IT'S ONLY LIKE MY FAVORITE T-SHIRT, GOD!

After the movie Napolean Dynamite, I noticed a lot of people wearing Vote for Pedro T-shirts. The trend has since stopped. But when it was a red-hot fad, I got sick of seeing these damned shirts. I didn't just bicker, though. I took action. Decisive action.

For a little Christmas present to myself a few years back, I went to one of those airbrush places and made my own T-shirt. It says: I Voted for Summer. Summer, of course, was the girl running for class president against Pedro in the movie. I picked two summer colors to really bring home the power of the T-shirt. Seriously, Pedro didn't even have a campaign ("Vote for me and all your wildest dreams will come true" and a dancing friend). Summer, on the other hand, had a platform and fliers. Not sure what the platform was. But she definitely had one. I'm positive.

Anyway, I've gotten a lot of compliments on the shirt. I'm pretty proud of it. Though every time I get in my overheated car, I think: Boy, maybe I should have voted for Winter.

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom and I are discussing the switch to digital in February. I comment that I see the warning about that everywhere. She says: "Pretty soon they're going to have fucking billboard signs flashing on the interstate."

My mom and I are discussing the Homicide 37 series (which is really well done; you should all read it) on the front page. Mom is talking about the suspect. "He's fucking 15-years-old." http://www.nola.com/news/index.ssf/2008/07/homicide_37_seeking_justice_fo_3.html

Mom was complaining about the weather all day. She was trying to work in the yard. "I started at fucking 8:30 this morning. I was against the fucking weather." It poured rain for a while (I was sleeping). "All I needed was 20 more fucking minutes. Oh, my fucking back. I can't catch a fucking break. ... I can't catch a fucking breaks." Then, a few minutes later. "It lasted like 30 fucking minutes and then the fucking sun came out."

My mom doesn't know about this segment of the blog. So please don't tell her. I thought for a second that she caught me writing down her comments today. But she mistook my intentions with the pad. I was watching the Cubs during her weather rant. She says: "What are you taking notes on the fucking game?"

The pouring rain briefly woke me today at 9:30 a.m. My mom was pissed, but she didn't mean for me to hear this: "I've got to have the laziest fucking son in the world. Motherfuck. He's so fucking lazy."

CHUCK NORRIS DOESN'T MAKE ADS ...

I was watching the Cubs-Brewers game at Chuck's house with Chuck and Bob when a Total Gym commercial came on featuring Chuck Norris. I was thinking about the difference between the Chuck Norris lines (i.e. Chuck Norris counted to infinity ... twice) and this sissy ad for an exercise machine. The Chuck Norris I know wouldn't be peddling this crap for some fee.

But I did think of my very own Chuck Norris line: Chuck Norris doesn't exercise with the Total Gym. He is a total gym.

A WHORE LINE AND A NEW PICKUP LINE

You know the lines: She's like a doorknob, everyone gets a turn, and she's like the village bicycle, everyone's had a ride. Well, I've always liked those two, but I think there needs to be a trio of them. I've never heard of another one, so I came up with one myself. She's like a boxing ring, everyone's had a round.

I was watching Ryan Theriot get interviewed after the Cubs win when I thought of the perfect pickup line for a baseball player getting interviewed by a hot reporter. In the middle of the interview, instead of answering the question, he should have just said: "What do you say you swing by my hotel room later and I'll show you the old hidden ball trick."

THE GENE POOL DIP (I MEAN TIP) OF THE WEEK

If you're at home and you decide to order a pizza from one of the chains, always go pick it up. That free delivery or one-dollar delivery fee is a bunch of bullshit. Take Papa John's for example. Until it recently increased prices, a large, one-topping pizza for pickup was $9.72 (I forget the new figures). The price for delivery was more than $14. I found this out when I ordered once. They gave me the 14 something price; I said I'll pick it up; then they gave me the $9.72 price. But the box says one-dollar delivery charge. OK, pops.

HOW TO RUIN A DAILY TOP LIST

Bob read my list on things I haven't done that most people have or would be willing to do. He gave me a suggestion to break them all. He wants me to go to a Canadian tattoo parlor that's showing a Val Kilmer marathon and get a stripper there. I should pay her to take her clothes off and then once they're off, have sex with her (not for money). I tell Paul this suggestion, and he recommends a change. I should have a stripper at a Canadian strip club tattoo Val Kilmer on me while I have sex with her.

Me: His face or his likeness?

Paul: Both.

Me: I'm going to need some stamina.

Are Canadian strippers known for their sexual prowess? I think I'd rather go to Europe somewhere and get this done.

MOVIE REVIEW: STEP BROTHERS

Whenever I see a new movie, I'm going to put up a quick review. Since the usual going rate is based on four stars and the actual pool in my backyard is four feet high, I will be rating the movies with feets of water in the Gene Pool. So, I'm giving Step Brothers two feet of Gene Pool water. I need to figure out some sort of graphic for this. I'm open to suggestions.

What I liked: Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly have great chemistry. The first 30-35 minutes developed really well. I liked some of the lines. Spoiler alert!!!! ("I feel like a lightning bolt hit the tip of my penis"). The ending had some merit. The dinosaur as a recurring image was nice.

What I didn't like: After the first 35 minutes, the childish gimmick got real old. It became boring right about the time they beat up the doctor while sleepwalking. There was too much cursing. It's funny a few times and when used right. But not in every fucking line. Plus, I didn't like the way they treated their parents. Like Paul said, it would have been a great SNL skit.

By the way, I get to the theatre at 11:05 Wednesday night. The movie had just started.

Paul left a ticket for me at guest services. No worker was stationed there. I saw the ticket under a pad and just took it. There was also no worker at the ticket-tearing booth. So I just walked right in and went in the screen. How many people do you know can have no contact with a worker and still get into a movie and/or have the full ticket stub from a movie like so?

PARTING SHOTS

During the Cubs-Brewers game Wednesday night, a bat was broken. Chuck predicts the announcers will now talk about the problem the league has been having with broken bats. He counts down with his fingers. When he gets to the last finger:

Sutcliffe: Man, they're everywhere, aren't they?

O'Brien: What the broken bats? Yeah.

Sutcliffe: It's reaching epidemic proportions.

Prep writer Strom (a large man) is talking on the phone in the corner.

"If it's worth a dinner, I'd be glad to sit down and do that."

THE DAILY TOP LIST

I've been blogging for a month now. I missed July 1, but I blogged every other day of July. Yeah for me. Here is the top five of the Gene Pool for July. (I'm also starting a guess top 5 once a week. If you have a top 5 (on movies, music, sports, reasons you hate me, etc.) write it down and give it to me or e-mail it to me at gguillot@timespicayune.com and you too can be a part of the Gene Pool.)

5) You decide in the poll on the right of the page. Help me readers, you're my only hope. Note: The For Real Man won.

4) My oil change.

Who wouldn't want to wait from 8 a.m. to 5:30 p.m. for a simple procedure that my mom says "a fucking ape can do."

3) Six Beers.

A term for anyone acting obnoxious because they've been drinking. Named for a guy who was hitting on every girl in site and trying to pick fights with the security at a wrestling show.

2) The Tina Cursing Corner.

Everybody's favorite mother (besides their own, of course) and her foul mouth have changed all of our lives. For the better.

1) Paul's hooker.

One of the great stories of our time. Has anyone confirmed that a blow job costs 20 bucks on Airline? No? Yeah, I believe my mom too.

GO TO THE RAVEN NEVERMORE

After work Tuesday night, I went down to Maple Street to meet my friend Greg (you remember, he let the wannabe porn star out of his sights in Florida) and Jessica, whom he has been after for like ever. It's your classic boy wants girl, girl almost lets boy have girl, boy thinks he's getting close to girl, girl tells boy to back off, girl hooks up with other guys and tells boy about it, boy sulks, girl calls boy to cry because other guys hurt her, boy thinks he has a chance. And repeat. We've told Greg to give up and forget about her, but he keeps going back for more. Maybe it's because she's a redhead. Maybe he can't get over her. But she's definitely using him, and it's upsetting to watch. Did I mention she was hot and smelled nice?

Anyway, I walk into the Raven where they are playing pool. Never heard of the Raven? Well, it used to be called T.J. Quill's. At one time, you couldn't walk by Quill's (or T.J.'s as some people called it) without seeing the crowd overflowing into the patio. It's the first place I ever had a beer. The king of underage drinking bars, Quill's was the host to many a 16- and 17-year olds. Tuesday was the world famous Quarter Beer Night, or Tiny Beer Night as my friend Jenna called it. I walked in there Tuesday at 11 p.m., and I made the count a solid 12 people. When I left twenty minutes later, the count was a stout 16. Though I'm pretty sure 11 of them were 16 or 17. (At right, the sad sight of an empty Raven. Oh how the mighty have fallen.)

When I left Bruno's at 1:50 a.m. half-drunk, Greg and Jessica were leaving the Raven. We walk to our cars together. Jessica is drunk, and I'm sure Greg is thinking this could be his time. I'm willing to bet nothing happened and if something did, she probably told him today that it wasn't going past that. In the Raven, there was another guy playing pool at the table next to them named Greg, and my friend Greg said the other Greg also had a thing for Jessica. How many guys is she currently teasing? I don't know, but other Greg was definitely giving Greg the evil eye. I tell Greg this. He says: "I know. That's been going on all night."

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

Mom is telling me she's having problems with her Ipod. "This fucking thing, I tell you. I play it last night for 50 songs. I turn it back on this morning, and it starts over from the beginning."

Later in the day, I'm updating mom's two Ipod shuffles on my computer.

Twice while looking at her list, she said: "Oh, shit."

She looks at the song on the screen by Maroon 5 called Makes Me Wonder: "Is that the one with fuck in it?" I say yes. "OK, give me that."

While doing the updating, I was also watching wrestling on TV. She was upset because I was rushing her during the process. She notices the wrestling. "Are you watching something on fucking tape while doing this?"

The updating didn't go perfectly. Some of the songs were left off one of the Ipods. I told mom I didn't quite know why that was the case. She didn't believe me. "You just don't give a shit. That's all."

WE HAVE LIFTOFF

Could I be more excited about the Rockets getting Ron Artest in a trade? No, but I can't be as excited as T-Mac, who can probably feel the first-round playoff monkey starting to ease off his back already. Artest is a beast on defense, he runs the floor, he can shoot and he can post. He's an outstanding No. 3 option.

With our current roster, there is no way Houston doesn't get out of the first round in 2009. Except for a lack of big-man depth on the bench, the Rockets are a championship team. I think they can win it. Here's our lineup: Alston, T-Mac, Artest, Scola, Yao starting. Shane Battier should be the 6th Man of the Year. The rest of the bench: Carl Landry, Chuck Hayes, Brent Barry, Luther Head and Steve Francis (yes I think he can make a comeback).

Now, if we can only stay healthy. Don't get me wrong, I'm expecting injuries. We just need some luck. When Yao and T-Mac inevitably go down, it needs to be early and not at the same time. Trading for Artest brought this immediate response from me: Champ-ion-ship.

THANKS FOR THE ADVICE, NO REALLY

I'm about to exit the bathroom at Bruno's when I notice the sign pictured to the right above the door. It says that drinking during pregnancy may cause birth defects. Well, no shit.

But why on earth is this in the men's bathroom? I mean I read about that "man" getting pregnant, but I don't think that will become commonplace. Right? Is that a normal thing in the men's room at bars? I don't think I've ever noticed this anywhere else. Not that I was looking. Do they hope men will read this and warn their pregnant wives? Or is it there in case a pregnant woman goes to the bar, gets drunk and stumbles into the wrong bathroom? Then she'll read the sign and realize she shouldn't be drinking. One life saved, right there.

It says city ordinance at the bottom, so maybe it is a requirement. But still, this sign looks more out of place than Kate Moss at an all-you-can-eat buffet.

WHAT DOES A YELLOW LIGHT MEAN?

Slow down. (Ha. Ha.) So that's what I did last night when I noticed the light up ahead turn yellow at River Road and Causeway. I didn't see it from afar, but sort of saw it at the last minute. I break to stop for the red light. Except that the light never turned red. It was just stuck on yellow. I've seen broken lights flashing yellow or red before. We all have. But I've never seen a broken light stuck on a color. That was weird.

Maybe the powers that be want all drivers to slow down in the area. You know, for safety.

FAVRE LOOKS SUPER DUPER ON THE COVER

Somebody might have already made this joke. I could be way behind here. Sorry, if I am. But do you know the real reason the Packers have told Favre they don't want him back as the starter? It's not because they have full confidence in Aaron Rodgers. They're want Favre to stay in some other capacity or will trade him because they know he's going to get hurt or have a really bad season. How do I know this? Well, Favre is on the cover of Madden 2009. It's a curse. We all know that. He only agreed to be on the cover because he thought he was retiring. Can't be cursed with injury or a poor season if you're not playing. However, the curse is back, baby. I'm thinking about buying the game, not so much to play it, but to look at it and smile every time Favre throws a pick.

He's going to suck. Remember I told you this.

PARTING SHOTS

Derry tells everyone he got a hug from outgoing AFL commish Dave Baker.

Marcus: Did he give you a big hug?

Derry: He wrapped his arms around me.

Ann: Did he wrap his legs around you, too?

The picture at right is of three girls dancing. There were more, I just didn't get them in the picture. What were they dancing to? Umm, the Spice Girls. At soon as the song hit, a large group of girls came from all corners of the bar to dance and sing together: If you want to be my lover, you got to get with my friends...

Yet another reason to stay away from the female species. Well, the young ones anyway. (Don't tell anyone, but I kind of like that song.)

THE DAILY TOP LIST

My top 5 favorite villains in movies.

5) Hans Gruber. Die Hard. 1988.

So calm. Yet so cruel. When he shot that Japanese guy in the head, we knew he meant business. Though he couldn't quite catch old Roy Rogers.

4) Mola Ram. Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. 1984.

Has any other villain ever literally reached in and took someone else's heart out? Too bad he couldn't rip out an alligator's heart.

3) Capt. Dudley Smith. L.A. Confidential. 1997.

Effective because he was a police captain, and you didn't see him being the bad guy. A moment of shock that was. James Cromwell has also played a pretend good guy in the General's Daughter and in season six of 24.

2) Freddy Krueger. Nightmare on Elm Street. 1984.

1-2 Freddy's coming for you. 3-4 Better lock your door. 5-6 Grab your crucifix. 7-8 Better stay up late. 9-10 Never sleep again. This dude gave me nightmares as a kid. I'd always wake up right when he was about to kill me.

1) Dr. Evil. Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me. 1999.

The only bad guy I've openly cheered for. I said: Right and OK a lot in 1999. Maybe I should bring that back. We'll see.

RICHARD HITTING THE BIG TIME?

If the rumors are true, the Oklahoma City NBA team will be called the Thunder. As you may know, that was my nickname for Richard. Well, it was short for Thunder Lips, but still. Richard's apparel will soon be selling like hotcakes in Oklahoma City. Who wants to chip in and buy all kind of Thunder stuff and send it to City Park?
I'M DREAMING OF A BLOG ITEM

Apparently, the blog has been on my mind lately. The past two nights I've had a dream where I said to somebody: "I'm putting that in my blog." When I wake up, it pops in my head to remember to put the story in my blog, but then I realize that it happened in my dream. What was I thinking? Paul and I could never become world tag team champions.

My mom has also been cursing at me in my dreams, and I think to myself in the dream that I have to write the quote down so I don't forget to put it in the blog. She yelled at me last night in my dream: "Get your fucking life together." Or did that really happen while I was half-awake? Hmmm.

THE TINA CURSING CORNER
Mom was making porkchops today. She prematurely thought the stove was heated. "Goddamit. I thought it was hot. Fuck."

DOES ANYBODY BLOG IN ENGLISH?

This site wouldn't let me log on last night to start a new blog entry, so I went through some other blogs on the site, hoping to find something entertaining. Some of the 20 blogs I went through might have been, but I wouldn't know. You see, none of them were in English. Apparently, blogspot has a large foreign contingent.

WITH THE RISING COST OF FUEL

In the past couple of months, I have grown tired of reading this phrase. That phrase has been this year's version of "before the storm" and "after/since the storm." I felt like I was reading one story a day on increasing gas prices and how people were adjusting. There was about three weeks where the gas prices at the stations I pass hardly changed their price. The one around my corner read 3.99 for more than three weeks in a row. Yet I still kept reading about the rising cost of fuel. Now that gas prices have fallen in the past week, I'm eager to start reading about the declining cost of fuel and how people feel they can start driving freely again. Nah, I don't see that happening. I think I'm more likely to continue reading about the rising cost of fuel. Because in case you haven't heard, it's rising.

THE ONLY-JUST CONNECTION

Other words that truly irritate me are only and just, when just can be substituted for only. These words are not needed and sometimes add an unneeded opinion to a sentence. He allowed just/only two runs in six innings. I just/only need five more dollars for dinner. That rant lasted only four sentences. I'm just saying.

PARTING SHOT
Marcus and Terry are discussing what page to move an ad to.

Terry: Just tell me where you want me to put it.
Brick: Marcus, this is your chance.

A CORRECTION TO A TOP LIST

I did a list on the top 5 things I have stolen. I made the comment about No. 4 that the Wendy's tray was there because I needed to fill the list. Today I remembered something better for that spot. As with the other stolen items on the list, the incident took place in high school.

In senior year, we didn't get along too well with Brother Martin's soccer team. In the regular season, both of our matches went to shootouts, with each team winning one. In the aftermath of the shootout at Brother Martin, I casually picked up one of their soccer balls and tossed it over the fence by our bus. I picked it up as we were leaving and still have it in my garage today. And yeah yeah, that was the shootout we lost. I was bitter. Big deal. It's a nice soccer ball. Has Brother Martin's logo on it and everything.

THE DAILY TOP LIST
The top 5 losses by one of my teams that took place in the regular season.

5) Rockets vs. Celtics. 2008.
Rockets had a five-point lead late in the second quarter. The Boston win ended Houston's 22-game winning streak.

4) Saints vs. the last three games in 2002
The Saints had a 9-4 record and needed one more win to make the playoffs. But lost by one point to the Vikings on a Culpepper scramble and then to the Bengals and Panthers, who were both god-awful.

3) LSU vs. Tennessee. 2005.
I watched this one at Mellow Mushroom We thought it was over at halftime with a 21-0 lead. The game was moved to Monday night after Hurricane Rita. A nightmare of a comeback by the Vols.

2) North Carolina vs. Duke. 2005.
The Heels did win the title that year, but losing to the Blue Devils always stings. The Lawson-McCants-May was special to me because we are in the same class. UNC had a last-second chance to win, but the play failed badly.

1) Dolphins vs. Jets. Nov. 11, 2000.
The Fish had a 30-7 lead entering the fourth quarter, scored a touchdown in the fourth and still lost. This was so embarassing. And so hard to watch. I hate the goddamn Jets.

AS I LAY ME DOWN TO SLEEP


I woke up Monday with just enough time to eat, shower and get to work fashionably late. When I strolled into the living room trying to shake the cob webs of sleep out at 2:30 p.m.,
mom was there to greet me. "You're going to sleep your life away, son. Are you even going to go to work today?" Yeah, I know. I thought the same thing. Why didn't she say: "You're going to sleep your fucking life away, son. Motherfuck." She was watching "Across the Universe." I think the Beatles relax her a little bit.


(Writing that reminds me of the writer we had one summer who compared the 1999 U.S. women's soccer team's popularity to the Beetles. Yeah. Like the insect.)


It's hard for me to wake up early. If I don't have specific plans for the daytime, I'll awake at a decent time but then fall back asleep. I really don't sleep that much. Though I'm probably one of the few people, and I think the only one I know, who gets the recommended eight hours of sleep on a consistent basis. Last night, I went to bed at 5 a.m. More on that in a second.


Sleeping through the day often makes me look like I'm living under a rock. If something big breaks during the day, I usually don't find out until I get to work. People will be discussing/arguing the day's news, and I'll hear the chatter and be like: "What happened?" That usually generates a stare, like how can you not have heard about this. Hey, if the Saints make a big move at 3 a.m., I'll know before any of you. If I'm off, I won't know the news until I read the paper the next day.


Going to bed in the wee hours of the morning certainly doesn't help. If I don't go straight home and instead go drink or gamble, then I have no chance of waking up early the next day. If I go straight home, I get home around 11:30 right now - that will turn into 12:30 soon. I can never go to sleep right away. I'll knock out a disc of a TV show on DVD. I'll watch wrestling for hours. I'll watch poker reruns. On the Internet, I'll write this blog (like I'm doing right now at 1:07 a.m.), listen to music, download a podcast and read some sports articles. I'll watch SportsCenter, pick up a movie in the middle and finish it or get caught up in an infomercial. Did you know that you can get rich in real estate, cure cancer with household products and get girls to take their tops off by turning on a video camera?


At least I never go to work tired.


THE TINA CURSING CORNER


I was only awake and at home for an hour Monday. I heard my mom mumble "shit," but I don't know the cause for it.


I open the door to leave, and there is a stack of fliers on the doorstep.
Me: Let's see what these are for.
Mom: It's all fucking bullshit.


Mom flips through the stack of menus and whatnot. She sees an ad for a car detailing place. "What the fuck is this? Oh, it's for cars."


SANDY CRACKS THE CODE


I have been setting pages at work for three years. After you set a page, you need to log it, so that the folks printing the paper know it's coming, or something like that. I've never been given a log button, which means someone else has to stop what they're doing and hit the button for me. The talk of me getting a log button has been on and off (mostly off) for all of those three years. It becomes a problem when I'm the last person setting a page, and everyone else is leaving. Somebody has to stay and wait for me.


On Tuesday night, I was the last one to set a page. Sandy and Jelly had just shut down their computers. Oops. I realize this and say someone needs to log this baseball page. Maybe it was laziness in not wanting to start her computer again. Maybe it was a moment of brilliance. The chronicles of history will never know the real answer, but Sandy figured out how I can log pages. It's so freaking easy that it's really sad none of us had thought of this before.


The log button is nothing more than a new story creator. All I have to do is open a new story, name it what I would type to log the page and move the story to makeup. Duh. (For those of you I don't work with, it's really, really simple. Not figuring this out before is the equivalent of someone putting their hand on your mouth and you not knowing to breath through your nose.)


PARTING SHOT
Marcus and Jelly are discussing that Fox reported the Ellis negotiations are heating up.


Jelly: I hate the news!
Marcus: How do you feel about Huey Lewis? (pauses to let it land, then all proud of himself:) Give it up!


THE DAILY TOP LIST
More of the top 40 all-time TV shows. You have to feel bad for these because they are high, but they miss the top 10.


15) Seinfeld. Seasons: 9. Episodes: 180. 1989-1998. I don't have this as high as most people in my generation have it. I like the concept, the inside jokes, the catchphrases. But overall, it doesn't quite do it for me as much. I feel akin to George, though. Biggest other fan I know: Nick.


14) Taxi. Seasons: 5. Episodes: 114. 1978-1983. What does a yellow light mean? Slow down. Classic. Great cast: Danny DeVito, Christopher Lloyd, Judd Hirsch, Andy Kaufman and Tony Danza. Biggest other fan I know: My dad.


13) Psych. Seasons: 3. Episodes: 33. 2006-present. Some are saying that James Roday will play me in the movie. Yes. Yes. Yes. Gus and Shawn might be the best comedy duo going. This has potential to move up. Biggest other fan I know: Bert.


12) How I Met Your Mother. Seasons: 3. Episodes: 64. 2005-present. The most underrated show on TV right now, maybe ever. Season 2 took a small dip, but Season 3 was just great episode after great episode, especially the Final Four one. Could move up, but could also dip depending on how they solve the whole mother thing. Hopefully, it's legendary. Biggest other fan I know: Kaila.


11) The King of Queens. Seasons: 9. Episodes: 207. 1998-2007. The modern day Honeymooners indeed. Seasons 7-9 aren't what I would call classic. But you love every minute of Doug and Carrie before that. Arthur is awesome, too. Biggest other fan I know: Jacob.

NICE ARMS AND HONKY TONK DANCE MOVES

Paul and I were looking for something to do Saturday night. Perhaps something quiet. But we couldn't find anyone to hang out with when we decided this at midnight. So we go to Bruno's.

We're sitting at a table at 1:40 a.m. when the action picks up. Two tall, skinny whorey looking girls come in; one has a boyfriend. They sit at the table next to us. A few minutes later, the Rolling Stones' "Honky Tonk Women" comes on, and they get up to start dancing. They both dance on a Six Beers dude that was at the bar. The girl with the boyfriend takes Six Beers' Cubs hat off and puts it on. The other girl takes it from her, puts it on her head and then throws it over the bar. She showed good form, I got to say.

The girls sit back down. The single one gives Paul the eye. He plays it cool, waits a few minutes and then makes a motion for her to come sit with us. Apparently, she didn't like that he waited because she noticed his motion but didn't react except for a scowl. He was better off. Trust me. Though she did have a good arm. She might have been into a little one-on-one football game, if you know what I mean.

A tall, blonde guy walks into the bar (we'll call him Joe Cool). He runs quite the game on our single lady friend with the great arm. First he sits at a chair at their table and waves them off and mumbles, "Don't pay attention to me. I'm just sitting down." Yeah, right. A minute later, he interrupts their conversation. He tries to make a joke. They pretend to giggle.

Meanwhile, I look over to where the dancing took place. Four grown men are breaking out a new dance move. Or they were having a collective muscle spasm. Here's how it works: You lift up your pants leg a little bit to expose some skin, shake your leg like a lunatic, step forward with the leg, drop pants leg. Repeat. Don't forget to have a look on your face that says: Look at me. I'm exposing myself. I'm a bad boy. I deserve a spanking.

R. Kelly's "Ignition (Remix)" comes on, and the girls head back to do some dancing. At different points, Six Beers, Joe Cool and the boyfriend all had 2-on-1 dance time with them. The single chick takes Six Beers' Cubs hat, puts it on her head again, and then throws it over the bar again, this time hitting a bartender pouring a drink. I wonder if she has a curveball.

When everyone returns to their seat, Joe Cool goes in for the kill. He gives the single girl his card, explains the reason for the card and then says something to her that prompted this response: "I'd have to break up with my boyfriend." A minute later, the no-longer single girl gives him her number. Is it 99 percent or 100 percent that it was a fake number?

Right before we left, Six Beers comes over to their table all pissed off. "Where's my fucking hat? Seriously, where is it? I want it back, now." She just threw it; she didn't know where it landed. I was glad to see Six Beers was fond of his Cubs hat. A stumble out the gate in the second half is no reason to just let somebody take your Cubs hat and keep it. Good for him.

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom returns from Hollywood Video with a few DVDs that she bought. She opens a broken one. "Son of a bitch. I have to watch when I pick up shit."

We're watching License to Wed (not a bad little film). A character walks two kids using one of those leashes. "I hate those fucking things. If you can't take care of your kids, don't have 'em."

Mom made a white cake with white icing (don't worry she makes chocolate cake too). "I messed it up. I can't get the eggs right. I had to put it in the fucking refrigerator."

I had the ArenaBowl on the second TV while watching the Cubs game. Mom goes to turn the station to watch a movie. She gives the game a strange look. "Is this fucking football?"

It starts raining. "Motherfuck. It never stops."

MY WEEKLY CUBS THOUGHTS

-- I saw Soto and Fukudome giving each other some dap in the dugout Wednesday in Arizona. They touch knuckles and give a Japanese bow to each other, then move their fists away from each other and let go of the fist while making a boom noise. I like to call it the Jap Dap. I also want to start greeting people like this.

-- Since the break, the Cubs are 4-6. In wins, they average 8.5 runs; in losses, it's 1.3.

-- It was a touching moment when Dominic threw out the first pitch Friday to Ted Lilly, who had hit Dominic in the head with a foul ball two weeks ago. Dominic suffered a skull fracture.

-- The starters have been terrific. Eight quality starts in 10 games in the second half. And in nine of the 10 games, the starter has gotten through the sixth inning.

-- Soriano got off to a slow return. I figured he was trying too hard. My thought was once he gets the first homer, he'll take off. He hit one Sunday to tie the score at 5. Let's see if he goes.

-- The bullpen really, really needs Wood. Freakin' blister. It needs lefty Scott Eyre too. It's a bit of a rag-tag operation right now.

-- MVP of the Week: Reed Johnson. I still haven't fully come around on this guy for some reason. But he had two fine defensive plays Saturday and hit a grand slam Wednesday in a game the Cubs won 10-6. He also homered Friday for a 2-1 lead.

-- Lou's been tossed twice this season, both by the same ump. I hope that guy isn't around in October. By the way, I've been worried about Sweet Lou late in games ever since he told a reporter that he didn't make a certain substitution because he had a "senior moment."

-- I like Samardzija. He's got a great fastball; if he figures out the breaking ball, he'll be good for a long time.

-- You have to feel bad for Rich Harden. 17 innings. 30 strikeouts. 2 runs. No wins.

HE'S GOT SOUL, HE'S GOT SOUL

Since I'm sure you didn't see any of it - and quite frankly, why would you? - I have three observations from ArenaBowl XXII. I promise it has little to do with the game.

1) Bon Jovi kissed a dude right on the lips when he got to the field to celebrate the victory. Smack dab on the lips. Not sure if he meant to do that.

2) There was a coaches' challenge (yah, they get two), with a split screen of a coach on the left, the ref in the middle and the other coach on the right. There was a cheerleader in the shot on the left doing her thing. Then all of a sudden, she's on the right side dancing in the frame with the other coach. Then she was back on the left. How is that possible? I was confused.

3) The Philly coach challenged a play. They let you listen to convos with the ref. Here's what went down. A San Jose guy fumbled, a Philly guy recovered, but the ruling was that the San Jose guy was down.

Ref: "What are you challenging?" (What a friggin' idiot. He's challenging the spot. No. He's challenging that it was a fumble, you idiot. Would an NFL ref ever say this?)

Philly coach: "They fumbled. We recovered. It's our ball."

Ref: "That's not a challengeable call."

Philly coach: "What? They fumbled. We picked it up clean. It's our ball."

Ref: "So, you're challenging that it should be your ball?"

Philly coach: "Yes."

Ref: "So we need to see if it was a fumble or not. And if you recovered it. Got it."

The conclusion of the challenge? I don't remember that anymore. It's the AFL.

AFTERNOON DELIGHT

As I got to Howard Avenue for work Sunday, I happen to the look at the clouds to the left. Two lightning bolts formed in the clouds and streaked from the sky. I had never seen double lightning in my life. Heck, I didn't even know that was possible. To make sure I wasn't seeing things, I googled double lightning. I didn't find much information on the subject, but I did find a couple of pictures. It can't happen very often, though.

Maybe double lightning is what Ron Burgundy and the gang saw to inspire them to sing about making the sparks ignite.

SPAIN HITS THE TRIFECTA

The Spanish are en fuego. First, Spain wins the most entertaining Euro Cup in history. Next, Spaniard Nadal beats Federer in one of the five best matches ever in the Wimbledon final. Then, Spaniard Carlos Sastre wins the most drug-free Tour de France since (umm, since I don't know when) on Sunday. That's an impressive, trifecta.

What's next? Are they going to lay the smackdown and win the United Nations Battle Royal?

PARTING SHOT

I ask Jelly how the birthday party went with Jack. She didn't seem to enthusiastic when she responded.

Jelly: "He had a great time running around on their acre for an hour and a half. And I had a great time chasing him."

THE DAILY TOP LIST

The top 5 things that I haven't done (and don't plan on doing) that a lot, if not

most, people have done or would be willing to do

5) Leave the country.

I've barely left the South, much less the country. I don't foresee ever needing a passport. I like it just fine here in the good old US of A.

Closest I've come: When I went to Detroit, I walked toward the water and saw Canada.

How this could be broken: If I got married, and the honeymoon was in Europe. Or I went to the World Cup.

4) Have premarital sex.

Closest I've come: With my high school girlfriend (this saga deserves it's own blog)

How this could be broken: 1) If I'm really drunk. 2) If I ever have a relationship that lasts more than a month. 3) If I'm close to death, and I decide I can't go out like this.

3) Get a tattoo.

I don't see myself putting permanent ink on my body. I can't grow old with that.

Closest I've come: I've had a temporary tattoo twice that lasted two weeks.

How this could be broken: If I had a girlfriend, got drunk and she then convinced me to get a little something something on my upper arm. Perhaps a fleur de lis.

2) Go to a strip club.

I'm not very into people being paid to take some of their clothes off in front of me.

Closest I've come: Every time I walk down Bourbon.

How this could be broken: When my friends start to get married, and the bachelor party is at one. So far, only my gal friends (two married, two engaged) have gotten hitched.

1) Watch a Val Kilmer movie.

I have never seen anything with Val Kilmer in it. I wear this as a badge of honor. Most people are shocked to learn this and don't believe me. Well, believe it, baby. I realized this in 2006. Before that, I wasn't doing it on purpose. Now, I kind of am, but I don't remember ever wanting to go see a movie that he happened to be in. I promise I haven't seen Top Gun (though I know some of the lines), Real Genius, the Doors, Willow, Batman Forever, Heat or the Saint.

Closest I've come: Paul, Bert and David had the perfect plan. At different points, they each casually mentioned that they had seen a movie called Mindhunters and that it was really good. By the time the third one said it, I thought to myself: Man, I've never heard of this thing, but I best be seeing it, so I don't miss any inside jokes. It backfired when someone (I forget who it was) was talking about the movie and the actors in it. This person didn't know my Val Kilmer rule. When Paul and them said one night, let's watch Mindhunters, thinking I'd go along because I had expressed interest before talking to the bean-spiller, I had to tell them their grand plan had fallen through. But it would have worked. They did pick a lesser known film.

How this could be broken: 1) I'm tricked (though I've since imdbed his movies). 2) He has a bit role in something, and I see it without realizing. 3) He has a guest appearance on a show I watch (not sure if that would count). 4) He's in a July 4 movie with Will Smith.

BUD'S BROILER: ALWAYS A GOOD TIME

I love me some Bud's Broiler, which is my favorite fast food place. Most people like a #3 or a #4, but I always order a #7. My thinking is not many other places make a mean hot dog. I've been to seven Bud's in the metro area, but I go to the one that's 24 hours on Clearview most often. The main drawback is that refills aren't free, but if you have a Bud's cup (and I do), you get a pretty big drink for 75 cents when you order a sandwich and fries. It's a pretty cool cup, too. Has all the locations written on it. I always bring it with me when I know I'm making an appearance at the house that Bud broiled.

I meet Paul there Friday night for a little late night dinner. We have a theory that something interesting always happens when we go there, most notably lesbians making out in the corner once for a solid hour. Friday was no exception. At first I thought the 15-year-olds behind us were the main attraction. While Paul counted the amount of times one girl said "like," I listened for the content. She said: "He's 15, but he's cool. I've texted him. I've went out with him once. Today he said 'I love you' and blew me a kiss when he left. But whatever. We're going to the movies tomorrow." Then, the real entertainment began.

A girl in tight short shorts walks in by herself, orders and sits down. She looks very much like a crack whore. Her eyes had that look that could only mean she recently used some kind of hard drug. Not that I would know anything about that. I'd say she was 16, maybe 17. She stares blankly off in space until her order is called. As she's leaving, a guy from the table next to hers comes over to hit on her.
The Mac Daddy: "Hi. My name is (I can't make it out). I would just like to introduce myself. You know, break the ice."
(He then reaches out to shake her hand. Maybe keep the convo going.)
Crack Whore: "It's nice to meet you too."
But she didn't really mean it. How do I know? She shook his hand by holding out the remnants of her meal. That's right. She shook his hand with her trash. The Mac Daddy dropped his head in defeat and returned to his group as she left.

Maybe I got the whore part wrong.

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

I was in my room when my mom started yelling. I don't know what this outburst is in response to: "What stupid ass does that crap? Motherfuck. Lord knows." Hopefully, that wasn't directed at me.

My mom has been having trouble using her debit card. "I've been having this card for fucking years. I go to type in my pin the other day. It won't take. I had to do it as a credit. Same thing happened this morning. I mean I've been having this pin for fucking years. I can't believe I don't know my fucking pin."

Mom was cooking up some wings when she burned herself on the arm. "That's just what I fucking needed. More marks. I've got enough with those fucking mosquitoes outside."

Mom was trying to watch something on Demand today, but it wouldn't work. We have this problem about once a week because Cox sucks. I couldn't blame her for this outburst. "Motherfuck. Every time I want to watch Demand, it's never fucking there. They got to be the fucking biggest fucking joke. Motherfuck. I can't go a month without having fucking problems with them. (After 20 minutes on the phone waiting for service:) They don't give a fuck about their customers." Are we the only ones having this problem where you click select to go on Demand, and the screen just goes back to the previous station? It's really frustrating.

WHERE ART THOU FATHER?

Many of you might be wondering why my dad hasn't been mentioned on the Gene Pool. Well, today is your lucky day. I haven't seen my dad much since I started this blog, and therefore haven't had much to say on that matter. I can tell you he is still in a state of euphoria after watching both the Jayhawks and Celtics win the title. I think he went on vacation to basketball heaven.
I did see him the other day. We had this exchange.
Dad: What you doing?
Me: Working on my blog.
Dad: What's a blog?
Me: It's something on the Internet where I talk about my life and observations.
Dad: And other people can read that?
Me: Yes.
Dad: You better be careful. That can get you into a shitload of trouble.

PAUL DEFENDS PICKING UP A HOOKER

At Bud's on Friday night, Paul brought up the now infamous hooker story. He tells me some of the kiddies at work are calling him "the guy who turned down sex." I tell him that folks at my work were making fun of him for not being aware that he had picked up a hooker. He gets defensive and says, "Yeah, but she was wearing a T-shirt and jeans. She didn't look like a hooker. Did you tell people that?"

Oh, my bad, Paul. If she wasn't half-naked with her pimp bitch-slapping her when you pulled up, how the heck could you possibly tell she was a hooker? How bout the fact she was hanging out in an empty parking lot at 2:30 a.m.? How bout when she asked for a ride to Airline? How bout when she didn't immediately ask for food or money, you know like a homeless person would? How bout when she accepted a ride from a stranger?

But hey, Paul is the same guy who has had to get a new ATM card twice (or maybe three times) because he left it in the machine after a transaction. And the same guy who in the same month left two different cars (his and his mom's) running and locked himself out. The hooker could have instead been a serial killer, and Paul would have drove her out to the middle of nowhere without suspecting anything.

NAKED RUSSIANS MIGHT WORK BETTER

I watch a lot of TV. I mean a lot. I don't mind watching commercials either. They might rarely be informative, but they are often entertaining and funny. But right now, I'm going to tell you about two terrible commercials on TV right now.

The first one is for Honda. A guy is stopped on the road by naked parachutters. He lets all seven of them in the vehicle naked. The commercial is supposed to tell the consumer that the new Honda (whatever it's called) is spacious. What the hell is Honda thinking here? I feel like they're trying to tell me that if I drive the Honda (whatever it's called), naked people will stop me on the road and ask to get in. Gross. Gross. Gross.

The second one is for Burger King. I think. The guy in the hamburger costume (I loved the other commercial when he says: "I wish I'd never been broiled") goes up to the drive-thru at Wendy's on foot. The worker tells him that the burger comes with a baked potato. The Burger King mascot is perturbed and says: "A baked potato. What are we in Russia?" What? Are baked potatoes exclusive to Russia now? Are baked potatoes now disliked by most Americans? I'm pretty sure a baked potato can come on the side of a hamburger. This commercial makes me want to go to Wendy's. Not Burger King. Maybe the BK mascot shouldn't have been broiled.

PARTING SHOT
Jelly tells Sandy how motherhood is making her lose her mind.

Jelly: "Today, I took Jack to a birthday party that's tomorrow. The best part: It was in Slidell. I drove all the way across the freakin' lake. ... He was all dressed up looking cute, and we didn't go anywhere."
Liam: "That's not true. He got to see the lake ... twice."

THE DAILY TOP LIST
My top 10 songs from when I was born until I started paying attention to music. (It's from 1983-1993).

10) I Want It All. Queen. 1989.
Freddy Mercury and Dr. Pepper make quite the combo.

9) You Give Love a Bad Name. Bon Jovi. 1986.
As Neil Patrick Harris would attest to, this is the perfect song to kick off a mix that really brings it.

8) Summer of '69. Bryan Adams. 1984.
I wrote a parody of this song to reflect my very own summer of '69 in 2003.

7) With or Without You. U2. 1987.
Makes me think of Ross and Rachem. I mean Rachel.

6) Smooth Criminal. Michael Jackson. 1987.
As it turned out, Michael was not so smooth at being a criminal.

5) Runnin' Down a Dream. Tom Petty. 1989.
Was played during the Super Bowl and the NBA Finals this year.

4) It Ain't Over 'til It's Over. Lenny Kravitz. 1991.
The best of Lenny's slow stuff.

3) Enter Sandman. Metallica. 1991.
I'm not real big on Metallica, but this song is awesome.

2) Livin' on a Prayer. Bon Jovi. 1986.
Has climbed in recent years because of the Molly Ringwalds.

1) Under the Bridge. Red Hot Chili Peppers. 1992.
I'll never forget how I felt
when I first heard this
Red Hot took my breath away
Took it all the way

FAST TALKING AT DEALER TIPPING HIGH

I played poker for four hours last night. Don't be alarmed, but I lost 80 bucks. Hey, it could have been worse. One guy kept beating me like he was any random NFL wide receiver and I was Jason David. It was a pretty boring night until the two-hour mark when a guy I will call the "For Real Man" sat down at the table.
He had a T-shirt that said REEF (whatever brand that is) and a backward cap. I never saw the front. At the end of every other sentence, he said "for real." For instance: "The Saints got Jeremy Shockey. That's a big dude, for real. I went to Saints camp today. Brees and Shockey are going to make magic, for real."

The FRM might have stopped talking for five minutes in the two hours I played with him. I thought I talked too much. But this guy acted like the bus from Speed would blow up if he stopped talking faster than 50 miles per hour. Here are my favorite five comments he made.

-- "The Tazmanian devil got me in a lot of trouble when I was a kid. Word up."

-- (A server is getting his chips, and the dealer puts a button by him that says Chips in Transit) "Chips in Transit? What am I at the airport?"

-- "My girlfriend is down at the strip club right now trying to make some money."

-- "If the Saints win the Super Bowl, oh man, it will be so crazy. I'd have to go on maternity leave."

-- "If this were the World Poker Tour, I'd be in my cab already." (I have no idea what this means, either.)

Unfortunately for the rest of the table, the FRM started winning. These were his hold cards in three consecutive hands: Pocket aces (held up), Pocket kings (made quad kings), Pocket aces (held up). After the third hand, he recounted to the table his last three hands as if we weren't sitting right there. Every twenty minutes thereafter, he repeated the hands. For real.

The FRM's real name was revealed in a conversation with a dealer.

Dealer: "Your turn to act."

FRM: "How'd you know that was name? Are you psychic?"

Dealer: "No. I said it's your turn to act."

FRM: "Oh, I thought you said it's your turn, Dax. That's my name. I thought somehow you knew it. That was freaky, for real."

He kept telling everyone to smile and have fun. No one could do either because he was pissing them off. He didn't get the message. Every five minutes or so he would say: "Don't forget to tip your dealer. Do it, for real. They work hard." This comment was super annoying because everyone was tipping the dealer. It did lead to two entertaining exchanges, the first one being more for the sick-minded. The COB in the second incident stands for comb-over bastard.
1) FRM: "Tip your dealer. It's karma, for real."
Another dude at the table: "I had a girl named Karma once."
FRM: "Did she swallow?"

2) FRM: "Tip your dealer, for real."
COB: "No."
FRM: "Come on, man. They work hard. That's for real."
COB: "I won't tip her until she grows old and dies."
Elizabeth the dealer: "Excuse me, sir. That wasn't very nice."
COB: "Ever since that incident between you and me in 1998. I don't tip you."
Liz: "I wasn't in the casino business in 1998." (She calls over the manager and explains the situation.)
Manager: "It's your decision not to tip, sir. But don't make comments about it, please."
FRM: (Looking at the manager and pointing to the COB) "Boy, this guy is being an asshole."
Manager: "Excuse me, sir. There's no cursing in the poker room."
FRM: (Mumbles) "OK, Grandpa."
Manager: "What did you say?"
FRM: "What? What I say? I didn't say anything." (Waits for the manager to leave). "How did I get in trouble? This guy is the one being the asshole."

Did I mention that the FRM was drinking the entire two hours. Though I'm almost positive he was still sober when he sat down. He did say toward the end of the night: "Man, I could get a DUI right now. For real."

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom was having trouble with the DVR today. It apparently is taping things that she doesn't want. She complained that it taped Numbers, and she went to the guide to show me. It was no longer taping it. "This shit is fucking crazy. Look at it. It's fucking gone."

I was watching the Cubs game, and my mom was watching a movie called Stop-Loss. She yelled at a character: "You ought to be the fucking president."

We were eating the leftovers from Seither's. Mom became upset because the waitress said the dish had crab clumps in between the eggplants. "This isn't clumps. It's stuffing. We got fucked."

CAN I GET A SECURITY GUARD?

I'm leaving work Thursday night when I notice the car next to mine has its lights on. It was a blue car with a Texas license plate, but I couldn't see the make of the car anywhere on it. Being the good citizen that I am, I head back into the building to alert a security person. I walk over to the booth and tell the young man the situation.

Me: "There's a car on the side parking lot with its lights on."
Security: (Nodding.) OK.
Me: "It's a blue car. (I give the plate number, though I can't recall it now)."
Security: (Nodding.) OK.
Me: "Can you like make an announcement or ...?"
Security: (Nodding). OK. (Then he mumbled something incoherently.)

If I had to guess, I would say our Texas friend needs a new battery.

PARGO PLAYING MUCHO POKER

If anyone is worried about Jannero Pargo leaving the Hornets after he opted out of his contract, don't be. Trust me. He isn't going anywhere. Three of the past four times I've been to the casino, old Mucho has been in the house. He's playing no-limit poker with stacks of red five-dollar chips and some green 25-dollar chips in front of him. I'd say he's into poker and the New Orleans scene. No need to worry. Him and Paul playing poker should be a feature in the paper. Maybe in Living. Agreed?

I have no idea how well he is doing, though. Maybe that's the reason he opted out for more money. He might need to pay off a rising gambling debt. On second thought, cancel that feature.

MY FIRST COMMENT

It took until my 25th post, but I finally got a comment. Our winner is Stephen Barrouquere. Congratulations, Stephen. You don't actually win a prize, but you do get to be an item on the Gene Pool. And isn't that reward enough? He commented about me doing this blog while at work. Then referenced the Parting Shot item about me working at a bowling alley when I get fired. Nice effort. Thank you. I would print the full comment, but none of the machines here will open up the page for the comment when I click on it. Of course, that's a seperate issue.
Now that I read it again, the headline for this item isn't the name of a Scrubs episode, but it sure could be.

THE COLOR SCHEME EXPLANATION

Many of you are probably wondering what the deal is with the colored headlines. I'm doing it to spice up the Gene Pool. We'll call it the chlorine of the blog. Here's the breakdown.

Monday: Blue Monday.
Tuesday: Purple. Purple is a Mardi Gras color.
Wednesday: Some type of light blue because the Tar Heels play a lot on Wednesday.
Thursday: Brown. It was the last usable color left and the only day without a color to go with it.
Friday: Green. That's when we get paid.
Saturday: Orange. That's the main color of a tiger. The Tigers play football on Saturdays.
Sunday: Red. Tiger Woods wears red shirts on Sundays.

PARTING SHOTS

D is watching Team USA play Canada. He saw some holes in their play.

D: They're going to get killed by Greece.
Bake: Yah. That stuff is bad for you.

Marcus took a phone call.

Marcus: Hey, Bake. We need to change some numbers in that story. ... But none of the names.
Four other workers in unison: To protect the innocent.

Marcus tells Brick he needs to show him how to blog pictures.

Me: I can show you how to blog pictures on the Gene Pool.
Marcus: Don't ever invite me to the Gene Pool again.
Me: I thought we were going to have a swimming party. You, me. Some beer. Some sun.
Marcus. Uhh. No.
Me: Come on. You definitely would win the cannonball contest.

THE DAILY TOP LIST
The next installment of my top 40 all-time TV shows.

20) Everybody Loves Raymond. Seasons: 9. Episodes: 210. 1996-2005. This is a show that kept the laughs going without using jokes and one-liners. It relied on character interaction. That's how I would make my show. Biggest other fan I know: My mom, who grew up living the Italian life. Marie reminds her of her own mother.

19) Welcome Back, Kotter. Seasons: 4. Episodes: 95. 1975-79. This one worked because of jokes and one-liners. Did you know Gabe Kaplan is an accomplished poker pro? Biggest other fan I know: Max, who does a hell of a Horshack imitation. Just ask him. He'll do it.

18) Reno 911! Seasons: 5. Episodes: 73. 2003-present. The only cop show I watch. And calling this a cop show is a stretch. This is probably the most underrated comedy of my lifetime. Biggest other fan I know: Nick.

17) House. Seasons: 4. Episodes: 86. 2004-present. House is a big-time asshole, yet you find yourself liking and cheering for him. It makes you think. It makes you laugh. He gets shot, shocked, jailed, fired, etc. Biggest other fan I know: This has been the toughest to decide so far, but I will give it to Bert.

16) Monday Night Raw. Seasons: 16. Episodes: 791. 1993-present. This was a tough one to rank because it isn't exactly a regular show. But it is scripted, episodic and has storylines. It's the only one on the list I've seen live. No offseason. No retakes. Biggest other fan I know: Paul.

JUST AROUND THE CORNER

My mom and I ate lunch today at a place called Seither's on Hickory Road right by Jefferson Highway. I had not heard of the place until I read about the owner in the T-P's Top 10 places to eat boiled crawfish. One week later, I read about it under the listings for seafood places in Gambit Weekly. I didn't know there was a well-liked seafood place within walking distance of my house. Naturally, we had to check it out.
We were first going to eat there on the day I got my oiled changed, but since Volkswagen botched the simple procedure, we had to deal with them instead.
We had an appetizer called Eggplant Harahan (possibly the greatest name ever for a dish). We both liked it. It is a stack of three eggplants with crab stuffing in between them. They top it with five boiled shrimp and their own special sauce, which was quite tasty. I also liked the fried shrimp. They were big and crunchy. It was a bit pricey, but everything about the place was good, including the service. Definitely worth the trip if you are looking for a different seafood joint.


THE TINA CURSING CORNER

On our way to Seither's, our path down a street was hindered by a roadblock. Mom said: "Why the fuck did they put that there for?" The parking lot at Seither's is not in the best condition and doesn't have set spots. Mom said: "Where the fuck do you park?"
On the way home from Seither's, my mom was turning right when she was cut off by someone turning left from the other side of the highway. She didn't take kindly to that, yelling: "People don't know how to fucking drive. That's their fucking problems. They get in a wreck and they're like, 'Oh, I was there first.' That's not how it fucking works."

My mom is also sarcastic. She couldn't find her keys when we got home. I go outside to make sure she didn't leave them in the car. I didn't find them. She finds them in the key hole of the front door a few seconds later. She said: "You must be blind. Try looking in the door next time."

THE GENE POOL DIP (I MEAN TIP) OF THE WEEK

If you want to see some free movies currently in the theatre, you've come to the right place. Head over to the AMC Palace Elmwood (though I'm pretty sure this trick works at Clearview). Buy a ticket like normal to a movie. See the movie (Don't forget to bring your own snacks). When the movie is over, simply walk into another movie. Watch that film. Repeat.
The Palace takes your ticket at the front of the lobby. Here's the skinny dip: After taking your ticket, the Palace employees don't keep track of you at all. I recommend doing this trick when you have the day off. Start in the morning, and you can see about four movies for the price of one. Have I done this before? Yes, but since Paul works there, I see movies for free all the time. I'm just trying to give back to the community here.

PARTING SHOTS
The first three are from Bake. The last two are from Marcus.

People wanted to see my new haircut at work today, but I was still gunshy about removing my hat.
Bake: Come on, Gene. Take it off.
Liam: I don't ever want to hear you say that again.

We're discussing how the center has a tough job in football.
Bake: Plus, he has a hand up his butt.

I'm sitting at the end of the table at dinner because the table was full.
Marcus: Gene, why are you sitting at the head of the table?
Bake: That isn't the head. It's the other end.

D is reading about Barry Bonds possibly going to the Yankees.
D: Bonds could be in pinstripes.
Marcus: You mean, when he's sent to jail?

Marcus is talking about me getting fired.
Marcus: I hear there's a job opening at the bowling alley.
Me: Oh, yah. Which one?
Marcus: It de-pends.



THE DAILY TOP LIST
Sandra Bullock is my favorite actress. Here are my top 6 Bullock films.

6) The Net. 1995. This is an underrated thriller.
5) The Vanishing. 1993. I watched this about five times on HBO in one week. Creepy stuff.
4) While You Were Sleeping. 1995. I have fond memories of watching this one.
3) Miss Congeniality. 2000. Interviewer: Describe your idea of a perfect date. Miss Rhode Island: I would have to say April 25th. ... All you need is a light jacket.
2) Speed. 1994. One of the many good films of 1994, the best year of film during my lifetime.
1) Two Weeks Notice. 2002. My favorite romantic comedy. Grant + Bullock = Magic.

TAKING A DIP IN THE GENE POOL

I went for a swim for the first time this summer. I have had an above ground pool in my backyard since I was 6. I took it as a bad sign when it started raining after ten minutes of swimming. The actual pool, as most of you know, is not the inspiration for the Gene Pool. Now seems like a good time to explain its origins.
Sometime ago in a land far far away (Baton Rouge), my friends and I were discussing pick-up lines. During the discussion, I decided that I should make one up instead of talking about other ones that everybody knows. It almost immediately came to me. Walk up to a girl:
Me: "How's it going? My name's Gene."
Target: "Pretty good. My name is (so-and-so)."
Me: "That's a lovely name. Do you like to go swimming?"
Target: "Of course. I love the beach. Hee-hee."
Me: "Want to take a dip in the Gene Pool?"


I haven't actually used this. But I'm really starting to consider it. It's clever. It's original. Everyone I tell it to seems to enjoy it. She might be impressed, laugh and give me her number. Oh, who am I kidding? That's a slap in the face waiting to happen.
Here's the best conversation that pick-up line has inspired. We're talking about the line at work when I announce that I actually do have a pool in my backyard.
Beth (one of the designers): "You should put a sign by it that says Gene Pool."
Me: "That's a good idea. I just need a designer to come over and help me with it."


THE TINA CURSING CORNER

I'm trying to finish watching something before I go in the shed for my mom to give me a haircut (more on that later) when she yells for me to hurry up. "Don't act like I'm your fucking servant."
My mom and I were discussing having dinner early Wednesday. At 6:58 p.m., I ask if she wants to go to that place for dinner. She responds: "What are you talking about? You talk in fucking circles." (We didn't have dinner.)

SOMEBODY GOT A HAIRCUT


I have basically had the same haircut since I was 5-years-old. Before that, I had dirty blonde hair that eventually changed to brown. It was a bowl cut, and it was pretty darn long. After that first shave, though, I haven't felt the need for a different haircut. In the
seventh grade, I made a deal with a teacher/coach that if we won the flag football city title, I'd let my hair grow for three months longer than normal. We won, and I grew my hair out until it looked terrible.
My mom has been doing the shaving for about 10 years. It's simple. It saves money. There's been some long lapses between haircuts. I had one in October, March and now July. Except that Tuesday night I got a slightly different haircut.
This cut left the top of my head with more hair than the sides. Reggie Bush and Jannero Pargo also recently switched to this style. Though they went to a professional. And in my version, my hair is shorter in all places.
I kind of like it, but I'm not sure if it looks good. Haven't had any feedback quite yet. You see, I'm wearing a hat everywhere.


LIVING IN A LONELY WORLD


I was off Wednesday night and craving a burger from Bruno's. Plus, if I went there, I could check out the Cubs game. Sounded like a plan to me. So I call SEVEN friends to see if they're interesting in either eating, drinking and/or playing some darts. How many made it out there? Let's see if I can remember correctly here. Oh, wait. It was none. None.
Did I still go? You bet. I had a tasty burger and watched the Cubs win in Arizona (finally). And no. I didn't take the midnight train going anywhere. Although that was the time when I left.


EBONY AND IVORY GO TOGETHER IN PERFECT HARMONY
I've noticed that Hollywood likes to pair a black man and a white man in cop movies, or movies where the duo conquers some type of evil force. I've been compiling a list of these type of movies. Here's my list of 31. I'm sure there are more that I don't know about. These were all made while I've been alive, except 48 Hrs., which came out in 1982. Close enough.


Seven: Morgan Freeman and Brad Pitt
Die Hard: Bruce Willis and Karl Winslow (Not his real name, I know)
Die Hard with a Vengeance: Bruce Willis and Samuel L. Jackson
Beverly Hills Cop (3): Eddie Murphy and Judge Reinhold
Lethal Weapon (4): Mel Gibson and Danny Glover
Big Momma's House: Martin Lawrence and Paul Giamatti
Running Scared: Billy Crystal and Gregory Hines
The Last Boy Scout: Bruce Willis and Damon Wayans
Loaded Weapon: Emilio Estevez and Samuel L. Jackson
SWAT: Samuel L. Jackson and Colin Farrell
See No Evil, Hear No Evil: Richard Pryor and Gene Wilder
Independence Day: Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum
Miami Vice: Jamie Foxx, Colin Farrell (I know it was a TV show 1st)
Showtime: Eddie Murphy and Robert De Niro
Enemy of the State: Will Smith and Gene Hackman (this one is iffy)
Nothing to Lose: Martin Lawrence and Tim Robbins (this is also iffy)
National Security: Martin Lawrence and Steve Zahn
Wild Wild West: Will Smith and Kevin Kline
Men in Black (2): Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones
48 Hrs. (2): Nick Nolte and Eddie Murphy
I Spy: Eddie Murphy and Owen Wilson
Bad Company: Anthony Hopkins and Chris Rock
Blue Streak: Martin Lawrence and Luke Wilson
Brewster's Millions: Richard Pryor and John Candy


Let me know if you think of more, and I'll add it. Or if you disagree with these.
There are 11 different black guys, and 21 different white guys on the list.


THE POOR GRAMMAR SIGN OF THE WEEK


The Mets beat the Phillies to tie for the division lead Wednesday night. During an interview with closer Billy Wagner, ESPN showed a Wagner sign in the crowd. It read:
STICK A FORK IN EM' BILLY
Where do we begin here? I bet Wagner wouldn't appreciate the person who made the sign saying that he is being possessed by EM. Obviously, the apostrophe belongs in front of the E. Now, it wouldn't be so bad if that was the only mistake, but the sign maker left out the comma in front of Billy that is needed because Wagner is being addressed.
At least our uneducated New York fan didn't leave out the EM.


PARTING SHOTS
On my way into Bruno's at 9:30 p.m., an older gentleman was leaving. Talking to nobody in particular, he said:


"It's hell to get old."
Bake, you know what this guy's talking about, right?


Inside Bruno's I overhear this conversation between two gentleman in their 40s. They were playing some twisted game of one-upsmanship, if that is a word.


First guy: "My daughter is going to (someplace I couldn't understand) this weekend."
Second guy: "My daughter is going to Florida this weekend, too."
First guy: "You're not listening to me. I told you this five times already. My daughter's not going to Florida. She's going to (repeats the place I couldn't understand)."
Second guy: "Oh yah. Well then why is my daughter going to Florida with your daughter's boyfriend?"


And you thought my eavesdropping was a character flaw.


THE DAILY TOP LIST
I'm a bit of a kleptomaniac. Sometimes, I just can't help it. Here are the top 5 things I've stolen. Feel free to judge me. Keep in mind, these all took place during high school.


5) Almost an Olive Garden buzzer
I figured that since I was family, I was entitled to take something home with me. At OG, they give you that buzzer thingy that blinks when your table is ready. Well, I didn't give it back to the waitress when she seated us. I didn't say anything to the rest of the people with me until we were about to leave. Big mistake that was. My friend David insisted I give it up, even grabbing at it. Nobody else was too keen on the idea either. Clearly, I should have waited to brag.


4) A Wendy's tray
I left Wendy's one time with the tray to use at home. That's not really a big deal, right? I must include it here, though. Who else does that sort of thing?


3) A Galleria sign
I was at the old Galleria movie theatre near Rummel. There was a parking sign barely hanging on in the parking garage. It was pointed at the stairwell. I noted to Paul that the sign was useless (because you can't park in the stairwell) and wouldn't be missed. I jumped up and hit it until it fell. I took it home proudly and was trying to hang it in my room when my mom decided that wasn't happening. She threw it out. Boooo.


2) A wrestling chair
At many wrestling events, the fans sitting in the first two or three rows are allowed to take home their seats. They usually have the name of the show written on it, sometimes with a picture of a wrestler on it. At the December 13, 1999, Monday Nitro, my friend D.J. and I were sitting in the 10th row, but by the end of the show, we were in the fourth row.
We asked some older folks in the third row if they were keeping the chair. They said no. We asked for their tickets; they gave them to us. The problem was that after the show, the security people said only the first row could keep the special chairs. I thought that was bullshit. Why would the first three rows have special chairs but only the first row be allowed to keep them? Idiots.
So we pick up the old folks chairs and walk out all cocky like we were in the first row. One security guard stops me in the line to look at my ticket while D.J. slips right by both security guards doing the checking. The security guy took the chair I had, but we got away with one chair. D.J., knowing I was the bigger fan, let me keep the chair. It still sits in my room.
In the news this week, I read that two fans were arrested for trying to steal these kind of chairs from a WWE show. Apparently, they weren't as sneaky as us.


1) A Pancho's glass
I went with a Rummel club (I forget which one) to Pancho's on Veterans to celebrate something we had done. I don't like Mexican food. So all I did was drink. I had seven glasses of coke. I was pretty proud of that, and I liked the glass. It had curves and looked fancy. I just left with it.
I drank out of it every chance I got. Unfortunately, I left it Uptown when I evacuated for Katrina. When I went back to get my stuff two weeks later, old Pancho (as I call the glass) was a tad moldy. Naturally, I don't use it to drink anymore, but I do keep it for the memory.