APES AND OIL CHANGES

I decided to go for a timeline diary of my trip to get my oil changed Thursday. Here's the entertainment that ensued.

8:01 a.m.: I walk into Walker Volkswagen on Vets for my scheduled 8 o'clock appointment, which was supposed to be the first appointment according to the lady on the phone. There were four people already waiting in the lobby.

8:51 a.m.: I was hoping to be out of there in an hour and a half. So, at the fifty-minute mark, I walked out toward the service area to see if my car was being worked on. It was. It was lifted on the rack and the hood was popped.

8:58 a.m.: A new lady joins our waiting party. She had a baby boy with her. She makes a call to her husband. The baby, we'll call him Bradley, decides he wants the phone. So he goes for it. Momma pulls away. Three seconds later, he grabs it again. At this point, I'm cheering for Bradley to grab and throw it on the ground. Not out of spite. Just wanted some excitement.

9:27 a.m.: This is the point where I became annoyed with the TV showing MSNBC, which decided to tell me the same news headlines over and over and over and over again. I feel like I must share with you the top stories. Rush Limbaugh to get $400 million. (Good God). Gas prices average 4.10 a gallon. There's a tropical storm, an uncle killer with a sex ring, wildfires, travel will be down this weekend and Christie Brinkley is testifying in her ugly divorce. Her husband apparently ran up a bill on internet porn. Hello? You're married to a supermodel. What a moron. Besides, doesn't he know he can get that stuff for free? Gee wiz.

Also, A-Rod is being linked to Madonna while his soon-to-be ex-wife was seen with Lenny Kravitz somewhere in Europe. Kravitz denied the report. He also said in his interview for his new album in February that he hadn't had sex in three years. Yah, Ok.

9:46 a.m.: The service guy comes over to tell me that the process is almost done and they're just checking my tire that's slowly losing air. By the way, dude's name is Brook. So the Lopez twin isn't alone.

9:51 a.m.: Brook informs me I need a new tire. I got a staple in the side of it, and it's not fixable. I say go ahead and fix it now. He also tells me his best tech worked on the car and that he checked everything. This will be important later.

10:16 a.m.: I take another walk outside. Car was in the same spot as before.

10:27 a.m.: Another mother sits down. She's waiting on her son's car. A creepy employee in a suit comes over to pour himself some coffee. I notice him check out the mother. Gives her the once over. He pours his coffee
standing behind her and ogles some more. Then he makes some snarky comment about a commercial to get a laugh. It didn't land. She didn't even notice him. He waited a few seconds still giggling. Then tucked tail.

10:46 a.m.: Another trip to check on the car. Still in the same place. Only now it was missing a tire. Of course, there's noboby around it putting it on or anything. Oh, boy.

11:11 a.m.: Brook gives a hearfelt, emotional speech to a customer bitching about service. Here's the gist. He was screwed over by Volkswagen, then came to work there to change things around one customer at a time, so that no one would have to go through what he went through ever again. Oh my. Isn't that a reason why people become lawyers and politicians? To change things.

11:16 a.m.: Another trip. No change. Bored out of my mind.

11:39 a.m. My car is brought out to the front. I pay the 220 bucks for the new tire plus labor. Brook tells me that the car has also been washed. That makes five washes in its first year. Two by Volkswagen. Three by me.
So, I ask you: Who cares more about that car?

I drive home. End story. Wrong. It continues.

1:36 p.m.: My mom and I are going for lunch. She notices something dripping from my car. It's oil. All over the pavement. By the time I left home for work, the stain on the pavement was three feet wide. My mom is enraged. She's going crazy, folks.

1:38 p.m.: Mom calls Brook. Brook tells her that she needs to call a tow truck. She said: "Excuse me. I don't think so." You remember, Brook, right? Fixing the world one customer at a time. So the arrangement
becomes, they call a tow truck, fix the car and then drive it back to our house. I take my mom's car to work.

1:44 p.m.: Mom gets off the phone and exclaims. "I can do an oil change. A fucking ape can do a fucking oil change." There is now a puddle of oil on our pavement.

4:20 p.m.: I talk to a roadside assistance operator because their automated voice call told me the car should have been picked up now. But it wasn't. Lady tells me traffic caused the delay. Tow truck arrived shortly thereafter.

5:28 p.m.: Mom calls me at work to tell me she talked to the driver and he's on his way with the car. He apparently asked my mom how to get to our house from Williams, which is out of the way from Veterans. That wasn't a good sign. Bad sign No. 2 was when he asked what to do when he got to Jefferson Highway. Let's see. One way is the River Parishes, the other way is River Ridge, Harahan and the such.

6:31 p.m.: Mom calls to tell me we got the car back. Driver got lost. Mom tells me she left quite the voicemail on Brook's cell phone. Also, she called the driver and threatened to call the police accusing him of stealing the car.
Oh yah, the problem was the gasket. The top tech over there at Walker Volkswagen forget to put a gasket on to prevent things like oil leakage.

Let's assess the damage.
1) There are now 10.5 more miles on my car than there would have been. And four more miles because they went the wrong way.
2) My mom lost a lot of cell phone minutes. She pays by the minute.
3) My mom and I are really pissed.
4) They didn't do any sort of I'm sorry gesture. Like fill up my gas tank. Or knock a 100 dollars off the tire cost. Or give me a free Volkswagen poster.
5) That makes three people who have driven my car. And the other two were both accused of stealing it. I won't even let my mom drive it.

So my 8 a.m. oil change appointment finished at 6:30 p.m. That's service.

THE DAILY TOP LIST
Today's list is my favorite Cubs of all-time. I feel like Cubs' thoughts should be a feature of the gene pool every few days or so.

1) Sammy Sosa (He was very very good to me in the late 90s)
2) Carlos Zambrano (I wear a Big Z jersey shirt when he pitches)
3) Mark Grace (I use his number for internet passwords)
4) Kerry Wood (Could have been No. 1 if no injuries)
5) Ryne Sandberg (though Aramis is creeping up)