This blog is about my trip to Smackdown last night. But I promise, it hardly has anything to do with wrestling. Hardly.
WHY WOULD I HAVE EVER HEARD OF THEM?
My buddy Paul and I are driving to Baton Rouge for our eighth live event since January 2007. I'm off in my thoughts, and Paul is playing some game thingy-majig. The radio host is interviewing one of the Jonas brothers about something or other. The interview ends. Here's our conversation.
Paul: What's Camp Rock?
Me: I don't know. Is it a movie?
Paul: That's what they were just talking about in that interview. That was weird.
Me. Oh. That must be the name of the Jonas brothers' movie.
Paul: What's a Jonas brother?
Me: You're kidding, right?
Paul: No. I'm not.
Me: You don't know who the Jonas brothers are?
Paul: No. Who are they?
Me: One of the biggest musical acts going today.
Paul: What songs have they done?
Me: I have no idea. They play for 13-year-old girls.
Paul: Then, how the heck am I supposed to have heard of them?
Me: How can you not have heard of them? They're everywhere.
Paul: But I'm not a 13-year-old girl.
Me: They're probably just as big as Miley Cyrus at this point.
Paul: There is no way that can be true.
Then, I just let it go before we got into a big fight. He was starting to get mad because in his head, the Jonas brothers can't possibly be that famous. Paul works at a movie theatre where most of the workers are 17-20 years old. I think he listens to the radio a lot. He's a breathing human being. How can he not have heard of the Jonas brothers until July 8, 2008?
We went to Orlando in March. The Jonas brothers were there for the Ellen DeGeneres show. Girls were running and screaming all over the place. They played at Universal Studios on the Ellen show. We were across a little lake from them. And I pointed out that the Jonas brothers were right across the way (he probably didn't hear me). Plus, parents were around us in lines at Universal Studios all weekend talking about how glad they were their kids got to see them. One girl was in tears behind us on the walking escalator thing because she missed it. How could he not notice all this?
Now, I know hardly anything about the Jonas brothers. I know that there are three of them. They play music. Girls love them. They're making movies and a TV show now. They're an unstoppable train. I don't know their names, their songs or what they look like. But I have heard of them. After all, I am breathing.
Paul also contended that there is no way that most people have heard of the Jonas brothers. Yah, OK. I don't know what's more ridiculous: that or my mom suggesting the other day that the majority of the kids in my generation have no idea who Kurt Cobain is. I think it's really close.
GIVE ME BACK MY POSTER, MAN
When the show ended, Paul and I were getting up to leave. The guy sitting in front of us is checking underneath the seats in his row obviously looking for something. He starts talking to Paul. I pay no attention at first. Then, I realize what's going on in their conversation. He is accusing us of stealing his 9-year-old son's poster of the Undertaker (main good guy). He claims two people that he didn't even know (he says this while pounding both fist against his chest) at all told him that they saw us take the poster. He repeated that he didn't even know the witnesses.
He asks us where we stashed it. I say I don't know what you're talking about it. He says he's a man. And he's asking as one man to two men, why would we steal a five-dollar poster from a 9-year-old. I take this opportunity to point out that the Undertaker is Paul's favorite wrestler. Paul keeps asking the guy if we stole a poster and it's not on the ground, where did we put it. You obviously could see a poster on somebody's person if they were holding on to it. The guy couldn't riddle Paul that. We're about to just leave it at that when I get an idea ...
Me: Excuse me, sir, can you bring me to these witnesses so that I may talk to them?
Father of the Year: Dude, I don't even know them.
Me: Fine. Point them out to me.
FOTY: Dude, I'm telling you. They saw you take it.
Me: Really?
FOTY: Dude, I didn't even know these two dudes. They just came up to me and said, 'Those two dudes took it.' I didn't even know them, and they told me that.
Me: I would like to talk to them. Did you let them leave? Don't you think they should be here when you come accusing us? Wouldn't witnessess want to see this thing out until the end? Where are they?
FOTY: Just give me the poster, dude. It's my 9-year-old kid's. Is it worth the five bucks?
Then, a security guard came and told us to take this elsewhere. Great job, security man.
Couple notes here:
-- Paul asked the FOTY to come apologize to us if his kid ever finds the poster.
-- The FOTY and his son only watched about half the show.
-- The FOTY didn't talk to anybody from security. If he really thought we stole it, why wouldn't he tell someone with authority?
-- I say he made up the witnesses. Paul says the witnesses took the poster themselves.
-- Paul and I were both wearing shirts we just bought at the show that cost 25 bucks each. Why would we steal a poster?
-- I think I saw his daughter holding a poster as we were walking out the arena door.
SIX BEERS
After we left the arena, Paul and I go to the back parking lot and wait with other crazy fans for the wrestlers to leave in their cars so we can yell to them or something. There is a guy, about my age, standing close to us. Every time a girl walked by or drove by (a wrestler or fan), he would say to the girl: "Hey, you're sexy. I'm just speaking the truth." He got a couple of thank yous and a dap from a female wrestler driving out in her car. When asked why he was doing such things he said: "Well, once you get six beers in ya, you just, you know. What can I say? I had six beers!"
The security guards move us out of the area because it's the arena's property. Well Six Beers, as Paul and I began calling him, decides he's going to stay and yell at the security guard. Just before he was going to get his lights punched out, his boy drags him off. I wasn't able to confirm if he told the security guard that he was sexy. I'm also now calling any person acting obnoxious, Six Beers.
Also, there's this woman yelling at the security because they were cursing at us to move along. She says kids are around, and that kind of language is inappropriate. She was also mad about being moved out of the way. But the kicker is her husband (they're 12-year-old is with them as well). You see, she's yelling about behavior in front of children. Well, here are two things her husband said (the first is during the show - he was sitting a few rows in front of us - and the second is in the parking lot). Note that many, many kids are around for these loud comments.
-- To Vickie Guerrero, who is "in charge" of the show. Keep in mind that in real life, Vickie is a widow. "Hey Vickie, when you give me head later, are you going to spit or swallow?"
-- "Just let Edge (the main bad guy) come out here in his car. I'll rub my nuts all over his windshield."
TWO WAFFLES PLEASE
We stop at Waffle House on the way out. When we sit down, both waitresses are on their cell phones. At what other restaurant could this happen? The waitress then takes my order while still talking on the phone. Paul says: "On the phone half the time, that's half the tip." She eventually got off.
Her other mistakes:
-- She mixed up our drink orders.
-- She got me a refill. Paul's glass was also empty. She never asked him if he wanted a refill.
Paul goes to the bathroom and comes back out moments later shaking his head. "That was odd," he says. I have syrup on my hands, so I go to wash up. In the stall, there is a rag laying on each side of the toilet seat. You don't want to be using that facility.
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PARTING SHOT
This took place at work tonight.
JRAP: Gene, I told Marion the gene pool pick-up line. I haven't seen her laugh that hard in a long time.
Me: Maybe it's time to take this show on the road.
Liam: Cuz you ain't getting much action here.
JYD: Gene, I'm sure you can find someone who will let you put it in their backyard.
THE DAILY TOP LIST
My favorite Bruce Willis movies. Keep in mind that the best film he's in is probably Pulp Fiction, but that is not on the list. Just saying that I'm aware of that.
5) The Whole Nine Yards. 2000. The Godfather of gangsta comedies.
4) Armageddon. 1998. What a tear-jerker. Also inspired the porn: Arma-get-it-on.
3) Die Hard: With a Vengeance. 1995. Taught me that Chester A. Arthur was the 21st president of the United States from 1881-1885. Did you know that he was in charge of customs right here in New York?
2) The Sixth Sense. 1999. Can't really watch it multiple times.
1) Die Hard. 1988. He was Roy fucking Rogers.
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