CLEAN UP. AISLE ONE.

Dinner was a mess Thursday night. Literally.

While talking at the dinner table with Derry about Randy Johnson's 300th victory, I ask Brick, who is in line, to order me chicken fingers and fries. Or as we call it in sports, a No. 1.

Brick: Can't. They turned off the grease for the evening.
Me: Are you serious?
Brick Yup.

Well, no big deal. I actually brought some lasagna for dinner and had changed my mind to a No. 1. I grab the lasagna from my bag while I finish laughing about how the umpire saved the 300th win by calling a third strike on Adam Dunn on a ball that was at his ankle.

As I pass the register on the way to the microwave, I lose my grip on the container, and the lasagna makes a splat on the floor. A little bit stayed in the Tupperware.

Six napkins later, I had removed all traces of lasagna from the cafeteria floor. Bruce, a longtime reporter, is standing right there buying his usual six dinners. Bruce (dryly): "Cleaner than it's ever been."

After I finished heating up the leftover lasagna, cafeteria worker Mrs. Joyce (OK, I didn't know her name until Thursday) offered to get me something on the house for my troubles.

Me: No, you don't have to do that. I can eat what's left.
Mrs. Joyce: It's no problem. I feel bad for you.

Eventually, I gave in and ordered a turkey sandwich with a pickle. I couldn't believe such an act of kindness. I didn't think it was necessary, but she was so courteous and eager to help, I couldn't resist. I ate both the lasagna and the turkey sandwich.

Before leaving the cafeteria, I went up to Mrs. Joyce and thanked her one last time.

Mrs. Joyce: Don't even mention it.
Me: Next time, I'll have everybody just throw their food on the floor.
Mrs. Joyce: I don't think that will work.

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom asks me if you can get to California from Mexico. I tell her that's the route of some drug trafficking. Mom: "Yeah. They dig fucking trenches. No. What do you call them? Holes underground.
Me: Tunnels.
Mom: Yeah. Fucking tunnels. That's what this season of Weeds is about.

Mom opens a can of pineapples. Then, she cuts her hand on it. "You can't grab a can like that, you stupid ass."

On the last episode of the third disc of Season 4 of Lost: "What the fuck's Jack's dad doing there?"

JOURNEY TO A CHAMPIONSHIP
We follow the reactions of longtime fans Phil and D as they watch the Lakers march to their 15th title. Thursday's Game 1.

1) I tell D that Jameer Nelson is in the game.
D: "I hope he dies." Then, later. "I wish he'd just fucking ..."

2) We tell Phil that the Lakers are winning by 27.
Phil (mad): "Jesus! ... Shit. I can't believe I'm working and not seeing this. The one time you can enjoy a game and not worry, ..."

3) D is watching the fourth quarter.
D (after a Lakers turnover): "Come on, man! Who's he passing to?"
Someone: "D, they up by 25."

PARTING SHOT
We're talking about my life.

Liam: What does your mom do?
Me: Well, uh.
Jelly: She's a stay-at-home mom.

THE DAILY TOP LIST
The top five things I get made fun of for.

5) Being young/short.
A big hit at the office, especially with Marcus.

4) Not having a girlfriend.
If I had a nickel for every time I heard, "Gene, when are you getting married?"

3) Corny jokes.
I make a lot of them. Some funny. Some not so much. In high school, whenever they weren't funny, David would say: "Go kill yourself." Or sometimes he'd just point his fingers at his mouth and make a gun noise.

2) Never having heard of somebody.
This happens all the time at work when co-workers talk about days gone by.

1) My singing voice.
Universally disliked.