I woke up at 10 a.m. Monday afternoon and decided to head out to the Shrine on Airline to see my first Zephyrs game of the season. Well, four innings of a game anyway. It was hot. Plus, I was by myself, and the score was 6-1 after five innings.
Don't worry, though. It's not like I wasted any money. I parked at LaSalle Park for free and walked 12 minutes to the stadium. Then, I employed my secret trick (I can't tell you it in writing; I might whisper it to you) to enter free of charge.
Was it my imagination or did they increase parking to $5 at Zephyr Field? It used to be $3. Then, I think the cheapest ticket is $6. So, I saved $11, minus the $1.50 I spent on sunflower seeds at the game. The guy at the concessions stand tried to sell me his friend for $2.
It was pretty hot out there. The 200 people that showed up all sat in the shade. I went farther down to the fifth row for three innings. Got a little sunburn for my effort. It's also nice to see the security guard was manning his post. Open sesame.
After the second inning, they had the Boudreaux-chases-a-kid-around-the-bases segment of the show. Even though he cut the corner at third, Boudreaux didn't come close to catching Dominic, who has already touched home and disappeared out of the shot.
I was watching a Round Rock guy take his warm-up swings when he accidentally let go of the bat. The bat soared high in the air and traveled over and across the dugout before crashing down on the lap of an older couple, who never saw it coming, in the fifth row.
In the picture, the husband, dark green shirt with cap, walks over and demands to know who threw the bat at him, not realizing it was the guy in the on-deck circle. Before he could officially cause a scene, security came and escorted him and his wife away.
Ironically, they returned to their seats a few innings later when the same guy was back in the on-deck circle. I tried to use my persuasive powers over the universe to make him let go of the bat again, but my powers proved useless.
Meet Round Rock's Mark Saccomanno. He is the player who lost control of the bat that hit the older couple, who appeared to be OK. Mark is a douche bag.
Mark watched the bat's trajectory as it left his hands. He saw it hit two people in the stands. Did he go over there to see if they were all right? No. Did he offer to sign a bat for them? No. Did he own up to it when the husband came over barking at the dugout? Nope. Nothing like that either.
He kind of ducked out of the way from the husband and then took his at-bat. He was like a group of 10-year-olds who break a neighbor's window playing ball and then scatter every which way when the neighbor comes to check on the noise. I hear he hates puppies, too.
This is Jai Miller, my new favorite Zephyrs player! Dude just looks like a ballplayer with every motion he makes. I could tell as soon as he came up for his first at-bat in which he promptly smacked a single to right-center.
On his second at-bat, he guided a pitch away down the right-field corner for a run-scoring double. I was totally sold. And even more so after reading this feature on him.
A Zephyrs guy hit a two-run double down the left-field line while shattering his bat. A piece of it stuck the landing halfway to third. Pretty cool.
With 200 people in the crowd (officially announced as 2,000), Boudreaux had plenty of time to meet every fan. He had some fun with the one group of kids at the ballpark, snatching a hat and hanging it off his right ear.
This scene was pretty funny as the kid, not pictured, demanded Boudreaux return his cap, only to see Boudreaux pretend like he didn't know where it was. The kid responded by punching Boudreaux smack on the face. And then in the gut two times, as Boudreaux was handing him the hat back. Oh, kids these days.
Fun notes
1) The Zephyrs have a player named Gookie Dawkins. But the real fun part is hearing the announcer call his name as he strides to the plate. The announcer says it as if introducing the next stripper taking the stage. "Put your hands together for Goo--kie Daw---kins."
2) I went into a sneezing fit (this happens often) and stumbled to the bathroom. Special thanks to the kind lady who pointed out I was in the women's bathroom after three steps in.
3) There's a T-P billboard on the scoreboard in center field. It says: "The T-P: We Deliver Great News." How about that? I didn't know we had that slogan.
4) When I first arrived at the game in the second inning, I was standing at the top of a section. Two guys, who were looking at their tickets and mumbling a row number, ask me for directions to Section 121. They thought I worked there.
I felt like saying: "Dudes. There ain't nobody here. Sit wherever the fuck you want."
5) There was more Cubs gear, including my T-shirt, at the game than every other team combined. What a city!
THE TINA CURSING CORNER
I tell my mom that I left after the fifth inning. "Baseball is so boring. Pitch. Wait. Wait. Wait. Pitch. Nothing. Falling asleep. Pitch. Wait. Wait. Wait. Oh, I got to go to the bathroom. Bam! Fucking hits the ball. You sit around and nothing happens, and then you get up, and there's fucking contact."
Mom talked to the air conditioner man today about adding another vent in her bedroom. Mom thought he was avoiding her since the last time they talked, but she just got buried on his list. "He was setting up a couple in their new house. Set up all the copper. Went back the next day, and somebody stole it. You know, you read about it all the time. It's like fucking diamonds."
Mom starts her car and comes back inside as the car cools down. "Motherfuck! If you ain't got your shit done by 1, 2 o'clock, fucking forget about it."
We put out all my old shirts (actually 35 of them) on the doorstep today for the Veterans to come pick them up. At 2 p.m., the box was still sitting there. "When they coming to pick this shit up?"
The Bold and the Beautiful ends, and I explain to mom how it should have ended. There was more drama in my version. I ask mom if she likes my idea. "I don't know. It's fucking Monday."
We watched the return of Million Dollar Password. One of the contestants can speak five languages. Mom is impressed. "She can get a fucking job everywhere." (Well, not in countries that don't speak one of her five languages.)
DID YOU KNOW?
(Editor's note: This is my favorite edition of this segment so far.)
Did you know that Jon and Kate have eight kids? Did you know that you can give a new car back if you lose your job? Did you know that LeBron didn't talk to the media after being eliminated in Game 6 the other day? Did you know that Leno is out and Conan took over The Tonight Show tonight? Did you know that the Lakers are playing the Magic in the NBA Finals? Did you know that hurricane season started today?
PARTING SHOT
I'm struggling to make my headline fit for a story in the Money (yes, the Money) section. Bake assists.
Bake: Why don't you add Jones (after Dow)?
Me: I can do that?
Bake: Why not?
Me: I thought it'd be like saying Tulane Green Wave in a headline.
THE DAILY TOP LIST
My favorite five games to play at an arcade.
5) Any racing game.
As long as it's not too complicated. I just like to go fast and stuff.
4) Street Fighter II.
Used to play the shit out of it at Pizza Hut on Clearview.
3) Ms. Pac-Man.
Takes too many quarters to get to the end, though.
2) Basketball.
I played this so much at Dave & Buster's in Houston that my arm had an intense, shooting pain that night for three hours.
1) Air hockey.
I've been telling Tina we need one in the dining room.
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