CHAPTER V. THE QUESTION ON HER MIND.

Previously on High School Girlfriend: Regina got out of the mental hospital. Paul and Minkus fought over who could date her next. I stopped the bickering by getting back together with her in a romantic conversation in which we revealed our deep, passionate love for each other. That was Monday night, February 11, 2002.

And action.

I was like Kevin Garnett after the NBA Finals some six years later. TOP OF THE WORLD! I really felt good about my decision to get back together with Regina. It felt right. And that had nothing to do with Paul and Minkus. They just steered me in the right direction.

I had two current, popular songs in my head for the next few days. Default's "Wasted My Time" because I had wasted my time by not being with Regina. And Creed's "My Sacrifice," which starts with, "Hello my friend, we meet again." I kept singing these songs and thinking about Regina. She was right. My love was growing stronger.

I don't think I saw her during the week. We did talk every night. My focus was on that Saturday's quarterfinals match against Brother Martin. Both teams were way better than the team the winner would get in the semifinals. So, we were basically playing for the right to play Jesuit for the state championship. My teammates and I had been waiting all of our high school careers for this opportunity.

If you know your history or have read my daily top list enough, you know that the game did not quite go our way. In fact, it was a 3-0 slaughter. Hell, our coach didn't even show up. We didn't play that poorly, though. The Saders just got a few breaks and took advantage of them. When the final whistle blew, I collapsed to my knees, fell to the ground, pulled my jersey over my head and let the tears pour out. You did the same when your high school career was over, right Marcus? Hug?

You know who was there to comfort me after that? Regina. She gave me a big hug and let me cry some more on her shoulder. (Yes, I was wearing my Mickey Mouse soccer jersey.) One part of my life was over, but this great new part was blossoming. A big group of us went out to dinner that night. Regina and I, however, ducked out early and skipped whatever they were doing next to be alone.

Her parents were out of town. We went into her mom's bedroom. We take off each other's clothes. Let's pause for a second. When we bolted the dinner, I thought we were going to spend some quality time alone, making out and just being with each other. She figured, I guess, that this would be the best time to hit a home run.

Before I could express any concerns, we were naked on her mom's bed. Admittedly, I let it get out of hand. She had no intention of stopping and didn't think I did either. But just before she (How do I say this delicately?) pounced, I told her I still wasn't ready. Regina: "Please. Just this one time. I love you so much. I promise, I'll make it up to you."

You would think my strong aversion would put an end to the sex thing until I said differently. But no. This scene took place at least two more times in the following weeks. I would keep letting it happen (stripping, touching, you know) and cutting it off at the point of no return. Regina, as expected, would be disappointed and beg for it.

Amazingly, this did nothing to hurt our relationship at the time. We were the best couple this side of the hot lunch line in the cafeteria. She came to visit me at the end of school on Tuesday the week after the first time we almost did it, and my eyes just lit up. It was like no one else in the world existed. Except for Paul, of course. On Wednesday, I went to her house after school and stayed through dinner. But Thursday. Well, Thursday changed everything.

I'm at her house again, and we're talking in her room. This conversation you're about to read starts with her taking out a piece of paper. She says the first line matter-of-factly.

Regina: So when we get married, I want these songs to be used and these verses to be the readings. Do you like them?
Me: Um. What?
Regina: Do you like these songs and verses for our wedding?
Me: Wedding? What wedding?
Regina: Ours, silly goose.
Me: We're getting married?
Regina: Yeah. I figure either this summer or next. I prefer this summer, though.
Me (sweating more than Phil after eating AGG's salsa): OK. I uh ...
Regina: What's wrong, hunny? You do want to marry me, don't you?
Me: Oh yeah. Sure. I just didn't have it in my immediate plans. I was thinking more like in a few years?
Regina (starting to freak out): I can't wait that long. You either want to marry me or you don't. There's no need to wait years. We're meant to be together. That's all there is to it.
Me: Yes, we are. So you think we can make it as a couple if we get married this summer?
Regina: Yup.
Me: What do we do about where to live?
Regina: We live here. It's paid for. I've already talked about it with my mom. She will move out and live with Bear (that's her second husband) around the corner.
Me: What do we do about money?
Regina: I have $95,000 in the bank. Plus, my college will be paid for (explantion for that in like chapter 7). I can pay for your college. We'll take it from there.
Me (scared to make a serious disagreement): Looks like you got it all figured out.
Regina: Of course, I do, hunny. Then, it's settled?
Me: Looks like it. We won't be poor. We love each other.
Regina: Goodie. Now, as I was saying, Do you like these songs and verses?

On Saturday, February 23, 2002, Chapelle had what they call a Sweethart Dance. Just another excuse for girls to get dressed up and have a get-together. Attending this extravaganza was Rummel and Chapelle's most recently engaged couple: Regina and me. There wasn't an official asking of the question and a ring or anything, but I think she figured I would do that sometime in the Spring to get ready for the big Summer wedding.

As you might imagine, I didn't go around shouting this news from the rooftops. I was pretty sure I wasn't going to be getting married in the summer. I just said that to Regina to avoid a confrontation. Everything was going so well.
Still, I knew that conversation would come eventually. But who knows? Maybe I'd be so in love by the summer, I'd go through with it. After all, she had $95,000 and a paid for two-story house in Chateau Estates. Mr. Altobello did tell me to marry money, right? Here was a golden opportunity.

The plan was for her to come to my house and chat for a bit. Have Tina take some pictures she could hang around the house. Then, one of her friends was going to pick us up in a car that included Minkus and an Asian chick. (It was his first Asian!) Tina was more than excited to take pictures of us all dressed up. About 10 minutes before we were to be picked up, I noticed Regina giving me the urging eye. She was relentless with that thing.

I held out for as long as I could. Regina was about to do it herself. Which I figured would turn out bad. Not that me telling the big news ended well. Me: "Mom, I have something to tell you."

Mom: What is it? You need some money for dinner?
Me: No. It's her dance, mom. She's supposed to pay.
Mom: Then what?
Me: Um, Regina and I are going to get married in the summer.
Mom: The fuck you are.
Me (looking at Regina's reassuring smile): No, Mom. We love each other.
Mom: I don't give a fuck. You ain't getting married. It won't fucking last.
Me (starting to walk out the door to get picked up): Well, we are. And it will.

Mom didn't take too kindly to the announcement. She told Regina to leave. Regina tried to stay her ground next to her man. But mom turned into a rabid wolverine. Mom escorted Regina to her car and slammed the door in her face. I tried to reason with mom and get her to calm down in the middle of the yard for all the neighborhood to see.

Me: Don't you think you're overreacting? Can't we talk about this later?
Mom: Give me your fucking keys. (She grabs them from me and hustles to the front door.)
Me: What are you doing?
Mom: (in the house and holding the door): Are you crazy? What the fuck are you thinking, son? You want to get married at 18 fucking years old. Go ahead. But it won't be with my permission. And it won't be under my fucking roof. You can have these keys back when you tell me you won't get married to that bitch!

With that, mom slammed the door with all our mite. (While that conversation with my mom happened, Regina just sat in the car crying. What else could she do?) I could then hear the lock turning. I was officially kicked out of my house. I had no car and no home.

TO BE CONTINUED. ...

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

I have a dentist appointment Tuesday. Our dentist has been in a temporary office (on the fourth floor of a bank) since Katrina. I ask mom if they're going to be in their new building soon. "They can't wait to get out of that fucking office. Having to share all that bullshit."

I'm starting to wake up. Mom yells from the living room. "Your phone is fucking making noise again." (It was a voicemail.)

Mom went to get a new phone today but didn't buy one because it was too expensive. She tried to get the same one as me. "Your fucking phone costs $139." (She couldn't get it for free because she doesn't have a contract. She doesn't have a contract because she buys prepaid minutes.)

Mom's phone starts making the noise signaling low batter. "What the fuck is going on? I charged it a few days ago."

I got an invitation in the mail to Christina's engagement party for Nov. 23. Coincidentally, I requested off for that day a few days ago. I ask mom if I need to bring a present. "When you get engaged, you have fucking everything. Engagement party, reception, rehearsals, showers."

THE GENE POOL DIP (I MEAN TIP) OF THE WEEK

The Hornets are the real deal. I can feel a title in my bones. So jump on board and and come on this championship journey with me. Throw as much effort as you can spare into supporting the Hornets. You won't be disappointed. If you need any more Kool-Aid at any point in the season, I got a full supply.

The main reason for all this: Chris Paul. Everybody loves him. Including me. I think he has a certain charm. You see him play. You see him smile. You love him. It reminds me of how I felt about Mary Tyler Moore when I was younger. She would walk into a scene on The Dick Van Dyke Show, and I'd fall in love all over again. So, I thought it only fitting if I wrote a little diddy about CP3. Here it goes.

Who can turn the League on with his smile? (world instead of league)
Who can take a deficit, and suddenly make it a win in style? (nothing day, all seem worthwhile)
Well, it's you Chris, and you should know it (girl instead of Chris)
With each assist and every penetration you show it (glance and every little movement)

Fans will pack The Nest, no need to doubt it (Love is all around, no need to waste it)
You can have this town, a trophy, cinch it (a town, why don't you take it?)
You're gonna clinch it after all (2x) (make it after all)

How will you bring the title here? (make it on your own?)
This League is awfully good, (This world is awfully big,)
But Chris you just have to steer (Girl this time you're all alone)
Because your helpers are a ton (But it's time you started living)
West, MoPete, Pose, Peja, JuJu and Tyson (It's time you let someone else do some giving)

Fans will pack The Nest, no need to doubt it
You can have this town, a trophy, cinch it
You're gonna clinch it after all (2x)

(Chris throws a basketball into the air on Girod Street.)

PARTING SHOT
D is reading a prep story. He doesn't like the way the writer phrased something.

D: This guy was streaking down the sideline.
Liam: Well, it is Halloween.

THE DAILY TOP LIST
My top five moments in October.

5) Celebration of the 100th blog in a row.
I did everything short of buying myself a cake.

4) Playing poker next to Shannon Elizabeth.
Jelly informs me that taking pictures in the casino is not allowed. Oh well.

3) Saints games.
I went to the Oakland game and sat in the 17th row in the lower level. Awesome. We had a Saints party for the Vikings game at the T-P. Here's to another one this month vs. Green Bay.

2) Birthday month.
I lost count of the times I had to say, "Happy Birthday." At Paul's party, I met Michelle. Doesn't look like that will last much longer. At Jenna's party, we lived the Sandlot in real life. Don't think they ever got that football back from Hercules. Since he was sick and didn't show up for work today, Happy Birthday, Lopes.

1) Talking to the Nature Boy.
Think he'll remember me if I run into him at WrestleMania in April?

IT'S YOU AND ME, BABY. HEAD GAMES.

I don't have much to say today. I've had a pounding headache since midway through my shift Wednesday. For the first time since I don't know when, I came home and didn't watch TV. That's how bad the my head was hurting. I took an Aleve (which I think got laughed at by the headache when it showed up to kill it) and went straight to bed. 

I felt a little woozy at work Thursday, though I don't think I'm getting sick again. I should have gone straight to bed when I got home again, but I had to finish this entry and watch the end of the Hornets game. Both of my teams are 2-0, baby. (Though the Wasps have three guys with hurt ankles. Is this Saints syndrome? I certainly hope not.)

My theory for the headache is that I've been watching too much TV and staring at a computer screen for too long. That sure as hell won't stop happening. Do they make a pill for that? 

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

I'm talking to my mom Thursday afternoon. "That fucking Macy's opened up the other day. ... I don't even remember the last time I went to a fucking mall."

Mom tried to DVR the Obama commercial. She also taped New Adventures of Old Christine (she just calls it Christine) right after that on CBS. Neither showed up on our DVR list. "What the fuck is going on?" (As long as House keeps showing up, I'll be OK.)

I'm not sure how she knew this, but mom just randomly says to me as we're watching House. "Your fucking phone is dead."

Our faucet has been leaking for about two weeks now. A couple of days ago, we had this convo.

Mom: "I can't take it anymore."

Me: "Take what?"

Mom: "The fucking drip. It's fucking irritating."

Then, today she said this about the drip: "If it ain't one thing around here, it's a-fucking-nother. I'm sick of everything fucking breaking around here."

THE DIFFERENCE IS CLEAR

I was talking to D the other day, and he was talking about a correction he made. I see the mistake and say to him, "That's the same difference." He tells me he doesn't like that phrase I just used. I pause for a second and agree. 

Same difference. That doesn't make any sense. Yet I find myself saying it like once a week. Who decided that "same thing" should be changed to "same difference?" Did somebody learn about oxymorons one day and decide he wanted to make one up himself?  

This talk of difference reminds me. When a quarterback, let's say Drew Brees, is finding all his receivers, tight ends and running backs, the announcer says: "Brees has completed passes to 10 different receivers." Ten different receivers? Really? He didn't complete passes to 10 of the same receivers? Those idiots make it worse by always putting the emphasis on different to stress the impressiveness of the stat. In the end, though, I guess it's the same difference.

PARTING SHOTS

Gamby explains to Marcus that he's not afraid to go to certain places because all crime is black-on-black crime.

Marcus: "OK. We gonna take you to the projects at night and drop you off. Then, we'll see if crime is only black on black."

Marcus, D and some others are discussing high school football running schemes. D shares his philosophy on how to play the game.

D: "You run up to the fullback and try to break his fucking neck."

Retro quote: October 30, 2004

Ann is trying to get some studying done so she can go to a Halloween party.

Ann: "Man, I'm not looking forward to that test. And somewhere in the middle, I have to be a Jedi."

THE DAILY TOP LIST

The top five costumes I would go as this year if I did such crazy things as wear Halloween costumes. 

5) Dwight K. Schrute. 

Just follow the way Jim did it. It only cost him $11.

4) Vincent LaGuardia Gambini.

Better known as My Cousin Vinny. Throw some gel in my hair. Borrow a leather jacket. Curse a lot. 

3) Joe the Plumber. 

Topical. Show some crack and walk around with a plunger. OK. Maybe just the plunger thing.

2) Freddy Krueger.

Color in a long red shirt with some green stripes. Get a glove with knifes on it. Kill all the children on Elm Street. Which is just a few blocks over from Tina's pad. 

1) Indiana Jones.

Fedora. Whip. Long hooking scar across my body. Kill any Nazis I see.

PHILADELPHIA FREEDOM

I would like to take this time and space to do a little gloating. Come on. You have to let me. I tell you about the times when I'm a complete idiot. I also get to tell you when I'm a certified genius. You can't spell genius without most of my name, right?

Back in April, I picked the Phillies to win the National League in the newspaper. You can go back and look it up. Now, you might not be too impressed with that. After all, the Phillies were good last year and won their division. Big whoop. Well, there were four other teams with better odds to win the World Series than Philly at the start of the season: Diamondbacks (who I picked to miss the playoffs), Cubs (choking dogs), the Mets (who I also picked not to make the playoffs) and the Dodgers (and that's not even with Manny).

When the playoffs started, I picked the Phillies to win the World Series. It might seem like an easy pick now that they've won it, but the Phils were not the consensus pick. Many people thought it was the Cubs' year. Or that Manny would lift the Dodgers. Or the Angels just had too much talent for anyone to handle. Or the Red Sox would defend their title. Then, people thought of the Phillies and the Rays as the next best teams in the playoffs.

So the Phillies had the fifth best odds in the NL to win the Series at the start of the season (and 11th best overall). Then, they were the fifth most likely of eight teams in the playoffs to win. Yet I stuck with those boys. When the World Serious (that's what my dad calls it) started, I, of course, stuck with the Phillies. I also predicted right here on The Gene Pool that they would defeat the Rays in five games. Damn, I am a genius. Crown my ass.

I'd like to give a special thanks now to all the Phillies for making me look so damn good. Jimmy Rollins for getting on base and causing havoc, Chase Utley for those sweet home run swings, Ryan Howard for that brilliant rhyming ode to the Subway sandwich, Shane Victorino for having the coolest nickname in the playoffs (The Flying Hawaiian) and Cole Hamels and Brad Lidge for holding down those hot Rays bats. I owe you guys.

Seriously though, all these dead-on baseball predictions means one of two things. 1) I'm that damn good and will continue to be. In which case, I'll pick the Cubs next year. or 2) I'm out of good picks and won't be right on a prediction again for at least five years. In which case, your 2009 World Series Champs: anyone but the Cubs.

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom gets back from her dentist appointment, and I ask her how it went. "Pretty good." Then, a minute later. "My fucking teeth are falling out at the top."

Mom wants to get a new phone. She tries to check her minutes to see how many she has left on the current one. It won't give her the information. "I can't get my fucking minutes."

Mom tells me to check underneath my car for blades and knifes. She found two of them in the driveway earlier, probably courtesy of the people next door. "You see this. It was in our driveway. A fucking blade."

FOUR CORNERS
Some random stuff from my life.

-- Sandy tells me she's spreading Tina's concept of dick day. Her friend couldn't figure out why her husband decided not to go to work one day. Sandy told her it must have been dick day. Her friend was confused. Sandy sent her a link to the dick day blog, and she thought it was hysterical. Thanks for spreading the word, Sandy. I think dick day could become a common phrase if we all bond together. For example:

Person 1: Where is Tom? He was supposed to be here by now.
Person 2: Must be dick day.

-- I finished Ric Flair's book. Wooooo! Now on to the three-disc DVD. I'm also mailing him a copy of the Hornets special section. Hopefully, he writes me back.

-- I haven't had a mouse pad at the station I started working at in May. That changed last week when Kelly bought me a Dwight Schrute mouse pad for a buck at Target. What a gal. It has helped a lot. I feel that I've become as efficient a worker as Dwight.

-- JRap pointed out to me that my main item from last Tuesday's blog made me look like a slacker who just sits in front of the TV and doesn't move. That is only partially true. Most of the time, I am multi-tasking. I'm not just watching a show. I'm also eating or paying bills or doing stuff online or writing the blog or watching with friends or reading the paper or getting dressed for work or falling asleep or waking up or sometimes even watching two shows at once.

STAT OF THE WEEK. SOURCE: ME

I was looking at the standings today and noticed the Saints are the only .500 team in the National Football League. I thought that was interesting until I realized only eight teams have played an even number of games.

I went over the standings again to see how many teams are 3-4 or 4-3 and then looked at this week's schedule. If every game falls into place this weekend, we will be looking at 14 teams at .500 (4-4). That's half of the teams in the league. (Note: The four teams on bye next week will have played nine games after this week.) Parity, baby.

I guess that proves one other thing as well. The Saints are mediocre.

PARTING SHOTS
There is talk of worker #1 coming up with a World Series headline.

Worker #1: I was told not to be too cute anymore.
Worker #2: You don't have to worry about that.
Worker #3 (almost at the same time): That's never been a problem for you.

Retro quote: October 29, 2004
I'm explaining to Kelly Wheelahan that I got a concussion playing flag football at Loyola.

Kelly: "A concussion during flag football? That's not even tackle is it? What did you do, trip on a flag?

THE DAILY TOP LIST
The top five things that I don't spend money on that a lot of people do. There are some things I left off this list for legal reasons. I don't want to end up in jail or anything.

5) House phone.
Tina cancelled that a few years ago. We don't miss not getting calls from telemarketers and the such. If you want to call me, hit the cell.

4) Stuff in the T-P cafeteria.
I get popcorn for free. Water for free. And Skittles for five cents. That's basically free. I use Liam's nickels half the time anyway.

3) Movies.
When I was in seventh and eighth grade, I had this friend Brandon. His sister was a manager at the Palace. I got free tickets. Paul started working at the Palace in senior year of high school. I've been using him since.

2) Haircut.
My mom decided to start shaving my head when I was 10 because she figured she could do it herself. We're on our third shaver. But I haven't paid for a haircut in 15 years.

1) The Internet.
That should be free anyway.

THE YEAR OF THE CHAMPIONSHIPS?

My favorite sport is basketball. No question. It was my first love growing up. My dad got me a little Larry Bird goal when I was 2. He taught me how to shoot when I was like 4. When I watched The Pistol, I tried to go to sleep with a basketball in the bed. Mom wasn't a big fan of that one.  

Somewhere in our video tape collection (though I might have erased it), mom asks me what I want to do when I grow up. I was 8 at the time. I say: "I want to be a basketball player." In my day, my game was similar to James Posey. Defense. Hustle. Knock down 3s. 

My excitement level for a new season is at an all-time high this season. Normally, I'm way more excited about college basketball. But this year, I'd say I'm equally excited about college and pro. That's saying something considering I believe the Tar Heels have a legitimate shot to go undefeated.  1) My pro teams (Hornets, Rockets) are two of seven teams with a chance to win the title. 2) I have tickets to 10 Hornets games already. 3) Last year's NBA season was awesome. Scratch that. It was where amazing happened. 

I had lunch with my dad today, and we spent more than half the conversation talking about the upcoming season. Here's my predictions.

1) I don't think the Blazers will be as good as everybody thinks. They have a lot of talent, but they won't make quite the leap that everyone is expecting. Hell, let's be bold. The Blazers won't make the playoffs.

2) I don't have Dallas dropping off like others do. I say the Mavs win 50 games again. 

3) The Celtics won't repeat. I'll say one of the Big 3 breaks down. Though, they can still win without Ray Allen. Did you see Leon Powe and Tony Allen on opening night? 

4) The Cavs will win the East. I'm picking LeBron's team to win conference every year until he's out of his prime. Remember, Cleveland gave Boston all it could handle in last year's playoffs. The Cavs could easily have won Game 1 or Game 7. 

5) I can't pick the West. It comes down to the Lakers, Spurs, Hornets and Rockets. I want to pick one of the latter, but I'm not sure if that's just with my heart. OK. Fine. I'll pick. Hornets.

Hornets questions: 1) Can Mike James fulfill the backup point guard spot and score points to make up for Pargo's departure? 2) Can the Wasps (I call them that because hornets are wasps, not bees) get anything out of their backup big men? 3) Is Posey a big enough difference-maker? 4) Can CP3, Mr. West and Tyson get even better together? 5) Can they make shots when it matters? (They were ice cold in Game 7 against the Spurs.)

Rockets questions: 1) Can they stay healthy? 2) Will lack of size on the bench cost them? 3) Can they stay healthy? 4) Can they mix and match the right lineups with Artest, Scola, Battier and T-Mac and finally get out the first round? 5) Can they stay healthy? 

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

Mom turns on the heat in the house for the first time this season. It doesn't turn on. "Motherfuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck." A few minutes later. "If it ain't one thing, it's a fucking nother around here." (Don't worry. It came on about two minutes later.)

For the first time in a month, on Demand isn't working on either of our TVs. "It won't let me fucking through Demand. Now, I got to get back on the fucking phone."

Mom tells me that my car insurance should go down significantly on my next bill. "It went up last time because they found out (safety details) about the fucking car."

Mom is watching Season 6 of 24. President Wayne Palmer realizes Jack was right. "Of course, he's right. It's only been seven fucking years. He's always right, asshole."

Mom is telling me about the cost of Sarah Palin's wardrobe. I then curse myself multiple times for not putting that in the Did You Know? yesterday. Did you know that Palin's wardrobe is really, really expensive? Mom is upset by my use of the "f" word. "What are you fucking about? Fuck. You want to hear some fucking? My fucking teeth are falling out. Another fucking piece came out this morning. I can't even last until my next appointment." 

CBS was all reruns Monday. "The CSI was from two years ago. Fucking TV these days." She then scrolls down the guide on the TV. "What the fuck is this?"

Mom brings in the mail. She looks at a political ad. "Who the fuck is this?" 

FANTASY FEVER

The losing streaks are over. Both of my fantasy teams were winners last week. Thanks for all the folks out there who had a rally cap on for me. I couldn't take any more losses in a row.

The Gene Poolers (5-3) not only won, but I took over the overall points lead. Even though Allen is 7-1, I have 43 more points than him. The league average is 97.7. Last week, I scored 158. My three receivers (Jennings, Santana Moos and White) combined for 323 yards and five touchdowns. In the auction draft, I basically got all these guys without a fight. Suckers.

The Dos Agateers (3-5) got a big game from a returning Brian Westbrook. That's one win. If we win this week, that would be two. The week after that three in a row. That's called a winning streak. It has happened before.

PARTING SHOTS

My dad tells me a conversation that took place at the paper station.

Dad: "This dealer is talking about how Wembley Stadium is used to hosting football because that's what they call soccer over there. He then says that the stadium also hosts the biggest tennis event of the year."

Me: "You mean he thought Wimbledon was at Wembley?"

Dad: "Yeah. I didn't want to say anything to him to embarrass him." 

Retro quote: October 28, 2004 

An Internet site is beginning to take over the world.

Someone (I think it was Gillie): "Chuck, did you join facebook.com yet?"

Chuck: "No. I'm not a joiner."

Someone else: "Aren't you in a fraternity?"

THE DAILY TOP LIST 

Many times when I first hear a song, I will mess up the words. Sometimes, I don't find out I'm wrong for some time. So at Jelly's request, the top five songs for which I sang the wrong lyrics.

5) All the Small Things. Blink 182.

Actual lyric: Always I know, you'll be at my show. Watching. Waiting. Commiserating. 

What I used to sing: Watching. Waiting. Come as a rating. 

How I found out: I asked someone why Blink would care about ratings at a live show. Aren't those for TV, I asked. The person explained what commiserating meant. 

4) Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap. ACDC

Actual lyric: Dirty deeds. Done dirt cheap.

What I used to sing: Dirty deeds. Dip da chip. 

How I found out: When I downloaded the song and saw the title. 

3) Mambo No. 5. Lou Bega.

Actual lyric: A little bit of Monica in my life.

What I used to sing: A little bit of Mardi Gras in my life.

How I found out: I got into an argument about Monica vs. Mardi Gras. We looked it up, and I lost. But I know I wasn't the only one who thought this at first. It still sounds like Mardi Gras. I mean. Umm. I haven't heard that song in like forever. 

2) Jet Airliner. Steve Miller Band.

Actual lyric: Big ol' jet airliner.

What I used to sing: We gonna jell at a lighthouse.

How I found out: When I uploaded the greatest hits album onto my computer, I thought to myself: What is this song called Jet Airliner? I played it. Then it clicked in my head. 

1) We Are the Champions. Queen.

Actual lyric: I've taken my bows. And my curtain calls. ... But it's been no bed of roses. No pleasure cruise.

What I used to sing: I've taken my bows. And my cans of corn. ... But it's been no bed of roses. No pleasure cruel.

How I found out: One day I'm singing it, and I finally realize that what I'm saying doesn't make any sense. I look up the lyrics. 

YOU GOT SOME SPLAININ TO DO

On Saturday night, Paul and I went to the Warehouse District to meet Kelly and some of her peeps. They went to a wedding for two people I don't know, and now they were letting the good times roll.

We had one big problem, though. We couldn't find anywhere to park. Paul drove around the streets down there for like 20 minutes with no luck. Finally, I said: "Let's just park at the casino." He took my advice, and we parked for free using my poker room trick. Then, we walked to Tchoupitoulas. 

Ten minutes later, we arrived at our destination: Lucy's. I had never been to Lucy's, but I'm pretty sure I have heard of it. And look at those other locations. There's even one on Mars. The rest of the wedding party went to Red Eye, so it was just one table full of drunks at Lucy's. 

Meet John Howell III. I don't really no if he shares his name with his father and grandfather, but I had Thurston Howell III from Gilligan's Island in my head when I heard his name. So, for the rest of the night and since, Paul and I have referred to him as John Howell III. 

Though Paul wanted to call him something a lot worse when he watched him put the moves on Bridgette (one of Kelly's friends Paul always seems to try to get with on New Year's Eve. Whole other story).

The pink object John Howell III is holding in the picture is a digital camera. Someone asked him why he has a pink digital camera, and he explained. I got this shot at the outset of the story. He starts off, "So, I was at Tuck's." 

Paul and I interrupt and ask at the same time: "Did this have anything to do with two bouncers?" (Because three separate people have told me about three separate girls who have had threesomes with two bouncers from Tuck's.) He says no and continues.

J.H. III: "So, I'm at Tuck's a couple of months ago, and this black guy comes up to me. (He pauses.) OK. This black guy. (He then realizes he said that too loud and looks around. He lucks out and continues.) And he asks me if I want to buy a digital camera. I didn't have one, so I look at it. Everything seemed to work. He wanted $100, and I said I only have $20. He took it. The only problem was that he stole it. Turns out, he stole it from a girl that used to date a friend of mine. I saw her at Voodoo today and thought about giving it back. But then I decided, 'Fuck it. I'm keeping it.' " 

This is Kelly's best friend, Nicole. Like a typical girl, she likes to take pictures. But she was going overboard Saturday night. I'm surprised her memory card didn't run out. Kelly also got mad that I hugged her first. 

Then later, I look at a picture of Kelly on Nicole's camera that was just taken. Kelly had a weird look on her face. I say: "Damn, Kelly. You look like the bad guy from Saw." She didn't appreciate the joke (she loves those movies; I don't see why she didn't laugh) and pushes me off the bench and onto the floor. Which wouldn't have been noteworthy except that it was the second time that night she had done that. At least she didn't play a Saw-like game of life or death with me.

This Saints' schedule was on a stand in the empty hallway leading to the restrooms. They have blanks in between the day of the week and the date for the scores. However, the blanks at Lucy's were still blanks. They have specials for Saints' games, but they haven't filled in the scores from the season? That's just sad. I couldn't stand for that. So I filled in the scores. You're welcome, Lucy's. Even though I put the 49ers score as 10 instead of 17. Sue me.

Can you identify the other missing part of this schedule? (Jeopardy! music plays.) Time's up. Look at the game after the first Panthers game. The schedule only has 15 games and is missing the Chargers game. Ironic that I saw this the day before that game. I started to wonder if they were still playing in London. Apparently, whoever made this board is patriotic and is totally against games across The Pond. Looks like we have something in common. 

For some ungodly reason, the girl in the middle of this picture and the guy with the visor on started throwing napkins up in the air like they were confetti. I think it was part of their dance routine. You can see the results on the floor. Don't these assholes know some poor schmuk has to clean that shit up? 

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom is watching Season 5 of 24. She doesn't like President Logan. "How is he going to run the country? He can't handle a fucking woman."

We are looking at the T-P's top 100 restaurant list. I tell mom that one of the steakhouses is in the casino somewhere but I'm not sure where. "Fuck. Fucking ask somebody. Win $50 and go in there and have a fucking steak."

Mom realizes that she missed one in her count Sunday. She's been to 8 out of the 100. She knows the reason for the low number. "That's the problem. They're all in fucking New Orleans."

Mom tells me that Amy Poehler had her baby and missed SNL. "Of course, we fucking missed it. Fucking DVR messed that shit up. Just like a VCR. It fucks up sometimes. Ain't no better."

The wind really picked up Sunday night. "What happened last night? My fucking plant outside fell over. Fucking blinds all over the fucking place. It was a fucking mess."

Mom's in the kitchen. She has a container. "Where's the fucking directions?"

I tell mom that I've never tried pumpkin before. "You might like it. It's better than swallowing fucking sushi." (Quick background: Regina made me try sushi one time. Mom still can't believe I let her do it because she knew there would be no way I would like it. She was right.)  

DID YOU KNOW?

Did you know that Obama is leading in the polls? Did you know that McCain's campaign has been on the attack? Did you know that Obama took time off the campaign to visit his sick grandmother in Hawaii? Did you know that Sarah Palin is a hockey mom? Did you know that this is the most important election in our nation's history? Did you know that the economy has become the No. 1 issue in the election? Did you know that we're in a financial crisis? 

Did you know that I'm sick of this campaign? Is it November 4 yet?

PARTING SHOTS

Shams is talking about how the 49ers might be interested in hiring Condoleezza Rice. 

"I guess they figure she won't have a job in January. That doesn't make any sense, though. They must think she's related to Jerry Rice."

Retro quote: October 27, 2004

I think this was said on Letterman.

Johnny Damon: "We (The Boston Red Sox) know we're idiots. We know we're cowboys. And now we know we're World Champions."

THE DAILY TOP LIST

Mike Singletary's rant got me to thinking of all the great sound bytes in the past few years from the world of sports. Here's my top five. 

5) Terrell Owens. Dallas Cowboys receiver.

When: After losing to the Giants in the playoffs last season.

It really is unfair. Tony is my fantasy quarterback, and he's hurt. Sniffle. 

4) Singletary. (See yesterday's blog.)

3) Mike Gundy. Oklahoma State football coach.

When: After beating Texas Tech. And realizing he's 40. 

Nobody deserves to be kicked when they're down, Mike. This press conference is a must for any expecting parent. Can you believe the newspaper wrote about a kid in a college game? 

2) Kevin Garnett. Boston Celtics forward.

When: After winning the NBA title in June and becoming certified.

ANYTHING'S POSSIBLE! TOP OF THE WORLD! He was right, though. Michelle did look good.

1) Dennis Green. Arizona Cardinals coach.

When: After losing to the Bears on MNF.

I rewatched this clip, and the clip was what I thought it was. If you want to crown him No. 1, then crown his ass. 

AT 'HOME' ON THE PITCH

The Saints played their first regular-season game outside the U.S. I watched my first game of the season at home. It was a game of firsts, indeed. Reggie's first missed game of the year. The first time Saints got calls all year. I couldn't believe the refs overturned both of San Diego's interceptions. Those plays were so close. I'm surprised there was enough evidence to overturn them.

The win keeps the Saints' season alive. If they come back across The Pond at 3-5 with two weeks to think about it - plus the impending suspensions - the season is over. Now, they still have life. Though, I'm looking at the schedule, and it's hard to imagine them getting to 10-6.

They have to sweep the Falcons. Let's assume wins over Detroit and Kansas City and a loss at Chicago. That's 8-5. Meaning they have to win two out of 1) Monday night at home vs. Packers (a game I've been calling the key for like five weeks now) 2) at Bucs 3) season finale at home vs. Panthers.

As for Sunday, what an exciting game! The offense moved the ball up and down the field. Drew was outstanding. I feel like the Saints can beat any team, just as long as the team has a not-so-good secondary.

Then, they gave me a freakin' heart attack at the end. To me, taking that safety only gave the Chargers a chance to win the game. Sproles is dangerous, and he had room to run at the beginning of that return. I thought Drew could have wasted more time on that safety. 1) By running into the corner, as Liam suggested. or 2) throwing the ball high up in the stands. After the Chargers recovered the onside kick with 9:35 left, you just got the feeling that they would win.

Notes on the game.

1) That's the second time a linebacker got the game-sealing pick late in the fourth. Fujita did it against the Bucs.

2) The Saints are 4-0 when Lopes is in the house. Anybody want to chip in and pay for him to go to Atlanta in two weeks?

3) Traditionally speaking, the winner of the London game wins the Super Bowl. You know when Red Meat gets back and the suspensions are served, the Saints could really get rolling down the stretch. Sound familiar?

4) Boy, Aaron Glenn was giving some huge cushion. He gives more cushion than your local furniture store. (Is that an original joke? I sure hope so.)

5) I hate the idea of playing regular-season NFL games in London or anywhere not in a home teams' stadium. It's retarded. Screw expanding the game globally. It's a friggin' American sport. I was hoping Nantz or Simms would deck Roger Goodell in the face during that interview when he hinted at multiple international games. Even Chris Berman thinks this whole London thing is a bad idea. I also hate the thought of 18 regular-season games. Ugh.

6) Gee, I can't seem to recall the last time the Saints missed an extra point. I know it's been a long time. I'll have to ask JRap. He might be the only one that knows. I wonder if the last missed PAT also didn't cost the Saints.

7) Announcing mistakes. I got two from Sunday's broadcast.
-- Simms (about Brees): Well, he was on a throwing offense in college. Then, he went to Purdue.
-- Nantz (about the Saints winning; keep in mind, the Saints' game finished last): They can pick up a game on everyone in the division. (Really? Even though Carolina won? Because that would be totally sweet.)

8) That was a priceless highlight of Payton playing QB in Europe. I had to laugh at him sliding down the stands.

9) When the ref said that the first San Diego interception was overturned, he was using notes on a pad to deliver his announcement. I watched him read, "The ball will be placed at the 24-yard line." Hilarious.

10) I'd hate to beat a dead horse, but I got to ask this question yet again. Why are we throwing? The play I'm referring to is the second interception that was overturned. First down. Own 39. 5:45 left. Up by 7. Run the goddamn ball. Luckily, the play was overturned, and the penalty on Billy Miller (who has been terrific, by the way) was offsetted by the idiot for San Diego celebrating the call on the field of interception.

At least Payton then ran the ball with a second chance at 5:41 remaining.

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom looks at an add for the Swamp Room on Vets. "I thought they only made fucking hamburgers."

The T-P came out with its annual Top 100 restaurant list on Sunday. "I've only eaten at seven of these. Been living in this city for 52 fucking years. That's probably all I'll get to, too. Seven fucking restaurants."

I'm watching the Saints game in the living room while eating lunch. "People are fucking going on their honeymoon to see this shit."

I tell mom about a joke I made to Paul last night. He said something about getting kicked off of something. I said: "You should call Jeff Probst and get a ruling." Not shockingly, he said: "Who is that?" I swear if the person isn't a movie star or on his fantasy team, Paul has never heard of the person. Mom's reaction: "Jesus Christ. He (Probst) became a fucking celebrity after the first season of Survivor."

SNL didn't record on the DVR. It just says recording error. I tell mom this and that the same thing happened to Paul on a show Tuesday. "What the fuck is going on?" She goes to the DVR menu to see for herself. She sees it. "This is such bullshit."

Mom has me watch a quick scene from Six Feet Under. She recognizes an actor but can't figure out why she knows him. After about two seconds, I say, "That's Milo (from 24)." Now, it comes to her. "Oh. Fucking Milo. I can't believe I didn't get that. Fucking Milo." She walks into the kitchen and then returns. "Fucking Milo."

I BET THIS IS BETTER THAN THE REAL ONE

About five us at work Sunday night happened to turn to the TV at the same time. We see new 49ers coach Mike Singletary at a press conference after losing. We realize he's going off, but we kind of hesitate to turn up the volume. Liam finally pulls the trigger, and we are treated to pure gold. Gold, Jerry. Gold.

We all had the same thought afterward: That is the next Coors Light football commercial. I decided to save Coors the trouble and go ahead and write it myself. In case you missed the press conference, here it is. Now, for my commercial.

Singletary is shown wearing his red 49ers shirt with a long sleeve white undershirt. Very stylish if I do say so myself. The camera scans out to three Coors guys.

Coors guy No. 1: Hey, coach.
Singletary: Go ahead. What's up next?
Coors guy No.1: I'm coaching my kids' team at the playground. If too many of the kids can't make it for a game, what should I do?
Singletary: I would rather play with 10 people and just get penalized all the way until we got to do something else.
Coors guy No. 1: That doesn't sound fair to the kids that showed up, coach.
Singletary: I want winners. I want people that want to win.

Coors guy No. 2: Easy there, coach. On a lighter note, do you think it's possible to have a party without a full supply of Coors Light?
Singletary: Can't do it.
Coors guy No. 2: I agree. So you think you and your staff could help us out with a party? Maybe help us pay for the beer.
Singletary: We are not a charity.

Coors guy No. 3: Wait a second, coach. Our other buddy isn't here. (sternly:) What did you tell him?
Singletary: I told him that he would do a better job for us right now taking a shower and coming back and watching the game than going out on the field. Simple as that.

The fourth Coors light guy is then shown walking up to the other three wearing a shower cap, flip flops and a bath towel. He has his clothes on, of course. Kids are watching. He says (as he shakes some water out of his ear): "Hey, guys. Sorry about missing the interview. I have to listen to him (Singletary). He's the boss."

(promotional voice guy:) Frost brewed Coors Light. Official beer sponsor of the NFL.

Coors guy No. 4: Fine, coach. I took my shower. But you don't like those other guys in the locker room either, do you?
Singletary: Cannot play with them. Cannot win with them. Cannot coach with them.

WORDS CAN BE A FUNNY THING

Sometimes for a phrase or a term that is - or becomes - part of the vernacular, I misinterpret how the phrase or term is spelled based on how it sounds. I hear the phrase/term over and over. But until I see it used on paper, I have the meaning all wrong in my head. The latest example happened when I was proofing a page Sunday night.

Kellen Winslow of the Browns has a staph infection. In that story was the first time I had ever read staph infection on paper. The problem is I thought the term was staff infection. As in an infection afflicting a staff of a company. I always hear about it spreading and affecting multiple players and personnel. So I thought staff infection made sense because it often affects the staff of an organization. Also in my defense, staph and staff are pronounced the same way.

I learned Sunday that a staph infection is the result of bacteria from the nose and skin doing some serious damage. I don't really understand medicine and science, so the explanation for the diseases caused by staphylococcus (If they called it staphylococcus infection, I wouldn't have misunderstood it.) confused me.

The same sort of thing happened to me a few years back when I first saw the phrase "nip it in the bud" on paper. What I thought the phrase was sounds awfully similar and when I used mine, I meant the same thing. Though "nip it in the bud" pertains to plants, but I have no idea what the origin of "nip it in the butt" would be.

PARTING SHOTS
(the first two are from late Saturday night.)

Jelly is reading from a horse racing story.

Jelly: My Pal Charlie gave his trainer quite the thrill.
Me (singing): I found my thrill ...
Liam (singing): In stall forty-two ...

Marcus is looking at a picture of a dog dressed in LSU garb.

Marcus: Gene, I got the perfect date for you.
Beth (looking at the picture): Oh. I would feel bad for that dog.
Me: Come on, Beth. That's not nice.
Beth: Sorry, Gene. But I like dogs better than I like you.

(And now to Sunday's action.)

I'm watching the Saints game in my room when I get a call from Kelly, who had a crazy night on Saturday.

Kelly: I went to take a shower when I got home. I start the shower, and something didn't feel right. I look down, and I still have my clothes on."

We're wrapping up the work week.

Marcus: Jelly, you blogging?
Jelly: Hell to the no.
Me: We got Whitney Houston over here.
Marcus: So is Joe (the Security Guard) Bobby Brown?

THE DAILY TOP LIST
My top five Eddie Murphy movies.

5) 48 Hrs. 1982.
I can't hear "Roxanne" and not think of Reggie Hammond.

4) The Nutty Professor. 1996.
I like the scene where he battles Buddy and puts him away for good.

3) Life. 1999.
Wouldn't you go to Ray's Boom Boom Room?

2) Beverly Hills Cop. 1984.
Foley (at the strip joint): Billy, you don't have to be embarrassed if your dick is hard. Your dick is supposed to get hard. That's the whole object.

1) Coming to America. 1988.
Also No. 1 on the list of most quoted movies at the T-P sports department.

LSU-GEORGIA FRIENDLY RUNNING DIARY

2:32: I'm driving to work to start the diary, but I'm running late. I listen to the coin toss on the radio. Hawthorne tells me that Jordy's microphone is malfunctioning. "Hopefully, we'll get that fixed before the end of the game." Really? You're going to fix it within the next three and a half hours? It's not like anyone is sad not to hear from Jordy.

2:33: After the coin toss, the ref says, "Let's have a good game." Amen, brother. Amen.

2:37: Georgia gets a pick and returns it for a touchdown. The first thing I see when I walk in the building and turn on the TV is the Bulldogs celebrating on the sideline. Oh boy. Already? Yup. GEORGIA 7, LSU 0. Lee made a terrible read. Like I said before, he doesn't know yet how to look off his first read.

2:42: On third down, Lee not ready for the snap. But he reacts and completes a first down.

2:45: Scott looks like he did early in the season so far. They have an initial hole, and then he's punishing people in the secondary. As I'm typing that, he runs right over a guy and gets inside the 10. You can't hit him high. Dumbass.

2:46: FACEMASK! And no call. Two refs right there. How can you miss that?

2:47: TOUCHDOWN! TOUCHDOWN! Wide receiver screen pass to LaFell on third-and-goal. He makes it happen, captain. That was a heck of a drive. LSU 7, GEORGIA 7. Lot of excitement early on.

2:50: The phone rings. I answer it. Guy wants to know the Boise State score from last night. I give it to him.

2:53: LSU uses the express defense with four defensive end. Plus, they blitz two more. Don't get close to Stafford. The result: A 22-yard completion on third down.

2:56: After an LSU tackle, several players pat players on the other team on their helmet. How friendly. See, I told you.

3:01: Touchdown drive. The Dawgs drove down the field like they were in practice. It seemed like they were only half-trying. Chunks of yardage in the running game. Completed passes when needed. No penetration by LSU. Could be a long day for the Tiger defense. Didn't they say they fixed all those problems? Oh. They were lying. Gotcha.

3:05: On second down, Lee doesn't step up in the pocket soon enough. On a third-down draw, Murphy slips. Probably wouldn't have gotten the 9 yards anyway. And punt.

3:10: I think Verne likes this Georgia team. Just a tad. Make that both announcers. End of the first quarter with Georgia about to make it 21-7. Dammit. Another freakin' blowout?

3:15: GEORGIA 21, LSU 7. Seriously, it's like there isn't even a defense on the field. Coming in to this game, Georgia was scoring touchdowns in the red zone 50 percent of the time. The cure for that bad clip? The practice, er, LSU defense. I hope the people who "fixed" the LSU defense aren't in charge of fixing the economy.

3:17: Always the optimist, LSU is used to playing from behind. Miles said so himself. So we got that going for us. Speaking of Miles, he has never lost in regulation at Tiger Stadium. Well, for the next two and a half hours, he can say that.

3:23: So let me get this straight, CBS. Hatch and Lee are friends? You're sure about this?

3:25: Colt David makes a 51-yard field goal. He's the all-time LSU scoring leader. Good for him. GEORGIA 21, LSU 10. Why was there not defensive holding on third down? Even the Georgia-loving broadcast booth saw that one. There was no tip. And yet they didn't review it. It's now my goal for LSU to get one call at home today.

3:29: Now, that was a tipped ball on first down. LSU defensive back Patrick Peterson (freshman) acts like he did something on second down. Hey, jackass! The dude still caught the ball. Just didn't get a foot in bounds. You still blew it.

3:33: LSU gets its first stop. OK, crowd. Start your almighty bowing to this "fixed" defense.

3:40: Demetrius flying Byrd. What a fantastic play. Nice catch. Spin move. Breaks two tackles. Still has a burst of speed in him. On the next play, Scott, who had some power running going on the drive, cruises into the end zone from the 2. TOUCHDOWN! TOUCHDOWN! GEORGIA 21, LSU 17. Seven minutes left in the first half.
3:42: We could have our exciting game after all. I thought it was a mistake for Georgia on its previous possession to be conservative on third down. The booth agreed with the Dawgs' decision. But LSU had not stopped the Bulldogs yet. Why not keep pushing on the gas pedal? Now, they've given those Tigers life. That's not what I would call smart.

3:46: Three-and-out for Georgia. Told you the Dawgs made a mistake. They blew it. I'll take it.

3:50: Lee takes all the momentum LSU had, balls it up, lights a match, sets the ball on fire, takes the ball, eats it and goes up in flames. What kind of terrible throw was that? By the way, I hate the roll out. I've never understood the point of that play. It gets the QB out of the pocket, but he's off balance from running out there. Anyway, shouldn't they keep running and throwing safe passes?

3:54: 50-yard field goal by Georgia. GEORGIA 24, LSU 17. This dude missed four field goals a few weeks ago. Now he makes a 50-yarder. Geez.

4:03 Halftime. Not a blowout. We could have a classic. But I'm still sensing blowout. LSU needs to throw some quick passes and keep pounding Scott with an occasional pitch to Murphy or Williams. And just pray on defense.

4:30: Georgia goes three-and-out. They don't call a flag on the pick on third down. They call illegal formation. At least we got some sort of call. Holliday doesn't look so fast today when he keeps getting tackled by the first guy.

4:35: Three-and-out for LSU. The Dawgs stuffed Scott on first down. Then, the possession was basically over.

4:38: Nice play by Stafford. Looked like maybe a sack. Then like he was throwing it away. But he completed a 10-yard pass to the sideline. Impressive.

4:43: Marcus: "Remember when you asked me about Jai Eugene, D? There he is getting boint." GEORGIA 31, LSU 17. Third-and-10. LSU almost gets to Stafford. He steps up and bang, 48-yard TD pass with Eugene trailing the receiver.

4:49: That crazy Les Miles does it again. In a desperate situation down by 14, he calls for the fake punt, and it works. Again. And I was about to declare the game over.

4:57: LSU misses a long field goal. What difference does it make down 11? I thought they should have gone for it. They need touchdowns and momentum against Georgia like the momentum shift from the first half. The intentional grounding certainly didn't help.

5:00: Knowshown really long touchdown run. There was no hole there. But the LSU defenders plugging the hole decided to vacate the area. Coleman then missed a tackle. Should have been a 5-yard gain. GEORGIA 38, LSU 17. Ballgame. Another freindly blowout. That's three in a row the wrong way. Is this a rivalry anymore?

5:04: This is over. I'm out. At least I can pat myself on the back for calling a blowout.

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

I show my mom a mark on my back. "I don't know what the fuck that is."

Mom tells me after I wake up that she wants me to watch something on Oprah. I immediately know that will lead to disaster. She wants me to see a product on there and maybe get it for my birthday. I reluctantly agree. Let's just say that I hate Oprah even more now. She's insufferable. Even though I'm aggravated and have already told mom Oprah sucks, I try to pay attention to the product. I ask a question.

Me: What does it do?
Mom: Fuck you, Gene. Jesus Christ. (She walks past me and into the kitchen.) He didn't even look at it. How could you not want that. It's like a fucking Ipod except for books. Jesus Christ. He's so fucking ungrateful. He makes a big fucking ordeal out of it. Jesus Christ. He didn't even give it a chance. I'm glad I didn't go buy one. He would have opened it and been like, 'What the fuck is this?' "

I try to apologize a few minutes later and explain that I was only asking a serious question about the product.

"You are the rudest child. You made all these fucking disgusting faces like 'Why the fuck are you showing me this?' All you have to do is hit a fucking button, and you can download a book. You're the most ungrateful child."

I try to apologize (yet again) later. "Then why did you make all those fucking faces?" (I tell her those were just at Oprah, but by this point, she's not listening.)

I try to make it better by telling her something good I did. "You fucking want a cookie? You're 25-years-old. You're not a fucking baby."

TV WEEK IN REVIEW

Best line: House. House explains how he figured out what the patient had. "Another life saved by girl-on-girl action."

Best Indiana Jones reference. Tie. Family Guy. Heroes. The Family Guy episode took place in Nazi Germany. So I'm expecting an Indy reference. But they trick me and give one from the second film, the only one in the trilogy not involving Nazis. Well played. Heroes had Adam die the same way two Nazis die in the last Crusade when they choose poorly in trying to achieve eternal life.

Best guest star: Saturday Night Live Weekend Update Thursday. The show starts from the Oval Office. But the shocker is that George W. Bush is played by our old pal Will Ferrell. Of course, it was funny. I'm also declaring this site a no-bummer zone. I even laughed at the notion that W. thought Cheney was actually in charge this whole time.

This week's rant: I thought this week of TV was the best overall week in recent memory. SNL Thursday was hilarious. How I Met Your Mother felt like a sesaon finale with Ted and Stella's relationship ending. Heroes established a bad-ass villain while deleting the powers of the best good guy. I was given hope for Chuck and Sarah. Plus, I got to see Corey Matthews back on my TV screen. What a treat.

PARTING SHOT
Marcus is looking for help with a story.

Marcus: Hey, D. Give me a cinnamon for bad. Oops. I meant synonym. I must be hungry.

THE DAILY TOP LIST
My top five dream jobs.

5) Newspaper copy editor.
Wait. I kind of already have that. Dreams can come true.

4) ESPN.com blogger/columnist.
I would love to get paid to sit at home and watch sports and make comments on it. Sort of like I do on this site.

3) TV show writer.
I think I would be a hell of an asset to a sitcom. I got jokes. I can make sure the storylines mesh from episode to episode and season to season. Not thrilled about waking up early, though.

2) Cubs play-by-play guy.
Hang out at Wrigley. Watch the Cubs for a living. Eat some hot dogs.

1) WWE employee.
In any capacity really. Work for the magazine. Come up with storylines for the show. Plan the future. Get Vince's coffee. Whatever.

CHAPTER IV. WE CALLED IT A LOVE TRIANGLE WITH FOUR SIDES.
(the fourth in what seems to be a series on Fridays)

Previously on High School Girlfriend Saga: I broke up with Regina during a football game, didn't tell anybody about it and found out some 17 days later that she wasn't attending school. Instead, she was in a mental hospital.

And action.

After picking our jaws up from the Palace floor and brushing off the popcorn from our chins, Paul and I had a hearty chuckle about the situation. It was kind of funny. We didn't laugh for long, though. We realized this was serious. I had crushed a girl's heart and sent her to the mental hospital. I felt awful.

I then call her cell phone. No answer. I thought about driving to her house in Kenner to ask her mom all sorts of questions and then maybe go visit her the next day at the crazy house. But I didn't. The whole idea creeped me out. That was Wednesday, February 6, 2002.

On Thursday night, I'm at home (maybe studying, maybe watching TV; I don't remember) when my phone rings. It's Regina, and she proceeds to tell me how she ended up in the nuthouse. After I left her house after the breakup, she freaked out worse than when I was there. Her mom came home to discover her smashing things. She insisted Regina get some help. So she did. She had returned home Wednesday night and went to school Thursday. She said she felt all better.

This talk eased my mind. I apologized for breaking her heart, and we talked about maybe hanging out soon. On Friday at school, I told all my friends the story, beginning with the breakup. I had a nice talk again with Regina on Friday. Just when I thought the drama was over, I had a I-didn't-see-that-coming conversation Saturday night.

Some folks were over at my house. Paul was the last one to leave. I'm standing on my front door step waving goodbye, but just as I turn to go back inside for the night, this happens.

Paul: Oh. Can I ask you an important question?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
Paul: Because I would never do this without talking to you.
Me: Just spit it out already.
Paul: Would you be OK if I asked Regina out?

I had a dilemna. I didn't have feelings anymore for Regina. I could care less who she dated. I also didn't want to be a dickweed and tell Paul no just because I could. But I didn't feel comfortable with the possibility of them dating.

Me: Why would you want to go and do that?
Paul: I just feel like we had a real connection. I didn't say anything while ya'll were dating, of course. But when we were all hanging out, to me, it just seemed like Regina and I got along better than you guys did.
Me: Wow. I don't know what to say. Are you sure you want to do this?
Paul: At some points, we were giggling amongst ourselves, and you were just sitting there. I have real feelings for her.
Me: You know she just got out the mental hospital?
Paul: I can help her through that.
Me: O-K. If you really want to, I got no qualms about it.
Paul: Thanks. That means a lot.

On Monday after school, Paul, Minkus and I are talking before I head off to soccer practice. I had a lot on my mind. That Saturday was our state quarterfinals match against Brother Martin, who we had split with in the regular season. Minkus complains that Paul is getting first crack at Regina.

Me: What?
Minkus: Yeah. I liked her, too.
Me: You've got to be kidding me?
Minkus: I didn't want to say anything when ya'll were together, but when you invited me over to her house for that spaghetti dinner with her family before Christmas, that was very uncomfortable for me. I couldn't stop thinking about her.
Me: Good Lord Almighty. So you want to date her, too? Why don't ya'll just have a devil's threesome?
Minkus: I just don't see why Paul gets to ask her out first. I like her just as much.
Me: I can't believe I'm having this conversation. Sorry, Minkus. Paul asked permission first. You're going to have to hope these two nutjobs fail. I got to get to practice.

So the plan was for Paul to call Regina on Monday night and ask her on a date for Friday night to see if they have any real chemistry. All I had in my head, however, during soccer practice and when I got home was the thought of Paul and Regina having dinner, holding hands and making out. I decided I couldn't let that happen.

The reason for this decision was only half-selfish. I couldn't stand the thought of Paul with Regina. She still represented something to me. My first real girlfriend and my best friend. Yuck. The other half of my decision was to save Paul. That's right. Save him. You see, at the time, Paul wanted to stay a virgin until marriage and most certainly wouldn't have jumped in the sack very quickly even if he did break that. If they started dating, Regina would have been bringing up sex probably within two weeks. I knew Paul couldn't handle that. I had to save him.

I had all kinds of thoughts and emotions running through my body when I called Regina. I think Paul and Minkus having these feelings for Regina lit a fire in me. She was on the other line with Paul. They were talking about me. According to Paul, she said, "Speak of the devil, he's on the other line. Hold on." According to Regina, she did not say "Speak of the devil" in any form or fashion. I remember that becoming a big deal. Silly, right?

Regina: Hey.
Me: Hey. What's up?
Regina: I'm talking to Paul on the other line.
Me: Oh. Is the conversation serious at all?
Regina: No. Just talking.
Me: OK. Can you hang up with him then?
Regina: Sure. (She switches lines.) OK. I told him I'll call him back.
Me: Good.
Regina: What do you want, Gene?
Me: Um. I've been thinking. A lot.
Regina: Me, too.
Me: Look, the truth is: I love you. And we should get back together.
Regina: Oh my, God! I love you, too. Yes, let's get back together.
Me: Wow. This is awesome. We should have never broken up.
Regina: No. But this whole ordeal will make our love even stronger.

TO BE CONTINUED ...

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom went to pick up lunch from Bobby's today. She returns mad as all hell. "Two fucking school zones I had to go through at 3 o'clock."

Mom's old high school friend Lisa, who works at Bobby's, was not there the past few weeks. She tells mom that she had her shoulder replaced. Mom couldn't wrap her head around that one. "That doesn't make any sense. She said it was crumbling. How do you replace a fucking shoulder?"

THE GENE POOL DIP (I MEAN TIP) OF THE WEEK

On the first day of school in eighth grade, my Louisiana history teacher imparted some advice to the class that I've been living by ever since. He wrote his two rules of thumb on the chalkboard.

1) If you ever get caught doing something wrong, lie. And then run.
2) Marry money.

I haven't been caught much (mostly because I've been a good/sneaky boy), but when I have been, I haven't been above fibbing and sliming my way out of it. You should do the same.

As for rule No. 2, I'm still working on that one. I'm not saying I wouldn't want to marry a non-rich person, but I would be more inclined to move forward with a rich bitch ho (that one was for you, Danny). If you are single, you should look into this idea as well.

My teacher said marrying money was smart because then you wouldn't have to work too hard. Sounded good to me. Meanwhile the two years I had him for history, I put in more effort than at any other time in my schooling history. Ironic. To show you I'm sincere, Regina had plenty of money (you should see what she got me for Christmas in 2001). Clearly, I'm not with her.

My eighth-grade history teacher also introduced me to KISS (keep it simple, stupid). Ah, the life lessons I learned in LA history. Thanks, Mr. Altobello, even though we didn't exactly get along and you threw me out of your class like three times. He didn't like my imitation of a Chinese man. Or was it Japanese?

WHEN I SAY OBAMA, YOU SAY AYERS

I've been getting some interesting phone calls at work. I guess that is the reason I don't mind answering the phone. You just never know what kind of looney will be on the other end. Case in point: Friday night.

Me: Sports.
Caller: Hello. Is this the newspaper?
Me: Yes.
Caller: OK. Um. Has the T-P made an endorsement for president?
Me: Hold on. (I ask Sandy, who tells me not yet.) No. Not yet.
Caller: Oh. Well hopefully ya'll choose Obama.
Me: It probably will be him.
Caller: Oh, good. OK. Bye.

And that had what to do with sports?

PARTING SHOTS
I'm talking to Paul late Thursday night about the mess up with Tom Brady's surgery.

Me: He should have gone to Dr. James Andrews.
Paul: Who is that?
Me: Are you kidding me?
Paul: Oh. Wait. Is that the wrestling guy?
Me: Yes, Paul. The wrestling guy.
(I then give him a full explanation of Andrews. Paul, a huge football fan, had no idea Andrews has also operated on like half the Saints, including Red Meat last week. As Marcus would say: Disgusting.)

I'm typing in a Web site when JRap sends me a message on AIM. I was typing .net, and the AIM message popped up right after I typed in the "n." I then hit enter to go to the Web site, but I really sent JRap a response without knowing it. Here's the convo.

JRap: You got Tulane insider
Me: et
JRap: tu, Brute?

I don't know if this was an insult or a compliment.

JRap (talking about me): Over here, you've got Moe, Larry and Curly all rolled into one.

Marcus is reading a prep story.

Marcus: William Bunns. Haha.
Me: Is that the name of a running back?
Marcus: Yeah. You know what they say when he scores?
Sandy: Hot dog!

Trey is upset that a prep writer e-mailed the story to his personal e-mail instead of the general sports e-mail.

Trey: I don't know why they keep doing this. We've only done this for like 100 years.

THE DAILY TOP LIST
The top five rivalries involving one of my teams.

5) Dolphins vs. J-E-T-S.
Still have nightmares of that Monday Night game. Favre only added fuel to the fire.
Seen it in person? No.

4) Rockets vs. Spurs.
To get ready for this season, I'm watching the highlight of T-Mac scoring 13 points in 33 seconds to beat San Antonio back in 2004.
Seen it in person? Does preseason count?

3) LSU vs. Auburn.
I don't feel bad for Auburn this year. Not in the least bit.
Seen it in person? Yes.

2) Cubs vs. Cardinals.
Long history. Plus my dad's favorite team is the Red Birds.
Seen it in person? Yes.

1) UNC vs. Duke.
Easy. Best rivalry in all of sports.
Seen it in person? No.

WHY CAN'T WE BE FRIENDS?

The Georgia-LSU game Saturday is the third big game of the season for the Tigers, with a fourth against Alabama a couple weeks later. And a fifth one if you count Tulane. For Auburn, I gave you names for the past five games (including this season). For Florida games, I gave you my top five moments. I can't do either of those for Georgia.

The difference this weekend from those other big games is I don't hate the Bulldogs. I hate Auburn. I hate Florida. I hate Alabama. I kind of like Georgia. Heck, I almost went there for college. The only thing that stopped me was the excessive out-of-state tuition fee. When Georgia plays those other schools, I cheer for the Dawgs. You get the picture.

I'm not sure if you other Tiger folk out there share those sentiments. But I feel like this is the friendliest rivalry of any rivalry involving one of my teams. And that's a lot of rivalries (future daily top list, anyone?). My good buddy Chuck is a big Bulldog fan, and I don't think we've ever had a heated argument or spat about this series.

Don't get me wrong. I want to win Saturday. And I want to win bad. Have you seen what the Bulldogs have done to the Tigres the past two meetings? In 2005, they kicked our ass in the SEC championship when we were, I think, third in the country. In 2004, they put a whopping on us in Athens in a game I watched with Chuck in a Loyola dorm. Who could forget Xavier Carter kneeling at the 1-yard line on a kick return?

All of my good memories of Georgia games come from 2003. LSU ripped the Dawgs in the SEC championship before edging Oklahoma for the national title. But it was the first meeting between the schools that year (September at home) that told you LSU was for real. I watched the second half of that one with Little Joe in his dorm room. Oh how we jumped up and down and hugged for probably too long after Matt Mauck found Skyler Green for the winning score.

I'm hoping for a close, exciting game Saturday. This rivalry won't continue to be too friendly if one team keeps beating the crap out of the other. Actually, it won't be a rivalry at all if they don't start having some nailbiters. Plus, I don't want my running diary to be about a boring blowout.

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom greets me in the hall upon waking up Thursday. "The DVR fucked up. I hope it doesn't happen again. It only taped 13 minutes of the Young and the Restless. Then that fucking screen popped up (asking to erase the program or save it to the DVR list). I don't know what happened. Usually when it fucks up, ..." (She mumbled the rest and headed for the kitchen.)

Mom walks into the kitchen. She looks in the sink. "What the fuck is that?" (It was cheese.)

Mom asks me how long Thirteen on House has to live. I say about 10 years. "Ten years is a long fucking time. What kind of doctor would give someone 10 fucking years to live?"

In the afternoon, mom still was upset about the DVR mess up. "I still can't figure out why my fucking DVR fucked up on the Young and the Restless." Mom then complains more about the DVR, leading to this.

Mom: The DVR probably lasts as long as a VCR.
Me: Uh, I don't think so.
Mom: The heck it doesn't. We're fucking using it every day.

I tell mom that I watched Pretty in Pink for the first time Wednesday night. I tell her that I didn't recognize an actress until I saw her name in the credits.

Me: It was Mary Jo from Designing Women. Can you believe I didn't realize it was her until I saw her real name in the credits?
Mom: That's because you watched the shit out of that fucking show.

BRISTOL, HERE I COME

I just finished setting my last page Thursday evening when the phone rings. I assume it is from downstairs wanting to know when the last page will be done. I was wrong. It was a call from ESPN. They want me to fly in for an interview next week. Apparently, they somehow found the blog and are interested in me joining the staff as an off-the-wall sports blogger. I'm just kidding. But did I at least have you starting to believe it for a second?

Here's the conversation I did have with ESPN.

Me: Hello.
ESPN: John Reid? (This is funny because John is a Hornets' beat writer and was in Mobile, Ala., for the final preseason game. And even if he wasn't, he surely wouldn't be sitting in the office at 11:30 p.m.)
Me: No. This is Gene.
ESPN: Oh. This is Greg with ESPN. Do you guys have a box from the Hornets-Heat game tonight?
(I check the fax machine.)
Me: No. I have a partial box.
ESPN: That will do. At this point, anything is better than nothing. You see, it was a neutral-game site, and our feed went out. (Neutral site? Are you telling me that neither the Miami Heat nor the New Orleans Hornets regularly play in Mobile?)

I take down the fax number for ESPN and send them the partial box I printed from the AP wire. You get that? One news organization (T-P) faxed news from a separate news organization (AP) to a third news organization (ESPN). When I checked ESPN.com 15 minutes later, however, they had a full boxscore. Go figure.

PARTING SHOTS
I walk into the bathroom at the same time as a reporter who always aggravates the shit out of D.

Reporter (looking at my David West shirt): How the Hornets going to do this year?
Me (trying to ignore him): Good.
Reporter (seriously): They going to make the playoffs?
Me: Uh, yeah.

Retro quote: October 23, 2004
I walk into the Waffle House in Slidell with three Maroon girls. We were on our way to the retreat we had every semester.

Waitress (to me): "What's up, pimpalicious?"

THE DAILY TOP LIST
I'm not big on horror films. I don't like to waste my time trying to see if something will scare me. I'm just not into that. I do like a horror movie that makes you think, though. And, as you may have guessed, I have a top five. (Don't be alarmed. I do like some thriller classics like Jaws and The Shining, but mostly I like the classic lines in those.)

5) House on Haunted Hill. 1999.
This movie has a certain charm to it. Maybe it's the acting. Maybe it's Chris Kattan. Maybe it's Maybelline. I don't know. But I can watch this movie over and over. Yes. I know it's a remake.

4) The Ring. 2002.
Intriguing story kept me involved. I think this is the only horror movie in my DVD collection.
Sequel: Sucked.

3) Saw. 2004.
I predicted two of the twists. Did not see the main twist coming. This one kept me on the edge of my seat. Sequels: Thought the second one was OK. Hated the third one. (I believe that's the opposite of most people). Didn't bother with the fourth one and won't bother with the fifth one.

2) Scream. 1996.
I loved how the killer was the first person arrested. You never see that coming.
Sequels: Most people hated the second one. I actually kind of liked it. Third one was blah.

1) Nightmare on Elm Street. 1984.
Scared the bejesus out of me as a kid. 1-2 Freddy's coming for you. ...
Sequels: Hated the second one and the sixth one. Liked the third and fourth ones. Thought the fifth and seventh were OK.