoulder. 

Player (dead serious): How many decks do they use at a time here?

Me: Uh, one. 

Player: Cuz I just had the five of spades in my hand, and there was a five of spades on the board. 

Me: No. The one on the board was of clubs. 

Player: No man. I'm telling you. They playing with two decks. 

2) The dealer Cookie gives me a warning. 

Cookie: Look. You better stop playing footsie with me. Yeah, that's my foot. Because I ain't giving you no good cards for doing that. 

Me (flirtingly): That's what you say now. Give it some time. 

3) I overhear a convo between the two players next to me. 

Player 1: That's just like Doyle Brunson. Say, do you remember Doyle Brunson? 

Player 2: Uh, yeah. 

(For those of you not in the know, that would be like going to a baseball game, tapping the shoulder in front of you and asking: "Say, do you remember Hank Aaron?")

4) I would like to apologize for this next one in advance. I did not say my comment out loud but kept it to myself. 

Cookie (after messing up a deal): Oops. Sorry. This is not happening. 

Me: Just like that Michael Jackson comeback tour. 

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

I ask my mom to read something. "I can't see shit."

Mom is watching the Young & the Restless. "Oh my god. They're fucking. Oh my god. He just fucked a man. Yup. He just fucked a man."

DID YOU KNOW? THE MICHAEL JACKSON EDITION

Did you know that Michael Jackson died? Did you know he was the King of Pop? Did you know he was 50? Did you know he had controversy with sexual allegations? Did you know that he did Thriller? Thriller!

PARTING SHOTS
I go downstairs to order a velox of the front page of LSU's baseball title.

Clerk: We don't have them yet.
Me: What? We need to get on the ball.
Clerk: Yeah. Like LSU was.
(I got one later in the shift.)

Mary makes a designer mistake.

Liam: Mary, don't let Gene rub off on you.
Jelly: That's what she said.

THE DAILY TOP LIST
My favorite five technology advancements in my time.

5) Digital camera.
I don't miss having to wait for pictures to develop.

4) GPS.
Betsy has saved me from getting lost many times.

3) DVR.
Pausing live TV has changed my life.

2) Laptop computer.
So convenient to have your computer move with you.

1) iPod.
If only my battery didn't suck.

DAMN YOU AND YOUR SKILZ, BRASIL

The land of the free and the home of the brave almost pulled it off. The loss put me in a bad mood for the rest of the day. Here are my thoughts from Sunday's USA-Brazil title match. 

1) Donovan's goal that put the U.S. up 2-0 reminded me of something from my past. I've been involved in a play almost exactly like that. It was my senior year against Jesuit at Tad Gormley. 

The score was 1-1, and I made a run just like Donovan. Except that after I received the ball back and made a move to beat the last defender, my left-footed shot headed for the right corner of the goal clanged off the post. 

The ball even bounced back right into play, and another player on our team smashed it to the opposite corner. However, the goalie got a hand on it and deflected it out of bounds. We lost 2-1. I hate Jesuit. 

2) The constant horn noise was really fucking annoying. Those people need to be beaten. 

3) The first goal by Brazil didn't bother me. That was a good play. We were still in control. Actually, the tying and winning goals didn't bother me either because I was expecting them. 

The U.S. lost the game in the time between the first and second goals. The Brazilians took control in that timeframe, and I saw it all slip away from the Americans. Brazil got chance after chance after chance. We couldn't get possession and gave them too much space to operate. 

It was really just a matter of time before they put the other two in the back of the net. Though it did seem like we could have pushed it to overtime. 

4) The Brazil goalkeeper kissed the ball in the last five minutes of the game. Disgusting. Does he know where that ball has been? 

5) I'm not one to buy into this moral victory crap. Bullshit, they put in a great effort. They blew the game in the second half by letting Brazil grab control. Credit Brazil, sure. But also fault the Americans for not keeping their foot on the throat. 

When it was all said and done, the U.S. finished the tournament 2-3. Throw in a loss earlier in the month, and all we've really done recently is beat Spain. That was nice, but that lone thing doesn't all of a sudden put this team at elite status. 

That all said, I was glad to have that brief elation in the first half of being up 2-0 against Brazil. 

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

After Donovan scored his goal Sunday for a 2-0 lead, I let out a big roar. It was a moment of pure joy. Later, I found out it had an impact on my mom. "You think you fucking screamed loud enough earlier. Woke me up. I was sleeping in the pool."

Mom thinks I need to spend some time in the sun before our vacation. "You gonna be a sorry son of a bitch if you don't. You're gonna burn, and it's gonna hurt." 

MOVIE WEEK IN REVIEW

A look at the movies I saw for the first time in the past seven days. 

Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay. A bit ridiculous but entertaining. Enjoyed Neil Patrick Harris, especially when he said, "Jam out with your clam out." 

Marley & Me. A must for any dog-lover. Had me in tears at the end. Made me want to own a dog, then not own a dog and then maybe want to own a dog. Drawback: I thought maybe he loved the dog more than his kids. Kinda weird. 

Bride Wars. First 1/3 too girly. Middle 1/3 entertaining with the actual brides at war. Last 1/3 girly but OK until the end. Corniest ending ever to a movie. 

Away We Go. A bit slow but charming and funny. "I will love you even if (you're so fat) I can't find your vagina." Good stuff. 

PARTING SHOT

At the end of Away We Go, Bert has a complaint. 

Bert: I can't feel my hand. It's completely numb. 

Me: I hear that can make it better. 

Paul: Stranger. 

THE DAILY TOP LIST

My favorite five Michael Jackson songs. 

5) P.Y.T. 

I hope he didn't play this at the ranch. 

4) Billie Jean. 

The kid ain't mine neither. 

3) Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough. 

I won't. 

2) Black or White. 

He would know. 

1) Smooth Criminal. 

She ran into the bedroom.

She was struck down; it was her doom.

AN ODE TO JENNY McCARTHY

On the scoreboard page every day, we run the latest line (or the line for short) to appease the multitude of gambling addicts in the city. The problem is sometimes we don't receive the latest line until the next morning and can't run it in the paper.

The author of the latest line is J. McCarthy. After Liam and I realized that not having the line on time was happening consistently, we started calling the author Jenny McCarthy for fun. So every time it isn't there in time now, we surmise that she was out partying the night before and couldn't write it in time.

A few weeks ago, Liam requested a brief song about Jenny to the tune of Jenny. Here goes.

Jenny I didn't get your line (Jenny I got your number)
I need it for my page (I need to make you mine)
Jenny please update the line (Jenny don't change your number)
Spreads 6 to 7 or 3 or 9 (867-5309 - four times)

Jenny Jenny you went on a drinking spree (your the girl for me)
You don't know me, but you make me so angry (you make me so happy)
You were partying all night at the Palms in Vegas (I tried to call you before but I lost the nerve)
Your hangover made us miss our line, that's outrageous (I tried my imagination but I was disturbed)

Repeat chorus

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom and I are discussing the change of girlfriends for Hugh Hefner. "I don't know how he does it. But he keeps getting that young pussy."

Mom thinks it's hot right now. "It don't matter what time it is. It's fucking hot at 6:30 a.m."

We're reading the arrest reports in Saturday's paper. Marilyn Marie Stokes, 52, was arrested in Harahan and booked with possession of derivatives of coca leaves. "What the fuck is that?"

Mom can't get over Michael Jackson's success. "He sold 750 albums. That's a lot of fucking albums. Who else can say that?" (Uh, the Beatles and Elvis.)

PARTING SHOTS
I read from the police reports about a 53-year-old woman getting arrested for prostitution in Metairie.

Sandy: That's nasty.
D: She should have retired by now, huh?
Liam: As Pierce would say, 'She's got to eat.'

D has some praise for me.

D: Gene is outstanding.
Marcus: Like an overdue bill.

THE DAILY TOP LIST
The top five players on one of my teams that I didn't like at all, but eventually they grew on me.

5) Lance Moore. Saints.
One year he faircatches every punt and the next he's our leading receiver.

4) Luis Scola. Rockets.
Spent most of his first season as the clueless guy with funny hair on the bench and now he's our most consistent player with cool hair.

3) Ryan Dempster. Cubs.
Liam and I nicknamed him Dumpster he was so bad. Last year, he earned the right to start Game 1 of a playoff series. I'm ignoring his stats this season.

2) Ricky Williams. Dolphins.
Quit on us, and then five years later came back with an upbeat attitude and contributed.

1) Danny Green. Tar Heels.
Absolutely couldn't stand him when he was a freshman. Wanted him to permanently be on the bench and cringed when he took a shot. By this season, I wanted him taking plenty of shots and realized he was our best all-around player.

WHAT LIES IN THE SHADOW OF THE STATUE?

On Tuesday night, I finished a six-month project of watching every episode of Lost for the first time. I'm not sure where it goes on my top TV show list, but it's somewhere high. We'll have to let it settle in a little while longer before deciding.

After 100-plus episodes, however, it's time to do a Lost comparison to the folks in The Gene Pool World. What did one snowman say to the other? Probably something about getting to it.

MINKUS: Daniel Farraday. Minkus would be the only person I know who could pretend to understand all that craziness in Daniel's little book. I think Minkus could also send his brain back in time.

ME: Miles. We're both noted for our sarcastic wit that doesn't always go over well with others.

JAUBERT: Jack. The only two people I've ever come across who laugh at every question. Of course, Jaubert laughs at statements, too. Whatever.

GILLIE: Penny. Penny didn't give up hope of reuniting with Desmond while he disappeared on a boat for three years. Gillie has gone long stretches with Brian out on a boat somewhere.

BRIAN: Michael. I've watched them both build ships of sorts. Granted, Brian's was of the pirate variety. I'm also sure Brian would fearlessly run into the unknown jungle for a worthy cause.

TINA: Ana Lucia. Me: Ma, which Lost character do you relate to?
Tina: Ana Lucia. She's a badass.

BRICK: Ben. Ben took out an entire colony to become leader. Brick is all about revolution. They both know how to use your words against you. Though, Brick could kick Ben's ass.

LISA: Juliet. If there's two people who could survive a nuclear bomb explosion inside a well, it's Lisa and Juliet. Disaster has been known to follow them around.

PAUL: Locke. Locke thinks he has some weird connection to the island and slavely presses a button for it. Paul loved the idea of the button and thinks he has some connection with the universe that lets him know its mysteries.

DICK CLARK: Richard. Both never age. Sorry, I couldn't help myself.

JACOB: Jacob. They have the same name and similar facial hair. They also got that fire.

LOPES: Mr. Eko. Mr. Eko was a priest and built a church to help give Charlie a lesson about redemption. Lopes is about to be a religion teacher. He will not be supplying his students with heroin, however.

AMANDA: Kate. Both have gotten away with murder. Oh, wait. I wasn't supposed to ever talk about that night again. Don't worry, Freckles. Cops don't read this.

ALLEN: Sayid. Sayid fought in the Gulf War. Allen has been to Iraq on two occasions. So what if they were on opposite sides. They both have racked up a few kills as well.

JENNA-LITTLE JOE: Sun. Jin. I would like to think that Jenna and Joe's love would also last if they suddenly realized they were 30 years apart due to time travel.

BERT: Hurley. Mellow. Dudes. Friendly. Curly hair. Like to eat.

KELLY: Libby. Libby is a psychiatrist, and Kelly deals with special-ed kids. Sure, it's a stretch, but this one happened by default as a result of their instant attraction to Bert/Hurley.

CHUCK: Desmond. Desmond used to live in a hatch and press a button every 108 minutes. Chuck used to live in the Maroon office and did actual work every 108 minutes. Both have been known to try and drink away their problems.

GREG: Charlie. Charlie, who plays the guitar, is in a well-known rock band. Greg, last I heard, was trying to learn the guitar to impress the ladies. Now, if only we could get Greg to stop being a drug addict.

BOB: Sawyer. At first, they might give you a harsh nickname (Pillsbury to Hurley; Suck to Chuck), but before you know it, you're best friends.

BAKE: Bernard. Wise-old men. I think Bake would be jealous of Bernard's current set-up.

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom chimed in on the death of the King of Pop. "It's sad. Fucking heart attack at 50. How can somebody be such a genius and then lose it? He sold so many fucking records. Greatest selling album of all-time. And then gone."

Then, a few minutes later. "He sold 750 million fucking records. Not many people can say that."

Mom also had some things to say about that other death Thursday. "Sold a million copies of that poster. That's a lot of fucking copies. Every boy had that on his fucking wall. She lived with that fucking shit for three years."

I ask mom if she wants to hear some Michael jokes, but she think I mean Farrah jokes. "You can't make fun of that. She had fucking anal cancer."

Mom calls to order our seafood lunch from Bobby's. "Jesus. They ain't answering the fucking phone. (Hangs up.) Bullshit. Bull-fucking-shit." (They answered on the next call.)

Mom took note of a recent movie's success. "You see Transformers made over 60 fucking million Wednesday?"

Mom is still mad about me dropping the cake Tuesday. "There's cake on the counter. Jesus. I can't get rid of this fucking cake. It's everywhere."

THE GENE POOL DIP (I MEAN TIP) OF THE WEEK

If someone has sores on her face, looks like she's on something and acts completely crazy, she's probably a drug addict. Kelly learned this the hard way this week.

On the front page of Friday's paper, there's a story about a teacher from Kelly's school getting arrested for running a crystal meth lab. I call Kelly to find out if she knew the chick. Turns out, she was Kelly's assistant.

Me: Did you see this coming?
Kelly: I should have. I thought she was on pain pills or something. I didn't know she was on fucking crystal meth.

Tina's thought: How the fuck she pass a drug test?

PARTING SHOTS
Beth and Marcus are discussing the legacy of Michael Jackson.

Marcus: Gene's been to Neverland Ranch. He didn't do him nothing.
Beth: Yeah, he went. And look how he turned out.

I ask D if he's going to see the Three Stooges movie.

D: No. There's only one Three Stooges.
Marcus: Actually, there's three of them.

I think watching track and field events is boring.

Me: Who is your favorite pole vaulter of all-time?
Liam: Pippi Longstocking. That bitch could get up.

THE DAILY TOP LIST
The top eight reasons that Heroes and Lost are similar. I encourage you to watch the other one if you're only watching one.

8) Storytelling.
They both always end To Be Continued. And the end of the first scene (before the name of the show is shown) is a little bit of a cliffhanger. Most important is the use of flashbacks. Lost does it with every episode while Heroes uses full episodes to fill in the gaps.

7) All in the family.
It seems that somehow everyone ends up being related.

6) Abilities.
Some of the powers are the same. I won't tell you which ones.

5) Damsel in distress.
Both involve the main characters trying to save hot girls named Claire.

4) Equal seasons.
Lost Season 5 and Heroes Season 1 are ridiculously similar. Circular time travel. Attempts to change the future. Trying to blow stuff up to save the world.

3) Conversation pieces.
I could sit down with you and talk about either show for hours on end.

2) Wait for it.
If something confuses you, it almost always ends up being explained a few episodes or seasons later.

1) Characters.
At the heart of both of these mystical shows is a group of everyday characters who didn't ask to be in the situation they are put. The development of these characters is what really makes each show special.

I THINK I GET THE POINT

NBA Draft ramblings

1) I give the Hornets a B for the draft. One huge weakness last season was the bench. Well, they drafted two guys who upgrade the bench. Collinson is super quick and can't be worse than Mike James, Antonio Daniels and Money Brown. Right?

Thornton, I really like as a scorer for the second unit. He's streaky, but during his hot stretches, that's going to be a big lift. If they couldn't draft Hansbrough and didn't want Ellington, I can certainly live with a Tiger. There's still the issue of no big-man depth. 

2) After the Hornets were eliminated from the playoffs, my first thought of a draft pick for them was UNC guard Wayne Ellington. Sure, I'm biased. But the boy can shoot, score and run the floor. So, when he was sitting there at 21, I thought there was a chance. Oh well. 

3) The Hawks drafted Wake Forest point guard Jeff Teague. D: "Well, they missed the last Wake Forest point guard." Yeah, they were a few years late on that one. 

4) Portland selected some foreign dude I never heard of. The draft analyst on ESPN says they won't use him right away: "They'll put him on ice for a while." Damn.

5) As a whole, this draft blows. 

6) I was happy for Ty Lawson ending up with the Nuggets, who play like North Carolina. That's going to be a great fit. Except for the part where he doesn't have any neck tattoos. 

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

In the early evening Wednesday, my mom bangs on my door and tells me to hurry up and get outside. I did to find this creature sitting on our fence. 

We're no animal experts, especially mom. "What the fuck is that?" An hour later, it was still there. "What the fuck's it doing here?" It left at nightfall. 

Mom was quiet Thursday. This was our opening exchange and our last exchange.

Me: What's crackin' momma?

Mom: Not a fucking thing.

PARTING SHOTS: THE MICHAEL JACKSON EDITION

JRap is talking to his wife Marion on the phone.

Marion: So, Michael finally beat it?

We're about to go down for dinner.

JRap: How do you think Michael's death will impact the NBA draft?

D: There'll be more children there.

Brick anticipates a lot of Michael coverage in the weeks to come.

Brick: Nancy Grace is now the Michael Jackson beat reporter.

Liam: Good. Now, We don't have to hear about the bitch in Florida who killed her kid anymore.

THE DAILY TOP LIST

The top five men you could argue who I have an unhealthy liking of. Aka man crushes. Honorable mentions include Justin Timberlake and Carlos Zambrano. 

5) Lenny Kravitz. 

That's a beautiful man. 

4) Will Smith. 

Edges out Harrison Ford in the actor category because I have three of his albums.

3) Weird Al.

I have 108 songs by him on my iTunes.

2) Hulk Hogan. 

I once said that I'd rather hang out with him than his daughter. And I have a poster of him from the 80s in my second room. 

1) Tyler Hansbrough. 

Now that he's off to obscurity in Pacer land, this relationship is on the rocks. JK. 

THREE TIMES IS THE CHARM

I had an oil change appointment Wednesday morning. I also needed a new tire (egg) and windshield wiper blades. Sadly for you, it didn't go horribly wrong. It didn't go smoothly, but then again, you can't expect perfection. Look at what we got:

7:47 a.m.: As I'm leaving for Volkswagen, Tina stopped me and looked me in the eyes: "Don't let them fuck you." I was inspired and determined. 

8:11: I arrive for my 8 o'clock appointment. 

8:12: Lady Volkswagen (the one who fucked me last time) is my service person. Lady Volkswagen: "You'll have to allow we an hour and a half, two hours. (Trust me. I'm expecting longer.) Usually, it's less (bullshit), but with the heat the way it is, I don't push these guys."

8:13: It's really freakin' nice that she has no recollection of me. Awesome. It's generally a good policy to completely forget the unsatisfied customers. I made it clear to her that I was staying and was at no point leaving. I emphasized this. She still didn't recognize me. 

8:36: They pull my car around. 

8:45: There are 16 chairs scattered about in the waiting room. I'm the only one there when a dude joins the party. Where does he sit? Yup, in one of the two seats next to me. He couldn't sit in one of the other 13 chairs? Ugh. 

9:10: The battery on my portable DVD runs out. There goes that idea.  

9:29: Lady Volkswagen calls me over. Could it be done already? It was too good to be true. 

9:30: Lady Volkswagen informs me that I don't have the Road Hazard program that covers stuff that happens to tires. I had told her earlier that I did have it when she asked. Why not? She made a phone call to find out that I didn't. Oh well. 

9:31: Lady Volkswagen: You'll need to give me a little longer to see if we can replace it. 

Me: I paid to put it on last July 3. Now, it's messed up. (Then I gave her a head nod and a look.)

Lady Volkswagen: Well, I'll have to talk to the manager about that. 

10:06: Tina calls. She didn't like my Road Hazard story. Tina: "The tire is less than a year old. It has an egg it it!"  Thanks, ma. I didn't know that. 

10:07: Lady Volkswagen: "I was able to get approval. So, we're going to go ahead and replace the tire. Just give us a minute." 

10:21: The only way I would buy a product from Billy Mays is if it was one that mutes Billy Mays.

10:47: Told car is being washed. Pay for new wiper blades. Three of my four already-paid-for oil changes at VW have resulted in me paying $350 (and change) for other stuff. 

10:51: I drive off. Just over 2 1/2 hours. I'll take it. Plus, I started mastering a new card trick.

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom let more out about me dropping the cake Tuesday. "You want to clean this fucking mess? Jesus Christ. Fuck. You got this shit everywhere." 

Mom can't believe the recent heat. "Did you know it was in the fucking hundreds yesterday? Jesus fucking Christ. There's just no fucking rain." 

Mom sees dark clouds, but no rain comes of it. "All that bullshit and nothing." 

Mom is watching a soap opera. She thinks a character got what he deserved. "He fucked himself." 

CHAMP-ION-SHIP

Thoughts on LSU winning its sixth national baseball title. I didn't cry. ... Much. 

1) My teams have won six championships in the 2000s. All college. Two hoops. Two baseball. Two football. I watched three at work and three at home. 

2) My teams are now 11-0 in championship games. It seems that the Cubs just need to get to the World Series. Stop laughing. 

3) LSU is in first place in the race for school of the 2000s. Florida and LSU both have four titles, but the Tigers have more SEC championships. So there. 

4) Nice lineup changes by Mainieri. Definitely liked moving Gibbs down and MVP Mitchell up. Ochinko certainly came through. Mainieri was also perfect with his pitching changes. 

5) I was mad that the Tigers scored the last two runs. I had predicted either a 9-3 or 5-4 victory, and when it was 9-4, I was right on a combination. 

6) You could write a small book with ESPN's announcing mistakes Wednesday. Too many to remember. Here's one. At the start of the bottom of the sixth with LSU leading 9-4, Mike Patrick: "They (LSU) need about nine outs." About nine. 12. Same difference. 

PARTING SHOT

7) A little while after the game, I went to the convenient store around the corner for some water. A family of three (20-year-old daughter) runs the store. They are all there. 

Lady in front of me in line: Did ya'll here about the game?

Dad (working the counter): Uh, nope. 

Lady: They won! The Tigers won the national title!

Dad: Oh.

(Lady leaves the store.)

Dad (to family): What game was she talking about?

Wife: I have no idea. 

Daughter: I think that's why we sold all those pizzas earlier. I guess LSU is the Tigers? I don't know.  

Wife: Whatever. 

I waited until I got outside before letting out a big whistle.

THE DAILY TOP LIST

The top five popular TV shows that I gave a try and didn't like. 

5) Entourage. 

It can't all be about getting laid. 

4) Big Bang Theory. 

The nerds didn't make me laugh enough. The girl isn't hot enough. 

3) Sex and the City.

Meanwhile, one of my friends had sex with some random dude. We'll discuss it at lunch. 

2) Weeds. 

Too dark. 

1) Sopranos. 

Bunch of fat dudes sitting around yappin'. Yawn. 

LSU-TEXAS GAME 2 RUNNING DIARY

7:46: LSU feels bad for Texas and lets them get the leadoff guy at second on four straight balls and an error. Small ball gets him in. Texas 1-0.

7:56: Texas makes a lot of noise in the top of the first. They get one run. I'll take it.

7:59: Jungmann starts LeMahieu with Ball 7 and then Ball 8. Somehow that only equaled one walk.

8:00: LeMahieu, future Cubs second baseman, grounds out to third. That's a good omen. He started the game that way last night.

8:03: They've had some winning signs by LSU fans in the championship games. DEAN'S QUEENS. ... HIT THE HELENIHI OUT OF IT. ... THROW IT TO MIKIE. HE'LL HIT ANYTHING. ...

8:08: I've seen the home plate umpire appeal down to first to see if a batter checked his swing about 65 times in the CWS. I have not seen one of them single for a strike.

8:09: They show Les Miles in the crowd. Brick: That's a damn fine fan. JRap: He looks funny without his hat.

8:10: Another solo homer for Texas. At least that was that dude's third of the season. Texas 2-0.

8:26: An error on Texas' shortstop gives LSU a run. Thank you very much. Landry's speed kept the inning alive with an infield single. Good move by Mainieri putting him in.

8:32: New pitcher. Talk about a quick hook.

8:34: Last night's Most Outstanding Player Russell Moldenbitch (they declared him that before the ninth inning) hits another solo homer.

8:40: Texas 4-1, and we go to our third pitcher. Oh boy.

8:55: LeMahieu's leadoff triple is wasted. Disgusting.

9:12: Liam's favorite time, and Texas turns a double play to end the fourth at 5-1. We've only put two good swings on this guy. Jelly just guaranteed victory.

9:16: Maybe Cain should have started the third instead of Byrd.

9:25: We all just had a piece of cake. We called it Rally Cake. It didn't work in the fifth.

9:43: Cain throws up his third consecutive goose eggs. Time for a crooked number for the Tigers.

9:51: The Tigers have gotten a leadoff runner on third, second and first since being down 5-1. They didn't score once. They just waiting for the big inning. Need to get to the bullpen, though.

10:22: If you would have told me at the start of the game that Texas was going to score five runs, I would have said, 'That ain't nutin. We got that.' Uh.

10:28: Shortstop makes his second error of game. He's been our best player tonight.

10:51: That play at first with Mitchell was some close. Ended a patented LSU comeback.

10:54: Lose 5-1. Jungmann was terrific. But I bet the guy tomorrow can't do that shit. Ranaudo Roboto for seven, Coleman for the eighth, Ott for the ninth. Championship. Don't even need to write about it. We'll win 9-3 or 5-4. I also ain't proofreading this crap.

11:32: Look out for my headline on the front page of sports in Wednesday's section. It's getting rave reviews so far. Hopefully, my other headline appears at my doorstep in Thursday's paper.

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

I decided to bring the rest of the Father's Day chocolate cake into work to celebrate the national championship. (Oops.) I drop it near our front door as I'm leaving. My mom was pissed. "You stupid ass! You can't hold on to nothing."

I tell my mom that I scheduled a car appointment for Wednesday morning to get my tire fixed.
Mom: They fucked you last time on that tire.
Me: It was more than once that they fucked me.
Mom: I'm talking about the fucking tire, and they had to drive the fucking car here after the oil cap mess-up.

WEEKEND MUSIC WRAPUP
I had a fun-filled weekend. Here's some stuff I left out of the postings.

At the bar Friday night, I counted the members of our group and got Bert, Matt and Paul to join me in song. "We're the 10 best friends that anyone could have. We're the 10 best friends that anyone could have." The girls didn't seem excited about our Hangover reference.

At the Fleetwood Mac concert Saturday, I looked around in the middle of the concert to discover not everyone was having a grand time.

On the other side of the aisle, pops here was sound asleep. I think he was along for the ride with his wife. He did wake up for the final three songs.

PARTING SHOTS
Jelly shows her feminine side about the LSU-Texas matchup Wednesday.

Jelly: (LSU Coach Paul) Mainieri is such a good guy. He deserves it. Doesn't that count for something?

Brick notices that the Rally Cake failed. Maybe because I dropped it earlier.

Brick: The magic is on Gene's carpet at home.

THE DAILY TOP LIST
My favorite five rock songs from 1997 to 2005.

5) Adam's Song. Blink 182.
I traced the chord back to the wall
No wonder it was never plugged in at all

4) Original Prankster. Offspring.
I bought the CD for a girl. Stopped talking to her. Gave it a listen. The rest is history.

3) Otherside. Chilli Peppers.
Put this on in the Rummel library once.

2) Kryptonite. 3 Doors Down.
You stumbled in and bumped your head,
if not for me, then you'd be dead

1) In the End. Linkin Park.
It doesn't even matter why.

FATHER'S DAY

On Sunday, Tina grilled country style ribs and more important, two sirloins for my dad and me. We started off with some Cesar salad and had garlic bread with our steaks. Yummy.

I had been looking forward to this since I convinced Tina to hook this up about two weeks ago. She didn't disappoint. Did I mention that we had chocolate cake, too?

As we were finishing up lunch, Tina said: "You have yet to wish your father a Happy Father's Day."
Me: That doesn't really need to be said does it?
Tina: Bullshit!

Among our topics for the rest of the afternoon were Panama City, LSU-Texas, the 1978 Rummel basketball team and Fleetwood Mac.

I had the rest of the steak for dinner. So for three full meals, the steak cost about $22. I'll never order it from a restaurant again.

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

We noticed that my front passenger tire has a small problem. My mom demands I get it fixed immediately. "That tire is almost a year old."
Me: I'm right on top of that, Rose.
Tina: You have a fucking egg in your tire!

Mom feels the need to criticize my driving from Saturday night. "You switched three fucking lanes at once. That's illegal." (Is it really?)

The Covington jail escapee that mom was waiting to climb her fence the other day was in the paper again. "They caught the motherfucker."

DID YOU KNOW?

Did you know that Iran had elections last week and Twitter was useful for democracy? Did you know that Sammy Sosa cheated? Even before the reports last week? Did you know that the new Transformers movie comes out this week? Did you know that Jon and Kate are divorcing?

PARTING SHOTS
The Hornets need to improve their depth in the frontcourt.

Marcus: We need a backup center who can shoot. How bout Jayson Williams? He has good aim.

There was a problem with the baseballs in Monday's CWS matchup.

Mike Patrick: "The balls in the umpire's sack are wet."

An LSU player ducks from a ball near his face in the ninth inning.

Marcus: Let that smack you in the face.
Lopes: That's what Ted said.

THE DAILY TOP LIST
The top five rhyming slogans for this segment.

5) If you need an assist,
read the Daily Top List.

4) The Daily Top List
gets straight to the gist.

3) Unclench your fist,
read the Daily Top List.

2) I exist for the Daily Top List.

1) Don't slit your wrist,
absorb the Daily Top List.

DON'T STOP THINKING ABOUT THE CHAIN

Tina and I went to the Fleetwood Mac concert Saturday night at the New Orleans Arena. She bought a tye-dye tank top earlier in the day in an effort to go back in time.

The first half of the concert was awesome. Then, it really tailed off in the second half until the final two songs. I'll say this for the show: It was the loudest I've ever heard a crowd at a concert. The biggest ovations came for Rhiannon, Landslide and Go Your Own Way. They finished with Don't Stop, which is my favorite.

The guy standing in the middle is wearing a Fleetwood Mac T-shirt. Isn't there some type of law about sporting a T-shirt of the band you're going to see?

Of all the shots I took of the stage, this one came out the best. I think my camera sucks.

Tina thought I would be the youngest person at the concert. These two chicks begged to differ. At least they didn't spend the whole concert taking pictures of each other for facebook. They did, however, show up during the second song and disappear for five songs in the second half.

Tina got mad at them for coming and going. She even yelled, "Did you little girls pay for those seats?" Luckily, they didn't hear her.

Notes from the concert

1) I accidentally deleted the best picture I took while writing the entry. I'll post it later in the week.

2) In the parking lot, I tried to feed the machine my debit card to pay for parking. It wasn't taking it for about three minutes. I then realized I was putting the card in the cash slot.

3) Stevie Nicks wrote a song after Katrina about coming back to New Orleans. She waited until Saturday to play it. This is what I remember: "I want to go back to New Orleans, ... I want to throw some beads ... I want to walk down Bourbon Street." Good stuff.

4) The lady behind us dressed like Nicks and yelled "Thank you!" after every song. I tell Tina to check out the look-alike. Tina: "Yeah. It ain't working for her."

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom didn't feel well right before we left for the Fleetwood Mac concert. "I have a fucking stomach ache. This shit happened on the wrong fucking day. Fuck."

A few minutes later. "Why does this have to happen? Fucking stomach is killing me." (She felt better on the drive there.)

Mom gets in my hot car. "My hair is already fucking messed up. I'm fucking dripping."

On the way back to the car after the show, mom gives her opinion. "Lindsey is the only fucking one who stayed on the stage the whole time."

Mom freaks out when I'm driving. It's annoying. "I worry about you all the time on the fucking streets."

Mom talks about the news on the way home. "Six 16-year-olds got arrested for shooting up the place. They weren't invited to the birthday party. They found out on facebook. I told you that computer shit can get you into fucking trouble."

And then. "How about the assholes who escaped from Covington jail? I was sitting outside yesterday and was waiting for the motherfucker to come over my fucking fence."

MOVIE WEEK IN REVIEW
I will try to see more next week.

Broadcast News. What kind of romantic comedy ends without any of the three main characters getting together? Besides that, it wasn't funny, except for one journalism joke.

GEAUX TIGERS!!!

When LSU meets Texas this week in Omaha, there is so much more on the line than a national baseball title. Observe.

1) I'm seeking my sixth championship of the 2000s. All from the college ranks. These pro teams of mine need to get it together.

2) If one of my teams is in the championship, they always win. I haven't cheered for a second-place finisher. UNC basketball 3-0; Rockets 2-0; LSU baseball 3-0; LSU football 2-0. Let's keep that going, thank you very much.

3) The school of the 2000s is on the line. This series is HUGE!

National championships in the big three sports in the 2000s.
Florida: 4
LSU: 3
Texas: 3

The winner this week joins Florida at the top. But wait. There's more. I came up with a tiebreaker if Florida and LSU are tied at four titles. Since they are in the same conference, I counted their SEC titles in the big three sports.

They both have three in football. They both have three in basketball. In baseball, Florida has one; LSU has two. We win! To be fair, I then looked at tournament titles. LSU has three baseball ones, and Florida has three basketball ones. That is some close.

I dare ESPN to come up with information like this during its broadcast. I thought about alerting Mainieri and company, but I didn't want to add any more pressure.

Note: The upcoming 2009 football season also counts toward the team of the 2000s. So, LSU would just be in the lead by one conference championship with one season to go. Talk about adding drama to the SEC football season!

PARTING SHOT
I lean over to ask Tina a question during the concert Saturday night.

Me: Who is the guy in the red shirt singing and playing guitar?
Tina: That's Lindsey.
Me: Lindsey Buckingham is a guy?
Tina: Yeah. You didn't know that?
Me: Nope.

THE DAILY TOP LIST
The five loudest crowd noises I've been a part of at the New Orleans Arena.

5) Royal Rumble. January 2001.
When Stone Cold Steve Austin won the Royal Rumble, place went bonkers.

4) Hornets vs. Pacers. January 2009.
Chris Paul's buzzer beater in January against the Pacers was sweet.

3) Monday Night Raw. June 2008.
The reaction for John Cena is always loud. But that one was special.

2) Fleetwood Mac. June 2009.
The ovations after some of those songs and for their bow at the end left my ears ringing for a few hours.

1) Hornets vs. Spurs. May 2008.
In Game 7 last year when the Hornets were making their fourth-quarter come back, the place just got louder and louder the closer they got. I told Bert at one point that it was impossible for it to get any louder. Then, they cut the deficit to three points, and it did get louder.

MATT DEALS IN PESOS NOW

In the past week, I found out that two of my friends were leaving the country. On Friday night, we said goodbye to Matt, who is headed to the Philippines on Monday morning. Oh, the life of an engineer. 

We were determined to send Matt off in style in Baton Rouge. I believe we succeeded. Take a look. 

That's the sign of a fine establishment. Matt and I had the crawfish. Not bad. 

On the drive to the Red Stick, I tried to come up with a Daily Top List on the five people I wish I had kept in touch with but didn't. I only could think of two people. And wouldn't you know it, one of the two was sitting at the table next to us. 

At first, I wasn't sure it was Robbie, so I kind of stared at his table, which his lady friend eventually noticed. Turns out, it was Robbie, and the son of a bitch is getting married in three weeks. Life is crazy. Robbie and I became friends in about the third grade, and we lost contact sometime in 2005. 

Kelly ordered the crabs. This led to a running theme of jokes about giving each other crabs. 

After a rousing dinner, we met some of Matt's friends (five chicks) he has through engineering school at some place called Happy's Irish Pub in the downtown area. That's my effort at artsy. 

We entertained ourselves for about an hour trying to bounce the ping pong ball in an empty glass. We did this just for fun. Not as a drinking game. We sucked. 

At several points, the ping pong ball was lost under the table. No need to fear, I fetched it. One time, I pretended that the ball was out of my reach, and the game ended. In fact, I put the ball in my pocket. 

Ten minutes later, I slyly revealed to Ashlynn (holding ping pong ball) that I had it. She called me jerky. Somehow, this move didn't work for me. Neither did my two excellent puns. (One about Dots Diner and the other about Family Guy.) 

As we were leaving a little before 2 a.m., I asked Matt: "On a scale of 1 to 5 with 10 being the highest, what are my chances with Ashlynn?" Matt: "I'd go with a question mark." Which meant, as Jelly's kid Jack says: No way. 

Oh, yeah. There was plenty of drinking at this going-away shindig. There's Matt and his friend Lauren doing some type of shots. 

When Matt first introduced us to his other friends, one of them handed me the necessities for a car bomb and said: "Here, drink this." So I did. I also threw down two beers and two shots of Jaeger (everyone did one together except this one girl, so I took hers as well). 

Once we really lost the ping pong ball for good, we started throwing napkins at each other. I'm not sure how this started. It sort of got out of control. Then, we left, as you can see Kelly and Bert doing here. 

After bidding Matt a final farewell, the girls said they were going to Taco Bell. I took this to mean we should follow them there. Bert, Paul and Kelly did not agree, and we went back to Bert's apartment. 

Besides laying down in front of Bert's car, I tried vehemently to get them to go to Taco Bell all the way home so that I could ask Ashlynn out. Why else would they tell us where they were going? 

Keep in mind here that I was drunk and had no clue what I was yelling. When we arrived back, Bert's brother, Jacob, had just gotten home as well, and I convinced him to go to Taco Bell with me. I told him that since he answered yes, fate was on our side and that somehow they would still be there. 

All the stars aligned, but they were not there. I even got out of Jacob's car and walked by all the other cars in line to see. I guess I'm going to die alone. 

On the way home, this creature all of a sudden landed on Paul's windshield. Thought it was cool.

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

We had a problem at home early Saturday that my mom was not happy about. "The fucking air conditioner just stopped working." It was something with the connection we have to get fixed next week. "Could cost a fucking fortune." 

Mom got more upset later. "Everything's going wrong. First the air conditioner, and now my fucking thing isn't working." (I don't know what the thing was.)

Mom read in the paper about getting those traffic cameras in Harahan. "They want to put them in fucking Harahan. That ain't gonna work. The old people fighting it. It's all about fucking money." 

Mom doesn't think I'm responsible. "I don't know if you could ever have your own place. You'd come back, and the place would fucking be burned down."

On a neighbor: "The kid next door is going to be a junior. Time fucking flies, huh?"

On educators: "That's the nice thing about being a teacher. Fucking summers off." 

On the Guiding Light: "You think that since it's ending, it'd be heating up. It's fucking not." 

On her new T-Mobile bill: "They just add anything they fucking want to your bill." 

THE DAILY TOP LIST

The top five quotes from Friday night. 

5) Kelly and Bert are going on a cruise at the beginning of July. 

Me: You think they'll play "I'm on a Boat" on the cruise?

Kelly: I am! That's half the reason I got an iPhone. 

4) Paul and I observe the school girl outfits the waitresses are wearing at Happy's.

Paul: They don't fit the atmosphere. 

Me: Are you kidding? That fits in anywhere. 

Paul: That's what she said. 

3) Kelly and I stop at Smoothie King on the way to Baton Rouge. 

Me (leaving the car): What do you want? 

Kelly: Smoothie King!

Me: That's the name of the store, dear. 

2) Bert drives into downtown Baton Rouge. 

Me: I didn't know this existed. 

Paul: Never made it past the casino part? 

Me: Nope. 

1) Paul says that Kelly's outfit is a tad bit slutty. 

Kelly (pissed): Did you just say I look like a slut?

Matt: How is 'You look slutty' not a compliment?

I HAVE NOT BEEN ASKED TO MODEL

Last night, I googled my name to see what would come up. Besides my wikipedia page and accolades I've accumulated, a Web site appeared at the bottom of the first page of results that jumped out at me. It was gene.guillot.free.fr/

I'm not kidding. This is a real Internet page. I researched it thoroughly, but you should check it out for yourself. It's a site of a French sculptor. The sculptures are mostly nudes. This is my favorite. I call it fat naked man/woman with head turned backward.

I show Tina the name of the Web site and the French writing. Tina: What the fuck?!

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom got mad because her new hair color made her look like Bozo. She went back today to make the hairdresser transform the color to auburn red. 

Me (waking up): You already went?

Mom: If you can't tell the difference, you're fucking blind. 

Mom is struggling getting an earring in her ear. "Motherfucker! ... Come on, Tina. Just take the motherfucker out." 

Mom is pissed at me. Mom: You have yet to try on two things I bought for you.

Me: It's been an hour since I got up. 

Mom: I don't give a shit!

(I tried them on right after.)

Mom still is struggling with the earring. "Did I really do that? Yup. For crying out fucking loud. Motherfuck. You know you can't do that. Fuck. Motherfuck me!" 

Mom looks at our Fleetwood Mac tickets. She can't believe the service charge for two tickets. "Almost 21 fucking dollars." 

Mom and I discuss the mother who allowed her 3-year-old to ingest cocaine. "Didn't even give her baby its fucking medicine. Probably lost her fucking job and got with the wrong fucking man. I bet if she went to fucking Dominican it wouldn't be in there." 

Mom says the crack momma needs to go to a clinic. "They have a fucking clinic for everything but smoking." 

I'm watching the Tonight Show. Mom looks at Conan. "I bet he never has stepped foot in a fucking gym." 

THE GENE POOL DIP (I MEAN TIP) OF THE WEEK

If you send out an official memo or post a sign in your office, please make sure to proofread. Otherwise, you make mistakes like this one I saw at work Wednesday.

So, if I get to the conference room at 4:599, I can still get my health screening? Nice. Oh, wait. I'm not eligible for one of those. Right. 

CHAMPIONSHIP-ROUND BOUND 

-- Two gaffes by ESPN. At the beginning of the broadcast, an announcer says that LSU is the only undefeated team left in the CWS. Uh, Texas hasn't lost. During the rain delay, they had this across the ticker: You are watching Arkansas vs. LSU from Wednesday. In fact, it was Arkansas vs. Virginia. 

-- Love all the Green Day songs being played as ESPN goes to and returns from commercial during the CWS.

-- With all the talk about Ranaudo coming back strong from Gibbs, Mainieri and Ranaudo leading into Friday's game, there was no way he wouldn't have a good game. I think he found his good breaking ball at the zoo. Maybe he nabbed it from one of the tigers. 

-- Can we all agree to stop complaining about Blake Dean?

PARTING SHOT

Jelly went to Izzo's Wednesday night. She gives a proof back to Marcus. 

Marcus (to Jelly): You got some burrito juice on here. 

Me: That's what they call her on the street. 

THE DAILY TOP LIST

The top five players I didn't like on one of my favorite teams.

5) Christian Laettner. 

He looks so out of place on my Dream Team poster in my room. 

4) Jarrett Lee. 

LSU quarterback had the term pick-six renamed in his honor.

3) Kevin Orie.

Cubs third baseman ruined Kerry Wood's no-hitter. 

2) Terrell Buckley.  

Played for Saints and Dolphins. It's bad when your nickname is Tesucky. 

1) Devin "Money" Brown. 

Please, for the love of our bench, cut him.

SUCK ON THIS, LAKER FANS

Kobe Bryant, whom a reader called Mr. Shit on a front page he mailed back to us the other day, and his Los Angeles teammates might have won the NBA title, but I'm here to tell you they won't repeat.

My theory is based on a pattern I recently noticed. I didn't see this mentioned in the media.

2006 champions: Miami Heat. 2007 season: Dwayne Wade dislocated left shoulder.
2007 champions: San Antonio Spurs. 2008 season: Manu Ginobili left ankle sprain.
2008 champions: Boston Celtics. 2009 season: Kevin Garnett knee.
2009 champions: Los Angeles Lakers. 2010 season: Insert Kobe or Pau Gasol injury.

Note: The next season (2008) Wade missed the end with a left knee problem, and Ginobili missed the playoffs the next season (2009) with an ankle injury.

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My dad tells my mom that he ate a 32 oz. rib eye in Panama City last week. "That's fucking 2 pounds of meat."

Mom said the following three times Thursday: "It's so fucking hot out there."

Along those lines, mom comes home from a hair appointment. "Nothing like sweating your fucking ass off on the way home. Jesus Christ. Fucking dripping."

Mom thinks there has been a recent increase in lesbians. "Women getting tired of men's bullshit. More and more of 'em getting together."

SPORTS. HOW MAY I HELP YOU?
Here are some of the calls we've received in the past week.

1) Max answered the phone Friday night. Caller: "Can you tell me who won the Arkansas-Cal State game?"
Max: "The game is tomorrow."

2) On Saturday, Liam answered a call from a guy in Omaha, Neb., asking, "I'm here on my computer. I can't find the address to where LSU is playing. Is it near the airport?" Uh.

3) I got a question from a caller on Saturday night: "OK. Does anybody up there no anything about baseball?"
Me: I do.
Caller: Here's the situation. Men on second and third. Infield is drawn in. Batter hits the ball toward short, and the ball hits the guy running to third. Is that guy out?"
Me: Yes.
Caller: Are you sure?
Me: Yes. The runner is always out if the ball hits him after it comes off the bat.

4) After the shift Monday, the phone rings at 12:10 a.m. I answer it.
Caller: Yeah. I'm here in Detroit. Can you give me Michael Bourn's stats from this year?
Me: Uh, the guy who plays for the Astros?
Caller: Yeah, I need all his stats from this season.
(I didn't ask who he was or why he needed the info so as to avoid further conversation. I just read him the stats and hung up.)

The phone also rang at 1:55 a.m. I didn't answer that one.

PARTING SHOT
AGG tells me I made the same small mistake yet again.

Me: What the hell is wrong with me?
Brick: Marcus has been asking that for a long time.

THE DAILY TOP LIST
My favorite five Genes.

5) Lieutenant Gene Hunt.
So, he's a fictitious character played by Harvey Keitel, and the show (Life on Mars) got canceled after one season. Whatever. Catchphrase: The nose knows.

4) Gene Atkins.
When I play as the Saints on Tecmo Super Bowl, I control him on defense. Plus, he also played for the Dolphins.

3) Gene Hackman.
Coached that little Indiana school to the most improbable of victories.

2) Gene Okerlund.
Mean, wooooooo! Gene. One of the best wrestling announcers of all the times.

1) Gene Wilder.
As if playing Willy Wonka wasn't enough, he was in Young Frankenstein, Blazing Saddles and See No Evil, Hear no Evil.

DEJA VU

I've always thought of myself as a rule-breaker. Not the important rules that could land me in jail or anything. But little rules that stick it to the man. I break 'em because I can. It's fun.

Part of it is stealing things, like a Brother Martin soccer ball. You're not supposed to take pictures in a casino, yet I've published two on this site. What they gonna do about it?

So, when I took my camera out at the movies the other day and Palace hotshot Paul told me that it was against the rules to take a picture inside the theatre, naturally I was going to snap a photo. What did Paul do about it? Nothing. He sat, err stood, there and took it.

Kelly uses a coupon to buy a small drink and small popcorn. She used a coupon and still paid $4.75. Yawzer. Correction. I paid for that.

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom saw Fight Club for the first time. It was too intense for her. "Brad Pitt smacks Ed Norton, and then they start this club. What the fuck?"

Mom is not happy about the condition of her Sex and the City DVD. "My fucking thing is fucking ripping. Those things aren't worth shit."

Mom overheard a domestic dispute last night. "You should have heard the fighting going on last night next door. It was so fucking loud. Fuck was coming out like every other word. Actually, it started scaring me. I had to come inside." (I'm surprised she didn't join in.)

I tell mom we'll eat lunch after I work on the blog for a few minutes. "You're still doing that fucking blog? Is that all your life is?"

Mom looks over at me working on my computer. I have the earbuds and part of the chord wrapped around my ear lobe. "That's cute. You look like you have fucking earrings on."

I tell mom a little about work. "This country is so fucking messed up."

At 1:30 a.m., mom walks through the house. Before returning to bed, she notices I left the door unlocked. "Someone could come in here and rape me, and he wouldn't give a shit."

FOUR CORNERS

A closer look at The Gene Pool world.

-- I've almost killed two animals in the past week. First, I was going 30 mph last Friday when a dog sprinted into the street from its yard. I slammed my breaks (things went flying) so hard that they made a funny-not-supposed-to-be-hit-that-hard sound. The dog, which went right in front of my car, disappeared from my view because he was so close.

Fortunately, I saw the dog emerge unscathed and continue to the other side of the street. It's a good thing another car wasn't behind me.

The other time was Saturday on the way home from work. I think it was a cat. Or maybe a skunk. There's no way to know for sure. But it darted in front of my car as I hit the brakes (about half as hard as before). This one wasn't too close, but still. I think the third time will be the charm for me. Keep your fingers crossed.

-- I had a dream Monday night. No, not that kind of dream. An actual dream. My dad and I were going to some sort of sporting event in a neighborhood environment. We were parking, and the parking attendant who was waving us into our spot looked familiar. It was Jenny McCarthy.

I guess she was doing low-level jobs to raise money for autism. Yes, I took a picture of her for the blog.

-- I thought my iPod shuffle was broken because it stopped playing in the bathroom where it's hooked up to a radio. (I like to listen to music while showering.) I tell my mom the grave news. She looks at it. "The battery is fucking dead." Oops.

-- My dad and I went to Copeland's the other day because I had a coupon for a free appetizer. Of course, I forgot it on the table in my back room. Good move, ace.

PARTING SHOTS

JRap and I are in the cafeteria the other day, and he's deciding what to get to drink.

JRap: To tea or not to tea?

Me: Is that what you ask your wife when you want to go play golf?

Late at work the other day.

JRap: Bake, you ever go cow tippin?
Bake: Yeah. I usually give 15 percent.

THE DAILY TOP LIST

My favorite five movie villains.

5) Hans Gruber. Die Hard. 1988.
After all, he did die hard.

4) Mola Ram. Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. 1984.
Too bad he couldn't rip out an alligator's heart.

3) Capt. Dudley Smith. L.A. Confidential. 1997.
Never been more shocked at a bad guy being revealed.

2) Freddy Krueger. Nightmare on Elm Street. 1984.
1-2 Freddy's coming for you. 3-4 Better lock your door. 5-6 Grab your crucifix. 7-8 Better stay up late. 9-10 Never sleep again.

1) Dr. Evil. Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me. 1999.
I'm the boss. Need the info.

GOTCHA AGAIN!

If you were wondering the reason DEJA VU wasn't explained in the opening item, I will tell you. Up until now, everything in this entry has appeared before in The Gene Pool (note the date in the photo up top). This is the DEJA VU edition.

It worked so well when Scrubs did it in Season 5, I thought I'd give it a shot. I came up with the idea when I did the April Fool's bit.

For symmetry sake, all the material comes from previous Wednesday efforts. Each Tina curse came from a different Wednesday, as well as each of the four corners and both parting shots.

In case you're feeling a little jilted, here is an original Tina curse. In general, she has trouble finding swimming attire that fits. "People have big boobs! There's implants. ... I don't know how they find fucking bathing suits."

OK, one more. Tina gives a diet update. "Almost been a year now. Lost 58 fucking pounds."