TAKING A DIP IN THE GENE POOL

I went for a swim for the first time this summer. I have had an above ground pool in my backyard since I was 6. I took it as a bad sign when it started raining after ten minutes of swimming. The actual pool, as most of you know, is not the inspiration for the Gene Pool. Now seems like a good time to explain its origins.
Sometime ago in a land far far away (Baton Rouge), my friends and I were discussing pick-up lines. During the discussion, I decided that I should make one up instead of talking about other ones that everybody knows. It almost immediately came to me. Walk up to a girl:
Me: "How's it going? My name's Gene."
Target: "Pretty good. My name is (so-and-so)."
Me: "That's a lovely name. Do you like to go swimming?"
Target: "Of course. I love the beach. Hee-hee."
Me: "Want to take a dip in the Gene Pool?"


I haven't actually used this. But I'm really starting to consider it. It's clever. It's original. Everyone I tell it to seems to enjoy it. She might be impressed, laugh and give me her number. Oh, who am I kidding? That's a slap in the face waiting to happen.
Here's the best conversation that pick-up line has inspired. We're talking about the line at work when I announce that I actually do have a pool in my backyard.
Beth (one of the designers): "You should put a sign by it that says Gene Pool."
Me: "That's a good idea. I just need a designer to come over and help me with it."


THE TINA CURSING CORNER

I'm trying to finish watching something before I go in the shed for my mom to give me a haircut (more on that later) when she yells for me to hurry up. "Don't act like I'm your fucking servant."
My mom and I were discussing having dinner early Wednesday. At 6:58 p.m., I ask if she wants to go to that place for dinner. She responds: "What are you talking about? You talk in fucking circles." (We didn't have dinner.)

SOMEBODY GOT A HAIRCUT


I have basically had the same haircut since I was 5-years-old. Before that, I had dirty blonde hair that eventually changed to brown. It was a bowl cut, and it was pretty darn long. After that first shave, though, I haven't felt the need for a different haircut. In the
seventh grade, I made a deal with a teacher/coach that if we won the flag football city title, I'd let my hair grow for three months longer than normal. We won, and I grew my hair out until it looked terrible.
My mom has been doing the shaving for about 10 years. It's simple. It saves money. There's been some long lapses between haircuts. I had one in October, March and now July. Except that Tuesday night I got a slightly different haircut.
This cut left the top of my head with more hair than the sides. Reggie Bush and Jannero Pargo also recently switched to this style. Though they went to a professional. And in my version, my hair is shorter in all places.
I kind of like it, but I'm not sure if it looks good. Haven't had any feedback quite yet. You see, I'm wearing a hat everywhere.


LIVING IN A LONELY WORLD


I was off Wednesday night and craving a burger from Bruno's. Plus, if I went there, I could check out the Cubs game. Sounded like a plan to me. So I call SEVEN friends to see if they're interesting in either eating, drinking and/or playing some darts. How many made it out there? Let's see if I can remember correctly here. Oh, wait. It was none. None.
Did I still go? You bet. I had a tasty burger and watched the Cubs win in Arizona (finally). And no. I didn't take the midnight train going anywhere. Although that was the time when I left.


EBONY AND IVORY GO TOGETHER IN PERFECT HARMONY
I've noticed that Hollywood likes to pair a black man and a white man in cop movies, or movies where the duo conquers some type of evil force. I've been compiling a list of these type of movies. Here's my list of 31. I'm sure there are more that I don't know about. These were all made while I've been alive, except 48 Hrs., which came out in 1982. Close enough.


Seven: Morgan Freeman and Brad Pitt
Die Hard: Bruce Willis and Karl Winslow (Not his real name, I know)
Die Hard with a Vengeance: Bruce Willis and Samuel L. Jackson
Beverly Hills Cop (3): Eddie Murphy and Judge Reinhold
Lethal Weapon (4): Mel Gibson and Danny Glover
Big Momma's House: Martin Lawrence and Paul Giamatti
Running Scared: Billy Crystal and Gregory Hines
The Last Boy Scout: Bruce Willis and Damon Wayans
Loaded Weapon: Emilio Estevez and Samuel L. Jackson
SWAT: Samuel L. Jackson and Colin Farrell
See No Evil, Hear No Evil: Richard Pryor and Gene Wilder
Independence Day: Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum
Miami Vice: Jamie Foxx, Colin Farrell (I know it was a TV show 1st)
Showtime: Eddie Murphy and Robert De Niro
Enemy of the State: Will Smith and Gene Hackman (this one is iffy)
Nothing to Lose: Martin Lawrence and Tim Robbins (this is also iffy)
National Security: Martin Lawrence and Steve Zahn
Wild Wild West: Will Smith and Kevin Kline
Men in Black (2): Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones
48 Hrs. (2): Nick Nolte and Eddie Murphy
I Spy: Eddie Murphy and Owen Wilson
Bad Company: Anthony Hopkins and Chris Rock
Blue Streak: Martin Lawrence and Luke Wilson
Brewster's Millions: Richard Pryor and John Candy


Let me know if you think of more, and I'll add it. Or if you disagree with these.
There are 11 different black guys, and 21 different white guys on the list.


THE POOR GRAMMAR SIGN OF THE WEEK


The Mets beat the Phillies to tie for the division lead Wednesday night. During an interview with closer Billy Wagner, ESPN showed a Wagner sign in the crowd. It read:
STICK A FORK IN EM' BILLY
Where do we begin here? I bet Wagner wouldn't appreciate the person who made the sign saying that he is being possessed by EM. Obviously, the apostrophe belongs in front of the E. Now, it wouldn't be so bad if that was the only mistake, but the sign maker left out the comma in front of Billy that is needed because Wagner is being addressed.
At least our uneducated New York fan didn't leave out the EM.


PARTING SHOTS
On my way into Bruno's at 9:30 p.m., an older gentleman was leaving. Talking to nobody in particular, he said:


"It's hell to get old."
Bake, you know what this guy's talking about, right?


Inside Bruno's I overhear this conversation between two gentleman in their 40s. They were playing some twisted game of one-upsmanship, if that is a word.


First guy: "My daughter is going to (someplace I couldn't understand) this weekend."
Second guy: "My daughter is going to Florida this weekend, too."
First guy: "You're not listening to me. I told you this five times already. My daughter's not going to Florida. She's going to (repeats the place I couldn't understand)."
Second guy: "Oh yah. Well then why is my daughter going to Florida with your daughter's boyfriend?"


And you thought my eavesdropping was a character flaw.


THE DAILY TOP LIST
I'm a bit of a kleptomaniac. Sometimes, I just can't help it. Here are the top 5 things I've stolen. Feel free to judge me. Keep in mind, these all took place during high school.


5) Almost an Olive Garden buzzer
I figured that since I was family, I was entitled to take something home with me. At OG, they give you that buzzer thingy that blinks when your table is ready. Well, I didn't give it back to the waitress when she seated us. I didn't say anything to the rest of the people with me until we were about to leave. Big mistake that was. My friend David insisted I give it up, even grabbing at it. Nobody else was too keen on the idea either. Clearly, I should have waited to brag.


4) A Wendy's tray
I left Wendy's one time with the tray to use at home. That's not really a big deal, right? I must include it here, though. Who else does that sort of thing?


3) A Galleria sign
I was at the old Galleria movie theatre near Rummel. There was a parking sign barely hanging on in the parking garage. It was pointed at the stairwell. I noted to Paul that the sign was useless (because you can't park in the stairwell) and wouldn't be missed. I jumped up and hit it until it fell. I took it home proudly and was trying to hang it in my room when my mom decided that wasn't happening. She threw it out. Boooo.


2) A wrestling chair
At many wrestling events, the fans sitting in the first two or three rows are allowed to take home their seats. They usually have the name of the show written on it, sometimes with a picture of a wrestler on it. At the December 13, 1999, Monday Nitro, my friend D.J. and I were sitting in the 10th row, but by the end of the show, we were in the fourth row.
We asked some older folks in the third row if they were keeping the chair. They said no. We asked for their tickets; they gave them to us. The problem was that after the show, the security people said only the first row could keep the special chairs. I thought that was bullshit. Why would the first three rows have special chairs but only the first row be allowed to keep them? Idiots.
So we pick up the old folks chairs and walk out all cocky like we were in the first row. One security guard stops me in the line to look at my ticket while D.J. slips right by both security guards doing the checking. The security guy took the chair I had, but we got away with one chair. D.J., knowing I was the bigger fan, let me keep the chair. It still sits in my room.
In the news this week, I read that two fans were arrested for trying to steal these kind of chairs from a WWE show. Apparently, they weren't as sneaky as us.


1) A Pancho's glass
I went with a Rummel club (I forget which one) to Pancho's on Veterans to celebrate something we had done. I don't like Mexican food. So all I did was drink. I had seven glasses of coke. I was pretty proud of that, and I liked the glass. It had curves and looked fancy. I just left with it.
I drank out of it every chance I got. Unfortunately, I left it Uptown when I evacuated for Katrina. When I went back to get my stuff two weeks later, old Pancho (as I call the glass) was a tad moldy. Naturally, I don't use it to drink anymore, but I do keep it for the memory.