WHAT'S IN MY WALLET? WATER.

EVERY FIFTH BURGER SHOULD BE FREE. 

Before work Saturday, I stopped by Five Guys for lunch during a little storm. 

The first two times I went -- it's only been open four weeks -- I felt terrible for about an hour afterward. The cause I figured might be the cheese, so I decided to get a regular hamburger. 

When Rachel and I found ourselves at the front of a long line, I reached into my back pocket for my wallet. 

It wasn't there. That's happened before, but I remember putting it in my pocket as I exited my car. Had someone pick-pocketed me?

I bolted out of the line in a panic leaving poor Rachel to stand there and wait. 

I checked my car to make sure. Nothing. I retraced my steps from the car to the building. Nothing. Keep in mind it was raining. 

As I was giving up and about to go into all the nearby restaurants to see if someone found it on the ground, I glanced to my right. There it was, nice and cozy in a puddle. 

Great. At least no one took it or ran over it. It was a foot from a back tire. 

Rachel had saved our spot in the front of the line. I handed my debit card to the cashier, and she said: I can't take this. 

Me: Why?

Cashier: It's a Winn-Dixie card. 

Me: Oh. 

The two cards were actually stuck together from the puddle, so I had to separate them with all my might. Just kidding. But yeah, another embarrassment moment. 

And I think it was the cheese. Felt totally fine after eating. 

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mother was reading the entertainment news. "Fucking Carrie from the King of Queens was a fucking Scientologist for 30 years." Me: Really? That long? Mom: "Thirty something fucking years. People pissed at her."

She kept going. "Those people are weird. That's why Katie Holmes got out in the middle of the night. She's fucking Catholic. How does that work?"

Mom and I are talking about things that used to be in my room. Me: What happened to my Jessica Simpson poster? Mom: "Fuck if I know."

Mom is impressed with the prices at h.h. gregg. "They got fucking DVD players for  10 fucking dollars. Mine cost 80." Me: Really? Mom: "Ten fucking dollars."

Mom and I are watching Orphan Black on Netflix. "That show comes on BBC America. Who the fuck watches that station?"

DOUBLE YOUR PLEASURE

Speaking of Five Guys, the last two times I've been in there, multiple female employees have expressed their love of my T-shirt. 

One was for my CM Punk shirt. One employee said she's never seen it in public before (that's a shame) and the other said: "That's my favorite wrestler. How did you get that?"

The second time I was wearing my "II VOTED FOR SUMMER" T-shirt. Both cashiers agreed that Pedro sucked and that they would have also voted for Summer. 

Friendly staff over there. Now let's see how they like my cat T-shirt. 

E.T. PHONE HOME.

HELLO? CAN YOU NOT HEAR ME NOW?

The landline phones we use at work were  put in place around the time that Marty McFly was a teenager with some cool skateboarding tricks.

 

But come Monday, upgrade! We're getting new phones installed Sunday morning. And on Friday, I attended the greatest phone seminar of all-time. 

OK, that's an exaggeration. It was lousy, but there were some memorable moments, like when Al the Amazing explained the system. 

He said there was one continuous wire for the network and something about wires going from the phone to the computer. I was putting my name on the sign-in sheet and caught the end of that. 

Me (interrupting): What's happening?

Al the Amazing: There's a wire that goes from the computer to the phone and a wire that goes from the phone to the computer. 

Me (amazed): You don't say?

Liam: He did say. Twice. 

I still don't understand the deal with the wires. But whatever. The rest of the seminar included voicemail and parking. Apparently we can park calls. Not sure if we can parallel calls, though. 

Al the Amazing kept saying that the phone he was using to show us everything had five buttons but our phones would have four buttons. 

Me (in a text): I feel like he's rubbing in the fact that he has more buttons. 

Rachel: Like he's bragging about the size of his Penis. 

Al the Amazing's penis aside, the new phone is a major disappointment in two ways. 

1. There's a directory in the phone for everyone in the company with one of these phones. Great. But it doesn't have company cell phones in it. Nor can you add outside lines to the directory. Well fuck. 

2. Our old phones don't allow for the other end to use caller ID. Not these. Now, if I'm stalking somebody, they can just call me back. Before if they tried to call back, they'd get nothing. 

Besides stalking chicks, I also used the work phone to call back numbers I didn't recognize on my cell phone. It was a useful tool. Now gone. Thanks, technology. 

Al the Amazing concluded the enlightenment by telling us not to be afraid if we didn't understand something because pushing the buttons won't break the phones. Only smashing the phone or stomping on it could break it. 

I think we were all a little tempted to take Al up on that one. 

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

I returned a phone call to my mother Tuesday afternoon. 

Mom: What's up?

Me: Just got out of Winn-Dixie. 

Mom: You live at the fucking Winn-Dixie. 

Mom worked in her yard Friday. "Fucking sun killed me."

Mom explains the financial crisis to me. "Some people owe more than their house is worth. But they let them keep borrowing. Now those people are in a fucking bind."

Mom doesn't like the new G-mail system.  "It's fucked."

Mom doesn't think you can trick somebody into sex by looking Ike their normal partner. "You would think if you were fucking someone different, you would know."

My lawnmower didn't start again. "Well do something so it'll fucking start."

THAT'S NOT THE TRASH

Twice this week I've thrown the wrong thing in my hand into the garbage. 

The second time was Thursday when I held a dirty plastic spoon and Tupperware and tossed the Tupperware. That was at my desk and an easy swap, though I felt stupid. 

Monday, however, wasn't so easy when I threw away my work ID instead of the trash in my hand. This was right outside the building, where the trash cans are heavy and have bars. 

I had to tip the can on its side and then stick my hand in and grab hold of the lining. After yanking on it, I eventually got to the bottom of the trash bag. 

Then I sifted through the garbage with one hand while holding the can steady with the other until I found my ID covered in some sort of gunk. This took five minutes. 

Luckily, no one wandered by to witness this embarrassment. 

PRETTY LADIES AND OLD LADIES

TV PHOTOS

So I've been pausing my TV and taking photos of the still images lately. Here's some of my best work:

This is a pretty lady. She talks about soccer. She knows soccer. And talks about it to me on the TV. 

This is from the show "The Bridge." See, my car isn't the only one a crow can perch on. Or maybe the crows have found a way to fuck with me through television. Those bastards are good. 

This is Alex. She is the best female soccer player in the world. And she's looking mighty fine at the ESPYS. 

Seems likes the Pelicans have a new player. And he's the smartest guy in the NBA! It's backup point guard Brain Roberts. Yes, I watch summer league basketball. 

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom doesn't like the condition of my garden. "Tear everything down and lay some fucking grass. I made the mistake in my yard of not getting rid of a fucking bush. Still dealing with it."

Mom picks me up from church in a downpour and stops with her car halfway in a lane and halfway on the shoulder. "People going around me. They can't wait one second? And there's two cops standing right there with their thumbs up their ass."

Mom read on the Internet that Netflix doesn't always function properly. "The fucking thing keeps fucking up. And people still pay for that shit."

Mom doesn't have Netflix but is watching Orange is the New Black on some nefarious website. It shut down the other day, though. "I wonder whose fucking idea it was to take that down."

Mom was unsure if she would like Orphan Black. "They speaking in British. I can't understand a fucking word."

The across-the-street neighbor cut down a tree a while back, but perhaps not in time. Termites have gone from that tree to nearby trees and into another neighbor's house. "Paul had to tear down walls. He thinks Tom should have cut the motherfucker sooner."

55 IS THE NEW 29

I had a dentist appointment Wednesday before meeting Rachel and Kelly for lunch at Outback. 

My hygienist, Cheryl, has been cleaning my teeth for a long time, and even though she only works one day a week now, I'm on the short list of clients she won't drop. 

We were discussing how long we've known each other when I asked if my file showed when our first meeting took place. 

Cheryl: Let's see (looking it up). How old are you? 26?

Me: 29.  

Cheryl: Oh my god. You're almost 30. (Finding it.) It was January 1988. 

Me: I was 4. 

Cheryl: Wait a second. My birthday is in March, so I was 29 in January 1988. 

Me: So I am now the age you were when you first started on me. 

Cheryl: Damn. I'm old. 

I'VE NEVER BEEN ON A BOAT, BUT I DID DATE A HOE ONCE

ANATOMY OF AN ARCHRIVAL

The Celtics have the Lakers. The Tar Heels have the Blue Devils. Len Bias had cocaine. 

And Muscled and Owned, my rec basketball team, has Boats and Hoes. 

Rivalries just make sports more fun. I plan my spring around UNC and Duke games. Falcons vs. Saints or Jets vs. Dolphins are special weeks. 

So I can't be more excited to be part of Jefferson Parish's No. 1 rec basketball rivalry. I always circle the date on my schedule as soon as Bert emails the link at the start of each campaign. 

This season's game came Tuesday. When work asked me last week to come in for an overtime shift, I said no way, Jose. Not on Boats and Hoes night. 

Like Muscled and Owned, Boats and Hoes doesn't have any amazing players or a series of super tall athletes. Just a bunch of solid players who play well together, with bounce passes and the such. So most of the games are nail- biters. 

Here's some quick background on the history of this heated contest: 

Summer 2011: We rallied from down seven in the final minutes to win by 2. I hit a go-ahead 3-pointer with 27 seconds left. Kelly yells Meatball from the stands the entire game. 

Boats and Hoes have fun nicknames on their jerseys like Da Future and A Train, but Meatball is the name we associate most with those pesky Boats and Hoes. 

Spring 2012: We won by 17 with a huge surge in the third, nearly killing the rivalry at the beginning. 

Summer 2012: They out hustled us on loose balls and turned a fourth-quarter tie into a nine-point win. 

Summer 2012 playoffs: This is where the rivalry reached Hornets-Spurs levels. They were the No. 2 seed; we were seventh. 

In a back-and-forth classic, we trailed by one late when I missed a layup after a highlight reel give and go between David and me. Still, we led by five with a minute to play. That's when we missed another layup and two key 1-and-1free throws. 

They tied the score in the final seconds and crushed us in overtime. We later found out that Boats and Hoes, now cemented as our arch nemesis, had won the whole damn league. Well, fuck we just had them beat in the playoffs. 

Spring 2013: We trailed by two with 57 seconds to go when one of our better players got an open look for 3. He missed, and they made foul shots to put the game away. I was devastated. 

The Internet blogs dedicated to our league (OK, I made that up) wondered if it was still a rivalry with Boats winning so many in a row. Which brings us to the summer of 2013 on Tuesday. (Yeah, I know it wasn't a very quick background.)

Summer 2013: We trailed the whole first half but took control in the second half. I actually had my best game of the rivalry, including 14 points, plus a key steal to set up a David 3 in the corner in the fourth quarter.  

We led by 13 in the fourth, but the Hoes came storming back thanks to some lazy defense and a bad pass by me. 

In the end, our losing streak ended when we secured a late rebound and made two foul shots for an historic 56-53 victory. 

Who knows what's next for this rivalry. I know I just can't wait to play them again. Maybe there's a playoff game coming in a few weeks. 

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom has a few thoughts on the Zimmerman verdict. "They fucking ridiculed the main witness because she's not very intelligent."

-- "The prosecution said it wasn't about race. Bullshit."

-- I say Zimmerman probably needs a bodyguard. "No shit."

Mom and I both don't understand why movie and TV characters always pour a shot of liquor into a glass, drink it and then pour another small shot. "Yeah, why don't they just drink out the fucking bottle?"

We're at Kelly's house, and mom scolds Kelly for having a cord on the floor. "You're just like Gene with this shit. Somebody's gonna trip on it." (Tina picked it up and put it on a table.)

10 THINGS I THINK I THINK

BERNIE. BABIES. BAUER. 

1. I think Weekend at Bernie's takes too long to develop. On Saturday afternoon, I noticed that the movie had started on Comedy Central at 11:36, and so when I turned it on at 12:06, I expected Silverman to be in the middle of some hijinx with the body. 

But no. Bernie Lomax was alive and well. In fact, he was yapping on the phone. Granted 20 seconds later, he was killed, but this is Weekend at Bernie's for crying out loud. More than 25 percent of the movie should not be spent with Bernie alive. Ten minutes tops. 

2.  I think my lawnmower has it in for me. For the second time this summer, it wouldn't start Saturday. My grass is high, y'all. 

3. I think buzzfeed and bleacherreport are putting us close to the end of civilization. Bleacherreport is a joke with all its slide shows so that you give the site a million hits. Buzzfeed's list make me cringe, like 30 things that make you feel 30. Then you click on it, and half the things are bullshit. It's all for suckers. 

That said, I would work for either site. 

4. I think baby equipment is hard to put together. A couple months ago, Kelly and I had a devil of a time getting Matt Jr. out of his car seat. On Saturday, Bert and I couldn't set up his crib. 

One of the sides just refused to lock. We tried for 20 minutes, finally believing it to be broken. So we set up the broke side against the wall and hoped for the best. 

5. I think Zimmerman should have at least gotten manslaughter. I also think he should post a job on monster.com for a bodyguard. 

6. I think I stole this idea from somewhere. 

7. There was a discussion at work that led me to an unusual google search Friday night. Let's just say a headline that came up said: HOW TO POOP AT WORK. 

I don't think I kept to the proper form of this gimmick on No. 7. 

8. I think I'm a headline genius. In Sunday's paper I got sharknado seamlessly into a sports headline. 

9. I think Kelly and I developed a new euphemism for having sex. 

So our new term is "Oh, they must be on vacation." As in I knocked on the neighbor's door the other day, but no one answered. As I walked back home, I mumbled: "Oh, they must be on vacation."

10. I think Season 5 of "24" is the greatest season of TV ever made. I made the mistake of starting it again Tuesday. It's the only thing I could think about all week. 

I watched 9 1/2 episodes Tuesday, 2 1/2 Wednesday, 4 Thursday and who knows how many after I finish this post. 

THE TINA CURSING CORNER 

My mom was anxious to start reading a book. "I want to know why the fuck it takes a book so long to go from one library to the other." (She got it the next day.)

Mom fears the heat. "I'm fucked if it's always sunny." Then later: "Jesus, fucking shit'll kill you."

A government official is caught as part of a conspiracy on 24. "Government fucking shouldn't be messing around with shit like that."

TOP LIST

On the old blog, I did a top list everyday. Here's the return of that feature. 

My current favorite places to eat. 

5. Waffle House. 

I'm this close to owning one. 

4. Louisiana Purchase. 

All you can eat fried chicken. 

3. Cowbell. 

Best hamburger in town. Best sauce ever. It is too expensive, though. 

2. Oriental Triangle. 

The waitress already knows what I want.  

1. Bobby's. 

I'm there every Friday for some seafood. Even when the restaurant is closed because the entire work staff is on vacation. 

I WONDER HOW MUCH I CAN SELL IT FOR

HAPPY PURCHASEDAY

My car made six years old Sunday, and what a celebration we had for it. The car and I went to work, and then in a crazy twist after the shift, we went back home. 

She looks best in the night. Let's take a look at the stats in the life of my Jetta. 

Miles: 40,425. 

Wrecks: 2. 

Front bumpers: 3. 

Wrecks that were my fault: 1. 

Wrecks I was blamed for by insurance company: 2. 

Tickets: 2 (one for wreck, one for speeding.)

Girls: 4. (No. That don't count Tina.)

Others who have driven it: 2 (Tina and Derry, who in a sick joke moved my car to the back lot to make me think it was stolen.)

Drag races won: None yet. 

Worst spill: Chinese. 

Strangest passenger: Crow. 

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom is upset that a book she ordered from the library hasn't arrived yet. "Where the fuck is my book? I ordered it last Sunday. I could have gotten it faster driving to the other fucking library myself."

Mom is watching Sex and the City, and Samantha has a problem with her boyfriend. "His dick is too small."

Mom is watching Dr. Oz. He recommends witch hazel. "What the fuck is that?"

Mom just cut her grass. "Look at that fucking grass. Took three bags after just nine days. I got some thick ass fucking grass."

KELLY: MY VAGINA IS A MACHINE

The Rittiners had a sixth of July party last Saturday. It's one of my favorite holidays, so I was anxious to arrive eight hours late after my shift. 

Whereas other parties are still jumping when I get there late, this one came to a crashing halt right after I arrived. 

That's because Bert was out of his mind drunk. He insisted that he be left to sleep   outside on the ground next to the swimming pool. 

Bert looked like total death, but I was not allowed to take a picture of him because he could run for judge someday and that picture on this blog could cost him the bench. Right. 

Later with Bert sleeping on an air matress, Kelly told me that Paul broke her toe in the pool earlier at the party. Ouch. 

That's not nail polish in red. 

DID YOU KNOW THEY STOLE THE AUDIO OF MUST GO FASTER FROM JURASSIC PARK?

TODAY WE CELEBRATE OUR INDEPENDENCE DAY

As many of you know, my Independence Day tradition is to watch Independence Day. I started it as a senior in high school, but I didn't realize the custom had epic powers until several years later. 

I've adhered to this ritual each year since  2002 except for one: 2005. And we all know what happened after that: Katrina. 

So now I watch Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum destroy aliens every Fourth of July for my viewing pleasure and to protect this city. It's my honor and privilege. 

Thursday was no exception. Though it wasn't easy. I had trouble waking up and then fell asleep during the first act for an hour. 

In order to finish the movie then, I had to watch the rest at Tina's with barbecue lunch. But when I went to leave my house, I couldn't find my keys. Took 15 minutes to locate them. 

Where were they? The last place I looked, of course. I searched everywhere in the house to no avail. That's because the keys were still in the key hole outside. 

Good thing I live on the safest street in the United States of America. And I still sort of made it to work on time. 

While watching, I caught an error I never noticed before. A news cast says the aliens have just set up shop over the capitals of England, India and Germany. Then they show a graphic of a map showing those capitals as London, Bombay and Germany. 

(Geography lesson: New Delhi is the capital of India, and Berlin is the capital of Germany.)

On a more serious note, these are my five favorite lines of this cinematic masterpiece:

5. OR as the good reverend would say, Why we are on this particular mission, we'll never know. But I do know here today that the Black Knights will emerge victorious once again. 

4. I could've been at a barbecue!

3. No sir. Just a little anxious to get up there and whoop E.T.'s ass. That's all. 

2. Fired secretary of defense while being invited to pray: I'm not Jewish. 

Judd Hirsch: Heh, nobody's perfect. 

1. Goldblum: You really think you can fly that thing?

Big Willie: You really think you can do all that bullshit you just said?

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom came over Monday to work in the yard. She didn't like the condition of the shed's gutter in the backyard. "Mud this thick (spreads fingers about two inches apart). Smells like children's shit."

Nor was she pleased with my garbage cans. "Fucking filled with the shit from two weeks ago." (Oops.)

Mom noted there were bugs swarming the old garbage. (It wasn't really that bad.) "Fucking shit ass bugs."

Back in the house, mom was upset some of the clothes I bought a week earlier were still on the couch. "When you buy new things, you fucking need to learn to put them away."

NERD ALERT!

On Wednesday night after work, I went to David's house to hang. Paul was sharing a Gambino's cake he got for his last day of work at The Palace. 

Paul said it was chocolate cake, but it only had chocolate icing. Disappointing. 

Bert, David, Jacob and Paul were playing a board game called Hero Quest, which next to Dungeons and Dragons has to be the nerdiest game in human history. 

That's the board. They spent their "mission" trying to collect gold while killing mummies. Really all they did was roll dice over and over. 

Paul almost died once, but luckily he had a Water of Healing card to bring his wizard character back to life. 

I didn't pay attention for the rest of the night, except when David kept telling the other three that they shouldn't have opened that door for some reason or another. 

Hopefully, they defeated the bad guy. 

THIS WHOLE COURTROOM IS OUT OF ORDER

LOVE THAT CHICKEN ... WHEN AVAILABLE 

Tina and I decided to grab lunch Monday afternoon. When she asked what I was in the mood for, the answer was simple. 

As part of my new diet, I'm limiting myself to fried chicken once a month. And so since it was the first day of a new month, I couldn't think of anything but chicken. 

Tina also had an inkling for chicken, and we headed to Louisiana Purchase, an all youz can eat buffet, featuring fried chicken, on Veterans. 

But we received some troubling news at the counter: Monday's shipment of chicken still had not  arrived and they weren't sure how much longer. Boo!

We did the next best thing and stopped at Popeye's on Vets and David. I order and get ticket No. 205. 

After about five minutes, I got up from our table to wait for our food at the counter. This was their setup: Five people working feverishly to keep up with the drive thru and ONE person at the register inside to both take and fill orders. 

There was a line at the register, so the one worker hadn't gotten to the guy in front of me yet, much less our order. 

When the worker -- and I feel obligated here to tell you that he wasn't special but really close to it, like he was in a permanent trance -- finally caught a break at the register, he filled the order in front of me. 

This took him a solid four minutes for two boxes of chicken and sides. His trance wouldn't let him go any faster. 

At this point, it was almost 15 minutes since I ordered, and you could clearly see that they weren't waiting on anything. 

Around the 10-minute mark, Tina was pissed and wanted to leave, getting up from the table to insist they had skipped us. No, I said back, it's just going slowly. 

Right after that, our stuck in a trance worker started filling the next order on his screen, which should have been ours, but he was putting items in the box we didn't order. No. 207 he then called out. 

Me: You just skipped mine. 

Stuck in a trance: Oh. What did you order?

Me: Now, my money back. 

So, with a full refund from the manager and two free drinks, we stormed out of there and headed to the Elmwood Popeye's. 

Tina was none too pleased with our search for chicken and was really hungry now. "First, no chicken. Then, we can't get it served. What the fuck?"

Me: Yeah, and you just took the long way to the next place. 

Tina: Great. Another fuck-up. 

Me: Well, the routes aren't much different. 

Tina: So I didn't fuck up too bad. 

The Elmwood Popeye's was the picture of efficiency. The chicken was served on our plates before the register worker finished swiping my card. We scarfed down the chicken like Al Copeland wouldn't believe. 

On the way home, Tina started driving back to her house before realizing she had to drop me off first. "Oh. Another fuck-up."

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

Sopranos edition

I'm reading a book about The Sopranos, and I tell my mom that I don't think Tony dies at the end. "Of course he doesn't die. He got shot earlier and lived. He had a fucking hole this big (spreads hands a foot apart)."

I say maybe he did die because of all the death imagery in the final season. One part has Paulie with a strange theory. Mom: "Yeah, he thinks Christopher is in the fucking cat. Hilarious. He's trying to hit it with a broom. Fucking Tony comes in the room, and Paulie pretends like he's sweeping."

I tell mom that HBO once wanted creator David Chase to change something. "And what did he say? Fuck you."

PICTURE THIS

I spent Monday night with the neighbors and Paul. Dinner was at Theo's, but I was more excited about this. 

About time. It has said Coming Soon for so long that I thought they had changed the name of the restaurant. 

Our next stop was Coldstone. I didn't get anything, but this perturbed me. 

Duh. When something costs money, no shit I can't help myself. The brownies cost 59 cents plus tax, not free. Coldstone also would tell me not to take a Mercedes off the lot without paying. 

Also, there were no brownies there. 

After ice cream, we hung out at the neighbor's house discussing our fucked up families and watching Paul try to beat Super Mario Bros. for the first time in his life. Some nerd, he couldn't do it. 

His shirt, however, was about winning. But it offended me. And it should offend you, too. 

Shocked the world? Are you kidding me? I sure as hell expected to win, and I hope you did, too. 

Besides, you can't shock the world by winning the Super Bowl after starting the season 13-0. Then, they creamed the Cardinals and outlasted a damn good Vikings team in the playoffs. They didn't come out of nowhere. 

Yes, the Colts were favored, but shocking the world is for monumental upsets. This was not that. It was a 15-3 team beating a 16-2 team. 

It's also about time for another one. 

TORTURE CORN

HEALTHY? NOT SO MUCH

As many of you know, I've been on a mini health kick as of late. Nothing major, but some diet altering. 

So I was alarmed last week to learn that two of the healthyish things I've been doing since childhood are in fact not healthy. 

Kelly and I went to make groceries last Monday afternoon. She puts two packs of corn from the freezer in her cart. 

Me: Those are expensive. You know, the canned corn is like 60 cents each. 

Kelly: Yeah, but it's loaded with sodium. 

Me: And the freezer bags aren't?

Kelly: Uh, no. 

Sure enough, I check the cheap-ass can,  and there's more than 1,000 mg of sodium in one can. The frozen corn? ZERO. Oh boy. 

Fuck, I've been eating that canned corn for as long as I can remember. There goes my positive vegetable intake. And now I have nine cans of wasted corn. 

But the negative maize in my diet was just getting started. 

On Saturday night, Rachel and I were discussing breakfast foods. I say that I enjoy Sunny D with eggs, bacon and toast. (Start your day the Gergich way with eggs, bacon and toast.)

Rachel: That's not real orange juice. 

Me: What the heck you mean?

Rachel: Sunny D has 2 percent real juice. The rest is high fructose corn syrup. 

Me: Nah-ah. 

Rachel: Look it up. 

It's hard to read the view from my fridge, but Rachel is correct. Son of a bitch. I've been drinking Sunny D since the third grade when I liked it because it didn't have pulp. 

Recently, I cut back to one coke a day while trying to skip it completely one day a week. Now I learn that I am ingesting corn syrup every goddamn morning. Ugh. 

On the bright side, Sunny D does contain five fruits, including pear. Unfortunately, all of them are actually less than 2 percent. I've dumped the rest of that bottle. 

Tag, real orange juice. You're in. 

Anything else that I think is healthy that's really not? I'm expecting to check my next water bottle and see that it contains oil. 

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom is upset that the Popeye's around the corner closed. (I've eaten more meals from there than almost anywhere in my life.) "First they close my fucking Bud's, then my fucking Taco Bell and now my fucking chicken. What else can they take away from me? Left me with shit. Two fucking snowball stands."

Mom drives around the bend on my street, and a car comes whizzing by. "People around here don't care. They fly by without giving a shit what is about to come around."

Mom rewatched Fatal Attraction. "Men should never cheat." Why, I ask. "You never know what the fuck might happen."

Mom is now using the library for books and DVDs. "The movies are self check out. I had to watch someone else do it, cuz I didn't know what the fuck I was doing."

Mom asks if Paul has started at Winn-Dixie yet. I say July 11, but he doesn't know where or his hours. "Yeah, managers of food stores are fucked."

My off days are Monday and Tuesday. Mom: What are Rachel's off days? Me: Saturday and Sunday. Mom: "How the fuck did that happen?"

THE CHILI CAPER

I went to Wendy's on Saturday night and ordered a chicken salad, baked potato and small chili. 

As with all fast food stops, I checked the bag before driving off. The chili was missing, so I wait for the worker to come back to the window. 

The chili, I observe while waiting, is not on the receipt. Hmm. This is how my order ended:

Me: And a small chili. 

Worker: OK. Is that it?

Me: Yes. 

The worker is slightly startled to see me still at the window and not the next customer. I tell him the small chili is missing, and he casually hands me one. 

I drive off, a petty thief in the night. On the way home, I realize I should have said the large chili was missing. Shit. 

PARTING SHOT

Kelly never read the blog in its heyday. She went back the other day and searched her name to see what was said about her. She wasn't a fan. 

Kelly: Do not come over now because I will beat ur teeth down your throat until you choke on your back molars.