OK. BUT THAT'S STRIKE TWO. I WILL HAVE THIS PLACE CONDEMNED. 

Here's a list of the places and parts of town I was at/in on a busy Wednesday: Lakeside Mall, the French Quarter, Hooters, Uptown, a car dealership and the casino. I broke the material up into two days. 

Since a running diary was so successful the last time I got an oil change, I thought I'd try it again. I didn't think there would be a problem again. I was wrong. Cue the alarm clock.

8:50 a.m.: Wake up.

9:20: I lose my pen cap in between the seat and the cup holder thing in the middle. I then leave.

9:36: I arrive for my 9:30 appointment. 

9:40: I watch Obama's press conference. Did you know our country has a large deficit? The news people then talk about Roland Burris (love that name) ad nauseum. 

10:25: I'm bored out of my mind. I contemplate turning the station to ESPN, but the lady next to me looks like she might bite my head off if I do. 

10:39: That lady talks to a service rep, and another lady waiting joins the conversation.

Second lady: I was just bragging to people about the service department here.

Worker: Well, we're far from perfect, but we try.

Second lady: I haven't had any complaints. (Boy, I've got the story for her. In a few hours, I would have a second story for this lady. I didn't say anything to her, though.) 

10:40: The Dow has increased by 17 points since I sat down. It was still down 149 for the day, but I felt like I had some kind of positive power over it. 

10:42: I go outside to see if they've started on my car. I don't see it anywhere. That was hint No. 1 this wasn't going to be pretty.

10:43: Service lady at the desk (to me): Are you going to be getting picked up soon?

Me: Yeah. I'm going to leave for lunch. Why? Is my car ready?

Service lady: No. I haven't gotten it in the shop yet. (Oh, there's a fucking surprise.)

10:44: Lopes calls and says he's on his way.

11:04: I check out the snack machine and press the button for Skittles. It is not five cents. What kind of Mickey Mouse organization is this?

11:18: Lopes rolls up to the Volkswagen dealership.

11:33: I drop off my computer at the Apple store for them to repair my CD drive. The guy tells me they should call within 48 hours for me to come pick it up. 

11:44: We arrive at Hooters for Lopes to pay up his lunch bet. He bet (in like Week 3) that both NFC wild-card teams would come from the NFC East. The Cowboys blew it for him. More on our Hooters experience later.

1:05 p.m.: We leave Hooters. According to Marcus, we ate cheese sticks and curly fries. You know, because wings don't count as food. 

1:15: I have this conversation with the service lady upon returning to Volkswagen.

Me: Is my car ready?

SL (aghast): No. I haven't got it in the shop yet.

Me (after a few seconds of stunned silence): Um, what's the hold up?

SL (incredulous): You told me someone was coming to pick you up.

Me: So.

SL: So, that puts you farther back. We get to the people who stay here and wait first.

Me: But I just went to lunch.

SL: You told me you were leaving.

Me: Yeah. To go to lunch. I didn't want to sit here all day in case it took a while. I made lunch plans.

SL: Well, you told me you were leaving. You should have told me differently. 

Me (in a manner of subdued outrage): Wow. (Then mumbling.) That's twice. 

After I sat down, I remembered a conversation from when I first got there at 9:36 a.m. She asked me if I would be leaving and coming back. I said for a little while. 

1) I thought she was just making conversation and being nice. I didn't realize she was deciding where to put me in the queue. Maybe she should have said that. Then, I would have said that I wasn't leaving. When I said I was leaving, I thought that was just to let her know she might have to call to say it's ready and that I wouldn't just be sitting in the lobby for her to call me. 

2) It's now after 1 p.m. I got there at 9:36 a.m. An oil change doesn't take very long. I had a 9:30 appointment. Shouldn't I be served then? So what if I leave. When I return (at whatever time), it should be ready. Who cares if I stay or not? You come. You get in line. You get served.

How long did she think I would be gone? Even if I get put on hold for leaving, it's still been four hours, and my service hasn't started. They thought I was coming back at 5 p.m.? When did they plan on starting my service? Probably when I got back.

3) She didn't offer any f'n apology. I'm the customer, right? She tried to make it seem like it was my fault. If I would have come back at 5, do you think we have the same conversation? She thought I was going to be gone all day, but I said I was leaving for lunch several times, including as I was walking out the door. 

1:30: I bang the inside of my right knee against the wooden table. Figures.

1:31: Great. The Dow is down 245 for the day. I take a lunch break, and look what happens.

1:35: The TV tells me that Joe the Plumber is going to the Middle East. Are you f'n kidding me? By the way, HIS NAME IS JOEEEEEEEEEEE!

1:43: Service lady: We have to replace your horn, so it will be another 45 minutes to an hour.

Oh, yah. That's another thing. It wasn't just an oil change. I told them when I arrived that the horn was broken. That really gets my goat. If I had been gone all day and got back at like 5, they never would have finished everything. So, the service lady knew it was more than an oil change, and she still put other people (with later appointments) behind me.

After my complaining conversation with her at 1:15, the service lady moved me to the top of the list. Like she was doing me a bleeping favor.

1:52: I notice this poster hanging in the lobby.

Really? Every kid on the team is named Brandon? Really? And they put their names on the front of their jerseys? Really? And they celebrate for just showing up for the game? Really? 

1:55: I walk outside. The service lady gives me a look. I see that they are working on my car because the hood is up in the shop.

2:04: The smell is really starting to get to me. The two coffee pots permeating the room were mixing with something wretched, which was bad enough bad itself. If I were trying to be hysterical by naming something wretched (like in a movie), I would say it smelled like triplets had just been changed. 

2:07: A Best Buy geek squad guy asks the service lady if his car will be ready soon because his appointment was at 12:30. Ha. Ha. Ha. 

2:11: I look out the window to see that a technician is struggling with putting my wheel back on.

2:16: Tina calls. Tina: What are you doing?

Me: Waiting.

Tina: On your car?

Me: Yeah.

Tina: Oh my god. It's just a fucking oil change. How long can it take? A monkey can do an oil change. I told you to sell the rest of the fucking book (of already-paid-for-appointments) back to them and take the car somewhere else. 

2:30: How many Volkswagen technicians does it take to screw on a wheel? Apparently, three.

2:31: The Dow has gained four points back. I'm magic I tell you.

2:54: We do the paperwork. There was no charge to replace the horn. Awesome. Plus, the service lady apologized for the confusion earlier. I'll take it, I guess. 

3:07: My car is pulled to the front. This time it took 5 1/2 hours for the whole process. Last time was more than 10 hours. So, they almost cut their time in half. Well done.

3:08: I examine under the car to make sure there is no oil leak like last time and leave. 

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

I tell my mom the whole car story when I get home. "So, when you leave, they're just like, 'Fuck you?' "

Mom asks me if I got mad at them or just let them walk all over me. 

Me: Let me read you my notes.

Mom: You took notes?

Me: Yes.

Mom: Oh. So you can put them on the fucking blog. 

Mom can't get over Volkswagen messing up again. "What the fuck difference does it make if you stay or leave? And then you didn't get home until 3:fucking:30."

The mail comes. 1) "I get all kinds of ads from Marlboro. I don't get shit from Kool."

2) "I can't believe they (the mailman) didn't take my fucking (Netflix) disc. What he thought it was out there for decoration?" 

3) Mom looks at a savings account statement. "Where the fuck do I keep these?" (She found them.)

I tell mom about our Hooters waitress. 

Mom: Were they real?

Me: I guess.

Mom: You can't tell? Fucking Jake (the 3/4 in Two and 3/4 Men) can tell.

I'm watching TV, but mom keeps talking to me. 

Mom: Oh, we can't talk.

Me: We just did for 15 minutes.

Mom: Yeah. About your fucking blog. Why is the Nip/Tuck that just came out divided into parts 1 and 2?

Me: I don't know, mom.

Mom: Oh, I'm sorry. I just thought since you know so much about fucking TV that you would know about this.

I'm watching a special on Dwyane Wade. "Look at those fucking diamonds in his ear. I bet they're 10 fucking karats." 

HI. MY NAME IS MANDY. 

Lopes and I had quite the waitress at Hooters for lunch Wednesday. She was hyper, talkative, full of quotes, a bit flirty, kind of a skank, a tad too personal, a jokester and incredibly hot.

Lopes orders a root beer. She tells him they have Barq's. He says fine. "Good. It has bite, you know." Then, she gives us the special of the day. "Our fish special is the Mahi-Mahi. ... No. I'm just kidding. What do ya'll want?" Later, she passes by our table and gives me a cold stare. "What are you looking at? Wanna fight about it?" 

Waitresses keep telling me their life stories. Mandy grew up in St. Charles but recently moved to Metairie and loves it. She's just met so many new friends. Her roommate is another waitress there, and it was her birthday Wednesday. 

Mandy was in charge of the party, but she didn't have the needed karaoke machine until a regular came in and let her borrow his. The karaoke machine was supposed to be a surprise, but the birthday girl found out. She stops by our table and says: "She can't hind anything from me." 

Mandy has been single for two months exactly. She broke up with him and loves being single. He sent her a picture on New Year's Eve of another girl sucking his dick to make her jealous. She thought about retaliating with a guy friend but didn't. 

Mandy: "Most of my friends have little packages, anyway."

Lopes: "Really?"

Mandy: "Yeah. That's why they are my friends." 

I almost forgot my favorite line of the afternoon by her: "I never thought I could meet so many people until I took this job. I just walk around, show my boobs and meet people."

Mandy, who has five tattoos, says she used to be wholesome. But right now, she's just trying to stay out of trouble. In the middle of lunch, she sits down at our booth and gives us a demonstration, with an accompanying story, using a tooth pick. 

She cracks the tooth pick in the middle. Not in half. Just cracks it. She then puts the two dangling halves next to each other and says this represents a virgin who couldn't spread for her man on their wedding night. 

The couple went to a doctor who tells her to bend her knees. So, Mandy cracks each half of the tooth pick in the middle and puts the pick back down on the table in the same position as before. It spreads open a little bit. 

The doctor then says to point her toes. Mandy cracks both ends of the tooth pick and puts it back on the table in the virgin position again. She lets go, and it spread open a little more than the first time. 

The couple is about to give up when the doctor whispers to the man that he needs to lick it a bit to loosen the girl up all the way. Mandy takes the tooth pick, puts it in her mouth, moves it around some and removes it. She places it on the table in the same position once again. The tooth pick slowly spreads all the way. THIS REALLY HAPPENED. 

Which led me to this question: How the frick does somebody come up with this in the first place? We tipped her 20 percent. 

PARTING SHOT

Marcus asks me Tuesday if I'm going to pursue my favorite waitress at Fox & Hound.

Me: No. She has two kids.

Marcus: She could have a third one if you get with her.

Tommy: And he'd probably be the youngest.

THE DAILY TOP LIST

The top five songs I listen to to get pumped up

5) Real American. Rick Derringer.

If you hurt my friends, then you hurt my pride. I got to be a man, I can't let it slide. And the Hulkster never did. 

4) Papercut. Linkin Park. 

We used to blast this before soccer games senior year. 

3) 'Till I Collapse. Eminem.

If it's good enough to get Michael Phelps pumped, it's good enough for me. 

2) My Way. Limp Bizkit.

Makes me want to keep going with a workout. 

1) Heart of a Champion. Nelly.

Never underestimate the heart of a champion.