JOKES MIGHT BRIGHTEN THE MOOD.

This week has been one of the most boring weeks in the history of my life. If you don't count the Hornets game Monday (and that CP3 buzzer-beater), I've done absolutely nothing since the wedding. Granted, it took me like three days to recover from that thing (my eye still is a little red).

It's been wake up. Go to work. Blog. Go home. Watch some TV. Sleep. Repeat. Which is nice in a way because I haven't had to do anything. But I haven't seen anyone besides Tina and my co-workers all week. I need some excitement. Yup, it's time to rumble.

Hopefully, next week will bring more excitement. Until then, here's some jokes I've had for a while but have never shared with you. If I help write a movie some day, these are going in there one way or another.

1) Everyone knows "whatever floats your boat" and "whatever tickles your pickle." But I've been using my own version of that since like 2004. Someone says something they do that's strange, and I say: "Well, whatever juggles your bubbles."

2) Parents sit down their teenage son to explain some things. Dad sings this: The birds and the bees will bring you disease. Bring you disease.

3) Warning: This one is a little gross. A character, we'll call him Jeff, has a strained look on his face.

Friend: Hey, man. What's wrong?
Jeff: I have to go to the bathroom. (They'd be in a situation without an accessible toilet.)
Friend: Is it No. 2?
Jeff: Nope.
Friend: Oh. Then you can hold it.
Jeff: 'Fraid not.
Friend: What you mean?
Jeff: It's a No. 3.
Friend: Huh?
Jeff: No. 1 plus No. 2.
Friend: Ohhhhhhh.

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

I'm watching the first disc of Lost. The main character's name is Jack.

Me: There's too many main characters named Jack. Jack Dawson. Jack Sparrow. Jack Bauer.
My mom: Jackass.

Mom cleaned house today. "I don't want to fucking do this anymore."

Mom ventures into my back room, a room I hardly use. Enjoy the rant. "This isn't a room. It's garbage. Everything is useless. A waste of space. ... You can't touch something without it falling on you. ... You want a cassette? Take one. They're everywhere. ... Bullshit. I ain't wasting my fucking day on this shit. Fucking shit. I ain't wasting my fucking time cleaning this crap. You want it cleaned, clean in yourself. ... No fucking way."

Mom takes a break from cleaning. "What you think of Circuit City going out of business? Fucking store ain't even been open two years."

Mom's outlook of the future isn't positive for schooling. "Things are getting bad, man. You can't even afford to send your kids to fucking college. Jesus. Grammar school is fucking outrageous. Fucking ridiculous."

TV WEEK IN REVIEW

Best scene: 24. Jack is forced to shoot the FBI woman but tricks his bad guy boss by grazing her in the neck with a bullet. Classic Jack. Of course, the boss then made Jack bury her alive. I was confused by the ending. It seems as though she won't be buried deeply as the bad guys are on a timetable. Which means she should be able to escape and get treatment in time.

Yet, they gave her the silent-clock ticking treatment reserved for major deaths. What's up with that?

Other things I liked this week: 1) Jim's prank on Dwight to start The Office. Not top 5 material but pretty funny with the never-ending wire out of the computer.

2) Alec Baldwin's motivational speech to himself in the mirror: "You are a lion. Take what's yours." I shall use that.

3) The entire setup of the How I Met Your Mother episode. Cried a little at the end. I especially like the five-word-phrases-that-never-turn-out-well montage (i.e. we should buy a bar, I can jump that far).

4) House's snarky response to "Your cure is to torture him?" House: "No. Torture is the cure."

This week's rant: In a tip of the week once, I told you never to laugh at the phrase "I threw up in my mouth a little bit." Yes, that remains true. In fact, it keeps getting less funny every time I hear it. Yet, people still are laughing at this pathetic excuse for a joke. What is wrong with you people of the world?

I bring this up because twice in the past two weeks I've heard this joke. Once on Gary UnMarried (People's Choice Award for best new comedy) and the other time on Two and 4/5 Men (People's Choice Award for favorite comedy). Two and 4/5 Men (yeah, Jake keeps getting bigger) even kept the joke going. Ugh.

PARTING SHOTS
Brick brought in a king cake Saturday. No one was claiming to have got the baby.

Derry: Marcus ate so much he had a 50-50 chance of getting the baby.
Me: He'd probably put the baby back in there like he did last time.
Marcus: No. No. You're confused. I had baby-back ribs.

I'm reading about the Senior Bowl.

Me: Pat White was the MVP. He threw a TD pass to Mike Wallace.
Liam: That gives new meaning to the Senior Bowl.

THE DAILY TOP LIST
The top five reasons for me to move out.

5) To have a place to bring a girl.
Quit laughing.

4) I'd know where everything is located.
When Tina cleans up, she puts stuff in different places. That usually leaves me on a treasure hunt.

3) I can be as loud as I want.
Blare some music. Blare the TV.

2) Not being yelled at 24-7.
Except when she came to visit, of course.

1) Independence.
And everything that goes with that.