SPORTS ISN'T EVERYTHING. IT'S THE ONLY THING.
A possibly funny look at the recent wide world of sports.

1) At the casino last night (hey, the jackpot is $220,000), there was a Michael Vick discussion.
Player 1: I really wish the Saints would get Mike Vick.
Player 2: Yeah me, too. He would fit well.

What? Are you f'n kidding me? As Lopes said, "And Stallpepper? What about Brandon Marshall? And Plaxiglass? Ou ou and Ochocinco? Why I keep namin' WRs?" Also, we don't need a quarterback. What is wrong with these people? Have they not seen or heard of Drew Brees?

2) The ESPN ticker said that "Jeremy Mayfield can't find a ride" to Saturday's NASCAR race. What? The bus stopped passing in front of his neighborhood?

3) NBA free agency.
a) The Rockets got Ariza, and the Lakers got Artest. So, in this trade, shouldn't we, as in Houston, get something in addition to make it even? I'll take Shannon Brown or Luke Walton.

b) The Big Three for the Celtics and their management all went to meet with Rasheed Wallace to woo him to Boston. Wait. Who the fuck do these people think they are? Just going around recruiting free agents with private meetings. That's bullshit. They offer him a hooker, too?

4) Last season, the Cubs were the best team in the NL and coasted to the playoffs. Many thought it was their year (including me), blah, blah, blah. This year, a lot of folks have given up on the Cubbies. And rightfully so.

But wouldn't it be something if the year the curse was finally broken was a year when they started slow, people gave up and then they rise from the ashes to make a late run and win it all?

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

While I was at work Thursday, my mom called. She was pissed because the street our hotel is on for vacation wouldn't come up on the GPS when she typed it in. "The fucking road has been there for years. How come it isn't in there?" (She threatened not to go because of this.)

Of course, when I typed in the street early Friday, it came right up. I then realized mom didn't put a space between the two words of the street when she typed it in. "Fucking spaces. I don't even know how to do that." (I showed her.)

Mom yelled at herself when she woke up early Friday. "You left everything out. Jesus Christ, Tina! You need to start doing shit before you go to bed."

Mom puts in our lunch order and then hangs up. "Fucking out of crabs and crawfish. Just blows my fucking day apart." (She had boiled shrimp.)

RANDOM THOUGHT OF EVERY SO OFTEN

Why don't bank robbers make the teller count out the money one bill at a time to avoid getting that ink stuff in their little take-home bag? Sure, this will take longer and maybe they won't get away with as much money, but it will help them, in fact, get away.

ON THIS DATE IN GENE POOL HISTORY
Another new feature for Year 2 of the site.

2008: I had an oil change appointment at Volkswagen that went horribly wrong. The oil all leaked out because they didn't put the cap back on properly. They then sent a tow truck to pick up the car from my house and redo it.

At one point, Tina thought the workers were stealing my car. Fun stuff. Tina summed up the day in which my 8 a.m. appointment ended at 6:30 p.m.: "I can do an oil change. A fucking ape can do a fucking oil change."

PARTING SHOTS
As I exit the bathroom at the casino Thursday night, I pass a guy on a pay phone. Who uses those anymore?

Guy on phone: Yeah. He's chasing her around like a little puppy dog. (Pause.) I don't know. Some young fucking punk.

Friday at work, I complain about a segment on Baseball Tonight concerning NL wild card sleepers. All the people on the show did was talk about the Giants.

JRap: But they're leading the wild-card race.
Me: That's what I kept yelling at the TV.
JRap: But that's your problem. The TV doesn't have ears.
Derry: Yes it does. Rabbit ears.

Then, later on.

Me: There's like 11 teams that can win the wild card.
JRap: But remember, the Giants are asleep.
Me: And you never want to wake a sleeping giant.

We're talking about the length of the news in briefs.

Derry: Gene's never seen a girls' briefs.
Lopes: That's because Megan never wore underwear.
Derry: Let's take a donation for Gene to go to Airline.
Me: Fourth of July fireworks, indeed.

THE DAILY TOP LIST
The top five rules I would change in sports.

5) Baseball improvements.
a) For it to be a hit batsman, I demand blood. Or at least some pain. None of this touched the uniform nonsense.
b) If a pitcher makes the error, it should count against his ERA and not be an unearned run.
c) If a guy loses the ball in the sun, it shouldn't be an error or a double (for the hitter or against the pitcher), it should be something else that someone smarter than me makes up.
d) No designated hitter. But did that really need to be said?

4) NFL pass interference.
The NFL needs degrees of pass interference. One that puts the ball at the spot of the foul for blatant tackling of the receiver and the such, and another 10 or 15-yard penalty for small stuff like tripping and arm grabbing. Teams shouldn't get 40 or 50 yards of field position because the cornerback got his legs tangled with the receiver's legs.

3) NBA man-in-the-air call.
When an offensive player gets his man in the air, he shouldn't be allowed to make contact with the defender to draw a foul. You get your man up in the air, you go around him. The new rule should be if the offender then creates the contact, it's an offensive foul.

2) NFL overtime.
Get rid of this first-one-to-score-wins bullshit. Both teams should get the ball at least once. There are many options in which to go about this. All are better than the current system.

1) No ties in soccer.
I've hated this since the first game I played when I was eight ended in a tie. I was like, "Wait. That's it? Nobody wins? This is a sport?"

The solution: Scrap the penalty kicks. After the last overtime ends in a tie, you play another 15-minute overtime, but each teams must take two players off the field and play 9-vs.-9. Still tied? 7-vs.7. 6-vs.-6. 5-vs.-5. Eventually, someone will score.