CAN ANYONE EXPLAIN WOMEN TO ME?

MY WRESTLING GIRL

I covered the WrestleMania XXX ticket party Friday night Nov. 15 at Champions Square. www.nola.com/festivals/index.ssf/2013/11/wrestlemania_xxx_ticket_event.html

(Paul showed up, among the several thousand, to get some John Hancocks.)

And while it was nice to meet the WWE publicity people I've been emailing this year, I was more excited to meet Ann, the  local PR go-between for me and the WWE. That's because she sounded hot on the phone. Turns out, she was hot. 

After I did my interviews and took enough notes, I started talking to Ann next to one of the autograph stands. I learned that she volunteered for the assignment at work because she likes wrestling. Whoaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. 

Granted, she was working the event and was obligated to make sure I had everything I needed. But she didn't have to talk to me for an hour and a half. The fact that we were "working" was not brought up after about 10 minutes. 

It was just us talking about life and wrestling in general. Her favorite is still Mick Foley. "I read his book in 2000." Well, shit. So did I. 

(That's the hardcore legend, Mick Foley. I have an autograph from him on a sock.)

After establishing enough groundwork and knowing I had to get going in order to write my story in a timely fashion, I said that I was going to leave and just needed to go back in the Champions Square offices to get my stuff. 

Ann: "OK, I'll wait right here."

Whoaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. 

I expected her to go back inside and converse with the other PR people. Or just leave. Not "I'll wait right here." My heart was aflutter. 

When I came back outside, she wasn't right there. She was gone. That sounded more like it. She wasn't really going to walk out with me. With my hopes dashed, I walked out as fans continued to stand in line for autographs. 

But what's this? There was Ann waiting for me on the first step leading up to the Superdome. 

Me: Oh there you are. 

Ann: Yeah. I just needed to sit down for a sec. 

Indeed. We had been standing for our whole conversation. I was once again aflutter because she had waited. Did I mention how well we were hitting it off? I had her in stitches. 

(Sir Saint agrees that Ann was into it. YES! YES! YES!)

And while the first few LOLs I figured she was being nice, after an hour and half, if she wasn't into it, she would said "Well, I have to go check on another media member" or "check in with so and so." Or something. It wouldn't have been hard to get out of the conversation. But she just kept on laughing. 

She also mentioned how hungry she was a little earlier. The media spread was grapes and crackers. So I says to her on the steps of Champions Square, "You wanna g ---"

"Oh there you are." It was her boss who sat down next to her. She introduced us, and he wouldn't shut up about 1980s wrestling. He then said, "Ann, let's go back in and check on ..."

I didn't pay attention to the rest. Off they went back to the offices. Fuck. This was finishing up a work week for them, so it's not like I could follow them and wait for her to be alone again to ask her out. 

Besides, I had a story to write. And I had her number, so I could call her. I couldn't help but wonder, though, what would have happened if her boss would have stayed inside. It seemed like she thought she was done working when I said I was leaving. We could have gotten a drink or something. 

It seemed like she was into it, but I worried about losing momentum by waiting until Monday to say something. But that's what I had to do for I only had an email and her office number. 

Sure enough when I called Monday it was like Friday night never happened. She said it was nice to meet me and looked forward to working together leading up to the actual show. 

When I asked her to come look at my personal wrestling collection that night, she said ... just kidding. I didn't do that. 

No, I asked her to a Pelicans game that Wednesday night. She said she had to work. She said it immediately. She said it definitively. She left no room for a maybe next time or how about another day. 

I felt like I had taken a body slam on the concrete. It was like my afluttering heart had been put in a figure four. 

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom was exited about a recent Sons of Anarchy episode. "It was a fucking bloodbath."

Mom has been cleaning up poop in her backyard. "It's two cats. One doesn't have a tail. It's weird."

Me: Maybe it's not a cat. 

Mom: Oh, it's a fucking cat. 

NOT A DRY EYE IN THE TOP LEVEL. ROW 1. SEAT 16.

TIME. GOES BY. SO SLOWLY. 

I'm not much of a musical person -- though I own the soundtrack to the musicals of Scrubs, The Producers and Spamalot -- but when I saw that Ghost the Musical was coming to the Saenger, I was downright giddy. 

Jenna and Joe have season tickets, and with Joe having no interest in a non-Patrick Swayze Ghost, it was me accompanying Jenna to the theatre. 

Did I enjoy the play? You damn right I did.      There are two key ingredients to any Ghost production. 1) the love story being stronger than death and 2) the comedic relief of psychic Oda Mae. 

On the second point, Tuesday's show was a success. Even though I already knew the lines, Carla Stewart's performance stole the show. The best two scenes in the show were Oda Mae at the bank and Oda Mae first convincing Molly that Sam was there as a ghost. "Tell her ditto" might have made me cry. 

On the first point, the show was a moderate success. The first couple of scenes were good, and the two leads had good chemistry in showing the undying, if not fully expressed, love of Sam and Molly. As well, the happy ending before Sam leaves for heaven was heartwarming. 

It was just the middle that lacked. More on that in a second. 

The show was also more of a special effects display than a love story at times, and that was distracting, especially when the crazy blinking lights on stage went right in my eyes. 

Overall, I loved it and really enjoyed my trip to the new theatre. Here are some photos of the inside. 

But enough praise. Here are the top five things I didn't like about my experience:

5) I couldn't see the real ghost. You know, Patrick Swayze. Too soon?

4) The people behind us wouldn't shut up. They had a conversation about how one of them never saw the movie (Whaaaat?). They laughed during the emotional ending when Molly can see Sam and they kiss. Some people, I tell ya. 

3) The musical follows the movie like gospel as the screenwriter of the movie adapted it for the stage. But it left out two of my favorite parts. A) The guy that teaches Sam to move things doesn't say "What I wouldn't give for one drag."  B) Sam doesn't move a penny up the door to convince Molly that he is there. Instead Oda Mae recited a letter. Booo!

2) The snack stand didn't have popcorn. Jenna said they probably don't want to deal with the mess, but dammit, I wanted  popcorn. Would have gone well with the second act. They did, however, have four types of Zapps because you know, chips don't make noise and bother those around you trying to hear the play. 

1) The middle of the play ruined the chemistry of our love birds. The two leads didn't share a scene for what seemed like an eternity. What really did it was that Molly had three solo songs that were meant to show her suffering after losing the love of her life. 

Instead, she came off as whiny. The actress also wasn't a strong singer, which didn't help. So I started to cheer for Carl to kill her. Well, only a little.

I would have cut out all three songs. She just had too many scenes without Sam. Their separation made me forget how much they loved -- or dittoed -- each other. 

Anyway, see Ghost the Musical. And then we can have this conversation. 

Me: I loved it. 

You: Ditto. 

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom gave me a shower stand for my 30th birthday. We put it together the other day. I'm reading the steps and point out two typos. I tell mom I'm going to write a letter to the company. "Really? It's fucking instructions."

I didn't answer the door right away when she came over. "You got the TV so loud, and I'm ringing the fucking doorbell."

Mom notices that her ticket for speeding in a school zone was written before school lets out. "That motherfucker jumped the gun."

I'M NOT YOUNG ANYMORE. SIGH.

BIRTHDAY PICTURES

Here's me eating my birthday cake at Twin Peaks. Kelly cut a piece for everyone, and then I attacked the rest of the cake with a fork. 

Kelly got me these balloons. I think this was the only part of her plan that didn't get fucked up. 

Tina arranged cupcakes Walter White style. And in a longstanding tradition, she got me clothes for my birthday. 

Bob, Paul and Leigh came over to watch the Saints manhandle them Cowboys. Also, Joe was there, and he was sporting his fantasy championship belt from 2012. Our league got this belt this year for a little more than $100. Worth it. It shall be mine! Hit my music!

I THOUGHT THE WAITRESS WAS JOKING.

CAKE. EVERYBODY LOVES CAKE. 

After I told her that I didn't want to do anything for my birthday, Kelly planned a surprise party for my 30th birthday. Bless her heart. 

Unfortunately, I found out about it. Nevertheless, we had reservations at Crazy Johnnies for Wednesday night. I, of course, was late as if it was still a surprise. 

Tina said: "You're gonna be late to your own fucking funeral. Whatever that means." 

The restaurant announced it was going to close soon the day Kelly made the reservation. Not exactly off to a good start. As we were walking up to the joint, Tina said: "This place is going to be a fucking mad house."

And it was. But Kelly got there at 5:15 to protect our reservation. So no problem, right? Wrong. Twenty minutes after we ordered, we were told they were out of filet. Ugh, that's what I ordered. So we left. 

The best part of the night ended up being the cake. 

Kelly got it from Rouses. I told her I wanted it from McKenzie's even though I meant Haydel's. So that obviously threw her off because there is no Mckenzie's on Jefferson Highway. Oops. 

So to recap, Kelly organized a surprise party (it was my fault it got ruined), got to the restaurant an hour early to set up, went through hoops to get an awesome cake (dobash), got a bunch of balloons, and my 30th birthday party ended up at Twin Peaks, where there was a 45-minute wait. 

But we did get this gem: a menu item called the Average Joes.

An appetizer with of three brats. Like they knew Joe was coming. 

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom is getting a new mouthpiece soon. "It's about time. I've been dealing with this motherfucker for five years."

As you may know, mom doesn't like police officers. Enjoy: "They get that fucking badge and think that gives them the fucking right to do anything. Fucking hate cops. When I was 20, a cop followed me for like 10 miles. I pulled into a police station. You know cops stop girls by themselves and fucking rape them? It's in the fucking paper all the time. Like 3 o'clock in the fucking morning."