AN ODE TO JENNY McCARTHY

On the scoreboard page every day, we run the latest line (or the line for short) to appease the multitude of gambling addicts in the city. The problem is sometimes we don't receive the latest line until the next morning and can't run it in the paper.

The author of the latest line is J. McCarthy. After Liam and I realized that not having the line on time was happening consistently, we started calling the author Jenny McCarthy for fun. So every time it isn't there in time now, we surmise that she was out partying the night before and couldn't write it in time.

A few weeks ago, Liam requested a brief song about Jenny to the tune of Jenny. Here goes.

Jenny I didn't get your line (Jenny I got your number)
I need it for my page (I need to make you mine)
Jenny please update the line (Jenny don't change your number)
Spreads 6 to 7 or 3 or 9 (867-5309 - four times)

Jenny Jenny you went on a drinking spree (your the girl for me)
You don't know me, but you make me so angry (you make me so happy)
You were partying all night at the Palms in Vegas (I tried to call you before but I lost the nerve)
Your hangover made us miss our line, that's outrageous (I tried my imagination but I was disturbed)

Repeat chorus

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom and I are discussing the change of girlfriends for Hugh Hefner. "I don't know how he does it. But he keeps getting that young pussy."

Mom thinks it's hot right now. "It don't matter what time it is. It's fucking hot at 6:30 a.m."

We're reading the arrest reports in Saturday's paper. Marilyn Marie Stokes, 52, was arrested in Harahan and booked with possession of derivatives of coca leaves. "What the fuck is that?"

Mom can't get over Michael Jackson's success. "He sold 750 albums. That's a lot of fucking albums. Who else can say that?" (Uh, the Beatles and Elvis.)

PARTING SHOTS
I read from the police reports about a 53-year-old woman getting arrested for prostitution in Metairie.

Sandy: That's nasty.
D: She should have retired by now, huh?
Liam: As Pierce would say, 'She's got to eat.'

D has some praise for me.

D: Gene is outstanding.
Marcus: Like an overdue bill.

THE DAILY TOP LIST
The top five players on one of my teams that I didn't like at all, but eventually they grew on me.

5) Lance Moore. Saints.
One year he faircatches every punt and the next he's our leading receiver.

4) Luis Scola. Rockets.
Spent most of his first season as the clueless guy with funny hair on the bench and now he's our most consistent player with cool hair.

3) Ryan Dempster. Cubs.
Liam and I nicknamed him Dumpster he was so bad. Last year, he earned the right to start Game 1 of a playoff series. I'm ignoring his stats this season.

2) Ricky Williams. Dolphins.
Quit on us, and then five years later came back with an upbeat attitude and contributed.

1) Danny Green. Tar Heels.
Absolutely couldn't stand him when he was a freshman. Wanted him to permanently be on the bench and cringed when he took a shot. By this season, I wanted him taking plenty of shots and realized he was our best all-around player.