ONE OF US. ONE OF THEM.

The fourth volume of Heroes starts next Monday. Having read some recent comments by the show's creator concerning the new volume, I'm excited. The show is promising a return to its roots. As in more like Volume 1. Goodie. 

What better time than now then to do a character comparison to all the people I know who watch the show. Or at least would again if it returned to its Vol. 1 glory. Characters must currently be involved in the storyline. I don't have anyone for Sylar.  

ME: Peter Petrelli. Peter has the ability to absorb any person's power who comes near him. I have the ability to absorb any piece of information that I read. Of course, I forget a lot of stuff, much like when Peter lost his abilities. Also, we both like cheerleaders. 

MINKUS: Hiro Nakamura. Both are nerds. Both like Asian women. Both wear glasses and often push the rim back up against their forehead. Hiro had trouble holding on to the formula but eventually got it back. Minkus used to take two hours to complete a Calculus test but somehow found a way to use enough formulas to do better than me. 

BRICK: HRG. They are protective parents. HRG spends most of his time keeping Claire safe. Brick wouldn't be opposed to answering the door with a shotgun to show his daughter's date that he means business. HRG operates in shades of gray. Brick's shit-stirring puts him in that same area. 

GREG: Nathan Petrelli. Nathan started off as a lawyer and has had plans hatched for him to become president. Greg is about to finish law school, and then who knows. Plus, he came to my 24th birthday party dressed as Nathan. 

KAILA: Angela Petrelli. Angela wielded her power as the head of the company. Kaila has been known to wield her power in tackle football. Not that I would know anything about that. At all. Anyway, neither will put up with your shit. 

BERT: Mohinder Suresh. Mohinder is involved in scientific analysis, whether it be about evolution, viruses or formulas. Bert analyzes everything and often times comes up with these random scientific explanations that blow my mind. Both like to look at all sides of an argument. 

LISA: Claire Bennet.  Not first-two-volumes Claire. I'm talking third-volume and future Claire. You know, the bad ass that takes no prisoners and kills anyone in the way. Lisa's nickname at the Maroon was the Enforcer. Claire can heal. Lisa has healed from me breaking her back on numerous occasions. 

DERRY: The Haitian. The Haitian's presence prevents someone from using their power. Derry is so loud sometimes he prevents the department from looking professional. Pipe down, man. The Haitian is extremely loyal to the Petrelli family. Derry, like me, still cheers for the Cubs and the Saints. We are either loyal or brain damaged. I'm going with loyal. 

KELLY: Daphne. Daphne's power is running really fast. Kelly's mouth runs really fast. Sometimes, I miss entire sentences. Parkman has to constantly convince Daphne that she can be good, as Daphne has confidence issues. Kelly never gives herself any credit either. 

PAUL: Matt Parkman. They have a similar look. They can both read my mind. They're both a little naive and are hopeless romantics. 

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

On the next episode of Lost, Charlie is back to his snorting ways. My mom wants to know the name of the substance. Mom (to Charlie): "What the fuck are you doing?" 

Mom reads in the paper about the 28-year-old who beat the crap out of his parents (killing his dad) because he grew tired of them. "Ain't that something? He's fucking smiling, too."  

Mom almost bought a computer off QVC last night. "It was five-easy payments of $159, and it had all this shit with it. My finger was on the button."

Mom opens the mail. I don't know what she was looking at. "What the shit is this?"

Mom tells me her plans for a Miami vacation. I ask her when she wants to go. "At the beginning of the summer. I don't want to get stuck over there if a fucking hurricane comes." 

DID YOU KNOW?

Did you know that Sunday is the Super Bowl? Oh yeah. Definitely this Sunday. That's something you were already aware of? For reals? OK, but did you also know that Arizona has never been to the Super Bowl before this season? 

The Super Bowl is one of my favorite events of the year. It combines so many things I like. Football. Commercials. Parties. Tells me the Pro Bowl is coming up. 

PARTING SHOT

Bob tells me that he has some catching up to do on his Poolside Bob blog.

Me: Don't you miss being indifferent? (That's his favorite word on his blog.)

Bob: Not really. (pause.) See what I did there?

THE DAILY TOP LIST

My favorite five movie trilogies (or more).  

5) Back to the Future.

You know the third one has the Cubs winning the World Series. 

4) Die Hard.

I like the original title for the fourth one better. Die Hard 4: Die Hardest.

3) Austin Powers. 

There are only two things that scare me in this world, and one is nuclear war.  

2) Lethal Weapon.

Diplomatic immunity. ... It's just been revoked. 

1) Indiana Jones.

It's a trilogy. Ignore that crap from last year.