IT AIN'T A CRIME IF YOU DON'T GET CAUGHT

I committed a felony on Saturday night. Actually, I assisted in one. You see, I opened someone else's mail, a federal offense according to the U.S. Postal Service. There was a letter addressed to a Jennifer Evans sitting in Jennifer's mailbox. She opened it, and quickly realized it was meant for Jennifer Evans, the reporting intern.
She handed it to me to show that she had committed a felony. And I said, heck, I'll join you. So I took a peak and put it on the intern's desk.
What's more important here is that we have two gals named Jennifer Evans working here in the news room. Their desks are about 70 feet apart, they are close in age, and yet, somehow, they have yet to met. They even sat next to each other at the health screening. Why, oh, why won't Jennifer talk to her? I just think it would be cool to have two people with the same name talking to each other. You just don't see this every day. You don't.
What worries me more is that the intern might not even realize that another lady shares her name sitting across the room from her. Don't you think she might find that interesting? She can go home and tell all her friends. It might even become her facebook status: Jennifer is flipping out because there is another Jennifer Evans working at the Times-Pic. Oh, my gosh! Isn't that crazy?

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

Mom went to Wal-Mart today, which isn't exciting in and of itself, except for the fact that I'm enjoying chicken salad for the next few days. We're watching the Breakfast Club today and during a conversation in it, she turns to me and says: "I saw a tittie at Wal-Mart today. A black woman's tittie was just hanging out there. I mean the whole fucking thing. I don't know if she knew. Maybe she did. She was sitting on a cart." If only Molly Ringwald would have flashed Judd Nelson while he was under the table. Not the same kind of flashing, yes. But it would have spiced up the movie.
Then, mom was leaving the joint. She says a lady seemed to be waiting for her parking spot when mom was loading the groceries. "But there was another spot right next to mine. She waited for like ten fucking minutes. Who does that? Did she really want that space? Jesus Christ."
And later Sunday afternoon, she starts talking about our air vents that were put in place four years ago. She doesn't like the way they are set up. "They really fucked it up."

MY WEEKLY CUBS' THOUGHTS
Looks like I got to 10 again.

-- I was thrilled with the Rich Harden trade. All we really lost was Gallagher. But we traded one good, young arm for a better good, young arm. That's a win. I am concerned with his pitch count though. In seven of his past eight starts, he has gone past 90 pitches and not seen the seventh inning.
-- Marmol needs to be sent down to the minors and find his mojo again. Of course, the bullpen as a whole has been really bad lately. They can't win if that doesn't improve. It's been pretty frustrating.
-- This team doesn't move baserunners up. If a guy is on second with no outs or third with one out, rest assured he ain't getting moved up. Now, they might score five runs in the inning and just keep getting hits. But advancement just isn't in the equation. That's not exactly championship baseball.
-- All hail, Big Z. He's been really dominant in his past two starts. He retired 20 in a row against the Reds.
-- Aramis is clutch late. Really clutch. See Friday's 3-run homer in the eighth, not Sunday's double play grounder in the eighth. He was hitting .385 in the seventh or later before Sunday.
-- Fukudome is scuffling. I hope it's just a slump and not pitchers looking at film, figuring him out this easily. He's swinging at bad pitches. He's not slapping the ball like he was early. He did have a good at-bat today, but then swung at ball four.
-- Lee hasn't seemed to be doing much. I thought he was becoming overrated. He's been swinging at out-of-the-zone breaking balls a lot. I've seen way too many double plays turned on him. Yet, I look here, and he's hitting .306.
-- MVP of the Week: Theriot. He's on a 10-game hitting streak. He had three consecutive multi-hit games this week. He just keeps getting on base. He works the count a little bit. Plays solid defense. He does tap the ball to the second baseman too much.
-- If I saw Giants pitcher Tim Lincecum in the street, I wouldn't think MLB pitcher. I would think emo rock star.
-- Best and worst quotes from Cubs broadcasting this week.
Best: From Brenly on Friday. I think it was after Ramirez's 3-run homer. (or some other homer).
"That's the Cubs' version of small ball. Get 'em on. Move 'em over. Hit a homer."
Worst. From Len on Sunday about Chad Gaudin.
"His nickname is the Wolverine. That's a Marvel comics hero. I'm not sure what his powers are, but he's better than Ohio State every other year or so."

PARTING SHOTS

"What year was Katrina?"
- I was asked this on Saturday night. This lifelong New Orleans resident was a) sober; b) not stupid; and c) serious. I expected to be asked this question at some point. I just thought it would be like in 2012 or later. Katrina? Are you serious?

"Ok, guys. I start vacation in a couple of hours. So, let's roll."
-- Mike at the beginning of Sunday's shift. And no, I don't feel like he could lead me in a fight against terrorists on an airplane.

I was trying to get JRAP to say something sarcastic back to me, but he was trying to hold back.
JRAP: "You're quite tempting, Gene."
Me: "That's what she said."

THE DAILY TOP LIST
As promised, the start of my top 40 scripted, episodic TV shows. Remember, five at a time.

40) Get Smart. Seasons: 5. Episodes: 138. 1965-70. Loved the slapstick aspect when I was a kid. Don Adams is top notch as the lead. Made the list by that much. Biggest other fan I know: Paul.
39) The Class. Seasons: 1. Episodes: 19. 2006-07. First few episodes I almost gave up, but when Richie drove his car into the building, I was hooked. They even deleted the worst character in the middle. Crushed went it got canceled. Had a strong ending too. Biggest other fan I know: Kaila.
38) Doug. Seasons: 8. Episodes: 127. 1991-99. I still hum the theme song every now and again. Doug was a nerd loser, which I related too. Would stop playing ball in the street to go inside and watch. Biggest other fan I know: Bert.
37) Still Standing. Seasons: 4. Episodes: 88. 2002-06. Probably the worst parents in TV history. But I loved every second of the first three seasons. Fourth season had a big drop off, mainly because the kids got older. Biggest other fan I know: My mom.
36) Odd Couple. Seasons: 5. Episodes: 114. 1970-75. Oscar was a sportswriter. I think that's where I got my first inkling. Password clue is pencil. Oscar gives this clue: Lead. Felix immediately responds: Graphite. Biggest other fan I know: The characters on Friends, who sounded out the theme song in Season 1.