OUR TEAM NAME: I AINT NO SKANK

FIRST PLACE TEAM WAS I FUCKED TED

When I read a story on nola.com about Breaking Bad trivia coming to a Metairie bar, I made two immediate moves. 

1. I fired off a text sending a link of the story to Kelly. 

2. I shot an email to my boss asking if I could have Wednesday the 25th off. 

Kelly was ahead of me and responded that she had already started forming our team. My boss quickly gave the thumbs up. Much easier to request a Wednesday off than a weekend day. 

So Kelly, easily the biggest fan I know, myself, the second biggest fan I know, Bert, Dave, Paul and Joe headed to Waloo's to test our chemistry. 

There were 80 questions. We got 63, good for second place out of 12 teams. First place got a couple hundred bucks. Us? We got our picture on the company's web site that ran the trivia.  

Everyone contributed, and we had a good time, yo. Now, all that's left is the finale to the greatest drama of all the times. 

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom is not a fan of this week's heat. "My favorite month of October is probably gonna be a heat motherfucker, too. It's so fucking hot out there. I filled a whole fucking garbage bag with weeds."

My mom wants me to clear my counter of all the clutter, but I'm just so lazy. "Just get up and fucking do it."

FINALE PREDICTION

I have just about everybody dying, including Walt Jr. I think Walt lives but takes the ricin himself. Also, the elements that are the BR and BA will factor in. 

SAINTS vs. DOLPHINS

In case you're wondering, I'm cheering for the Saints on Monday. But I'm going for the Falcons on Sunday night. Compromises and such. 

WALT COULD DIE AND THEN APPEAR AS A ZOMBIE ON THE WALKING DEAD

THIS BLOG IS THE DANGER

My whole world is occupied by one thing this week: The Breaking Bad finale is Sunday. 

I've been so obsessed with the show the past few months that I'm not quite sure what I'm going to do with myself come Monday. But that's next week's problem.

 

My DVR right now is an Always Sunny episode and the 15 season 5 episodes of  Breaking Bad. I took a slide day at work Wednesday to play Breaking Bad trivia at some Metairie bar. And I'll be studying for it all day Wednesday. 

There are four choices for the ending:

1. Walt dies.

2. Jesse dies.

3. They both die.

4. Neither die. 

Most people I've asked this of say the answer is No. 1. I think the audience is just optimistic that Jesse will survive. 

Me, I think it's going to be a bloodbath. Prepare to see Walt Jr. die. I say only Walt lives. His only reason for his actions was to support his family. Isn't the ultimate punishment him living with the fact that what he did led to his family's death?

Or Jesse could kill Walt. Who knows? As long as the psycho fucks die, I'm good. 

The real question is where does the show end up on my favorite show list. Here's a timeline:

After three seasons: Just outside the top 10. 

After four seasons: The bottom part of the top 10. 

After the first half of season 5: Eighth. 

After five episodes this year: Sixth. 

After the sixth episode this year: Fourth. 

After Sunday: ???

Just so you know, the top three are Dick Van Dyke, Friends and Saved by the Bell. So pretty untouchable. 

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

I tell my mom that I took off to play Breaking Bad trivia. "I couldn't even get you to watch the show at first, and now you're fucking taking off to play trivia?"

Mom's thoughts on the penultimate episode of the show. 

-- on Todd: "I hate that prick with his preppy fucking clothes. He needs to die."

-- on how it should end: "They should let Jesse live. Get Brock and all the fucking money. That would be a great fucking ending. Jesse gets all the fucking barrels of Mr. White."

SEVEN SAINTLY SIGHTINGS 

1. The Saints' killer instinct percentage is now 2 for 15 after a 2 for 4 performance against Arizona. They actually showed that killer instinct this game. Woot!

2. The biggest problem with the team right now? No, it's not the run game. It's the lack of a No. 2 receiver. There's Colston and ... nobody. Lance Moore is non-existent, possibly done as a good receiver. Kenny "The Head Turner" Stills is targeted twice a game and is just a rookie. Meachem is a deep threat of sorts. Will be a problem against better teams. 

3. I was actually pleased with the run game Sunday. That's right, I wrote that. Sure, it was mostly terrible. But the run just needs to keep the defense honest. And I counted four positive gains on the ground. Give me four sizable runs per game and Brees, and I'm good. All four were zone outside runs, three by Pierre Thomas and one by Darren Sproles. 

4.  Speaking of Sproles, he quietly had a spectacular game. He also caught a ball in between two defenders and then hung on after getting nailed to convert a third down on the drive the Saints took a 24-7 lead on. He added two nice punt returns that gave the Saints great field position.

5. Monday's game against the Dolphins is the first meeting of undefeated teams at the Dome on "Monday Night Football" since the Dome reopening in 2006. 

6. This is my MVP ballot after three games. 1. Peyton Manning. 2. Russell Wilson. 3. Jimmy Graham. 

7. Cam Jordan and Junior Galette are good. Like for reals. And the last time the defense allowed 17 or fewer points three games in a row was way back in 2006. 

LOOKING AT BOOBS IS HEALTHY

FOUR CORNERS

-- I got a most interesting phone call Wednesday night. Like it might change my life type of call. Sorry, I'm not at liberty to comment on the details. Feel free to speculate among yourselves, though. 

-- My lawnmower isn't working again. This could be the time it never starts. My grass is high, yo. Will try for a final time Thursday morning. Fingers crossed. 

-- I've eaten at Five Guys seven times. And that's it for me. I keep feeling sick after. I thought it was their cheese, but it happened without cheese Monday. I guess you could say I need more Cowbell. Get it?

-- I watched late night interviews Wednesday night. Here were my observations. 

Those belong to Christina Aguilera. The right one appears to be showing the end of the nipple area. According to Seinfeld, I'm now dating Christina. Score. 

And no, I didn't hear a word she said to Leno. 

Over on Kimmel, he had some British actress who has the opposite problem. 

Jimmy: Ya'll drive on the wrong side of the road.

Girl: No. We drive on the right side of the road. 

Jimmy: No. We drive on the right side of the road. Literally, it's in the word. The right side. You drive on the left. 

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom is obsessed with Ryan Seacrest's game show on NBC. "People love fucking trivia."

Mom's thoughts on Breaking Bad's sixth episode. 

-- on the Skyler-Walter fight: "I loved when she got the fucking knife."

-- on speculation on the finale: "Some people think the fucking ricin is for Brock to finish what he started. They crazy. The ricin is for Walt himself. Suicide."

-- on Dean Norris' appearance on Talking Bad: "He's fucking hilarious."

SEVEN SAINTLY SIGHTINGS

Here's what I observed in Sunday's victory. 

1. In my madeup killer instinct percentage stat, the Saints are 0 for 11. Zero percent. They have no killer instinct. Champions have killer instinct. 

2. Everyone is obsessed with Mark Ingram's failure on fourth and goal. And rightfully so. But I'm more upset about first and goal, just three plays earlier. 

Brees threw the ball away because all his receivers were covered. But that's not true. If you look closely, Ingram is waving his hands at Brees in the end zone. Ingram was wide open. And Brees looked right past him. 

Just as well, I guess. Ingram probably would have dropped the ball. 

3. Cam Jordan caused Josh Freeman to fumble. But when he swiped at the ball as he was sacking Freeman from behind, he actually hits Freeman's helmet. 

That's a 15 yard penalty. It wasn't called, and the Saints recovered and kicked a field goal for a 13-7 lead on the ensuing drive. 

Same thing happened last week when Junior Galette swiped at Matt Ryan and hit him directly in the helmet. Thanks, refs. 

4. Joe Horn is still my favorite Saints receiver ever. But Marques Colston is definitely the most clutch ever. 

5. The Saints should be 0-2. Steven Jackson dropped a touchdown on third and goal in Week 1, and if the Bucs punt instead of attempting a long field goal in not-so-good conditions, the Saints have too long a field to get in field-goal range in time. Thanks, Greg Schiano. 

6. Where's Drew Brees? I want my QB back. Jelly and I used to call it Good Drew and Bad Drew. This is the most Bad Drew I've seen in some time. Except on Jimmy Graham passes Sunday. 

7. The good news is our defense doesn't blow chunks anymore. They've inproved in every way possible. Thanks, Rob Ryan. 

SHE WAS NO DANCING GRANNY

MUST BE FOOTBALL SEASON

As I have done for just about every NFL Sunday since 2007, I went to Fox & Hound for some Week 1 action. 

And as with every new football season, every waitress in the building was new. The turnover is amazing. 

My waitress seemed like she was in a restaurant for the first time in her life. She was wide-eyed, confused and most annoying, super attentive. 

Every fucking two minutes, she stopped to ask if I needed anything. Always with the same two words that I heard in my sleep the next two days: You OK?

Yes, I'm watching football. Go away. Keep in mind that I was there from 11:15 to 4. Really need to avoid her section this week. 

The only time she skipped more than two minutes without asking You OK? was after she dropped off the bill. It took her 15 minutes to come back and pick up the credit card. Like I said, it was her first time ever in a restaurant. 

This woman danced when the Saints scored. 

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom is complaining about the size of her DVR. It only holds like 20 hours. I tell her that Paul has like four seasons of different shows on his and it's only 25 percent full. "Motherfucker."

Mom, unlike me, is not thrilled with the return of football because it pushes CBS programming back on Sunday nights. "I hate football season. Everything was delayed 50 fucking minutes."

There was a big accident on the highway the other day when mom was on her way over. "Took me 30 minutes to get to your house. People outside wondering what the fuck is going on."

Mom's thoughts on Episode 5 of Breaking Bad. 

-- on Todd's cook at the start: "All I seem was fucking white. They said they could see blue. It was fucking white."

-- on the Nazis: "These people are so fucking stupid. Like white fucking trash."

-- on the shoot out at the end: "Hank has a glock. Those fuckers have machine guns. Why didn't Jesse get the fuck down?"

MY GOAL IS FOR IT TO BECOME 

A UNIVERSAL STAT

So I made up this football stat called killer instinct percentage, which is the percentage of possessions a team scores a TD while playing with the lead. 

Here it is featured on the Web site. 

http://www.nola.com/saints/index.ssf/2013/09/new_orleans_saints_11_personne.html

 

Check out No. 7. 

SEVEN SAINTLY SIGHTINGS

I've looked at the film on Saints-Falcons. Here's what I saw. 

1. Tony Gonzalez's TD in 1st quarter. 

That was LB Curtis Lofton's fault. He had to chose between covering Tony G or attack a scrambling Matt Ryan. Lofton chose Ryan, leaving Tony G wide open. Problem was that another Saints defender ran at Ryan as well. So Lofton didn't have to. He should have stayed in coverage. 

2. Pierre Thomas' lunge for 1st down.

Thomas clearly got the first down in the first quarter. Still not sure why play wasn't challenged. Dumb. I liked the decision to go for it on fourth down, but a stretch play to Ingram? What the fuck? The first person to make contact with Ingram on the play was his own fullback. 

3. The ref patted Matt Ryan on the ass in the first quarter. Say what?

4. Kenny Stills' first catch. 

He should have scored. But he kept turning his head looking for defenders who weren't there. The head turning slowed him down, and he got caught. The Saints settled for a FG and a 13-10 lead. I counted eight head turns. And my nickname for him is now The Head Turner. 

5. Junior Galette's sack in 3rd quarter. 

He totally blindsided Ryan and should have caused a fumble. Instead Galette missed Ryan's arm with his swipe and hit Ryan's helmet. Saints were luckily that wasn't 15 yards and a first down. Could have changed the game. 

6. Roman Harper. 

A. After Roddy White's spectacular catch in third quarter, the Falcons hurried to get off the next play. The Saints were out of whack in the scramble. But Harper alertly ran over to White and covered him. The cornerback was way out of position, and Harper saved a TD. 

B. Why is Harper getting so much praise for his pick at the end? Even his teammates overdid it. He didn't do shit. He actually got beat on the play by Tony G. And Kenny Vaccaro is the one who actually made the play. Harper could have missed the ball or just let it drop, and the Saints still win. The pick did nothing. All hail Vaccaro!

7. Drew Brees to Jimmy Graham. 

I thought Brees was sub-par, especially on these plays.

-- first third down of the game, Brees threw deep incomplete to Stills. But Graham was wide open at the first down marker. 

--third down before fg that made it 10-3, Brees threw incomplete to Lance Moore. But Graham was open in the seem for a TD. 

--third and goal from 20 before fg for 13-10 lead, Brees threw short for Darren Sproles. But Graham was wide open for a TD. Brees was originally targeting Graham on the play, but Graham was bumped at the line, so Brees went away from him. However, Graham broke open after the bump. 

--Brees threw behind Graham in the fourth on what would have been a first down and might have put away the Falcons. 

PARTING SHOT

David Jack was calling me the master curator at work this week. 

Anne: Gene, how often do you master curate?

Me: Couple times a week. ... Depending on Shawn's mood. 

EXCUSE ME, MISS. WOULD YOU LIKE SOME MAC AND CHEESE?

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY

As many of you know, I make plans once a month to eat with fellow Loyola graduates from the class of 2006. Since those cats make up half my readership, I figure I should write about our latest meeting Tuesday. 

It was the 80th such dinner we've had since August of 2006. Since this past August had dismal attendance, we made September the official seventh anniversary party. 

I'm a sentimental sort of fellow, so I looked up the traditional gift of seventh anniversaries. Turns out, it's copper. I stopped by the bank and bought six rolls of pennies. At 50 cents a pop, that cost a heartwarming 3 dollars. 

Christina, as she did last year, brought a cookie cake to commemorate the event. Yum. I had two pieces. 

It was my turn to pick the restaurant. Naturally, I chose Cowbell. I am, as you may know, addicted to their sauce. 

Christina, however, informed me early Tuesday that Cowbell wasn't big enough to accommodate our group, which usually is around five or six, but for this one, everyone came. 

I switched the meeting to down the street at Tru Burger, which is more relaxed and far cheaper. It's like Five Guys but better. 

We had an excellent time. Amy brought her 5 month old named Athena. Precious. And she has the coolest name. 

Meanwhile, Amanda can't pick a name for her baby. Kevin travels every weekend to another exciting place. And Greg is Greg. 

Kelli insisted I tell a good story since she left a sick kid at home to be with us. I think we can agree that I delivered. 

Christina kept interrupting the story to make the same prediction, which wasn't right but wasn't wrong either. 

Rachel doesn't get mentioned here as she convinced a 2 year old that my name is Dolphin face some months ago. 

The group invented a new euphemism for sex. Don't ask how it came about, but it's called having some Mac and cheese. As in boy, I could really use some Mac and cheese right about now. 

Amanda says that one should always use condiments when having your Mac and cheese. "Otherwise that's how you get like this," she said pointing at her belly. 

Twenty more to go until the historic 100th dinner. Might have to get fancy for that one. 

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom is upset by news in the paper. "More embezzlement. Every time you open the fucking paper. I don't know how these fucking people get jobs. I never will. This time taking tools. You got this job and you gonna fucking steal?"

She also read about someone killing pigeons in Elmwood. "They fucking got cameras everywhere. Don't they know that? Every place has a fucking camera."

Mom reads a rumor about the new American Idol season. "They can't keep a fucking panel."

Mom needed some work down in her kitchen. She wasn't happy with the workers. Me: Should be a lovely bill. 

Mom: A what?

Me: A lovely bill. 

Mom: What's that word?

Me: Bill. B as in boy i-l-l. 

Mom: Oh. I thought you were saying dill. Didn't make sense. Dill is a fucking pickle. 

LET'S SEE. WHAT ELSE?

I had that awkward moment Friday where you wave back at somebody only to realize that person doesn't even see you and is instead waving at someone behind you. I'm a winner!

I've had this phone for almost a year and once a week, I still accidentally click on someone's name to call from the recent calls list. But what I meant to do was click to see how long the previous call took or I meant to hit the home button instead of the call button. I'm a winner!

PARTING SHOT

Brick is telling Mike that fitness expert Mackie Shilstone won't leave him alone. Mike says it can't be that bad. 

Brick: "Yeah, but he's not calling you. He's not sending you five pictures of himself a day."

AND ON THE 16TH DAY

BRIGHT AS A BUTTON

On Monday, aka Labor Day, I got in my car and went to work for the 15th consecutive day. I'm off Tuesday and Wednesday, with plenty of fun planned. 

Not that the 15 days were that bad. Both Fridays that the streak encompassed were during-the-day shifts, so I was actually off two Friday nights in a row. 

Both of those evenings worked out very well for yours truly. I had a fun night out on one of them and a meaningful, long talk with some real close friends on the other. 

Plus, I got to work on some really fun sections and oh yeah, racked up lots of overtime. 

Anyway, my last day went smooth until the end. That's when I had an accident in the bathroom. No, not like that. 

As I zipped down my pants at the urinal, I heard a pop. What the heck, I thought. But I felt no pain. Alas, It was just the button of my pants unattaching. 

It landed some 10 feet away. 

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom doesn't quite buy the concept of Labor Day. "It's supposed to be fucking Labor Day, but people go out there and sweat there asses off doing fucking barbecue. That ain't fucking Labor Day."

Mom's thoughts on the fourth Breaking Bad. "Saul looked pretty fucked up in the face. Barely recognized him." ... "I had to rewind Hank and Gomie on the balcony three fucking times. Couldn't understand what Gomie was saying. Fuck it. I put it on closed caption." ... "Walt, you can't get fucking water out of a carpet. How you gonna get gasoline out?" ... "I liked when Skylar said, 'I listened to your bullshit story when Walter Jr. was there, but ...' "

I tell mom that Paul is getting screwed at his new job. "Yeah, managers at those places are the fucking worst treated employees."

Mom worked in the yard the other day, but it started raining before she could finish. "Couldn't give me 30 more fucking minutes?"

Mom can't find any grocery bags at my house to put something in. "You go to the Winn-Dixie twice a week, and you ain't got no fucking bags?"

RANDOM THOUGHTS

Half the time when I try to type "o" in my phone, I hit the "i" button. Very frustrating. Even just now, I did it three times, but autocorrect fixed them. Not when I type if instead of of, though. 

If I had to do it all over again, I would have majored in whatever one majors in to become a "We buy gold" sign holder on the side of the road.