GIRL LOOKED AT HER FINGER A LOT

ENGAGEMENT BOIL

After Nicole finally said yes to my proposal on May 17, it was time to spread the word. I started with a Ron Burgundy news team call, but that didn't seem to work in real life. 

Kelly got out of the bushes -- not literally, though she was threatening to try and spy on the question popping -- and came over, tears steaming every which way down her face. Nicole went from worried about the details of preparing for the crawfish boil to announcing her pending nuptials to all her loved ones. 

Kelly: "You had about 10 minutes left to call me or I was coming over to see if that paper was still on the lawn."

We drove to her parents house, somehow forgetting the newspaper I had used to propose. Oops. 

Each of her grandmothers live on the opposite side of her parents, and both were downright giddy. It was even her paternal grandmother's birthday. Also that day was her parents' 35th anniversary. May 17th is quite the day in that family. 

There was a group text among aunts. One wanted to know if Nicole was pregnant. Another didn't believe it was really her hand in a photo Nicole sent. Her brother said "that's great" and rolled over and back to sleep. 

Every time Nicole broke the news, the joy in her voice was beautiful. And she kept saying, "We getting married!"

We returned home and did some of the things on her list to get ready for the boil. Her mother, aunts and grandmother stopped by the house to further celebrate. They read the paper I made and seemed to really enjoy it. Her aunts even yelled at Nicole when they read how she used to turn me down for a date. Ha. 

After some calls to friends, Kelly and Nicole disappeared into Nicole's room to make her even prettier for the party. Which they did. 

Bert did a superb job with the boil. I was stuffed from the first batch but found room for a little bit of the second one. 

My mom met Nicole's parents for the first time when dad drove her over to the boil. Mom was exhausted from the trip but was able to enjoy the afternoon. There was a champagne toast, and a shitton of goodies, from Oreo dip to cake to buttermilk drops. 

Nicole's mom drove Tina home, and the mothers got some bonding time in. Meanwhile, Joe and I won a rousing corn hole tournament. We declared ourselves River Ridge Regional champions. 

We got 246 Facebook likes -- which is the same number as my high bowling score -- on our engagement photo, mostly from people I didn't know. I have this social experiment where I count the "congrats" vs. "congratulations" in Facebook posts like this one. Congrats has won every time, but on average, it's 53 to 47 percent. 

For us, it was 45 congrats to 41 congratulations. At one point the full word was winning, and the score was tied at 39 until a late congrats push. 

The amazing day ended with some games and shit. 

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

While watching TV, I had to explain a glory hole to my mom. I ask her if she thinks it's erotic. "Until it's a fucking rat trap. That has to hurt. Boom!"

There was a mistake in mom's initial flood insurance bill. "Fucking flood insurance. What the fuck are they doing to us?"

Mom still has good days and bad days. Today she went out and had crawfish with me. Two days ago, she didn't have the strength to get out of bed. It's a process every day. 

She was in the kitchen twice last week. 

PENNY FOR YOUR BILL?

I canceled my cable May 5 as I'm hardly ever at my house using it anymore. And  the month I canceled it, the bill went up $27. Whoa. 

Over the phone, Cox gave me the amount I owed for the final month after I talked some of the bill additions down. I paid it the same day. 

A week later, I get another bill from Cox. For one cent. Yeah, one fudging penny. The bill said it was a tax. You know what you can do with that one-cent tax?

The customer service rep tells me on the phone that I have to pay the penny. 

"But I paid every bill to your company on time. I paid the final bill that you gave me in full. You can't just cancel out the penny?"

"Sorry sir. It says you owe that amount. Would you like to pay now with a credit card?"

"No."

A few days later, I drove to the Cox office -- it's directly on my way to work. A worker is helping me, and her face changes when the total I owe comes up on the screen. 

I put a penny on the counter. 

"I'm sorry you had to come in for this, sir."

She printed a receipt and apologized again. So, at least they ain't all dummies over there. 

 I STILL CAN'T FLY MY CAR, THOUGH

We recently switched from a system using a Mac to one with a PC. As you can guess, I don't like it. But I ain't here for a bitch session. 

One advantage is that I can work from home as I did Saturday while watching part of a Back to the Future marathon. 

 

WE GETTING MARRIED

DATE IS 99 PERCENT SET FOR 6/11/16

As I was on bended knee Sunday morning near the front door looking up at the love of my life, the whole world stopped. 

I had just shocked Nicole by proposing first thing in the morning. And I knew I would be shocking her. But I didn't expect the silence. 

After what seemed like an eternity of her staring at the paper and looking down at me, she finally spoke. But it wasn't the word I was anticipating. 

"Did you do this?"

Did I do this? You mean make a fake front newspaper page with the headline "Nicole, will you marry me?" across the top? Of course, I did. Who do you think did it? Cyrano de Bergerac?

But it was all she could muster in her state of shock. So I continued to stare up at her waiting for a real answer.

It was as if she had forgotten to agree to the marriage. Or thought she already had. 

Another eternity passed before I prompted her for a response. 

"Yes."

A week of anxiety and anticipation was over. I let out a big sigh and kissed my bride to be.   

Even though I knew she would say yes, I had constructed quite the blueprint and I couldn't wait for her to see it. 

The plan 

Nicole had said she didn't want anyone to see the proposal. So it had to be private. 

My options: 

-- Play a card game with her and deal the cards. Write "will you marry me" on the cards dealt to her. Probably on the four queens. 

-- Order a pizza. Pick it up. Before I come back in, put the opened ring box in the middle like that old ladder Pizza Hut used to use. Have her open the box. 

I decided on option 3. Make a replica front page of the Picayune. 

I made it with the help of one of our finest designers who agreed to dedicate some free time to the project. 

The paper's biggest day is Sunday, and Nicole had picked out a ban May 6 and said it was on sale until that Saturday the 9th. 

We had been to a few places before that and had talked about getting engaged, the future and the such for several months. 

So I decided then that I would propose the next Sunday, the 17th. I also decided I would put the fake paper in a bag with the real paper and leave it on her lawn. 

The execution

The designer, David Jack, and I went to work Monday the 11th. I sent him 12 pictures Nicole and I have taken over the past year. He turned them into a giant heart on the page right under the big headline. 

Inside the heart I composed a 12-line aabb love poem that will just melt your heart. Take notes, Shakespeare. 

To the side of that, I wrote a short story about the process I went through to make the page happen. I quoted sources saying we were about to get engaged, you know like they do in the real paper. 

At the bottom, I wrote a 500-word summary of our relationship history, covering our not-so-storybook romance. 

Above the name of the paper, we put a picture of crawfish and a headline that said "newly engaged couple celebrates with crawfish boil."

For weeks before I decided to propose, we had organized a small boil with some close friends. Fuck, I said to myself, let's make it an impromptu engagement party. 

The rest of the week

After the paper was done Monday, I had six days to wait to give it to her. I was busy the rest of the week, but the nerves still were gnawing at me the whole time. 

Actually the paper wasn't done quite yet. Every day, I reread the page and changed like five things. There's like five drafts. 

On May 7th, I went to buy the band Nicole had picked out and got that and the diamond. Boom!

Between the 7th and 17th Nicole and I had countless discussions about possibly getting a ring soon. I had to choose my words carefully to not give anything away. 

On Tuesday the 12th, I picked up the ring, paid for it and stashed it at my mom's house. On Wednesday, I got a haircut for the occasion. On Thursday, I went to her parents house to ask for her hand. 

They were very happy and her dad got choked-up. "Glad to have you in the family." Awwww. 

The last few days took forever. Time ticked sooooooo slowly. 

After work Saturday, I waited for the paper to print and grabbed one right off the presses. I swung by mom's house and scooped up the ring. I left my paper and the real one on Nicole's doorstep. 

The proposal 

I slept at Nicole's on Saturday night, a ball of nerves. She made me worry a little more as she ran through a list of everything we had to do in the morning to get ready for the crawfish boil. 

Ha, I thought. She has no idea. Also I knew she would wake up early, and we would be engaged before I knew it. 

We awoke around 8 a.m. Sunday morning. As she was getting ready to get out the bed, she listed the first few things she was about to do to prepare for the party. I knew I had to get her mind off of that and to the front door. 

"Oh, shit."

"What?"

"I think I messed up a headline in my section."

"Nobody else checks that shit?"

"No. Just me. And I had the delivery guy throw a paper here so I could check. I'm worried. Can you look for me? I can't stand to see it if it's wrong."

"Ok, I'll go check."

When she left the room, I snatched the ring from my hiding place and followed her to the front door. She picked up the bag and questioned why the paper looked different. I said just open it. 

As she flipped the paper around and finally started to realize that it was going down for real, I popped open the box and got to one knee. 

Next week I'll write about the aftermath and the boil. And some other stuff. 

Here's the newly engaged couple. 

I WANNA FLY AWAY. YEAH.

HEY, BRO. DO YOU EVEN FEST? SAW THAT ON A T-SHIRT. 

Even though I've lived here all my life and have a fondness for the music, I somehow had never been to Jazz Fest. 

In my 20s I worked almost every day of the festival. Lately, I've been off on Sundays, but it's hard for me to shell -- see what I did there? -- out $60 unless there's someone I really want to see, someone that's one of my favorites. Not just "oh, hey I like them." 

This year that all came together as I was off this past Sunday and Lenny Kravitz was playing. A Lenny concert from 1999 is still my favorite concert I've ever attended, when Paul and I went to see headliner Smash Mouth but came away from it only talking about Lenny's amazing set. 

We saw him again in 2002 when we got lost in the city, a story I recounted at Paul's rehearsal dinner last year, with the highlight being a drunk doctor telling us "you're gonna get shot."

So I popped my Jazz Fest cherry, with Nicole leading the way, as I had no idea where I was going or what to do. 

The crowd was large but not overbearing, and even though we sat a mile away, I still enjoyed Lenny once again. Granted, he got to Jazz Festy with two of his songs that lasted way too long and he only played nine songs in 80 minutes. 

The dude is still magic on the stage, though. The beginning and end of the set were awesome, and I danced, sang and grooved right along with him. 

Would I go back? I can see going back once a year but certainly not more than that. It's exhausting and expensive. And if there isn't someone I love, it'll feel like a big waste of money. 

What I liked about the Fest: 

-- The Meters. They played before Lenny, and I very muched enjoyed their set. My favorite song was "Be My Lady." Good jam. 

-- Catfish almondine. Also ate crawfish Monica, stuffed crab and a pound of boiled crawfish. All good. 

-- Nicole. A nice day out in the city with my lady. 

-- Got exercise. It wasn't too hot. Nothing to complain about with the atmosphere. 

Things I didn't like:

-- Expense. When you add up the ticket (even the discounted one I got from Joe and Jenna), the shuttle ride and all the food, it was a costly day. Just wouldn't do it like more than once in a weekend. 

-- Crawfish bread. Did. Not. Like. It. At. All. Brought the rest to mom figuring it was just me not liking something, even though it's cheese, crawfish and bread. Mom tried it and immediately spat it out. "That's nasty."

Quote of the day: As I was venturing out for food at Jazz Fest, a dude walks up to me and just says this before walking off:

"How do u know I'm a lazy motherfucker? Cuz I have a free pass to a tent with a bathroom, but it's too far. So I'm using this port a potty. That's how you know I'm one lazy motherfucker."

I'M PROUD OF MYSELF

My lawnmower wouldn't start, and I determined it was the spark plug after changing the oil and gas and cleaning out the filter. I got a new spark plug and a spark plug wrench. I changed out the spark plug, and it started right up. 

I know that doesn't sound like much, but I didn't think I could do that by myself. 

I also fixed my mom's breathing machine when it turned off -- though that was only temporary and we had to get a new one -- and parallel parked for the first time. 

So just really a banner week. 

But then Monday morning I brought the trash can from the street back to the side of the house, only to literally watch the garbage man pass an hour later.

Yup, I'm still a moron.