FOREWORD.
(In the voice of James Earl Jones)

In November 2007, I began a relationship with a girl named Megan. My Yat friends called her Lotion. Jelly called her Peaches. D calls her The One That Got Away. But her momma named her Megan, so I'm gonna call her Megan.

Megan was a junior at Loyola at the time, and the featured scenes of this short story take place in and around the New Residence Hall on campus. As I said before, this story is not on the level of the Regina one. You see, Megan didn't have a dad killed by terrorists or a real-life guardian angel or grand illusions of a summer wedding. But besides that, they ain't so different.

So sit back, relax and enjoy the view. Because these chapters are appearing just for you.

CHAPTER ONE: MOVING TOO FAST.

On one night in November 2007, Lopes and I both had plans to hit up the casino. I was playing poker by myself, and Lopes went with a girl we'll call Haiti to play table games. I took a break to go hang out with them. We ended up at the Masquerade.

Well, Haiti brought along a friend. She was attractive, so I chatted her up. A half hour later, we parted ways. I later told Lopes I was interested, and he relayed the message.

Before you knew it, I was talking to Megan online and we had a date for Tuesday the 20th. I took her to Theo's for some pizza. It was there that I learned we had the same taste in pizza (pepperoni and mushroom), the same favorite band (Fall out Boy), the same favorite Indiana Jones movie (Temple of Doom) and two of the same posters in our room (the same Fall Out Boy poster and a Pirates of the Caribbean poster).

The fine folks at the T-P were so excited about the date that they ordered from Theo's that night, and in the middle of my date, in walked JRap and Richard to pick it up. From what they could see, they approved of Megan.

As we were walking out the door, I put my arm around her and said: Where to?
Megan: Doesn't matter to me.
Me: Well, it's getting late. A quick drink or maybe ...
Megan: If you're trying to say my dorm, that's fine.

We capped off the evening with me meeting her roommates, watching half an episode of Nip/Tuck and talking until midnight. You couldn't ask for a better first date.

Our second date was that weekend and by the end of the third date the next Tuesday (which was dinner at Bruno's, back to her room), we changed our facebook status to: In a relationship. It felt right at the time, but I quickly learned that we were moving too fast. (Gasp! He just said the name of the chapter!)

Which brings us to Friday night, November 30th. I'm sitting at my desk talking to Megan.

Peachsoda: Are you going to come over after work?
Me: Yes. Probably get off around 11.
Peachsoda: K. Call me when you're here.

Immediately after that convo, Lopes: You going to Megan's tonight?
Me: Yeah. How'd you know?
Lopes: Haiti just told me. Megan is kicking everyone out of the dorm for the night and making them go to a late movie so you two can be alone.
Me: Ohhhhh.

TO BE CONTINUED. ...

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

The bill for my new license plate came in. It's $42. My mom thinks that's too much. "That's bullshit."

Mom watched the movie The Wrestler. Me: You liked it?
Mom: You know what killed me? He got in the fucking tanning bed with draws and socks on. The draws I can understand. They didn't want to show his dick. But socks? That's a fuck-up.

Me: What you think of the wrestling scenes?
Mom: Just like I thought. It's all fucking bullshit.

Mom said "What the fuck?" twice Sunday. Once at the TV when I wasn't in the room and the other time at one of her sandals.

TV WEEK IN REVIEW

Chuck finale: Two great lines. 1) Casey (upon seeing Chuck put the Intersect back in his head): Oh, Chuck me. 2) Chevy Chase (while pointing a shotgun at Chuck): It's a shot (slight pause) gun wedding. And that terrible pun will be the last thing you ever hear.

Heroes finale: 1) Sylar (to Claire about her trying to kill him for 100 years): Everyone needs a hobby. 2) Loved the Peter twist of him being the president. Didn't see it coming. 3) I predicted before the episode that Nathan would die as the ending to the season. Close enough.

My Name is Earl: I sat there and counted Randy's mistakes in the letter he wrote. There were 19, and that's not including misspelling the names of celebrities.

House: Hell of a bachelor party. Always an interesting theory on why bachelor parties are necessary. House (paraphrase): If your commitment to the vow is the same the day after you're married as the day before you're married, then the marriage means nothing. Therefore, go crazy and do something stupid at a bachelor party so that the marriage vow the next day means something.

The Office: Felt like a drama this week, with the who-gets-all-the-clients ordeal. Didn't know what side I was on.

30 Rock: Kenneth: "She bit off my nut sack that I tied around my belt to feed squirrels." I didn't know you could say nutsack on TV.

PARTING SHOTS
Bake asks me if there's room for a few more items in the news in briefs.

Me: I can fit it all.
Lopes: That's definitely what she said.

Marcus is reading this week's entries in The Gene Pool. He finds a mistake.

Marcus: You have later instead of latter.
Me: I missed a t?
Lopes: No. You're not Mr. T.

THE DAILY TOP LIST
My top five Morgan Freeman films.

5) New Batman movies. 2005, 2008.
I bet Christian Bale wouldn't dare yell at him.

4) The Sum of All Fears. 2002.
A bit underrated, I say.

3) Bruce Almighty. 2003.
Is that what God's voice sounds like?

2) Se7en. 1995.
"If John Doe's head splits open and a UFO should fly out, I want you to have expected it."

1) The Shawshank Redemption. 1994.
I've never liked a murderer so much.