DOES THIS DRESS MAKE ME LOOK FAT?

In celebration of Cinco de Mayo, I went with gal pals Paul and Kelly to Bruno's, where Little Joe, Jenna and Kaila eventually met us. However, first things came first. We had dinner at Fresco, where I knocked out my two-week craving for a calzone. 

Sometimes, commercials work. At first, I didn't like the recent batch of Dos Equis ads, but they quickly grew on me like acne on a chocolate-loving teenager. Those ads rule, especially the one with the awkward moment. 

I came to the conclusion that if the most interesting man in the world only drinks Dos Equis when it comes to beer, that must mean I'm missing out. So, the first thing I did when I got to Bruno's was order one. Plus, it goes with the celebration of Mexican culture. Stone. Meet two birds. 

Dos Equis received my approval. I had two. I feel like I should drop an e-mail to the people running this ad campaign to let them know it's working. 

Besides the random dudes who made Jenna guess their ages (she went over once and under once), the highlight of the night was this conversation: 

Kelly: I don't feel comfortable here. There is no girl fatter than me. 

Paul: Then, where do you want to go? Pancho's? 

(Kelly slaps Paul.)

Me: What about those two girls over there? They bigger than you. 

Kelly: You mean the lesbian in the blue shirt? Thanks a lot. 

(Kelly slaps me.) 

The rest of the conversation saw Paul and me trying to convince Kelly that our comments were not meant to be mean and Kelly continuing to be mad at us. Paul's comment certainly wasn't nice, but all I did was find two girls who were bigger. I didn't know where she got the whole lesbian thing. 

On the way home, with this debate still raging, Kelly explains to us that all fat girls are lesbians.

Kelly: Have you ever met a fat girl that wasn't a lesbian? 

1) We asked Kelly if there was a certain weight where this theory began and if a girl can lose her lesbian status by going under the weight. We had fun with this. 

2) What a ridiculous question by Kelly. 

3) I stopped myself short of answering that question with my first thought by biting my arm. My first thought? It would have gone like this. 

Kelly: Have you ever met a fat girl that wasn't a lesbian?

Me: I've met you. 

(Kelly stops the car and tells me to walk the rest of the way home.) 

Thank you, inner monologue. 

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom was trying to clean the dining room Tuesday. "You can't touch the blinds without dust flying all over the fucking place." Then, later on. "Can't even touch the blinds without it (dust) fucking flying around." 

Mom takes her lunch out of the microwave. It burns her hand. "It's fucking hot, Tina!" 

Mom has always been upset about how the air conditioner vents were setup in her bedroom. "Really fucked me up on that fucking air conditioner back there." 

Mom tells a sad story involving divorce. "Across the street yesterday, Chris was leaving. His little boy comes running out begging dad not to go. Broke my fucking heart. Fucking parents just don't realize what they do to those fucking kids when they do that shit." 

From the world of sports. 

-- On my current focus: "I have a major problem, and he doesn't give a fuck about anything but basketball. Bounce. Bounce. Bounce." 

-- On a recent arrest: "What were those two Saints players fucking thinking pissing in public?"

-- On the Hornets store having a 40-percent-off sale. "You got enough shit."

-- On a NBATV special on the Celtics-Bulls series. "They ain't gonna let this fucking shit go, huh?" 

From the universe of TV.

-- On Allan's pajamas on 2 and 4/5 Men. "Look at that outfit. He's in fucking Malibu." 

-- On Chelsea's makeover at Charlie's house: "She put a fucking vanity table in the bathroom." 

-- On the DVR list: "Shit. I got a lot to watch." 

-- On the actions of Tony on 24: "What the fuck's gotten into Tony? He's going to destroy a fucking subway." 

-- On some chick from the Bachelor competing on Dancing with the Stars: "If she wins, she doesn't deserve it because she isn't a fucking celebrity." 

PARTING SHOT

Kelly says that she doesn't like all the sorority girls at Bruno's. 

Me: How do you know that these girls are sorority girls?

Kelly: You can just tell. Like those two girls earlier. 

Me: You mean you know the Christmas tree girls were sorority girls? 

Kelly: Yeah. They had matching purses and dresses. Just one was green and the other was red. 

Me: So what's wrong with that? 

Kelly: Nothing to you. You were staring at their breasts. 

THE DAILY TOP LIST

The top five articles I've written. 

5) Why can't women and sports TV co-exist? Part I. Part II. 

These columns were the most fun I've ever had writing. It even stirred some controversy on campus when girls, who didn't know me and had no sense of humor, read the article. Hey, at least people were reading the sports section for twice. And I still never got my beer. 

4) Kick fails, Country Day loses. Nov. 9, 2002.

It was my first article in the T-P. It was 12 inches on Country Day falling short of finishing in second place in its district. My favorite part of covering the game was that the drive that ended in the missed winning kick went 91 yards on 19 plays in 13:10. 

I have the article framed in my room.   

3) Unheadlined basketball story. 

I wrote a feature story on Marquette forward Steve Novak when the Final Four was here in 2003. It won some award. Whatever. 

The premise was that Novak couldn't miss from 3-point range in the tournament, and I wrote that if you built a house for the homeless using Novak's bricks, the homeless would still be, well, homeless. 

2) On Loyola's campus, Wildes gets lesson in survival. Loyola yearbook. 2006. 

In my senior year, I took a class, er, I invented a class called Katrina Chronology. Yup, I was the only student. My assignment for the class (I also got paid for it) was to organize a bunch of Katrina stories for the yearbook. 

I wrote the first entry on University President Kevin Wildes, who stayed at Loyola for the storm. For the interview, I went to the Rev's dorm room on campus. Man has got some shoes. 

1) Student disrupts class by holding knife to throat. Nov. 1, 2004.

Early that morning, I was studying for a test in the Maroon office when a professor walked in and said there was a commotion downstairs. I grabbed a pen and pad and ran down there. The story was online within two hours.

I got some really good details in that story, my favorite being that the class was taking a quiz on chapters three and four when the incident began. 

The story was an SPJ Mark of Excellence national finalist for online spot news reporting, only falling short to the online staff (that's the entire staff) of the North Carolina paper.