CHAPTER TWO. SLEEPOVER?

Where we left off: Lopes informs me that Megan kicked everyone out of her dorm Friday night, November 30, 2007, so we could be alone.

And action.

Even though I knew what Megan could have in mind for our evening, I put that idea out of my head on the drive to Loyola. My thoughts: It's only the fourth time I've seen her. Maybe she just wants us to have some peace and quiet, as her roommates had bombarded me with questions on my previous trips to the dorm.

Oh, the mind of the naive.

As soon as I arrived and sat down on the couch, Megan offered me some alcoholic concoction that she made. I don't remember the name of it, but it was strong. Hmm. Is this her way of softening me up?

Me: This tastes good.
Megan: I know. I've had two glasses. FYI, I tend to bite when I'm drunk.
Me: OK. So where is everyone?
Megan: Oh, they all went to a movie or something. They wanted me to go, but I'd rather spend time with you.
Me: I see. (Inner monologue: Liar.)

After I finished the drink, she suggested we move to her room because of the lack of room on the small couch in the living room. This made sense to me.

So, we started making out (Blink 182 has just entered my head) on her bed. Things began to get hot and heavy. My hand squeezed her left inner thigh. Our shirts came off. I was flat on my back. With her still straddling me, I sat up and went to town on her neck. I grabbed her ass.

I knew we had to slow down. I decided to suggest a walk. However, Megan had other ideas, as you may have guessed by now. As I pull my mouth off her neck, she looked deep into my eyes and said these words which have become a catchphrase for me: "When are you going to stop teasing me and fuck me already?"

Having not explained to the young lady yet that it was my preference to wait, I had to come up with an alternate plan to avoid hittin' that. My first response, however, was to take off her thong, toss that on the floor and then unbutton my pants. Not the best move when trying not to have sex.

On the outside, it looked like I was about to unvirginize myself, but on the inside, I was panicking. What the hell am I going to do? Uh-oh. She's got a hold of it. Finally, I spoke.

Me: Do you have a, um, condom?
Megan: No. You didn't bring one?
Me: Uh, nope.

This didn't seem to bother her too much, and she grabbed a hold of it again.

Me: Well, are you on birth control?
Megan: No.
Me: Then, we can't do it.
Megan: I might have some stuff.
Me: Stuff?
Megan: You know, stuff to put down there.

As Megan was digging for "the stuff" and I prayed for help, her friends returned from the movie. And some say prayers don't get answered.

Reduced back to the couch because her roommate wanted to go to bed, I thought I was safe. Whew, that was close. What if she would have found her stuff and the roommates had gone for drinks after the film? I'm glad I didn't have to find out. Actually, it wasn't over yet.

Megan: I wanted our first time to be on my bed, but I think the couch will do.
Me: You mean, this couch that everyone uses?
Megan: Yeah. That's part of the excitement.
Me: But we still don't have any protection.
Megan: You're going to let that stop us?
Me: Yeah. (Inner monologue: You're an animal.)
Megan: Fine. This wouldn't be your first time, right? How many partners have you head?
Me: Just one.
Megan: That's OK.
Me: And yourself?

I felt comfortable asking this question because based on her stories of previous boyfriends, I had estimated the number to be three or four. Not that big of a deal. Unfortunately, I didn't account for something in my calculation: sex with someone who she wasn't dating.

Megan (dramatically): It's a little higher than yours.
Me: I figured. What, like four?
Megan (dramatically): No. It's double digits.

TO BE CONTINUED ...

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom took one step outside today. "Summertime is fucking here!"

Mom is upset that Best Buy hasn't had many sales on TV shows recently. "That's what happens when you don't have any fucking competition."

Mom enjoyed the Mother Lover video on SNL but thought it should have been a sequel to their previous effort. "I thought this was going to be another Dick in the Box."

Mom had a hard time understanding the words said by the old woman in Benjamin Button. "I had to put on fucking closed caption the whole movie."

DID YOU KNOW?

Did you know that baseball players took banned substances in the 1990s and in this decade? Did you know that Manny Ramirez got suspended for taking a fertility drug? Did you know that Oprah bought everyone KFC chicken? Did you know that Justin Timberlake is a mother lover?

I DID BLOW IT
(That's what Ted said.)

Marcus read the top 15 Marcus-isms from last Thursday. And of course, he began spewing other Marcus-isms that didn't make the list. Truth is, we didn't think of them. Shame on us. There were a couple of one-worders like "Exactly" and "Riveting."

But the main Marcus-ism left off the list was "You blew it," which the Big Guy uses every time somebody either messes up or doesn't do something to completion. Marcus (to me): "You forgot, 'You blew it.' .. You blew it."

PARTING SHOT
Lopes is caught trying to look for a Web site that is denied by our SuperScout filter.

Marcus: Lopes, access denied? What you looking at over there?
Lopes: Uh, nothing.
Mike (to Lopes): Did you make those changes to the prep page?
Lopes: Oh, I didn't even know I had it.
Jelly: Yeah. You were too busy looking up access-denied sites.
Mike: It's an xx page.
Derry: He was thinking more like triple X.

THE DAILY TOP LIST
My top five snacks to eat during a ballgame. I thought of this while watching the Nuggets-Mavs game at work Monday night with nothing to munch on.

5) Chocolate
Helps with the nerves.

4) Ice cream
Tastes real good on a hot summer day at Zephyr Field.

3) Peanuts
Have to be salted.

2) Nachos
Jalapenos, please.

1) Sunflower seeds
Goes together with baseball like Andy and Justin.