MATT DEALS IN PESOS NOW

In the past week, I found out that two of my friends were leaving the country. On Friday night, we said goodbye to Matt, who is headed to the Philippines on Monday morning. Oh, the life of an engineer. 

We were determined to send Matt off in style in Baton Rouge. I believe we succeeded. Take a look. 

That's the sign of a fine establishment. Matt and I had the crawfish. Not bad. 

On the drive to the Red Stick, I tried to come up with a Daily Top List on the five people I wish I had kept in touch with but didn't. I only could think of two people. And wouldn't you know it, one of the two was sitting at the table next to us. 

At first, I wasn't sure it was Robbie, so I kind of stared at his table, which his lady friend eventually noticed. Turns out, it was Robbie, and the son of a bitch is getting married in three weeks. Life is crazy. Robbie and I became friends in about the third grade, and we lost contact sometime in 2005. 

Kelly ordered the crabs. This led to a running theme of jokes about giving each other crabs. 

After a rousing dinner, we met some of Matt's friends (five chicks) he has through engineering school at some place called Happy's Irish Pub in the downtown area. That's my effort at artsy. 

We entertained ourselves for about an hour trying to bounce the ping pong ball in an empty glass. We did this just for fun. Not as a drinking game. We sucked. 

At several points, the ping pong ball was lost under the table. No need to fear, I fetched it. One time, I pretended that the ball was out of my reach, and the game ended. In fact, I put the ball in my pocket. 

Ten minutes later, I slyly revealed to Ashlynn (holding ping pong ball) that I had it. She called me jerky. Somehow, this move didn't work for me. Neither did my two excellent puns. (One about Dots Diner and the other about Family Guy.) 

As we were leaving a little before 2 a.m., I asked Matt: "On a scale of 1 to 5 with 10 being the highest, what are my chances with Ashlynn?" Matt: "I'd go with a question mark." Which meant, as Jelly's kid Jack says: No way. 

Oh, yeah. There was plenty of drinking at this going-away shindig. There's Matt and his friend Lauren doing some type of shots. 

When Matt first introduced us to his other friends, one of them handed me the necessities for a car bomb and said: "Here, drink this." So I did. I also threw down two beers and two shots of Jaeger (everyone did one together except this one girl, so I took hers as well). 

Once we really lost the ping pong ball for good, we started throwing napkins at each other. I'm not sure how this started. It sort of got out of control. Then, we left, as you can see Kelly and Bert doing here. 

After bidding Matt a final farewell, the girls said they were going to Taco Bell. I took this to mean we should follow them there. Bert, Paul and Kelly did not agree, and we went back to Bert's apartment. 

Besides laying down in front of Bert's car, I tried vehemently to get them to go to Taco Bell all the way home so that I could ask Ashlynn out. Why else would they tell us where they were going? 

Keep in mind here that I was drunk and had no clue what I was yelling. When we arrived back, Bert's brother, Jacob, had just gotten home as well, and I convinced him to go to Taco Bell with me. I told him that since he answered yes, fate was on our side and that somehow they would still be there. 

All the stars aligned, but they were not there. I even got out of Jacob's car and walked by all the other cars in line to see. I guess I'm going to die alone. 

On the way home, this creature all of a sudden landed on Paul's windshield. Thought it was cool.

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

We had a problem at home early Saturday that my mom was not happy about. "The fucking air conditioner just stopped working." It was something with the connection we have to get fixed next week. "Could cost a fucking fortune." 

Mom got more upset later. "Everything's going wrong. First the air conditioner, and now my fucking thing isn't working." (I don't know what the thing was.)

Mom read in the paper about getting those traffic cameras in Harahan. "They want to put them in fucking Harahan. That ain't gonna work. The old people fighting it. It's all about fucking money." 

Mom doesn't think I'm responsible. "I don't know if you could ever have your own place. You'd come back, and the place would fucking be burned down."

On a neighbor: "The kid next door is going to be a junior. Time fucking flies, huh?"

On educators: "That's the nice thing about being a teacher. Fucking summers off." 

On the Guiding Light: "You think that since it's ending, it'd be heating up. It's fucking not." 

On her new T-Mobile bill: "They just add anything they fucking want to your bill." 

THE DAILY TOP LIST

The top five quotes from Friday night. 

5) Kelly and Bert are going on a cruise at the beginning of July. 

Me: You think they'll play "I'm on a Boat" on the cruise?

Kelly: I am! That's half the reason I got an iPhone. 

4) Paul and I observe the school girl outfits the waitresses are wearing at Happy's.

Paul: They don't fit the atmosphere. 

Me: Are you kidding? That fits in anywhere. 

Paul: That's what she said. 

3) Kelly and I stop at Smoothie King on the way to Baton Rouge. 

Me (leaving the car): What do you want? 

Kelly: Smoothie King!

Me: That's the name of the store, dear. 

2) Bert drives into downtown Baton Rouge. 

Me: I didn't know this existed. 

Paul: Never made it past the casino part? 

Me: Nope. 

1) Paul says that Kelly's outfit is a tad bit slutty. 

Kelly (pissed): Did you just say I look like a slut?

Matt: How is 'You look slutty' not a compliment?