BACHELOR PARTY 

I went to Brian's bachelor party Thursday night. It was my first bachelor party. I parked at the casino and walked to the corner of Bourbon and Iberville. The 7 p.m. dinner was at the Fire of Brazil. There's also locations in Atlanta and Dubai. 

Of the 17 other people at the dinner, I knew four. I thought Nick and Little Joe would be there, but they were not. That wasn't a big deal, though. I still had a good time. Virginians are funny.

At this Fire of Brazil joint, which looks like a mansion on the inside, they bring out the meat in waves on sticks and cut it off for you. This is a shot of the turkey. I also ate tenderloin, pork, filet, something I didn't know and beef, which was the best part. Most all the meat was pink. Not my favorite. 

Johnny delivers his best-man toast. It was short and sweet. Johnny kept ordering jack and ginger ale, until he overheard another waiter tell Brian that they were out of ginger ale. That wouldn't be the only time the staff of Fire of Brazil pulled one over on us. 

Brian gives two thumbs up to the idea of getting married. No cold feet here. Well, until we went outside and walked around in the Quarter. 

We asked him the story behind the missing tooth. Brian: "I lost it in Iraq. Yeah, I left a little piece of me over there. The theatrical story is that I caught a bullet in my mouth. It took out the tooth, but that's it. The real story is that it got knocked out playing flag football." 

I tell Tina that Brian is missing a tooth. 

Tina: Is he having an implant?

Me: You can have a tooth implant?

Tina: Yes.

Me: Oh, um, I don't know what he's doing about it. He said something about a tooth fund.

Tina: You know how much a fucking implant cost?

Me: No.

Tina: Fucking $3,500 a tooth. I wanted to get four, but that's way too much. 

After dinner, we walked down to Tropical Isle for some Hand Grenades. Bob and Nick joined us on the walk down Bourbon. How nice of them. I didn't have a Hand Grenade because vodka makes me hurl.

At dinner, one of Brian's Virginian friends asked another: What's in a Hand Grenade?

Response: A little something called 'You'll see.' 

Chuck has a little captain in him. He posed for the picture for Nick, but I was quick on the trigger and got this shot. 

Now, it's time to bitch about the dinner situation.

1) I was expecting to pay between $30 and $50. The bill was $70.72. 

2) Fire of Brazil screwed us. As we walked out, they said that one person didn't pay, and we owed $70.72. (I'm assuming nobody at the party was being a complete dick.)

3) Chuck paid the extra $70.72. That was too much of a hit, so I said we should all give him five bucks. I'm not sure how many people did this. But really the meal now cost me $75.72. 

4) I was hungry three hours later. 

5) The alcohol part of the bill had to be at least $200. There was a good deal of drinking. However, about four of us didn't drink anything. Yet, we paid an equal amount. I'm just saying.

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

I tell my mom about the dinner situation. "That's fucked up." She then expresses her sorrow for Chuck. "He's really fucked. He's got all these people staying at his house and then last night he got fucked." 

Mom questions the setup of the bachelor party. "Why didn't the best man throw a party?"

Me: He lives in Virginia.

Mom: That's fucked up. 

Mom changes her focus to the weather. "It's so fucking cold out there. Too fucking cold." She then steps outside and feels the cold. "Aw, fuck!"

Mom is frustrated with how slow her diet is working. "Fuck. I've been the same weight for a fucking month now."

I'm taking mom to the Hornets game Monday. 

Mom: Who are they playing?

Me: Pacers.

Mom: Oh, shit. ... They don't have bad teeth (Reggie Miller) anymore.

Me: He's a broadcaster.

Mom: I know. That's why nobody goes to school for that shit anymore. You have to be an athlete.

THE GENE POOL DIP (I MEAN TIP) OF THE WEEK

Our tip this week comes from our favorite retired doctor. Dr. Robert Kelso: "Look in your heart, and do whatever the hell makes you happy." 

Bob then followed his own advice. I've decided to do the same. Before I decide to do something, I will ask: Will this make me happy? If yes, I will do that thing. If no, I will not do that thing. No matter what others say. Bleep them. 

You should listen to Bob, too. Don't be miserable. Do whatever the hell makes you happy. 

PARTING SHOTS

We're watching the first quarter of the Hornets-Cavs game. 

D: Boobie! Boobie!

Lopes: D, you can't chant that in the office. 

I'm headed downstairs for dinner. 

Tommy: You going to eat?

Me: Yeah. You?

Tommy: No. Can't afford it. Got to cut back. That's the buzz word around here. 

I take a picture of Tommy. 

Anne: Did you just take a picture of me?

Me: No.

Anne: It better not show up on The Gene Pool.

Derry: Actually, if he takes a picture of you and it doesn't show up on The Gene Pool, then you have problems. 

Brick sends me back a story.

Brick: Gene, you have briefs.

Lopes: I thought he was a boxers man.

Brick: Apparently not.

Me: There is a third option, you know.

D: Thong!

THE DAILY TOP LIST

My favorite five cereal slogans.

5) They're always after me lucky charms. Lucky Charms. 

Excellently used in the Austin Powers movie. 

4) Breakfast of Champions. Wheaties.

I'm still waiting to be on the box.

3) I'm cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. Cocoa Puffs.

The cereal, not the drug act.

2) They're grrreat! Frosted Flakes.

They are. 

1) Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids. Trix. 

I always cheered for the rabbit to get some.