I STILL WANNA BE A TOYS R US KID

WHAT'S MY AGE AGAIN?

Every year as my birthday nears, my mother takes to referring to me as a year older than I am. This never bothered me as much as it did the other day. 

Tina: "You are 30-years-old. You can clean up all these papers."

No. I am still in my 20s. Can't I enjoy my youth for another two months?

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom read in the paper about an employee stealing. She is pissed. "How the fuck they get the job in the first place? It was for a church fund. How do these fucking people get a job in the first place? Stole $150,000. I can't get a job, and these fucking people are stealing."

Mom called the test that she failed at Winn Dixie "bullshit."

I was so busy this past week I forgot to take out the garbage Tuesday. Mom was upset. "You could at least take out the fucking garbage."

Mom got me to watch Fracture. It was good. Before we watched it, this happened. Me: Ryan Gosling is in it. Mom: Yeah. Me: He's cute. Mom: Not just cute. Fucking hot. 

Mom wants the new Sons of Anarchy DVD, but it's too much. "Fucking disc is so fucking expensive. It's only 13 fucking episodes. Who buys that?"

HER NAME WAS LOLA

As I got out of bed the other day, I looked back to notice the sheets were left in an interesting formation. 

It looks like I had some company the night before, but only in my dreams. That is not a young lady. Or is it?

I ALMOST SLEPT AT WORK ONE NIGHT

WHAT DAY IS IT?

If you're wondering why there is more than a week gap between posts, it's because I've actually been busy. I'm in the middle of 11 days in a row at work. 

Heck, I'm typing this half-asleep. So just how busy was I last week? Let's see. 

I was so busy I didn't turn on my TV on Wendesay or Thursday. Not even for a second. 

How busy was I? I was so busy that my recycling bin sat empty at the curb from Wednesday morning until Saturday afternoon. I didn't have time to bring it back into the house. 

How busy was I? I cut half the grass in the back Wednesday. Then stopped because I was out of time. I cut the other half Sunday. 

How busy was I? I only watched the second episode of Breaking Bad once. Yeah, once. 

My last off day was the previous Sunday, which was an epic day that included a fantasy draft, Summerslam and Breaking Bad. 

At the fantasy draft, I caused a stir by being one minute late. Yeah, one minute. I would have been nine minutes early, but I stopped at the ATM so I could pay the league dues. 

Four people, however, showed up with no money. Count the three skypers, and half the league hasn't pay to enter yet. 

Plus, Joe kept outbidding me for my desired players. It's not bad enough he stole my championship last year?

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom has been trying to find a job for a year now with no success. The latest failure came at Winn-Dixie. "It took me 2 1/2 fucking hours to fill it out. What a waste of time. It's fucking ridiculous. They make it sound like they gonna pay you $600,000 with that application. What are they going to give you? Eight dollars an hour? And they're like here fill out this motherfucker."

Mom tried to apply at a new restaurant going up at the end of Suave. The sign says apply today. "There wasn't anybody there. The radio was playing. I could have stole the whole fucking place. Workers must have went to lunch and left the place open. I could have ripped the fucking place off. Creepy."

Mom read about the incident with LeBron and Miami's finest. "He fucking got the police in trouble because be couldn't keep his fucking mouth shut."

I say Breaking Bad is moving quicker than I expected. "They can't put any bullshit in. They only have eight fucking episodes."

THE SOLUTION IS SIMPLE

The escalator was broken at work Monday for the 217th time in the past five years. But I think I know what's wrong this particular time. 

And I thought I had a couple of screws loose. 

HEROES IN A HALF SHELL

A couple weeks ago, I saw a turtle crossing the road and took a picture of it for the blog. 

It happened again Monday. I saw a turtle crossing River Road. 

Are the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles forming in real life before my very eyes? And are they looking for sewer drains as they cross the road?

If I see two more soon and a giant rat, the criminal underworld of the city is in serious trouble. I will let y'all know. 

I'M NOW READY TO PARTY

THE JEFFERSON SCREW JOB

My basketball rec team earned the No. 4 seed for the playoffs, but due to a major fuckup with keeping track of the results, the No. 5 seed ended up being the best or second best team. 

The lady that runs the league marked a victory each for two teams that played each other on the last week. You get that? Both teams won. Also, two teams playing each other were both credited with losses. 

And so there was a cluster fuck. Then she made it worse. She explained that there was some crazy four-way tie and because of the tiebreakers she used, we ended up with this matchup. But one of her results used to break the tie had us defeating this team that we lost to. Ugh. 

Instead of playing an inferior team in the first round, we got the team with five 6 foot 5 or taller black guys. I'm not saying we would have won the league, but we would have at least won the first round, giving us at least another week of basketball. 

Now, I have to wait until February to play again. Actually, we were winning the whole game. They took their first lead with 4 minutes left. And without two really stupid turnovers late, we would have had a shot. We lost by four. 

In other frustrating news, Verizon turned my cell phone account over to a collection agency. I don't even want to write about it. 

And this happened when Rachel tried to share her cake with me at work Friday. 

Part of the cake didn't touch the floor, so I cut that off the top and ate some of it. 

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom looks over an application for a job. "You got to fucking have a college education to work in a retail fucking store."

I'm watching an old Breaking Bad episode. "Is this the one with the fucking fly."

Speaking of the show, Kelly ordered me this shirt. 

ONLY IN DREAMS

1. I was so excited to eat shrimp Friday that Thursday night, I dreamed that it was late Friday night and I realized that I had completely forgotten to eat that day. (In reality, I ate a shrimp Poboy on Friday afternoon.)

2. I dreamed I was in college and in danger of failing the semester because I stopped going to one class after the first week and never bothered to do any of the assignments. 

The course? Garfield. 

That's right. I was flunking a class on studying the Garfield television show. Apparently, I didn't bring lots of spaghetti. 

The professor told me that if I watched every episode in the next two weeks and aced a test on it, then I wouldn't fail.  Unfortunately, I awoke as I started watching the first episode. 

OH, I HAD THE CHICKEN.

I WAS OFTEN ACCUSED OF BEING A TEACHER'S PET

On Monday night, I had dinner with Joe and Jenna at Dixie Chicken & Ribs off Harrison. It was a lovely meal, though the service left a little to be desired. 

It took forever for our food to come and then forever to get the check. A refill I asked for never came. 

But did we complain? Nah. We just enjoyed each other's extended company. The waitress should be glad we weren't in a hurry. 

After dinner, we went back to their house, and they showed me their honeymoon pictures, filled with Jenna wearing fun hats and some beautiful European scenery. And beer, of course. 

I was joined on the couch by Lucky. 

And then Lucky got cozier. 

Kelly would call that playing Dick Dog. But it got me to thinking about how I grew up hating pets. Now, I have a fondness for three of my friends' pets. 

There's also Rachel's cat Elphaba, who likes to bite me as well. 

And Kelly's dog Turley, who doesn't quite understand the meaning of fetch. 

Almost picked up a pet of my own on the way home from work Sunday. 

This turtle was crossing Jefferson Highway. I circled back around to get this  shot before he could get to the other side. When I stopped in the middle of the road to snap the photo, the turtle also stopped. Mighty nice of him. 

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom had trouble making a purchase on Amazon last week. "What's up with my fucking Amazon? Now I can't ever fucking order again." (She figured it out.)

Mom made me breakfast recently. "These fucking biscuits are a pain in my ass."

Mom's thoughts on the Breaking Bad premiere. On the beginning: "That's fucking Walt's pool." On the middle: "Jesse is in a bad way. He needs to come the fuck out of it." On the end: "That was fucking intense."

YOU'RE GOING THE WRONG WAY

After the slideshow Monday, I stopped at Lager's for a beer or three. I was a bit tipsy when I left but found Cleary easy enough. 

A few blocks down Cleary, I realized that my house is in the other direction. Nothing a U-turn couldn't solve.

NIGHTMARE ON PARK RIDGE DRIVE

SPLAT!

I had lunch with Rachel at Theo's before work Wednesday. They got this great deal for a small pizza and drink for 8 bucks. 

Since I've been eating smaller portions, I'm able to turn the six-slice pie into two meals. That's $8.70 for a day's worth of meals. In the immortal words of Kermit Ruffins: That'll work. 

Except when I do this at dinner. 

As I tried to maneuver three slices onto two little plates -- resources are low at work -- one plate slipped, and there went a pizza slice. Which sucked because two slices is just not enough for dinner. 

Here's a happier picture:

As Joe said, that's one fine looking couple. But didn't I go to that wedding four months ago? Pretty sure I did. Maybe they wanted to REALLY make sure they were serious about this thing before doing something official like make a paper announcement. 

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom doesn't like that I have documents and such all over the place. "You ought to buy yourself a real fucking file cabinet. If you get flooded, you won't be able to gather your shit."

Mom got a new air filter. "Fucking 80 fucking dollars for an air filter."

Mom notices a house down the street is for sale. She makes me pull over for a flyer. She looks at the price. "Jesus Christ. What the fuck? They did redo the inside. But 190,000? You gotta be fucking kidding me? Oh, there's a spa."

Mom had to get her air bags replaced. "Remember all that shit that happened with Toyota? Now every time there's an accident, they recall all the cars because they don't that fucking lawsuit."

DREAMS ARE FOR REALS, Y'ALL

Tuesday night I dreamed I was in high school and had gotten into several fights. I won them, but it was all in self-defense. 

The other students wanted me gone, and there was a full trial. My defense was excellent as I had clear evidence of the self-defense. 

But no. Guilty was the verdict. I was expelled. I was devastated. Then I awoke. 

I didn't think anything of it until Thursday when I was called into a meeting room with two big bosses. 

Thinking it was to discuss my schedule during football season, I entered the meeting by saying: So am I scoring a touchdown?

"Yeah," one said. "We need to talk." What happened was several of my co-workers had complained about my attitude. This was a warning of sorts. Just like those students putting me on trial for fighting. 

Hopefully, I'm not expelled for real at the trial next week. 

I HAVE FEWER THAN 100 DAYS LEFT IN MY 20s

THINK I'M COMING DOWN WITH A TOUCH OF PNEUMONIA

Bert joined the 29 club Sunday. I had this exchange with Paul on Saturday. 

Paul: Is Bert's birthday today or tomorrow?

Me: Um, he was born on 8-4-84. 

Paul: Oh. I'll never forget that now. 

No shit. That's what I said when I was 10. How can we be 29 before Paul learned this fact. Head in a hole. 

Anyway, Bert was excited about his cake, with all its chocolate and caramel. I like those things. 

But that I didn't like. At all. 

Before I left Bert's party for work, there was a rousing game of Taboo, pitting the guys against the girls. 

The score was tied at 49, and we were playing to 50. So whoever got the most points on the next turn would win. 

It came down to Kelly and me giving the clues. I knew I was screwed, as Kelly was the MVP of the game up to that point. And calling me average at Taboo is being generous. 

I went first and got a pathetic two, which was really one, but we - the guys - cheated it to two. I was stuck on pneumonia, which shouldn't have been that hard. Kelly easily got three for the win despite my trying to distract her. 

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom has a new favorite song. "The song Blown Away by Carrie Underwood. Somebody masterminded that fucking song. It's about the Oklahoma tornado. Father is drunk and passed out on the couch, and he always rapes his daughter. So she goes to safety and just leaves the motherfucker to get killed by the fucking tornado."

Mom thinks old people in Harahan are slow-moving when they cross the street. "These old people don't know where the fuck their going."

Mom is still stuck on the Jody Arias trial. "What the fuck is going on with Jody Arias? If you're going to convict somebody, have the fucking cahones to give death. Now we need a new jury. Fucking Arizona state laws."

Mom doesn't have happy thoughts at night. "I have nothing to dream about. My mind is just empty shit."

FOUR CORNERS

The comings and goings of my life

-- Reports keep saying there are coyotes in my neighborhood, but I ain't never seen one. I have, however, seen some other animals recently. 

On Thursday, I saw a possum emerge from my garden when I arrived home from work. Same thing Friday but with like a mini-pelican or something. I took pictures of both, but they came out terribly. 

-- I found enough change on the ground - two quarters, two dimes and a bunch of nickels - at work Friday night to buy a bag of cookies. So, uh, I got that going for me. 

-- Kelly and I went to Wendy's during my dinner break Sunday night. I had this exchange with the cashier. 

Cashier: Is that all?

Me: Yeah. 

Cashier: 10.30. 

Me: Whoa. I thought it was only 8:30. I'm really late getting back to work. 

The cashier didn't acknowledge that I had spoken, rang me up and asked Kelly what she wanted. Some people just don't have a sense of humor, I guess. 

-- The final string of Breaking Bad episodes starts Sunday. Lots of theories out there on how it will end. I have three predictions for what will happen in the finale. 

1. Jesse and Walter kill each other. 

2. Someone somehow takes over the empire of blue meth, leaving Hank dumbfounded and back on the prowl. 

3. Walter Jr. discovers that there are places beside his living room to eat breakfast. 

FORTUNE: KEEP YOUR GOALS AWAY FROM THE TROLLS.

GRASS, CHICKEN AND SPORTS

I had a pretty busy Tuesday. Here's how it went:

I woke up early -- in my book that's 10:30 -- because my lawnmower -- yes, I'm still on that -- wouldn't work when I tried to cut Friday, Saturday or Monday. 

My dad was coming over, so we could bring the mower to the shop to finally figure out what's wrong. 

Of course, the damn thing started, and I cut the grass. 

After a shower, Tina picked me up and we want for chicken at Louisiana Purchase. She tried to cause an incident by losing her keys. 

I looked all over the parking lot. Nothing. She emptied her purse on the bench at the front of the restaurant while the cashier nicely looked on the floor. Nothing. 

After 10 minutes, mom found them caught in one of the pockets of the purse. Better than leaving them in the key hole of your front door like me, I guess. 

Next up was a 3 p.m. meeting at work to plan the Saints special section. I then stayed for another two hours to bullshit and get some other work done. 

Our basketball game was at 6:45, and we won our third in a row -- 54-42. That's called a winning streak. 

The other team was the biggest bunch of whiners we've ever played against. They complained for a foul every time we stole the ball. When the ball clearly went out on them, they argued it hadn't. They complained for a foul on us damn near every time they dribbled. 

In truth, they got a vast majority of the calls. Once I was hit in the neck by one player and the stomach by another without a call. They shot 10 free throws, we shot one. 

There was also a lot of trash talking. But they seemed to take it all personally. In the fourth, their center decided to shove me fairly hard after the whistle, drawing a technical. 

Another player tells me: That's for running your mouth. Don't do it again. 

The ref didn't care about the threat, and after the game, I made sure they weren't waiting for me in the parking lot or that they followed me home. 

One of their players also told Dave that he couldn't believe they were losing to such a crappy team like us. Dave: We're 5-0 against you. We beat you every time. 

The finale of the evening was dinner at Hooter's with Dave, Paul, Bert, Jacob and Joe to discuss the details of Rectum? Damn near killed 'em 6. 

We made some new rules and whatever else you do at Hooter's. That is until we got into a real argument over a proposed nuance of fantasy football. 

It got pretty heated, and Joe leaned over to me as Paul and Dave were yelling at each other and said: This is fantasy football we're talking about, right?

Before bed, I finished season 2 of Breaking Bad. All in a day's work. 

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom and I see a guy selling watermelon on the side of the road. "Probably cheaper than the store. That's fucking expensive."

Mom doesn't think Tony Soprano died at the end. "But I don't think David Chase gives a fuck about what anybody really thinks."

Mom and I were watching Orphan Black. The action was hot and heavy. "This is getting fucked up."

Mom barely has any room on her DVR. "It erased my fucking Parenthood. This DVR ain't worth shit."

CAN YOU GIVE ME A CLUE?

On Monday night, a group of us played a couple of rounds of Clue. 

I glance over to see Bert reading the rules. Me: What are you doing? We've been playing this game our whole lives. 

Bert: Yeah, but you never know if you've actually been playing correctly. 

Me: I think I know how to play Clue. 

But sure enough, he found a rule, in the one page of rules, that I never knew about. When you guess the killer and weapon while in a room, the person you accuse must transport to that room with you. Total mind blow. 

The other thing of note from the night was when Paul and Bert explained the difference between a shit, a crap, a dump and a poop. Very enlightening.