TINA AND GENE GO TO PANAMA CITY: DAY 4
For the return trip, this segment doubles as The Tina Cursing Corner. This is all during our six-hour journey back to the Big Easy.

My mom complains about a bump on her left arm. "Still don't know how I got this fucking bruise." (I think she may be a sleepwalker.)

A sign on the strip advertises for a Caribbean Crawfish Boil. Mom is offended. "What the fuck is that?"

Mom tells me to call my dad.
Me: There's no reception right now.
Mom: You're fucking kidding me.

We spent almost an hour driving through Mobile because traffic was horrible. At the beginning of the jam: "What the fuck? I'm doing 20. What the fuck's going on? ... What the fuck? ... Fucking came to a halt."

We start moving but only for about .3 miles. "What the was the hold up? Traffic? Like a fucking hurricane. ... Lost 28 fucking minutes (on our estimated arrival time.)"

Mom doesn't like the Interstate in New Orleans East. "Fucking bumping crap."

Mom prepares to return to every day life. "I don't know how the fuck I'm going to watch all that shit I taped."

Mom avoids an accident coming off the Earhart with an older dude who has no clue where he's going. "You got to avoid people like that. You have to look out for them. Look. He just changed four fucking lanes. All the way over. Fucking old people, man."

Coming tomorrow: Our trip to Panama City in pictures.

ON THIS DATE IN GENE POOL HISTORY

2008: I coined the phrase Yat-Together and discussed our July meeting at Five Happiness.

PARTING SHOT
Sandy and Brick are discussing a raccoon problem.

Me: The best way to keep them off your property is to pee around the fence. I heard that somewhere.
Brick: Sounds like a business.
Me: Yeah. Raccoon problem? Call me, and I'll come and pee at your house.
Bake (in his pitchman voice): You supply the beer. I'll secure the perimeter.

A TOP LIST
Vacation, as Kelly would say, was super fun. It was. Here the top five negatives.

5) Missed dinner.
The July Yat-Together happened without me. Amanda rubbed it in with this text: "We'll miss you soooo much fearless leader."

4) The hotel sucked.
It's gone downhill in the 10 years since we've been there. I don't think they'll be in business in two years. All the workers were sketchy, and the place was filthy. I had trouble sleeping.

3) Sunburn.
I sprayed that stuff all over multiple times. It worked, too. Except I didn't spray the top of my head (and didn't bring a hat) or the top of my foot. Those spots be in pain, yo. I ain't wearing shoes for a few days.

2) Money.
Total cost for me: $275.39.

1) Tube trails.
I'm behind on my TV from last week. Plus, I have several Netflix discs awaiting viewing. Operation Ketchup commences tonight.