I FEEL PRETTY AND WITTY AND BRIGHT

YOU DECIDE WHO WON

On the Sunday night before Christmas and Christmas night itself, we ended up at Kelly and Bert's for impromptu game nights. 

We played a game Kelly picked up on Black Friday called Wits and Wagers. Questions are basically guess a number, percentage or date. Each player takes a guess, and the answers are lined up in order. You then bet -- you can bet on yourself or any other answer -- on which answer you think is closest without going over. 

After playing twice, Bert has proven to be the best. His guesses are straight up ridiculous. He's gotten the exact answer right several times. Me: so, did you just know that? Him: no, just figured it was around there. 

But the first time we played, he hadn't hit his stride yet. In that first game, Kelly and I tied. The group wondered aloud about the tiebreaker. I had read the rules and explained that we ask one more question and the closest wins. 

Question: What percentage of Americans admit to texting while driving? I wrote 34 percent and Kelly 41 perecnt. The answer is 37 percent, so I won by one percent. Oh the excitement!

Me: Of course, I made that tiebreaker up, though it was certainly a more dramatic solution. The actual rules say the youngest player in a tie wins. 

Kelly: Oh my god! I won! I won! 

Me: It is the lamest rule ever. 

Kelly: Shut up! I won!

So readers, who won? Do you choose the dumb makers of the game and Kelly? Or the agreed upon tiebreaker that was totally fair and legitimate and me?

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom was upset that I was in a rush to eat lunch Monday. "You think I'm a robot with an energizer bunny up my ass."

I tell mom that Obama is watching the DVDs of Breaking Bad. "Probably watching in the fucking Oval Office."

Mom has had it with the neighbors. "Fucking people are killing my fucking lawn. Ruined their side and now ruining my side. Ain't fuck I can do about it. Fucking trash people, man."

TIS THE SEASON

On Christmas Eve, I stopped by mom grandma's house. My 2-year-old second cousin reminds me of myself at a young age. No socialization. Only wants to wrestle and jump on everything. Has my long blonde hair. 

And the kicker is that he is skinny -- and both his parents are heavy. So I think he got the family gene -- pun intended -- that I did. 

I wonder if Jeremiah -- I don't pick the family names -- is also going to grow up to be handsome and brilliant. 

After that, it was off to Tina's, where we watched The Sting. A 1973 classic. 

Here's what Tina cooked the week of Christmas. All if these, as usual, had several servings. 

Friday: spaghetti and meatballs. 

Saturday: the soup mentioned in the last post

Tuesday: more spaghetti and eggplant

Wednesday: pork chops with fries

And here are my favorite presents Tina got me. 

 

PICTURES FROM CHRISTMAS PARTIES

I WENT AS JIMMY CHITWOOD

Our office had a Christmas party last Friday, which is the first time we've done anything like a traditional office in some time. We don't do secret Santa or Super Bowl pools or have a water cooler. 

Tina made the meatballs, which were met with universal praise. Also you can see three of the four cakes we had. And the booze. Did I mention this party was during work?

In this shot, you can see the sandwiches, bacon-wrapped chicken and shrimp. There was also fried wings, salad and cheese. 

It was the second-best office party I've ever been to, even if half the employees no-showed because it wasn't worth their time. 

It's not Christmas season until mom makes her soup. It's corn, crabmeat, shrimp, celery and red pepper. I will eat a bowl of this stuff every day for the next 10 days. There's a lot and only two of us eating it. 

Kelly got me this cool Arrested Development shirt, among other stuff. Buster is my favorite on here. 

That's the snack spread at Bert and Kelly's Christmas party on Saturday night. The main dish was Bert's gumbo. I had three bowls. 

The theme for this year was dress as your favorite 1980s movie character. Paul, of course, broke the rules and came as The Jerk, which came out in 1979. Was it that difficult to follow the rules? It's a fucking 10-year span?

Greg came as Bender from The Breakfast Club. Nicely done. Other good costumes included David and Sarah as Darth Vader and Princess Leia and Bert and Kelly as the Keymaster/Gatekeeper from Ghostbusters. 

I don't have an explanation for this. But just know that the next morning when it was suggested we eat in the car, Kelly said, "I am not white trash. I eat my breakfast in restaurants."

Our fantasy league bought a belt that the winner gets to keep for the next year. Joe was last year's champ and had to return the belt at the Christmas party. 

Paul and Pee-wee were scheduled to square off the next day in the championship. Call this the official weigh-in. I hope we take a picture like this every year. 

And what weigh-in would be complete without a little trash talk. 

Paul: You call that a stare? 

Pee-wee: You call that a face? 

(Matt, err, Pee-wee, won by blowout.)

This was the sixth year of the Rectum fantasy league. Here are the four previous  champions, all present at the Christmas party. The fifth champion we kicked out the league, so that year is vacant. 

It was another successful Bert and Kelly Christmas party. I got just the right amount of drunk. I got a gift card to The Bulldog in Steal a Gift. Some folks broke the swing outside. 

Nicole and I defeated Bert and Leigh in beer pong. Both teams had one cup left. After many, many misses, they finally made one out of two of their balls on their turn. 

So we had a chance to tie. Nicole went first and made it. That tied it. I let mine go and knew right away that it was in. Two balls in one cup for the victory. 

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom recently learned of the existence of Candy Crush. "They say it's fucking addictive."

Mom and I are discussing best ofs for 2013. I ask what the biggest fad was. Mom: "That fucking song on the Internet. What does the fox say?"

IS THAT A FELONY?

SUNDAY FUNDAY

Sunday was quite an eventful TV day for me. I arrived at the Fox at 12:05 for the noon games. And I didn't stop watching TV until I went to bed. 

Bert and I bet on three NFL games. The only one at noon was we picked the Jaguars, but when the Bills beat them, our entire bet went down the tubes. Out of nine weeks betting, we have won once. 

The Dolphins defeated the evil Tom Brady  and his band of Patriots. So that was good. Even prevented a patented Brady late-game comeback. 

The Saints then came on, and that was a miserable three-plus hours. Man, this team looks so bad when it's not a night game in the Done. The line can't block, receivers can't get open, backs can't find a hole or beak tackles and that no. 9 guy gives the ball to the other team. 

The rest of the night went like this: wrestling pay-per-view (so-so historic main event with a good ending); Family Guy (Brian lives and the stupid other dog is gone. Time machines rule!); Psych the Musical (just a long episode with a couple decent songs); Homeland finale (really intense first half; boring second half). 

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom is obsessed with North West. "Have you seen the kid? She's fucking adorable."

Mom thinks all mixed race babies are cute. Kim and Kanye's are no exception. 

Mom: He's definitely black. She's definitely white. 

Me: No, ma. She's not white. 

Mom: What the fuck you think she is?

Mom was over Tuesday to clean my house. She didn't like a particular part. "Jesus, look at this fucking room."

SEASON'S GREETINGS

Check out this holiday card I got in the mail. 

Isn't that sweet? I am proudly displaying it in my living room. 

It came from a family friend of the people who used to live here before the people I bought the house from. 

CAN I GET A HANDLE ON THINGS?

CUZ IT'S ONE. TWO. THREE STRIKES. 

My mind was elsewhere Monday when I headed to the grocery. The main problem I discovered in the parking lot of the grocery was that I forgot my wallet. 

So I went back home, retrieved my wallet  and went back to the grocery. I bought milk, bananas and water. 

I tell you this because later in the evening I went with Bert and Kelly to our softball playoff game. On the way to City Park, I realized that I had never taken my groceries out of the car. Strike two. 

As for the softball game, we lost in the semifinals. After the fourth inning, the Apple Dumpling Gang led Pitch Please 11-10. Unfortunately, the game had several innings left. We actually lost by the 10-run rule during the sixth inning. 

I had three hits, three runs and an RBI. I also made a dead sprint shoestring catch. So no strike three for me, right? Wrong. 

We ate at Bud's postgame. Good food for getting over the depression of losing. I actually hadn't eaten there in almost a year. 

At Bud's, Kelly looked at me and said: "Is your shirt on backward?"

Well, yes. Yes it was. And there was strike three. 

I might have hit two screaming doubles and beat the tag on one with a nice slide, but I did it all with my shirt on backward. Not the jersey shirt but the long sleeve undershirt. 

Little Joe and I got milkshakes to go. There's no story there. Just thought you should know. 

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom has been playing her Wii as of late. Mainly, she's bowling. "I'm trying to beat that fucking 223 high score. Had six strikes in the row the other day. Then I fucked it up. I tried to play baseball. But I didn't understand what the fuck was going on."

Mom says that Chase had a problem the other day. "Somebody hacked into the motherfucker. Fucking computers. They say you can't believe the shit you see in movies, but it can be done."

On the Sons of Anarchy season finale, mom's favorite character, Tara, died. "Stabbed with a fucking fork. And then drowned in a sink."

Mom is trying to load a video on her computer. She doesn't like the pop-up ads. "Fucking shut the fuck up."

Mom had to pay her ticket for speeding in a school zone. "300 and 50 fucking dollars. More than my fucking taxes."

I tell mom that the city pays the bills with ticket money. "I don't give a fuck. They're like the keystone cops down there at court. They all there sucking on tootsie rolls."

Then later about the court process. "It's a joke. A big fucking joke."

HULKING UP

I've been watching old WrestleManias, and the power of Hulkamania has taken over my body. Look what happened when I went to take clothes out the dryer Wednesday night. 

Ripped the handle right off. 

I FOUGHT AS THE INCREDIBLE HULK

THIS IS WHAT'S UP WITH ME

Thanksgiving was awesome. I watched all three football games with two rounds of turkey. The neighbors had a feast lined up in which I partook in turkey, two kinds of mac and cheese and apple pie. 

The best part was the apple pie. Kelly made three of them. I had two pieces Thursday, two Saturday and one Sunday. It was the best pie I've ever eaten. 

Bert's cousin and her family also came. Her 3-year-old was full of energy and best the crap out of Jacob and me. We then colored together. Here's my work:

Other notes

-- My new catchphrase I've been using is "Get some." 

-- It's been difficult to stop using Hornets when referring to the local professional basketball team. I recently stopped mixing it up, but I hear people quite often calling the Pelicans the Hornets. My response is now always: "The Hornets don't play until next year."

-- I learned that Metairie means "small tenant farm" in French. Property owners up until the early 1900s paid their "mortgage" with produce. Shit, I can grow tomatoes. That would be much cheaper than my monthly payment. 

-- Some songs when they come on remind me of the movie they were prominently featured in. Whenever "Paradise City" comes on, like it did on my iPod the other day, I can only think of William Lichter in "Can't Hardly Wait."

-- Also a joy on the iPod is hearing a song I haven't heard in years, especially one that had become so overplayed that it became universally disliked. But now, it's likeable again. That happened with Smash Mouth's "All-Star" last week. All that glitters is gold indeed. Get some. 

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom watched an extra scene on the DVD of season 5 of Breaking Bad. She asks me if Kelly has viewed the scene. Me: What do you think?

Mom: Fuck if I know. 

IS THE PRESIDENT ALIVE?

I recently watched "Olympus has Fallen" and "White House Down" in the same week. So which tale of the White House getting taken over by a small army trying to arm nuclear bombs while one man foils the plot is better? Hmmm. 

Olympus: Jeremy Renner is better than Channing Tatum. The plot is better. It's a tighter story as Down is way too long. 

Down: The use of the child is far superior. The bad guys are more fun and have many funny lines. But it's all just too much. There are like 20 explosions in the White House and too many gun battles where nobody dies. Jamie Foxx is a better president, and it's a more educational film with many White House facts (it was once called The Presidential Palace). 

The motives in Down are much more confusing. And the twist is just there to have a twist. It's worthless really. My answer to which is better: Down was a bit more fun overall, but if I had to watch one of them again, it would be Olympus. 

But neither is as good as a four-episode story in Season 7 of 24 where the exact same thing happens. Give me Jack Bauer anyday of the week. 

SAINTLY SIGHTINGS

I haven't written about the Saints in a while. Here's what I've been thinking. 

1. The Saints haven't scored a touchdown in the second half in four of the past five games. Yikes. 

2. One thing being ignored in the Saints struggles is that the receivers can't get open. How many times has Brees dropped back to pass, had loads of time and then even more time and yet had no one to throw to, except the time he threw it to a 49er? Several times a game. 

He throws the ball away. You would think someone could break open after all that time. But no. So stop blaming just the offensive line for everything. 

3. The penalty on Ahmad Brooks a few weeks ago for hitting Brees in the neck and chin got a lot of media attention. A lot. But here's what wasn't said: The hit should have been avoided. 

Brees made the wrong read on the play, looking for Sproles, who didn't break open. By the time Brees realized this, he turned back to see his other options. As he turned, Brooks whacked him. Brooks was going to hit Brees clean until Brees turned into Brooks' hit. Bad luck for Brooks. 

But Brees could have avoided the whole thing if he had read the play correctly. Look at how open Graham is out of his break. 

Oops. The closest defender is off screen but not that close. And that is taken after Graham had taken three steps across the field with no defender there. 

4. If the Saints win the rest of their games in a dome this season, they will win the division and get a bye. Then they will win the divisional playoff game at home. So keep winning in domes equals NFC championship game. Maybe Seattle will be upset before then. 

5. Pierre Thomas continues to be the most underrated player in franchise history even as people keep agreeing with that statement.