TINA AND GENE GO TO PANAMA CITY: DAY 1

These updates will be done in notebook form. Enjoy.

TRAVEL TIME: We left at 6:57 a.m. We arrived at 1:04 p.m. We stopped three times, including for breakfast in Alabama at Waffle House where I had two waffles. 

COUPLE OF GOOD OL' BOYS: After watching two locals get into a fender bender outside the Waffle House and then discussing it, I started quoting My Cousin Vinny. It was funny because we were in Alabama. Contrary to at home, a cop showed up at the scene in under five minutes.

CONSPIRACY THEORY: I believe that Betsy (our GPS) is in cahoots with the government or some agency in charge of collecting tolls. Betsy took us off the Interstate at Gulf Breeze and down the back way, which was nice except we had to pay a $3.50 toll there. Same thing happened in Houston with Paul. Betsy kept trying to make us go on a toll booth where you could only get on with a pass. Hmm. 

THAT WEB SITE IS TAKEN: Passing through the back roads of Florida's beaches, I saw a sign for Tiger Park. The Web site is www.tpsports.net. Seems like we got beat to the punch. 

THE INTERSTATE LIES: As we were  approaching Mobile, I took note of the Interstate signs telling us how far we were away from the town and the corresponding distance Betsy had us veering before Mobile. Look at these numbers. (Note: The distances aren't supposed to be the same.)

Interstate sign: 51. Betsy: 46.

Interstate: 35. Betsy: 33.

Interstate: 26. Betsy: 19.  

Interstate: 12: Betsy: 8. 

So, at first, there was a five-mile difference. Then, a two, then a seven, then a four. I'm thinking the Interstate signs aren't spaced out correctly. Same thing happens when I go to Baton Rouge. 

FREE CHAIRS: We went out to the beach at about 2:30 p.m. and took in some sun on these chairs that you are supposed to pay to use. At about 3;30 p.m., the girl in charge of collecting the money came around and offered us the chair for the rest of the evening for $5 (down from $20 for all day.) 

We said no thanks and got up to leave. She continued to try to make the sale by saying we didn't have to pay her right away, but we could do it later. Uh, no. We left. 

POOLSIDE: Tina convinced an 18-year-old chick (who looked 30) to change her hair color from blond to red like Tina's highlights. In other poolside news, two minutes after I got in our hotel pool, it was suddenly just me. No one else joined me for 30 minutes. Go ahead and laugh it up.

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom was pissed to find me still awake at 3 a.m. Wednesday morning when she planned to leave at 6:30 a.m. "Are you fucking kidding me?!" 

As we start the drive to Panama City: "It'll take an hour and a half to get out of fucking Slidell." (It took 45 minutes.)

I look at some empty land in New Orleans East. "Why doesn't anybody use this land?"

Mom: "No one wants it. Fucking swamp." 

Mom doesn't like the drive to Slidell. "Who would want to drive this shit every day? ... Why the fuck would you want to drive this all the time?" 

Mom doesn't like the way a maniac is driving. "Look at this asshole weaving between two fucking cars." 

A few minutes after we got to the state after Mississippi, we had this exchange. 

Me: Where we at?

Mom: Not quite Mobile. 

Me: Come on. 

Mom (nodding): Oh. Ala-fucking-bama. 

Mom sees this giant building at the foot of Destin. "Takes up a fucking city block." (Those mfers also have a building there with a pseudo Pat O's, Camellia Grill and Commander's.)

Mom's hair dryer decided to stop working in Florida. "What the fuck is wrong with my dryer? How the fuck am I going to dry my hair?" 

ON THIS DATE IN GENE POOL HISTORY

2008: I compared T-P workers to the characters of Scrubs. Who could forget Sandy as Carla, Liam as the Janitor, Marcus as Dr. Cox or Phil as Troy the cafeteria worker?

PARTING SHOT

A 12-year-old boy, his mother and grandmother, about 65, are hanging out on the beach. 

Grandmother (to grandson): Don't be fooled. I'm flexible.