FREE STUFF WANTED.

My phone rang at 5:52 p.m. at work Monday. I didn't recognize the number, but I answered it anyway. It was a Volkswagen service rep calling just to do a quick follow-up to make sure everything went smoothly with my recent appointment. Ha. (Odd that I didn't get a call like this last time.)

Service rep (assuming): So everything was to your satisfaction?

Me: Actually. No. No, it wasn't.

Service rep: Oh. What was the problem? 

Luckily, the dinner break was about to start, and I had the time to explain the happenings of Wednesday morning and afternoon. I didn't realize this until after I finished telling the story and ripping the worker I dealt with, but the service rep I was talking to was the same lady from Wednesday. Oh, situational humor. How I love thee.

Our favorite service rep then apologized again for what she keeps calling a "misunderstanding." She pleaded with me not to give her a bad review when Volkswagen sends me a survey about my service.  

Service rep: Part of my salary is based on commission from positive reviews on those surveys. 

Me: I understand. (Translation: Perhaps you shouldn't have done a poor job. )

Service rep: I'm sorry for the inconvenience. I'd hate for you to give me a bad review based on that little misunderstanding.

Me: Don't worry. I understand. (Translation: One out of 10 is a good score, right?) 

Service rep: We promise to make your next visit quick and painless.

Me: I'd appreciate that. (Translation: No fucking shit, bitch.) 

Just when I think the conversation is over, she tries to bribe me. 

Service rep: Can I offer you a free oil change?

Me: I've already paid for the next seven.

Service rep: Maybe next time you come in, I don't take your card. That way you get an extra oil change out of your package.

Me: That's a good start. 

Service rep: And whenever you want, just bring your car in for a free wash. 

Me: OK. 

She apologized one more time, and I said goodbye. I bet she didn't see that whole conversation coming when she dialed my number. Ha. Ha. Actually, I like the idea of a free car wash. I'm not too good about doing that myself. 

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My plan when I woke up Tuesday was to watch the first four episodes of the new season of 24 that aired Sunday and Monday. My mom greets me when I enter the living room. "I just watched all four hours. I can't watch 24 week to week. I got to know what the fuck happens next." (We then watch the four episodes together.)

The rest of these curses took place from 3 p.m. to 7 p.m. 

-- Before we get started, mom asks me to find the episode where Tony dies in Season 5. I get it right on the first guess. I'm fast forwarding it slowly to make sure I don't miss the death, but mom grows impatient. "You still got 30 fucking minutes left."

-- Mom is confused by the new storyline. "What business do we have stopping a fucking war in Africa?"  

-- The left stereo speaker doesn't seem to be working. "Motherfuck."

-- Mom is aghast that the president is doing her job. "How can you continue doing your fucking job when your only son was killed?"

-- Mom finds humor in the way Jack finds a missing piece for the FBI. "They been working on this for fucking nine weeks. Jack walks in and solves it. Dumb shits."

-- Mom doesn't like the way I rewind to rewatch scenes every few minutes. "It's fucking ridiculous."

-- Mom: "Are you taking notes? Oh my god. Did you put that chicken on the blog? Putting all my fucking business out there." (I convinced her I was taking notes on the show. Trust me, it's all gravy. She don't know nothing.) 

-- We see a local FOX news commercial talking about Church closings. "When are ya'll going to leave that shit alone?" (Not sure if she was talking to FOX or the parishioners.) 

-- I tell mom that 24 doesn't have any repeats and airs a new episode every week. "Good. That's the way it should be. All that bullshit with the holidays and all that fucking crap. TV wasn't like that when I was a kid."

-- Mom also said "What the fuck?" two more times. Once at a description on the new Netflix disc we got today. And the other time at a commercial for the new FOX show Lie to Me.

-- During a commercial, mom talks about Patrick Swayze. "He has lost so much weight. He doesn't look good. He's trying to fight off that fucking cancer."

 PARTING SHOT

Lopes answers the phone Monday night. He hangs up.

Lopes: Look at this. The phone just came out.

Me: It's gay?

THE DAILY TOP LIST

The top five reasons for me not to move out.

5) The comfy confines of Harahan.

You know, they say it never rains in Harahan.

4) Moving is a hassle.

I have a lot of stuff.

3) Tina's cooking.

Future top list on my favorite dishes. 

2) Rent.

Sounds expensive. 

1) The TCC.

How would any of us live without it? 

Speaking of which, here's a couple more curses from Tuesday. 

Mom is worried about me putting on weight. "When you gain it, it's a motherfucker to get off. Take it from me. You better watch yourself." 

Mom looks into my room and doesn't like what she sees. She especially doesn't like that my comforter is not properly situated on my bed. 

Mom: It's all in disarray. Do you really have to put the comforter all over the fucking place at night?

Me: I like to be comfy. 

Mom: It's fucking ridiculous.