THE DAILY TOP LIST
The top five plays that I've made in my sports career. There is a noticeable theme.

5) Strike streak. 1997.
In league play, I bowled seven strikes in a row to close out my historic 246. In the zone, I was.

4) Tourney winner? 1998.
For ninth grade Rummel soccer, we played in the St. Paul's tournament early in the season. In the championship game against St. Paul's with about 10 minutes left and the score tied 0-0, I made a run down to the penalty box.

As a cross came in from the left side, I darted to the middle of the penalty area. In the middle of two defenders, I extended my right leg on a dive and poked the ball out of mid-air and past the keeper.

While our team celebrated the more-than-likely-tournament winner, we heard whistles blowing. The refs waved off the goal and called me offsides.

It was probably one of the worst calls in the history of eighth grade soccer. I was even with the defenders, ran across the middle on a straight line and scored in between them. How could I be offsides?

Of course, St. Paul's scored in sudden death to win it. But fuck it. We declared ourselves the champions. I probably should have stole a championship trophy.

3) Buzzer-beater. 1997.
For seventh grade basketball at St. Christopher, we played in a tournament at a school with several courts, including one that was carpeted. Our semifinal game was nip and tuck throughout, but a late mini-run by whoever we were playing put them up three with eight seconds remaining.

As the clock ticked down, a guy on our team draws two defenders at the top of the key and whips a pass over the top of them to me wide open on the left wing. I catch and let go immediately.

The buzzer sounded right after I released. I knew it was going to be a swish when I let go, and it was.

We won the game in overtime. We got crushed in the championship, however. It seemed like the other team in that one was comprised of 10th graders.

2) Bent it like Beckham. 1998.
In the middle of the eighth grade soccer season, we played Newman, which had one of the best players in the country. Dwayne Jones is the fastest person I've ever played against in anything. He was so fast ... How fast was he? He was so fast that I would be in front of him as he had the ball. I'd guess which way he was going to dribble before he moved, and even if I guessed correctly, he would still blow by me.

The final score that day was 6-2 Newman. But to be more specific, it was Dwayne Jones 6, Me 2. My second goal was the prettiest goal I've ever scored. I dribbled by two defenders (Jones was on the other side of the field) and had the ball near the right corner of the penalty box.

The keeper came out at me to cut off my angles and was successful. No problem. I hooked the ball around him and into the goal. It was similar to the goal at the 4:00 mark of this video.

After the game, the Newman coach told me it was the best goal he ever saw from a kid my age. Of course, I ended up starting a blood feud with Jones. But that's a different story.

1) Double Pick-Six. 1996.
In seventh grade, we won the city flag football championship. Winning the title ranked as my No. 1 sports achievement August 2. Completing a miraculous comeback in the semifinals was my No. 1 personal sports victory September 27. Suffice to say, I'm proud of that title.

But it wouldn't have happened if I wouldn't have taken over in the quarterfinals. We were tied 12-12 with St. Pius X at the start of the fourth quarter, and they had the ball near midfield. The quarterback drops to pass, and I jump a route to the outside from my linebacker position. TOUCHDOWN! We lead 18-12.

On their next possession, the quarterback looks to hit a quick slant after they drove to our side of the field. He hits me instead as I step in front of the receiver. I make two guys miss, and it's an open lane to the touchdown. That's when I did my famous Deion Sanders impersonation.

The parents of the other team didn't appreciate that one too much. They wanted me kicked out of the game, but the ref just told me not to showboat anymore.

Anyway, on the next possession, St. Piux X hadn't learned its lesson yet and threw in my area again. I got a hand on the ball, and it deflected right into our safety's hands. He took it all the way. We won 32-12.

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom and I drove to Elmwood early Friday. As we pull into the street, a car comes flying around the corner. Mom is upset. "He should slow down. It's a fucking neighborhood."

I buy the new Green Day album at Best Buy. "Why didn't it come out Tuesday? It's like a fucking movie."

Mom looks at our bill from Bobby's. "What the fuck?" She thought it was too high. "How is it so much? What the fuck?" I then explained to her that we bought enough food for six meals.

I spread out my crawfish and shrimp platter across the counter. "Look at you. Taking up the whole fucking counter."

I've been making references to finding a hair in my food at home the other day. "So it happened one time in 25 fucking years. Big whoop."

I'm watching the replay of the Rockets-Lakers Game 6 on NBATV.
Mom: You haven't seen this yet?
Me: Yeah. I watched it at work last night.
Mom: Ya'll have the sports package now?
Me: No. It was on ESPN.
Mom: Oh. The sports department doesn't have the sports package. Fucking pathetic.

Mom walks out the door to go to the tanning place. She sees dog poop. "Dog shit all over the lawn. It's fresh. Motherfuck me. Son of a bitch."

PARTING SHOTS
Marcus didn't want to talk to an aggravating writer early Friday and told me to answer the phone.

Me: Sports.
Fortus: Is Marcus there, please?
Me: No. He went down to dinner. I can check your story. Is it in?
Fortass (as Liam calls him): Yeah, but can I talk to someone on the desk? Did everyone on the desk go down to dinner?
Me: No. Just Marcus. He eats as early as he can.

Brick tells me I should play for the Jesters soccer team.

Brick: You could be a Jesters star.
Me (after a few seconds): Uh, Marcus. You want to comment on that one?
Marcus: You already the mascot.
Me: A little delayed, but we'll give it to you.
Marcus: That was the FCC seven-second delay. I had some cuss words going through my head.

Mike asks JRap why he hasn't sent him the baseball roundup yet.

JRap: I did send it to you. You don't have it?
Mike: Oh. Looks like you sent it to Brick instead.
JRap: Well, you see, sometimes, Brick likes to look at it.