IF ONLY I WERE A MILLIONAIRE, TOO.

For those of you keeping track at home, this is my ninth song parody on the site. One more, and we'll call all the record studios to see who wants to make the album. Stop laughing.

I put the events of my Saturday to the beat of the Beverly Hillbillies theme song. Ya'll enjoy, now. As always, original lyrics in purple.

Come and read the story about my Saturday (Come and listen to a story about a man named Jed)
It started when Tina woke me up to my dismay (A poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed)
Took off the cover, but the pool was yuck (Then one day he was shootin' at some food,)
Tina said, 'All that for nothing, what the fuck?' (And up through the ground came a bubblin' crude)

Screwed we were. Messy pool. Extra work. (Oil that is, black gold, Texas tea.)

Well the next thing you know, drive to an uptown bar (Well the first thing you know ol' Jed's a millionaire)
Got distracted, almost rammed another car (Kinfolk said Jed move away from there)
Met Ramon to celebrate his college degree (Said Californy is the place you ought to be)
Didn't have a drink, went on a juicy crawfish spree (So they loaded up the truck and moved to Beverly)

Before work, that is. (Hills, that is.)
Watching sports, laying out. (Swimmin' pools, movie stars)

And that was my Saturday! (The Beverly Hillbillies!)
(Cue up the banjo music.)

I said some driver failed a drug test early in the night (Well now it's time to say goodbye to Jed and all his kin)
Sandy said, "You pulled a D; now, put that on your site" (And they would like to thank you folks for kindly droppin' in)
Sports flicks was then our topic, what an atrocity (You're all invited back again to this locality)
It was a project for the paper by Ted and Jelly (To have a heapin' helpin' of their hospitality)

The Gene Pool, that is. Take a dip. Put your goggles on. ... Ya'll read again now, y'hear? (Hillbilly that is. Set a spell. Take your shoes off. ... Ya'll come back now, y'hear?)

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom was pissed with me late Friday night. "Can't even close a fucking door!"

Mom loves Wanda Sykes on The New Adventures of Old Christine. "She makes the fucking show."

Mom is behind in her TV watching for the week. "I have five fucking hours to watch."

PARTING SHOT
Jelly shows us a brand new ring on her right hand.

Jelly: I think my mother-in-law is sorry.
Liam: You've been saying that for a while now.

THE DAILY TOP LIST
The top five holidays I don't celebrate.

5) Labor Day. First Monday of September.
I've probably worked that day more than I haven't in the past six years. And I always dare to wear white the next day.

4) Flag Day. June 14.
Overused as a joke in movies when referring to getting days off. i.e. "What? We don't get off for Flag Day?" By the way, am I suppose to go around waving a U.S. flag on this day?

3) Mother's Day. Second Sunday of May.
Every year, Tina and I go through this song and dance.

Me: Want to go out for a nice lunch on Mother's Day?
Tina: No.

2) Valentine's Day. February 14.
I had a date once.

1) Halloween. October 31.
I'm too old to knock on doors for candy. Also, I've never been to a costume party.