I'LL REMEMBER THE DECIMAL IF I DO A SCAM.

At about 6 p.m Saturday, I made my first proof of the night. When I went to pick it up off the printer, however, I saw an error message: Paper jam. Brick approached the printer and said the same thing just happened to him.

We opened up all the sections of the printer but were unable to locate the source of the jam. Weird, I thought. We had to use the Living proofer for the rest of the night. At least I got me some exercise.

This occurrence made me think of Office Space. Duh. I kept channeling Samir the whole night: "Why does it say paper jam when there is no paper jam? I swear to God, one of these days, I just kick this piece of shit out the window." Now, I really know how he felt.

Before giving up, I opened and closed all the slots of the printer one more time, including the paper tray. The printer then processed the job. I was half-expecting it to then say, "PC Load Letter" (What the fuck does that mean?), but it read Paper jam again.

Like you probably are right now, I assumed that there was an actual paper jam, and we just weren't technologically sound enough to find it. And like you, I made an ass ... Well, you know the rest. I got an AIM message from AGG saying the same thing happened to the news section last week. They, too, failed to unearth the piece of paper causing the havoc.

The result for the news section was a new printer. Holy Toledo, maybe we'll get a new one as well. Then, we can make this Office Space parallel come full circle by taking that old piece of shit printer out back and beating it senseless with a baseball bat.

Damn, it would feel good to be a gangsta.

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom is unhappy with the temperature in the house. "I can't get the fucking chill out of here."

Mom is not enthralled with king cake season. "Your dad bought three king cakes today. It's just a fucking doughnut."

Mom looked ahead to future storylines (we're on Season 1) of Lost. "Who the fuck would want to go back to the island?" She also told me how well The Mentalist (a total Psych ripoff) is doing. "It's No. 7 in the Nielsens. They say they got a fucking winner."

Mom had a recent dentist appointment. They're finally in their new offices. "I got a full tour of the place. They have business offices in there. What the fuck they need that for?"

Mom draws a calendar for February on the back of a sheet of paper. "I can't believe I didn't get a fucking calendar this year. Not one fucking calendar. Not my Chinese one. ... Pathetic."

Mom: You see Dr. Mancuso's note?
Me: No.
Mom: It's a fuck-up. (I checked. There is a typo on it.)

THE GENE POOL DIP (I MEAN TIP) OF THE WEEK

This week's wisdom comes from the late great Kay Yow: "When life kicks you, let it kick you forward."

I love this quote. Simple and inspiring from an inspirational source. It took four spouts of breast cancer to put her down. Four. Probably because every time she got kicked by life, she adhered to her saying and gleamed positives from the experience. We can all use a little Yow in us.

Even if her looks do remind me of my third-grade reading teacher who used to grab me by the ear and pull whenever I misbehaved. I'm lucky my right ear still is attached.

PARTING SHOTS
I'm more amused than the rest of the department at this AP mistake: The moist poignant moment ...

Derry (explaining my amusement): When you're an only child, you have to find ways to entertain yourself.
Lopes: He's got a lot of experience with that.
(Short pause.)
Bake: You have to hand it to him.
Derry (to Lopes): You pumped that one right in there.
Me: Eww.

I see that the UNO women's story has been filed in e-mail.

Me (to Brick): Did you grab the UNO women yet?
Brick: No. But you may if you'd like.

Brick is checking with Lopes on his progress.

Brick: Get ready to laugh, everyone. Andrew, how's your briefs?
Lopes: Tight.
Me (to Brick): Don't worry. He's filling them out.
Brick (to Lopes): Are they still too short?
Liam: That's what she said.

Liam is looking through e-mail.

Liam: We got an e-mail in Greek.
Me: What's it say?
Liam: I don't know. It's Greek to me.

THE DAILY TOP LIST
My top five moments of January.

5) Getting my first critic.
Even though Bawb hasn't updated recently except to say that he'll update soon.

4) Hornets vs. 76ers.
Chest-bumping with Bob and almost getting kicked out by Lady Usher. Remember that if you sit in section 312, make sure not to have too much fun.

3) New Year's Eve party.
OK. So, that started in December. But there was a lot of fun to be had after midnight.

2) Volkswagen botches my oil change again.
Three strikes and you're out.

1) Gillie and Brian's wedding.
It did take four days to recap it.