WHAT LIES IN THE SHADOW OF THE STATUE?

On Tuesday night, I finished a six-month project of watching every episode of Lost for the first time. I'm not sure where it goes on my top TV show list, but it's somewhere high. We'll have to let it settle in a little while longer before deciding.

After 100-plus episodes, however, it's time to do a Lost comparison to the folks in The Gene Pool World. What did one snowman say to the other? Probably something about getting to it.

MINKUS: Daniel Farraday. Minkus would be the only person I know who could pretend to understand all that craziness in Daniel's little book. I think Minkus could also send his brain back in time.

ME: Miles. We're both noted for our sarcastic wit that doesn't always go over well with others.

JAUBERT: Jack. The only two people I've ever come across who laugh at every question. Of course, Jaubert laughs at statements, too. Whatever.

GILLIE: Penny. Penny didn't give up hope of reuniting with Desmond while he disappeared on a boat for three years. Gillie has gone long stretches with Brian out on a boat somewhere.

BRIAN: Michael. I've watched them both build ships of sorts. Granted, Brian's was of the pirate variety. I'm also sure Brian would fearlessly run into the unknown jungle for a worthy cause.

TINA: Ana Lucia. Me: Ma, which Lost character do you relate to?
Tina: Ana Lucia. She's a badass.

BRICK: Ben. Ben took out an entire colony to become leader. Brick is all about revolution. They both know how to use your words against you. Though, Brick could kick Ben's ass.

LISA: Juliet. If there's two people who could survive a nuclear bomb explosion inside a well, it's Lisa and Juliet. Disaster has been known to follow them around.

PAUL: Locke. Locke thinks he has some weird connection to the island and slavely presses a button for it. Paul loved the idea of the button and thinks he has some connection with the universe that lets him know its mysteries.

DICK CLARK: Richard. Both never age. Sorry, I couldn't help myself.

JACOB: Jacob. They have the same name and similar facial hair. They also got that fire.

LOPES: Mr. Eko. Mr. Eko was a priest and built a church to help give Charlie a lesson about redemption. Lopes is about to be a religion teacher. He will not be supplying his students with heroin, however.

AMANDA: Kate. Both have gotten away with murder. Oh, wait. I wasn't supposed to ever talk about that night again. Don't worry, Freckles. Cops don't read this.

ALLEN: Sayid. Sayid fought in the Gulf War. Allen has been to Iraq on two occasions. So what if they were on opposite sides. They both have racked up a few kills as well.

JENNA-LITTLE JOE: Sun. Jin. I would like to think that Jenna and Joe's love would also last if they suddenly realized they were 30 years apart due to time travel.

BERT: Hurley. Mellow. Dudes. Friendly. Curly hair. Like to eat.

KELLY: Libby. Libby is a psychiatrist, and Kelly deals with special-ed kids. Sure, it's a stretch, but this one happened by default as a result of their instant attraction to Bert/Hurley.

CHUCK: Desmond. Desmond used to live in a hatch and press a button every 108 minutes. Chuck used to live in the Maroon office and did actual work every 108 minutes. Both have been known to try and drink away their problems.

GREG: Charlie. Charlie, who plays the guitar, is in a well-known rock band. Greg, last I heard, was trying to learn the guitar to impress the ladies. Now, if only we could get Greg to stop being a drug addict.

BOB: Sawyer. At first, they might give you a harsh nickname (Pillsbury to Hurley; Suck to Chuck), but before you know it, you're best friends.

BAKE: Bernard. Wise-old men. I think Bake would be jealous of Bernard's current set-up.

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom chimed in on the death of the King of Pop. "It's sad. Fucking heart attack at 50. How can somebody be such a genius and then lose it? He sold so many fucking records. Greatest selling album of all-time. And then gone."

Then, a few minutes later. "He sold 750 million fucking records. Not many people can say that."

Mom also had some things to say about that other death Thursday. "Sold a million copies of that poster. That's a lot of fucking copies. Every boy had that on his fucking wall. She lived with that fucking shit for three years."

I ask mom if she wants to hear some Michael jokes, but she think I mean Farrah jokes. "You can't make fun of that. She had fucking anal cancer."

Mom calls to order our seafood lunch from Bobby's. "Jesus. They ain't answering the fucking phone. (Hangs up.) Bullshit. Bull-fucking-shit." (They answered on the next call.)

Mom took note of a recent movie's success. "You see Transformers made over 60 fucking million Wednesday?"

Mom is still mad about me dropping the cake Tuesday. "There's cake on the counter. Jesus. I can't get rid of this fucking cake. It's everywhere."

THE GENE POOL DIP (I MEAN TIP) OF THE WEEK

If someone has sores on her face, looks like she's on something and acts completely crazy, she's probably a drug addict. Kelly learned this the hard way this week.

On the front page of Friday's paper, there's a story about a teacher from Kelly's school getting arrested for running a crystal meth lab. I call Kelly to find out if she knew the chick. Turns out, she was Kelly's assistant.

Me: Did you see this coming?
Kelly: I should have. I thought she was on pain pills or something. I didn't know she was on fucking crystal meth.

Tina's thought: How the fuck she pass a drug test?

PARTING SHOTS
Beth and Marcus are discussing the legacy of Michael Jackson.

Marcus: Gene's been to Neverland Ranch. He didn't do him nothing.
Beth: Yeah, he went. And look how he turned out.

I ask D if he's going to see the Three Stooges movie.

D: No. There's only one Three Stooges.
Marcus: Actually, there's three of them.

I think watching track and field events is boring.

Me: Who is your favorite pole vaulter of all-time?
Liam: Pippi Longstocking. That bitch could get up.

THE DAILY TOP LIST
The top eight reasons that Heroes and Lost are similar. I encourage you to watch the other one if you're only watching one.

8) Storytelling.
They both always end To Be Continued. And the end of the first scene (before the name of the show is shown) is a little bit of a cliffhanger. Most important is the use of flashbacks. Lost does it with every episode while Heroes uses full episodes to fill in the gaps.

7) All in the family.
It seems that somehow everyone ends up being related.

6) Abilities.
Some of the powers are the same. I won't tell you which ones.

5) Damsel in distress.
Both involve the main characters trying to save hot girls named Claire.

4) Equal seasons.
Lost Season 5 and Heroes Season 1 are ridiculously similar. Circular time travel. Attempts to change the future. Trying to blow stuff up to save the world.

3) Conversation pieces.
I could sit down with you and talk about either show for hours on end.

2) Wait for it.
If something confuses you, it almost always ends up being explained a few episodes or seasons later.

1) Characters.
At the heart of both of these mystical shows is a group of everyday characters who didn't ask to be in the situation they are put. The development of these characters is what really makes each show special.