IF I WERE A CELEBRITY ...

and Twittered all the time to keep my dozens ... and dozens of fans updated, this is what my twitter page would look like today.
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Just woke up. That's the first time I've gotten up past noon in almost three weeks. New streak starts tomorrow!
12:35 p.m. June 16th from txt

I really like sleeping with my comfy Dolphins blanket!
12:41 p.m. June 16th from txt

Watching Raw as I get ready for the day. Donald Trump now owns Raw. What the fuck?
1:03 p.m. June 16th from txt

Just got a text message from Nick. He's leaving the country? Who knew? Bring me back some waffles, buddy.
2:12 p.m. June 16th from txt

I'm making a smoothie. Tina tells me to add liquid. Me: Milk is liquid. Tina: No shit.
2:43 p.m. June 16th from txt

OMG, ya'll! Conan is so funny in his taped skits. The Fonz at a urinal. LMAO!
3:02 p.m. June 16th from txt

Tina and I just planned a vacation in Florida for next month. It's gonna be awesome!
3:37 p.m. June 16th from txt

Sosa is innocent! He's being framed. He failed a 2003 test, my ass. Slammin' Sammy forever.
4:18 p.m. June 16th from txt

The new-look cafeteria here at work SUCKS! Chips, salads and popcorn is not a cafeteria. They might as well just shut it down.
5:57 p.m. June 16th from txt

Even Bake thought my unpublished death joke was uncalled for. That's bad.
6:28 p.m. June 16th from txt

The new reporting intern is cute, though she looks 18. Danny assures me she is, in fact, 24.
7:51 p.m. June 16th from txt

I started a saying once but couldn't figure out how to finish it. It starts: Life is full of little disappointments, ... Any thoughts on how it should end?
8:34 p.m. June 16th from txt

Could totally use a beer right now. Or a shot. Does this CWS game really need to take this long?
9:12 p.m. June 16th from txt

I'm the last one left in the building working. THE POWER IS MINE! ALL MINE! Ha. Ha. Ha.
10:59 p.m. June 16th from txt

Finished with today's Gene Pool! Off to watch Episode 9, Season 5 of Lost. Almost caught up.
11:28 p.m. June 16th from txt

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom and I are talking about weight lost. "If you wake your ass up a fucking hour earlier every day, you could go running and work that shit off."

Mom doesn't understand how people on the Biggest Loser can exercise for six hours a day. "Then, what do you do when you get home? You're fucked."

Mom and I made some smoothies today. "Take a look at the fucking bananas. I got 'em from Winn Dixie, and they're huge."

PARTING SHOT
Sosa took steroids in 2003, reports say.

Me: Is it true they have him recorded as saying, 'Steroids have been berry berry good to me.'?

THE DAILY TOP LIST
My favorite five hosts of any type of show.

5) Craig Ferguson.
A hidden gem in the middle of the night.

4) Bozo the Clown.
Always wanted to play the Grand ... Prize ... Game!

3) Stephen Colbert.
And that's the word.

2) Regis Philbin.
Talk show, game show, the man can do it all.

1) Conan O'Brien.
So far so funny on the Tonight Show for CoCo.