THE DAILY TOP LIST

The top five stories I've never mentioned on here. 

5) First wreck.  

In April of 2002, I was driving to Cici's pizza on Airline to meet David and Paul after finishing an exam. I look over and notice I'm passing up the joint. When I put my eyes back on the road, I'm forced to slam my brakes as a red light is up ahead and a car is stopped mere feet from me. 

I didn't break quite in time, and I feel the nudge of my car meeting bumper. It was freaky because it was my first accident, and it was my fault. I was hoping that it could just be forgotten, especially when I got out of my car to observe no damage to the other car, save a minor scratch caused by my front Cubs license plate. 

Unfortunately, the lady wasn't happy about the incident. She actually called the police seconds after contact. So, my plea for us to handle it by ourselves a few minutes later was in vain. 

Me: But there's no damage. I barely felt anything.  

Her: You, young man, have ruined my day. I have appointments to get to, and now I have to deal with this mess. 

Did I mention she complained of neck pain the entire time? This led to a two-year court process (and a strike against my insurance, eventually ruined by my second wreck). I had several phone conversations with various agencies and lawyers explaining what happened. They took pictures of both of our undamaged cars. 

She wore a neck brace to court (I almost was called in but wasn't) and sued for $100,000. In the end, it was settled out of court, and all she got was her bogus doctor bills paid. 

The worst part is the cops didn't need to be called, and without that ticket, I would never have been put on the dangerous driver list and seen my insurance skyrocket past the Milky Way. 

4) Paul-Minkus BFF. 

At the end of my relationship with Regina, Minkus had started dating her Asian friend. Paul and I refer to Regina, Minkus, his girlfriend and three others as the group. 

Basically, they outcasted Paul (they whip creamed his car and added cherries) for reasons I never understood. When I broke up with Regina in April of 2002, I was also out of the group. Darn. 

Toward the end of the summer, Minkus got dumped by his girlfriend and kicked out of the group, symbolized by pictures (left on his car) of a teddy bear he gave to the Asian being blended. You read that right. Minkus and I became quick friends again after this and hung out a lot freshman year. 

However, Paul and Minkus (Paul would be Minkus' best man) didn't reunite. Both were stubborn about the past and then got caught up with being in college. They didn't speak until I tricked them into a reunion at Blockbuster in early summer of 2003, more than a year after they last spoke. 

An hour later at Blockbuster, it was as if they never stopped talking. They are still best friends. Oh, and during a moment of brief tension at the beginning, I fell into a rack of VHS tapes and knocked the whole thing over, with me splattering in a heap on top. I put everything back. 

3) Cat fight! 

Two times in my life, two girls have fought over me. This really happened. Twice.

The first time was in the seventh grade. I was "dating" one girl, and the other had a huge crush on me. They were friends. At the end of school one day, I'm walking out the door of a classroom when the fight breaks out. They were using their lunch boxes as fist. A teacher broke it up. 

The second time was in the summer of 1999 at Elmwood. I had just broken up with one girl, and I had a huge crush on the other one. They were friends, and the ex was jealous. It happened in the girls locker room, so I didn't get to see it until it spilled out into the hallway, with each of them holding on to a head of hair. 

2) My two scars.

The first one is on my left hand and is noticeable. When I was 7, I caught a bunch of caterpillars in a jar and tried to bring them to the back yard. However, the fence was locked, and I didn't want to let go of the jar. (Why? I don't know.) 

Attempting to climb the gate holding a jar turned out to be a bad idea. I slipped and sliced my hand open on one of those spike thingies that stick up out of a fence. Blood gushed out like a friggin' river, and I ran inside screaming my head off. No stitches were required. 

The second scar happened during a Rummel soccer game senior year. Against De La Salle, I jumped up and wailed at the ball with my head near the goal. A defender went for the ball, too, but missed and smacked the shit out of my eye. Blood was everywhere from a cut just above my left eye.

The crazy part of the story is that it didn't hurt one bit. After they got it to stop bleeding and put ice on it, I was begging coach to let me back in the game because I really did feel fine. 

No way was I being let back in there. We won in a shootout, and then I went to the hospital with my parents. SIX hours of emergency-room waiting later, I received six stitches. I didn't miss any school, and I certainly didn't miss any games. 

1) Miracle. 

In the fourth grade, I was playing football with my friends on my front lawn. The action was getting rough, so I took off my cross pendant and watch. Not thinking, I put them on the hood of Tina's car and forgot about them.

Later in the day, we went to visit my grandma, who lived 15 minutes away. Coincidentally, the cross pendant belonged to my grandfather (who died long before I was born) and was passed down to me. 

As we said goodbye to grandma, I realized that I didn't have my chain around my neck or my watch (which was an expensive NIKE watch) on my wrist. I tell Tina on the way to the car. She didn't take it well and started screaming at me. "You better hope it's still there or so help me ..." 

No surprise, neither item still was on the hood of the car. I mean we made several turns on the drive and hit 50 mph. Even made a U-turn. Just as Tina was about to smack me, I saw something shiny. 

The cross pendant was on the bumper of the car, and the chain was dangling off. Yes way.

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom and I are driving to a restaurant Sunday afternoon. She misses the turn to get in the back way. "Shit." She then almost drives right by the main entrance. "I'm about to pass it up, and you don't fucking say anything."

While we're eating, mom says she couldn't be employed at Bobby's because the workers there constantly pick at all the fried food. "If I worked there, I'd be as big as a fucking house." 

Mom complains about the prices of TV shows on DVD. "My CSI Miami is 50 something bucks. It's fucking ridiculous." 

We watch Saturday's episode of Harper's Island. "I can't figure out who the fucking murderer is." 

Mom watched Casino Royale. At first, she didn't understand that it is meant to be at the start of Bond's career. "What's going on? He's such a fuck-up. ... He's a fuck-up. ... I don't get it. He's a fuck-up." 

At 6:15 p.m., the stations start going in and out on our cable. "Every station's fucking up." 

MOVIE WEEK IN REVIEW

A new feature where I give brief reviews of flicks I saw in the past seven days for the first time. 

Slumdog Millionaire. If this was just any other movie I saw, I'd give it high marks, but since it won the Oscar for Best Picture, I have to say I was disappointed. I really liked when the host of the game show said the words "millionaire" and "rupees." 

Gran Turino. Started slow, but by the end, I was totally into it. I'm not big on Clint Eastwood, but this one is a big-time winner that tugs at the heart. Even if I saw the end coming. 

Casino Royale. Action sequences were off the charts. Liked the poker. Didn't love the film or Daniel Craig. Will watch sequel. After watching it, it is now my goal to at some point in my life have money wired to an account. They do it in like every movie. 

The Hangover. One of the funniest movies I've seen in a while, though not a classic. Tina would like it because they say "What the fuck ..." a lot. Also, I was thinking about getting my bartender's license. 

PARTING SHOTS

At the end of Saturday's shift, we're discussing the future of the department. 

JRap: I'm still convinced Max is a plant. 

Bake: No. I've seen him move around. 

David, Bert and I are at the theatre to see The Hangover on Sunday night. 

David (to Bert): When ya'll going on that cruise?

Bert: Uh, June 2. 

Me: Oh. How was it?