I HAVE NOT BEEN ASKED TO MODEL

Last night, I googled my name to see what would come up. Besides my wikipedia page and accolades I've accumulated, a Web site appeared at the bottom of the first page of results that jumped out at me. It was gene.guillot.free.fr/

I'm not kidding. This is a real Internet page. I researched it thoroughly, but you should check it out for yourself. It's a site of a French sculptor. The sculptures are mostly nudes. This is my favorite. I call it fat naked man/woman with head turned backward.

I show Tina the name of the Web site and the French writing. Tina: What the fuck?!

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom got mad because her new hair color made her look like Bozo. She went back today to make the hairdresser transform the color to auburn red. 

Me (waking up): You already went?

Mom: If you can't tell the difference, you're fucking blind. 

Mom is struggling getting an earring in her ear. "Motherfucker! ... Come on, Tina. Just take the motherfucker out." 

Mom is pissed at me. Mom: You have yet to try on two things I bought for you.

Me: It's been an hour since I got up. 

Mom: I don't give a shit!

(I tried them on right after.)

Mom still is struggling with the earring. "Did I really do that? Yup. For crying out fucking loud. Motherfuck. You know you can't do that. Fuck. Motherfuck me!" 

Mom looks at our Fleetwood Mac tickets. She can't believe the service charge for two tickets. "Almost 21 fucking dollars." 

Mom and I discuss the mother who allowed her 3-year-old to ingest cocaine. "Didn't even give her baby its fucking medicine. Probably lost her fucking job and got with the wrong fucking man. I bet if she went to fucking Dominican it wouldn't be in there." 

Mom says the crack momma needs to go to a clinic. "They have a fucking clinic for everything but smoking." 

I'm watching the Tonight Show. Mom looks at Conan. "I bet he never has stepped foot in a fucking gym." 

THE GENE POOL DIP (I MEAN TIP) OF THE WEEK

If you send out an official memo or post a sign in your office, please make sure to proofread. Otherwise, you make mistakes like this one I saw at work Wednesday.

So, if I get to the conference room at 4:599, I can still get my health screening? Nice. Oh, wait. I'm not eligible for one of those. Right. 

CHAMPIONSHIP-ROUND BOUND 

-- Two gaffes by ESPN. At the beginning of the broadcast, an announcer says that LSU is the only undefeated team left in the CWS. Uh, Texas hasn't lost. During the rain delay, they had this across the ticker: You are watching Arkansas vs. LSU from Wednesday. In fact, it was Arkansas vs. Virginia. 

-- Love all the Green Day songs being played as ESPN goes to and returns from commercial during the CWS.

-- With all the talk about Ranaudo coming back strong from Gibbs, Mainieri and Ranaudo leading into Friday's game, there was no way he wouldn't have a good game. I think he found his good breaking ball at the zoo. Maybe he nabbed it from one of the tigers. 

-- Can we all agree to stop complaining about Blake Dean?

PARTING SHOT

Jelly went to Izzo's Wednesday night. She gives a proof back to Marcus. 

Marcus (to Jelly): You got some burrito juice on here. 

Me: That's what they call her on the street. 

THE DAILY TOP LIST

The top five players I didn't like on one of my favorite teams.

5) Christian Laettner. 

He looks so out of place on my Dream Team poster in my room. 

4) Jarrett Lee. 

LSU quarterback had the term pick-six renamed in his honor.

3) Kevin Orie.

Cubs third baseman ruined Kerry Wood's no-hitter. 

2) Terrell Buckley.  

Played for Saints and Dolphins. It's bad when your nickname is Tesucky. 

1) Devin "Money" Brown. 

Please, for the love of our bench, cut him.