After the movie Napolean Dynamite, I noticed a lot of people wearing Vote for Pedro T-shirts. The trend has since stopped. But when it was a red-hot fad, I got sick of seeing these damned shirts. I didn't just bicker, though. I took action. Decisive action.
For a little Christmas present to myself a few years back, I went to one of those airbrush places and made my own T-shirt. It says: I Voted for Summer. Summer, of course, was the girl running for class president against Pedro in the movie. I picked two summer colors to really bring home the power of the T-shirt. Seriously, Pedro didn't even have a campaign ("Vote for me and all your wildest dreams will come true" and a dancing friend). Summer, on the other hand, had a platform and fliers. Not sure what the platform was. But she definitely had one. I'm positive.
Anyway, I've gotten a lot of compliments on the shirt. I'm pretty proud of it. Though every time I get in my overheated car, I think: Boy, maybe I should have voted for Winter.
Paul left a ticket for me at guest services. No worker was stationed there. I saw the ticket under a pad and just took it. There was also no worker at the ticket-tearing booth. So I just walked right in and went in the screen. How many people do you know can have no contact with a worker and still get into a movie and/or have the full ticket stub from a movie like so?
THE TINA CURSING CORNER
My mom and I are discussing the switch to digital in February. I comment that I see the warning about that everywhere. She says: "Pretty soon they're going to have fucking billboard signs flashing on the interstate."
My mom and I are discussing the Homicide 37 series (which is really well done; you should all read it) on the front page. Mom is talking about the suspect. "He's fucking 15-years-old." http://www.nola.com/news/index.ssf/2008/07/homicide_37_seeking_justice_fo_3.html
Mom was complaining about the weather all day. She was trying to work in the yard. "I started at fucking 8:30 this morning. I was against the fucking weather." It poured rain for a while (I was sleeping). "All I needed was 20 more fucking minutes. Oh, my fucking back. I can't catch a fucking break. ... I can't catch a fucking breaks." Then, a few minutes later. "It lasted like 30 fucking minutes and then the fucking sun came out."
My mom doesn't know about this segment of the blog. So please don't tell her. I thought for a second that she caught me writing down her comments today. But she mistook my intentions with the pad. I was watching the Cubs during her weather rant. She says: "What are you taking notes on the fucking game?"
The pouring rain briefly woke me today at 9:30 a.m. My mom was pissed, but she didn't mean for me to hear this: "I've got to have the laziest fucking son in the world. Motherfuck. He's so fucking lazy."
CHUCK NORRIS DOESN'T MAKE ADS ...
I was watching the Cubs-Brewers game at Chuck's house with Chuck and Bob when a Total Gym commercial came on featuring Chuck Norris. I was thinking about the difference between the Chuck Norris lines (i.e. Chuck Norris counted to infinity ... twice) and this sissy ad for an exercise machine. The Chuck Norris I know wouldn't be peddling this crap for some fee.
But I did think of my very own Chuck Norris line: Chuck Norris doesn't exercise with the Total Gym. He is a total gym.
A WHORE LINE AND A NEW PICKUP LINE
You know the lines: She's like a doorknob, everyone gets a turn, and she's like the village bicycle, everyone's had a ride. Well, I've always liked those two, but I think there needs to be a trio of them. I've never heard of another one, so I came up with one myself. She's like a boxing ring, everyone's had a round.
I was watching Ryan Theriot get interviewed after the Cubs win when I thought of the perfect pickup line for a baseball player getting interviewed by a hot reporter. In the middle of the interview, instead of answering the question, he should have just said: "What do you say you swing by my hotel room later and I'll show you the old hidden ball trick."
THE GENE POOL DIP (I MEAN TIP) OF THE WEEK
If you're at home and you decide to order a pizza from one of the chains, always go pick it up. That free delivery or one-dollar delivery fee is a bunch of bullshit. Take Papa John's for example. Until it recently increased prices, a large, one-topping pizza for pickup was $9.72 (I forget the new figures). The price for delivery was more than $14. I found this out when I ordered once. They gave me the 14 something price; I said I'll pick it up; then they gave me the $9.72 price. But the box says one-dollar delivery charge. OK, pops.
HOW TO RUIN A DAILY TOP LIST
Bob read my list on things I haven't done that most people have or would be willing to do. He gave me a suggestion to break them all. He wants me to go to a Canadian tattoo parlor that's showing a Val Kilmer marathon and get a stripper there. I should pay her to take her clothes off and then once they're off, have sex with her (not for money). I tell Paul this suggestion, and he recommends a change. I should have a stripper at a Canadian strip club tattoo Val Kilmer on me while I have sex with her.
Me: His face or his likeness?
Paul: Both.
Me: I'm going to need some stamina.
Are Canadian strippers known for their sexual prowess? I think I'd rather go to Europe somewhere and get this done.
MOVIE REVIEW: STEP BROTHERS
Whenever I see a new movie, I'm going to put up a quick review. Since the usual going rate is based on four stars and the actual pool in my backyard is four feet high, I will be rating the movies with feets of water in the Gene Pool. So, I'm giving Step Brothers two feet of Gene Pool water. I need to figure out some sort of graphic for this. I'm open to suggestions.
What I liked: Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly have great chemistry. The first 30-35 minutes developed really well. I liked some of the lines. Spoiler alert!!!! ("I feel like a lightning bolt hit the tip of my penis"). The ending had some merit. The dinosaur as a recurring image was nice.
What I didn't like: After the first 35 minutes, the childish gimmick got real old. It became boring right about the time they beat up the doctor while sleepwalking. There was too much cursing. It's funny a few times and when used right. But not in every fucking line. Plus, I didn't like the way they treated their parents. Like Paul said, it would have been a great SNL skit.
By the way, I get to the theatre at 11:05 Wednesday night. The movie had just started.
Paul left a ticket for me at guest services. No worker was stationed there. I saw the ticket under a pad and just took it. There was also no worker at the ticket-tearing booth. So I just walked right in and went in the screen. How many people do you know can have no contact with a worker and still get into a movie and/or have the full ticket stub from a movie like so? PARTING SHOTS
During the Cubs-Brewers game Wednesday night, a bat was broken. Chuck predicts the announcers will now talk about the problem the league has been having with broken bats. He counts down with his fingers. When he gets to the last finger:
Sutcliffe: Man, they're everywhere, aren't they?
O'Brien: What the broken bats? Yeah.
Sutcliffe: It's reaching epidemic proportions.
Prep writer Strom (a large man) is talking on the phone in the corner.
"If it's worth a dinner, I'd be glad to sit down and do that."
THE DAILY TOP LIST
I've been blogging for a month now. I missed July 1, but I blogged every other day of July. Yeah for me. Here is the top five of the Gene Pool for July. (I'm also starting a guess top 5 once a week. If you have a top 5 (on movies, music, sports, reasons you hate me, etc.) write it down and give it to me or e-mail it to me at gguillot@timespicayune.com and you too can be a part of the Gene Pool.)
5) You decide in the poll on the right of the page. Help me readers, you're my only hope. Note: The For Real Man won.
4) My oil change.
Who wouldn't want to wait from 8 a.m. to 5:30 p.m. for a simple procedure that my mom says "a fucking ape can do."
3) Six Beers.
A term for anyone acting obnoxious because they've been drinking. Named for a guy who was hitting on every girl in site and trying to pick fights with the security at a wrestling show.
2) The Tina Cursing Corner.
Everybody's favorite mother (besides their own, of course) and her foul mouth have changed all of our lives. For the better.
1) Paul's hooker.
One of the great stories of our time. Has anyone confirmed that a blow job costs 20 bucks on Airline? No? Yeah, I believe my mom too.
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