GOING OUT ON A HIGH NOTE

I had no fantasy of LSU winning its bowl game on New Year's Eve against the Rambling Wreck. In fact, I expected the Techsters to run all over LSU. Just huge chunks of yardage at a time. It made sense. The Tigers sucked against the run all year, and the Yellow Jackets thrived in the running game.

My plan was not to think about the game and try to have fun watching it. I was at Bob's house in the French Quarter for a big New Year's Eve party and watched it with him, Chuck, and Bob's friends from Georgia, Brent and Christie.

After the quick touchdown drive by LSU to start the festivities (remember, as the announcers kept saying before the game, these teams were playing for the final victory of 2008 as if that was some kind of trophy), I knew the Tigers were going to win big.

That's because I realized something. Les Miles (though with a small sampling) at LSU is the greatest bowl coach ever. You give that boy a month to prepare, and nobody can beat 'em. And I mean nobody. Either that or LSU just kills non-SEC schools in Dome bowl games. Theory being our fast athletes plus fast playing surface.

2008: LSU 38, Georgia Tech 3 (Chick-fil-A bowl in Georgia Dome)
2007: LSU 38, Ohio State 24 (BCS title game in Superdome)
2006: LSU 41, Notre Dame 14 (Sugar Bowl in Superdome)
2005: LSU 40, Miami 3 (Peach bowl in Georgia Dome)

Our group also had a good time making fun of the announcers. For instance, someone forgot to tell Brad Nessler that the crew was wearing tuxedos. He showed up in a black tie. Must have felt like a dufus. In the second quarter, he also said that "Georgia Tech hasn't had the ball in 30 minutes of real time. ... If you look at your watch."

Chuck came up with the best description I've ever heard of Les Miles. After a sound byte was aired of Les talking about Charles Scott (I think), Chuck leaned back in his chair and said: "You know, Les Miles has this genteel intensity about him." So true, Chuckles. So true.

LSU notes

1) 8-5 is a hell of a lot better looking than 7-6.

2) I wonder what happens if Jordan Jefferson played from the beginning. Do we beat Alabama? Arkansas? Be more competitive against Georgia and Florida? Finish with 10 wins?

3) I think their triple-option offense didn't work against us because our defense has given up all kinds of big plays when teams pounded it up the middle. Georgia Tech tried to keep going to the outside. We're faster and were able to stuff it. Don't know why all the experts didn't mention this in their previews.

4) The blowout brought 2008 full circle. It started with LSU rolling over the Buckeyes and ended with them being destroyers again.

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom passed by the Randazzo's that is opening around the corner from our house this king cake season. Very exciting. "You should have seen the fucking people going in out of the place. It was closed, though. All the signs around the area say open, but the door says open January 3."

Mom bought Season 4 of Two and 3/4 Men. She returns from the store. "Dammit. I should have checked those fucking discs." (Last time she bought a season, there weren't discs in it when she opened the package. They were there this time, though.)

Mom asks me what I'm going to do if the Apple store keeps my laptop for a few days. I tell her I don't know what I'll do. "I wonder if they give you a loaner. They should fucking give you a loaner. All those fucking people having problems with their fucking macs. That's awful."

There was a big accident around the corner Tuesday. We saw it from a distance on our way to the mall. Mom reads the story in the paper. "It was a beer truck all by itself. Fucking tried to make a turn, and it flipped over. Fucking beer all over the place."

Mom tries to cut the first piece of the pie she made. It doesn't cut right. "Fucking mess!" She then looks through the cabinet with the pots and pans. There's a lot of noise and then, "Fuck!"

Mom and I sit down to watch Sunday's episode of Password. But the football game ran long, which made 60 minutes run long. So, the first half of our tape is an Obama interview. "What the fuck is this?" We missed half the show. I tell her it's football's fault. "Fucking football."

Mom is impressed with the Password skills of Betty White. "She's good. The second one was hard, but she fucking got it anyway."

FOUR CORNERS

A closer look at The Gene Pool World

-- My first cousin (Tina's brother's daughter) got married. Did I go to the wedding? Um, no. I found out because her facebook status Tuesday was talking about the fun she was having on her honeymoon. I guess congratulations are in order. Weird thing, too. His last name is Guillot.

-- I'm taking an NBA break. Hard to believe, I know. My next Hornets game isn't until January 19. I'm not watching another game until then. I'll still look at the boxscores. The season, however, is just so freaking long that I need to recharge my pro hoops battery.

-- I met Paul and Minkus at Bud's after work Monday. Minkus loves going to Bud's whenever he's in town. Who could blame him? The funniest part of the evening was Paul pulling a Paul. He tells us that he's been offered a season ticket for the Saints next season and is thinking about buying it. Keep in mind he sat in this very seat for the Falcons game a few weeks back.

Paul: It's like the fourth or fifth row right in the corner of the end zone.

Me: The end zone where they come out or the other end zone?

Paul: I don't know. It's the right end zone.

(Minkus and I look at each other, shake our heads and laugh.)

-- I'm often at work past hours working on this blog. The phone rings an awful lot after midnight. At first, I was letting the phone ring and not picking up. Recently, I started answering. Apparently, people in the city think someone is here 24-7.

It's the same questions as we field at like 7 p.m. (who won this game? do you think the saints should do this? can you tell me who caught the fourth pass of the 1998 Super Bowl? Yada, yada, yada), but it got me to wondering the other day. When I'm not fielding these calls (don't worry, I take the time to answer all their questions), how many unanswered calls go to our department a night? I'm sure there's calls even after I leave.

PARTING SHOT

I'm driving to Chuck's house before Bob's party Wednesday night. Tina calls.

Tina: Do you have your driver's license?
Me: Yeah.
Tina: OK. Just making sure. I can see you left your wallet here.
Me: Yeah. I just took some cash and my license.
Tina: You got everything else? You have your phone?
Me: Yeah. I mean no. Shit. I forgot it.
Tina: Where?
Me: Uh.
Tina: Oh, shit. Jesus. OK. Goodbye.

THE DAILY TOP LIST

My top eight moments of 2008

8) Ashley and other rejections.

She had a gay boyfriend. Another said no. Others smoked. And there was that one time I couldn't understand what the girl was saying.

7) Hornets playoff run.

I went to five playoff games, including one in Dallas where Lopes almost got into a fight. I think this would be higher if the Wasps hadn't lost the game in Dallas and Game 7 to the Spurs.

6) Wrestlemania XXIV.

I went to five live events in 2008, including sitting a mere 20 feet from the ring in the Citrus Bowl for Mania. Plus, I spent two days at Universal Studios.

5) Breaking up with Megan.

Me: Let's go for a walk.

Megan: Is it a bad walk?

Me: Yes. Yes, it is.

That resulted in her breaking down and crying. It took me an hour to leave. She went through stages of crying, yelling and throwing shots at me like, "Good luck with your gambling problem." I also found out that I did this to her a day after her cat died. Oops.

4) Interviewing Ric Flair.

Wooooooooooooooooooo!

3) The Gustav saga.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I evacuated into the storm. Wanna fight about it?

2) LSU wins national championship.

First team to win two BCS championships. We had a great day.

1) The invention of The Gene Pool.

Me: I'm starting a blog. Do you think I should call it The Gene Pool?

Lopes: I think The Gene Pool is the perfect name for your blog.

The rest, as they say, is history. Now, let's hope 2009 isn't a sophomore slump for it.

MY (ALMOST REALLY) PRODUCTIVE DAY

Our dentist finally moved into his new building near the Lakeside Mall, some three-plus years after Katrina. Just the latest sign of recovery in the city. Tina had an appointment there for noon Tuesday. I had plenty of stuff to get done in the area, and I woke up at 9:45 a.m. to take a ride. My goal was six-fold.

1) Buy Family Guy Vol. 6 on sale at Target. Check.

2) Stop at an ATM and get money. Check.

3) Settle the 3 Doors Down ticket situation at Major Video. The guy there told me my tickets would be honored at the new show. Why didn't the band's Web site say that? Anyway, I'm going Feb. 13. Check.

(After we left Major Video, Tina dropped me off at Lakeside while she went for the second part of her epic root canal.)

4) Get my sunglasses fixed. They broke weeks ago, but with my hectic schedule (feel free to roll your eyes) I haven't been able to get to Sunglass Hut. The worker stared at the glasses for about a minute and then bam!, he popped that sucker back into place. Made me feel like a real idiot. But at least I can look cool again while I'm driving. Check.

5) Get the CD player/burner fixed in my laptop. It doesn't burn discs, and it doesn't recognize any CD you insert in there. I've been meaning to get that looked at for about two months. Again, hectic schedule (and I can see you're rolling your eyes again).

I walk in and explain the problem to the worker at the front of the Mac store. She tells me that the next available appointment is Friday at 11 a.m. Oh geez louise. Or I can leave it at dropoff where they'll look at it sometime in the next 24 hours and call to tell me the problem. F that. I want to be standing there when they examine my baby.

Begrudgingly, I accepted the appointment. Great. Two days this week with early wakeup calls. Woe is me. I give that one a quarter of a check. It didn't get done. But at least I started the process.

6) Buy a new pair of dress pants.

Before I went browsing at Dillard's and Macy's, I stopped in the food court for a smoothie. I took it to a bench and put on my Ipod as I observed the peoples in the mall. After noticing a trend in women's clothing, I surveyed the next 100 women that went by my bench. It's now a scientific fact (well, not really) that 63 percent of women wear jeans to the mall.

Tina met up with me at Dillard's after her appointment for some shopping. I tell her to meet me on the second floor. She calls back a few minutes later.

Tina: Can I ask you why you're on the second floor?
Me (looking around): This is where all the clothes seem to be.
Tina: Well, the men's department is on the first floor.
Me: Oh. I hadn't really started looking. Oops.

I find nice pants, but they are too expensive. Tina says Macy's is having a sale. I say I'm done for the day, and it's time to go home. I can go to Macy's on Friday when I bring in my laptop. So, no check. But, hey, 4 1/4 out of 6 ain't bad. I then walk toward the escalator.

Tina: Where are you going?
Me: To the escalator.
Tina: For what?
Me: Duh. To leave.
Tina: And how you going to do that through the escalator?
Me: By going back to the first floor. How do you propose leaving Dillard's? Teleportation?
Tina: What are you talking about? (Pointing.) The exit is over there.
Me: Oh. We're already on the first floor. I thought we were still on the second floor.

Yup, I'm a dumbass. Now, I bet you're thinking that Tina did some cursing on the drive around town today. Well, you'd be correct.

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom and I are about to leave for the six-fold goal adventure.
Me: I hope I don't need a receipt for the laptop.
Mom: I think you threw it away with the fucking box.

We pass by Krispy Kreme, where a sign says that you get $2 off the second dozen if you buy two dozen. I tell mom that the sign has been there for more than a year. "They trying to get you to buy another fucking dozen so you gain another 30 pounds."

I have my backpack with me. Mom wanted me to put it in the trunk when we left the house, but I didn't because I wanted my pad on my lap to record her curses on the drive. When we get to Target, I open the trunk to put the bag in there. "Oh put the fucking thing in the back now so everyone can see."

When we leave Target, I lead us the wrong way out (I'm so bad with directions), and we have to walk all the way around the building to the car. Mom is pissed. But others are around, so she doesn't fully curse. "We're on the wrong freakin' side. Why did I listen to you? You went the wrong way off the freakin' elevator. Jesus Christ. I'm not in a good mood. Walking all the way around this freakin' building. I don't have time for this shit. And another thing. Do you have your f'n phone on? I'm not freakin' calling you all day when I get to the mall."

We get to the car and pull out of our spot. "Fuck. I got to go all the way around to get out of here."

On the way to the mall, I explain to mom how Derry's Netflix seems to be working faster. We put our discs in the mail Friday and he Saturday, but we both got the new discs Tuesday. "I mailed it in front of the post office because sometimes the mail man doesn't come until fucking night time."

Mom and I decided to stop for lunch on the way home since we made good timing. On the way to Copeland's, the following were said:
-- "I didn't know I was getting shot up today (at the dentist.) I'm fucking numb."
-- "What's with that store crombie and something? (I tell her the full name.) Yeah. Whatever. It's so fucking dark in there I thought it was closed. A shirt cost a 150 fucking dollars."
-- "Look at the traffic on the Interstate. Fucking ridiculous. Who would want to go get on there?"
-- (Before picking Copeland's.) "Where should we eat? How bout by the house? Fuck. I can't think of the name of it."
-- (Listening to the penultimate track of the David Cook CD.) "You got to fucking wait 10 to 15 minutes for the next song."

We have a pleasant meal at Copeland's. Then, as we're pulling into our driveway, mom has one last line. "Someone must have thought it was New Year's last night because the fucking fireworks did not stop."

PARTING SHOT
Derry tries to convince Jelly to join the T-P desk playoff picks pool.

Jelly: I don't know. I kind of like being undefeated at 1-0.
Derry: But this way you could completely dominate by winning the playoffs as well.
Brick: Then you'd be better than the Patriots.

THE DAILY TOP LIST
My top five moments of December.

5) Hornets def. Spurs. Dec. 17.
Didn't make up for Game 7, but it did feel good. Oh so good.

4) CP3 double bobblehead.
Paul and I arrived at the Arena at 4:45 p.m. for the 7 p.m. tipoff. Luckily, the freezing wind only lasted twenty minutes. And no D, you can't have it.

3) T-P Office party.
Had 20 shrimps and two jack and cokes and then went out drinking after.

2) Dolphins make the playoffs.
I forgot to credit Bob in yesterday's blog for telling me at the beginning of the season that Pennington would be a good pickup for the Fish. Sorry, Bawb. Also, extra credit for Bob because he's liked Pennington for a long time. He never gave up on him. You have to respect that kind of loyalty. Same for me and Ricky Williams.

1) Making the money in a poker tournament.
Finished 11th out of 122. It's all part of World Series lore now.

ONLY THE PENNINGTON TEAM WILL PASS

I couldn't be more excited about the Dolphins making the playoffs. I'm trying to keep my emotions in check because our last few playoff appearances haven't gone so well. (Baltimore 20-3, Oakland 27-0 and yes, Jacksonville 62-7). But there's no dominant team out there, so you just never know.

Boy oh boy I hope that scumbag Brett Favre doesn't return for another season. How awesome would it be if we beat the greatest quarterback of all-time in his last game? Did you see what the legendary Brett Favre did on the final play of his career? Yeah, he threw an illegal forward pass. Ha. Ha. Ha. We picked him off three times, and his stats at the end of the season were uglier than a one-night stand once the beer goggles are removed.

I still can't believed we turned the ship around so quickly. I mean we barely won the one game last year. Against who? Baltimore, our opponent Sunday. To win 11 games (albeit against a lighter schedule than Minkus' skin color) after last season is unbelievable. To only have 13 turnovers is even crazier.

It's also funny how perceptions can change. When the Fish were 2-4, I was like "We've got to get rid of Chad Pennington. He sucks. We need a real quarterback." Now, I'm starting to consider naming my first born Dan Pennington Guillot. He's so calm in the pocket, makes all the right reads and every one rallies around him.

For the past day and a half, I've been signing a little song in my head. I got it from White Men Can't Jump when Snipes and Harrelson first square off in a shooting contest. Snipes' boy is positive his man will win and starts signing "We goin Sizzler. We goin Sizzler." I've been signing, "We goin playoffs. We goin playoffs." Of course, Snipes lost that shooting contest. Maybe I should get more of a winning song up in my head.

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom and I have planned to run some errands Tuesday afternoon. On the agenda is finally bringing my laptop to the Apple store. I tell mom I hope to get it back that day. "Are you fucking kidding me? You're looking at fucking days."

Mom asks me if my favorite tie still has a stain on it. I tell her I don't remember any stain, and the last time I wore it was in May 2007. "It's because you don't give a fuck. And I'm not your fucking maid!"

DID YOU KNOW?

Did you know that you can google your name under images and funny stuff will appear? More than likely your picture won't appear, but plenty of random shit will. For instance, naked French sculptures by Gene Guillot used to appear on google images under my name. For some reason, that doesn't appear anymore. Maybe he was outlawed or something. That sick freak.

Then, for a time, my mug shot used to come up. Now, it's other people with my name and still more people who just have the first name Gene. I can't explain the inner workings of google images, but I can have fun with it. So, I'm google imaging all of you people and posting the best result. Let's start with JRap, who apparently has made his rounds in the circles of third-graders.

PARTING SHOTS
We're discussing the Saints schedule next year.

Derry: I don't fear any team from the AFC East, except the Patriots. No offense, Gene.
Me: Excuse, me. Who won the division?
Jelly (to me): Have you sent a thank-you card to Tom Brady yet?

I tell JRap that Minkus called me earlier to tell me quote "I'm available tonight."

JRap: I'd hate to say this in front of JLE because she's a woman. But your entire group just needs to get laid.
Me: That's true.

THE DAILY TOP LIST
I'm going to Bob's house for a New Year's Eve party. Will it crack this NYE's Top 5.

5) 2001.
Regina and I fell asleep at about 10. We awoke briefly for midnight and went back to sleep. This was during the good times.

4) 2004.
I don't remember who all was there, but we went to the top of the Buddig dorm building and watched like three separate fireworks displays at midnight.

3) 2006.
Bert, Kelly, Paul and I went to the Molly Ringwald concert at Southport. Free champagne was given out at midnight. Good times.

2) 2007.
We formed a group called the Bourbon Street 13. Trying to keep a group that big together on Bourbon on New Year's Eve was quite the task.

1) 1989-1998.
Being a kid and fireworks are a great combination. I shot some in the front yard. There were a lot of kids in the neighborhood, so New Year's Eve always rocked. And one of the neighbor's across the street put on an incredible display at the stroke of midnight. Lasted a solid 10 minutes.

WE GOT THIS NEXT YEAR, YO

I didn't go to the Fox & Hound to watch the noon games Sundays because a) I wasn't that interested in the other games, b) my favorite waitress is on vacation and c) I had too much food left to eat.

I wanted to beat the Panthers because a) I hate them, b) I wanted the Falcons to win the division to keep the last-to-first streak going in our division, especially since we're last this season and c) I wanted everything to fall into place for my so-called crazy scenario where the Saints make the playoffs from all those weeks ago, not counting the Chicago game.

I wanted to be able to say: See, everything did happen. And if we would have won that coin toss, we would be going to the playoffs. Well, everyone else that we needed to lose did (Cowboys, Bucs), so now it's: We needed a coin toss and a missed field goal to make the playoffs. I'm telling you, we were this close.

Saints notes

1) The Saints undefeated record when I watch alone.
The undefeated NFC South home record.
The Saints finishing over .500
My afternoon.

And we open the envelope. (Reading.) What are things that were ruined by Sunday's Saints loss?

2) Saints record against teams under .500: 5-0.
Saints record against teams over . 500: 2-6.
(The Chargers, Broncos and Redskins all ended up 8-8.)

The Saints played eight games that were up for grabs at the end. Their record: 2-6. If they win half of those 50-50 games, they make the playoffs. Ugh.

3) I was experiencing technical difficulties cheering Sunday during the fourth-quarter comeback. I was cheering for the Saints to win and Brees not to break Dan's record. After the first touchdown in the fourth, I realized that one might not be possible without the other, much like love and marriage. Meet my new hero: Panthers punter Sam Baker for that shanked kick out of bounds. What a guy.

I'd also like to give thanks to Lance Moore for not looking up in time for the 20-yard record breaking pass on the final play and all the dropped passes the Saints accumulated over the course of the season. Bless you, boys.

I was happy that Drew moved into second place on the all-time list and hit 5,000 yards. I think he could do it again next year. Especially if he can have drives where he throws for 101 yards more often.

4) At least this team never quit. They had a lot of fight in them all year. One problem with so many good comebacks, though, is that you had to fall into a hole to come back from. Let's eliminate those before next season. K?

There's hope for the future: Brees (lookout record books), Moore (heck of a second option), Thomas (proved his worth as main back), Colston (what a nice final three games), Meachem (defensive backs have trouble tackling him. I like that.), Tracy Porter and Sedrick Ellis (two defensive spots we don't have to worry about).

5) I love pools. And not just The Gene Pool. Swimming pools. Betting pools. Yeah, I love betting pools. Love to start them. Love to participate in them. I made one Saturday night for Brees on Sunday. I got everyone to put up a buck and guess how many passes Brees would attempt against the Panthers.

We had answers ranging from 42 to 70. I had 58. The winner was Sandy, who hit 49 right on the head. Jelly also completed her utter dominance of the T-P NFL desk pool picks on Sunday. She won by so much she didn't even need to pick the Week 17 games. (Just wait till next year.) Let's let the women gloat for a second.

Sandy (accepting the money): Proving that the women in this department (makes hand motion)
Jelly: It's a clean sweep.

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom is watching Nip/Tuck on DVD while I'm watching the Saints game. "That's what I need. A fucking facelift. ... See, it takes away all your fucking wrinkles."

Mom recognizes a guest star. "Look, she's talking with a fucking accent."

Then, later while still watching the show. "He's dickless. He has no penis."

Mom talks to me as I'm eating lunch. "You see the fucking price of Nip/Tuck coming out Tuesday? Motherfuck. Fucking $38."

I try to explain to mom that I can stay organized. "Bullshit. Bull-fucking-shit."

Mom is watching some VH1 year-in-review show. "They make fucking shows out of other fucking shows. Then, they make another show after that fucking show. It all started with fucking Flavor Flav. It kills me."

NEVER LEAVE HOME WITHOUT IT

I noticed when I got home Saturday night that I was running low on gas. I didn't want to fill up on the way into work Sunday because I didn't want to miss any of the Dolphins-Jets game. So, I decided to drive to the gas station (2 miles away) during halftime of the Saints game. Good idea, I told myself.

I drive the 2 miles, but when I exit the car to start pumping, I realize I don't have my wallet. Bad idea, I told myself. I return home. Mom observes me leaving again as the second half is about to start. I tell her I forgot my wallet and am now going to get the gas. "You tried to save time, but instead you fucked up time."

PARTING SHOTS
Liam got a Cubs tie for Christmas. He shows it off to his friend, who is a Brewers fan.

Liam's friend: "Now, you have something to hang yourself from the fan with after they choke again next year."

Sandy see that Gamby's story is in.

Sandy (to Jelly): Are you doing Gamby?
Jelly: No. On so many different levels.

THE DAILY TOP LIST
The top five reasons the Saints didn't make the playoffs (you know, besides not scoring more points than their opponents often enough)

5) Field-goal making.
Gramatica missed possible game-winners against Denver and Minnesota. If we have Hartley there the whole season, we might have finished 10-6.

4) No pass rush.
We spent a lot of money on Smith and Grant. Did they wreak havoc in the backfield? Um, no. Maybe if the QB was under more pressure more often, then the secondary wouldn't have been burned so bad.

3) Turnover battle.
The Saints consistently lost this, and early turnovers often put them in a deep hole from which they had several comebacks fall short. This was a result of a) some unfortunate plays (see Moore's bobbled interception vs. Minnesota), b) one bad call (see Red Meat's fumble vs. Minnesota), c) carelessness with the ball, d) lack of a pass rush and not forcing the QB into turnovers and e) A not-so-good secondary.

2) Short-yardage rushing.
How many times were the Saints not able to convert third-and-1 this year? Don't look at me. I lost count. Blunders against Washington and Denver stand out the most.

1) Giving up deep pass plays late.
This cost us three games: Minnesota, Chicago and home vs. Carolina. The first two from pass interference penalties and the third from a jump ball with Steve Smith and two Saints defenders. I believe that if we had one really solid safety, we would have won all three of these games. That's 11-5, folks.

WANTED: One solid safety in New Orleans. Headhunting skills required. Must love red beans and rice.

LET'S GO BOTH TEAMS. 

The Rockets were in town Friday night to take on the Hornets. Houston has been my favorite team since I started watching basketball. With the Hornets in Nawlins, I have two favorite teams. One isn't above the other. Which always causes a dilemma when they collide. 

In the past, it hasn't been a very pleasant experience for the person going to these games with me. Just ask Gillie. So, I decided to go solo Friday night. Add sporting event to the list of things I don't mind doing by myself. 

It's not like I didn't know anybody. I talked to seven people I knew, including someone I went to high school with sitting in the seat right in front of me, and saw three others from a distance. I also talked to former T-P employee Freddy, Bob's friend Laura, the person who handles my tickets and my neighbor.

I got to Buzzfest at 6 p.m. after picking up my ticket at will call where the person working behind the counter was slightly confused. I hand her my ID for her to retrieve my ticket. 

Worker: You order the ticket through Ticketmaster?

Me: No. Through the Hornets. 

Worker: Oh. But did you get them through ticketmaster.com?

Me: No. I ordered the ticket through a Hornets office worker. (It's like she wanted me to pay the ridiculous fees.) 

The band was Bottoms Up. Never heard of them. But they played three songs from the 80s in a row that I liked when I first got there. I sat down in a seat and took in the show. They were OK. I was fixin' to leave when. ...

The Used-to-Bees showed up. I was back in. Those old ladies know how to get down and are much more entertaining than the Honeybees. I can see pretty girls in next-to-nothing clothing any day of the week. But old ladies dancing to "Brickhouse" and "Play that funky music?" No, I can't see that any time I want. 

You know my Hornets-aren't-bees-they're-wasps campaign? What would we change the name of this group to? Used-to-Wasps doesn't have a very good ring to it. How about Old-time Wasps? Way-Back-When Wasps? 

Because I was attending by myself, I bought a ticket in the lower bowl. I hadn't sat this close to the court since the Hornets' first season here when I used to sneak down to the fifth row at center court. (Security was awful back then. I've also spent time on the catwalk in the N.O. Arena. Remind me to tell you about that sometime.) 

Blake, the Hornets rep that handles my tickets, told me when I bought the ticket at 3 p.m. Friday that I got the last available ticket in the lower bowl. That was close. Section 118. End seat in row 11. 

I'm taking pictures of the Rockets warming up from the third row of Section 118 when I feel a hand shove into my shoulder. It was D. He sits in the end seat of row 1 (really row 2) in 118. I park it in row 3 and talk to D all the way until tipoff when the people sitting in row 3 finally showed up. I went back down there at halftime to chat with D and Marcus. 

The dynamic, never-out-of-the-first-round duo stare blankly as the rest of their teammates finish warmups. T-Mac sat on some kind of special chair whenever he was on the bench. This is one of my favorite pictures I've taken. They didn't talk to each other. They didn't look at each other. They seemed to be visualizing the game. 

Yao said a prayer right after this photo. I can read Chinese lips: "Please let Tracy no get hurt tonight. Please let his knee stay attached. Help me make fadeaway and hook shot. Please make Gene cheer for us. I know he's undecided. But we need him tonight. And as usual to end it, please no let us lose in first round again. I don't want to see Tracy cry like little girl." 

My section was behind the goal, and that means these retarded things get passed out for fans to wave at the other team shooting free throws, so they can pretend like they're participating. We all know this does absolutely nothing to the shooter. They could give a shit. I thought about taking one and waving it at the Hornets. Just for funsies. 

Game notes.

1) Who did I cheer for? I cheered for both teams. I wore my Tyson Chandler jersey shirt and Rockets headband. I cheered for every shot to go in. Except when Money Brown shot. As soon as he lined one up, I began cheering for a Rockets rebound. (Does anyone still think this guy is worth a damn? You know, besides Byron Scott.) 

I keep using the word cheer. I didn't do any of this cheering out loud. I was completely silent the whole game. Like I was sitting in the press box and not showing favoritism. 

2) The guy behind me was aggravating the shit out of me. He was a moron. You could tell he had no clue what was going on. He did see that I was undecided on who to cheer for and tried to convince me that the Hornets were the better choice. Thanks, guy.

3) I watched the game completely objectively. I saw a lot of bad calls both ways, but the Rockets received about three more bad calls in their favor. The fans in my section did plenty of bitching (I can say that in the blog, right Marcus?) at the bad calls against the Wasps. Ironically, they didn't complain about the bad calls that went against the Rockets. Homers. 

4) Both teams were struggling coming in. Both teams struggled Friday. The Hornets won because they struggled less. Here's who had a good game: CP3 (mostly), West (first half), Butler, Tyson, Yao, Aaron Brooks, Carl Landry. Everyone else sucked.

5) I wore my Tyson shirt because there's been a lot of talk about him regressing this season. He has been off, and I'm not quite sure of the reason. Unbeknownst to me, Friday night was vote for Tyson night at the Arena. Workers had Tyson jerseys on, and he was on the cover of the program. I'm psychic. 

And Chandler delivered, too. Reminded me of last year. He was the best player on the court. He made Yao take tough shots. He fought for the ball. He got a couple of putbacks. He got the offensive rebound that sealed the victory.  

6) I left the Arena a winner. Always a good feeling. 

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

I'm watching Trading Places. My mom watches some of the beginning. "Fucking rich people fucking think they own everyone. It's just for fun for them. They're so fucking rich they have nothing better to do than fuck with these two guys." (Shouldn't that be the tagline?) Then, when the amount of the bet is revealed. "A fucking dollar."

Mom gets the mail. "I wish these fucking credit card people would leave me the fuck alone."

My phone makes the beeping noise that indicates the battery is dying. "Plug in that fucking phone!" I don't. It beeps a few minutes later. "Are you going to plug that fucking thing in?" I didn't. Then, later I can't find the phone. "It probably died. I told you to fucking plug in the motherfucker."

PARTING SHOTS

The Tulane men's basketball team lost to Binghamton 74-73.

Liam: How do you lose to Binghamton?

Jelly (reading from Lopes' story): A non-call and a shot-clock issue.

Bake (at the same time as Jelly, referring to Binghamton): They're loaded.

Liam (to Jelly): No. That's no excuse.

Derry (referring to Tulane): Yes it is. They were loaded.

Bake: Ah. A little too much holiday cheer.

I'm looking at the notable sports deaths of 2008.

Me: Who is Herb Score?

Brick: I think he was a pitcher. (He was.)

Me: It'd be cool if he invented the scoring system or something.

Derry: Or started the radio station the Score.

Bake: Maybe he scored some herb.

Jelly tries to explain to me why she wouldn't want me in her family.

Jelly: Gene, I adore you , but in a uh

Marcus (finishing her thought): in a wet cat kind of way. As in you don't want him in the house.

We're discussing Tina's theory that a man shouldn't get married before 30 because he's not done fucking around.

Liam: Or in Gene's case, if he hasn't started.

THE DAILY TOP LIST

My favorite five fast food slogans

5) Have it your way, right away, at Burger King now.

I used to go to the Burger King up the street once a week, and that commercial was airing at the time. I quickly learned that you don't get it your way at Burger King. And that BK has now been boarded up for years. I suspect it is the center of the Harahan drug underworld.

4) Yo quiero Taco Bell.

I really liked this campaign. Would be higher if I liked Mexican food.

3) Better ingredients. Better pizza. Papa John's.

So true. So true.

2) Love that chicken. Popeye's.

Hard to grow up around here and not have that in your Top 5. Right, Lopes?

1) Do you believe in magic? McDonald's.

And I hope you do. You'll always have a friend wearing big red shoes. Do you believe in magic?

And they say clowns are creepy.

CHRISTMAS WITH THE FIEGELS  

I worked both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. No biggie, though. I was done by 6:30 on Wednesday and like 8 on Thursday. The beauty of working major holidays is easy shifts. 

Not one to call it an early night, especially on such a big holiday, I stopped at Cooter Brown's on the way home to say hello to Stephen and the Fiegels (that's John, who works at the T-P, and his daughter Jennifer). I ended up staying for two hours. 

I already knew Jennifer via mutual friends at LSU. Though I've never called her Jennifer. I've always called her Fiegel. And I'm sticking to that. Try not to get confused.  

Fiegel spent most of our conversation referring to me as her "facebook stalker." She's half-right. I am a facebook-stalker. Just not hers. 

She got that impression because I was telling her something and referenced her facebook status from a few weeks ago. She misinterpreted my memory skills for being a stalker. But what I was telling her is funny: Fiegel and Paul have both left their credit card at Fred's in Baton Rouge. 

Stephen explains to Fiegel that there are two kinds of women: medicated and not yet. 

Stephen: So which one are you?

Jennifer: Not yet. (Then, pointing at her drink.) Unless you count this as self-medicated. 

Also at the bar was one of Little Joe's frat brothers. When I saw him walk in, I expected Little Joe to be right behind him, even though I knew the Little One was in Arkansas. Miss ya, buddy.

As usual, Fiegel was taking pictures. She insisted on taking one with me. I didn't want to end up on her next facebook album, so I closed my eyes for the photo. That'll show her. 

The conversation at one point came to Ace, a not-all-there, out-of-this-universe creepy former T-P employee. There was a running joke in the sports department that Ace had taken a liking to me. If you know what I mean. He would say stuff you just don't say at work. John recalled the best example by telling us that Ace once complained that little boys should be legal. 

Anyway, I realized that I've been out drinking the past two major holidays. Gee, I hope I can keep the streak going on New Year's Eve. 

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom tells me that our neighbors across the street are getting divorced. The guy has been living there (family house) since before we moved in way back when. "Yeah. I got the scoop from Tom. I said, 'ain't that some shit." I ask mom if she's surprised. "No. I think he got married too young. (I think he was like 28.) But I've always felt that when a guy gets married before 30 it is a mistake because he's not done fucking around." 

Mom is watching a soap and talking at the TV. "How the fuck you gonna do that?"

Mom is talking about something and then switches gears. "You and your dad are two peas in a fucking pod. Then, today he tracked his muddy fucking shoes in my garage." 

Mom hit the after-Christmas sales Friday morning. 

Me: Why didn't you wake me up to go with you?

Mom: I tried to get you up a couple of times. You were fucking ignoring me.

I'm trying to help mom with the crossword puzzle out on the patio. I fill in the word "yello." Mom: "Mellow Yellow? What the fuck is that?" Then, she shows me a trouble spot for her in the puzzle. "I know this clue, but I can't fucking think of the pear word." A few minutes later. "Quit leaning on the table. You're going to end up fucking breaking the thing." 

Mom is trying to tell me where Rihanna is from by reading it from the booklet in the CD she just bought. "I can't find it. It has so many fucking words on here." (She's from Barbados.) 

Mom sees me leaving for the Hornets-Rockets game. 

Mom: How much does it cost to park?

Me: $10.

Mom: Fucking ridiculous. But they get you, though. No one wants to park on the street and walk because it is too fucking dangerous.

THE GENE POOL DIP (I MEAN TIP) OF THE WEEK

Don't park in the Superdome or any other main building if you attend a Hornets game. You'll be stuck in that sumbitch for days after the game. Might as well stay in your seat in the Arena for an hour. Or bring a football and throw it around in the parking lot. 

My dad and I parked across the street from the Superdome in a $10 parking lot Tuesday night. At first, I thought it might be a long walk. But all you do is cross the street (with officer assistance), walk through the Dome parking lot and voila, you're right in front of the Arena. 

Then, when we left. Oh man, was that awesome. There were only like 20 cars using this lot (I'm sure it's full for Saints games), so leaving it was a breeze. And when we turned onto Poydras, the Interstate ramp we needed was right there. Zero traffic. None. Like there wasn't even a game that night. 

IDIOT CALLER OF THE WEEK 

Mike took the idiot call of the week Christmas night. Remember this is Christmas night. Who calls the sports section with a question on Christmas night? Also, keep in mind that there were no college bowl games Christmas night.

Mike (answering the phone): Sports.

Caller: Yeah. Can you tell me how LSU did in that Fill bowl tonight? 

Mike: Uh, LSU plays on New Year's Eve. 

Caller: Oh. 

So, not only was he almost a week ahead of time, but he called it the Fill bowl. Oh boy. 

Hey, Chuck. I bet my Tigers kick the crap out of your Yellow Jackets in the Fill Bowl. (No. I don't really think LSU will win.) We're going to fill you up all right in the Fill Bowl. It's only been two jokes, but I think we've had our fill of these comedic gems. 

PARTING SHOT

Lopes and I are discussing his eventual going-away party Christmas night. 

Me: Hmm. We better make sure we get you a cake. The big shots certainly won't. 

Lopes: Dan Shea will get me a cake. 

Me: Oh yeah. He'll get you two cakes. And he'll eat it, too. 

THE DAILY TOP LIST

My top five Christmas presents

5) Candy.

Give me some candy.

4) Pajamas. 

Comfy.

3) Rockets-Hornets ticket in the lower bowl.

More on that tomorrow.

2) Debit card.

With enough money on it to last a few meals.

1) CP3 sweater.

You've seen it. 

MERRY CHRISTMAS

I went to Midnight Mass after watching a few episodes of Spin City last night. If you're going to go to Christmas Mass, it might as well be at midnight. That's the way to go. Much more festive and exciting. 

Lots of couples at the Midnight Mass. I tell you Christmas time is really the only time of year I get lonely. Like put-on-a-sad-face lonely. Like thinking-of-joining-E-Harmony lonely. 

Here's some of mom's best decorations. She has some sort of Christmas paraphernalia in every room of the house. She even has snowman wallpaper taped in the bathroom. 

On the left we have saxophone-playing Santa. Mom loves hitting the button to make the jolly one boogie down. He bends his knees and gets all into it. Though I can't remember what carol he plays. Uh. Uh. Then, we have a carol-singing angel and a sleigh-riding Santa with all his gifts for the kiddies. Ain't that precious?

My favorite gift of Christmas 2008 was this Chris Paul sweatshirt. Mom thought she was going to have to return it because when she got home with the present she noticed it wasn't the same color as the shirt I got on opening night. I told her not to worry. I much prefer this teal to the new creole blue any day. Plus, the 3 on the sweatshirt is purple. Can you say new favorite winter clothing?

I've been hanging this stocking for Santa ever since I can remember. I used to have two (the other one had my name in glitter), but I guess Tina figures I'm too old for two stockings of stuff. Oh phooey. That's all candy in there, baby. Should last about a month. 

Oh, and I watched all the episodes from my favorite Christmas episode list today. Really got me in the holiday spirit. Mom didn't enjoy it so much, though. "I see you've taken over the living room." 

I took this from the 300-level down to the 100-level at the Hornets-Lakers game. My camera died right after I took this, so there aren't any other photos from Tuesday. 

The Honeybees were dressed in full Christmas gear and taking pictures at halftime. First come, first serve. I spent most of halftime observing this photo session. It was mostly kids getting their pictures taken (I guess to put next to their picture with Santa). Also, dads with their kids. 

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom opens the refrigerator. She yells: "You get gravy all over the fucking place every time you open a container."

Mom can't believe the heat on Christmas. "It feels like fucking summer out there."

Mom struggles opening the back door. "I tell you what. This fucking door."

I tell mom that John Lennon didn't go to his high school reunions. "Why? Because he's fucking John Lennon." 

PARTING SHOTS

JRap is talking to Phil about something sports-related.

JRap: They fall into their own traps.

Me (chiming in): That happened to the Roadrunner a lot, too.

Lopes: You mean the coyote? 

Max finds a mistake on the front.  

JRap: You know, Max isn't just chopped liver.

Me: Not just chopped liver?

THE DAILY TOP LIST

My top five gifts from Santa.

5) Portable DVD player. 2004.

I still use this.

4) Toy truck. 1988.

I was a speed demon on that thing.

3) Wrestling ring. 1987.

Imagine the joy this brought me. I still have some of the wrestlers, but Tina gave away the ring. 

2) Computer. 1995.

It had games on it. That's all I cared about. I think it was ahead of its time, but by the time the whole computer thing took off, I was way behind the times. 

1) Nintendo. 1990.

Oh the joy I had that morning. Mario. Mario. Mario. And it still works. Yeah, that's right. 

HOPEFULLY, SANTA IS HUNGRY.

Back when I was a young lad, Tina hosted Christmas at our house on Christmas Eve every year for both sides of the family. She went all out. Some type of main dish I'm forgetting, shrimp mole (always the biggest hit), a shitload of meatballs, finger sandwiches (easy, Kaila), lots of little snacks and a red velvet cake.

Just because she doesn't throw a Christmas party anymore or even have a Christmas tree for the 112 presents we used to exchange at those parties, don't think Tina doesn't get in the cooking mood anymore for Christmas. On the contrary, my friends.

1) On Saturday, Tina cooked a rack of ribs. I finished it off Tuesday night.

2) On Monday, Tina rolled 96 meatballs and made spaghetti and meat sauce. I'll be eating that for the rest of the week.

3) On Tuesday, she woke me up at 8:45 a.m. She didn't feel well. So, I went down to Bobby's to pick up the necessities for that day's cooking: Four pounds of shrimp, one pound of lump crabmeat and 10 pieces of catfish. You guessed it. Tina made her famous shrimp and corn soup again. Yummy, mummy. I was half-awake when I bought the stuff and went straight back to bed when I got home.

When I woke up, there was the soup. And a chocolate cake. I'll be eating both of those for a while as well.

4) On Wednesday, Tina fixed breaded porkchops for me while she began eating the catfish.

To review, we have a nearly full thing of spaghetti and about 75 meatballs, a huge container of shrimp and corn soup (probably 10-15 bowls), 3/4 of a chocolate cake, six pieces of breaded porkchops and five pieces of catfish left to go. I might be putting on a little extra holiday weight.

Merry Christmas to all. And to all a good meal. I mean night.

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom is doing the crossword puzzle in the kitchen. I'm in the living room watching TV. Twice within an hour, she yells: "What the fuck is that?"

Mom and I are watching Million Dollar Password. Or as I call it: $100,000 Password. (If you don't know how it's played, here's a quickie: One person tries to get the other person to guess the word, or password. But the person giving the clue can only say one word at a time. After each clue, the other person must guess before the next clue is given.)

The password is Supremes. After a few clues, the person receiving is trying to guess: "Oh. I got it. It's a musical group. They were sisters. Um. Um."
Mom: The Supremes weren't sisters, asshole.
Person guessing: The Pointers. (And time expires.)
Mom: What a dick.

Note: The person guessing here is the host of the Amazing Race. The password is vanilla. Here's the exchange.
Clue giver: Chocolate (pronounced to make the guesser infer the opposite, a common technique on the show).
Clue guesser: Moose.
Clue giver: Opposite.
Clue guesser: Shake.
Clue giver: Chocolate (again pronounced to infer the opposite).
Clue guesser: Cookies.

Mom and I laughed hard at this one. We watched it two more times. Later, I approach mom in the kitchen.

Me: Mom, what is the opposite of chocolate?
Mom: Fucking vanilla. ... What an idiot. Everyone knows there's three main flavors of ice cream. Chocolate, strawberry and fucking vanilla.

FOUR CORNERS
A closer look at The Gene Pool world

-- I love the weather down here in Nawlins. On Dec. 11, it snowed. On Dec. 20, I came in to work with shorts and sandals on. On Dec. 22, mom said "it's fucking freezing." On Dec. 24, I was at work again in shorts. I doubt too many other places in this here country have people running their ACs right now.

-- Thanks to the good ol' Atlanta Falcons (did I just say that?), I won my bet with Lopes that both NFC wild-card teams would not come from the East. Next stop: Hooters. If the Bucs get the other wild card spot instead of the Eagles or Cowboys, I should win like double the bet. What's the double equivalent of Hooters?

-- I've listened to the new Fall Out Boy CD a few times now. It's growing on me, but it is nowhere near their last album. And it's certainly not enough to jump them back ahead of 3 Doors Down for that coveted No. 1 spot on my band list. My favorite song is the first track, which is about their handling of celebrity: "Hey editor, I'm undeniable; hey doctor, I'm certifiable. ... What a match: I'm half-doomed and you're semi-sweet."

-- Bold prediction time: Drew Brees (4,683 yards) will pass Dan Marino for passing yards in a season this Sunday. I'm certain of this now. And I'm glad for Drew. Good for him. It will be a special moment, indeed. Oh, I might have forgotten to mention this: I'm talking about Dan's 1986 season in which he threw for 4,746 yards, good for fifth all-time.

Lost in all this record talk about Brees is the fact that even if he doesn't catch Dan's 1984 season (5,084 yards), he almost certainly will end up No. 2 on the all-time list, which is currently Warner's 2001 season (4,830).

But for the joke's sake, can't you just hear it now when Drew hits 64 yards passing Sunday? "He did it! He did it! He passed Dan Marino! Oh baby!"

PARTING SHOTS
Bake hands me a proof for me to check something on before giving it to Beth to make the corrections. An hour later, Bake comes by my desk to discover I haven't given it to Beth yet.

Bake: You haven't looked at this yet?
Me: Oh crap.
Bake: What are you waiting for? Christmas?

I send Brick a headline with Deuce's name spelled Decue.

Brick: Who is Decue (pronounced DQ)?
Me: Uh. Somebody the crowd cheers for at the Superdome?
Liam: You know who his sponsor is?
Me: Dairy Queen.
Liam: That's right. They call him The Blizzard.

THE DAILY TOP LIST
My favorite five TV Christmas episodes. Perhaps I shall watch these on Christmas.

5) How Lily Stole Christmas. How I Met Your Mother. Season 2.
When Lily discovers that Ted called her a grinch (actually, he calls her the "c" word, but they use grinch for the show's sake) on an old phone message, Lily takes all the Christmas decorations out of the apartment to punish him. They make up in a touching scene (there's beer involved, as usual) after Lily finds out that Ted gave Marshall the best Christmas present idea ever for her.

4) The One With the Girl from Poughkeepsie. Friends. Season 4.
Features a charming song by Phoebe: "Monica, Monica have a happy Hanukkah. Saw Santa Clause, he said hello to Ross. And please tell Joey, Christmas will be snowy."

3) A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas. Family Guy. Season 3.
Stewie plays the baby Jesus. The house burns down. Two Star Wars references. Lois goes completely nuts after getting fed up with Christmas and runs through town. She enters a black and white screen and pushes a guy yelling "I want to live!" off a bridge to his death. And Kiss is in it.

2) Christmas Party. The Office. Season 2.
Secret Santa goes horribly awry. Creed gets Jim a sweater that doesn't fit. The iPod gets passed around like a salt shaker. Meredith flashes Michael after having too much Vodka. Then, you cry when Jim gets Pam the most sentimental Christmas gift in the history of the world.

1) My Own Personal Jesus. Scrubs. Season 3.
Turk loses his faith after spending the night watching people die. He even refuses to go to Church. Until the hospital gets word of a 911 call about a pregnant teenager but with no location. Turk starts running toward the park, finds the girl under a Christmas tree and delivers the baby. A Christmas miracle, and Turk's faith is restored.

AT LEAST I DIDN'T SPEND A DIME.

At the real T-P Christmas party (not the one I went to), my dad won tickets to the Lakers-Hornets game. Yeah. That's right. At the real T-P Christmas party, they give away shit. Section 321. Sure, it's kind of behind the goal, and it was hard to tell if all those Lakers shots were really going through the net in the first half. But it was the first row. You can really tell the difference between the 11th row and the 1st row in the 300 section. Big-time.

Hornets record when I see a game with my 10-game package: 3-0.
Hornets record when I see a game without my 10-game package: 1-2.

Bobby Jindal addressed the crowd before the game. Oh boy, I thought. He might talk through halftime. Apparently, somebody with the Hornets put him on a clock because he only dragged on for about two minutes. Crisis avoided.

It seems that every time the Wasps play the Lakers, they fall way behind and attempt this incredible comeback. The rally Tuesday wasn't as big as the previous two times (from 32 to 4 - i think - and 16 to 3), but the pace of the game went the same. Close in the first quarter. Blowout in the second. Steady lead in third. Comeback in fourth.

The treatment Kobe gets is freaking ridiculous. We all know he gets these "superstar" calls. But some of the shit I saw Tuesday night. Man, the league should be downright embarrassed about.

This one time, Kobe made a nice move and tried a reverse dunk. The two Hornets defenders near him moved out of the way after realizing they couldn't stop the Black Mamba. Kobe then misses the dunk and falls flat on his ass (like the bitch he is). The official standing under the goal observes the situation, pauses for a second and then whistles for a foul. The crowd went nuts booing. I didn't bat an eye. I expect that crap.

This might be off topic, but fuck Kobe. I hate his little pompous attitude. I hate the fact he cheated on his wife and possibly raped a girl. I hate his selfishness. I hate how he tried to cast off Bynum and then did a 180, really on his entire supporting cast. I hate how the media decided collectively to pretend that he isn't an asshole and to treat him like some kind of saint. He might be one of the 10 best players ever, but fuck him. Fuck him.

Tuesday night was the first time I can remember not having fun at a Hornets game. I've been to plenty of losses, but I've never regretted going to the game until Tuesday. 1) They lost. 2) To the Lakers. 3) I knew the game was over in the second quarter. I didn't feel a rally. 4) There were no pretty girls in my section. 5) My dad embarrassed me.

You see, pops is a Celtics fan. You know who Celtics fans hate? The Lakers. But was his yelling directed at the Lakers like every other normal fan at the Arena? No. He just kept mouthing off about Byron Scott. Look, I'm no big Scott fan. (Especially if Money Brown continues to get heavy minutes. He was awful again Tuesday.) But I kept having to duck my head with my hand on my forehead and hope nobody was paying attention to my dad.

Dad: "They can't win this game. Byron Scott is a goddamn Laker. Always has been a fucking Laker. Ain't no way he wants to win this game. Because he's one of them." He said that about five or six times.

In the third quarter, a fan behind us yells randomly for Byron to coach 'em up in the huddle to spur a rally. Dad (in the fan's direction): "He ain't telling them shit in the huddle. He's for the Lakers. He won three titles with them, and he's one of them at heart. That's all he'll ever be. A fucking goddamn Laker. I don't know why you people can't see that."

I don't know how much our section heard of dad's proclamation. I had to get up at the end of every quarter and walk around in the concession area. I told him "that is enough" once, but he didn't listen.

I felt bad for the people around us trying to enjoy the game. I could tell the woman next to him was getting aggravated. She had that look on her face. I almost apologized to her after the game, but I didn't want pops to hear me.

Because then he wouldn't be shouting at Byron no more. He'd be shouting at me.

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom is explaining what I will eat for the next few days. She finishes: "On Thursday, you can eat whatever the fuck you want."

Mom got her first T-Mobile bill today. Darn. She opens it. "Uh-oh. What the fuck!" She reads the rest of the bill. "Fucking $35 for an activation fee. They didn't say nothing about no activation fee." A few minutes later. "Plus, I got charged for those fucking text messages." (You know, the ones where the Baton Rouge woman called her a whore.)

At first, mom thought I bought Season 1 of Pushing Daisies on DVD. I didn't, though. "You bought Pushing Daisies on DVD? A fucking two-season show." (Well, it should be more. Stupid ABC.)

FANTASY FEVER

Well, just as I thought. Paul beat the shit out of The Gene Poolers in the semifinals of our fantasy football league. He got huge games out of the Patriots kicker and Matt Casel. My big dippers (get it?) didn't put up numbers like they have been. The result: I'm in the third-place game this week with a chance to win my money back. Woo-hoo.

Our league is so messed up. I'm not playing in it next year unless it's fixed. We have an eight-team league. Yet somehow six teams make the playoffs. Are you fucking kidding me? We might as well have all eight make it.

This moronic system has yielded a championship game this week between the No. 5 seed and the No. 6 seed, who combined to go 13-15 in the regular season. I scored like 300 points more than these jabronis.

This would be like the Saints losing this week and being let in the playoffs. Then, they get all the right matchups and bingo-bango, they're in the Super Bowl. Could happen.

PARTING SHOT
As we're walking to the truck after the Hornets-Lakers game, a trio in front of us discusses the Wasps.

First guy: Yeah. They played bad.
Second guy: They need to get rid of all those guys but Posey.
First guy: Yup. Chandler's got to go. West. Man, he's got to go. And Peja. Gotta get rid of him.

THE DAILY TOP LIST
My top five Christmas carols

5) Little Drummer Boy
That beat gets stuck in my head for days.

4) Jingle Bell Rock / Jingle Bells
We used to have this stocking that played the tune when you shook it. It had little bells attached.

3) 12 Yats of Christmas
Gets me every time. Before you drive me nutz is the best. I'm surprised they haven't updated this sucker.

2) Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer
I still sing it the way I learned it in the first-grade. Examples: you would even say it glows, like a light bulb or and call him names, like Pinocchio or my favorite, join in any Reindeer games, like Monopoly.

1) Silent Night
Classic. Timeless.

PICTURE PERFECT 

I got these two Christmas cards in the past week. We have JRap's daughter Ana and Jelly's son Jack. I love these cards. Could they be any cuter? I have them next to each other on top of the TV in the living room. 

Ana gave me her card herself, along with a batch of sugar cookies, which I ate in about 35 minutes. Apparently, she loves me and told her parents she wanted to give me a Christmas present. Warms the heart. I think it's because I let her play with my wristbands that one time.

I have only met Jack once. Jelly is hogging him. I am really cheering for these two kids, though. Can't you hear the wedding bells now? Now, if only their parents would ever let them meet.

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

Mom wakes up and walks into the living room. "It's fucking cold out there."

I show mom a skit on SNL about calculators. She laughs at in and then says to me: "You remember when you used to have to buy a new fucking calculator every year?"

I start watching WWE's Tribute to the Troops from Iraq. I tell mom that the show will start with a message from George Bush. "You mean dick head?"

Mom and I are watching Million Dollar Password hosted by Regis Philbin. We love this show, but I keep making fun of it because Regis teases that the contestant has a chance to win $1 million like every 13 seconds. In reality, nobody will ever come close to winning the million. There's a better chance of me getting an apartment with Brett Favre. Mom is mad because I keep mocking Regis. "Gene, you're so fucking arrogant."

I'm hustling out the door to make it to work in time. "I've never heard of someone who thinks he can wake up at fucking 3 o'clock (actually, I awoke at 2:37) in the afternoon and expect to make it to work for 4."

WE COULDN'T FIT IN HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS

I love the 12 Yats of Christmas (see tomorrow's top list). I thought out loud at the Fox and Hound Sunday that there are a lot of 12 somethings (days, yats, pains) of Christmas, but no somethings of Hanukkah. What's up with that? So, Bert and I took to writing one.

We decided to call our song The Eight Days of Hanukkah. We just started singing and whatever somebody could think of on the spot, we went with it. We then changed some of them around, refined the words and declared it a masterpiece.

Disclaimer: This in no way is meant to be offensive. It's all in good fun.

On the first day of Hanukkah my true Jew gave to me: a beanie to put on my head.
On the second day of Hanukkah my true Jew gave to me: two dreidel spins
On the third day of Hanukkah my true Jew gave to me: three kosher meals
On the fourth day of Hanukkah my true Jew gave to me: four wise accountants
On the fifth day of Hanukkah my true Jew gave to me: five Torah books
On the sixth day of Hanukkah my true Jew gave to me: six stars of David
On the seventh day of Hanukkah my true Jew gave to me: seven kids' bar mitzvahs
On the eighth day of Hanukkah my true Jew gave to me: eight lit menorahs

Now, sing it like the 12 Days of Christmas. Isn't that fun? Hey, if Adam Sandler can popularize such a song, so can I.

PARTING SHOT
Marcus and I had this convo online.

Marcus: Jan. 3 is a Saturday.
Marcus: Get a date.
Me: Where we going?
Me: You know, me, you, your wife and my date.
Marcus: I don't think my wife wants to hang out with three dudes: you, me and Paul.

THE DAILY TOP LIST
My five favorite things about Christmas. The first in a week of Christmas lists.

5) No traffic for the week.
I hate traffic.

4) Opening presents.
Mostly from when I was a kid. Sometimes I'd rip off the wrapping real quick. Other times I'd take off the wrapping real neatly.

3) Christmas carols.
Top five tomorrow.

2) Mom's meatballs.
You haven't lived until you've had them. She rolled 96 of them Sunday.

1) The spirit.
Every body's in more of an uplifted mood. People are nicer to each other. More smiling. That make me happy.

SHOULDN'T THE NFC NORTH HAVE A TEAM CALLED THE TIGERS?

I was glad to see the Saints just beat the ever living shit out of the Lions. I hear Drew Brees even went over to a Detroit cornerback and collected his $200. I hope the 35,000 (maybe more) idiot fans who kept saying, "Oh, the Saints are going to lose to the Lions. Just you watch. They gonna give that sorry-ass team their first win" feel like jackasses now.

I taped the game and will watch it all later. I only saw about half of it Sunday because I was fully into the Dolphins-Chiefs slobber knocker. Bring on the goddamn Jets.

If you would have told me in September that the Dolphins would enter the final week of the season in control of the AFC East, I would have asked you to apologize for trying to toy with my emotions. The Dolphins did what they do best Sunday: They sucked less than the Chiefs. Thanks for the easy interception, Tyler Thigpen.

Paul and I went to the Fox & Hound as usual. This time, however, we were joined by Jacob and Bert (aka the Miller boys) and Kelly. I got there at 12:13 p.m. Apparently, the waitress tried to bet Jacob that I would sit down and order the chicken tenders. I didn't know about this when I arrived. I swear.

This is the same waitress from last week. I thought her name was Caroline. She looks like a Caroline. Actually, her name is Faren. Pronounced Karen with an "F."

Faren: What would you like?
Me: I'm going to mix it up today. Give me the cheddar cheese burger.
Faren: Are you kidding me?
Me: No. That's what I ...
Faren: I just tried to bet him you would order the chicken fingers. The one time. I can't believe you. (She slaps me on the shoulder. Then she talks to Jacob:) He comes in here every week and orders chicken tenders. He never finishes them.

The rest of the kiddies stayed for the 3 o'clock games as I paid my bill with a card after the nooners. Faren takes the thingy the bill comes in after I signed it and as she's leaving says: "Thanks. Love ya'll."

Two notes from the football conversation we had at F&H

1) I was the only one at the table who doesn't like T.O. Talk about bizzaro world. What the bleep is wrong with these people? They said the media makes it look like every thing's his fault, even when he says the right thing. I guess that's their receiver. And if we judge them for that, it's really not fair.

2) Jacob really likes Roethlisberger. I don't mind him myself. Ben had a bad day Sunday, but after he made a nice play early, Jacob wanted a replay. Jacob: "Roll that beautiful footage again."

I told him the turn of phrase he used is similar to the "Roll that beautiful bean footage" commercial. So, I told him he should modify his phrase to completely resemble the commercial.

Me: Something like, "Roll that beautiful TD footage."
Jacob: I got it. "Roll that beautiful Ben footage."

I love it. I demand a commercial.

Saints notes

1) Brees needs 402 yards for the record. I would say no shot, but the Panthers will be trying to win to get a bye. I think Payton will purposely devise a defensive strategy that allows Carolina to score. (Which shouldn't be too difficult.) That way, he can have his boy Drew throw the ball about 65 times.

For the record, I wouldn't mind if he hit 5,000. I could live with that. Just remember this if Drew does surpass Marino: Dan's 1984 season is still (and will forever be) the greatest season ever by a QB: 5,084 yards, 48 TDs, 14-2 record.

2) Saints record against teams under .500: 6-0.
Saints record against teams above .500: 2-7.
Saints record when I watch with Paul: 0-4.
Saints record when I watch with Paul and others: 1-0.

3) If the Saints would have won out (thanks a lot, Chicago), here's what they would need in the final week to make the playoffs
a) Eagles over Cowboys
b) Raiders over Bucs

And you thought I was crazy when I said it could happen all those weeks ago.

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom is watching Nip/Tuck. I recognize a character from Heroes. "Her? She's the one that ends up getting fucked off the balcony." I ask for an explanation. "Yeah. They were fucking on the balcony, and she fell off to her death." (Lovely.)

Mom is cleaning the house. She's in my back room. You know what that means? "This is a nice-sized room. You could have a nice setup in here, invite some friends over with a big screen TV. But all you use in here is this desk with all these papers. These stacks of papers. This could be nice. But nooooooo. You got all this bullshit."

TV WEEK IN REVIEW

Best Christmas song. How I Met Your Mother. Barney sees a picture of Ted's kid sister and sings a parody of "I Wish You a Merry Christmas." Barney: "I wish I could see her naked. I wish I could see her naked. I wish I could see her naked and down on all fours."

Best scene. Heroes. As Pinehurst is about to explode, Peter stabs himself with the formula. His powers apparently, restart, and he grabs his brother and flies out of there. Perfect ending, especially in light of how Volume I ended.

Mid-season report. I've really enjoyed the season so far. None of my shows have pissed me off. I look forward to about six of them so much every week I can hardly control myself. And good lord, I'm adding three new shows in January. As the stupid-ass schedule works out, I'm going to be watching 8 hours of programming on Mondays. Eight.

This week's rant. Good bye, new friend. I'm so disappointed in ABC for cancelling Pushing Daisies. Sure, it wasn't the biggest ratings-getter. But it has a solid fan base (oh yeah, I've read outrage on the Internet).

Maybe, ABC, just maybe, if you had promoted it better. Oh, wait. You didn't promote it at all. You didn't let it come back after the strike in the Spring. You didn't put it in a favorable time slot. Basically, you wanted it to die. Too bad Ned can't bring it back to life for good with his magic finger and have Private Practice keel over and die.

The facts are these: The show had a great element of fantasy. It was well-acted. Great production. Solid storylines. Intriguing plot arcs. Eye candy. Romance. Humor. Drama. Murder mystery. And the cute little thing where the overhead voice said the years, months, hours and minutes the dead person was alive for.

PARTING SHOTS
There is a running joke that Jelly is an agent for Lopes and me. (From Saturday night.)

Marcus (to Jelly): If you're their agent, how are you getting paid?
Me: Love.

Jelly tells me that Nicholls State is 0-9 under DoBee (former Loyola coach).

Jelly: Wait. It says the team is 0-9, but she's 0-10 as the coach.
Liam: Well, when you lose nine, you get your 10th one free.

Bake is not happy about having to go to Baton Rouge for Christmas.

Bake: I'm going, 'I just want to stay home on Christmas and play with my new toys.' (Pause.) And so does my son.

THE DAILY TOP LIST
My top 10 teen movies.

10) Drive Me Crazy. 1999.
Taught me that the cool kids ain't so cool.

9) Bring it On. 2000.
I've got spirit fingers. Yes I do.

8) Cruel Intentions. 1999.
"We're related." "Only by marriage."

7) The Breakfast Club. 1985.
You hear that? That's the sound of people gasping because it isn't higher.

6) Risky Business. 1983.
I've got a trig midterm tomorrow, and I'm being chased by Guido, the killer pimp.

5) Ferris Bueller's Day Off. 1986.
Bueller? Bueller?

4) Varsity Blues. 1999.
Amy Smart or Ali Larter? Oh, the questions of life.

3) American Pie. 1999.
Shannon Elizabeth is a personal friend of mine.

2) Not Another Teen Movie. 2001.
Parodies all the other movies on this list and then some. Also, has there been a good teen movie since?

1) Can't Hardly Wait. 1998.
One of my all-time favorites. At one point, I had almost the entire thing memorized.

I DON'T HAVE A GOLDEN TICKET.

Ever since Paul and I went to Lafayette for that cancelled 3 Doors Down concert September 23, I've been checking periodically on the band's Web site for a makeup date. On Saturday, I finally saw one: Friday, February 13. I then call Ticketmaster to find out how the tickets work for the new concert. Seventeen minutes later, I got an answer.

I'm pretty sure Ticketmaster doesn't want to take any calls. They want everything to go down online. Except you can't get certain answers on that Internet. You gots to do it the old-timers way: on the telephone.

I was on hold for 16 of those 17 minutes, and about 13 times a recording broke into the on-hold music to tell me that I can do everything online: search for events, buy tickets, e-mail questions to customer service, etc. I don't think so, buddy. I'm staying on the goddamn phone until you bastards answer my question, I responded once.

When you first call, Ticketmaster gives you nine options (buy tickets, cancel tickets, etc.). None of them applied to me. So, I got put on hold. The Ticketmaster recording comes on a few minutes into me holding: "Taking your call is our priority. Thank you for your patience." I would have stayed on hold all night if that's what it took.

At the 11-minute mark, an operator comes on. I explain the situation. "Oh, OK, sir. I'm going to have to transfer you to someone in customer service to answer that." Who in the name of convenience charges was I talking to if she wasn't in customer service? The CEO's secretary? If you don't click any of the options, shouldn't that then send you to customer service? Ugh.

I then waited another five minutes to talk to Sergio (you know Sergio?), the customer service person. During my wait, the recording came back. Ah, the beautiful recording voice. "We are experiencing an unusually high volume of calls. The next available representative will be with you. Your call is important to us. ... All representatives are still busy." Look, recording voice lady. I ain't hanging up the phone. So quit it with your bullshit.

After I explain the situation to Sergio (who didn't seem to grasp the concept of a cancelled concert rescheduling), he asks me for my credit card number used to purchase the tickets. He doesn't find the 3 Doors Down tickets on the account.

Sergio: Are you sure you purchased these tickets using this credit card?
Me: Yes. I'm sure.
Sergio: Well, the last thing I have on this account is WWE Smackdown in June.
Me: I used that credit card to purchase 3 Doors Down tickets from Ticketmaster at Major Video in August.
Sergio: You bought them at the rental store?
Me: Yes.
Sergio. Oh. Well, you have to go to that store to handle getting your money back or whatever.

I then thanked him for his time. In the end, he seemed to understand the situation. He couldn't help me, but that wasn't his fault. That is the system's fault. You mean to tell me Ticketmaster's customer service database doesn't record tickets I bought via Ticketmaster if the Ticketmaster is located inside a video store? What kind of bullshit is that?

That's just pathetic. I should have been able to buy new tickets or get some kind of credit toward future purchases on the phone with Sergio. Like Liam said after I told him what happened: "Ticketmaster sucks."

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

I tried for most of Saturday to sell mom on the idea of Netflix. At various points in the convo, she said:
1) I don't know what the fuck you did.
2) What you fucking do that for?
3) (After I told her to cancel HBO.) So, what. Now, I'm fucked?

Mom doesn't think she'll get a T-Mobile bill. "I think T-Mobile fucked up and didn't send me a bill. Might be a fuck-up."

Our back door is stuck and needs to be turned just right to open. "It first happened to me the other day. I thought I fucking locked myself out of the house."

Mom is pissed at the guy who won this year's Survivor. He won $1 million and also an extra $100,000 from an online fan vote. She expected him to give the $100,000 to the other two finalists who got squadouche. "I was like, 'What the fuck?' He kept the motherfucking 100 grand. Jesus."

I'm watching the Tar Heels increase their record to 11-0 (only 28 more to go for perfection). "This is a blowout. What the fuck you watching this for?" The scrubs get into the game for UNC. The announcer says that one of the kids is a walk-on. "A senior walk-on? What the fuck he's been doing this whole time?" I then explained to mom how walk-ons and scholarships work. "Fucking sports fucking rules academics every time."

ROADSIDE HUMOR

The Shimmy Shack is a restaurant not too far from my house. I pass it on the way home every night from work. I've never eaten there, though Brick and Derry have said it is good.

What I do get from the establishment is some wholesome, old-fashioned entertainment. They put these jokes (really plays on words, and who doesn't love those?) up on that sign thingy that's usually designated for specials and announcements. There's one on each side of the thingy. Here are the two that are up now:

1) The dentist and the manicurist fought tooth and nail.
2) Police were called to a nursery. A 3-year-old was resisting a rest.

I told these two to Tina. She said: "People have too much fucking time on their hands."

PARTING SHOTS
Marcus fumbles a piece of paper that goes near my eye.

Me: That was close to cutting my eye.
Marcus: Too bad.
Me: Do you really want to go to the hospital with me?
Marcus: Yeah. To get my foot out your ass.

At dinner, Jelly tells us that she thinks Bridget Moynahan got pregnant on purpose to try to get Tom Brady to stay with her. This resulted in a series of jokes relating football terminology to using protection. The best two:

Jelly: They ran the quarterback sneak.
Brick: They ran the two-minute drill.

Jelly is leaving work.

Marcus: Jelly, by this time tomorrow, I'll be wuppin your ass.

THE DAILY TOP LIST
The top five teams that are normally not my favorites that I really got behind.

5) 2008 Philadelphia Phillies.
I picked them to win from the beginning. I cheered for them in the playoffs. You know, once the Cubs decided they'd wait another year to break the curse.
Favorite player: Shane Victorino. aka. The Flying Hawaiian.

4) Gonzaga men's basketball. 1999-present.
Ever since that magical 1999 run to the Elite 8, I've been cheering for this program. I'll watch some of their conference games every year (always on past midnight) and cheer hard for them to advance in the Tournament.
Favorite player: Blake Stepp.

3) 2001 New England Patriots.
Before the playoffs, I picked them to win the Super Bowl. And they did. I thought it was such a terrific story how they lost their QB early, were 5-5 and then upset the Rams for the title. A few years later, they became the team I hate the most. Weird.
Favorite player: Ty Law.

2) 2002 Sacramento Kings.
I loved their style of basketball. On the other hand, I hated the Lakers. A perfect match in the Western conference finals. I watched Game 6 from the NBA themed restaurant in Orlando and Game 7 (overtime) from an Orlando hotel. If the Kings could make foul shots (16-of-30 in Game 7) or Peja didn't airball a wide-open 3 late, the Kings would have won. Great series, though.
Favorite player: Mike Bibby.

1) 2001 Arizona Diamondbacks.
The Evil Empire hasn't been the same since. I ran around the house for about 10 minutes after Luis Gonzalez got the winning hit in Game 7. Mark Grace even started the ninth-inning rally. I bought a World Series shirt. Ironically, this team is now on my shit list.
Favorite player: Besides Grace, Curt Schilling.