THE CLOSING NUMBER

For my 10th and final song of my upcoming LP, I decided to go with an original score. Of course, I don't play no fancy instrument, and my lack of an in-tone singing voice is much spoken about. I do have the beat in my head, though. Just need a basic guitar rhythm.

This little ditty came to me as I was waking up Thursday. The first two verses anyway. I did the third verse Saturday.

I wrote it for a girl but no girl in particular. Just a girl. It might even work better as a poem to be handed to her. I sang it the other day for Tina. She said: "That's pretty good." Without further ado, I present: WOULD YOU MIND?

Would you mind if I stayed for a little while?
If it meant being with you, I'd go the extra mile
Would you mind if I finished this song I'm playing now?
If it's any good, at the end, I'll take a bow

Oh (insert girl's name here), I can't get you out of my head
I'd like to be with you 'till the day that I'm dead
When you're around, I grin from ear to ear
Cuz when I'm with you, I have nothing to fear

(Humming interlude)

You brighten up my day with the words that you say
I wouldn't be OK if you ever ran away
Every dawn I pray that you'll come out and play
With me, please stay 'till we're old and gray

Would you mind if I stayed for a little while?
If it meant being with you, I'd go the extra mile
Would you mind if I took your hand in mine?
In the news of my day, you take the main headline

Would you mind if I stayed for a little while?
Would you mind? Would you mind? Oh, would you mind? (3x)

Repeat first two lines (much slower)

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom cleaned the blinds in the dining room this afternoon. Today's entire corner is in relation to those blinds and us putting them back up.

Mom tries to reattach the blinds. "Why won't you fucking work?"

Mom gets frustrated with the process. "I don't even know what fucking day it is."

I'm watching the Season 3 finale of Lost in my room. I hear (during the viewing): "Shit. ... Motherfuck. ... Bitch. ... Fucking bitch."

I finish the finale (which was insane) and go back in the living room. Mom is still struggling. "Why won't this fucking stick?"

We finally put them back up, but right before they clicked into place, there was a problem. "Fuck. You fucking bastard." (At least they're clean now. Like you could tell the difference.)

DID YOU KNOW?

Did you know there' s going to be a digital transition June 12? Did you know that you and I probably won't even notice anything different? Did you know that you can save e-mails? No, really. You can totally do that. Did you know that Tyler Perry's House of Payne is the highest rated cable comedy series of all-time?

PARTING SHOT
Folks are discussing what the W. in Pierce W. Huff stands for.

Marcus: He just changed it from Womanizer.
Pierce: I wish I was a womanizer.
Marcus and JRap: Whoa. You're married.
Pierce. I meant before.

THE DAILY TOP LIST
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the return of the Guest Top List. Take it away, Lopes. Lopes' top five encounters with lower-wage female workers.

5. Wendy’s.
Freshman year at Loyola, I went to this fine establishment on Claiborne. The exchange I had with the young lady behind the counter:

Worker: Can I take your order?
Me: Umm ... yeah. I need to get three ...
Worker (cutting me off): You real cute, you know that?
Me: Oh. Thank you ... orders of chicken nuggets.

She really caught me off guard. I left without her number.

4. Circle K
Recently, I stopped at a gas station to pick up Gatorade and some meds before heading back to work. I saw a National Inquirer with Hulk Hogan on the front and picked up a copy for Gene. The lady behind the counter asked if I could get her one.

Me: Sorry, last one.
Worker: Oh, that’s OK. I was going to read that.
(Exchange about Hogan)
Me: You know she (Linda) asked for more money after he said he couldn't blame O.J. for what he did.
Worker: That bitch. If I was him I’d say, ‘Gimme my titties back. Gimme my titties and gimme my nose.’

3. Quizno’s
Went to my usual Quizno’s for a sandwich during work and had a new girl behind the counter making the sandwiches. I ask for my usual.

Me: Can I get that with light mayo and light mustard please?
Worker: Umm ... we don’t have any light mustard. Only regular.
(10-second pause)
Other worker: *Laughing* He means not a lot. Woooow.

She then messed up my order again when I asked for no lettuce, just some parmesan cheese. She put lettuce on there anyway, and I remind her that I want none. She just kept the lettuce there and wrapped it up.

I left without a sandwich.

2. Burger King
Went to the BK in Elmwood with two of my friends, who were a couple. I ordered first as they were on their way. The girl taking the order was not not not not NOT on the attractive side.

Worker: Can I take your order?
Me: Umm ... Let me get ...
Worker (asking the eternal question): Say boy ... you black or you white?! Or you mixed!?
Me: (5-second pause): Uhh ... doesn't matter. I need a #11.

I sit down with my back to the worker. The couple arrives, and the girl sits with me, facing the worker as her boyfriend orders. The worker makes eye-contact with the girl and does the "Is he with you motion?" The girl loudly replies: "Oh no. My boyfriend is up there. He’s all yours."

I sank my head and avoided that Burger King for a long time.

1. McDonald’s
During senior year after basketball games, I drove two underclassmen, Keith and Darnell, home. We usually stopped at the Mickey D’s on Franklin and St. Claude. When Keith wanted to hit on the girl in the window, however, it became our final trip there. After we pulled around after ordering but before we got to the window:

Keith: Lopes, she sounded cute.
Me: Yeah, she did.
Keith: Say bruh, tell her I wanna talk. I wanna get her number.
Me: You sure, Keith?
Keith: Yeah, man. I’m positive.

Little did we know, she was positive, too. We get to the window, and the girl had a jacket on and was standing close to the register.

Me: Excuse me, ma’am, my friend here said you sound really cute. He wants to know if he could get your number.

The girl moved back and pushed her jacket back a little bit. She was about seven months pregnant.

Keith sank so low into his seat that the bottom part of the seat belt was across his neck. We never returned.

THE GENE POOL SAYS: Loved it. Lopes could do a reality show where he just went around to fast food joints and ordered food. I'd watch this show. I actually have been present for a Lopes-lower-wage-female-worker encounter that didn't make this list.

On the way to Dallas last year for Game 3 of the Mavs-Hornets series, we stopped at McDonald's. After Lopes' order, he has this convo with the young lady worker.

Worker (in flirting voice): You want fries with that?
Lopes: Yeah. I'll take some fries with that.
Worker: Is that all you want with that?
(Lopes then changes his order.)
Worker: You just trying to stand here and talk to me more.
Lopes: Maybe.

The flirting continued through the paying process and actually held up the line. I remember her saying: "No, boy. You started it."