THE DAILY TOP LIST
My five favorite T-shirts from a Web site called snorgtees.com. They have plenty of more cool ones. As a rule, I disqualified any idea stemming from a TV show or movie.

5.

I'm such a nerd.

4.

Uh.

3.

Hilarious, though I'm pretty sure the chicken did.

2.

Now, that's cool.

1.

Combines gambling and something I say all the time.

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom showed me some pictures from our first trip to Panama City when I was 2. "Man, you had some fucking white hair."

This is our conversation right after that.
Me: How bout some breakfast?

Mom: No, can I help do something? Fuck you. Nothing.

Mom walks into my room to clean it. "Where do I begin? Where do I fucking begin? I'm just going around this bullshit. I can't deal with it."

The rest of mom's attention Tuesday was focused on Michael Jackson and TV coverage.

-- "They expecting millions of people. Yeah, but he ain't no fucking Elvis. ... They expecting millions of fucking people on the street, and guess what? Not a soul showed up. When Elvis was buried, they had people lined up on the fucking freeway."

-- On her soaps not coming on: "I don't know what's going on. The fucking TV people don't even know. ... Hey, Paulsen. What about the Young & the Restless, dickhead. You still ain't got no fucking clue."

-- "Every time I get going on a good day, Fuck! I'm trying to clean the fucking house, and the TV starts acting up."

-- To Katie Couric: "You an asshole. She is the worst journalist. You don't know a fucking thing about Michael Jackson. What did you do? Read a book?"

ON THIS DATE IN GENE POOL HISTORY

2008: My Jetta made one year. Let's go through the stats. With 2009 updates for its second birthday in italics.

-- Three drivers (two accused of stealing it). Same.
-- Two oil changes (one successful). Four (two successful).
-- Five washes (two by Volkswagen). Seven washes (four by VW.)
-- Action: One girl. Same.
-- Gas the first time I filled up: 2.59; Gas at 1 year: 3.99. Gas at 2 years: 2.55.
-- Miles: 7,100. 13,992.
-- Damage: a dent from a baseball; a staple in the back passenger tire. Broken horn; Broken windshield wiper; Egg in front passenger tire, which was the new one from the staple.
-- Cop instances: One. For starting the car through the intersection before the light turned. Same.>

PARTING SHOT

I met Liam, Derry and his stepson Blair, 11, at the Zephyrs-Cubs game Tuesday. Blair is wearing a Cleary All-star T-shirt.

Me: I have one like that. Except it says 1996.

Blair (excitedly): You played at Cleary?

Me: Yup. There's a banner with my name on it in the gym.

Blair (excitedly): Really? For what?

Me: 11 & 12 soccer parish champs.

Blair (disappointed): Soccer? (Rolls eyes.) Oh-kay. I played soccer. ... When I was 7.