AS I LAY ME DOWN TO SLEEP


I woke up Monday with just enough time to eat, shower and get to work fashionably late. When I strolled into the living room trying to shake the cob webs of sleep out at 2:30 p.m.,
mom was there to greet me. "You're going to sleep your life away, son. Are you even going to go to work today?" Yeah, I know. I thought the same thing. Why didn't she say: "You're going to sleep your fucking life away, son. Motherfuck." She was watching "Across the Universe." I think the Beatles relax her a little bit.


(Writing that reminds me of the writer we had one summer who compared the 1999 U.S. women's soccer team's popularity to the Beetles. Yeah. Like the insect.)


It's hard for me to wake up early. If I don't have specific plans for the daytime, I'll awake at a decent time but then fall back asleep. I really don't sleep that much. Though I'm probably one of the few people, and I think the only one I know, who gets the recommended eight hours of sleep on a consistent basis. Last night, I went to bed at 5 a.m. More on that in a second.


Sleeping through the day often makes me look like I'm living under a rock. If something big breaks during the day, I usually don't find out until I get to work. People will be discussing/arguing the day's news, and I'll hear the chatter and be like: "What happened?" That usually generates a stare, like how can you not have heard about this. Hey, if the Saints make a big move at 3 a.m., I'll know before any of you. If I'm off, I won't know the news until I read the paper the next day.


Going to bed in the wee hours of the morning certainly doesn't help. If I don't go straight home and instead go drink or gamble, then I have no chance of waking up early the next day. If I go straight home, I get home around 11:30 right now - that will turn into 12:30 soon. I can never go to sleep right away. I'll knock out a disc of a TV show on DVD. I'll watch wrestling for hours. I'll watch poker reruns. On the Internet, I'll write this blog (like I'm doing right now at 1:07 a.m.), listen to music, download a podcast and read some sports articles. I'll watch SportsCenter, pick up a movie in the middle and finish it or get caught up in an infomercial. Did you know that you can get rich in real estate, cure cancer with household products and get girls to take their tops off by turning on a video camera?


At least I never go to work tired.


THE TINA CURSING CORNER


I was only awake and at home for an hour Monday. I heard my mom mumble "shit," but I don't know the cause for it.


I open the door to leave, and there is a stack of fliers on the doorstep.
Me: Let's see what these are for.
Mom: It's all fucking bullshit.


Mom flips through the stack of menus and whatnot. She sees an ad for a car detailing place. "What the fuck is this? Oh, it's for cars."


SANDY CRACKS THE CODE


I have been setting pages at work for three years. After you set a page, you need to log it, so that the folks printing the paper know it's coming, or something like that. I've never been given a log button, which means someone else has to stop what they're doing and hit the button for me. The talk of me getting a log button has been on and off (mostly off) for all of those three years. It becomes a problem when I'm the last person setting a page, and everyone else is leaving. Somebody has to stay and wait for me.


On Tuesday night, I was the last one to set a page. Sandy and Jelly had just shut down their computers. Oops. I realize this and say someone needs to log this baseball page. Maybe it was laziness in not wanting to start her computer again. Maybe it was a moment of brilliance. The chronicles of history will never know the real answer, but Sandy figured out how I can log pages. It's so freaking easy that it's really sad none of us had thought of this before.


The log button is nothing more than a new story creator. All I have to do is open a new story, name it what I would type to log the page and move the story to makeup. Duh. (For those of you I don't work with, it's really, really simple. Not figuring this out before is the equivalent of someone putting their hand on your mouth and you not knowing to breath through your nose.)


PARTING SHOT
Marcus and Jelly are discussing that Fox reported the Ellis negotiations are heating up.


Jelly: I hate the news!
Marcus: How do you feel about Huey Lewis? (pauses to let it land, then all proud of himself:) Give it up!


THE DAILY TOP LIST
More of the top 40 all-time TV shows. You have to feel bad for these because they are high, but they miss the top 10.


15) Seinfeld. Seasons: 9. Episodes: 180. 1989-1998. I don't have this as high as most people in my generation have it. I like the concept, the inside jokes, the catchphrases. But overall, it doesn't quite do it for me as much. I feel akin to George, though. Biggest other fan I know: Nick.


14) Taxi. Seasons: 5. Episodes: 114. 1978-1983. What does a yellow light mean? Slow down. Classic. Great cast: Danny DeVito, Christopher Lloyd, Judd Hirsch, Andy Kaufman and Tony Danza. Biggest other fan I know: My dad.


13) Psych. Seasons: 3. Episodes: 33. 2006-present. Some are saying that James Roday will play me in the movie. Yes. Yes. Yes. Gus and Shawn might be the best comedy duo going. This has potential to move up. Biggest other fan I know: Bert.


12) How I Met Your Mother. Seasons: 3. Episodes: 64. 2005-present. The most underrated show on TV right now, maybe ever. Season 2 took a small dip, but Season 3 was just great episode after great episode, especially the Final Four one. Could move up, but could also dip depending on how they solve the whole mother thing. Hopefully, it's legendary. Biggest other fan I know: Kaila.


11) The King of Queens. Seasons: 9. Episodes: 207. 1998-2007. The modern day Honeymooners indeed. Seasons 7-9 aren't what I would call classic. But you love every minute of Doug and Carrie before that. Arthur is awesome, too. Biggest other fan I know: Jacob.