CHAPTER FIVE: DRUNK DIAL
Where we left off: The Sylvia experiment didn't work out, and I decided to make a go of it with Megan. Just when things were going well, Megan got mad at me because I questioned why she would cheer for a skier wearing pink when, in fact, she loves pink. "But I love pink."
After turning around to play the next poker hand and folding quickly, I apologized for not realizing that she loved pink, taking her attention away from thinking there was someone else. It worked. I won $50 that night and bought us some ice cream on the way home.
Eating ice cream and cuddling that night was the last good memory I have of Megan. During the next two weeks, some of her negative personality traits (and I'm not just talking about her easiness) really started to jump out at me.
It all came to a head Saturday, January 26, 2008, at 3:30 a.m. We didn't hang out that Friday night for some reason, and I went to sleep at about 2:30 a.m. When my phone rang an hour later, I rolled over and answered it, because I figured it was important coming at such an hour.
It was Megan. The facts were these: She went out drinking with her friends at F&M's. She danced on the pool table. Some dude tried to get with her while they danced. She told him she had a boyfriend. ...
She didn't have as much to drink as her friend, so she drove her friend home. It was pouring rain. She decided to walk the mile from her friend's house to her dorm. She had high heels on. She was getting whistled at on the street and called me for comfort.
I stayed on the phone with her until she made it home. D thinks I was supposed to drive out there and rescue her. Nah, I was too tired. The actual conversation caused me to decide to break up with her.
1) She used the "f" word 67 times. (Yes, I counted.) Now, using the "f" word is fine with me. Obviously, I can live with that. But she just kept dropping it for no reason. F this and F that. It was a real turnoff.
2) It's pouring down rain. You have high heels on. It's past 3 a.m. You are tipsy. What the hell are you doing walking a mile in all of that?
Me: Why didn't you just sleep at your friend's house?
Megan: I don't know. Her couch isn't that comfy.
Let's see. She could have broken her ankle. She was afraid of being kidnapped. She could have been raped. She could have gotten pneumonia. And this wasn't the first hint to me that she wasn't on the bright side.
When I talked to Megan the next day, I arranged for a date for that Tuesday. I told her I'd pick her up for dinner after a meeting at work. She was excited. What she didn't know was that it was a break-up dinner.
TO BE CONTINUED. ...
THE TINA CURSING CORNER
A character on Harper's Island has thick, extended sideburns. My mom doesn't like the look. "What the fuck is that growth on the side of his face?"
Two characters are talking about camping.
Mom: You couldn't go camping.
Me: I know. Bugs. Snakes. The woods. ...
Mom: No fucking TV.
NOT UNTIL WINTER, THANK YOU
At church today, I was looking at the ads on the back page of the bulletin. There's a square for Reginelli's in Elmwood. Hmm, I think that might be a good spot for dinner Wednesday night.
Then, I see this location explanation next to the pic of the pizza. "Across the street from the Cocoa-Cola plant." Well, I didn't know the Coke people were expanding their horizons.
PARTING SHOT
I say something that grinds JRap's gears, and we have this good-natured exchange.
JRap: I'm gonna come over there and kick your ass.
Me: You know, you always threaten to do that, but I have yet to see any action.
Bake: Oh, he's throwing down the gauntlet.
JRap: Yeah. Well, I'm gonna throw him down.
THE DAILY TOP LIST
My top five memories of May.
5) Scrubs finale / Spilling a frosty in the parking lot / Pool party
You decide.
4) Lunch at City Park Bud's. 19th.
Bout time for another run to the Broiler if you ask me.
3) Rockets playoff run.
It felt good to finally get out of the first round. And I was proud of them for taking the Lakers to seven games.
2) Finishing 19th in poker tournament. 12th.
That drama should have been on TV.
1) Christina and Ronnie's wedding. 23rd.
I showed Tina the pictures I took in Sunday's entry, and she saw her name underneath the last one. I quickly scrolled up before she could read "Cursing Corner."
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Saturday, May 30, 2009
COINCIDENCE? I THINK NOT.
It was a night of coincidences at work Saturday night. Before I get to those, however, I'd like to announce two notes about facebook.
1) I just noticed that four (count them, four) people have recently deleted me as a friend. It could be more; who knows? Although it does hurt a little, I'm actually more surprised that some of my other "friends" haven't erased me. I mean, I don't even remember who some of these people are.
2) I have six facebook friends named David. Just thought I'd let you know.
OK, where was I? Oh, yeah. Here are the three coincidences from Saturday's festivities.
1) During FOX's broadcast of the Cubs-Dodgers game, the trivia question was: Who are the two second basemen in history with four consecutive seasons of 25 or more home runs?
We didn't bother waiting for the answer. We looked it up on the Internets. One of the answers is Ryne Sandberg from 1989-92. (The other, figured out by me, is Alfonso Soriano.) The coincidence is that Derry wore his Sandberg jersey to work. It's like he knew.
2) Toward the end of the shift, Liam, Jelly and I had a discussion about bromances. I gave Liam, a newcomer to the term, the examples of Norm and Cliff and Andy and Red. Then later, we get handed proofs of the front page. The main picture is two LSU guys in a tight embrace after winning Saturday.
Liam: Speaking of bromances. ... Is that a cup in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
3) At the beginning of the shift, Liam and I are discussing the outlook for this summer's comedies. We agree that The Hangover could be really funny but that everything else looks like shit. Liam observes that the new Jack Black comedy has already been done before with "Caveman" from the early 1980s.
After I inform Liam that I've never heard of it, he explains the plot of the movie (the love triangle sounded like the premise from the early seasons of Grey's Anatomy) and pulls up some information on it. He tells me it was funny. I've heard of a lot of people in it. Interesting.
Much later in the shift, I'm doing something on my computer when my ears pick up sprinkles of a conversation on the other side of our department between Derry, Brick and JRap. They are discussing a comedy.
Me: Uh, what movie are ya'll talking about over there?
Derry: Caveman.
Me: No freakin' way. That is unbelievable.
Liam: We were talking about that earlier (when ya'll weren't here).
Derry: You should put that on your Netflix. It's funny.
What are the odds of us having two completely separate, random conversations about a not-often-mentioned 80s comedy in one night? Well, now that I put it like that, I'm surprised it doesn't happen more often around here.
What's next? Two philosophical breakdowns of Armed and Dangerous?
THE TINA CURSING CORNER
My mom comes into the living room exhausted from using her treadmill. "That incline'll fucking kill ya."
Mom is folding clothes. "Where's the other sock? Shit." Earlier, she was outside. "No. Dammit. You are such a stupid ass, Tina. Dammit."
Mom reads the story in the paper about the two cops arrested for beating the crap out of two kids with paintball guns. "You see those two cops got arrested? They think they so gun-ho once they get that fucking gun and badge. Think they can do anything. They might have fucked with the wrong people. Those kids' parents might be important. They (the cops) assholes."
Mom sees the Hulu commercial with Dennis Leary. "This guy's fucking hilarious."
PARTING SHOTS
Jelly arrived at work an hour before she thought she would Saturday.
Jelly (to Brick): That thing got over much earlier than expected.
Liam: That's what she said.
JRap can't quite figure out if May has 30 or 31 days. Brick asks me to sing JRap the "Month Song." I say it quickly.
JRap: What is it again? One more time, please.
Derry: May has 31 days. Now, shut the fuck up.
THE DAILY TOP LIST
The top five movies that remind me of a girl.
5) The Mummy. 1999.
I met my first girlfriend at the show when we saw this with mutual friends.
4) Planet of the Apes. 2001.
Took in this classic (yeah, right) on a first date. I always think of her when I see it mentioned because she was hot, and we made out. I also watched it with Regina one night and had the other girl in my head.
3) Drive Me Crazy. 1999.
That summer, I had a crush on this girl. She had a crush on me, too. It never worked out, however, and seeing this at the theatre was the last time I hung out with her.
2) Miracle. 2004.
a) On my only Valentine's date, I went to view this picture. There wasn't another date after it.
b) I was trying to set up a sort-of-date during college to watch this. Chuck overhears the conversation about Miracle and chimes in: "Miracle! I love that movie. Can I watch, too?" He later apologized. The date never happened. I think it's funny now.
1) Bridget Jones's Diary. 2001.
I'd rather not get into the details for either story.
It was a night of coincidences at work Saturday night. Before I get to those, however, I'd like to announce two notes about facebook.
1) I just noticed that four (count them, four) people have recently deleted me as a friend. It could be more; who knows? Although it does hurt a little, I'm actually more surprised that some of my other "friends" haven't erased me. I mean, I don't even remember who some of these people are.
2) I have six facebook friends named David. Just thought I'd let you know.
OK, where was I? Oh, yeah. Here are the three coincidences from Saturday's festivities.
1) During FOX's broadcast of the Cubs-Dodgers game, the trivia question was: Who are the two second basemen in history with four consecutive seasons of 25 or more home runs?
We didn't bother waiting for the answer. We looked it up on the Internets. One of the answers is Ryne Sandberg from 1989-92. (The other, figured out by me, is Alfonso Soriano.) The coincidence is that Derry wore his Sandberg jersey to work. It's like he knew.
2) Toward the end of the shift, Liam, Jelly and I had a discussion about bromances. I gave Liam, a newcomer to the term, the examples of Norm and Cliff and Andy and Red. Then later, we get handed proofs of the front page. The main picture is two LSU guys in a tight embrace after winning Saturday.
Liam: Speaking of bromances. ... Is that a cup in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
3) At the beginning of the shift, Liam and I are discussing the outlook for this summer's comedies. We agree that The Hangover could be really funny but that everything else looks like shit. Liam observes that the new Jack Black comedy has already been done before with "Caveman" from the early 1980s.
After I inform Liam that I've never heard of it, he explains the plot of the movie (the love triangle sounded like the premise from the early seasons of Grey's Anatomy) and pulls up some information on it. He tells me it was funny. I've heard of a lot of people in it. Interesting.
Much later in the shift, I'm doing something on my computer when my ears pick up sprinkles of a conversation on the other side of our department between Derry, Brick and JRap. They are discussing a comedy.
Me: Uh, what movie are ya'll talking about over there?
Derry: Caveman.
Me: No freakin' way. That is unbelievable.
Liam: We were talking about that earlier (when ya'll weren't here).
Derry: You should put that on your Netflix. It's funny.
What are the odds of us having two completely separate, random conversations about a not-often-mentioned 80s comedy in one night? Well, now that I put it like that, I'm surprised it doesn't happen more often around here.
What's next? Two philosophical breakdowns of Armed and Dangerous?
THE TINA CURSING CORNER
My mom comes into the living room exhausted from using her treadmill. "That incline'll fucking kill ya."
Mom is folding clothes. "Where's the other sock? Shit." Earlier, she was outside. "No. Dammit. You are such a stupid ass, Tina. Dammit."
Mom reads the story in the paper about the two cops arrested for beating the crap out of two kids with paintball guns. "You see those two cops got arrested? They think they so gun-ho once they get that fucking gun and badge. Think they can do anything. They might have fucked with the wrong people. Those kids' parents might be important. They (the cops) assholes."
Mom sees the Hulu commercial with Dennis Leary. "This guy's fucking hilarious."
PARTING SHOTS
Jelly arrived at work an hour before she thought she would Saturday.
Jelly (to Brick): That thing got over much earlier than expected.
Liam: That's what she said.
JRap can't quite figure out if May has 30 or 31 days. Brick asks me to sing JRap the "Month Song." I say it quickly.
JRap: What is it again? One more time, please.
Derry: May has 31 days. Now, shut the fuck up.
THE DAILY TOP LIST
The top five movies that remind me of a girl.
5) The Mummy. 1999.
I met my first girlfriend at the show when we saw this with mutual friends.
4) Planet of the Apes. 2001.
Took in this classic (yeah, right) on a first date. I always think of her when I see it mentioned because she was hot, and we made out. I also watched it with Regina one night and had the other girl in my head.
3) Drive Me Crazy. 1999.
That summer, I had a crush on this girl. She had a crush on me, too. It never worked out, however, and seeing this at the theatre was the last time I hung out with her.
2) Miracle. 2004.
a) On my only Valentine's date, I went to view this picture. There wasn't another date after it.
b) I was trying to set up a sort-of-date during college to watch this. Chuck overhears the conversation about Miracle and chimes in: "Miracle! I love that movie. Can I watch, too?" He later apologized. The date never happened. I think it's funny now.
1) Bridget Jones's Diary. 2001.
I'd rather not get into the details for either story.
Friday, May 29, 2009
SCREW YOU, KOBE
First, he rips out my heart by beating the Rockets to a pulp in Game 7. Then, he destroys the Nuggets two games in a row to wrap up the series by being, of all things, unselfish. What the hell, man?
I guess he is unstoppable. And how do you stop the unstoppable? Yeah, those commercials aggravate me. How can LeBron get a triple double on Kobe in a one-on-one game? Blocks or steals? Come on. The puppet meant assists.
Then, there's Kobe Doin' Work. It should have been titled: Kobe Doin' Work to Repair his Image that He Destroyed When He Hooked It Up in a Colorado Hotel.
Sorry, I'm just venting. I lost a dinner bet to Derry on the Lakers-Nuggets series. Why didn't I bet a coke? A dinner bet with Derry? What was I thinking?
THE TINA CURSING CORNER
I walk into the living room Friday at midday.
My mom: Ya'll got boxes at work? Like the paper comes in.
Me: No.
Mom: Paper comes in fucking boxes!
Mom was busy Friday. "I can't even lay in my own fucking pool."
Mom was in the pool for a short period earlier in the day. Well, until she got a call. "Motherfuck. Every time I'm about to get some good sleep, the phone rings."
I'm watching the LSU game on CST, and it's about that time to take a shower before work.
Me: It's times like this that I wish we had cable on that TV, so I could take a shower and then rewind the TV to catch-up.
Mom: What do you want me to do? It's a fucked-up situation.
We're watching the second disc of Season 4 of Lost. "Who the fuck is the captain?"
Mom is watching So You Think You Can Dance while I'm watching the LSU game. "They trying to do a fucking routine from last year. The judge is like, 'What the fuck?' ... Let's get some fucking dancers on the stage. Fucking thirty minutes, and we ain't had one good dancer."
PARTING SHOTS
Liam was forced to take a short break early in the shift Friday. He had trouble getting back into the groove.
Liam: It's like a rain delay. I need to warm up again.
Brick: Need about 15 minutes? Gene, get him loose.
(This led to several more "Gene, get him loose" jokes throughout the night. I didn't say a word during any of this.)
I don't know the lead-in to this conversation.
JRap: Muskrat Love's your favorite song?
Brick: I especially like the Britney Spears version.
Liam: No. That's Mousketeer Love.
THE DAILY TOP LIST
My favorite five sound bytes from coaches of teams I cheer for.
5) Mike Ditka. Saints.
The team was struggling in Iron Mike's first season here in 1997. He was trying to rush through a press conference by continuing to say, "Next."
Reporter: Mike, why are you in such a bad mood?
Mike: What do you care?
Reporter: (Inaudible.)
Mike: Ok. If you were 2-7, you'd be in a bad mood, too.
4) Roy Williams. UNC.
Roy's Kansas Jayhawks lost in the national championship to Syracuse at the Superdome in 2003. Bonnie Berstein then asks him about taking the Tar Heel job. Roy: "I could give a shit about North Carolina right now." Oh, you lie, Roy. You lie.
3) Rudy T. Rockets.
After winning a second NBA title in a row, Rudy T has something to say to the haters out there: "Don't ever underestimate the heart of a champion!" Amen, brother. Amen.
2) Les Miles. LSU.
Amongst rumors that he would take the job at Michigan, Les called a press conference before the SEC championship in 2007. "I'm excited about the opportunity of my damn strong football team to play in it. ... Please ask me after. I'm busy. Thank you very much. Have a great day." I did.
1) Jim Mora. Saints.
In 1996, the Saints lost on the road to the Panthers 19-7. Mora didn't have many kind words to say about the team's performance. "We couldn't do diddly-poo offensively. We couldn't make a first down. ... We sucked. The second half, we sucked. ... It was a horseshit performance in the second half. ... We got our ass kicked in the second half. It sucked."
First, he rips out my heart by beating the Rockets to a pulp in Game 7. Then, he destroys the Nuggets two games in a row to wrap up the series by being, of all things, unselfish. What the hell, man?
I guess he is unstoppable. And how do you stop the unstoppable? Yeah, those commercials aggravate me. How can LeBron get a triple double on Kobe in a one-on-one game? Blocks or steals? Come on. The puppet meant assists.
Then, there's Kobe Doin' Work. It should have been titled: Kobe Doin' Work to Repair his Image that He Destroyed When He Hooked It Up in a Colorado Hotel.
Sorry, I'm just venting. I lost a dinner bet to Derry on the Lakers-Nuggets series. Why didn't I bet a coke? A dinner bet with Derry? What was I thinking?
THE TINA CURSING CORNER
I walk into the living room Friday at midday.
My mom: Ya'll got boxes at work? Like the paper comes in.
Me: No.
Mom: Paper comes in fucking boxes!
Mom was busy Friday. "I can't even lay in my own fucking pool."
Mom was in the pool for a short period earlier in the day. Well, until she got a call. "Motherfuck. Every time I'm about to get some good sleep, the phone rings."
I'm watching the LSU game on CST, and it's about that time to take a shower before work.
Me: It's times like this that I wish we had cable on that TV, so I could take a shower and then rewind the TV to catch-up.
Mom: What do you want me to do? It's a fucked-up situation.
We're watching the second disc of Season 4 of Lost. "Who the fuck is the captain?"
Mom is watching So You Think You Can Dance while I'm watching the LSU game. "They trying to do a fucking routine from last year. The judge is like, 'What the fuck?' ... Let's get some fucking dancers on the stage. Fucking thirty minutes, and we ain't had one good dancer."
PARTING SHOTS
Liam was forced to take a short break early in the shift Friday. He had trouble getting back into the groove.
Liam: It's like a rain delay. I need to warm up again.
Brick: Need about 15 minutes? Gene, get him loose.
(This led to several more "Gene, get him loose" jokes throughout the night. I didn't say a word during any of this.)
I don't know the lead-in to this conversation.
JRap: Muskrat Love's your favorite song?
Brick: I especially like the Britney Spears version.
Liam: No. That's Mousketeer Love.
THE DAILY TOP LIST
My favorite five sound bytes from coaches of teams I cheer for.
5) Mike Ditka. Saints.
The team was struggling in Iron Mike's first season here in 1997. He was trying to rush through a press conference by continuing to say, "Next."
Reporter: Mike, why are you in such a bad mood?
Mike: What do you care?
Reporter: (Inaudible.)
Mike: Ok. If you were 2-7, you'd be in a bad mood, too.
4) Roy Williams. UNC.
Roy's Kansas Jayhawks lost in the national championship to Syracuse at the Superdome in 2003. Bonnie Berstein then asks him about taking the Tar Heel job. Roy: "I could give a shit about North Carolina right now." Oh, you lie, Roy. You lie.
3) Rudy T. Rockets.
After winning a second NBA title in a row, Rudy T has something to say to the haters out there: "Don't ever underestimate the heart of a champion!" Amen, brother. Amen.
2) Les Miles. LSU.
Amongst rumors that he would take the job at Michigan, Les called a press conference before the SEC championship in 2007. "I'm excited about the opportunity of my damn strong football team to play in it. ... Please ask me after. I'm busy. Thank you very much. Have a great day." I did.
1) Jim Mora. Saints.
In 1996, the Saints lost on the road to the Panthers 19-7. Mora didn't have many kind words to say about the team's performance. "We couldn't do diddly-poo offensively. We couldn't make a first down. ... We sucked. The second half, we sucked. ... It was a horseshit performance in the second half. ... We got our ass kicked in the second half. It sucked."
Thursday, May 28, 2009
SPEAKING AND WRITING ENGLISH IS DIFFICULT.
At work Thursday, Liam was reading the story about Carlos Zambrano's ejection Wednesday afternoon as a result of his hissy fit. He points out this quote to me by Big Z: "I apologize to throw the ball and do other things."
I didn't know he spoke the language so poorly. I really didn't. At least it now gives me something to say every time I apologize for something. For instance:
Me: (Interrupting conversation).
Someone: Dammit. That was rude.
Me: I apologize to interrupt the talk and do other things.
I searched for a youtube clip of Carlos uttering these historic words and came across a video of the tirade. I was reading the user comments (as I usually do on youtube) and saw this entry from everclear010:
1. Your reading my comment
2. Now your saying/thinking thats a stupid fact.
4. You didnt notice that i skipped 3.
5. Your checking it now.
6. Your smiling.
7. Your still reading my comment.
8. You know all you have read is true.
10. You didnt notice that i skipped 9.
11. Your checking it now.
12. You didnt notice there are only 10 facts
Copy and paste to 1 video, tomorrow will be your best day ever! no matter WHAT!!!!!
I felt like posting the following response: "That would have been funny if you knew anything about contractions. And, of course, I noticed there were only 10 facts, jackass. You told me you skipped two numbers!"
THE TINA CURSING CORNER
My mom asks me to fetch her the remote for my CD player she took from my room and put outside for the summer. I'm on my way back with it. "Doesn't take that long to get a fucking remote."
I tell mom goodbye as I leave for work. "What a fucking day."
We're watching the second episode of Season 4 of Lost. Miles' background scene is on. "That's a fucking vacuum cleaner."
PARTING SHOTS
We're discussing Bert and Ernie at dinner.
Brick: Do you think Bert was the man?
Me: Oh yeah.
Derry: OK, Bert. I'll bend over.
D is telling us about a discussion he had with his wife about Hornets tickets at the start of the season.
D: She bought them anyway. I just thought that with the new baby, we could save the money on the Hornets.
Bake: Maybe you can reuse some of those diapers, D.
D: That's the way the Hornets played. Like used diapers.
THE DAILY TOP LIST
My top five "second-career" jobs.
5) Own a business.
Tell other people what to do.
4) Be a poker dealer.
I like counting things. I like cards. I like casinos.
3) Stay in the field and move away.
Fallback.
2) Be a professional poker player.
Seems like fun.
1) Win the lottery.
Don't need a job.
At work Thursday, Liam was reading the story about Carlos Zambrano's ejection Wednesday afternoon as a result of his hissy fit. He points out this quote to me by Big Z: "I apologize to throw the ball and do other things."
I didn't know he spoke the language so poorly. I really didn't. At least it now gives me something to say every time I apologize for something. For instance:
Me: (Interrupting conversation).
Someone: Dammit. That was rude.
Me: I apologize to interrupt the talk and do other things.
I searched for a youtube clip of Carlos uttering these historic words and came across a video of the tirade. I was reading the user comments (as I usually do on youtube) and saw this entry from everclear010:
1. Your reading my comment
2. Now your saying/thinking thats a stupid fact.
4. You didnt notice that i skipped 3.
5. Your checking it now.
6. Your smiling.
7. Your still reading my comment.
8. You know all you have read is true.
10. You didnt notice that i skipped 9.
11. Your checking it now.
12. You didnt notice there are only 10 facts
Copy and paste to 1 video, tomorrow will be your best day ever! no matter WHAT!!!!!
I felt like posting the following response: "That would have been funny if you knew anything about contractions. And, of course, I noticed there were only 10 facts, jackass. You told me you skipped two numbers!"
THE TINA CURSING CORNER
My mom asks me to fetch her the remote for my CD player she took from my room and put outside for the summer. I'm on my way back with it. "Doesn't take that long to get a fucking remote."
I tell mom goodbye as I leave for work. "What a fucking day."
We're watching the second episode of Season 4 of Lost. Miles' background scene is on. "That's a fucking vacuum cleaner."
PARTING SHOTS
We're discussing Bert and Ernie at dinner.
Brick: Do you think Bert was the man?
Me: Oh yeah.
Derry: OK, Bert. I'll bend over.
D is telling us about a discussion he had with his wife about Hornets tickets at the start of the season.
D: She bought them anyway. I just thought that with the new baby, we could save the money on the Hornets.
Bake: Maybe you can reuse some of those diapers, D.
D: That's the way the Hornets played. Like used diapers.
THE DAILY TOP LIST
My top five "second-career" jobs.
5) Own a business.
Tell other people what to do.
4) Be a poker dealer.
I like counting things. I like cards. I like casinos.
3) Stay in the field and move away.
Fallback.
2) Be a professional poker player.
Seems like fun.
1) Win the lottery.
Don't need a job.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
SUMMER BLOCKBUSTER
Summer might not start until June 21, but to me, summer commenced Monday. With TV season over and Tina grilling for a pool party Sunday, it's safe to say summer time is here again. Besides, did you walk outside today? It's summer.
With only baseball on the sports docket (after the NBA Finals) and just a few shows sprinkled on the DVR, I'm looking at lots of blank space on my schedule. Also, shifts at work will be shorter, and I'm sticking to my only-two-casino-visits-per-month New Year's Resolution.
So, let's roll out some summer goals like a tight hooking bowling ball heading for the pocket.
1. TV.
After finishing Season 4 of Lost, I will try to knock out Spin City Season 2, all of Wings (I'm on Season 3 right now) and all of Frasier. If I finish all of those, I'm not sure what's next. From the private collection, my objective is to rewatch Seinfeld, Family Guy and Sanford & Son.
2. Movies.
I'm hoping to watch three movies a week. First up is the first Transformers. I have several classics backlogged on my Netflix list, and when we switch to the three-disc plan soon, I'll be viewing more flicks. The objective is to plow through a bunch of well-known films that I've never seen before. I'm open to suggestions.
3. Get in shape.
The key here is not to be lazy. I've already started going to bed earlier. I'm attempting to limit my intake of snacks and increase the input of fruit. I've had three smoothies in the last week and a half.
THE TINA CURSING CORNER
Before I completely woke up Wednesday, mom went to the fridge for some water. "Are you fucking kidding me? There's no waters in here. I have to do every fucking thing around here." (For the record, there were two waters left in there.)
Mom and I did some yard work early Wednesday. "I'm glad the tree is gone. I ain't got no shade, but I don't give a fuck. There's no more leaves, and we don't have to fucking rake every day."
On the way to get some Chinese, mom sees a woman working in the yard across the street. She does this for a living. "No fucking way could I do that. Too much shit."
Mom can't believe schools had their final day of class on Memorial Day, even if it was a half day. "Can you believe they had school on a fucking holiday?"
Mom warns me that I might have to wake up early one day for the air condition guy to get into the attic so he can add another vent in mom's bedroom. "I have to let him up there early because it's so fucking hot in that attic."
FOUR CORNERS
A closer look at The Gene Pool World.
-- I got a voicemail from Liam on Sunday night during the pool party saying that I had forgotten to fill out my timesheet for the week. (I'm used to being there on Sundays.) Well, shit.
After the party ended at 11:40 p.m., I drove down to work to sign out. If I didn't, then I wouldn't get paid for the week. Paul took a ride. As I was about to get off at Airline from Causeway, I realized I had forgotten something: My ID.
I completed the loop and went back home. Normally, you can get away with not having an ID, but I didn't want to take the chance in the middle of the night. So, I drove to work 1 and 1/2 times in order to get a paycheck this week.
When I arrived back home at 12:30 a.m., Tina was shaking her head. "Isn't tomorrow a holiday?"
Me: Yeah.
Mom: Well, is anybody going to be there to collect the sheets?
Me: Oh, crap. No. I could have done it tomorrow.
Mom: What a waste of fucking time!
-- During the pool party, Bob inquired if anybody had ever died in my pool. I responded: "That pool is responsible for fewer than four deaths in its 19-year history." Bob liked those odds, though it became a running joke that the pool needed to claim a victim soon and that victim was meant to be Chuck.
I told him I had a flash that he would die a la Charlie in Season 3 of Lost. Chuck, however, survived. The count is still fewer than four deaths.
-- On Memorial Day, I ate dinner in front of the TV at work and watched Wheel of Fortune for the first time since I don't know when. It was probably with my grandmother.
Anyway, a gay guy named Tom beat the shit out of two cute girls (it was college week).
Me: You know, if Tom played his cards right, he could have his pick of the chicks after the show. He could say, 'Which one of you am I taking out with all this money?' But, he's blowing it.
Lopes: Oh, I bet he's blown it before.
-- We had way too much food leftover after Sunday's pool party, so I brought six hot dogs with some chili and cheese to Chuck and Bob's on Tuesday night. We, along with Little Joe, scarfed those down while watching the Magic-Cavs game and enjoying some merriment.
You ever notice that Doug Collins, NBA analyst, asks us, the viewers, an awful lot of questions? It's like he's admitting he doesn't have a clue. He never breaks anything down or offers insightful opinions. It's all questions. Can this team do that? Can that team do this?
THE DAILY TOP LIST
Cartoons were a hot topic at the pool party. My six favorite cartoons growing up.
6) Garfield and Friends.
That cat liked him some Italian food.
5) DuckTales.
I even showed Paul, expert gamer, how to beat the Nintendo game.
4) Inspector Gadget.
This blog will self-destruct.
3) Flintstones.
Took the vitamins, too.
2) Doug.
You think Quail Man was a little gay?
1) Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
I promise this will be the last time they are No. 1 on a list.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
CHRISTINA AND RONNIE WEDDING PART II.
Bode and Greg came to my house for 7 p.m., and I drove us to Westwego for Christina's wedding Saturday night. Did I want to drive? No. I wanted to get drunk at the reception. But the burden fell on me.
In the foreign land of the West Bank, I missed the turn on River Road that Betsy had instructed me to take. I drove two miles farther and headed for River Road. Unfortunately, I caught a train. We tried to go around it, but the road ended, causing us to take the scenic route through some neighborhoods.
This was the second time Greg and I have caught a train driving to a friend's wedding. When Greg drove to Kelli's wedding, the same thing happened. Call it our prenuptials tradition.
After five minutes, the train passed, and we still arrived at the wedding in plenty of time. I'm pretty sure, though, that if I had made the first turn to River Road, I would have beaten the train. But then we wouldn't have this tradition.
For the limited time given to plan a wedding ceremony at what was supposed to be just a reception, the wedding went smoothly. The minister thanked us for our prayers. "Eighty percent chance of rain, and look at it." There wasn't a cloud in the sky.
Christina got a little choked up during the vows but was able to hold back the tears. A real heartwarming moment. I also learned that her middle name is Marie. So is Tina's.
Then, we hit the reception, where I immediately loosened my tie. Here are the rest of the highlights from Saturday night:
1) As the photographer snapped shots of the guest book, I hustled the few steps from our table to the stand. Me (charmingly): "Need a hand model?"
Photographer: "Sure!"
And I made the photo album, especially with those sexy action shots where I dot my "i" and cross my "t." I believe I was the best hand model since David Duchovny in Zoolander.
2) Amanda, Jesse and I discussed Lost for an hour. I enjoyed their huddles when they decided whether or not they could say something without giving away Season 4 or 5 secrets.
3) They didn't play "Don't Stop Believin'." Oh, well. Their loss. I was ready, too.
4) Timmy and Kevin kept up with the LSU-Georgia baseball game. Which was fine as long as someone didn't blab the Lakers-Nuggets Game 3 score because I taped the game.
I told Kevin not to tell me if he saw it on his phone, but as we were walking out, he announced that the Lakers won by six. Me: "You son of a bitch."
5) Quote of the night:
Amanda (to Jesse): One more drink and you'll be out there (on the dance floor).
Jesse: One more drink and this next piece of cake, and I'll be in the bathroom.
6) I had five jack and cokes from 8:30 p.m. to 11 p.m, along with some crawfish pasta. Then, I drove home across the Huey P. Don't worry, though. I kind of drove in both lanes. I did not vomit.
THE TINA CURSING CORNER
My mom and I cleaned my back room today. Oh what an adventure we had. It was a six-hour process. Mom was frustrated for a good bit of it. Enjoy.
"Jesus fucking Christ. You got some fucking shit. The crap is fucking everywhere."
"Where's my fucking screw?"
"You done fucked up, Tina."
"I mean it's fucking chewed gum. It's fucking unbelievable. Un-fucking-believable."
Mom almost breaks one of my picture frames, and I say something. "At this point, I don't give a fuck."
"Jesus fucking Christ. How am I going to clean this room. It's like a useless fucking room where you just put everything. Fucking Britney shit."
Three hours in. "I'm already fucking tired."
"Now, the fucking sun decides to come out."
"You have all this bullshit."
I'm dusting off a shelf full of mom's books. "What the fuck am I doing with a tour guide?"
"What the fuck you keeping all this shit for? Don't you throw anything away? Fucking disgraceful." (When it was all said and done, I had four boxes full of stuff to throw away. I also piled up THIRTY T-shirts to give away.)
"My fucking neck hurts."
I put all the hats I actually wear on my hat rack. The rest, which were scattered throughout my two rooms, were put into a box and stored away. "We got to get rid of this fucking table with all these hats on it. It's in the way."
"That's what you do. Pile on top of fucking pile on top of fucking pile until there's 150 piles."
-----------------------------
Later on, mom is watching The Young & the Restless. "What the fuck's going on? I can't figure this one out." Sharon and Jack are arguing. Mom yells at Sharon: "He knows you're fucking him."
Mom switches the channel to do some home shopping. "Look at her. Elizabeth Hassel whatever the fuck her name is. I can't stand her. She's always pregnant. And now she's fucking selling clothes on QVC."
THE DAILY TOP LIST
The top five things yelled out at work one night that caught everyone's attention and since may have become a catchphrase.
5) We rollin' now. D. 2009.
On a busy night about a month ago, D got excited because he had just finished a story and knew he had only one left for the night.
D: Yes, sir. Just got the NBA roundup to go. We rollin' now!
Liam: It's deadline, D.
D: Oh.
4) His name is Joe. Derry. 2008.
During the height of the Joe the Plumber phenomenon, I say that his actually name is Samuel.
Derry: No. His name is Joe.
Me: His middle name is Joseph. His first name is Samuel.
Derry (a little louder): Whatever. His name is Joe.
Me: He might go by Joe, but his given name is Samuel. Joe the Plumber just sounds better.
Derry (screaming): His name is Joe!
3) He fell like a girl. Me. Sept. 19, 2006.
LSU receiver Craig Davis was tackled at the 4-yard line on the final play as LSU lost to Auburn 7-3. I thought the hit was kind of weak, and Davis could have broken it to score the winning touchdown. I yelled: "That was terrible. He fell like a girl."
Nobody agreed, saying the Auburn guy put a solid hit on Davis. So, now when someone is smashed to the turf or to the floor in basketball, a co-worker will say something like, "He fall like a girl, too?"
2) Send it now. Derry. 2005?
JRap is reading a story, and deadline is approaching. Derry asks JRap to send it to him.
JRap: Almost done.
Derry: We got to go.
JRap: One second.
Derry: Send it now!
JRap: OK.
And JRap did. Without a headline.
1) Jesus, Billy. 2002.
I was one of seven or eight people taking prep football calls at the time. We were getting slammed one Friday night, and the lines were all busy. Prep editor Billy asks for whoever is on the phone to switch to their own line to unjam the main lines.
No one adheres to the demand. Billy, a minister, gets enraged and walks over to our area and yells. Tommy, trying to get the boss to easy it up a bit, says: "Jesus, Billy!"
The room went silent. I don't think anyone spoke for the rest of the night. Well, except for the yelling match that ensued between Billy and Tommy. Good times.
Monday, May 25, 2009
GENE POOL POOL PARTY. SECOND EDITION.
Since I was off Sunday coming off the heels of Saturday's wedding, I thought: What better way to spend such a day than a pool party? Sure, bad weather threatened all day, and the pool was cold. But that wasn't no thing.
See Tina. See Tina grill. Grill Tina grill. 
Bob attempts to create his infamous "Poolside" snapshot. Updates coming soon. Sure. The rest of the cast for the party was Chuck, Little Joe, Jenna, Kaila, Laura and gal pals Paul and Kelly, who surprisingly arrived separately. 
Joe, Jenna, Kaila and Bob went in first after dinner (which was highlighted by Chuck's comparison of the Guns N' Roses singer to Adam Sandler). It didn't take long for the rain to come. They didn't care. No one got out, and the sprinkles subsided after five minutes. It took me a while to get in the pool because it was so cold. I had to ease my way into the water. Once I did, I tried to see how long I could hold my breath underwater. I come up for air.
Bob: That wasn't very impressive.
Me: It's the first time this summer. I got to work it up.
Bob: I think that's what Ted said.
The swimming didn't last too long, but we didn't leave the water until creating a whirlpool. It was pretty strong. They say it hit land as a Category 4. Back on the patio, the conversation centered on movies, mainly the difference between a chick flick and a romantic comedy.
I had my iPod shuffle hooked up to the stereo, and that played for about three hours.
Chuck: This is quite the eclectic mix you got here.
Me: I have no idea what's on it. Now if I can just get The Rock in there one more time.
Bob: That's what Ted said.
Nine people ate their fill, but judging by the leftovers, it seemed as though we had recreated the Feeding of the Five Thousand. We went through four-plus bags of chips, enough turkey sandwiches to take out two loaves of bread, a whole thing of cookies, a bunch of grapes, a solid amount of alcohol and however many hamburgers and hot dogs to fill up the stomachs.
The leftovers: 10 hot dogs and 4 1/2 hamburgers. Tina sure likes her grilling.
THE TINA CURSING CORNER
My mom was glad that the rain didn't wreak havoc on our party. "Harahan didn't get any rain. But it fucking rained its ass off at Bonnabel."
Mom wasn't happy to get a phone call early Monday. "The one morning I want to sleep in, and the fucking phone rings at 7 a.m."
Mom spills some food on her shirt. "Son of a bitch. ... Bitch."
Mom and I sit down to watch Million Dollar Password, which returned Sunday. However, it was a repeat. "Fucking comeback with a fucking re-run. How awful is that?"
DID YOU KNOW?
Did you know that LeBron James made a buzzer-beater to win Game 2 on Friday? Did you know that Kris Allen is the newest American Idol? Did you know that the economy isn't as good as it used to be?
PARTING SHOT
I stopped by Little Joe and Jenna's Memorial Day Barbecue. Joe offers me some food.
Me: No, thanks. We got too many leftovers.
Little Joe: Come on. You could use a little more meat in your life.
Bob: I believe Ted said that.
THE DAILY TOP LIST
My favorite five poker players.
5) Mike Matusow.
His nickname is "The Mouth." That should tell you enough.
4) Annie Duke.
She's been at the table next to me before.
3) Gus Hansen.
The Great Dane is intriguing because he'll play any two cards any kind of way.
2) Daniel Negreanu.
The most talented player you could ever watch. He has an uncanny ability to figure out exactly what cards his opponent is holding. It's freaky. He's also a really nice guy.
1) Phil Hellmuth.
Might be the best, but his entertainment value is off the charts. Plus, he can dodge bullets, baby.
Sunday, May 24, 2009
CHRISTINA AND RONNIE WEDDING PART I.
The front look at Cedar Grove Tchoupitoulas Plantation, your host for the wedding. 
The wedding was originally scheduled for Mexico in early May, but something called a swine flu made them cancel their travel plans. Instead, the wedding was held outside the reception hall. Looks like I got there early. 
The bride makes her way down the aisle. Aw, look how happy she is. Ronnie met her a few steps up the aisle and said (I read his lips): "You look so beautiful." Melted my heart. 
As soon as we entered the reception, Bode made a beeline for the food line. Or as he said, "I started the line." Then, he went to town. Pretty good shot, eh? 
First dance. 
Groom cake. Looks too good to cut. I thought putting that morning's sports section underneath was a nice touch. 
Christina arrives at our table while making her rounds. Christina: "Thank you guys so much for coming!" Eh, don't even mention it. 
Christina and Ronnie receive instructions on how to use a knife to cut the cake. 
Christina relives her bachelorette party. Just kidding. Ronnie removes the garter belt. I heard this is the same way it looked when he proposed. 
The garter in mid-air! Christina's precious nephew extends his hand as it flies near. The garter landed on the ground, and no one made a move for it. All the guys were like, "Nah. No thanks." So, Christina's nephew scooped it up. Good luck, kid. 
One of those classic grab-your-partner-and-slow-dance songs came on. Boom! Everybody's dancing. Well, my partner was my trusty camera. 
Ronnie rocked the dance floor all night with impressive moves like so. Either that or he was offering to play catcher to the little kid's pitcher. 
And they ended the wedding with some Mardi Gras music and a second line. Christina led the procession twirling a white umbrella. Classic stuff. Part II will feature anecdotes and the such from the wedding. Holla.
THE TINA CURSING CORNER
I tell my mom that I don't do anything normal. "No shit, Sherlock."
We were hoping to get the first disc of Season 4 of Lost on Saturday. It didn't come, which means we'll have to wait until Tuesday. "What the fuck am I going to do?"
The stereo we use on the patio breaks. "Fucking stereo. Had to throw the motherfucker away." (She took the one in my room and put it outside.)
TV WEEK IN REVIEW
How I Met Your Mother. Solid finale with the story of the goat finally happening and the gang jumping across buildings. However, overall this season was a drop from the previous three.
24. A satisfying ending that leads us to Season 8. I have Tina rewatching the whole season right now to see if Tony's story makes sense. Loved when Jack played possum and killed like four people at once.
Reno 911! Liked the storyline where one of the cops threatens his kid's soccer coach because his kid wasn't playing enough. The coach says the kid sucks, and the cop makes him disappear. Ha.
PARTING SHOT
Earlier in the week, the New Orleans Jesters soccer team played a team in Bradenton, Fla.
D (the next day): You need the Fla after Bradenton. Somebody took it out of the story.
Brick: D, you could argue no one (in the city) knows where the Jesters are.
Me: Next to the king.
THE DAILY TOP LIST
My favorite five attractive actresses 40 or older.
5) Jennifer Aniston. 40.
She'll always be Rachel to me.
4) Monica Bellucci. 44.
A tempting Mary Magdalene.
3) Sandra Bullock. 44.
Would be higher if she didn't keep making terrible sequels.
2) Salma Hayek. 42.
She's a breast of fresh air.
1) Marisa Tomei. 44.
I hear she likes wrestling.
Saturday, May 23, 2009
CHAPTER FOUR: DOUBLE DATING
Where we left off: I told Kelly to set up a date for me with one of her co-workers while Megan was on Christmas break in Colorado.
For the next three days before this date, I was walking around with two little Genes on my shoulders: one dressed with a white robe and sporting a halo and the other holding a pitchfork with horns.
The angel kept preaching that I was cheating and needed to call off the date. The devilish one had an evil grin and continued to say: When the cat's away, the mouse will play. My solution, as usual, was somewhere in the middle.
Reasons for going through with the date: 1) My relationship with Megan wasn't serious. 2) I was 50/50 at that time on whether to dump her. So, why pass up a date? (Amazing that it's easier to get a date once you're already in a relationship. Weird fact.)
Still, I couldn't get Megan and the feeling of possibly cheating out of my system during the date, which was a double date on a Friday with Kelly and Bert at Ground Pati. After the meal, we all went back to my house and played Scattergories.
Sylvia wasn't smoking hot as Kelly described. That didn't surprise me as Kelly is a classic exaggerator. But she was attractive. And smart. And fun. At the end of the night, we hugged, and I felt like it went well.
On Sunday night, I had a thirty-minute phone conversation with Megan. I followed that up with a thirty-minute talk with Sylvia. I think I was starting to enjoy playing two games at once, like those Internet poker players you read about.
There was never a second date with Sylvia, who apparently had talked to Kelly about nipping that in the bud. I ask Kelly to tell me the truth about what went wrong. Kelly: "She said she felt like you weren't that into it, and that made her not that into it."
This was true. On the date and during our chats, I was always hesitant to make a move or tell her that I was into her. Something felt wrong about doing that. (Yeah, you moron. Cheating.)
Who could blame Sylvia? I thought since she requested the meeting, she would be into me enough for me to have time to make a decision between the two. I figured she wouldn't notice my half-into-it manner. Oh, Gene. So much to learn.
Anyway, my hesitation with Sylvia (Yes, Marcus. I blew it.) showed me two things: 1) I'm not one to fully cheat and 2) Perhaps I did care for Megan. It was then that I decided to make a go of it with her. I couldn't wait for her to return.
We were getting along famously at the start of the spring semester. It felt like we were having a real beginning to a relationship and had veered off the fast-moving path we started down. One night, I was heading to the casino to get rid of that itch. Megan came for company.
She's sitting behind me as I'm playing poker (I had just won a hand with pocket kings) when I turn to see if she's getting bored yet.
Me: You doing OK?
Megan: Yeah. I'm watching the skiing.
Me (looking at the TV): You cheering for this guy?
Megan: Yes.
Me: Really? He's wearing pink. Why would you cheer for him?
Megan: But I love pink. Why would you say that? (Getting a little mad.) Who is it that doesn't like pink?
Me: Uh ...
(Sylvia hated pink. Hated it. Mixed 'em up. Classic two-timing mistake. Oops.)
TO BE CONTINUED. ...
THE TINA CURSING CORNER
My mom was preparing for the party tomorrow as I'm waking up. I hear: "Shit. Dammit, I did it. Son of a bitch." (I feared that meant the cake was messed up, but it's fine. I'm not sure what actually went wrong.)
Mom is anxious for some of her premium channel TV shows to come out on DVD. "Where's fucking Weeds and Californication? Fucking 24 came out the next day."
Mom is watching Vantage Point. She doesn't like the beginning. "Oh, this is bullshit. I can't watch this kind of fucking movie. Get to the fucking thing." (She gave up on it.)
Mom describes her famous Tiny Tina Turkey sandwiches. "It's fucking turkey and mayo. On fucking bread."
PARTING SHOTS
Lopes is reading headlines on ESPN.com Friday night.
Lopes: Listen to this one. 'Yankees try Wang in bullpen.'
Bake: They got a lot of time on their hands down there.
Brick gets a call from downstairs because we didn't log Page 3.
Me: I didn't log it?
Brick: Nope.
Me: Sorry. I'm still getting used to this new button.
JRap: That's what she said.
THE DAILY TOP LIST
With the "Denver Debacle" making the news this week, I got to thinking of other times wrestling has made it into the mainstream flow of conversation. Here's the top 5:
5) Boxer vs. wrestler. June 26, 1976.
Antonio Inoki took on Muhammad Ali in Japan, and fans in America could watch it on close-circuit TV by going to the event of their local promotion. Ali got $6 million for the fight, and it was all the rage at the time.
Historically for wrestling, however, the fight was seen as a flop. It was a draw. But still, it was Ali competing in a wrestling setting.
4) Steroid scandals.
This decade, steroid stories in sports have dominated the headlines. However, in the early 90s, Vince McMahon went to federal court on steroid charges. Hulk testified against him. Big deal. Then, steroids have been linked to so many wrestling deaths, it's hard to ignore its impact on the wrestling limelight. An article in SI two years ago linked 10 stars to steroids.
3) The Attitude Era.
In the late 90s, wrestling had a big boom. Ratings hit an all-time high. Wrestlers were on the cover of TV guide. They had the NWO, DX, Stone Cold, the Rock. There was a Super Bowl commercial, and every kid and their grandma was watching.
2) Chris Benoit's death. And his family, too.
The two-year anniversary is coming up. I couldn't go anywhere that week without hearing people talk about that. Is it OK to laugh now about the fact that they aired a two-hour tribute show about his career before learning what actually happened?
1) Hulkamania.
Led to WrestleMania I and, subsequently, WrestleMania 25. Led to Vince becoming a billionaire. Led to unprecedented popularity. Led to rock 'n wrestling on MTV. What else? Uh, Hogan Knows Best.
Friday, May 22, 2009
LET US PRAY
Today is the feast day of St. Rita of Cascia, which is my home parish. I did a little reading on the Web site and learned that she is the Patroness of Improbable Causes.
Please insert your joke about me here.
THE TINA CURSING CORNER
My mom watched "Notorious." Me: Did you like it?
Mom: Yeah. I'm going to start fucking rapping. How hard can it be?
Mom calls me from a store and asks me to measure something in her room. As I'm reaching for the tape measure a few seconds later, mom grows impatient. "What the fuck are you doing?"
Mom and I attempt to nail a curtain-type device in front of the window in her room. What was wrong with the blinds, I don't know. The nail idea doesn't go smoothly. "It's not fucking working. Tina, your idea isn't working, sweetheart. ... Fuck. It's not going in, Tina. ... Get in there, bitch."
There was also a random "bitch" and "fuck" in there somewhere.
THE GENE POOL DIP (I MEAN TIP) OF THE WEEK
Try a smoothie with strawberry, banana and mango. I had one at a place called Skinny Berry next to Quizno's on Carrollton on Friday night. They call it Strabango.
Special thanks to Lopes' cousin behind the counter for the free hookup.
PARTING SHOTS
I square off a story about Dirk's "lover" saying she's pregnant.
Me: Damn, this story is loose.
Liam: The Dirk story? No kidding.
Brick returns from dinner, calls my name and throws a snack in my direction. It falls short of me and lands into Mike's hands.
Me: That was for me.
Mike: But I caught it.
Me: I call Mardi Gras rules. You know, if they're trying to throw to the little kid but you catch it, you have to give whatever it is to the little kid.
Lopes: So, you're a little kid.
Liam: Give it to the kid.
(Mike did. I love Grandma's Mini-sandwich cremes. Brick accidentally hit the wrong button. Sweet.)
THE DAILY TOP LIST
The top five athletes who I turned on. I used to like them a lot. Now, I could give a shit.
5) Steve Francis. Rockets.
Was our best player for three years, and I own a jersey. Attitude and injuries created the downfall.
4) Aaron Brooks. Saints.
Led us to our first playoff victory, and I have his autograph in my room. However, he then sucked and once threw the ball backward to an offensive lineman.
3) Tracy McGrady. Rockets.
Gave up on him this year when he quit on the team and then decided to show up on the bench because they were winning. I stuck with him through all the tough playoff losses before, even when he cried after a Game 7 loss.
2) Sammy Sosa. Cubs.
I still have fond memories of 1998 and own a jersey. But dude cheated and lied about it. Let's not forget the corked bat, either.
1) Chris Benoit. Wrestler.
It's tough to come back from: killed child, wife and self.
Today is the feast day of St. Rita of Cascia, which is my home parish. I did a little reading on the Web site and learned that she is the Patroness of Improbable Causes.
Please insert your joke about me here.
THE TINA CURSING CORNER
My mom watched "Notorious." Me: Did you like it?
Mom: Yeah. I'm going to start fucking rapping. How hard can it be?
Mom calls me from a store and asks me to measure something in her room. As I'm reaching for the tape measure a few seconds later, mom grows impatient. "What the fuck are you doing?"
Mom and I attempt to nail a curtain-type device in front of the window in her room. What was wrong with the blinds, I don't know. The nail idea doesn't go smoothly. "It's not fucking working. Tina, your idea isn't working, sweetheart. ... Fuck. It's not going in, Tina. ... Get in there, bitch."
There was also a random "bitch" and "fuck" in there somewhere.
THE GENE POOL DIP (I MEAN TIP) OF THE WEEK
Try a smoothie with strawberry, banana and mango. I had one at a place called Skinny Berry next to Quizno's on Carrollton on Friday night. They call it Strabango.
Special thanks to Lopes' cousin behind the counter for the free hookup.
PARTING SHOTS
I square off a story about Dirk's "lover" saying she's pregnant.
Me: Damn, this story is loose.
Liam: The Dirk story? No kidding.
Brick returns from dinner, calls my name and throws a snack in my direction. It falls short of me and lands into Mike's hands.
Me: That was for me.
Mike: But I caught it.
Me: I call Mardi Gras rules. You know, if they're trying to throw to the little kid but you catch it, you have to give whatever it is to the little kid.
Lopes: So, you're a little kid.
Liam: Give it to the kid.
(Mike did. I love Grandma's Mini-sandwich cremes. Brick accidentally hit the wrong button. Sweet.)
THE DAILY TOP LIST
The top five athletes who I turned on. I used to like them a lot. Now, I could give a shit.
5) Steve Francis. Rockets.
Was our best player for three years, and I own a jersey. Attitude and injuries created the downfall.
4) Aaron Brooks. Saints.
Led us to our first playoff victory, and I have his autograph in my room. However, he then sucked and once threw the ball backward to an offensive lineman.
3) Tracy McGrady. Rockets.
Gave up on him this year when he quit on the team and then decided to show up on the bench because they were winning. I stuck with him through all the tough playoff losses before, even when he cried after a Game 7 loss.
2) Sammy Sosa. Cubs.
I still have fond memories of 1998 and own a jersey. But dude cheated and lied about it. Let's not forget the corked bat, either.
1) Chris Benoit. Wrestler.
It's tough to come back from: killed child, wife and self.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
I'D LIKE TO GO TO LUNCH
On Thursday afternoon, I met my dad at Oriental Triangle for a little Chinese lunch. After ordering the pepper steak, I asked dad a question we had been discussing at work the night before: If you could start an NBA franchise with any player in history, who would it be?
His answer nearly made me fall out of my chair. Dad, a lifetime Celtics fan, thought for a second and said: "I can't believe I'm saying this, but I have to go with Magic. He could play all five positions, so you could build the rest of the team all kind of ways." Wow. For the record, I picked the other MJ.
My dad and I then discussed Steelers linebacker James Harrison not going to the White House today because it wasn't that special. Harrison said that if the Cardinals would have won the Super Bowl, then they would have been invited. Well, no shit, Sherlock.
Dad: I see where he's coming from.
Me: You do? He's refusing a chance to meet the President.
Dad: Yeah. Way out in left field.
After a solid meal, I rip open the bag with my fortune cookie in it. My fortune? THIS WEEKEND WILL AFFORD YOU PERSONAL OPPORTUNITY.
Really? I do have a full weekend lined up. I'm off both weekend days, and I have three events on the schedule. I can't wait to encounter this personal opportunity you speak of.
THE TINA CURSING CORNER
I finish brushing my teeth and walk into the living room. My mom says: "That woman across the street wears her pants so fucking tight, you can see the line of her ass and pussy."
Mom didn't like the selection of Chris as the eighth American Idol. At hearing the announcement: "Are you fucking kidding me? ... You got to be fucking kidding me."
Mom is worried about the pool party happening Sunday. "I put my hand in there (pool) this morning. It's like fucking ice. This is some crazy fucking weather." Then, as I'm leaving for work, she says: "How the fuck am I going to barbecue with all this rain?"
Mom gave me a haircut in the garage. She started the cutting still steaming about Idol. "I bet Adam's glad he didn't have to fucking single that. Mountains and hurricanes. That Idol song was such bullshit. He (Chris) said Adam deserved to win. That was fucking funny."
Later in the haircut, mom asks about the upcoming wedding. "You gonna make an ass of yourself at this wedding?"
Me: Uh.
Mom: That girl's (Gillie) wedding was in January, and I have yet to see a fucking picture. (She gets in my face.) Not one fucking picture."
Mom was raving about the guest stars on the American Idol finale. She listed Kiss, David Cook and Cyndi Lauper. She turns on the show to watch some more of it. Santana performs. "Oh, man. I forgot about Santana. Motherfuck. They got some fucking people on this show. ... Man, they had some fucking lineup."
PARTING SHOTS
The Internet went down at about 4:10 p.m. at work Thursday.
Me: I feel like I can't function.
Marcus: You can't function anyway.
Derry (at the same time): Just today?
The dialogue at work Thursday was one of the raunchiest nights of all-time. I'm not allowed to publish all that was said. Here are two exchanges.
1) The LSU baseball story is filled with words that could be viewed as sexually suggestive.
Someone: Let's make a headline that goes with that.
Jelly: LSU goes all the way.
Someone: LSU pounds Alabama.
Brick: LSU rises up.
Phil: LSU has some good wood.
2) Terry stops by during one of the nastiest parts.
Terry: What ya'll talking about?
Marcus: Men in thongs.
Terry: You wearing one? You a nasty son of a bitch.
THE DAILY TOP LIST
My favorite five episodes of the 08-09 TV season.
5) 6:00 p.m.-8:00 p.m. 24.
OK, this is two episodes, but they aired together in one night. The White House invasion by a dictator and what was left of his men was heartstopping.
4) Stress Relief. The Office.
Aired after the Super Bowl, it was a full hour of laughs, from Dwight's safety training to Michael's roast, which inspired my song about Marcus.
3) An Evening with Mr. Yang. Psych.
Shawn's momma is kidnapped, and Shawn must solve puzzle after puzzle to unearth the identity of the kidnapper. I love puzzles. Plus, Shawn and Juliet almost hooked it up, except that Shawn was already on a date. Heartbreaking.
2) My Last Words. Scrubs.
This episode was basically just J.D. and Turk talking to a patient through a night. Featured the "Steak Night" song and dance. Yes, I cried my eyes out at the end.
1) The Naked Man. How I Met Your Mother.
Robin goes on a date with a guy named Mitch, who has a move called The Naked Man. When you're on a date and you know it ain't going anywhere, make up an excuse to go back to an apartment. Once the girl leaves the room, you strip down, and you're naked when she returns.
Mitch: "Works two out of three times." Subsequently, three members of the cast try this, and it works two out of three times, with Barney being the lone exception.
Episode also featured a nice Dark Knight reference, Lily and Co. coming up with 50 reasons to have sex - It was funny because No. 50 is "for love" - and Barney and Ted discussing what pose they would use as The Naked Man (options included The Burt Reynolds, Mr. Clean, the Heisman and The Thinker, my personal favorite).
On Thursday afternoon, I met my dad at Oriental Triangle for a little Chinese lunch. After ordering the pepper steak, I asked dad a question we had been discussing at work the night before: If you could start an NBA franchise with any player in history, who would it be?
His answer nearly made me fall out of my chair. Dad, a lifetime Celtics fan, thought for a second and said: "I can't believe I'm saying this, but I have to go with Magic. He could play all five positions, so you could build the rest of the team all kind of ways." Wow. For the record, I picked the other MJ.
My dad and I then discussed Steelers linebacker James Harrison not going to the White House today because it wasn't that special. Harrison said that if the Cardinals would have won the Super Bowl, then they would have been invited. Well, no shit, Sherlock.
Dad: I see where he's coming from.
Me: You do? He's refusing a chance to meet the President.
Dad: Yeah. Way out in left field.
After a solid meal, I rip open the bag with my fortune cookie in it. My fortune? THIS WEEKEND WILL AFFORD YOU PERSONAL OPPORTUNITY.
Really? I do have a full weekend lined up. I'm off both weekend days, and I have three events on the schedule. I can't wait to encounter this personal opportunity you speak of.
THE TINA CURSING CORNER
I finish brushing my teeth and walk into the living room. My mom says: "That woman across the street wears her pants so fucking tight, you can see the line of her ass and pussy."
Mom didn't like the selection of Chris as the eighth American Idol. At hearing the announcement: "Are you fucking kidding me? ... You got to be fucking kidding me."
Mom is worried about the pool party happening Sunday. "I put my hand in there (pool) this morning. It's like fucking ice. This is some crazy fucking weather." Then, as I'm leaving for work, she says: "How the fuck am I going to barbecue with all this rain?"
Mom gave me a haircut in the garage. She started the cutting still steaming about Idol. "I bet Adam's glad he didn't have to fucking single that. Mountains and hurricanes. That Idol song was such bullshit. He (Chris) said Adam deserved to win. That was fucking funny."
Later in the haircut, mom asks about the upcoming wedding. "You gonna make an ass of yourself at this wedding?"
Me: Uh.
Mom: That girl's (Gillie) wedding was in January, and I have yet to see a fucking picture. (She gets in my face.) Not one fucking picture."
Mom was raving about the guest stars on the American Idol finale. She listed Kiss, David Cook and Cyndi Lauper. She turns on the show to watch some more of it. Santana performs. "Oh, man. I forgot about Santana. Motherfuck. They got some fucking people on this show. ... Man, they had some fucking lineup."
PARTING SHOTS
The Internet went down at about 4:10 p.m. at work Thursday.
Me: I feel like I can't function.
Marcus: You can't function anyway.
Derry (at the same time): Just today?
The dialogue at work Thursday was one of the raunchiest nights of all-time. I'm not allowed to publish all that was said. Here are two exchanges.
1) The LSU baseball story is filled with words that could be viewed as sexually suggestive.
Someone: Let's make a headline that goes with that.
Jelly: LSU goes all the way.
Someone: LSU pounds Alabama.
Brick: LSU rises up.
Phil: LSU has some good wood.
2) Terry stops by during one of the nastiest parts.
Terry: What ya'll talking about?
Marcus: Men in thongs.
Terry: You wearing one? You a nasty son of a bitch.
THE DAILY TOP LIST
My favorite five episodes of the 08-09 TV season.
5) 6:00 p.m.-8:00 p.m. 24.
OK, this is two episodes, but they aired together in one night. The White House invasion by a dictator and what was left of his men was heartstopping.
4) Stress Relief. The Office.
Aired after the Super Bowl, it was a full hour of laughs, from Dwight's safety training to Michael's roast, which inspired my song about Marcus.
3) An Evening with Mr. Yang. Psych.
Shawn's momma is kidnapped, and Shawn must solve puzzle after puzzle to unearth the identity of the kidnapper. I love puzzles. Plus, Shawn and Juliet almost hooked it up, except that Shawn was already on a date. Heartbreaking.
2) My Last Words. Scrubs.
This episode was basically just J.D. and Turk talking to a patient through a night. Featured the "Steak Night" song and dance. Yes, I cried my eyes out at the end.
1) The Naked Man. How I Met Your Mother.
Robin goes on a date with a guy named Mitch, who has a move called The Naked Man. When you're on a date and you know it ain't going anywhere, make up an excuse to go back to an apartment. Once the girl leaves the room, you strip down, and you're naked when she returns.
Mitch: "Works two out of three times." Subsequently, three members of the cast try this, and it works two out of three times, with Barney being the lone exception.
Episode also featured a nice Dark Knight reference, Lily and Co. coming up with 50 reasons to have sex - It was funny because No. 50 is "for love" - and Barney and Ted discussing what pose they would use as The Naked Man (options included The Burt Reynolds, Mr. Clean, the Heisman and The Thinker, my personal favorite).
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
THE DAILY TOP LIST: SNACK RUN EDITION
Normally, I'm off Wednesdays, but this week I have the weekend off for Christina's wedding Saturday and a pool party Sunday, Memorial Day style. We have a full staff without me on most Wednesdays, so with me there, my workload wasn't much.
During a moment of boredom, I was discussing with Liam about possibly running out for ice cream for everyone. We decided it would probably melt by the time I returned. The solution turned out to be a trip to Wendy's for Frostys.
I took everyone's order and collected $12. It was a total mind blow when the total at Wendy's registered $12. Not $11.87 or $12.04, but exactly $12. How cool is that?
Unfortunately, that was about the only thing to go right for me during this process. Here are the top five things that proved me to be a bonehead or that just went plain wrong.
5) Double spooning.
When I returned from Wendy's, I distributed spoons and Frostys to the seven people who ordered. The last Frosty I gave was to Brick, and then I handed him the last spoon:
Brick: I already got one.
Me: Oh. Then who is this one for?
A few moments later, I realized the last spoon was for me. Oops.
4) Over my head.
As I was starting to collect orders, Derry noticed and got excited about a snack.
Derry: Can I get (pause) in the mix?
Me: Sure.
Derry: Get it?
I didn't at first. Oops.
3) Spoon vs. straw.
After I handed Bake his Frosty, I extended a spoon in his direction.
Me: Here's your straw.
Bake: Great. But what I really need is a spoon. Straws don't work on Frostys.
Me: What did I say?
Bake: Straw.
Oops.
2) Noooooo!
At Wendy's, I ordered seven Frostys, two regular size and two large. They gave me a tray with five Frostys and then handed me the other two separately.
When I got out of my car back at the office, I put one of the extras on top of the Frosty in the middle of the tray and held the tray in my right hand. With my left hand, I grabbed the last Frosty and tried to balance it against the one I had just stacked.
Bad idea. Berry bad idea. I took two steps and lost control. The Frosty balancing in the middle went flying and made a splat on the concrete. Half of the contents spilled out. Oops.
Thankfully, Jelly, who had ordered one of the larges, poured some of hers into the spilled one for me. What a gal.
1) She should have slapped me.
After Liam and I decided that ice cream would probably melt, Jelly chimed in with a winner of an idea.
Jelly: How about Frostys?
Me: Sounds good. Where can you get those?
Jelly: Uh, Wendy's.
Me: Oh. What was I thinking?
Oops.
THE TINA CURSING CORNER
Early Wednesday morning, my mom opens the door to retrieve the paper. "What's going on with this fucking weather? It's fucking May. Not a good sign."
I ask mom how it's going. "I'm so fucking tired."
I ask mom if she's enjoying the Chris Rose columns on his deleted e-mails. "I don't give a shit about him."
Concerning 24.
-- Thought on the finale: "What the fuck?"
-- On Jack's resilience: "He's dying, and he's still fucking got it in him."
-- On 24 coming out on DVD the day after the finale:
Mom: Was that in the Best Buy ad?
Me: Yeah.
Mom: I fucking missed it. ... That's the only one we kept on the DVR. We could have fucking kept CSI Miami, and I could watch all my fucking Miamis over the summer."
FOUR CORNERS
A closer look at The Gene Pool World.
-- Green Day's previous album "American Idiot" is my favorite record of all-time. I've been waiting for a new CD from them since. It was a long wait. I bought "21st Century Breakdown" last Friday and have listened to it twice.
The album is divided into three acts and is meant to tell the story of a couple coping through life in this country since 9/11. A daring concept. Here's my quick review:
Act I: Good. Title track and "Know Your Enemy" are excellent.
Act II: Lacking. Didn't do it for me.
Act III: Good. "21 Guns" really good. Solid ending.
-- Speaking of Green Day, I bought tickets to their August concert last Saturday when Tina and I stood in line for Fleetwood Mac tickets.
At about 9:30 a.m. with Tina running an errand and me in line by myself, I realized that the Ticketmaster at Major Video opened at 9 a.m., with the new tickets going on sale at 10 a.m. I decided to buy Green Day tickets. I order, and the worker gives me a price.
Worker: Just need to see your license.
Me: I don't have my wallet.
Tina had left me her credit card in case she didn't return by 10 a.m. Who knew you needed a license? (I think the crux of this post is that I'm an idiot.) She returned at 9:45, and I bought two tickets in the nosebleed section. Who wants to go with me?
-- Forty-seven cheers for the Big Easy landing its 10th Super Bowl. Marcus has already told me I'm working it. That's what he thinks. Can you buy tickets yet?
On facebook, I posted about taking bets on whether or not Benson will be alive for it in 2013. Paul calls me Wednesday afternoon.
Paul: What if he's on life support.
Me: That's a push.
As Doug said Tuesday afternoon: "He has a heart condition and a young wife. No chance."
-- The people who call our department with insane and stupid questions never ceases to amaze me. Observe these calls taken by co-workers last Friday:
Max: Sports.
Caller: Yes. Can you tell me why the Preakness isn't on?
Max: Yes I can. It comes on tomorrow.
Liam: Sports.
Caller: Yeah. Will the post office stay upon late today so we can mail our late tax returns?
Liam: Uh, I'm not sure, sir.
PARTING SHOT
For lack of anything better.
Me: Jelly, is the plural of Frosty with an s or an apostrophe s?
Jelly: The plural of something can't be apostrophe s.
Me: Yeah. But maybe Frosty owns the entity of the drink like Wendy's cuz it's Wendy's place.
Jelly: Uh, Frosty doesn't own anything.
Me: He owned that pipe.
Normally, I'm off Wednesdays, but this week I have the weekend off for Christina's wedding Saturday and a pool party Sunday, Memorial Day style. We have a full staff without me on most Wednesdays, so with me there, my workload wasn't much.
During a moment of boredom, I was discussing with Liam about possibly running out for ice cream for everyone. We decided it would probably melt by the time I returned. The solution turned out to be a trip to Wendy's for Frostys.
I took everyone's order and collected $12. It was a total mind blow when the total at Wendy's registered $12. Not $11.87 or $12.04, but exactly $12. How cool is that?
Unfortunately, that was about the only thing to go right for me during this process. Here are the top five things that proved me to be a bonehead or that just went plain wrong.
5) Double spooning.
When I returned from Wendy's, I distributed spoons and Frostys to the seven people who ordered. The last Frosty I gave was to Brick, and then I handed him the last spoon:
Brick: I already got one.
Me: Oh. Then who is this one for?
A few moments later, I realized the last spoon was for me. Oops.
4) Over my head.
As I was starting to collect orders, Derry noticed and got excited about a snack.
Derry: Can I get (pause) in the mix?
Me: Sure.
Derry: Get it?
I didn't at first. Oops.
3) Spoon vs. straw.
After I handed Bake his Frosty, I extended a spoon in his direction.
Me: Here's your straw.
Bake: Great. But what I really need is a spoon. Straws don't work on Frostys.
Me: What did I say?
Bake: Straw.
Oops.
2) Noooooo!
At Wendy's, I ordered seven Frostys, two regular size and two large. They gave me a tray with five Frostys and then handed me the other two separately.
When I got out of my car back at the office, I put one of the extras on top of the Frosty in the middle of the tray and held the tray in my right hand. With my left hand, I grabbed the last Frosty and tried to balance it against the one I had just stacked.
Bad idea. Berry bad idea. I took two steps and lost control. The Frosty balancing in the middle went flying and made a splat on the concrete. Half of the contents spilled out. Oops.
Thankfully, Jelly, who had ordered one of the larges, poured some of hers into the spilled one for me. What a gal.
1) She should have slapped me.
After Liam and I decided that ice cream would probably melt, Jelly chimed in with a winner of an idea.
Jelly: How about Frostys?
Me: Sounds good. Where can you get those?
Jelly: Uh, Wendy's.
Me: Oh. What was I thinking?
Oops.
THE TINA CURSING CORNER
Early Wednesday morning, my mom opens the door to retrieve the paper. "What's going on with this fucking weather? It's fucking May. Not a good sign."
I ask mom how it's going. "I'm so fucking tired."
I ask mom if she's enjoying the Chris Rose columns on his deleted e-mails. "I don't give a shit about him."
Concerning 24.
-- Thought on the finale: "What the fuck?"
-- On Jack's resilience: "He's dying, and he's still fucking got it in him."
-- On 24 coming out on DVD the day after the finale:
Mom: Was that in the Best Buy ad?
Me: Yeah.
Mom: I fucking missed it. ... That's the only one we kept on the DVR. We could have fucking kept CSI Miami, and I could watch all my fucking Miamis over the summer."
FOUR CORNERS
A closer look at The Gene Pool World.
-- Green Day's previous album "American Idiot" is my favorite record of all-time. I've been waiting for a new CD from them since. It was a long wait. I bought "21st Century Breakdown" last Friday and have listened to it twice.
The album is divided into three acts and is meant to tell the story of a couple coping through life in this country since 9/11. A daring concept. Here's my quick review:
Act I: Good. Title track and "Know Your Enemy" are excellent.
Act II: Lacking. Didn't do it for me.
Act III: Good. "21 Guns" really good. Solid ending.
-- Speaking of Green Day, I bought tickets to their August concert last Saturday when Tina and I stood in line for Fleetwood Mac tickets.
At about 9:30 a.m. with Tina running an errand and me in line by myself, I realized that the Ticketmaster at Major Video opened at 9 a.m., with the new tickets going on sale at 10 a.m. I decided to buy Green Day tickets. I order, and the worker gives me a price.
Worker: Just need to see your license.
Me: I don't have my wallet.
Tina had left me her credit card in case she didn't return by 10 a.m. Who knew you needed a license? (I think the crux of this post is that I'm an idiot.) She returned at 9:45, and I bought two tickets in the nosebleed section. Who wants to go with me?
-- Forty-seven cheers for the Big Easy landing its 10th Super Bowl. Marcus has already told me I'm working it. That's what he thinks. Can you buy tickets yet?
On facebook, I posted about taking bets on whether or not Benson will be alive for it in 2013. Paul calls me Wednesday afternoon.
Paul: What if he's on life support.
Me: That's a push.
As Doug said Tuesday afternoon: "He has a heart condition and a young wife. No chance."
-- The people who call our department with insane and stupid questions never ceases to amaze me. Observe these calls taken by co-workers last Friday:
Max: Sports.
Caller: Yes. Can you tell me why the Preakness isn't on?
Max: Yes I can. It comes on tomorrow.
Liam: Sports.
Caller: Yeah. Will the post office stay upon late today so we can mail our late tax returns?
Liam: Uh, I'm not sure, sir.
PARTING SHOT
For lack of anything better.
Me: Jelly, is the plural of Frosty with an s or an apostrophe s?
Jelly: The plural of something can't be apostrophe s.
Me: Yeah. But maybe Frosty owns the entity of the drink like Wendy's cuz it's Wendy's place.
Jelly: Uh, Frosty doesn't own anything.
Me: He owned that pipe.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
WE'RE BACK, BABY
There's the Superdome reopening. There's school reopenings. There's houses being built. The list goes on and on. But the biggest sign of recovery so far in this city has to be ...
Yeah, that's right. The reopening of the original Bud's Broiler on City Park Avenue. It has been back almost a month, but Tuesday was my first visit. I don't know what took me so long. As I waited for Kaila to arrive, I sat in a chair outside and took in that feeling of triumph. Alas, the world is changing, and by golly, Bud's is changing with it. For better or worse. There's a sign posted on the door (you can see it at the bottom of the pic) saying there's wi-fi inside.
A guy opening the door reads the sign: "Look at that. They got the Internet. (Pause and then lower and slower.) Bud's Broiler's got the Internet." You said it, guy. Not only that but they also take debit cards. Crazy, I know. Call it sacrilege, but I took advantage. Hey, I was low on cash.
Since it was kind of a beautiful day, we ate outside. There's like 15 tables outside. That was sort of a mistake, as the flies also are aware that Bud's has returned to where the magic all began. At one point, I counted nine flies on our table. That didn't take away the satisfaction, however, of eating again at the home base.
Check out Brett Anderson's story on the joint's return thanks to new passionate owners. Has some history of the franchise in there, too. Can you believe I have only eaten at six of the eight current locations?
THE TINA CURSING CORNER
My mom was on a mission Tuesday to clean my room. She walks in. "Jesus Christ. Look at this fucking room."
Me: What's up, ma?
Mom: We're cleaning this, and you're going to fucking help.
There were plenty of other curses Tuesday, but I couldn't make them out. She had the dustbuster turned on, and her screaming was drowned out. I left early for lunch.
In a funny unrelated cursing note, I was with mom at the pool place last Tuesday. She's trying to return a ripped pool cover that we had for one year and get a new one free of charge. The lady at the counter doesn't seem to be going for it. Mom: "I've been coming here for 19 years!"
PARTING SHOTS
Marcus sees that Anthony Parker, brother of Candace, was selected 21st in the draft a few years back.
Marcus: Anthony Parker. D, that's your brother-in-law, right?
D: No. That's my son.
Me: Eww. That makes you Candace's dad.
Marcus (on AIM to me): He likes her to call him daddy.
D and Marcus are discussing the Super Bowl.
Marcus: What would Super Bowl 500 be called?
D: I don't know. Bake, do you know?
Bake: Super Bowl 500 is D, D.
We're having a group discussion about the future of the department.
Mike: This is Kevin's last week in sports.
Bake: Where's he going?
Mike: Blog city.
Bake: Where is that? How do you get there?
THE DAILY TOP LIST
My five favorite TV shows of the 08-09 season.
5) Pushing Daisies / Heroes / How I Met Your Mother
Couldn't pick one.
4) Chuck.
Renewed! Victory is ours! Well, sort of.
3) Life on Mars.
If you like sci-fi/fantasy and/or crime shows, catch up, and we'll talk.
2) The Office.
Pam's pregnant out of wedlock. Shame. Shame.
1) 24.
Try to make decisions you can live with. Thanks for the advice, Jack.
Monday, May 18, 2009
THE CLOSING NUMBER
For my 10th and final song of my upcoming LP, I decided to go with an original score. Of course, I don't play no fancy instrument, and my lack of an in-tone singing voice is much spoken about. I do have the beat in my head, though. Just need a basic guitar rhythm.
This little ditty came to me as I was waking up Thursday. The first two verses anyway. I did the third verse Saturday.
I wrote it for a girl but no girl in particular. Just a girl. It might even work better as a poem to be handed to her. I sang it the other day for Tina. She said: "That's pretty good." Without further ado, I present: WOULD YOU MIND?
Would you mind if I stayed for a little while?
If it meant being with you, I'd go the extra mile
Would you mind if I finished this song I'm playing now?
If it's any good, at the end, I'll take a bow
Oh (insert girl's name here), I can't get you out of my head
I'd like to be with you 'till the day that I'm dead
When you're around, I grin from ear to ear
Cuz when I'm with you, I have nothing to fear
(Humming interlude)
You brighten up my day with the words that you say
I wouldn't be OK if you ever ran away
Every dawn I pray that you'll come out and play
With me, please stay 'till we're old and gray
Would you mind if I stayed for a little while?
If it meant being with you, I'd go the extra mile
Would you mind if I took your hand in mine?
In the news of my day, you take the main headline
Would you mind if I stayed for a little while?
Would you mind? Would you mind? Oh, would you mind? (3x)
Repeat first two lines (much slower)
THE TINA CURSING CORNER
My mom cleaned the blinds in the dining room this afternoon. Today's entire corner is in relation to those blinds and us putting them back up.
Mom tries to reattach the blinds. "Why won't you fucking work?"
Mom gets frustrated with the process. "I don't even know what fucking day it is."
I'm watching the Season 3 finale of Lost in my room. I hear (during the viewing): "Shit. ... Motherfuck. ... Bitch. ... Fucking bitch."
I finish the finale (which was insane) and go back in the living room. Mom is still struggling. "Why won't this fucking stick?"
We finally put them back up, but right before they clicked into place, there was a problem. "Fuck. You fucking bastard." (At least they're clean now. Like you could tell the difference.)
DID YOU KNOW?
Did you know there' s going to be a digital transition June 12? Did you know that you and I probably won't even notice anything different? Did you know that you can save e-mails? No, really. You can totally do that. Did you know that Tyler Perry's House of Payne is the highest rated cable comedy series of all-time?
PARTING SHOT
Folks are discussing what the W. in Pierce W. Huff stands for.
Marcus: He just changed it from Womanizer.
Pierce: I wish I was a womanizer.
Marcus and JRap: Whoa. You're married.
Pierce. I meant before.
THE DAILY TOP LIST
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the return of the Guest Top List. Take it away, Lopes. Lopes' top five encounters with lower-wage female workers.
5. Wendy’s.
Freshman year at Loyola, I went to this fine establishment on Claiborne. The exchange I had with the young lady behind the counter:
Worker: Can I take your order?
Me: Umm ... yeah. I need to get three ...
Worker (cutting me off): You real cute, you know that?
Me: Oh. Thank you ... orders of chicken nuggets.
She really caught me off guard. I left without her number.
4. Circle K
Recently, I stopped at a gas station to pick up Gatorade and some meds before heading back to work. I saw a National Inquirer with Hulk Hogan on the front and picked up a copy for Gene. The lady behind the counter asked if I could get her one.
Me: Sorry, last one.
Worker: Oh, that’s OK. I was going to read that.
(Exchange about Hogan)
Me: You know she (Linda) asked for more money after he said he couldn't blame O.J. for what he did.
Worker: That bitch. If I was him I’d say, ‘Gimme my titties back. Gimme my titties and gimme my nose.’
3. Quizno’s
Went to my usual Quizno’s for a sandwich during work and had a new girl behind the counter making the sandwiches. I ask for my usual.
Me: Can I get that with light mayo and light mustard please?
Worker: Umm ... we don’t have any light mustard. Only regular.
(10-second pause)
Other worker: *Laughing* He means not a lot. Woooow.
She then messed up my order again when I asked for no lettuce, just some parmesan cheese. She put lettuce on there anyway, and I remind her that I want none. She just kept the lettuce there and wrapped it up.
I left without a sandwich.
2. Burger King
Went to the BK in Elmwood with two of my friends, who were a couple. I ordered first as they were on their way. The girl taking the order was not not not not NOT on the attractive side.
Worker: Can I take your order?
Me: Umm ... Let me get ...
Worker (asking the eternal question): Say boy ... you black or you white?! Or you mixed!?
Me: (5-second pause): Uhh ... doesn't matter. I need a #11.
I sit down with my back to the worker. The couple arrives, and the girl sits with me, facing the worker as her boyfriend orders. The worker makes eye-contact with the girl and does the "Is he with you motion?" The girl loudly replies: "Oh no. My boyfriend is up there. He’s all yours."
I sank my head and avoided that Burger King for a long time.
1. McDonald’s
During senior year after basketball games, I drove two underclassmen, Keith and Darnell, home. We usually stopped at the Mickey D’s on Franklin and St. Claude. When Keith wanted to hit on the girl in the window, however, it became our final trip there. After we pulled around after ordering but before we got to the window:
Keith: Lopes, she sounded cute.
Me: Yeah, she did.
Keith: Say bruh, tell her I wanna talk. I wanna get her number.
Me: You sure, Keith?
Keith: Yeah, man. I’m positive.
Little did we know, she was positive, too. We get to the window, and the girl had a jacket on and was standing close to the register.
Me: Excuse me, ma’am, my friend here said you sound really cute. He wants to know if he could get your number.
The girl moved back and pushed her jacket back a little bit. She was about seven months pregnant.
Keith sank so low into his seat that the bottom part of the seat belt was across his neck. We never returned.
THE GENE POOL SAYS: Loved it. Lopes could do a reality show where he just went around to fast food joints and ordered food. I'd watch this show. I actually have been present for a Lopes-lower-wage-female-worker encounter that didn't make this list.
On the way to Dallas last year for Game 3 of the Mavs-Hornets series, we stopped at McDonald's. After Lopes' order, he has this convo with the young lady worker.
Worker (in flirting voice): You want fries with that?
Lopes: Yeah. I'll take some fries with that.
Worker: Is that all you want with that?
(Lopes then changes his order.)
Worker: You just trying to stand here and talk to me more.
Lopes: Maybe.
The flirting continued through the paying process and actually held up the line. I remember her saying: "No, boy. You started it."
For my 10th and final song of my upcoming LP, I decided to go with an original score. Of course, I don't play no fancy instrument, and my lack of an in-tone singing voice is much spoken about. I do have the beat in my head, though. Just need a basic guitar rhythm.
This little ditty came to me as I was waking up Thursday. The first two verses anyway. I did the third verse Saturday.
I wrote it for a girl but no girl in particular. Just a girl. It might even work better as a poem to be handed to her. I sang it the other day for Tina. She said: "That's pretty good." Without further ado, I present: WOULD YOU MIND?
Would you mind if I stayed for a little while?
If it meant being with you, I'd go the extra mile
Would you mind if I finished this song I'm playing now?
If it's any good, at the end, I'll take a bow
Oh (insert girl's name here), I can't get you out of my head
I'd like to be with you 'till the day that I'm dead
When you're around, I grin from ear to ear
Cuz when I'm with you, I have nothing to fear
(Humming interlude)
You brighten up my day with the words that you say
I wouldn't be OK if you ever ran away
Every dawn I pray that you'll come out and play
With me, please stay 'till we're old and gray
Would you mind if I stayed for a little while?
If it meant being with you, I'd go the extra mile
Would you mind if I took your hand in mine?
In the news of my day, you take the main headline
Would you mind if I stayed for a little while?
Would you mind? Would you mind? Oh, would you mind? (3x)
Repeat first two lines (much slower)
THE TINA CURSING CORNER
My mom cleaned the blinds in the dining room this afternoon. Today's entire corner is in relation to those blinds and us putting them back up.
Mom tries to reattach the blinds. "Why won't you fucking work?"
Mom gets frustrated with the process. "I don't even know what fucking day it is."
I'm watching the Season 3 finale of Lost in my room. I hear (during the viewing): "Shit. ... Motherfuck. ... Bitch. ... Fucking bitch."
I finish the finale (which was insane) and go back in the living room. Mom is still struggling. "Why won't this fucking stick?"
We finally put them back up, but right before they clicked into place, there was a problem. "Fuck. You fucking bastard." (At least they're clean now. Like you could tell the difference.)
DID YOU KNOW?
Did you know there' s going to be a digital transition June 12? Did you know that you and I probably won't even notice anything different? Did you know that you can save e-mails? No, really. You can totally do that. Did you know that Tyler Perry's House of Payne is the highest rated cable comedy series of all-time?
PARTING SHOT
Folks are discussing what the W. in Pierce W. Huff stands for.
Marcus: He just changed it from Womanizer.
Pierce: I wish I was a womanizer.
Marcus and JRap: Whoa. You're married.
Pierce. I meant before.
THE DAILY TOP LIST
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the return of the Guest Top List. Take it away, Lopes. Lopes' top five encounters with lower-wage female workers.
5. Wendy’s.
Freshman year at Loyola, I went to this fine establishment on Claiborne. The exchange I had with the young lady behind the counter:
Worker: Can I take your order?
Me: Umm ... yeah. I need to get three ...
Worker (cutting me off): You real cute, you know that?
Me: Oh. Thank you ... orders of chicken nuggets.
She really caught me off guard. I left without her number.
4. Circle K
Recently, I stopped at a gas station to pick up Gatorade and some meds before heading back to work. I saw a National Inquirer with Hulk Hogan on the front and picked up a copy for Gene. The lady behind the counter asked if I could get her one.
Me: Sorry, last one.
Worker: Oh, that’s OK. I was going to read that.
(Exchange about Hogan)
Me: You know she (Linda) asked for more money after he said he couldn't blame O.J. for what he did.
Worker: That bitch. If I was him I’d say, ‘Gimme my titties back. Gimme my titties and gimme my nose.’
3. Quizno’s
Went to my usual Quizno’s for a sandwich during work and had a new girl behind the counter making the sandwiches. I ask for my usual.
Me: Can I get that with light mayo and light mustard please?
Worker: Umm ... we don’t have any light mustard. Only regular.
(10-second pause)
Other worker: *Laughing* He means not a lot. Woooow.
She then messed up my order again when I asked for no lettuce, just some parmesan cheese. She put lettuce on there anyway, and I remind her that I want none. She just kept the lettuce there and wrapped it up.
I left without a sandwich.
2. Burger King
Went to the BK in Elmwood with two of my friends, who were a couple. I ordered first as they were on their way. The girl taking the order was not not not not NOT on the attractive side.
Worker: Can I take your order?
Me: Umm ... Let me get ...
Worker (asking the eternal question): Say boy ... you black or you white?! Or you mixed!?
Me: (5-second pause): Uhh ... doesn't matter. I need a #11.
I sit down with my back to the worker. The couple arrives, and the girl sits with me, facing the worker as her boyfriend orders. The worker makes eye-contact with the girl and does the "Is he with you motion?" The girl loudly replies: "Oh no. My boyfriend is up there. He’s all yours."
I sank my head and avoided that Burger King for a long time.
1. McDonald’s
During senior year after basketball games, I drove two underclassmen, Keith and Darnell, home. We usually stopped at the Mickey D’s on Franklin and St. Claude. When Keith wanted to hit on the girl in the window, however, it became our final trip there. After we pulled around after ordering but before we got to the window:
Keith: Lopes, she sounded cute.
Me: Yeah, she did.
Keith: Say bruh, tell her I wanna talk. I wanna get her number.
Me: You sure, Keith?
Keith: Yeah, man. I’m positive.
Little did we know, she was positive, too. We get to the window, and the girl had a jacket on and was standing close to the register.
Me: Excuse me, ma’am, my friend here said you sound really cute. He wants to know if he could get your number.
The girl moved back and pushed her jacket back a little bit. She was about seven months pregnant.
Keith sank so low into his seat that the bottom part of the seat belt was across his neck. We never returned.
THE GENE POOL SAYS: Loved it. Lopes could do a reality show where he just went around to fast food joints and ordered food. I'd watch this show. I actually have been present for a Lopes-lower-wage-female-worker encounter that didn't make this list.
On the way to Dallas last year for Game 3 of the Mavs-Hornets series, we stopped at McDonald's. After Lopes' order, he has this convo with the young lady worker.
Worker (in flirting voice): You want fries with that?
Lopes: Yeah. I'll take some fries with that.
Worker: Is that all you want with that?
(Lopes then changes his order.)
Worker: You just trying to stand here and talk to me more.
Lopes: Maybe.
The flirting continued through the paying process and actually held up the line. I remember her saying: "No, boy. You started it."
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