BYE BYE LOVE, BYE BYE POSTSEASON

OK. I'll admit it. The Saints had my hopes up again heading into this week's game against those rival Bucs. All week, I thought if they can use the momentum from Monday night and find some way to win this one, then they were right back in the playoff hunt. (Instead, they found several ways to lose it.)

With three wins in a row going for them, I figure the Saints would then win both home games, destroy the Lions and possible beat the Bears. But at worse, they would finish 10-6 and hope to win a tiebreaker for a postseason berth.

Now I'm officially ready to lay to rest this 2008 season. Join me. We'll have last rites and everything. I still can see them winning nine games for a hey-that's-not-so-bad season. Remember the last place team in this division always rises up the next year.

Notes on the game.

1) Saints record when I'm there: 3-0.
Saints record when I watch alone: 2-0.
Saints record when I'm at work but Lopes isn't: 1-0.
Saints record when Lopes and I are both at work: 0-2.
Saints record when I watch with Paul: 0-4.

Saints record against teams over .500: 1-6.
Saints record against teams below .500: 5-0.

2) The defense played well Sunday. Sure, they gave up two touchdowns in a row to start the third quarter, but those were both on short fields. Garcia completed well below 50 percent of his passes. That being said, they let him scramble too much, though that was mostly in the first half. Bottom line: The D kept 'em in the game.

3) Red Meat had more rust on him than a nail left out in a flash flood. He made one good move on a second-and-15 in the second quarter. And that's it. He dropped (a team-wide problem) two balls and lost yardage on punts. As Jelly said, he was just like Shockey and Colston when they first came back from injury. Let's see how he responds next week.

4) The Saints and Bucs sure do play some close games. I'm sure JRap can just skip to the next section, but check out some of these scores since the teams joined the NFC South.

Sept. 8, 2002: Saints 26, Bucs 20, OT
Dec. 1, 2002: Saints 23, Bucs 20
Nov. 2, 2003: Saints 17, Bucs 14
Oct. 10, 2004: Bucs 20, Saints 17
Dec. 19, 2004: Saints 21, Bucs 17
Oct. 8, 2006: Saints 24, Bucs 21
Dec. 2, 2007: Bucs 27, Saints 23 (REVERSE!)
Sept. 7, 2008: Saints 24, Bucs 20
Nov. 30, 2008: Bucs 23, Saints 20 (I bet you remember that one.)

So, out of 14 games in the NFC South, eight have been decided by four points or fewer, plus one in overtime. Mostly around that low 20s, high-teens range. I didn't even put down the two games decided by a touchdown.

5) As usual, the Saints got a little too pass-happy. There were times in the second half where I thought they were getting a good balance going. But for the most part ... Here's a key example. The play calling on the drive after the Bucs took a 20-10 lead: run, pass, pass, run. Fine. That's a balance. Then, pass, pass, pass. Now, this was a successful drive, putting the Saints at the Tampa 20.

I yell at the TV at the Fox & Hound: "Now, run the damn ball, dumbass." What happens? Throw. First interception. It was second-and-2. The Bucs were thinking throw. How bout a straight run or a swing pass or a counter running play?

6) Brees is making me real nervous. So nervous I'm thinking about cheering for the Panthers to give him a small injury in the season finale. This passing Marino's last big-time record business isn't set in stone, though. Brees has to average more than 300 yards a game. That ain't easy. Keep in mind, two more 300-yard games for Brees ties the record for most 300-yard games in a season. He's in uncharted waters, folks.

One record I am cheering for Brees to get is most touchdowns in a season in Saints history. Brees currently has the record at 28. That's right. 28. I would like for a Saint to have a 30-touchdown season. Brees is now at 24 with four games remaining. Keeping the two-a-game average gets him to 32, which would also get him to third in career touchdowns in Saints history.

7) All right, enough of the history lessons. Let's get to the three (in chronological order, all in the fourth) big plays that cost the Saints the game Sunday. Before that, I'd like to say that the 10-point comeback was awesome. Really showed some heart. In the end, however, all that fighting and clawing just made these plays tougher to swallow.

a) 10:58 left. Bucs up 20-17. Bucs ball. Third-and-5 at their 30. Fumble.

After VILMA!!! caused the fumble, the crowd at the F&H let out a big roar. I jumped out my chair. An unlucky bounce later, the Bucs recovered. I was left sitting on the floor staring up in disbelief with my elbows wrapped around my knees and two fingers from my right hand clasped in my left hand. What a tease.

If the Saints get that fumble, they have all the momentum in the world and then some. They punch in the touchdown and take the lead. Instead, they went three-and-out after the Bucs punted and tied it on the possession after that. That tying field goal could have given them a touchdown advantage at 27-20.

b) 5:46 left. Bucs up 20-17. Saints ball. Third-and-8 at Bucs 25. Incomplete.

After this incompletion, the Saints kicked a field goal to tie the score at 20. If this third down is picked up, however, the Saints probably punch in a go-ahead touchdown and seize full control. They were set up on the drive in Bucs territory by a band punt. They got 21 yards on the first play. You have to take advantage of these chances.

On the play, Brees threw to the left corner of the end zone for Colston, who was double-covered. Colston had to make one helluva (does this need to be helluvan because the next word starts with a vowel?) effort just to prevent an interception. Both defenders were in perfect position.

Why did Brees throw that pass? Was that the only option? I think he had time. I thought that was perfect Shockey (who was playing pretty well) territory. How about another swing pass to Pierre Thomas? Slant to Devery?

c) 2:33 left. 20-20. Saints ball. First-and-10 at their 17. Interception.

The Saints had a chance here to drive down for the winning points as time expired. They had just picked up a first down. I think Brees was a little too excited or something. I know you already knew this was the biggest play.

8) It's good to see that the short-yardage problems still exist for the Saints and that Payton has learned his reverse lessons against Tampa Bay. You know, because this time it was just an end-around on fourth-and-1. Are you kidding me? Was that some kind of sick joke? Because I'm not laughing. Just staring blankly at the screen.

9) Is it in Jammal Brown's contract that he commit at least one penalty and get beat by his man once every game?

10) Let's go out on a positive note. How bout those new special teamers? Those boys can kick, eh?

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom is cleaning the house. She doesn't like the way I organize my stuff. "Your piles are getting worse. A pile here. A pile there. They're all fucking receipts. You want to keep them all, put them in a fucking shoe box."

I CAN GIVE YOU A RANGE

The most frequently asked question I get is: When do you get off? (Of work, people. Get your heads out of the gutter.) I hear this question at least three times a week. Peeps always be wanting to hang with me after work and all, yo. I can't tell you the last time a weekend went by without me hearing that question. Not that I'm complaining.

The problem is I never really have an answer. There's no set shift length, and we have like four different times the final deadline can be. But that's the only time I can offer a person asking this question.

There's no telling when I will actually be off work. It can be before the deadline, at the deadline, right after the deadline or a while after the deadline. There's no traditional 5 o'clock time-to-go-home buzzer or anything like that.

Sometimes, I'll guess the time to the inquiring mind, but I'll end up being off by 45 minutes. It might feel like an early night, but then, wham, I'm here thirty minutes past when I expected to check out. Plus, I get caught up talking to co-workers after the shift, and who knows how long that can take.

PARTING SHOT
I explain to Liam that if Jacksonville wins against the spread, I tie him for fourth this week in the T-P NFL picks pool, but if Houston wins against the spread, I finish eighth.

Liam: In the end, it doesn't really matter. The queen (Jelly) is running away with the crown.
Me: I know, but I'd like to finish in a respectable position.
Lopes: That's what she said.
(Laughter.)
Liam: Come on. That was an easy one.
Lopes: But it had to be said. Agreed?
Liam: The Russian judge went really low on that one.
Liam and me: That's what he said.

THE DAILY TOP LIST
My top five moments of November.

5) Molly Ringwalds concert.
I went last night. More on that tomorrow.

4) Playing football.
The soreness is just now going away. Hopefully, we play again in December.

3) Hornets home opener.
Remember when I infamously called the Cathedral a castle? Yeah, good times.

2) Watching Top Gun.
I popped my Val Kilmer cherry. But I've got a new one now. I've never seen a Heath Ledger movie.

1) My birthday.
Here's to the next quarter century.

I'M STILL NOT PULLING YOUR FINGER

Since the first installment of making my co-workers' names into verbs (which was really fun), I've noticed them several times this week living up to the definition. It's funny stuff. We don't want anyone to feel left out, now do we? So, here are some more entries.

T-P dictionary

pulling a Sandy, v.
1) to put somebody in their place with a quick retort
2) to insert your 22 cents into a conversation
3) to whisper a secret, even if others aren't around

pulling a Brick, v.
1) to instigate a squabble
2) to laugh in the face of a work disaster and just do your thing
3) to boggle some one's mind with math

pulling a Lopes, v.
1) to eat chips and a Pepsi for dinner
2) to trip and fall on your own while running with a football
3) to have something bad happen to a friend

pulling a Liam, v.
1) to need a ride to or from work
2) to prepare for next year's draft (fantasy or real) during the current season
3) to inject a comment (funny or serious) of sexual content into a conversation

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

I'm in the kitchen and hear my mom yell from the hallway. "I'm tired of dealing with this fucking mess. Sick of it."

I ask mom what she thinks of the name Bronx Wentz.

Mom: Huh?
Me: Bronx Mowgli Wentz. What you think of that name?
Mom: I don't understand a fucking word you just said.

TV WEEK IN REVIEW

Best cameo. Heroes. Seth Green and Breckin Meyer as comic book shop employees. They didn't really do anything, but it was nice to see their faces on the show.

Best romantic moment. Worst Week. Sure, there was no band and the groom didn't have any shoes on, but it turned into a beautfiul scene, the first one of the show where nothing went wrong. Warmed my heart.

Best concept. How I Met Your Mother. The naked man. Here's how it works. If you're on a date and you realize there's no chance of a second date anyway, you invite yourself up to her place saying you need to use the bathroom. When she leaves the room, you take off all your clothes and see what happens. The show says it works two out of three times. I suggested Paul do this with Michelle on their 11th date. I told him it's time to end it or do it.

Best line. Psych. So many to choose from with the holiday special. Here's one.
Gus: Fool us once, shame on you. Fool us twice, shame on us.
Shawn: Fool us thrice, and you make an ass out of "u" and "me."
Gus: Nope.

PARTING SHOTS
We all agree that the BCS is bullshit. We then agree that more money could be made with a playoff system.

Brick: If you're going to do a money grab, then do it right.

We're trying to decide whether or not I should date a whore.

Derry: Usually it takes three or four good whores to find the right one.

THE DAILY TOP LIST
The top five things that went wrong with LSU's football team this season.

5) Poor starts.
Much of LSU's problems stem from falling behind early. In every competitive game except for Alabama (the Tigers best game of the year), the Tigers started in a hole. Observe these trailing scores from the first half.

Auburn: 14-3.
Florida: 20-0.
S.Carolina: 17-10.
Georgia: 21-7.
Troy: 24-3.
Ole Miss: 21-3.
Arkansas: 14-3.

4) Cheerleaders.
For some reason, the cheerleaders weren't as attractive this year as they normally are. This creates two problems. 1) Less distraction for the other team. 2) Less motivation for LSU players to play well.
Maybe they should get Miles to help with recruiting.

3) Having co-defensive coordinators.
Clearly, this system doesn't work. The defense was sliced and diced by just about everyone, including Auburn, which couldn't move the ball for the rest of the season. Assignments were constantly blown. People were out of position on big plays.

2) The quarterback situation.
If Ryan Perrilloux was at quarterback, the whole season wouldn't have been completely different because the defense was so bad. But the offense would have been much more efficient and possible won some of those games where the defense couldn't stop anybody.

Then, Hatch got hurt, and Lee was put in as the only quarterback. That didn't work out too well. At leat we got the term "Jarrett Lee" out of the whole thing.

1) The players didn't play well.
You name it, they struggled. The entire secondary was awful. The coaches might have been bad, but coaches don't miss tackle after tackle. Coaches don't not put pressure on the quarterback. Receivers struggled to get open, running backs struggled for yardage, players didn't keep their cool. And the list goes on and on and on.

I'D HATE TO BREAK TRADITION

As I told you yesterday, I've been to Madigan's on Thanksgiving for several years in a row. When I finished the blog Thursday night and the Hornets game got to halftime, I headed down to the old stomping ground. David and his girlfriend were already there. He also recalled being at Madi's for the fifth year in a row on Thanksgiving.

David and I aren't the only ones with a Thanksgiving Madigan's tradition. I saw my friend Alex, left, for the first time since, um, let me see here, last Thanksgiving. (We didn't plan to meet there or anything. We just both showed up.) He's set to graduate with a master's in architecture from Tulane in May. He wants to start a firm in Nawlins. 

Alex hasn't changed much over the years. Here's classic Alex. David and I are talking to him. He looks at David and points at me: "This motherfucker over here." Or: "Listen, motherfucker. I went fishing Wednesday. This is how I do when I fucking go fishing man. I took a pill at 9 p.m. Tuesday night and passed out. I woke up at 3 a.m. and drank two strong ass cups of coffee to kill out that motherfucking sleeping pill. Then, I got my beer and took off." 

Alex and I once started a baseball league at lunch in the ninth grade. It was quickly disbanded in like a week by the disciplinarian, but it was fun while it lasted. There was a little open area outside the cafeteria (we also ate lunch there for all five years), and we used the rail and a few trees as bases. We had textbooks for bats, and we pitched Skittles to smack around. Apparently, that's considered dangerous. Whatever. 

David, Alex and I aren't the only ones with our own Madigan's Thanksgiving tradition. Every year, this group of people celebrates the day of giving thanks at the bar, and they have a countdown to midnight. Kind of like the opposite of New Year's, counting until it's over. 

Then at midnight, this guy gets up on top of the bar and makes a speech. He talks about giving thanks, about the tradition of Madigan's and makes some jokes about women and shopping on Black Friday (tragic stuff with those deaths, by the way). Then, the group does a big whiskey shot. 

I'm not sure why I haven't joined in. I'm there every Thanksgiving. I like whiskey shots. And most of the guys in the group went to Rummel. In fact, I know the guy making the speech. He also went to Loyola and played shortstop on the baseball team. 

Here's David buying four shots from Bill the bartender. David and Bill are on a first-name basis from when we were in there all the time. Bill is known for making his own shots and naming them.

David: Bill, I can't come to Madigan's and leave without getting a round of Wild Bills.

Bill: Amen, brother. Amen. 

David, Paul, Alex and I toasted to Thanksgiving, Madigan's and Bill and threw down the shots. I love traditions! We didn't even ask Alex if he wanted one. We just walked over to him and told him it was time for Wild Bill. There's also Kill Bill and Kill Bill Vol. 2.

Later on, David, Paul and I were discussing our fantasy football league when Paul delivered his cluelessness comment of the week. At least this time he realized his mistake fairly quickly.

Paul: I can't believe no one has picked up Green Bay's defense. They do well every week.

David: Well, not last week.

Paul: Who'd they play? 

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom is upset by the growing list of unwatched stuff on our DVR. She scrolls down the list. Most of the programming is mine. "Bullshit. ... Bullshit. ... Bullshit."

Our Thanksgiving Friends marathon gave mom the itch to watch more. "The first few episodes of Season 8 are so fucking hilarious." 

I'm watching the third quarter of the LSU-Arkansas game as I'm getting ready to go to work. It's 4:01 p.m. 

Me: Uh oh.

Mom: What?

Me: We gotta punt.

Mom: You ought to punt it out the fucking door.

THE GENE POOL DIP (I MEAN TIP) OF THE WEEK

If you go through a crazy experience in a relationship and then break up, never ever make contact with the ex. I learned this the hard way with Regina. Twice. Welcome to the epilogue of High School Girlfriend Saga.

1) In January of my freshman year of college (2003), I somehow made contact with Regina. I agreed to meet her at Madigan's. She wanted to see the rest of the gang as well. So, Paul, Minkus, Regina and I are sitting at a table in the outside part of the bar. 

An hour into it, Regina tells us that it's time to get a little crazy. Little, I thought? I'm pretty sure we were already slightly past that stage. She stands up on the table and starts dancing wildly. I tell her that she's embarrassing me at my favorite bar. She ignores me. Then, a worker comes by and kicks her out of the bar for causing a ruckus. 

We all leave and are standing right outside the bar. Regina freaks out, breaks down crying and runs off down the street. In classic Minkus fashion, he chases after her and comforts her. I went back inside and continued drinking. 

2) On July 4, 2004, I'm hanging out at the Palace after a movie talking to Paul (who was working) and Minkus. (Yes. I had already watched Independence Day.) I am disturbed to learn that Minkus still has Regina's phone number in his phone. I tell him to delete that shit. 

He then tells me that he's been talking to her. Are you freaking kidding me? He calls her to wish her a happy 4th of July. I know. I should have smacked him in the face and destroyed his phone. Instead, I took the phone and started talking to Regina.

Me: What's up?

Regina: Oh, nothing much. Just hanging out.

Me: You are in town?

Regina: Yeah.

Me: What are you doing tonight?

Regina: Just hanging out with some friends.

Me: Oh. You have friends?

(Click.)

I never spoke to her again. Minkus finally stopped shortly thereafter as well, saying, "Man, she's crazy." Yeah, he's a little slow. Last I heard, Regina is living in Slidell. Be on the lookout, Marcus. 

PARTING SHOTS

D and I are discussing the dangers of playing soccer.

Brick: D, do you know what the most dangerous sport is?

Sandy: Dating.

We're discussing the different approaches our two horse racing writers take when covering the sport. 

Sandy: So, they report from opposite ends of the horse.

THE DAILY TOP LIST

The top five reasons why I thought today was Saturday. Note: This happens to me every year after Thanksgiving.

5) My work assignment. 

I slotted pages, which I usually do on Saturdays. On Fridays, I mostly read stories, and for the past 10 weeks, I've done the prep rail. Plus, there was one deadline at like 10:50, just like every Saturday. Friday deadline has been past midnight for the past 10 weeks. 

4) I hung out with friends the night before.

I never hang out with friends late Thursday and into Friday morning. That has happened before on a Friday night into Saturday morning. So, since I was out until 2 a.m. last night, I thought it was Saturday morning when I woke up.

3) Lack of traffic. 

On the way to work, there was hardly anyone on the road, just like on Saturdays. If this were really a Friday, traffic would be a tad worse. When I got to the parking lot at work, it was basically empty. Much like it would be on a Saturday.  

2) LSU played.

That usually happens on Saturdays. When I woke up and started watching the game, I went into Saturday mode. 

1) I ate meat.

Normally, I eat meat on Saturdays and seafood on Fridays. Well, today was Friday. Did I plan to eat seafood? Nope. I had it in my head when I woke up that I was eating ribs and wings. That's what I ate. I didn't even think to order seafood. The place probably wasn't open anyway, but still. 

TIME TO GIVE THANKS

I told mom Happy Thanksgiving at 3 a.m. Thursday morning when she got up for the day. I didn't say those two words for the rest of the day. Yup, I'm a rebel. Not that I didn't celebrate Thanksgiving or remind myself of the things for which I'm grateful.

Mom made a batch of chicken wings and potato salad. For dinner, I had some leftover ribs and corn. That's the traditional stuff, right? Sorry to say, I don't like turkey so much. I did have a couple bowls of mom's shrimp and corn soup. I felt like I died and went to heaven. For dessert, a cookie crust filled with chocolate pudding and whip cream. Yummy.

I stopped by my grandma's house on the way to work. Lots of family there. I have a cousin named Kaegan, who I believe is 11 now. I've hardly spoken to the kid. Until Thursday that is. His mom, my first cousin, mentioned something about him watching too much wrestling. I did a double take.

I then started talking to him. His four favorites are all good. He's been trying to learn his history and even attempted to stump me with some trivia. All easy stuff. But still, he's only 11. There's hope for this kid after all. I'm thinking about taking him to the next Raw.

In grammar school, they used to make us do art projects for Thanksgiving, where you make the word into an acronym and list all the things that make it a Happy Thanksgiving. Damn, I miss grammar school.

T elevision
H ealth
A nything involving cheap liquor
N ot having to answer to anyone
K eeping my job
S kittles that cost five cents
G ames (playing them, board or athletic, and watching the big ones)
I nternet
V ery good friends
I ntellectual depth
N eedling my mom so she curses me out for your amusement
G ambling at Harrah's

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

At first, my mom is disappointed in the after Thanksgiving sale ads she's looking at. "They just aren't ever gonna put their fucking iPods on sale."

Then, she found something she likes: $2 movies at Wal-Mart. "They have fucking Wedding Crashers for $2."

Mom is looking through the ads and goes off on a tangent. "And what about fucking Nip Tuck? When is that even coming out? Jesus. After that ending. It's like the show went boom. Jesus."

Mom then reverts back to complaining about the ads. "They don't even have fucking Sopranos on sale this year. I guess they're trying to sell that big pack that is fucking $350. Who the fuck is gonna buy that?"

Mom says something about the declining economy.
Me: The economy isn't as bad here as in other places.
Mom: The fucking crime is. We even worse than De-fucking-troit.

I tell mom about my Geico bill dropping because I turned 25. Was she happy? No. She was more worried about the proof of insurance card. "I'm not going to remind you to print out all that bullshit."

BABY DON'T HURT ME, DON'T HURT ME

I was reading the Hornets story on the front page the other day. It was talking about Mr. West and CP3 taking over games in leading the team on a three-game winning streak. It had a chart with their stats from those wins. I then said aloud to no one: "Well, playing the two worst teams in the league didn't hurt."

I quickly realized that "Well, blah blah blah didn't hurt" is the foil to my previous entry, "Well blah blah blah didn't help." Whereas the latter is used when talking about how a loss came about, the former is used to reference the nuances of a victory. I shall use these phrases all the time now. Come and join me.

PARTING SHOTS
We're discussing wikipedia and how JRap is like a walking wikipedia. Sandy says I'm like a mini-wikipedia.

Me: Yeah. You see, JRap's wikipedia knowledge cuts off circa 2000.
Derry: You never want your wik to cut off.

D is telling me that I blew it with the smoking girl Tuesday.

Sandy: Remember, Gene. Only whores smoke in public.
D: Yeah. She could be an ashtray mouth.
Derry: Is that as bad as a potty mouth?
Anne: Or you could be Derry and be both.

Liam had two thoughts on football.
1) On the Titans blowing out the Lions: "I say they put a real lion on the field."
2) On the Saints-Packers game: "I told D that if he went to Green Bay, he would be the only D there."

THE DAILY TOP LIST
My five favorite things about Thanksgiving

5) Madigan's.
I realized while thinking about this list that I've been to this bar five years in a row on Thanksgiving. But hardly ever besides the day of giving thanks. I guess it's a tradition.

4) Short shift. No traffic.
This is on the list for any holiday.

3) Football.
OK. So all three games were blowouts. But ideally, you have a big meal and some good action on the gridiron.

2) Mom's shrimp and corn soup.
It has crab meat in it, too. It is so good. I can't say this enough.

1) Thanksgiving episodes of Friends.
Mom and I had a marathon today. My favorite one is with Chandler in a box.

ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL? 

The last two times my peeps have gotten together to throw the old pigskin around, I've been in bed with a cold. Once, I got the cold that morning. So imagine my excitement when a possible game Wednesday was discussed Sunday night. I just got over being sick. Perfect timing.

This used to be my playground. This used to be my childhood dream. This used to be the place I ran to. OK, enough Madonna. This is Cleary's gym, where I used to knock down open jumpers and aggravate opposing guards as if I were a telemarketer and they were on my calling list.

And this is the field, and more important the goal, where I averaged a hat trick playing soccer when I was 12-years-old. Poor goalies never stood a chance when they saw me coming at them with the ball. Ah, memories. 

This is Bert getting out on the field first to put down the cones and such. Bert seems to always be in charge of organizing these football happenings. He makes the phone calls, picks the time, brings the equipment, sets it up and decides how to pick the teams. Basically everything but tell us where to eat afterward. I don't think these games would happen if not for him. 

Originally, Bert put the time of Wednesday's affair at 3 p.m. Paul convinced him to change it to 1:30 because he had to be at work for 5. Guess who was the last person to show up at 2:10? Yup, that would be Paul. That went over well. 

Jacob approaches the huddle where Bert holds the ball with Kelly doing some sort of dance while Paul and Lopes (hands on hip) look on, probably in bewilderment. I was throwing down a Gatorade and trying to catch my breath. I'm uh, how do you say, uh, out of shape. 

Here were the teams: David, Bert, Jacob and Paul (aka the Baton Rouge hoodlums) vs. Lopes, Arvites, Kelly and me (aka Team Awesome). Counting touchdowns as 1, Team Awesome won 10-7, but not without some feistiness from the B.R. hoodlums. I believe it was 7-7.

Here's how we scored our touchdowns:

Pass from me to Lopes: 1 (We did a jump bump after. Let's go to Dick Vitale for analysis on the touchdown and jump bump. "That was super, scintillating, sensational. Let me tell you something right now. These two have a chance to be really special. Really special.") 

Pass from me to Arvites: 2 (Both on beautiful deep balls where Arvites beat his man.)

Pass from Lopes to Arvites: 2 (Both on jump balls in the corner. Can you say tip drill?)

Jarrett Lee by Arvites: 1 (Picked off Bert for an early 2-0 lead.)

Trick play by Arvites: 1 (Half back pass to him, fake throw down field and run around end. For JRap: I think Arvites really stepped up on that one.)

Passes to me: 2 (Both on short catches and long runs, where I made a move. The first one I made a move just like Lance Moore on his first TD Monday night and finished it by flipping the ball like Colston in the end zone after his touchdown.)

Me to Lopes and back to me: 1. (It was fourth down and 20 yards from the end zone with the scored tied at 5. We knew they were using their one blitz allowed on the possession. Jacob and Paul both blitzed me. I got to the outside, but Arvites was well covered in the end zone. I then spotted Lopes at about the 10-yard line. I dumped it off to him. He was about to get touched when he flipped it back to me, as I was trailing the play. I then took the ball and sprinted to the corner of the end zone and got there just before David could slide over and make the TD-saving touch. Let's go back to Dicky V.: "That was awesome, baby! They need a big TO!")

I was pleased with our offensive performance (we also executed this almost perfect play on another fourth down, but I caught the ball out of the end zone). Defense. Not so pleased. I'm also looking forward to being sore for the next three days. Yippy.

After we finished the game, we were chilling on the bench and chatting. This kid in the red hat began pitching. Earlier, he was working on his hitting. He must have been about 10. He was smacking the shit out of the ball. I felt like asking him if he needed an agent.

The other kid standing next to him (probably about 8) was getting worked over it seemed by the coaches. Why are they working these kids so hard in November, I thought. The coach kept yelling at the kid while he was pitching. "You've got to trust your fastball. OK. Another fastball. You've got to trust your fastball. No more breaking balls. All fastballs from here out. You've got to trust your fastball." 

That poor kid is going to be mumbling that as he's falling asleep. And why is he throwing breaking balls in the first place? David said: "Look at the kid. His face is saying, 'Can we just get this over with so I can go play my Playstation?' " 

We then started messing around kicking field goals. I had already taken off my good shoes and had my old tennis shoes on, untied and with no socks. I nailed a 30-yarder by just giving it an easy but effective smack. I then tried from 35 yards. Same motion, but the son of a bitch football hit the post, popped in the air, hit the post again and fell in front of the goal post.

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom is pissed at me.

Mom: Did you undo my chicken from the foil and not wrap it back up?

Me: Nope. (OK. I pretty much did that.)

Mom: I put the fucking corn on top of the ribs so you would know which was yours. You something.

Mom tells me she gave some of her famous shrimp and corn soup to the neighbors. I ask her if she told them to heat it for a long time. "You don't think they know that? It's fucking soup."

I tell mom that I'm about to leave and go play football with the kiddies. "You're going to be sore. All that sitting on your ass and watching it."

Mom is confused about the storyline for Season 7 of 24. "How the fuck are they gonna explain Tony?"

Mom is feeling better. "I practically used the whole fucking bottle of (nasal) spray. I got (this) new bottle with Vick's in it. I almost used that whole fucking bottle already."

Mom is watching Oprah, who mentions about 17 times that she put together a Christmas album with a bunch of famous artists that can be downloaded for free on her Web site. I roll my eyes. "You can't just download the free songs (for me)? What the fuck?"

I printed out the lyrics to a David Cook song that mom was having trouble understanding. It took two pages. "It probably takes 20 pages to print out all the fucking songs."

Mom looks over at me working on my computer. I have the earbuds and part of the chord wrapped around my ear lobe. "That's cute. You look like you have fucking earrings on."

Mom is not optimistic about the holiday shopping season. "The retail stores are gonna suffer this year. And it's gonna be a big blowup Friday when it's fucking raining."

FOUR CORNERS

A look at The Gene Pool world

-- I couldn't find my wallet Monday afternoon. I looked everywhere. I turned my bag inside out. Nothing. I started to panic. I called Paul and asked him to swing by Mr. Carl's house to see if I left it over there. 

As soon as I hang up the phone, I reach over into the front pouch of my bag, and my hand touches the wallet. I've never put it in that spot before. I call Paul and tell him I found it. I hang up and realize I forgot to tell him something else. I call him back yet again. He answers: "Wrong wallet?"

-- The wallet wasn't the only idiot moment of the week. I thought my iPod shuffle was broken because it stopped playing in the bathroom where it's hooked up to a radio. (I like to listen to music while showering.) I tell my mom the grave news. She looks at it. "The battery is fucking dead." Oops.

-- The Internet hasn't been working at my house the past few days. So to start the blog and to publish it, I've been driving around the corner to pick up a signal. I feel like a spy parked outside some one's house with my laptop on my lap. Hopefully, no one calls the cops on me. 

-- Boy, they're not kidding when they say your car insurance drops when you turn 25. I got my first bill since making 25 on Wednesday. My last bill was $855.30 over six months. My new bill: 646.02. Let's go to Bob Barker: "A difference of ... 209.28." Hot damn!

PARTING SHOT

During our chat after the game, this exchange took place. 

David: So, Paul. You hook it up with that girl yet?

Paul: Which one?

David: Well, aren't you the pimp.

Paul: Not really. The answer is neither. I was just curious which one you meant.

THE DAILY TOP LIST

The top five factions or duos I've been with that had a nickname.

5) Scorpio Row.

JRap, Sandy and I sit in a row at work. We're all scorpios. We meet once a month in the cafeteria to discuss how to take over the office with actual scorpions. 

4) The Coalition. 

An organization of seven formed in December of senior year. We all met up at Lord of the Rings one night, and we took on the moniker from there. We had meetings at lunch. I'm serious about this one. We started the meetings when one of the members ate his first M&M and ended it when he finished the bag. Four or five us were always together. 

Unfortunately, the Coalition had a tragic ending. It involved Regina and her friends (who at one time assigned each of us to one of the Seven Dwarfs) and backstabbing and a teddy bear being put in a blender.

3) Team JLE.

A no-nonsense group that kicks ass and asks the questions later. Jelly, obviously, is the captain that makes it happen. JRap is the senior member. Then, I was added. I believe Lopes is part of this as well now. We don't need meetings. We're telepathic.  

2) The Val-Sal connection.

For most of high school, Johnny and I were in first and second place in class ranking. We were also on two soccer teams for most of high school. In ninth grade, I was in first, he second, and we noticed that we hooked up on several goals, including once to win a tournament. Obviously, our combination needed a name to go with its greatness. 

We came up with this little moniker. When he passed me up later in the ninth grade for good, we stuck with the name. We also used it to refer to ourselves at lunch, like if we dissed somebody. 

1) The Triangle of Trust.

For about two years, Bake, Jelly and I sat in a corner of the department, our desks lined up in a equilateral triangle. We got along well and agreed a lot. We promised to watch each other's backs and pick up the slack when one wasn't there. Our meetings were every night we worked together, staying in frequent communication. 

When I moved to my own desk around the end of April, the Triangle of Trust remained, just not in relation to our desks because we are now in a line. Still, sometimes when I do agate (on the old computer), the Triangle reunites. Whenever that happens, I arrive at my desk and announce: "Triangle Unite."

GREG'S GOLDEN BIRTHDAY 

In keeping with birthday season, Greg turned 25 Tuesday. He told me he was going drinking at Bruno's for 10 p.m. Count me in, I said. I got caught up watching the Heels beat the shit out of Oregon and got there at about 10:45.

Paul ordered this concoction. I forgot the name of it. It is sweet potato fries, blue cheese, chunks of beef and raisins. Yeah, I didn't ask for a bite. I took this picture while sitting on a bar stool at a regular table. There weren't any regular chairs left. I felt like the king of the bar. Nobody, however, followed any of my decrees. 

While we were there, Don't Stop Believing came on the jukebox. I continue to be amazed by the popularity of that song in a bar. It's like everything else going on stops and people just start singing, "Just a small town girl..." Though I seem to be the only one totally rocking still at the end of the song. After all, it was my official theme song in 2004, and I do have a drunk dance for it. 

I didn't get a chance to finish this Tuesday entry until Wednesday afternoon because I was catching up with TV during the day Tuesday. I was going to knock it out when I returned from Bruno's, but I had too much to drink and passed out when I got home. Greg's girl companion Jessica kept making me drink more.

Me: That's it. I'm done.

Jessica: No. You're having another one.

Me: I can't have another one.

Jessica: I can see you want a shot. What shot?

Me: No shot.

Greg: SoCo and lime.

What was I going to do? Not drink it? Then, she insisted I drink another beer. Then another. By the time we were approaching Six Beers status, I was taking the bottle and dumping out a little bit at a time in an empty glass at the table next to ours when Jessica wasn't looking. Luckily, she was caught up in some karate cement chopping contest on ESPN. 

When her and her friend went to the bathroom, I made a run for it and went home. I felt OK to drive, but if she would have bought one more round, I think I would have been screwed. There's a cop car that hides under the Causeway bridge sometimes. I slowed down to the speed limit when I got there. Who does he think he's fooling?

Speaking of Jessica's friend, she was cute enough, so I start up a conversation. Five minutes into it, it was going fine, and I was intent to keep it going. Plus, I was buzzing. Then, she whipped it out. Her pack of cigarettes, that is. End of conversation.

As I was walking to my car, two girls, a guy (and a pizza place) were heading to their car in the parking lot. They were having a friendly argument. 

Girl: Come on. Guys are so easy.

Me (as I walk passed them just loud enough for them to hear): Yeah. Sometimes.

All three laughed. My other option I could have used was: "Yeah. As long as she's hot."

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom is looking forward to the after Thanksgiving sales. "Fucking stores are opening at 4 a.m."

Mom is making shrimp and corn soup with crab meat. (This is like the best thing ever.) "Fucking crab shells. I can't get them all out."

Mom is watching Two and 3/4 Men. Allan calls Malibu The Bu. "Who the fuck calls it The Bu?"

Mom can't get anybody at Best Buy to explain to her how buying gift cards works with your reward zone card. "You ask somebody over there, they look at you like you're fucking crazy."

Mom still is sick. "I can't take this sickness anymore. I get fucking bombarded every day. The fucking dentist called with more bad news." I ask mom what that news was. "I need a fucking root canal. It never ends. I have a fucking cold. It's miserable."

Mom is pissed at me because I didn't eat any ribs Monday or Tuesday afternoon. "Start eating the fucking meat before I have to throw it away."

SHE HAS TO BE OUT THERE, RIGHT?

I bought the new Nickelback album Dark Horse last Tuesday. I've been listening it to in my car until today when I got the new Killers album. I like Dark Horse, for the most part. 

Here's a breakdown of the types of songs on it.

Songs with a romantic feel: 4

Songs about partying: 2

Songs about having sex: 2

Songs about a whore: 2

Songs that seem to be a true story about a friend on drugs: 1

My favorite song is from the first category and is also the first single. It's called Gotta Be Somebody. It's kind of my optimistic theme on life right now. It gives me hope for the future.

First verse:

This time I wonder what it feels like

To find the one in this life

The one we all dream of

But dreams just aren't enough

So I'll be waiting for the real thing

I'll know it by the feeling

.....

So I'll be holding my breath

Right up till the end

Until that moment when

I find the one that I'll spend forever with

End of chorus:

There's somebody else that feels the same somewhere

There's gotta be somebody for me out there

FANTASY FEVER

The Gene Poolers (7-5) won a big game this week against the No. 1 team. I'm now in second place, which if I can hold it for two more weeks will give me a bye in the first round of the playoffs. I won by less than four points. Two plays were huge for me.

1) Ed Reed's 108-yard Jarrett Lee gave my team eight points. 

2) Kaesviharn's pick of Rodgers in the end zone. My opponent had Rodgers. I was winning by less than a point when Kaesviharn picked off the ball in the end zone. If that's a touchdown pass or he throws another one after that, I lose. Special thanks to the Saints defense. 

PARTING SHOT

Lopes called me with this one from the office.

Someone: We need to trim this story by a smidge.

Lopes: Smidget. That's a fun word.

D: What's  a smidget? (Pause.) Oh, something smaller than a midget.

THE DAILY TOP LIST

More of my top bands.

15) The Killers.

Third album a little bit of a letdown.

14) Maroon 5. 

First discovered them when I noticed that just about everyone in the Maroon office had the first album on their iTunes. And I'm not kidding you, when I was reading over this entry before hitting publish, I realized for the first time the Maroon 5 in the Maroon office connection. Good lord, I'm such a maroon. I mean moron.

13) Breaking Benjamin.

They opened for 3 Doors Down once. I only knew their single. I was blown away by them live and have been on the bandwagon since.

12) Simple Plan.

I think they, more than any other band, have songs that remind me of things in my life.

11) Weezer. 

Anytime you can't decide what album out of like four good ones is your favorite, you know you really like the band. 

ONE MORE, AND THAT'S CALLED A WINNING STREAK

For the second Monday night game of the year, we decided to up the ante for the Saints party. We jumped it from 35 pieces of chicken to 45 (Though Marcus called it 35 pieces and 10 wings, since wings don't count as real pieces). And we had fewer people working than the first time. Me, I ate eight pieces, including the two I took home for a 3 a.m. snack.

Besides the chicken, we had an apple pie, a batch of world famous Marion brownies, drinks coming out the ying-yang (I must have drank me about a whole 2-liter of Dr. Pepper.) and a full tray of macaroni courtesy of D's sister (I think). That was some good. I think it was enough to feed an entire wedding reception.

The only thing we were missing was chips. Nobody took that assignment. We sure could have used them, though. Jelly and I were craving something to munch on the whole party, I mean work shift. It's just not a football celebration without chips, dammit. We tried to convince Gamby to run out and get some, but that only led to Jelly declaring herself "the queen of everything." Not sure how that's related to chips, but you never know what might be said around these parts.

Notes on the game.

1) I've been calling the Green Bay game the most important of the season for like six weeks or so. Hopefully, that proves to be true and becomes known as the game when the Saints found their identity and took off on a run at a playoff spot. I still think 10-6 won't be good enough to get in the playoffs, and winning at Chicago seems improbable for this team.

The optimist that I am, though, here's what I'm dreaming about. The Falcons play at San Diego, and the Panthers are at Green Bay. Let's say the Chargers and Packers finally play like who we thought they were this week. And the Saints continue their momentum and upend the Bucs like they've already done this season. Suddenly, the division records are 8-4, 8-4, 7-5, 7-5 with four games to play. Hmm.

Imagine getting back just one of those blown losses from earlier in the season. I'm not greedy. Just one.

2) Saints record when I do the drive chart: 2-0.
Saints record when Lopes does the drive chart: 4-5
Saints record when they punt on first possession: 4-2
Saints record when they score on first possession: 2-1
Saints record when they have a turnover on first possession: 0-2

3) If I wouldn't have been at work, I think I might have cried for Deuce's touchdown. Emotional moment, indeed. Probably for the last time: DEUUUCCEEEEEEEEEEE!

4) On the Packers' first possession, Randall Gay broke up a pass on third down.
Someone: Who was that?
Me: That was Gay.

So, from now on, every time he does something, anything (good or bad), I'm saying: "That was gay."

5) I might be in the minority here, but I liked that play call of the wide receiver pass. So what if the Saints had scored on six consecutive possessions. It's not like Lance (uh, he's a keeper) had to throw the ball after seeing the safety waiting there. OK, I'm kidding. It was a horrible play to call while up 17 points and driving. I just liked it because it prevented Brees from throwing for more yards. He's really starting to get me worried about this yardage record.

But like I keep telling everyone, it just takes one bad game to fall off the pace. It's a weird cheering situation. I want the Saints to win out. To do that, they have to throw a lot. But I don't want Brees to get the record. My heart is more confused than the time I had to decide between red and blue as my favorite color.

6) JRap pulled a JRap No. 2 on Monday night. Kevin asked him if he could name every time the Saints had scored 50 points in a season right after Pierre Thomas (uh, he's a keeper as well) scored his second touchdown. JRap thought for a minute and came up with once in 69 and once in 76. Kevin looked it up. JRap was correct once again. And that my friends, blew my mind.

Not to be outdone, I pulled a JRap No. 3 on JRap. He asked me who the Saints punter was to start the season. I said: "Oh, you don't remember? It was Steve Weatherford."

7) Where did I read that Jason David wasn't as bad this year and had actually improved, having rarely gotten beat this season? Oh yeah. On that Gene Pool Web site. Yeah, he got beat for a touchdown in the second quarter and another time where Rodgers made a bad throw. But Greg Jennings ain't too shabby and is much taller than David. Not the greatest matchup.

Jason David's first interception was the key play (if you had to pick only one) in the victory. He set up Deuce's record-setting score that gave the Saints a comfortable 17-point cushion. He almost had a Jarrett Lee. And to warm your heart even more, he was running down the sideline toward the end zone corner where his family sits in the seventh row.

Credit goes to Jelly for calling earlier in the night that Jason David would have a Jarrett Lee. Granted, she wasn't exactly correct because he got nailed 3 yards short. But come on. Jason David? I think she might have been joking.

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

I walk near my mom, who is now sick courtesy of me, as we get ready to watch 24: Redemption (which was off the hook, by the way). "Stay the fuck away from me."

Mom is confused by Jon Voight's character on the new 24 storyline. "So, he's just providing fucking weapons to the bad guys to steal children?" I tell mom that Tony Almeida will be his boss in season 7 in January. "What the fuck is wrong with him?"

We browse through the American Music Awards (Kimmel was pretty funny.) "What the fuck is the American Music Awards?" (Yeah, don't we have enough award shows?) They show the Jonas Brothers. "It's like they are the fucking Beatles. They're fucking everywhere."

I ask mom how her diet is coming along. "Twenty fucking pounds in two months."

I ask mom how her tooth is feeling. "I might have to see the dentist today. He'll call me in at 5. I'll probably have to fight fucking traffic."

I go to bed. As I'm trying to fall asleep, mom finishes watching the award show. Kanye West wins best rapper. "Oh, fuck me. ... I hate that motherfucker."

I try to record something on the DVR and discover yet another problem in this almighty system. In recording options, it doesn't allow you to start recording something "x" number of minutes into the show. You can record "x" number of minutes early and extend the recording by "x" number of minutes, though. Why can't I start recording something in the middle of the show if I want to or need to? I tell mom this. "Well, that's a fucking flaw."

DID YOU KNOW?

Did you know that the T-P sports department knows information about the Saints game? You sort of figured that, didn't you? Well, I got to tell you that not everyone is aware of that.

1) Jelly gets a call at 5 something Monday afternoon. She hangs up.
"Well, that lady just asked, 'Do you have any information on the Saints game tonight?' I felt like saying, 'Why yes I do.' She wanted to know what station the Saints were on."

2) The phone rings at 2:16 a.m. Tuesday morning as I'm writing this up. Out of curiosity, I answer.
Caller: How you doing? Can you tell me who won the Saints game?
Me: Yes.
(Ten-second pause.)
Me: The Saints won 51-29.
Me: OK. Thank you.

PARTING SHOT

"This looks like quite the party."
- the big boss upon arriving back from the game and taking a look at the spread

THE DAILY TOP LIST
This 2,000 word story we ran about Mike Tirico the other day got me to thinking about sports announcers and analysts. My top five sports talking heads.

5) Jeff Van Gundy
Tells it like it is. He's not afraid to tell us his outrageous but intriguing opinions.

4) Dan Shulman
I like him in basketball and baseball. Plus, he's a saint for not punching Dick Vitale in the mouth every five seconds.

3) TNT NBA crew
Ernie, Kenny and Charles are awesome. They give you good information and even more entertainment.

2) Woody Paige
Once you accept that he's a goofball, he becomes endearing instead of annoying. And his chalkboard always says something entertaining. Sometimes, I turn on Around the Horn just to see what he wrote on the board.

1) Gus Johnson
The best play-by-play announcer going today. He adds the perfect level of excitement to every thing he broadcasts. Now if they would only let him do the main NCAA tournament game every week and the Final Four.

Even if what he's broadcasting isn't exciting, he somehow can make you get excited about it. Probably could even do it for paint drying or Minkus taking like 30 minutes to eat one piece of pizza.

ANY GIVEN SUNDAY  

I had an action-packed Sunday planned. Three places to go, three sets of people to see, three things to do. Plus, my cold is finally gone, so I was ready for some fun. Though my mom and Liam have told me that I gave them my cold. And all this time I was trying to give it to D.

1) Fox&Hound for the noon batch of football games.

The joint was not crowded at all. My waitress sat down and talked to me for like 15 minutes at one point because she didn't have any customers to wait on. Normally, the waitresses on Sunday don't have to time to go to the bathroom. Two factors contributed to this: a) The Saints play Monday. b) The Steelers played Thursday. Remind me to explain this phenomenon at some point.

As many times as I've been to Fox&Hound this year, I don't think I've had the same waitress twice or the same bartender if I've sat at the bar. This baffles me. Also of note, the F&H doesn't have any waiters. Is that a well-known policy? What happens if a dude applies?

The noon games sucked as far as drama goes. The closest game was the Dolphins and the Patriots, which I was mostly watching anyway. Not in terms of the score because the Pats won by 20. But in terms of the losing team actually having a chance in the fourth quarter. (It was 3 points with like nine minutes left.) Every other game was well in hand with 10 minutes to go. Boo. Me like drama. 

To me, the Patriots were an easy bet Sunday. I don't think the Dolphins are good. I just think they are not as bad as other teams. Though I really like the energy and emotion this team has played with all year. I'm proud of them again. That said, there was no way the Pats were getting swept by the Dolphins on the season. The Pats are pretty good and have gotten much better recently. Plus, the Dolphins were favored. That's like stealing money.

Four of the Dolphins five losses have been to good teams: Cards (7-4), Jets (8-3), Pats (7-4), Ravens (7-4). I'd like to have that damn Houston (4-7) game back. Pretty please.

2) Mid-City Bulldog for Christina's engagement party

I arrived at the party at 3:45 and stayed until 6:15. Amy and Christina's younger sister organized the festivities. They did a Mexican fiesta theme since Christina is getting married in Mexico. They did a really good job. All kinds of foods. Nicely decorated. Kudos.

Might I suggest that if you need a nice, little place to throw a party, the back of the Bulldog is fantastic. All you need to do is pay for the keg, and you get the patio area for the day. 

When I first got to the party, I was talking to Amy and Christina. I was saying how nice the place looked when I noticed the cake a few feet away. I jokingly said to Christina: "That's a nice cake ya'll got there. But it's all good as long as they don't spell your name wrong, right?" 

I had no idea that her name was actually spelled incorrectly. The cake was delicious, and before you knew it, it was all gone. But someone over there at Creative Cakes doesn't know how to spell. Who names their kid Christana? 

I felt really bad when I realized that her name was misspelled. Poor kid. At least it's not on something permanent. You know, like the wedding program or in a picture on the Internet. 

At least she got a new nickname out of it: Stana. 

I believe this dude works at the Bulldog. Right before he came out to the back, two other people were trying to turn on the TV. They took a remote and hit every button. Nothing. Then this guy showed up, like my knight in shining armor. 

He shook the TV several times with no success, as you can see above. Then once more. And voila. Giants vs. Cardinals. 

What's a Mexican themed party without margaritas? Not a real one. That's for sure. Christina, however, refused to take multiple tequila shots. Something about her family being there. 

Me: If you can't get wild and crazy at your engagement party, then when can you?

Christina: At my wedding reception. Duh. (Touche. And CONGRATULATIONS, STANA.)

3) Mr. Carl's house for the Survivor Series

It's the fourth biggest pay-per-view of the year. I haven't seen one since 2004, so I requested off a while back, taking advantage of the fact that the Saints weren't playing. Lopes called me at 5:45 (the shift started at 5) to tell me the night editor didn't know I was off until just then. I've worked so many Sundays over the years that he didn't he even think to check the schedule. 

All the people I wanted to win won their match, even if they weren't scheduled to be in the match in the first place. Plus, it was good to see Bert and Jacob. And Kelly, too.

For the tenth pay-per-view in a row, Mr. Carl refused to take money from Paul and me. We even tried to trick him this time by leaving the money on a table when he wasn't looking. He caught us just as we were about to leave. We shall bring a cake for the Royal Rumble. 

4) Back home

I arrived at my house to catch the end of the Sunday night game. Hell of a play call by the Colts on fourth-and-inches. Would you want to play the suddenly surging Colts in the playoffs?

The last part of the eventful day is watching 24: Redemption after I post this. It's the return of Jack Bauer. Welcome back, old friend. I've missed you. Oh, how I've missed you. Tick tock.  

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

I'm looking through the Best Buy ad for this week. I jokingly tell mom that she should pick up Barry Manilow's greatest hits. "Probably not even his own fucking songs."

Mom looks at the ad. She sees Kanye West's photo next to his CD that drops Tuesday. "Look at dickhead. ... What a dickhead. ... I hate that dickhead. Dickhead."

HOW LOW CAN YOU GO? 

I bought my Jetta on July 7, 2007. Since then I've kept track of every time I buy gas. I put the date, how many days since the last time, mileage, cost per galloon, total cost and how many miles I've driven since the previous fill-up. I know. I'm sick. But I'm not seeking help.

Here's some highlights to show how the price of gas has fluctuated. I usually get Shell.

July 16, 2007: 2.89

October 11, 2007: 2.59

February 25, 2008: 3.05

April 21, 2008: 3.43

May 25, 2008: 3.79

June 15, 2008: 3.99

September 21, 2008: 3.79

October 13, 2008: 3.24

November 3, 2008: 2.34

November 21, 2008: 1.79

PARTING SHOTS

We're talking about strip clubs in Atlanta at Christina's engagement party.

Greg: So, we went to this other strip club. I don't remember the name. We didn't know it was going to be so bad when we went it because we didn't know anything about it. This old lady gets up there and starts stripping, and I swear you could see her pacemaker.

At Mr. Carl's house, they are playing the if-you-were-gay-who-would-you-do game. I didn't participate. 

Paul: I don't like the term who would you go gay for. I prefer to say, 'If I were gay, here's who I would go for.

Retro quotes: November 23, 2004

We're eating lunch in the cafeteria.

1) A hot girl walks by.

Me: Greg, would you hit that?

Greg: Probably.

2) Christina tries to convince Kevin to hang out with her by telling him they'll watch porn.

Kevin: What kind of porn?

Christina: Whatever kind will get you to come ... over to my house tonight.

THE DAILY TOP LIST

My top five Ben Stiller movies.

5) Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story. 2004.

To me, the most overrated of the Frat Pack movies, but I still love it. It loses points for using a parody of "you had me at hello" and using "i just threw up in my mouth a little bit." Double Ugh.

4) Night at the Museum. 2006.

Fun for the whole family, and it has Dick Van Dyke.

3) Zoolander. 2001.

During the Katrina semester, we used to play trivia at the Mellow Mushroom on Wednesday nights. One Wednesday the trivia was all Zoolander. I spent the week watching the movie over and over and over again. The film really grew on me that week. And yup, LSU was tough.

2) Starsky and Hutch. 2004.

To me, the most underrated of all the Frat Pack movies. Do it. Watch it again and see for yourself. Do it. Do it.

1) Meet the Parents. 2000.

Remind me not to name any of my children Gaylord. Or Bronx, for that matter. 

I'M NOT PULLING YOUR FINGER

JRap was catching up on the Pool on Friday after the shift was over. I was working on Friday's entry when I look over in his direction. He had just read an item on Thursday's blog and was shaking his head. I was curious, so I asked what had caused him to have the shakes.
JRap: It's your friend, Paul. He needs a reality check.
Me: Yeah. He can be pretty clueless.
JRap: From now on, we shall call these types of idiot moments pulling a Paul.

I agreed. Any time someone has a clueless moment (and I have my fair share of these), that person is pulling a Paul. I thought about adding it to the urban dictionary to see if maybe it would catch on nationwide. Like taint or raw dog. Then, I decided I should give a "pulling a" definition to everyone in the office. Introducing the ...

T-P DICTIONARY

-- pulling a Gene, v.
1) to interrupt a conversation not involving you and interject your unwanted opinion
2) to make a proof and forget for like 20 minutes to go pick it up
3) to overextend a conversation and not know when it's time to shut up
4) to get under Marcus' skin and increase his blood pressure by screwing up or "being disgusting"
5) to quote a movie, TV show or real person
6) to think a game is about to end when it's really in the third quarter

-- pulling a D, v.
1) to announce news as if it were breaking when everyone else discussed it hours ago
2) to tell a story about days gone by, way by
3) to supply a utensil or a packet of some sort of sauce to someone in need
4) to refuse to believe a story by saying, "No, he didn't"

-- pulling a Bake, v.
1) to insert the corniest joke possible into a conversation, especially if not in said conversation
ex: I'm trying to finish a daily top list.
Me (out loud to no one): I need a No. 5.
Bake (as if I asked him): With fries?
2) to keep hope alive for a comeback no matter how large the deficit in a game
3) to refuse to pay for something by deeming it too pricey
4) same as pulling a Gene No. 6

-- pulling a JRap, v.
1) to give way more information than requested on a pop culture or sports subject
2) to blow some one's mind with historical Saints knowledge
3) to be surprised someone doesn't know something that you do and say, "Oh, you don't remember?"
4) to organize dinner/make a food run/go to the snack machine (all for multiple people)

-- pulling a Jelly, v.
1) to pick far more than half the NFL games right against the spread in a given week
2) to pretend to listen (without being caught) and make vague comments during some one's story
3) to get pregnant in order to avoid working an ArenaBowl or other undesirable event
-- pulling a Yelly, var.
1) to get frustrated with something or somebody and yell, "I don't care" or "Just shut up"

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom walks into the kitchen at 3 a.m. "I go to sleep, and it's a clean house. I wake up to a fucking mess."

Mom sees that T-Pain is the musical guess on SNL tonight. "Who the fuck is T-Pain?"

Mom has a real tooth problem. Her dentist told her she needed to take antibiotics last night, but she couldn't get to the store because she had just taken a pain pill. "My fucking tooth has nerve damage. I wasn't about to get behind the fucking wheel. I passed out in the fucking bed."

Thus, mom had to wait for the store to open at 9 a.m Saturday. At 5:30 a.m., she was in agony. "I need to take a fucking pain pill. I don't know if I can wait fucking three and a half hours." (She did and is feeling a little better.)

Mom and I are watching Life on Mars. She looks at Harvey Keitel's shoes. "Look at those fucking white shoes."

Mom is looking forward to Monday's Two and 3/4 Men. "Jake's getting a girlfriend. Bout fucking time."

Mom read the story about the prosecutor getting arrested. "I read the fucking story, and I still don't understand it."

I'm watching the LSU-Ole Miss game. CBS tells me for the 374th time that Herman Johnson is the biggest baby born in Louisiana history. Mom is astounded by his size. "Mo-ther-fuck. Fifteen fucking pounds. That's two babies. Mo-ther-fuck." (I read this curse to Jelly. She says: Maybe he ate his twin.)

The announcer says something something Alabama. Mom references Forrest Gump. "Ala-fucking-Bama."

TV WEEK IN REVIEW

Best line: The Office. Michael wants to fire Toby, but the big boss says they can't do that without proper cause. Michael: "I do have cause. It is be-cause I hate him." Runner-up. 30 Rock. Jack tells Lemon that she will go on the date (with Steve Martin's character) and she will go like a Chinese gymnast. "Wear tight clothes. Smile at all times. And lie about your age."

Best scene: Life on Mars. The last five minutes, from when Sam's dad shoots him until he finds that off-the-road spiritual house. That shit was crazy, yo.

Best guest star. Fred Willard. First, on Worst Week on Monday, Willard played Sam's father with an outgoing personality, quite the opposite of Mel's dad. Then on Pushing Daises on Wednesday, Willard was a murdered magician, killed by his understudy. Always a laugh involved with that Freddy Willard.

I called that shit: I predicted three surprises in TV land this week. First, I knew way ahead of the revelation that Jill was a Fulcrum agent on Chuck. Like when the other agent didn't shoot her at the opera. Then, I knew that the other bitch on Gary Unmarried and her husband weren't really together either. That one was pretty easy. And on House, I knew that the older brother was causing the younger brother's disease. In summary, I'm awesome.

This week's super rant: The Mentalist. This is the No. 1 new show on TV. It has 15.5 million viewers a week. All of them suckers. I would not be caught dead watching this crap. And it's not that I don't like the concept of the show. In fact, I love the concept of the show. It's just that I already watch this show. Yeah, it's called Psych, which is in its third season on USA.

Why would you want to watch a show where someone took what another show does, copies it exactly and then airs it on another network? That's horrible. Oh wait. I forgot. Billion dollar network companies can't think of much original stuff. Let's look at the basics for The Mentalist.

1) The main character is an independent consultant for the Calif. Bureau of Investigation. On Psych, Shawn Spencer works as an independent contractor for the Santa Barbara PD, which happens to be in California.
2) The Mentalist uses his razor sharp skills of observation to solve crimes. Yup, that's exactly what Shawn does.
3) The Mentalist used to pretend to be psychic but has admitted he was faking. We all know Shawn is faking, but his employers don't necessarily know. Point is they both at some point pretended to be psychic.
4) The Mentalist ignores protocol and is often witty. Have you met Shawn?
5) The lead detective doesn't buy the Mentalist's persona. He thinks the Mentalist is a fraud, despite the fact he solves case after case. This is the exact relationship of Lassiter and Shawn.

I think what pisses me off even more is that CBS and those shows that talk about celebrities and such are pretending like this is some newfangled concept. The main actor said in an interview that the cast is really tight and talented and they're all working really hard to be successful. Working hard? By doing what? Watching Psych DVDs?

I'm going all Matthew McConaughey in How To Lose a Guy in 10 Days: I'm calling Bullshit. The Mentalist is a complete fraud. I think Shawn should arrest his ass for identity theft.

PARTING SHOTS
Bake looks at the budget and sees we are doing a big story on Mike Tirico.

Bake: Tirico? What the fuck?
(I tell Lopes about the story on AIM. He responds: WTF?)

Jelly and I are discussing the "pulling a whoever" thing.

Jelly (to Liam): We're trying to decide what pulling a Liam is.
Liam: I like it better when the ladies say that.

THE DAILY TOP LIST
The top five things I can name the annual winner of going back to the 90s or farther.

5) Most popular boys name in America.
OK. So this one is really easy. From 1954 to 1998, the most popular boys name was Michael (except for 1960 when David was king). Every year since, it's been Jacob. At least you just got educated. In case you are wondering, girls names aren't hard to remember either. Observe.
1962-69: Lisa
1970-84: Jennifer
1985-90: Jessica
1991-92: Ashley
1993-95: Jessica
1996-07: Emily

In 1880, when this thing was first kept track of, the most popular names were John and Mary. Go figure.

4) Royal Rumble winners.
I've seen almost every one, including one live in 2001.

3) Playmates of the Year.
For some reason, the one I vote for never wins. I hope to reverse that trend this year.

2) World Series of Poker champions.
I've seen every hand shown on ESPN starting in 2003. I think I can name most of the winning hands, too.

1) Final Four MVPs.
Final Four weekend is my favorite time of the year. Saturday night: national semifinals. Sunday night: WrestleMania. Monday night: national championship. I can go back to 1979 on this one.

CHAPTER VIII. THE PHONE CALL. 

Previously on High School Girlfriend Saga: Regina told me her dad was killed by terrorists but sent a guardian angel to watch over her and her mom. He would even follow me around, too. Our relationship hit a glacier when she wouldn't let me watch the Final Four. On Wednesday, April 24, 2002, she gave me an ultimatum: Marry her in the summer or she was going to Atlanta for college.

And action.

I thought about delving into a serious conversation with Regina about this ultimatum. I decided to enjoy the movie and worry about that later, so I told Regina OK and that we would discuss this later. I hang up the phone.

Paul: What did she want?

Me: Oh, she just gave me an ultimatum. Marry her or she's leaving.

Paul: That seems a little over dramatic. 

Me: And to think you were ready to jump her bones three months ago.

I'm going to go ahead and end the drama for you folks right now. Unless you think I've been hiding a big secret for six and a half years, I'm sure you've figured out that I don't marry Regina. There's no exciting, twist ending. I don't marry her or like come close and leave her at the altar. Though that would have been hysterical. 

I never intended to marry her that summer. Maybe I thought it was a possibility far down the line, but I certainly had no visions of being married before college. Or even during college. That's just crazy talk. The saga, however, does have a humorous ending. Shall we? We shall.

I had known since the Rummel/Chapelle Challenge (that's when I first told her we weren't getting married and we stayed up all night in her driveway talking about it) that my relationship with Regina didn't have much chance to last. 

All the issues (marriage, sex, her crush on another friend) were all too much for me to handle at 18 with the world still in front of me. I didn't end it because I didn't have any other prospects and why not just keep, how do you say, benefiting as long as possible. 

This ultimatum was a whole other matter. This meant it was time to cut the chord. The best case scenario would be for her to break up with me because I didn't feel like dealing with her crying again if I did the dumping. But I was the one given the ultimatum. There was seemingly no way around me breaking her heart and facing the tears. Or was there?

Paul and I went to a Lenny Kravitz concert on Friday, April 26, 2002. This is the same concert that was on my top list of times I got lost. We went to the N.O. Arena when the concert was actually at the Municipal Auditorium. Good times. 

Before Paul got to my house to go to the wrong venue, I called Regina to say hello and tell her I was thinking about her. She, however, wanted an answer right then. Enjoy.

Me: I'm about to go to a concert. Can't we have dinner tomorrow night and discuss this?

Regina: Look, Gene. You either want me or you don't. It's really that simple. 

Me: OK. I get it. I have your answer.

Regina: You do?

Me: Yeah.

Regina (with hope in her voice): Well, what is it, baby?

Me: You're not going to like it.

Regina (sniffling): Oh my god. Not again.

Me (after a pause): Regina, I ...

Regina (cutting me off, not sniffling): Listen. You don't have to do this. I'm just going to make it easy for you.

Me: O-

(Click.)

I heard the silence of no one being on the other end. I stared at the phone in disbelief, even shaking it a little to make sure. And then I started giggling at the classicness of the moment. I said out loud to no one in particular: Well, shit. That was easy. 

I moved on with the rest of my life as if Regina never existed.  

TO BE CONTINUED. ... (No. Not really. I just really like ending every chapter like that. But seriously, though. I have an epilogue.)

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom has a toothache. "Motherfuck me."

Mom calls me as I'm driving into work to inform me that I left my computer on. I tell her to put it on sleep mode and tell her how. She can't figure it out. "This fucking thing. The sleep button keeps disappearing." (She eventually got it.)

Mom and I are talking about someone who just got married. "Why didn't she get married in a church with all that fucking money? I mean she fucking, uh ... uh ... I didn't know you could have 12 bridesmaids at a reception hall."

THE GENE POOL DIP (I MEAN TIP) OF THE WEEK

Don't believe everything you read on wikipedia. I know. I know. I'm the first person to use wikipedia as an information source. If I were a teacher, I would encourage my students to take advantage of the Web site to write a paper. I wouldn't let them cite wikipedia, but it's a good place to find real sources.

When I want to learn about a topic in this day and age, I read the wikipedia page on it. It, as they would say at the T-P, has vastly enhanced my institutional knowledge. But there's plenty of false stuff on there as well. I don't exactly trust any piece of information that doesn't have a reference. No reference means the person who posted it could have just made it up, guessed wrong or is an idiot.

Case in point Friday night. I'm looking up stats of former LSU receiver Skyler Green. It says that in 2005, Green caught 110 passes for 2,268 yards and 22 touchdowns. Uh, I don't think so. He caught nine touchdowns for his whole career, none of which came in his senior year of 2005. Don't worry. I fixed the site with his correct stats of 32 catches for 268 yards and a punt return for a touchdown. Rest easy, kids.

PARTING SHOTS

Marcus tells me I can come in next Wednesday (before Thanksgiving) if I sign out for zero hours.

Me: Can I bring my Wii?

Marcus: Can you bring your what?

Me: My Wii.

Marcus: Oh. I thought you said something else.

Marcus is looking for the NFL caps for this week's games.

Marcus: What's the Monday night game?

Marcus and JRap are one of the teams for prep football stories. They get yet another story.

Marcus (to JRap): I will hop on Lori first.

(the department laughs.)

Liam: Now we know who his partner is.

Marcus: Better than Derry's, though. Mine is legal in all states.

The AP calls for some basketball scores. Trey is mad because it's football playoff time.

Trey: We don't give basketball scores. Tell them that right now. (Pause and then louder.) High school basketball. What the f...

Marcus (interrupting): Easy, Trey. We're real professionals here.

Retro quote: November 21, 2004.

Bob is giving an explanation for something.

Bob: My girlfriend has a thing.

Christian: That's not something I want to know.

THE DAILY TOP LIST

Another Saturday. Another rivalry game for the Tigers. Ole Miss always seems to play them tough. Saturday shall be no exception, especially since they're much improved over the course of this season, and LSU has been, well, not so much improving. Should be a close one. Hopefully, the crowd will give a boost.

I've talked about the Tigers an awful lot on here for you not to know my five favorite LSU players, all of which won a national title. Here they be.

5) Corey Webster. CB. 2001-04.

Had a nose for the ball. Made an interception in the national championship game that set up the first score.

4) Glenn Dorsey. DT. 2004-07.

Played with more passion than any other player in history. Plus, he was nice to our group when we ran into him and his posse on Bourbon Street after the Tulane game last season.

3) Skyler Green. WR. 2002-05.

Have the Dome edition of the first title framed in my room. It's Skyler scoring on the end-around. He also scored the winning touchdown against Georgia earlier in the season that put LSU on the map.

2) Chad Lavalais. DT. 2000-03.

In the 2003 national title year, he had 23 QB hurries, 16 tackles for loss, seven sacks and six pass deflections in 14 games. That's 52 times he was basically in the backfield and made a play.

1) Dwayne Bowe. WR. 2003-06.

So he was a freshman for the first title and was on the field for like one play. But I love the way he ran routes and used his frame. I also had to tell the LSU beat writer in the middle of last season that Bowe had tied the school record for TD catches in a career. He was not very grateful.