I'D LIKE TO GO TO LUNCH

On Thursday afternoon, I met my dad at Oriental Triangle for a little Chinese lunch. After ordering the pepper steak, I asked dad a question we had been discussing at work the night before: If you could start an NBA franchise with any player in history, who would it be?

His answer nearly made me fall out of my chair. Dad, a lifetime Celtics fan, thought for a second and said: "I can't believe I'm saying this, but I have to go with Magic. He could play all five positions, so you could build the rest of the team all kind of ways." Wow. For the record, I picked the other MJ.

My dad and I then discussed Steelers linebacker James Harrison not going to the White House today because it wasn't that special. Harrison said that if the Cardinals would have won the Super Bowl, then they would have been invited. Well, no shit, Sherlock.

Dad: I see where he's coming from.
Me: You do? He's refusing a chance to meet the President.
Dad: Yeah. Way out in left field.

After a solid meal, I rip open the bag with my fortune cookie in it. My fortune? THIS WEEKEND WILL AFFORD YOU PERSONAL OPPORTUNITY.

Really? I do have a full weekend lined up. I'm off both weekend days, and I have three events on the schedule. I can't wait to encounter this personal opportunity you speak of.

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

I finish brushing my teeth and walk into the living room. My mom says: "That woman across the street wears her pants so fucking tight, you can see the line of her ass and pussy."

Mom didn't like the selection of Chris as the eighth American Idol. At hearing the announcement: "Are you fucking kidding me? ... You got to be fucking kidding me."

Mom is worried about the pool party happening Sunday. "I put my hand in there (pool) this morning. It's like fucking ice. This is some crazy fucking weather." Then, as I'm leaving for work, she says: "How the fuck am I going to barbecue with all this rain?"

Mom gave me a haircut in the garage. She started the cutting still steaming about Idol. "I bet Adam's glad he didn't have to fucking single that. Mountains and hurricanes. That Idol song was such bullshit. He (Chris) said Adam deserved to win. That was fucking funny."

Later in the haircut, mom asks about the upcoming wedding. "You gonna make an ass of yourself at this wedding?"
Me: Uh.
Mom: That girl's (Gillie) wedding was in January, and I have yet to see a fucking picture. (She gets in my face.) Not one fucking picture."

Mom was raving about the guest stars on the American Idol finale. She listed Kiss, David Cook and Cyndi Lauper. She turns on the show to watch some more of it. Santana performs. "Oh, man. I forgot about Santana. Motherfuck. They got some fucking people on this show. ... Man, they had some fucking lineup."

PARTING SHOTS
The Internet went down at about 4:10 p.m. at work Thursday.

Me: I feel like I can't function.
Marcus: You can't function anyway.
Derry (at the same time): Just today?

The dialogue at work Thursday was one of the raunchiest nights of all-time. I'm not allowed to publish all that was said. Here are two exchanges.

1) The LSU baseball story is filled with words that could be viewed as sexually suggestive.

Someone: Let's make a headline that goes with that.
Jelly: LSU goes all the way.
Someone: LSU pounds Alabama.
Brick: LSU rises up.
Phil: LSU has some good wood.

2) Terry stops by during one of the nastiest parts.

Terry: What ya'll talking about?
Marcus: Men in thongs.
Terry: You wearing one? You a nasty son of a bitch.

THE DAILY TOP LIST
My favorite five episodes of the 08-09 TV season.

5) 6:00 p.m.-8:00 p.m. 24.
OK, this is two episodes, but they aired together in one night. The White House invasion by a dictator and what was left of his men was heartstopping.

4) Stress Relief. The Office.
Aired after the Super Bowl, it was a full hour of laughs, from Dwight's safety training to Michael's roast, which inspired my song about Marcus.

3) An Evening with Mr. Yang. Psych.
Shawn's momma is kidnapped, and Shawn must solve puzzle after puzzle to unearth the identity of the kidnapper. I love puzzles. Plus, Shawn and Juliet almost hooked it up, except that Shawn was already on a date. Heartbreaking.

2) My Last Words. Scrubs.
This episode was basically just J.D. and Turk talking to a patient through a night. Featured the "Steak Night" song and dance. Yes, I cried my eyes out at the end.

1) The Naked Man. How I Met Your Mother.
Robin goes on a date with a guy named Mitch, who has a move called The Naked Man. When you're on a date and you know it ain't going anywhere, make up an excuse to go back to an apartment. Once the girl leaves the room, you strip down, and you're naked when she returns.

Mitch: "Works two out of three times." Subsequently, three members of the cast try this, and it works two out of three times, with Barney being the lone exception.

Episode also featured a nice Dark Knight reference, Lily and Co. coming up with 50 reasons to have sex - It was funny because No. 50 is "for love" - and Barney and Ted discussing what pose they would use as The Naked Man (options included The Burt Reynolds, Mr. Clean, the Heisman and The Thinker, my personal favorite).