LEAVING THE SPLITS

On Friday night, I went to the Loyola Young Alumni event at the new Rock 'n' Bowl. It's really spacious in there. For $20, I got free beer for two hours, about a dozen chicken wings and bowling shoes. 

We also bowled for two hours, but I didn't do well, so we'll skip right over that part. I did better messing around with a six-pound ball at the end of the night than I did with my ball trying to hook it into the pocket. 

Before leaving the joint, I went to the bathroom and became the first person to write on the wall. If you ever go into the second stall there, be sure to check out my work. It reads: No means no. But yes means yes. And so does no. 

After bowling, Little Joe, Jenna, Greg, Joe's other friends and I went to Pal's in Mid-City. They have air hockey in the back. Joe and I played two epic games of that, with each of us winning once. I think the first match (Joe won 7-6) is playing on ESPN Classic all this weekend. 

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom isn't quite up to speed with the recent summit at the White House. "What's with this beer shit?" I explain the situation. She sides with Gates. "He should yell at the cop. I would have been like, 'What the fuck you doing in my house?' " 

I say something to disturb mom. "I just got back from getting my nails done. I know you don't give a shit."

RANDOM THOUGHT OF EVERY SO OFTEN

You know that moniker thing where you take the first letter of the first name and combine it with the first syllable of the the last name (i.e. A-Rod, K-Mart)? Well, using that system, our president's nickname is B-O. Eww. 

PARTING SHOT

Little Joe tells me he's bringing his bowling ball and shoes to Rock 'n' Bowl. 

Me: Really? To a social event?

Joe: Yes. We'll bowl, then later we'll drink and dance. We'll call it a Yat-athlon.

A TOP LIST

My top five moments of July. 

5) Roulette shots. July 29. 

Can't wait to play that drinking game again. 

4) Wiffle ball. July 8. 

Who invited the ants?

3) Royal flush. July 30.

I hit my first royal flush. Did it with J-10 of hearts. 

2) Ch-ch-changes in the sports department.  

And work was never the same again. 

1) Vacation. July 15-17.

Beach, bitches.

HE DID SCORE THE WINNING RUN IN THE 2000 TITLE GAME

I love Fan Cam on WGN during Cubs games. I think their motto is: If you're a pretty girl in the crowd, we WILL find you. No exceptions. Man, I love Fan Cam.

During Thursday's rout of the hated Astros, they showed such a pretty girl with one of the greatest signs of all time: "I'M GETTING MARRIED, UNLESS THERIOT TALKS ME OUT OF IT."

I bet her fiance didn't even have a problem with it.

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom doesn't like the cost of marriage ceremonies. "People spend fucking $25,000 on weddings these days. Why? So other people can have fun? Put money down on a house."

Mom had to glue the roof felt on the inside of her car because it was becoming unattached. "Fucking heat tearing up that shit. Fucking heat."

Mom has had it up to here with the swimming pool. "Every time I think I got it to fucking blue, it goes to fucking green. It does it one more time, I'm putting the cover back on."

They were filming a movie down the street from our house all day Thursday. Director's chairs, big buses everywhere, a roped off convenient store. "What the fuck movie they shooting? We gotta find out the fucking movie."

PARTING SHOT
D is doing the NFL roundup.

D: I wonder what kind of outfielder Michael Vick would have been.
Liam: I don't know. Could he handle the dog days of summer?

A TOP LIST
In continuing with our 2000s theme, my top five most overrated movies of the period.

5) 300.
Some weird shit in that film.

4) Bond films.
Liked the action, but the story blew.

3) Iron Man.
Liked the last scene, but the story mostly blew. I knew Jeff Bridges was a bad guy about 3 minutes into the film.

2) Lord of the Rings trilogy.
Fell asleep during the first and third one. The final 35 minutes of the series should have been done in five minutes.

1) Transformers.
The critics were right: That thing sucked. Even Megan Fox was overrated. I was more into the other chick.

WELCOME BACK. YOUR DREAMS WERE YOUR TICKET OUT. 

On Tuesday, Bert moved back to New Orleans for good after living mostly in Baton Rouge for the past seven years. On Wednesday night, we gathered to celebrate. 

Bert, Jacob, gal pals Kelly and Paul and I had dinner at Liuzza's. Then, it was off to the theatre where the four nerds watched Harry Potter wave his magic wand for two-plus hours. I opted for a different film and was rewarded. (More on that Sunday.)

Before my movie started, I snuck into a showing of the Hangover for thirty minutes. I think that's one of those films that will get even better with time. "I didn't know they gave out rings at the Holocaust" is my favorite line right now. 

After the movie, we went back to Bert's for a drinking game we made up as we went along. For Christmas a few years back, David's crazy girlfriend du jour gave Bert, whom she had known for two weeks at the time, four Playboys and a roulette table that came with shot glasses. 

Bert, Jacob, Paul and I went through a bottle of Jager and a bottle of Amaretto. Our game went like this for three hours: 

-- There were six shot glasses with a set of six numbers each from the roulette table. We each picked a glass, and if the ball landed on one of your numbers, you took a shot. 

-- If it landed in the numbers for the remaining two shot glasses, we played movie trivia (using a board game called Reel Clues) to determine that round's drinker. 

-- The last person to have taken a shot read the trivia question. Whoever got the answer was then exempt, and the reader asked another question to the remaining two. The loser of that then took a shot. 

-- Types of questions were: a) give details about a movie one by one, name that movie; b) say a line said by an actor in a movie, name that actor; c) quote a movie, name that movie. 

-- If the ball landed on one of your numbers, you had a chance to not drink. Bert has a basketball goal attached to his door. You just had to make a shot about free-throw length to prevent taking a shot. This became harder the drunker we got. I made 5 of 9 attempts. 

-- If it landed on zero or double zero, all of us took a shot. 

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom had trouble locating her iPod. "What the fuck I do with it? What the fuck did I do with it?" (She found it on her treadmill.)

I ask mom a question. "You think I have the Energizer bunny up my ass."

Mom feels something funny in the kitchen. "What the fuck am I stepping on? I just cleaned the fucking floor." 

I tell mom I just got a text from Bert saying to bring cash to dinner. "Where the fuck ya'll going that don't accept credit cards?" 

PARTING SHOT

In a drunken state.

Me: Mom always said don't play ball in the house.

Bert: Well, my mom always said don't put balls in your mouth. 

AWARD CEREMONY

As the 2000s wind down, it's time to take a look at my favorite everything of the aughts. I think we'll do this in installments. Today let's focus on movies and TV.

Favorite movie: Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest. (Also nominated: Pirates: Curse of the Black Pearl, Passion of the Christ, National Treasure, Cast Away.)

Favorite comedy: Anchorman. (Also nominated: Wedding Crashers, Meet the Parents, Old School, Not Another Teen Movie.)

Favorite TV comedy that started in 2000s: The Office. (Also nominated: Scrubs, Family Guy, How I Met Your Mother, Psych.)

Favorite TV comedy that ended in 2000s: Friends. (Also nominated: King of Queens, Everybody Loves Raymond.)

Favorite drama: 24. (Also nominated: Heroes, Lost, House.)

Favorite animated movie: Up.

Favorite horror movie: Saw. (Also nominated: The Ring, The Skeleton Key.)

Favorite movie character: Jack Sparrow. (Ron Burgundy, Jigsaw, Chuck Noland.)

Favorite TV drama character: Jack Bauer. (Also nominated: Greg House, Charlie Pace, Desmond Hume, Tony Almeida.)

Favorite TV comedy character: Peter Griffin. (Also nominated: Michael Scott, Jim Halpert, Dr. Perry Cox, Shawn Spencer.)

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom and I are discussing the world of pop culture.
Me: How does Jon (of him and Kate plus 8) make a living?
Mom: Has the government pay to raise his fucking kids.

I ask mom to whip up some breakfast. "I don't feel like doing shit. I'm going to sit on my ass and watch TV."

The rain throws off the balance in our pool. "Fucking every time I get the fucking chemicals right, this happens."

I catch mom muttering. "All this bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit."

PARTING SHOT
From Tyson's twitter page.

TC: I tell you what I'm going 2 miss CP throwing me the lob.

(Me too, Tyse. --dramatic pause-- Me too.)

A TOP LIST
The top five players I didn't really like getting rid of on my favorite teams.

5) Morten Andersen. Saints.
Releasing him was not a bright spot in franchise history.

4) Tyson Chandler. Hornets.
What goes up, must come ... nope, not anymore. I didn't dislike the trade, though.

3) Mark DeRosa. Cubs.
Yeah, we didn't need a second baseman this season.

2) Robert Horry. Rockets.
Traded him in deal for Barkley. Haven't been back to finals since. Ol' Bob has added five titles and helped with big shot after big shot.

1) Sam Madison. Dolphins.
Released him to save money. He later started for the Super Bowl winning Giants.

REUNITED AND IT FEELS SO GOOD. I'M ASSUMING.

OK. Everyone can breathe easy. Kelly and Paul are back together! The trial separation is over. I'd like to take this opportunity to take some of the credit for the gal pal reconciliation.

In all seriousness, this feud was pretty out of hand for a few days there. I was worried about the future of our group dynamic. So was Bert. That's why we both put in a little extra effort to get the once conjoined combo chatting again.

I knew it was all back to normal Sunday night when I called Paul to discuss a wrestling pay-per-view.

Ring. Ring.
Voice: Hello.
Me: I see ya'll made up.
Voice: Yup.

The voice was Kelly. She answered Paul's phone. Life was back to normal.

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom cleaned the house Monday. She walks into my room. "Are you fucking kidding me!?!"

It's movie week on Millionaire. The ask-the-expert lifeline featured a pair of experts. They were unable to help the contestant on the $100,000 question. "Two fucking experts, and they couldn't get the answer. Pathetic."

DID YOU KNOW?

Did you know that Obama wants to enact a health insurance bill? Did you know that Michael Vick is out of jail and might rejoin the NFL? Did you know that rat bites killed a local child? Did you know that someone recorded live footage of Erin Andrews naked in her hotel room? (Holla at me if you have a copy.)

Did you know that a white cop arrested a black professor in his home and Obama became involved? Did you know that Brett Favre might sign with the Vikings? (And then, of course, ruin their season down the stretch.)

I DIDN'T KNOW
A convo from dinner last Tuesday.

Me: What's been up with you?
Kelly: I went to the ENT doctor today.
Me: Excuse me.
Kelly: What?
Me: What the heck kind of doc is that?
Kelly (shocked): Uh. Ears, nose and throat.
Me: Oh. Is that like a well-known thing?
Kelly: Uh, yeah.

PARTING SHOT
Anne reads the latest gossip on the Internets.

Anne: Reggie and Kim broke up.
Me: Noooooooooo!

(Yeah. Seriously. This bothered me for the rest of the night.)

CALLING CARD
A closer look at the insane world that is people who call the sports department. These are all recent calls.

1. Brick was in the middle of answering a caller's question when the caller hung up. He called back a few minutes later. Caller (to Brick): Sorry about that. (With angry tone.) I had to take care of my mom." .... Um. Any recent stories about a son murdering mother?

2. Brick took a call from a curious baseball fan.
Fan: Why do they call them the Astros?
Brick: The space program is in Houston.
Fan: But why is the name the Astros?
Brick: Because of the astronauts.
Fan: Oh.

... What a moron. And we later suggested they were named after the Jetson's dog.

3. Longtime caller and Braves fan Frank has been calling every day this season. A few weeks ago, Liam informed him that the Braves had won that day.

Frank: Who pitched so well?
Liam: Kawakami.
Frank: Bout time that Jap started doing something.

... Frank be a racist, yo.

4. I received a call Sunday from someone looking for prep baseball scores.

Me: We don't have any yet, sir.
Caller: Why thank you. Keep up the good work. Ya'll do a great job.

... That's the first time I believe a caller has ever given a compliment.

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom fixed some chicken breasts and wings today. We sit down to eat. "I forgot to buy my fucking barbecue sauce."

Mom still is miffed by the workings of the new air condition system. "Fucking 79 degrees in here."

Mom is in love with T.O. "He's so hot."
Me: But he's the biggest douche in the world.
Mom: Who gives a shit?

I'm watching a program about the history of patriotism in wrestling. Mom passes by. "You watch too much of this bullshit."

MOVIE WEEK IN REVIEW

Iron Man. 2008. So overrated. I called the heel turn within the first five minutes of the movie.

Bruno. 2009. Equal parts disturbing and funny.

I Love You, Beth Cooper. 2009. Awful, awful movie. But the Cheerleader was practically naked, so that was something.

Man on Fire. 2004. Excellent film. Loved Denzel. Knew the dad was part of the kidnapping.

The Bucket List. 2007. Got bad reviews, but the final 15 minutes are really good. Jack made me cry.

Valley Girl. 1983. Bitchin' to the max. Four sets of boobs.

RANDOM THOUGHT OF EVERY SO OFTEN

Why can't they just come out with it and give the exact number of stats? I hate reading that something is nearly 100 or whatever amount or that something is just more than an amount. What's wrong with the actual number?

Today, I saw more than a dozen blah blah blah. Why not just tell me 13 or 14?

SPORTS MANIA

I had a beautiful Sunday afternoon. I watched the Cubs-Reds game on the TV in the dining room while also watching the U.S.-Mexico Gold Cup final match on the TV in the living room. Also, I watched a good chunk of the Astros-Mets and Cardinals-Phillies.

Everything went perfect, except for that soccer match. We'll just ignore that one.

PARTING SHOT
We see that Michael Phelps won another medal.

Liam: Smoked 'em again.

ROOT, ROOT, ROOT FOR THE CUBBIES

I'm going to be honest with you. I took the first three months of the baseball season off. My heart was still broken from last season's playoff debacle, and I couldn't stomach living through a full season yet again.

So, I skipped (except for the first two games of the season) April, May and June. Apparently, so did the Cubs. Thank you. Thank you. I'll be here all night.

Sometime at the beginning of July, I started my season. So did the Cubs. Since then, I've returned to my same old obsessive fan self. In the first three months, I maybe watched five games. Well, I've watched the past five games in a row.

Time to make the charge to October. By the way, I wrote the headline of this note as a headline to a Derry column several years ago.

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom recently discovered the most known wide receiver in the NFL because he has a reality show on VH1 or E! "Who the fuck is T.O.?" I give a quick explanation. "What the fuck's he doin' in L.A.?" I tell her he plays for Buffalo. "He has a house in L.A. He just paid millions for the motherfucker."

Mom returns home after running some errands. "I remembered to get fucking gas. First time since Panama City."

ON THIS DATE IN GENE POOL HISTORY

2008: I recounted my poker night with the For Real Man. I just reread that entry. So funny. He said "for real" about 4,000 times in a four-hour period. For real.

My favorite line from the For Real Man: "My girlfriend is down at the strip club right now trying to make some money."

PARTING SHOTS
We're laughing at Tulane for only getting one player on the preseason all C-USA team.

JRap (to me): You're All-CUSA.
Me: Your mom's All-CUSA.
Derry: At least you didn't say my mom. She couldn't be All-CUSA. She's dead.
Liam: Not in C-USA.

Danny tells me that he went to Rummel's 2004 class reunion last night.

Me: What were you doing there?
Danny: Chasing tail.
Me: You know, that's an all-boys school.
Danny: OK. OK. Let's not beat around the bush. Up. That's what Ted said.

JRap had two at dinner.

1. Max ordered meatballs and spaghetti. Brick ordered Italian sausage and spaghetti. But we got two orders of Italian sausage and spaghetti.

JRap: They both got a weenie. Max wanted the balls.

2. JRap conveys the theme of the night while we're discussing a movie.

Me: What's your favorite line?
JRap: The line to kick your ass.

We're trying to explain to D the difference between a father and a brother, religiously speaking.

Brick: (You might become a brother) if you don't intend to do Mass.
Sandy (offended): What you say?
Brick: I said, 'If you don't intend to do Mass.'
Sandy: Oh. I didn't hear the M.

STORMIN' NORMAN

I interviewed ESPN poker commentator Norman Chad today for 30 minutes. Yeah, he called me at home. I have his cell. Whatevs.

The questioning was going OK until I asked him about Phil Ivey. That's when the interview took off. I couldn't stop laughing for the next 10 minutes.

Every year, Norms (that's what I call him for short) picks Ivey to win the World Series of Poker. And this year Ivey has made it to the final table. Norms (on the first day of the event): "He shows up on no sleep with a hooded sweatshirt after playing poker all night. I go over there. I say, 'By the way, you know how much I root for ya, would it kill you to get eight hours sleep before the world championship. It's the goddamn main event. What is your problem?' "

Norms said Ivey has a great personality but doesn't show it in interviews. Once before an interview on TV, Norms told Ivey: "Are you going to fuck me again? He said, 'What do you mean?' I said, 'Anytime we put a camera on ya, all you say is yes or no.' So I asked him a non yes-or-no question, and his answer was yes or no. The camera went off. I said, 'See, you fucked me again.'

Norms loves poker but prefers stud to hold 'em. "I don't know shit about hold 'em."

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom didn't have much to say about the murder-suicide down the street. "That's what happens sometimes. Fucking took a 12-gauge shotgun and blew her head off."

We're watching Millionaire when FOX interrupts to report on the situation with the cocaine, sick cops and the hospital . Mom: "What the fuck?" There were three other WTFs scattered throughout the day.

RANDOM THOUGHT OF EVERY SO OFTEN

Why is it so hard for people to grasp that decades go from 1-0 (i.e. 2001-2010) and not 0-9 (i.e. 2000-2009)? The new millennium started on Jan. 1, 2001. The first year was the year 1, not the year zero.

Sure, you can reference something as the 2000s (the best whatever of the 2000s), but don't say it's the best whatever of the decade and use 2000-2009. You can use them both separately. I do.

PARTING SHOT
We're shooting the shit at work.

D (to me): You investigate that situation in Harahan?
Me: Yeah. Drove by there last night. Nothing going on.
Liam: Yeah. Cuz everybody dead.

HOLY CRAP!

There was a murder-suicide in Harahan tonight. A block away from the playground and about half-mile from my house. To my knowledge, it's the first time since I've lived there that a Harahan resident committed murder in the city.

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom takes a look at my sunburned head. "Fucking scalp is peeling."

I'm trying to register the new air conditioner system online. I'm on the phone with mom filling in the information. I ask her for the brand name of the old system. "Uh, I just threw the motherfucker away." (She remembered it from a list of choices I read.)

WHAT TIME IS IT? I CAN'T TELL.

I don't watch Big Brother, but Tina made me watch a clip from this past week's episode. This is my favorite thing I've seen on TV this summer. The chick might be the dumbest woman alive.

ON THIS DATE IN GENE POOL HISTORY

2008: I told the origin of The Gene Pool. Here's the pickup line one more time for ya.

Me: "How's it going? My name's Gene."
Target: "Pretty good. My name is (so-and-so)."
Me: "That's a lovely name. Do you like to go swimming?"
Target: "Of course. I love the beach. Hee-hee."
Me: "Want to take a dip in The Gene Pool?"

PARTING SHOTS
We're joking about traveling to see the Jesters play in the playoffs.

D: And we can take off our shirts and spell out Jesters on our chests.
Marcus: D, you can fit ESTERS across just your chest.

Liam and I are looking at the Cubs schedule.

Me: What is that little cartoon thing on the schedule there?
Liam: Isn't that from G-Force?
Me: Oh yeah. That's everywhere. You can't avoid the promotion of that film.
Liam: Yeah. It's a force to be reckoned with.

GOOD KARMA

Kelly and I ate at Reginelli's on Tuesday night in Elmwood. When we got the bill, I remembered I had been wanting to visit the location for a few weeks now. Not for dinner but to right a wrong while also helping out the restaurant. 

In my church bulletin, Reginelli's advertises on the back page, saying that the joint is located right across the street from the Cocoa-Cola plant. I told our lovely waitress Jessica about the mistake. 

Kelly told me I was crazy for even bringing it up and that they would be talking about me at the restaurant for the rest of the night. You think I cared? I'm tired of staring at the error every week. It drives me mad and makes me crazy. Wait. Switch that.  

To her credit, Jessica laughed at the notion of a Cocoa-Cola company. She then told her manager. So, any week now, this egregious snafu will be corrected. I'm giddy for Mass. 

Do good things, good things happen. I looked at my bank statement today, and the Reginelli's transaction had already gone through. Except that the amount taken out didn't include the tip I wrote in. Either they really appreciated my tidbit about their ad or Jessica had the hots for me. 

OK, so she probably just typed in the amount incorrectly. Whatever. 

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom and I discuss the possibility of a Waffle House in our town. "Fucking Harahan cops would be wanting their free fucking breakfast."

We go to Coldstone Creamery for mom to get some fat free ice cream. "Lady on the phone made it seem like they had this big selection. Ha. Fucking two items." 

On the way home, we pass by a house on our street with really high grass. "Cut your fucking grass, man. If I lived next to you, I'd have had the fucking county on your ass. I ain't livin' next to that shit. Have fucking City Hall on 'em." (County? What state are we in?) 

SUMMER OF CHANGE

While I was eating dinner recently on vacation, I got to thinking about the past few months and all the changes. People all around me are making alterations to their lives. So, I decided to go for a song. The waiter didn't enjoy my signing.

----------------------------------------

Me and mom on vacation at the beach

Nick in Asia just trying to teach

Lopes is leaving us for Holy Cross

Marcus moved up to a bigger boss

Oh, yeah, it's a summer of change

Between you and me, it's all kind of strange

A chorus really should have another rhyme

But I don't have one, is that a crime?

Bert and Greg take the bar all this week

Minkus in Philly still being a geek

Jelly jumped ship to nola.com

Brick in charge, hopes not to bomb

Chorus

Christina was the latest to say I do

Amanda made her leader debut

Joe came home, took any old job

Chuck reunited with his roommate Bob

Chorus

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

The air conditioner people were able to finish the job in one day. My mom is getting used to the new system. "Fucking thermostat has a clock on it."

The new system didn't seem to be working properly. The thing wasn't cutting off at the set 76 degrees even though it was really cold in the house. "What the fuck?"

If it's not one thing, it's another. Our water heater is now broken. "Can't go a day without something breaking. Not a fucking day. Not a fucking day."

The closing of Causeway for the week made mom drive out of her way. "Had to go to fucking Clearview to get the pool chemicals."

PARTING SHOT

I've spent much of the past few days trying to play mediator in the truce talks between Kelly and Paul, who are currently going through a separation. I should get a freakin' medal. Anyway, Kelly and I went to dinner Tuesday night. Kelly is turning into a parking spot.

Kelly: Can I fit in here?

Me: That's what I said.

AFTER VACATION, I LOOK LIKE RUDOLPH

On Saturday night, I read a story for page C-8 in Sunday's section on the possibility of a poor upcoming deer season in Louisiana. You see, we haven't had much precipitation recently and that affects their food supply. A bad food supply equals less development, which means hunters will be disappointed with the size and amount of deer. Yada. Yada. Yada.

The reason I bring this up is because of my headline on the story. WANTED: RAIN, DEER. Cuz that's what hunters want right now. Rain and deer. Get it? Brick liked it. That was good enough for me.

When I checked my facebook Monday night at work, I got some great news regarding the headline. Brick sent me this message: Your Rain, Deer headline got a congratulatory e-mail from Jim Amoss. (That's the editor of the T-P. Like the main, main editor. ) I'm so stoked!

Next up on my list of goals: A call from Obama.

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

The air conditioner worker people came over today to put in our new system. Woke me up at 9 a.m. My mom is worried about the process not going smoothly. "I'm gonna have to paint the fucking wall again."

I ask mom how long she'll think it will take. "I have no fucking idea."

DID YOU KNOW?

Did you know that Tiger Woods missed the cut at the British Open? Did you know that Walter Cronkite died? Did you know that Paula Abdul may or may not come back to American Idol?

I DIDN'T KNOW
A list of things I didn't know in the past week.

-- I thought that Rita Benson LeBlanc was Tom's daughter. Turns out, she's his granddaughter. My co-workers are ashamed.

-- I didn't know of the existence of The State until all the hoopla last week about the release of the DVD. I love almost all the shows those people did after The State (Stella, Reno 911!), so I couldn't believe I didn't know they all did a show together before that. Chuck and Gillie are ashamed. Luckily, this is why they invited Netflix.

-- I didn't know there was a door in the prep corner of the sports room. Yup, it's a closet.

PARTING SHOT
Lopes is reading the latest news.

Lopes: McNair drunk when shot.
Me: He had one shot?
Lopes: No. He was drunk (emphasized) when shot.
Me: Oh.
Bake: He had four shots too many.

A TOP LIST
The top five houses I would buy if I hit the lottery.

5) House for Tina.
Anywhere she wants.

4) Panama City Beach.
Wake up, walk to the beach.

3) Penthouse in New York.
Throw some outrageous parties.

2) North side of Chicago.
For the summer, ya know.

1) St. Charles.
I've always wanted to live in one of those big houses.

TINA AND GENE GO TO PANAMA CITY: PICTURES

How bout that hotel room view? I told ya our hotel sucked. Ten years ago, that crap wasn't in the way. You could see straight out to the Gulf. 

Tina enjoyed a top shelf margarita at Margaritaville while we waited for a table Wednesday night. She made me get a beer. Her: "C'mon. Have a drink with yer mamma." 

This was our table. Felt like we were hosting a TV show or we were part of a senate committee. When I ordered my food, I pretended to speak into a microphone. I don't think our semi-gay waiter Billy got the joke. 

The world's most largest restaurant worker appeared suddenly and started making balloon animals for all the kiddies. This seemed odd.

After dinner Wednesday, we played putt-putt at the same course we used to play at in the 90s. Seeing this array of fish by the entrance brought back memories of feeding them as a kid. 

So, that's how they make bubblegum snowballs. 

If you make a hole-in-one on the 18th hole, you win $50 and more important, get your picture on the wall of winners. This is a list of rules for the big-money hole. The first rule blew me away: First stroke counts as one. Really? So, what you're saying is, the four strokes I took to complete the hole don't count as one? Really?

Seriously, though, seeing that rule was a relief. Yeah, because I can't make a hole-in-one if my first stroke counts as two. 

The name of the water park is Shipwreck Island. For any Lost fans out there, I looked inside, but I didn't find any dynamite. Just a long line to jump off the sinking ship and into the ocean, or in this case, a swimming pool. 

That's the line for the Rapid River. This is a fun ride, similar to Splash Mountain. It has a serious design flaw, though. Your tube will get stuck at various spots where the "rapid river" doesn't keep pushing you along. 

So, they have about 10 workers stationed at these various points to help you along. I'm sure a slight alteration to the ride would eliminate these non-moving spots. That could save the park money on 10 unnecessary workers. This tangent was going somewhere when I started it. I swear.

Some folks just couldn't handle all the excitement of the water park. 

On Thursday night, Tina got this tattoo at a wacky store across the street from our hotel. This is before it began drying. The "artist" said it could last up to a month if cared for properly. 

While Tina got her ink, I roamed the store. Don't bounce balls, eh? I certainly didn't. I did, however, kick one of the balls around the store. What a stupid rule: Don't bounce the soccer ball. Who would do such a thing? 

The bottom left corner of this sign says: Largest track in Northwest Florida. Now, that's an impressive claim. In all of the vastness that is Northwest Florida, this is the longest track. What an attraction right there on the strip in Panama City. 

In related news, Harahan is the safest town in Southeast Louisiana. 

Oh, how I miss the beach. 

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

We are getting a new air conditioner system Monday. We've been using fans since like last Saturday. My mom can't wait to have air again. "Can't remember the last time I slept in my bed. (The back rooms are the hottest. We've been sleeping in the dining room.) It's like fucking Katrina." 

On Sunday afternoon, mom said: "I'm taking a nap." 

Me: Why? 

Mom: Cuz I'm fucking tired.

After her nap, mom caught up with the news she missed while on vacation. She reads about a guy getting caught with child porn after he had his computer worked on at Best Buy. "Fucking brought the fucking thing to the store with all that shit on it." 

RANDOM THOUGHT OF EVERY SO OFTEN

How come they haven't made the sports version of Scary Movie? I would see that. 

PARTING SHOTS

I stop by Danny's work station, and he observes my sunburned nose. 

Me: Yeah, but this one never hurt or bothered me.

Danny: Well, a red nose is better than a brown nose. 

JRap offers me leftover sausage pizza. 

Me: No thanks. I don't like sausage. 

JRap: At all?

Me: Nope. 

JRap: Trust me, if you ever end up in jail, you'll learn to like it. 

TINA AND GENE GO TO PANAMA CITY: DAY 4
For the return trip, this segment doubles as The Tina Cursing Corner. This is all during our six-hour journey back to the Big Easy.

My mom complains about a bump on her left arm. "Still don't know how I got this fucking bruise." (I think she may be a sleepwalker.)

A sign on the strip advertises for a Caribbean Crawfish Boil. Mom is offended. "What the fuck is that?"

Mom tells me to call my dad.
Me: There's no reception right now.
Mom: You're fucking kidding me.

We spent almost an hour driving through Mobile because traffic was horrible. At the beginning of the jam: "What the fuck? I'm doing 20. What the fuck's going on? ... What the fuck? ... Fucking came to a halt."

We start moving but only for about .3 miles. "What the was the hold up? Traffic? Like a fucking hurricane. ... Lost 28 fucking minutes (on our estimated arrival time.)"

Mom doesn't like the Interstate in New Orleans East. "Fucking bumping crap."

Mom prepares to return to every day life. "I don't know how the fuck I'm going to watch all that shit I taped."

Mom avoids an accident coming off the Earhart with an older dude who has no clue where he's going. "You got to avoid people like that. You have to look out for them. Look. He just changed four fucking lanes. All the way over. Fucking old people, man."

Coming tomorrow: Our trip to Panama City in pictures.

ON THIS DATE IN GENE POOL HISTORY

2008: I coined the phrase Yat-Together and discussed our July meeting at Five Happiness.

PARTING SHOT
Sandy and Brick are discussing a raccoon problem.

Me: The best way to keep them off your property is to pee around the fence. I heard that somewhere.
Brick: Sounds like a business.
Me: Yeah. Raccoon problem? Call me, and I'll come and pee at your house.
Bake (in his pitchman voice): You supply the beer. I'll secure the perimeter.

A TOP LIST
Vacation, as Kelly would say, was super fun. It was. Here the top five negatives.

5) Missed dinner.
The July Yat-Together happened without me. Amanda rubbed it in with this text: "We'll miss you soooo much fearless leader."

4) The hotel sucked.
It's gone downhill in the 10 years since we've been there. I don't think they'll be in business in two years. All the workers were sketchy, and the place was filthy. I had trouble sleeping.

3) Sunburn.
I sprayed that stuff all over multiple times. It worked, too. Except I didn't spray the top of my head (and didn't bring a hat) or the top of my foot. Those spots be in pain, yo. I ain't wearing shoes for a few days.

2) Money.
Total cost for me: $275.39.

1) Tube trails.
I'm behind on my TV from last week. Plus, I have several Netflix discs awaiting viewing. Operation Ketchup commences tonight.

TINA AND GENE GO TO PANAMA CITY: DAY 3

MAKE IT HAPPEN, CAPT: On Friday night, we went to Capt. Anderson's for some seafood. Betsy didn't know the place existed, as she tried to make us go to a golf course and also didn't list it under food in the area, even though we were in the parking lot. The view, overlooking a marina, was beautiful. The food was OK.  

Said Tina after the meal: "Why am I so full? (Thinks.) Too much bread. Fucking carbs." 

BREAK-UP: There's a group of 10 staying here at our hotel in a two-bedroom. Doesn't sound like a good idea? It wasn't. One dude was downstairs today lamenting to Tina that his girlfriend broke up with him after a fight in the cramped hotel room. 

LONG WALKS ON THE BEACH: I enjoyed two of them Friday, one in the afternoon in the heat and another in the cool night. The highlight of the early walk was seeing seven dead fish washed ashore. The night walk was capped by me digging my name into the sand. 

SHOPPING: On Thursday night, Tina and I went browsing at some stores. One store had a section of funny slogans on stickers and T-shirts. 

Best sticker: I MAY BE FAT, BUT YOU'RE UGLY, AND I CAN DIET.

Best T-shirt: I DON'T NEED AN ENCYCLOPEDIA. MY WIFE HAS ALL THE ANSWERS. 

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom and I discussed Kenner continuing to catch sexual predators. The latest one they reeled in after two years of talking to him online. "It takes some real cahoonas to put yourself on a fucking web cam. It's bad enough you're about to be caught, but you're gonna jerk off, too?"

On the way home Thursday night, mom didn't like driving in a patch of dark. "They ain't got no fucking lights out here." 

Mom came close to making a hole-in-one on the 18th hole at putt-putt Wednesday night, which would have won her $50. "My ball went right over the fucking hole." 

We watch Friday's weather forecast on Thursday night. "Lot of fucking rain coming. I don't want to see any rain until fucking Tuesday." (It didn't but sprinkle for 10 minutes Friday.)

Mom buys a USA Today from the lobby. "It doesn't have a fucking crossword puzzle. I was really hoping to do it." (It was in the sports section, which featured a story on celebrations in sports and somehow didn't mention the jump bump.)

RANDOM THOUGHT OF EVERY SO OFTEN

How come every informercial has to get all excited about giving you a second product free with purchase of the main item? They always say, "Call now, and we'll throw in such-and-such absolutely free." If that second product was worth a shit, it have its own informercial. And by adding a second item, they're basically saying the first one isn't good enough to sell itself. 

PARTING SHOT 

On the way home from Capt. Anderson's on Friday night, the radio person is talking about big upcoming concerts in the area.  

Jockey: Yes. Journey tickets went on sale today. 

Tina: Didn't you already get tickets for that?

Me (whispering): We're not in New Orleans.  

Tina: Oh. Right. 

TINA AND GENE GO TO PANAMA CITY: DAY 2.

ROLL TIDE, NOT: It seems that everyone you run into here in Panama City is a fan of one SEC team or another. It's mostly Alabama fans I'm running into, including a guy today with a Roll Tide tattoo on his arm. I haven't picked a fight. Yet. 

WASTING AWAY AGAIN: We had dinner last night at Margaritaville. Even though we got there at 5 p.m. for dinner, there were two waits: one to get a pager and then one for the pager to buzz. 

We only had to wait for 45 minutes total (instead of 2 hours) because of our small party. There was a logjam at the door. Lady: "You got to get in line just to get out of here." 

GET IN THE HOLE: After dinner Wednesday night, we played some putt-putt down the street from the hotel. The par was 41. Tina shot 55; I shot 44 (par on the back nine). My short game was working really well, except on the 17th where I three-putted. 

JUST AN ENTRANCE: From 10:30 a.m. to 3 p.m., Tina and I went crazy at the water park. Our night plan was to go to the amusement park across the street. However, it ain't there no more, as we found out from a worker at the water park. Worker: "About six years ago. It's weeds now, except the small entrance building is still there."

THE CURSING CORNER

We're driving around the huge parking lot of the outdoor mall where Margaritaville is located. My mom: "Where the fuck is it?" Then, as we were trying to leave. "How the fuck do we get out of here?" 

One of the rides at the water park had two choices. The Free Fall (straight drop) or a weaving tunnel. Tina chose the weaving tunnel. It gave her a headache. "Should have just gone down the fucking shoot." 

PARTING SHOT

We're waiting in one of the many lines. All I do on vacations is wait in lines. The teenagers, from Alabama, behind us kept quoting Step Brothers.

"Dale, no power tools." 

"Don't brush your teeth with that." 

"I'm almost done anyway."

"No power tools." 

A TOP LIST

The return of an old friend with a new name. I'm not a fan of roller coasters, but I love water rides. My favorite five. 

5) Zoom flumes. Panama City.

Get on a mat and race two others down a weaving slide. I got yelled at for laying on my stomach even though there is no sign saying not to do that. And there's like 50 signs saying what not to do. 

4) Anything with a big drop. 

I like the adrenaline rush and then splashing into water. 

3) Splash Mountain.  

All night long, baby.  

2) Lagoon ride.   

Used to be at the amusement park in Panama City. 

1) Dudley Do-Right. Universal Studios. 

Paul and I were able to do that one three times in a row because the park was about to close and most people had left. Got real wet.  

TINA AND GENE GO TO PANAMA CITY: DAY 1

These updates will be done in notebook form. Enjoy.

TRAVEL TIME: We left at 6:57 a.m. We arrived at 1:04 p.m. We stopped three times, including for breakfast in Alabama at Waffle House where I had two waffles. 

COUPLE OF GOOD OL' BOYS: After watching two locals get into a fender bender outside the Waffle House and then discussing it, I started quoting My Cousin Vinny. It was funny because we were in Alabama. Contrary to at home, a cop showed up at the scene in under five minutes.

CONSPIRACY THEORY: I believe that Betsy (our GPS) is in cahoots with the government or some agency in charge of collecting tolls. Betsy took us off the Interstate at Gulf Breeze and down the back way, which was nice except we had to pay a $3.50 toll there. Same thing happened in Houston with Paul. Betsy kept trying to make us go on a toll booth where you could only get on with a pass. Hmm. 

THAT WEB SITE IS TAKEN: Passing through the back roads of Florida's beaches, I saw a sign for Tiger Park. The Web site is www.tpsports.net. Seems like we got beat to the punch. 

THE INTERSTATE LIES: As we were  approaching Mobile, I took note of the Interstate signs telling us how far we were away from the town and the corresponding distance Betsy had us veering before Mobile. Look at these numbers. (Note: The distances aren't supposed to be the same.)

Interstate sign: 51. Betsy: 46.

Interstate: 35. Betsy: 33.

Interstate: 26. Betsy: 19.  

Interstate: 12: Betsy: 8. 

So, at first, there was a five-mile difference. Then, a two, then a seven, then a four. I'm thinking the Interstate signs aren't spaced out correctly. Same thing happens when I go to Baton Rouge. 

FREE CHAIRS: We went out to the beach at about 2:30 p.m. and took in some sun on these chairs that you are supposed to pay to use. At about 3;30 p.m., the girl in charge of collecting the money came around and offered us the chair for the rest of the evening for $5 (down from $20 for all day.) 

We said no thanks and got up to leave. She continued to try to make the sale by saying we didn't have to pay her right away, but we could do it later. Uh, no. We left. 

POOLSIDE: Tina convinced an 18-year-old chick (who looked 30) to change her hair color from blond to red like Tina's highlights. In other poolside news, two minutes after I got in our hotel pool, it was suddenly just me. No one else joined me for 30 minutes. Go ahead and laugh it up.

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom was pissed to find me still awake at 3 a.m. Wednesday morning when she planned to leave at 6:30 a.m. "Are you fucking kidding me?!" 

As we start the drive to Panama City: "It'll take an hour and a half to get out of fucking Slidell." (It took 45 minutes.)

I look at some empty land in New Orleans East. "Why doesn't anybody use this land?"

Mom: "No one wants it. Fucking swamp." 

Mom doesn't like the drive to Slidell. "Who would want to drive this shit every day? ... Why the fuck would you want to drive this all the time?" 

Mom doesn't like the way a maniac is driving. "Look at this asshole weaving between two fucking cars." 

A few minutes after we got to the state after Mississippi, we had this exchange. 

Me: Where we at?

Mom: Not quite Mobile. 

Me: Come on. 

Mom (nodding): Oh. Ala-fucking-bama. 

Mom sees this giant building at the foot of Destin. "Takes up a fucking city block." (Those mfers also have a building there with a pseudo Pat O's, Camellia Grill and Commander's.)

Mom's hair dryer decided to stop working in Florida. "What the fuck is wrong with my dryer? How the fuck am I going to dry my hair?" 

ON THIS DATE IN GENE POOL HISTORY

2008: I compared T-P workers to the characters of Scrubs. Who could forget Sandy as Carla, Liam as the Janitor, Marcus as Dr. Cox or Phil as Troy the cafeteria worker?

PARTING SHOT

A 12-year-old boy, his mother and grandmother, about 65, are hanging out on the beach. 

Grandmother (to grandson): Don't be fooled. I'm flexible. 

VA-CA-TI-ON

When I was a kid, we took a vacation every summer to Panama City Beach. Our last one was in 1999. Well, folks, on Wednesday Tina and I are heading back there for three days on the 10-year anniversary.

At work Tuesday night, I made a mix CD for our road trip. Take a look at the playlist:

Light On - David Cook (Tina loves Cook, and this will get her into the mix.)
Dirty Diana - Michael Jackson (As a rule for the next year, all mixes must have an MJ song.)
Tinderbox - Elton John (Be quiet.)
Somebody to Love - Jefferson Airplane (That was Tina's first concert.)
We Belong Together - Mariah Carey
Rock N Roll Fantasy - Bad Company
(Random insertion of A Few Good Men movie quote)
Drive My Car - Beatles (off Tina's favorite album, Rubber Soul)
Brown Sugar - Rolling Stones (as selected by Brick)
Take it Easy - Eagles (as selected by Derry)
Little of Your Time - Maroon 5 (a new age energy being brought in)
Catch a Wave - Beach Boys (We are going to the beach.)
Feels Like Tonight - Daughtry (Tina loves him, too. I'm keeping her interest.)
Homeward Bound - Simon & Garfunkel (probably should have this for the return mix)
Too Little Too Late - Barenaked Ladies
Hit Me With Your Best Shot - Pat Benatar
Double Vision - Foreigner (Who doesn't like Foreigner?)
Big Casino - Jimmy Eat World (to remind me of home)
(Random insertion of Forrest Gump quote)
I Saw Her Standing There - Beatles
Old Time Rock and Roll - Bob Seger
Anyway You Want It - Journey
American Girl - Tom Petty
(Random insertion of As Good As it Gets quote)
Pages - 3 Doors Down
Ramble On - Led Zeppelin (How else would you end it?)

My goal on this trip is simply to recreate my childhood.
-- We're staying at the same hotel.
-- We're going to play putt-putt, and I will win.
-- We're spending a day at the water park and a night at the amusement park.
-- I'm going to play in the sand on the beach.
-- We're going to eat at Captain Anderson's.
-- We're going to eat at Waffle House every morning.
-- I'm going to stare at girls.

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom is watching a soap opera. "Here's another cuckoo. Thinks her fucking stuffed animal is real."

Mom is wearing new pants. "They call these athletic shorts. Bullshit. They fucking sticking to me."

It is so hot in the house I got to work early Tuesday. Mom can't stand it. "Oh, fuck me!"

I put on the Family Feud in the living room. "Seriously? You watch all this shit at night, and now you're gonna add fucking game shows?"
Tuesday's highlights: Jeopardy!: I got 18 questions right in the first round.
Millionaire: A dude missed the $300 question.
Family Feud: The final score was 610-49. That's a blowout.

RANDOM THOUGHT OF EVERY SO OFTEN

With everybody shuffling around in our department and changing hours, I got to thinking: What would be my ideal work hours? Answer: 11:45 a.m. to 6:45 p.m. Don't have to wake up too early. Would be able to make most night events. Yes, I know that's only seven hours.

PARTING SHOT
Lopes answers the phone and tells Trey the phone is for him.

Lopes: Some short, annoying guy on line 81. Goes by the name Gamby.
Jelly: Oh. I thought you meant Pierce.

I WROTE A COLUMN ONCE ON KEN JENNINGS.

I love poker. I love sports. I love sitcoms. But what I really love is game shows. I could watch game shows all day long and ignore everything else. I wish I had the game show network at home. Show after show after show. That would be so sweet.

Until recently, I had forgotten my love for game shows. Then, I discovered one of the great hours in TV. Weekdays on Fox at noon, it's Jeopardy! followed by Millionaire. Using the DVR, I watched both shows in 31 minutes today.

A little later, there's Family Feud on ABC. Those are my three favorite all-time game shows. Now, that's how to spend an afternoon.

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My dad took one of my mom's shoes to the shop to get the heel fixed. She's not satisfied. "They didn't do a fucking thing. Ain't the same service over there since Lewis left. Where's fucking Lewis?"

I tell mom that it is hot outside. "No shit."

I want to show mom something I taped in my room. Me: Can you step into my office?
Mom: Are you fucking kidding me?

The fans we have running are losing the battle to the heat. "It's fucking 90 degrees in here."

ON THIS DATE IN GENE POOL HISTORY

2008: The Tina Cursing Corner made its historic debut. The first ever entry: "I saw a tittie at Wal-Mart today. A black woman's tittie was just hanging out there. I mean the whole fucking thing. I don't know if she knew. Maybe she did. She was sitting on a cart."

DID YOU KNOW?

Did you know that Obama may or may not have taken a peak at a chick's behind? Did you know that there is absolutely nothing going on in the world of sports? Did you know that Tony Romo kicked Jessica Simpson to the curb? Did you know that Jeff Goldblum is alive and well?

I DIDN'T KNOW

I'll tell you something I didn't know. I didn't know that the Scarlet Letter was a letter from the alphabet. I thought that book was about an actual letter written by someone named Scarlet, and the plot revolved around what she wrote in the letter. Who knew it was the Letter "A"?

Luckily, Kelly explained the whole thing to me. Think about it, though. The Scarlet Letter 2. A character reads a letter from Scarlet, and the rest of the novel clears up all the questions the reader has from the letter.

PARTING SHOT
We're watching the Home Run Derby. They need to break a tie in the first round. The announcers search for what to call the tiebreaker.

Joe Morgan: Yeah. I like bat-off.
Lopes: Better than a jack-off.

YOU GOTTA FIGHT. FOR YOUR RIGHT. ...

After work Saturday night, I drove back to Harahan. But not to go home. Oh no. I met gal pals Paul and Kelly as well as Kelly's good friend Nicole at the Rickshaw Lounge on Hickory Avenue. And you thought Harahan shut it down at 10 p.m.

It was an 80s themed party. There was a guy dressed like Pee Wee Herman. Devo T-shirts. Crazy wigs. Crazier hair. Football gear with old logos. In other words, it was fantastic.

The rest of the gang was all there by 9 p.m., but I showed up at 11:45 p.m. They were just getting started. The music was good, except for this sequence started at about midnight.

Shook Me All Night Long
Beastie Boys song
Pour Some Sugar on Me
Different Beastie Boys song
Shook Me All Night Long

A tad repetitive if you ask me. But what do I know? Kelly and I did not start the evening off on the right note.

Kelly (while we're dancing): What color are my eyes?
Me: Uh, brown.
Kelly: You ...
Me: I mean uh green. Blue.
Kelly: Fuck you.

I tried to explain to Kelly that I don't know the color of anyone's eyes, but she didn't believe me and kept spitting her water (yes, Kelly's a spitter) on me. She even got me in the crotch area. Twice. Eventually, I convinced her that I didn't mean to offend her and really don't know eye colors. I really don't.

I still can't believe this place is in the heart of Harahan. It was wild. Take a look at a few pictures.
Footloose is just an excuse for girls to huddle up and repeat the same motions together.

Nicole, in pink, was a solid Six Beers when I arrived before midnight. For the next two hours, she didn't stop drinking (shots, beer, not water), despite the best efforts of Paul, Kelly and me.

At some point, she took the microphone from someone who worked there and proceeded to sing the next four songs, whether she knew the words or not. Here she approaches a trio of strangers and gets them to sing with her. This was most entertaining.

A large part of Nicole's family was on hand. Did they help us stop her from drinking enough to get alcohol poisoning? No. They encouraged it. Oh, Nicole needs another beer. Here you go, dawling.

Her brother, who refused to watch Nicole work her magic on the pole in the middle of the bar, must have served her four beers within an hour. He was basically saying, "Man, you're drunk. Stop slobbering on that pole. Here's another beer. Drink."

Eventually, we got Nicole to stop and leave at 2:30 a.m. Kelly took her home before meeting Paul and me at Bud's. I don't think Nicole felt too good Sunday. Probably will feel it Monday, too.

Yes, that's a 55-year-old man (maybe 60) dancing on a pole. He observed Nicole's moves and wanted to show everyone some of his own. Pretty disgusting. He also kept whispering things to Paul and me throughout the night. We didn't understand a one-word he said.

Paul and Kelly's fighting has gotten so bad that I'm no longer calling them gal pals. Nope. Now, they're Paul and Kelly, the soon-to-be-divorced couple. They won't stop arguing!

One last thing. I told Kelly of this marvelous idea I have for her and Bert's wedding. I said they should take their initials K and B and use the old grocery store symbol on all their crap they send out, as a sign of New Orleans history. Brilliant, I know.

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

So, our air conditioner system needs to be completely replaced. With vacation next week, we probably won't get it fixed for about 10 days. My mom: "I don't know what the fuck I'm going to do. They can put the whole fucking thing in on Tuesday, but that'll ruin my fucking day before I have to pack."

Mom explained the problem with the air system. "Fucking compressor is shot. It's really fucked. This is fucked."

Mom knew a question on Millionaire about the color worn by brides in India. "It's red! They wear a fucking red thing on their forehead."

ON THIS DATE IN GENE POOL HISTORY

2008: Tina and I moved the TV from her back room into the dining room for use of the Wii. The TV is still there. During the moving process, Tina got upset. "Oh my, God! What have I done. I am not happy with this. This is a fucking disaster."

MOVIE WEEK IN REVIEW

My Best Friend's Girl. 2008. A little outrageous but mostly entertaining. "Priest and a rabbi have a kid bent over. The priest says, 'Let's screw him.' The rabbi says, 'Out of what?' "

Burn After Reading. 2008. Loved this farce. Brad Pitt was incredibly entertaining.

Whatever Works. 2009. One of the 10 worst movies I've ever seen. Still getting the taste out of my mouth. Though the popcorn Wednesday night was good.

The Great White Hype. 1996. I don't think I've seen a boxing movie I didn't like.

Best of Times. 1986. Interesting concept for football movie. The game action, however, completely formula.

RANDOM THOUGHT OF EVERY SO OFTEN

At parties, bars and other such places and events, songs should not be played in their entirety. Even for the songs that aren't that long, it always seems like too much. The crowd always seems the most excited about a song when the first note hits.

As a rule, I think songs should be cut after the second chorus. More songs get played, and it eliminates the come-on, let's-move-it-alongness of the evening. There is one exception to this rule: Don't Stop Believin' should always be played in full.

PARTING SHOT
We're talking about boxer Arturo Gatti's wife strangling him to death.

Lopes: His wife beat him with a purse.
Me: It was the biggest purse of his career.
Bake: He's pursey-whipped.

BITE SIZE

On Wednesday night at the park, I only noticed two bite marks from the ants. They were both on my left foot right next to each other. Kelly, bless her heart, had Benadryl in her purse and let me put some on the bites.

There was no itching after that until Saturday afternoon. I found 11 bites. Here's the breakdown:

Left hand: 2 (close together on index finger)
Left leg: 5
Right leg: 4

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

Our air conditioner is on the fritz for the third time this summer. My mom: "It's not every other day. No. It's every fucking day. Jesus Christ."

Thirty minutes later. "It's not like it's once a week. It's every fucking day."

Two hours later. "This is not good. Ruins my whole fucking day."

The air conditioner man was scheduled to arrive from noon to 1 p.m. At 3:30 p.m., mom said: "Fucking ridiculous. Ruined my whole fucking day."

ON THIS DATE IN GENE POOL HISTORY

2008: Favre asked the Packers to release him so he could play for another team. That son of a bitch just won't go away. Also, I realized I had been driving without insurance (DWI) for the past three days.

PARTING SHOTS
I forgot what we were talking about.

Brick (about me): He remembers it fondly.
Liam: Did you just say he remembers a fondling?

We're talking about exploiting children.

Me: I'm going to live vicariously through my kids.
Sandy: Don't worry. Blowup dolls can't get pregnant.

SPORTS. HOW MAY I HELP YOU?

1) I watched the final three innings (the seventh and eighth courtesy of mlb.tv) of Jonathan Sanchez's no-hitter Friday night. That dude had some wicked stuff, especially his breaking ball. Two complaints.

a) ESPN only showed the final inning. Come on. You're showing other baseball highlights instead. Really? When the perfect game was broken in the eighth, Sanchez began pitching to the next batter. ESPN's ticker continued to say that the perfect game was still intact.

b) Calling Sanchez's effort a no-hitter is an absolute joke. No-hitters involve walks and hit batsmen. Not an error. Screw no-hitter. That was a fucking perfect game, man. We need a new term for this. How about super no-hitter. Or a CEPG. Close Enough Perfect Game. And Juan Uribe should be glad he's not in Colombia.

Sanchez faced 28 hitters, one more than the minimum for a perfect game. Actually, he did better than those 17 guys who threw a perfect game. They all got 27 of 27 out. Sanchez got 28 of 28 out. Sure, there was a guy on first after the error, but he lost points on his batting average.

2) The Tour de France is an absolute joke. How can double digit people finish with the same time? Try that shit and track and tell me how it works out. And how can people compete simultaneously as a team and as an individual? What is that?

3) My strategy to face Albert Pujols? Throw at his face. Let's see him try and hit that pitch.

4) JRap and I came up with a sequel to Who's on First? Abbott and Costello never mentioned anything about the batting order.

Who hits first?
Yes.
Well, go ahead and tell me.
Who hits first!
What-a-ya asking me for. I'm asking you. ...

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom is watching the Bold & the Beautiful. "What kind of fucking show uses fucking ... "

Mom's take on Burn After Reading: "And George Clooney was fucking everybody."

ON THIS DATE IN GENE POOL HISTORY

2008: I told the story of a hitchhiker I didn't let into my car in Baton Rouge. This guy, who thought he was in New Orleans, told me he had a job lined up in Memphis, he just needed some groceries in his belly and a ride.

PARTING SHOT
We're watching the Giants-Padres game on my computer and talking about the slammer.

Lopes: If I ever get to jail, (gesturing to his frame) I'm fucked.

THE DAILY TOP LIST
My favorite five duos of all-time.

5) Woodward and Bernstein.
I gave Lopes and Ramon that nickname once upon a time.

4) Stockton and Malone.
I wanted to be John Stockton when I was a kid. Broke my heart both times when they lost to the Bulls.

3) Samberg and JT.
Gave us Dick in a Box and Motherlover.

2) Riggs and Murtagh.
It's a shame we never got Lethal Weapon 5.

1) The Mega Powers.
The combination of Hulk Hogan and the Macho Man (who I actually like better) are what made me get into wrestling when I was 4.

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom can't believe something went wrong yet again. "It's not every other day. No. It's every fucking day."

Mom thinks I broke her newly acquired shredder. "You ruined my fucking blades." She punches me hard in the right arm. "You ruined my fucking blades." Another punch. (It's fine.)

PARTING SHOT

Last week, Amanda promised to send me the text with the details of next week's Yat-Together, which will be the first one I miss. 

Amanda: July Gathering is next wednesday at 6:30 at Santa Fe. Be there! Going to be best one yet!

Me: You bitch.

Amanda: We'll miss you soooo much. 

THE DAILY TOP LIST

My favorite five Samuel L. Jackson roles. 

5) Cmdr. Robby Jackson. Patriot Games. 1992.

Even on the second viewing, Tina thought he was turning on Jack Ryan in the battle scene at the house. 

4) Coach Carter. 2005.

Turned into Father Carter for those kids. 

3) Rev. Fred Sultan. The Great White Hype. 1996.

"I love you, my brother." 

2) Zeus Carver. Die Hard with a Vengeance. 1995.

"Look, all brothers don't know how to shoot guns, you racist motherfucker."

1) Jules Winnfield. Pulp Fiction. 1994.

"Check out the big brain on Brett."

PEOPLE DO HAVE PICNICS AT LAFRENIERE. 

Late Wednesday afternoon, I organized a waffle ball game at Lafreniere Park. It was the first real game we got going since Officer Vi kicked us out of the Peace Quad permanently some time in 2004. Our other participants were Little Joe, Jenna, Chuck, Lopes and gal pals Paul and Kelly. 

The first place we set up shop was going fine (no slop, nice dimensions) until a park ranger (or whatever they call them there) pulled up and told us all the main fields were off limits in order to allow the grass to grow after the rains came. It was like "no waffle ball in the Peace Quad" all over again. 

Why don't they put up a sign, I asked? Well, they had signs all over the place, just not in the corner of the fields where we were playing. Sue us. We moved our game (with Lopes, Kelly and me ahead 1-0) to a picnic area across the street from the fields. 

Did we stop playing because it got dark and no fielders could make a play on the ball? No. Did we stop because we got tired of playing? Hell to the no no. We stopped, dear friends, because I was attacked by ants. 

As I was about to strike out Chuck for a crucial out, I felt a bite on my left leg. Then another. Uh-oh. I ran into the street where there was light and discovered that ants were all over both of my cleats. I also killed no less than six on my hands. 

Once I took off my cleats and scraped all the remaining ants off my bare feet, the game was pretty much over. Son of bitch, Chuck, Joe, Jenna and Paul won 11-10. Man, I hate losing. We should have drafted Lucky (that's Joe and Jenna's dog) to play in our outfield. 

Two gems from Wednesday's festivities. 

1) With Chuck's team demolishing Kelly's pitching (just kidding, nobody got out on both teams for like 15 batters in a row), I took over. 

Chuck: Watch out. Here comes Gene. He's like (Cubs closer) Kevin Gregg. Wait. People score all the time on Kevin Gregg. 

Lopes (from the deep outfield): No one has scored on Gene in years!

2) Kelly and Paul (yes, they drove together) drive by Lopes slowly on his way to the parking lot. Kelly rolls down the window. 

Lopes (referencing Tina): 20 bucks for a blow job. 

Kelly: I'm better than $20. 

Paul: I doubt it. 

Also, I'd like to take this opportunity to apologize to the fine folks at Lafreniere for leaving my sweat and ant infested socks on the street in their beautiful park. My bad. 

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom still is pissed about the TV scheduling yesterday. "What does CBS think they are doing putting the Young & the Restless on at 10 a.m. and not telling anybody? Especially Cox. I bet they got a lot of fucking phone calls." 

Mom doesn't like me with facial hair. "It looks stupid. Why don't you just fucking shave it off?"

Mom is mad about the recent consistent rain. "When the fuck can you cut the grass when it's always wet?"  

Mom doesn't believe I have my priorities straight. "All you care about is that fucking computer."

PARTING SHOT

In poker, if a player has the best hand possible, that's referred to as "the nuts." The origin comes from the old west when players would bet their horse and wagon as a last resort and have to put the nuts of the wagon in the pot to ensure they wouldn't flee if defeated. It was assumed that nobody would bet the horse and wagon without the best hand possible. 

Last night at Harrah's, a player turned over his cards at the end of the hand and emphatically yelled, "Nuts!" He won the hand. 

Another player (matter-of-factly): The nuts. Michael Jackson's favorite hand. 

THE DAILY TOP LIST

The top five hits from Wednesday's waffle ball game. 

5) Leadoff homers. 

Lopes and Chuck each made out like Rickey Henderson and lead off the game for their teams with a solo (no shit, Sherlock) shot. 

4) Paul bomb.

Paul surprised Lopes with his power by lining a homer over his head. 

3) Chuck crushes. 

In his second at-bat, Chuck hit a dinger about 15 feet farther than his leadoff homer. I was playing deep, took off after it, and it still cleared my head by five feet or so. 

2) BG TFC. (Ballgame. Thanks for coming.)

With the score my team 10-7, Little Joe hit a grand slam, which turned out to be the winner when we quit as a result of ants. 

1) Grand slam. 

To leadoff an inning, I hit a ball really deep. Before we started playing on our second field, we decided that if anyone hit the tree way out in center field, it would be an automatic grand slam, even if no one was on base. I connected with the leaves for four runs in a two-strike count.