SPORTS. HOW MAY I HELP YOU?

1) I watched the final three innings (the seventh and eighth courtesy of mlb.tv) of Jonathan Sanchez's no-hitter Friday night. That dude had some wicked stuff, especially his breaking ball. Two complaints.

a) ESPN only showed the final inning. Come on. You're showing other baseball highlights instead. Really? When the perfect game was broken in the eighth, Sanchez began pitching to the next batter. ESPN's ticker continued to say that the perfect game was still intact.

b) Calling Sanchez's effort a no-hitter is an absolute joke. No-hitters involve walks and hit batsmen. Not an error. Screw no-hitter. That was a fucking perfect game, man. We need a new term for this. How about super no-hitter. Or a CEPG. Close Enough Perfect Game. And Juan Uribe should be glad he's not in Colombia.

Sanchez faced 28 hitters, one more than the minimum for a perfect game. Actually, he did better than those 17 guys who threw a perfect game. They all got 27 of 27 out. Sanchez got 28 of 28 out. Sure, there was a guy on first after the error, but he lost points on his batting average.

2) The Tour de France is an absolute joke. How can double digit people finish with the same time? Try that shit and track and tell me how it works out. And how can people compete simultaneously as a team and as an individual? What is that?

3) My strategy to face Albert Pujols? Throw at his face. Let's see him try and hit that pitch.

4) JRap and I came up with a sequel to Who's on First? Abbott and Costello never mentioned anything about the batting order.

Who hits first?
Yes.
Well, go ahead and tell me.
Who hits first!
What-a-ya asking me for. I'm asking you. ...

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom is watching the Bold & the Beautiful. "What kind of fucking show uses fucking ... "

Mom's take on Burn After Reading: "And George Clooney was fucking everybody."

ON THIS DATE IN GENE POOL HISTORY

2008: I told the story of a hitchhiker I didn't let into my car in Baton Rouge. This guy, who thought he was in New Orleans, told me he had a job lined up in Memphis, he just needed some groceries in his belly and a ride.

PARTING SHOT
We're watching the Giants-Padres game on my computer and talking about the slammer.

Lopes: If I ever get to jail, (gesturing to his frame) I'm fucked.

THE DAILY TOP LIST
My favorite five duos of all-time.

5) Woodward and Bernstein.
I gave Lopes and Ramon that nickname once upon a time.

4) Stockton and Malone.
I wanted to be John Stockton when I was a kid. Broke my heart both times when they lost to the Bulls.

3) Samberg and JT.
Gave us Dick in a Box and Motherlover.

2) Riggs and Murtagh.
It's a shame we never got Lethal Weapon 5.

1) The Mega Powers.
The combination of Hulk Hogan and the Macho Man (who I actually like better) are what made me get into wrestling when I was 4.